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I am toast

texasmama

By texasmama,
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texasmama

texasmama

Posted
Posted

So the past several months have been....ummmm, challenging?  Yeah, let's go with that.

 

In mid-April, dh's grandmother (age 96 with advanced Alzheimer's on hospice care) moved in with us.  I was her primary caregiver.  She passed away on June 12.  Dh and I planned and executed the funeral and all that entails.  About two weeks before she passed away, my ASD child said one too many things, and I lost my cool and quit doing any summer school.  Just threw up my hands and gave up.  A week after the funeral, I went to kids' camp with little dd, and I got back yesterday.  It was exhausting in every way possible.  Now dh and I have to settle his grandmother's affairs.  That will take awhile.  For all practical purposes, I have been running her legal and financial affairs for four years (with dh as the front man since he had POA).  Also, there is drama with his family.  A lot of it.  I have signed myself up for a chiropractic plan to try and get hold of my avalanche of migraines which descended beginning the day of the funeral.  So I go three days a week for the next two weeks and then two days a week and then one day a week.  This lasts until the middle of August.  Little dd goes to the orthodontist next week, and both sons need significant dental work done in July.

 

Before I lost my cool and quit summer school and planned a funeral and went to camp, I did plan out almost everything for next school year.  However, I have not planned anything for the co op class I am teaching.  Windows to the World with TTC combo.  I've never taught it.  I need a solid 20 hours to do it justice and come up with a syllabus.

 

I registered for the online conference and have not attended a single one due to all of these other things.  I would like to listen to these, but I don't know when this can happen.

 

My house is in disorder due to moving little dd out of her room, putting grandma in her room, then moving dd partially back in.  I promised little dd that I would paint her room after Nan passed.  Didn't do that.  Her dresser is still in ds14's room.  I did move her other clothing back into her closet just today.

 

I have two very part-time professional "jobs" right now, but between the two of them, that only takes a couple of hours a week.

 

My dad is having a house designed and in the beginning stages of planning to build on our property.  I have gone with him to an architect.  He does know I am limited in what I can take on to help him, but he has no computer or internet access so some of the research naturally falls on me.

 

I am overwhelmed and exhausted.  I need a mother, but she passed away almost ten years ago.  I really do not have anyone knocking down my door to help me, and most of the stuff needs to be done by me, anyway.  I do not have a budget to hire things done.  I have two appointments to go to just tomorrow.  My greatest fear is that I will lose my entire summer and then enter the school year depleted.  Help me figure this out or something.

 

Thank you for listening.  Maybe I will feel better having vomited all of my issues to strangers on the internet.  :)

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purplejackmama

purplejackmama

Posted
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I'm so sorry. Your plate is beyond overflowing. So much stress! I share your sentiments about needing your mother. You need her to cry with you, hold your hand and share her chocolate.

 

But, I contend that what you need most right now is a wife! I've found they are the most helpful and productive ;)

 

Hugs my friend!

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prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

Posted
Posted

I've had a couple of those years.

 

First things first. Strap on your oxygen mask. Eat healthy food. Walk/exercise for 30 min a day. Pray/meditate/journal/shout at the moon--whatever your mindful awareness bent is, do that.

 

I know that sounds like more crap on your plate, but I promise you that if you care for your physical body, you will manage the stress better and be more productive. I sometimes smash all three of those things together--go for a morning walk with a granola bar and pray and contemplate my plan of action for the day. I come home, take my vitamins, and sketch that out into my planner.

 

Next, sketch out your commitments onto paper. Look for those productive bits of time and protect those.  You know how much time you need to throw stuff together. I find that I use those times best if I can shove them into a certain part of my daily routine--that hour after lunch, or from 9-10pm or whenever that is for you.

 

It will all be good. 

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Ethel Mertz

Ethel Mertz

Posted
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Oh, man. Off the top of my head:

 

1) Forget summer school. Don't worry about it.

