Janie Grace Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I was talking about this with a (very smart and academically accomplished) single friend of mine today and I'm curious as to what you all think. He was wondering how important it is to find a woman who is on his level in terms of intellect (widely read, analytical, wants to discuss deep topics). He is getting to know someone who is admirable in other areas but, while she isn't dumb, is also not his "equal" in this realm. Intellectual compatibility is something I am grateful for, personally. My dh and I are probably about equal in IQ (not that IQ is an accurate or important measure, I'm just trying to explain what I mean)... neither of us feels that the other is "above us" in intellect. There are plenty of areas where one of us is stronger than the other, but generally speaking, we are a good match in this department. We can discuss issues with good back-and-forth and there is a lot of mutual respect for each others' minds. At the same time, I have friends where there is more disparity. Specifically, I have female friends who who feel that their spouse is substantially smarter than they are (though there are a few cases I can think of where this is reversed). Their gifts lie in other areas (they are artistic, creative, relational, etc. -- beautiful, wonderful people!). And this disparity doesn't appear to be a big deal in their marriages -- their spouse values them for who they are. So I guess I am just wondering.... was this factor important to you in choosing a spouse? If you feel there is significant disparity, is that a problem? How would you advise someone who is wondering whether it's an important factor and if it should be? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebrindam Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I think it's important and DH and I are very comparable. However, in daily life, my ADHD makes me far more impulsive and "quick thinking" whereas DH is slower and more methodical. At times that can make it feel as though there is a disparity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Someone who is not as *accomplished* intellectually might be as *interested* in deep topics. If the person was neither accomplished OR interested, that might be an issue. But at least if the other person is an inquirer, curious, and wanting to learn new things, that would help a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 If he often thinks of her as "not his equal" then problems will develop, unless he sees himself as not as good as her in other areas. Without mutual respect, there are going to be problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 DH and I consider it extremely important. We both have doctorates in theoretical physics. We appreciate our partner being an intellectual equal (well, not completely, my DH is still much smarter than I am when it comes to physics... he's quite extraordinarily gifted...) From my personal experience, I have seen functioning relationships where the husband is far intellectually superior to the wife, but never the opposite. Some men have a problem if their wives are their intellectual superiors... they may find it difficult when the woman spends her day doing something they can not comprehend, whereas I have not found women to have the same issue. Anecdotally, every single one of my female physicist colleagues, at every institution I ever worked at, is also married to a scientist or mathematician. I could not imagine not being able to talk to my husband about my or his work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I wish I could find someone like this. I've been single for 11 years now, but am not going to settle for just anyone. I'd even be happy with one friend I could talk to that is my equal intellectually. I don't know how to go about finding either so I just talk to my daughter and my mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Very important. And yes we are matched. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I consider it extremely important and we're definitely matched here (though we each have our strengths and weaknesses of course). I can't imagine having it otherwise - neither can hubby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks for the replies. It sounds like everyone feels the way I do, so far. I feel badly for my friend. He is in his late 20s and would love to find someone to settle down with... but all the women who are "equals" seem to be uninterested in a relationship/marriage/family. They are very career/education focused, not wanting to be distracted by a serious relationship. The women who are more inclined that way are not intellectual matches for him. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Yes, but that doesn't mean we are the same in level of interest or knowledge in all areas. I can only talk to my husband on a very very surface level about his work, and about a number of his interests, for instance. It's more about compatibility of sense of humor, wide base of knowledge and general interest, ability to make connections among information, interest in learning, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momof3littles Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Yes, and I would say we value that highly in our relationship. eta: We have many shared and some unique interests, work(ed) in different fields, but can understand enough about the work and interests of the other person to formulate thoughtful questions or engage in discussion. I can't imagine being with someone who didn't enjoy reading the paper, attending a performance or exhibition, or listening to an NPR piece and then thoughtfully discussing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Very important. I thought my ex-husband was my equal but it turned out that he was only my equal when discussing