 

2) Get out of doing the Co-op class. Plead extenuating circumstances. Do whatever you have to do to get out of it. Maybe (!) you can do it spring semester. Or not at all.

 

3) Put off painting DD's room. Put the dresser back in her room.

 

4) Email John at WTM. I think you can listen to the sessions for several weeks afterward, but he'll know how long.

 

5) Spend a set amount of time each day (no more than 2 hours a day) on putting your house in order. Yes, I know that will take a while. But, just think - If you limit yourself to two hours a day, you'll have put in 12 hours a week (you're taking one entire day off from house stuff).

 

6) Tell your Dad you only have 2 hours a week to help him.

 

7) School year is already planned! Yay!

 

8) Take time to have fun with your family.

 

9) Take some time to heal and catch your breath.

 

10)  :grouphug:

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Aiden

Aiden

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Oh my! That's so much you have going on there. I vote you need a vacation! (Of course if you're anything like me, you wouldn't be able to relax with all this hanging over your head, so that's of limited usefulness.)

 

Does your husband realize just how much you have going on and how depleted you are? This shouldn't all rest on you. I'd sit down with my husband, explain everything that I've done and everything I still have to do, how overwhelmed and exhausted I am, and that I need to get it all done in time to have at least one week before school starts back where I can just relax. I'd ask him to take a week off work to help me--let him settle his grandmother's estate and deal with his family's drama (he can do this on weekends, or taking a day or half day off as needed), or let him run all the kids to appointments one week so you can dedicate a week to the co op planning. My husband rarely takes time off work, but in a situation like this, he'd take some time off to help me or his grandmother's estate just wouldn't get settled.

 

I'd also tell Dad that he's welcome to come over and borrow my computer and internet to do his research while I'm doing other things, but I'm sorry, Dad, I have other obligations right now too, so I really can't do the research for you.

 

((Hugs)) I'm sorry it's so busy and stressful for you right now.

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creekland

creekland

Posted
Posted

Run!  Far, far away!

 

Oh wait, we're supposed to be helpful...

 

When you can't run, venting on the board is often a great way to release some steam and get decent suggestions.

 

I'd at least let everything go for a day or two in order to allow your body and brain to relax some.  It doesn't matter if everything doesn't get done NOW.  It does matter than you don't end up killing yourself (even figuratively) in the process.

 

And vent away.  I don't really understand why, but it helps.

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JFSinIL

JFSinIL

Posted
Posted

This. 100%  In particular, number 2.  You own no one an explanation beyond "unexpected family crisis" (hey, dealing with settling Grandma's estate and special needs kiddo is more than enough to count as a crisis in my book!)

And vent here as often and as much as you want.  :-)

 

Oh, I agree with others - the boys are old enough to paint the girl's room.

 

 

Oh, man. Off the top of my head:

 

1) Forget summer school. Don't worry about it.

 

2) Get out of doing the Co-op class. Plead extenuating circumstances. Do whatever you have to do to get out of it. Maybe (!) you can do it spring semester. Or not at all.

 

3) Put off painting DD's room. Put the dresser back in her room.

 

4) Email John at WTM. I think you can listen to the sessions for several weeks afterward, but he'll know how long.

 

5) Spend a set amount of time each day (no more than 2 hours a day) on putting your house in order. Yes, I know that will take a while. But, just think - If you limit yourself to two hours a day, you'll have put in 12 hours a week (you're taking one entire day off from house stuff).

 

6) Tell your Dad you only have 2 hours a week to help him.

 

7) School year is already planned! Yay!

 

8) Take time to have fun with your family.

 

9) Take some time to heal and catch your breath.

 

10)  :grouphug:

 

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texasmama

texasmama

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Thank you all for your hugs and suggestions.  And yes, it does help to put it all out there.