topics of his interest in my third language. As soon as we got on my turf it became exceedingly boring. Now I'm with someone who is my equal, and I his--we have different approached but did equally well in school and have equally well-rounded passions. We are complimentary and it's great. I would suggest if he's already worried about the lack of intellectual connection to break it off as soon as possible (provided they are, as it sounds, in the stage of life where one is looking for a partner--I don't see anything wrong with a little fling here and there if they are both on the same page and no babies will come of it). On the other hand, if she's okay with being the less-smart one... well... I guess that's different. There's nothing like doing a crossword or playing Scrabble or watching a film or reading a scientific journal with your partner. It is exciting and arousing. I guess there are some who will never find an equal because their intelligence is so rare. But let's say we are talking about an intelligence that would measure around 145-160... I think it's possible and he should look for that. Beyond that is a bit different and difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 It was important to me. I think I have read that studies show that spouses are usually within a few IQ points of each other. As far as I can tell looking at married people, they seem to be close in intellect. But you cannot just try to gage someone's intellect. I think if you went out for a while and you hit it off, you probably are close in IQ. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
go_go_gadget Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 The most important thing is the presence of mutual respect. That's probably more likely to occur when intelligence is matched, but it's possible to be present without matching and possible to be absent with matching. If your friend considers himself more intelligent than this lady but still finds plenty about her to admire and respect, then great. I'm in pure math and my husband is in experimental physics, so there's enough overlap that we can understand each other's work and discuss it, but not enough that we could actually *do* one another's work. I think we're matched for intelligence, but I'm more of a thinker to his do-er/maker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 My ex and I were not. He didn't care about intellectual conversation for the most part, but he is very spatially intelligent. IOW, he can build design and build stuff without too much planning. We were creatively matched, again manifested differently, but more equal. It was a struggle at times as we couldn't sit and discuss something like literature. I am so not ready or wanting another relationship right now, but I will be looking for someone to discuss some deeper subjects with. iow, his bookcase selections will be on the list of criteria. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I suppose it would depend on what's important to you in a relationship. Conversation is really important to my relationship. Beyond that, I like deep people and talks, so disparity wouldn't work for me. I think I read somewhere that most spouses are pretty equally matched in that area. Is it possible he's underestimating that aspect of her due to personality being different--say more emotional/relational in decision making and thinking? I've seen that in real life. Analytical and emotional for example are more about personality than intelligence. That said, I'm assuming he considers himself widely read and likes to discuss deep topics while she isn't and doesn't? That would be a problem in my relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks for the replies. It sounds like everyone feels the way I do, so far. I feel badly for my friend. He is in his late 20s and would love to find someone to settle down with... but all the women who are "equals" seem to be uninterested in a relationship/marriage/family. They are very career/education focused, not wanting to be distracted by a serious relationship. The women who are more inclined that way are not intellectual matches for him. :( If it makes you feel any better the women who are so career focused tend to "pay" for this in their mid thirties. One of my most ambitious friends got married at 34 and had two kids. Her husband was a doctor and she thought he was her intellectual equal, but he turned out to only be a doctor because his wealthy family had pulled him through. He never could have done it on his own, and he is not a very "global thinker". Now a divorced woman, my friend is still having a hard time finding a man that is interested in books, politics, ect. She really wishes she had cared more about finding someone in her twenties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Extremely important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 This is tricky. I did not think DH and I were intellectually matched when we first started dating. He had never finished a novel. Not even for school. >insert smilie face of horror< It was the thing that almost made me walk away in the early days of our dating. I could not imagine spending long periods of time with a non-reader. We were broke college students and so our main "date" mode was a daily 2 mile walk where we would just talk and talk. So, after I realized the book thing, I worked it into a conversation for the purpose of feeling him out about why he didn't read. For his birthday that year I bought him three books, a Stephen King, a Dean Koontz, and an Agatha Christie. He was hooked! He does not read as much fiction or read as widely in the non-fiction section as I do, but he reads as frequently as I do. I may kick his butt if we play history trivia but he posses an understanding of electronics and technology that is beyond impressive! The fact that we recognize areas of