 

Dh is self-employed running a small business out of our home.  He is pretty busy, but I can ask him to take a kid to the dentist and such.  If he is not at an appointment, he will do this.  Ds14 has ASD so rather than being able to help out, he requires a lot of my time and energy to keep him on an even keel doing basic self-care.  Ds12 is helpful.  College girl is rarely here.  Little dd is somewhat helpful.  I really only have one kid who is great help at home currently.

 

I don't feel that I can get out of the commitment to teach the high school English course at co op.  I have to do it for my two boys anyway, and I have eight other students signed up.  It was offered at my request.  There is no one else to teach it.

 

If I never get to listen to the online conference sessions, no harm will come to me.

 

I have a lady coming to clean the house tomorrow.  (I have been working on putting away college girl's apartment things in the attic and should have this done by tomorrow.)

 

I just asked ds12 to paint little dd's room.  He is willing to do it but wants to be paid, which I think is fair.  We have agreed on $20, and he will do a pretty good job.  I don't mind paying him $20 because that is a lot of work.

 

I will go to the grocery store and get some easy to prepare things which are still healthy.

 

I gave up exercising when Nan came to live with us, but I took it back up prior to kids' camp.  I also took back up eating healthy after Nan died, and I will keep that up.  The chiropractor is 25 minutes each way, but I do think she is helping me.  MIL asked where I would like a gift certificate from (to thank me for taking care of her mother), and I said to a massage therapist.  So I will do that in the next couple of weeks.

 

I had dh get Nan's box of papers, and I will take a few minutes each day to get things in order.  He will take care of submitting her death certificates to the insurance companies, etc.  Since I have been handling her affairs and we need to get things together for her house to pass on to MIL, I will do this a bit at a time.  The house is rented so this only involves information on taxes, insurance, rental income, etc.

 

I just sent an email to a friend who wanted me to put on a mental health webinar for her job and told her no.  :)  

 

I want to see Inside Out with little dd, and I will do this next week for fun.

 

This is a start, right?  I have to start somewhere.

 

Also, I will get a new calendar.  Mine is very cluttered, and it makes me feel disorganized.

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fraidycat

fraidycat

Posted
Posted

Oh, man. Off the top of my head:

 

1) Forget summer school. Don't worry about it.

 

2) Get out of doing the Co-op class. Plead extenuating circumstances. Do whatever you have to do to get out of it. Maybe (!) you can do it spring semester. Or not at all.

 

3) Put off painting DD's room. Put the dresser back in her room.

 

4) Email John at WTM. I think you can listen to the sessions for several weeks afterward, but he'll know how long.

 

5) Spend a set amount of time each day (no more than 2 hours a day) on putting your house in order. Yes, I know that will take a while. But, just think - If you limit yourself to two hours a day, you'll have put in 12 hours a week (you're taking one entire day off from house stuff).

 

6) Tell your Dad you only have 2 hours a week to help him.

 

7) School year is already planned! Yay!

 

8) Take time to have fun with your family.

 

9) Take some time to heal and catch your breath.

 

10)  :grouphug:

 

I really like most of these suggestions.  Why is there no like button for this post?

 

The only one I don't like is putting the dresser back in DD's room.  That's a good way for that project to get put off way too long and have DD feeling like she's lost in the shuffle. Put off the painting for a few weeks, but don't put the room back together. Is this the room that Nan passed away in? I might actually put that project at the top of my to do list to "give it a new life" before moving my minor child back into the room.

 

Put on oxygen mask.  Get out of Co-op class or postpone until spring.  Tell DH he can deal with his family and the estate.  Tell Dad he has to wait, or go to Walmart and get himself a computer - grandkids can teach him how to run it.

 

Daily naps.  Just 20 minutes, but try to make it happen.

 

ETA:  We cross posted.  I'm glad to see that a brain dump helped you to see some light through all the leaves and start getting things organized bit by bit.