strength and weakness in each other, the fact that we love to talk to each other, even about things outside our comfort zone, and the fact that we share a couple areas of common interest and expertise makes it work for us. Granted, he glazes over if I want to talk math curriculum for more than 10 minutes.......but on the flip side, I glaze over if he tries to explain to me the "why" behind the tech. (Or when he wants to compare cell phone features or computer screen size!) So, my experience is that it is important. But that interest and willingness to try out the other person's areas of passion are equally, if not more, imprtant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naturegirl Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Wow, I guess I'll be a dissenter and say that I don't think it's as important as a lot of people here think it is. My husband is significantly smarter than me, at least academically speaking. And I don't consider myself dumb or anything. I actually think I'm fairly intelligent, it's just that my husband is extremely intelligent, one of the smartest people I've met. We have a really happy marriage. The fact that we don't match up intellectually hasn't been a problem for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I am not sure how intellectual equal is measured. I know plenty of happy couples with different educational levels, different interests, different reading habits... There has to be enough common ground for connection. I would say that for me similar religious and family commitment and vision were critical. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 It was VERY important to me. I dated a man long term, before DH, that I had to tone myself down for by not using 'big' words or discussing big, global things. When I met DH, despite his being four years younger than me, it was like a breath of fresh air. He gets everything I say and doesn't make me feel like I have to sensor myself at all. I don't think I could respect a man (let alone accept his council) who couldn't hold his own with me intellectually. ETA: It had nothing to do with educational attainment either. It was purely a matter of intellectual curiosity and personal drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Very important, but sadly, my Dh is even smarter than I am. Thankfully he hasn't noticed yet. LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 . iow, his bookcase selections will be on the list of criteria. LOL. I always found that a great indicator of whether I would have much in common with that person. Back home, where living space is smaller, bookshelves are typically in the living room and one of the first things one notices when visiting somebody's house ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I think general intelligence is important in all of my close friends including my spouse. Both dh and I like to discuss things in depth. In practice, though, we discuss his interests in depth because I've studied them (we met in grad school) but he doesn't really discuss all of my interests in depth because he's more narrowly focused. But I have other intelligent friends as well as my fellow boardies who are willing to discuss those. I would not have done well marrying someone who could not understand my vocabulary or my jokes (which most of the time are dumb but often require some general knowledge in order to understand) or my desire to read or the value I put on education. Dh matches me in all of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I am not sure how intellectual equal is measured. I know plenty of happy couples with different educational levels, different interests, different reading habits... There has to be enough common ground for connection. I would say that for me similar religious and family commitment and vision were critical. This is why I'm having difficulty answering. I think DH and I are intellectually well matched, but we have very different areas we are knowledgeable about. We never run out of stuff to talk about so I guess we are definitely compatible. I especially like the fact my husband is as introverted as I am and that he isn't a domineering macho man type. One thing we both share exactly is that we love learning new things. Sometimes he gets hooked on something he finds interesting and spends a lot of time learning about it. I do the same. I like that about him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wind-in-my-hair Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 As long as you love that person for who he or she is, as long as you are not deluded by the belief that women are inherently inferior to men, and hence any man should think twice before dating his intellectual equal because she may shame him; as long as a man's motive isn't that, and its true love, I think it could work. And I cannot tell if your friend's companion is lacking in wit or merely lacking in accolades. The two are not the same. Its too bad that women are often ridiculed when they "marry down," and seem to be the more intellectual or assertive or successful partner. I actually see this addressed in magazines as some sort of social problem, as if the women are either not right in their heads, or that our stock of quality men is withering. I don't think its anyone's business but the couple's, do you? There is virtue in an equal match, but I would say that if both don't have the brains at least one partner has to carry them. A good relationship, especially a married one, takes all the virtues between two people and spreads them over the whole, new entity. Two become one. At least that is how I look at it. So what is important is that the aggregate intelligence is high, and that the gap between the two partners closes as they get to know and share more of each other. And funny that this theme appears predominant in this season of Downton