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texasmama

texasmama

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Yes, Nan passed away in little dd's room.  Oddly, she asked to sleep in her room that very night after Nan died in the early morning.  (Her single bed remained in the room while Nan was in a hospital bed in that room.)  I was surprised, but she had been in a bottom bunk of ds14's room and just wanted her room back.  When we knew that Nan was nearing the end, we talked to the kids about how to handle the end.  Little dd wanted not to see Nan after she passed away and to leave if Nan was in a slow dying process so I had two people on call to come get her.  Nan passed away very quickly with no real warning, and I was able to get my friend to come get little dd so she did not see Nan or the funeral home people come to get the body.  My friend kept her all day and brought her back that evening.  She has not seemed to give one thought to the fact that Nan passed away in her room so long as she did not have to see the body.  That is the benefit of being nine, I think.  But I did want to paint it and give it a new look, and that is part of the "deal" I made with her when we decided to move Nan in so I want to honor it.  Plus, there are marks on the wall from the hospital bed.  Having ds12 paint the room will accomplish this and make everyone happy.

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texasmama

texasmama

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That's so much!  Hugs to you, I'm sorry for the stress.  We had dh's grandmother move in with us for the last 8 months of her life with Alzheimer's and I thought *I* would die it was so stinking hard.  ((((texasmama))))

We thought she had about 2-4 months left, and that is what I felt able to do.  She rallied physically a bit after coming to live with us, and it was a little disconcerting.  Two months was just enough time to walk her the last mile home but not to completely deplete me.  (Her care was not depleting so much as the mental burden of being the only person carrying the responsibility, which is how it worked out.  Family drama and weirdness added to the stress considerably.  Who knew people could act like such jackwagons over you wanting to do something good for their relative???)

 

A lot of things happened at once, including stuff with college girl, more testing/diagnoses for ds14, and kids' camp (good grief, never again...).  

 

Another thing - I need to protect the days when I don't have appointments so I can have some time at home to plan my class.  I do not like to plan in fits and starts because it takes me so long to get oriented to where I left off so I will look at my calendar and choose a relatively calm week and block out significant time to plan my class.

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J-rap

J-rap

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Posted

I'm sorry!  That sounds like way too much.  I find that what helps me the most is to make lists:  1)  Things I absolutely have to do now or in the next few days;   2)  Things that I absolutely have to do by the end of the summer;   3)  Things I have to do someday;  4)  Things I'd like to do but don't have to.

 

The first group is usually pretty easy to take care of, such as, caring for your migraines and probably your part-time jobs, if you are relying on that income. 

 

The second group can be broken down a little more as you go.  So, someone definitely needs to take care of husband's grandmother's affairs in the near future, but can your husband take over most of that?  And what is the absolute deadline that needs to be done by?  I guess under this group would also be finalizing your fall school plans.

 

So far, it seems like everything else could fall into group four, which means they can be crossed off if necessary.  Forget summer school.  (I used to dream about summer school too! ha)  Pull out teaching at the co-op for a semester.  (Unless this is where you get a real joy/satisfaction.)  Definitely no hurry on your children's rooms.  (Or can they do it themselves?)  Put your plan to build on your property on hold for now.  (Or let your husband take this part over?)  If helping your dad is a commitment you want to keep, limit it to every Tuesday evening from 6:30 - 8:30, or something like that.

 

What also helps me in times like this is to spend a day or two just getting everyone to clean the house!  We would all do it together.  I'd walk through the house and write down everything that needed to get done, and then we'd keep passing the list round and round the circle and everyone would initial a job they wanted to do each time it passed them.  Then, we just got to work and did it.  The kids would cross out each of their jobs as they did them.  Pick a day when everyone is home.  :)

 

 

 

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*Lulu*

*Lulu*

Posted
Posted

Oh honey! (((hugs)))

 

That is a ton of crappy and commitment compressed into a tiny time frame. I can't imagine someone dealing with that and NOT feeling like toast. It seems to me that you have a good plan in place. Except for the co-op bit. What sort of planner are you? Do you have to get into teacher mode or can you plan in small chunks?

 

Just keep breathing and remember that when you're treading water for a long time it is wise to rest your body by floating every so often. And we will tell you that as many times as you'd like.