Abbey. Lady Mary just had a love affair with a suitor who has all the right looks and the right touch, but he seems a bit soft in the head to her, sentimental and doting in a way that she does not appreciate. Of course, what is happening to Mary right now is she is torn between two men that exemplify extremes of what Matthew was: while her late husband was both tender and sharp-witted, the two men that suit her are either of one sort or the other. I enjoy a partner I can talk to in-depth about controversial issues. I enjoy being able to learn as well as to connect and teach, so near-equality is something I value for the enjoyment factor of relating in a relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 LOL. I always found that a great indicator of whether I would have much in common with that person. Back home, where living space is smaller, bookshelves are typically in the living room and one of the first things one notices when visiting somebody's house ;-) I'm always surprised by people not appearing to have many or any books. It's especially surprising if they are homeschoolers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 My husband and I both think we are married to someone smarter than us. This works well for us. We both feel like we got the better end of the bargain. I could not be married to someone who lacked intellectual curiousity. Not all intellectually curious people are alike, there's a wide range. Also habits matter. My husband is quite smart. But if he came home every night and collapsed with a 6 pack, couch potatoing it in front of a TV, I wouldn't care how smart he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I find it difficult to believe he could be so attracted to her ( because it sounds like it is more than physical attraction) if their intelligence was so far apart. I would come closer to saying I wouldn't want a man who was so arrogant to label me as less intelligent than him. IRL I have a best friend who is married to a very successful business man...she never graduated high school and she really struggles with reading and writing. I have known her my entire life and I suspect she has a learning disability but she has gotten by in life just fine. They have a wonderful marriage because he respects her strengths. I have two other very intelligent women friends married to good old boys who worked hard and have provided well. They have great relationships too...again respect for the value of the person and other mutual interests. One of those women was married to an intellectually gifted man who was so arrogant he drove their marriage off into the ditch trying to control her every move because he was smarter than her. I do think in general it can be a good indicator of a good match...but if other areas were great I wouldn't dismiss such a person out of hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 My ex and I were not. He didn't care about intellectual conversation for the most part, but he is very spatially intelligent. IOW, he can build design and build stuff without too much planning. We were creatively matched, again manifested differently, but more equal. It was a struggle at times as we couldn't sit and discuss something like literature. Sounds familiar. I wish DH and I matched in some of these ways. I was so young when we met. I didn't have a lot of awareness of the intellectual nature of many things I enjoy. Our relationship works anyhow, but I do think it's a crying shame that I can't gush about sub-plots and the Hero's Quest in Harry Potter with him. OTOH, I did luck out by having a DD who likes the things I like. So, I guess you could say I just don't look to DH for certain things, like discussing books. Thankfully, there are lots of things we both like and he has tremendous knowledge about those things (gardening, building, cooking, business). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 I find it difficult to believe he could be so attracted to her ( because it sounds like it is more than physical attraction) if their intelligence was so far apart. I would come closer to saying I wouldn't want a man who was so arrogant to label me as less intelligent than him. To be fair, I didn't say he was "so attracted to her." I said "he is getting to know someone who is admirable in other areas but, while she isn't dumb, is also not his 'equal' in this realm." He's just getting to know her (they were set up on a blind date and have spent time together two more times). He admires her. He is not sure if he's attracted to her romantically and this is part of the reason. I don't think he is being arrogant. I think there is a range of intelligence and he is trying to be both realistic/honest and humble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 My husband and I both think we are married to someone smarter than us. This works well for us. We both feel like we got the better end of the bargain. Haha...we are the same. One sort of odd thing about my husband is that he is a lot smarter than he thinks. Most people seem to think they are a lot smarter than they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I have a friend who had this really nice boyfriend. He was so attentive, kind and sweet. He'd been a Marine, has a masters degree in a science field. He was very marriage minded and he wanted to get married and start a family. He didn't care that she was wholly infertile, and was immediately accepting about adoption etc. Really totally Mr. Right on paper. She broke it off with him and we were all thinking "wtf"? Well, about a week later he came over to my house to get help with his résumé and I was helping him put it together and I was like oh, I see now. He wasn't dumb but she was just so much more intellectually gifted than him and he was, regardless of not being an idiot, just unbelievably uninterested in the world around him. I hope he's happily married now but there was no way that my friend could have been his wife. My friend is not a snob and never told me she was smarter than him but there was a big disparity between them and I totally understood why she made that decision once I had seen him one on one out of a dinner party or BBQ gathering setting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 To be fair, I didn't say he was "so attracted to her." I said "he is getting to know someone who is admirable in other areas but, while she isn't dumb, is also not his 'equal' in this realm." He's just getting to know her (they were set up on a blind date and have spent time together two more times). He admires her. He is not sure if he's attracted to her romantically and this is part of the reason. I don't think he is being arrogant. I think there is a range of intelligence and he is trying to be both realistic/honest and humble. Ah. I see. Well, if he can't deal with then she might not be the one. Oddly enough he might find the one later who still isn't as smart as he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 We are matched, but our intelligence expresses itself differently. He remembers everything he reads, where I remember everything I hear. And our interests are wildly different except on a few subjects. Like, the other night at 1:00 when I was just nodding off, finally, he starts telling me all about some Greek verb tense that cannot be expressed in English and what a difference it makes in translation. (REALLY???? It's 1 in the MORNING HERE?????) He is incredibly logical and I am much more intuitive, although I am not illogical. I just see more ways of understanding things. ETA: my dh is an incredible problem solver when things are involved. I do pretty well where people are involved. He has a much longer attention span than I do, but I can manage many processes at the same time, and he can't do that at all. One thing I remember reading is that husbands and wives of longer-term marriages tend to be closer in intellectual capability (as measured by IQ) than do siblings, or children, or parents. It was not a conscious thing on my part to look for this match, but I found that when I was seriously outgunned or undergunned, it just wasn't as much fun to be around the guys I dated. It was sort of a natural compatibility, not a sought-after characteristic. Does that make sense? Now, the thing that is interesting is that we have become more like each other--I more cool and able to think things through logically and he more willing to intuit things over the years. And, we have also learned to trust the strength of the other when we are out of our depths, intellecually and just personality-wise as well. He's much better at clarifying guiding principles and I'm much better at not getting people irritated with us. :0) We're a team. And now we are getting into that stage where we are unable to conjure up the exact word we are looking for, and without much trouble, we fill in the word for each other (most of the time) without even being asked, so the conversation flows pretty easily still. WE shall see what happens in the days to come. :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 No, and it is sadly turning out to be more important than I ever thought it would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Yes, we are pretty much on the same level. I have one more M.A. than he does! :laugh: As far as dating and marriage, I didn't date a whole lot until I was older. I got married at almost 30 and am very glad I did not marry earlier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I don't know if I agree so strongly. I think I have a higher IQ than dh but we are very different. While academic work comes easier to me........but I have to admit I am not into great deep thinking, analyzing literature, etc.---he is very hands on and can do custom machining and build parts for things that I need, fix our cars, etc. We both do have a love/heart for the more down and out, needy, disadvantaged, etc. Dh relates so incredibly well to troubled teen boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 My husband has very different strengths than I do. He gets math, I get language. It was priceless to see the look on his face when I explained a double negative in language the other day.....because of course he understands it in math..... I have never met anyone like my dh...he has incredible gifts ....as his mom says he can "see things" as far as how they go together crazy fast....I actually think our over intelligence is very close...just very different. We never run out of things to talk about. We had very similar childhoods, our upbringings were identical....smart, strong single moms, same religion...he thinks I am funny, he loves me so much and I think he is awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 We never run out of things to talk about. We had very similar childhoods, our upbringings were identical....smart, strong single moms, same religion...he thinks I am funny, he loves me so much and I think he is awesome. That is one thing DH and I do not have in common. Our childhoods were very different in many ways. We both had parents who stayed married, but my parents both finished college and his family had never had anyone go to college until some of his cousins (older) started going. I also grew up overseas and he grew up and never traveled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I'm always surprised by people not appearing to have many or any books. It's especially surprising if they are homeschoolers! About 90% of our books are upstairs, where you wouldn't see them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Haha...we are the same. One sort of odd thing about my husband is that he is a lot smarter than he thinks. Most people seem to think they are a lot smarter than they