 

We will also entertain you with stories so wild you snort lemonade out your nose when you need a laugh.

(I was gonna go with pee on yourself, but then I thought- maybe that's too much? But then I thought about making you laugh hard enough to pee on yourself and got super tickled. I have issues.)

 

If you can keep taking care of yourself throughout the summer, maybe you can work with your DH to figure out a way to get you whatever sort of break recharges you before you wade back into the school year.

 

And definitely come and vent here, as often as you want, about whatever you please.

 

Cuz we love you!!!

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

No advice.  Just a big hug that does nothing to dig you out of your workload, but hey, it's a moment away.  :0)

 

You'll be OK.  Just breathe.  

 

I'm going to attach this prayer because it has been immensely valuable to me in living day by day.  (())

 

 

O Lord,
grant that I may meet the coming day in peace.
Help me in all things
to rely upon Thy Holy Will.
In every hour of the day,
reveal Thy will to me.
Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me
throughout the day with peace of soul,
and with the firm conviction that Thy will governs all.
In all my deeds and words,
guide my thoughts and feelings.
In unforeseen events, let me not forget
that all are sent by Thee.
Teach me to act firmly and wisely,
without embittering and embarrassing others.
Give me the strength to bear the fatigue
of the coming day with all that it shall bring.
Direct my will.
Teach me to pray.
Pray Thou Thyself in me.
Amen.

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Junie

Junie

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:grouphug: You already have advice.  But an extra hug doesn't hurt...  It sounds like you have a good plan in place.  If I was familiar with the co-op curriculum I would try to help you, but I've never used the things you listed.  Sorry.

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kbutton

kbutton

Posted
Posted

kids' camp (good grief, never again...).  

 

Another thing - I need to protect the days when I don't have appointments so I can have some time at home to plan my class.  I do not like to plan in fits and starts because it takes me so long to get oriented to where I left off so I will look at my calendar and choose a relatively calm week and block out significant time to plan my class.

 

:iagree:

 

Could you either give your dad a list of internet tasks (searches, setting up an e-mail account if he has to correspond with builders, etc.) and send him to meet the media librarian OR ask him to help you with something in return? I know you said that most of the jobs are things you have to do, but maybe he can run a few plays at your house while you carve out some library time and take your class stuff with you (or he could somehow keep the kids in forward motion while you work at home). 

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Truscifi

Truscifi

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Posted

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It sounds like you already are doing that and have a plan in place. Make good use of lists to stay on track. And feel free to come here where you have plenty of people to lend a shoulder, an ear, or whatever else you need.

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Lanny

Lanny

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Posted

OP     I wish I had the perfect solution for you. You have had a lot of major issues recently. First, I believe you being the caregiver for DH's grandmother was the worst and in hindsight, that you would be much better off had she been in a hospice or the kind of place my mother was in before she passed away. There was an "Extra" (overseas viewers see them when U.S. viewers are shown commercials) about caregivers for Alzheimer's patients,  The caregivers need help or they crash.

 

If you cannot go to a Spa, I suggest that you soak in the bathtub and listen to your favorite music while relaxing.. 

 

Try to make yourself the priority, instead of your family, for awhile.  GL

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texasmama

texasmama

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Thank you all for the helpful suggestions and hugs!

 

A lady is supposed to be coming to clean my house today, and dh and I have agreed that she will come once a month, which will reset the house that often, at least.  I moved some clutter to prepare for her coming, including the last of college girl's apartment belongings to the attic (got my boys to help with this).  I will go to the chiropractor in a few minutes and then stop by and get a calendar to plan out my summer so I can see how to make things more manageable.  I need to see things written.  I can arrange to have the kids go somewhere else for the day here and there to give myself quiet to plan.  I think I will like the co op class when I do it, and it gave me a significant discount on my kids' other classes, plus the co op paid for the materials we are using so I do think it is a worthwhile endeavor.  