are. That is my husband as well. He spent his entire life thinking that, because he struggles with standardized tests, that he wasn't smart. He still has trouble seeing that, just because I have read more of this or that, that doesn't make him less intelligent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 It is extremely important to me. My dh and I are one IQ point apart. (Mine is the higher one and I tease him about it from time to time. He always rejoins with, "It's a shame you don't use your extra point." All in good fun.) I would not want to be married to a man that I felt couldn't keep up with me intellectually. There's nothing that frustrates me more than trying to have a deep or intellectual conversation and the other person is completely uninterested. If I was looking for a mate and he couldn't even try to have that conversation I would be too frustrated to keep the relationship going. Note: I wouldn't mind if a man was smarter than me. I don't know how he would feel about it, but if I was single and met a man smarter than me, I would be very attracted to him. He might deem me not smart enough for him, but I wouldn't mind being married to a man smarter. But I am intellectually curious and I would be happy to try to learn from him or talk with him about things he's interested in so maybe it'd be ok. I think that culturally until very recently men have been expected to be smarter than their spouse. We are all women here responding that we would need a spouse to be our equal. But on a board with all men, I wonder if they would feel differently and say that they wouldn't mind a spouse who was not their equal just because of the cultural conditioning we've all had. Perhaps we've had the same conditioning and feel that we must have a man who is equal or smarter. I don't know, I'm just wondering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 That is my husband as well. He spent his entire life thinking that, because he struggles with standardized tests, that he wasn't smart. He still has trouble seeing that, just because I have read more of this or that, that doesn't make him less intelligent. My dh too. He didn't finish Hs and worked construction for years. When he got hurt he needed to be retrained...he was gobsmacked to learn he was smart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 We're fairly evenly matched and we also work in the same industry but different aspects of it. We're both strong and interested in science, although he's strong in physics and chemistry and I'm stronger in biology. I'm stronger in literature and similar areas while he's very strong in math. Dh doesn't read much now (except industry stuff) but he has read most of the classic Science Fiction, and we owned many of the same books when we first married. He likes that I read a lot because I don't complain about him watching sports all the time, especially this time of year. Pro Football and College Basketball are his biggies. My ex husband always thought he was smarter than me until I returned to college. Then he started getting worried that I would end up being smarter than him and he made things very, very difficult for a while. So, I think insecurity could cause problems if there is a discrepancy - actual or perceived - in intelligence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 My dh too. He didn't finish Hs and worked construction for years. When he got hurt he needed to be retrained...he was gobsmacked to learn he was smart. Yeah, my DH was shocked to realize that he had a 3.8average in his major specific classes when he earned his B.S. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Haven't read any responses yet.... my husband is far superior to me intellectually. He knows it and I know it, and we always have. However we are successful (or have been so far, 19 years on) because we do understand that but we have a lot of more important (to us) similarities. Our moral, ethical, and religious values line up. Before we were married we agreed on our desire to have kids and a stay-home mom. We have some shared interests and some interests of our own. I can't (and don't want to) talk about deep theological topics with him, but he has friends who can and will. I'm happy to be in the room with them pouring coffee or wine and listening in. (Yes, as a matter of fact I was born in the '50s.) I have coffee or drinks with my friends and talk my interests that he doesn't share. When we are together, we have plenty to talk about. I've learned from him, and (perhaps to a lesser degree), he's learned some things from me too. If there are times when he wishes I was smarter, he doesn't show it. Oh, as I'm typing I just realized that his first wife was his intellectual equal. Maybe after that marriage failed he realized that wasn't so important? ETA: I just remembered something my husband told his mother when we started dating. One of the things he really liked about me was the fact that I had "a lot of common sense." I had never thought about that but I guess I am pretty sensible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I think that culturally until very recently men have been expected to be smarter than their spouse. We are all women here responding that we would need a spouse to be our equal. But on a board with all men, I wonder if they would feel differently and say that they wouldn't mind a spouse who was not their equal just because of the cultural conditioning we've all had. I just posed the question to my husband and he immediately answered that it is VERY important. I agree. Most of our friends/colleagues seem pretty well-matched intellectually. I have seen mismatches when old rich men divorce their wives to marry much younger women, but I don't think in those cases that the men are really looking for *intellectual* stimulation. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.