 

My dad is understanding of my time limitations and energy limitations.  I set some limits with him regarding what I can do, and he reoriented himself to the fact that I will not be calling this person and that person.  He will need to do what he can at whatever pace this proves to be.  

 

Taking care of dh's grandmother was a HUGE commitment and sacrifice from me and my family, but I do not regret it.  It was an amazing experience.  It just happened to fall at a time when I was depleted from the deaths of two friends, dealing with testing and dx of ds14, supporting college girl with some things (which she revealed to me after the visitation for dh's grandmother!), etc.  It was too much at once.  Then KIDS' CAMP finished me off.  Too old for kids' camp.

 

I have to leave now for the chiropractor but thank you and please keep it coming.  I do have the Jill Pike syllabus for the TTC and WttW curriculum combo, so if that is the lessons plans spoken of, I do have those.  Otherwise, I am open to anything that anyone has related to this.  

 

Thank you all for the support.  For some reason, it is difficult to find IRL.  I think people are used to me just marching on and dealing, which I am very good at  - but have reached maximum capacity!

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Laurie4b

Laurie4b

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Thank you all for your hugs and suggestions.  And yes, it does help to put it all out there.

 

Dh is self-employed running a small business out of our home.  He is pretty busy, but I can ask him to take a kid to the dentist and such.  If he is not at an appointment, he will do this.  Ds14 has ASD so rather than being able to help out, he requires a lot of my time and energy to keep him on an even keel doing basic self-care.  Ds12 is helpful.  College girl is rarely here.  Little dd is somewhat helpful.  I really only have one kid who is great help at home currently.

 

I don't feel that I can get out of the commitment to teach the high school English course at co op.  I have to do it for my two boys anyway, and I have eight other students signed up.  It was offered at my request.  There is no one else to teach it.

 

If I never get to listen to the online conference sessions, no harm will come to me.

 

I have a lady coming to clean the house tomorrow.  (I have been working on putting away college girl's apartment things in the attic and should have this done by tomorrow.)

 

I just asked ds12 to paint little dd's room.  He is willing to do it but wants to be paid, which I think is fair.  We have agreed on $20, and he will do a pretty good job.  I don't mind paying him $20 because that is a lot of work.

 

I will go to the grocery store and get some easy to prepare things which are still healthy.

 

I gave up exercising when Nan came to live with us, but I took it back up prior to kids' camp.  I also took back up eating healthy after Nan died, and I will keep that up.  The chiropractor is 25 minutes each way, but I do think she is helping me.  MIL asked where I would like a gift certificate from (to thank me for taking care of her mother), and I said to a massage therapist.  So I will do that in the next couple of weeks.

 

I had dh get Nan's box of papers, and I will take a few minutes each day to get things in order.  He will take care of submitting her death certificates to the insurance companies, etc.  Since I have been handling her affairs and we need to get things together for her house to pass on to MIL, I will do this a bit at a time.  The house is rented so this only involves information on taxes, insurance, rental income, etc.

 

I just sent an email to a friend who wanted me to put on a mental health webinar for her job and told her no.   :)

 

I want to see Inside Out with little dd, and I will do this next week for fun.

 

This is a start, right?  I have to start somewhere.

 

Also, I will get a new calendar.  Mine is very cluttered, and it makes me feel disorganized.

 

You have had an overwhelming amount on your plate. You've already started things to help yourself recover and this sounds like a very wise plan. 

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texasmama

texasmama

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I organized Nan's house and vehicle information for my MIL today, as she is coming tomorrow.  And dh took little dd to the orthodontist.  I still need to get a calendar, but I have made progress.  I also went to the grocery store and got some easy to prepare or grab food/snacks.

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texasmama

texasmama

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I organized Nan's house and vehicle information for my MIL today, as she is coming tomorrow.  And dh took little dd to the orthodontist.  I still need to get a calendar, but I have made progress.  I also went to the grocery store and got some easy to prepare or grab food/snacks.

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