Lady Florida. Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 was over a half hour late home from work? Would it make a difference to your answer if his normal time to get home was 11:30 at night? That would depend on if I was normally up when he gets home. I think night is different for some reason and people tend to worry more when someone is overdue at night. If I was usually up, then I'd appreciate a call or text just to set my mind at ease. If I was usually asleep when he comes home I wouldn't want a call to wake me up just to say he'll be late. Dh did work 3rd shift for a while. He was rarely late then, but when he was he didn't call because he didn't want to wake me up. Ds was a toddler then, and dh knew how much I valued my sleep time. I really, really like ETAs and any after work schedule, so I know how to plan the evening. My husband knows this and generally obliges, though I sometimes have to ask. It's not even so much that I worry about his safety, though that is an aspect - I just find I manage my time better and more patiently if I know when he will arrive. Uncertainty drives me crazy. Yes, this. Even though I know what time dh usually gets home, he usually texts ETA. Sometimes he gets caught up trying to finish something before he leaves. When that happens, he's so involved in the work that he forgets to stop and call. He tries though, so I cut him slack. Like Arctic Mama and others said, it's mostly to help me plan my evening. It's different from when he worked nights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Nope. Dh and I routinely are held up for several hours at work, it wouldn't phase me a bit. If we are worried about each other, we text that person and touch base. If they didn't text back in a half hour/hour or so, I may be concerned but it depends on the situation. ie if I know he is driving a long distance, I wouldn't expect a call until he stopped driving, which could be an hour or two. etc If I really wanted to get a hold of him, I would call and he would know to respond faster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 A half hour wouldn't concern me. An hour without any word would, though. DH is pretty good about texting if he's going to be later than expected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I think this depends on dynamics / personality. My dh texts several times a day, expects me to text him when I leave work (I have a long commute) or when he is home and waiting. I always know whereabouts he is and when he thinks he will be home. Now that most people have cells and texting capabilities, it's no hardship to find a phone. Way back when you had to find a public phone, we would not have done this. Perhaps you can explain that you get worried, especially since it's late at night? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 30 minutes late can be one traffic accident on the road home here, so it doesn't generally bother me. Having said that, I'm glad DH started working from home, because he has this tendency to get into a hard/interesting problem (he's a software engineer) and totally lose track of time. If he's home, I at least know he's alive (my brain starts going to the extremes very easily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yes. My dh is type 1 diabetic. I have too much experience with him getting low blood sugar NOT to be worried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I want a phone call, but I don't always get one. We usually have dinner when he gets home and when I have food ready and waiting and kids whining that they are hungry, it's irritating for him to be late. If I knew he was going to be late, I would go ahead and feed the kids. I would worry if he was driving on the highway or something, but fortunately, we live about 2 miles from his job and all his driving is in a small town, residential streets. If he were to have an accident, it would only be a fender bender. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Thanks everyone. I've asked him to call in the future. (And for someone who asked, it is a "want", not an "expect" situation.) I wouldn't even notice if he was that late during the day. For some reason having it happen late at night when it is dark and the roads are usually wet, makes me a bit more nervous. I know there are less cars on the road but it seems like if there is an accident at that hour it is usually a bad one due to drunk driving or something weather related. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 My husband always calls when he leaves work to let me know he's on his way. That helps me know exactly how long I have left until dinner should be ready. If he usually got home at 11:30, I would not want him to call because I am asleep long before that. I'd want him to text me if he'd be late. My phone is not in my bedroom at night, but if I happened to wake up and he wasn't home yet I could go down and check my phone and see that he said he'd be late. Otherwise, honestly, I'd panic and my mind would go straight to car accident and dead in a ditch. I'm weird that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Not usually for for half an hour but for an hour I would, Dh usually texts me if he is running late. He often works until 11:30. I often throw leftovers on the stove for him so if he lets me know if he is late then that is helpful. I am usually awake at 11:30. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 90 minutes? I might want a call. 30 minutes is nothing . . . an extra conversation on the way out. I probably wouldn't notice he was late for about twenty minutes anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 If I normally waited up for him, yes. If not, then I would think he might not call due to a concern about waking me up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 I normally wait up for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Not for a half hour, but for more than an hour I usually get a text or call. I would start worrying at 90 minutes w/no contact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 The most interesting part of this thread for me is finding out how many people would be asleep at 11:30pm. When you're a crazy night owl like me, 11:30 seems like the middle of the evening! :D (But we don't have to get up early, either, so it doesn't matter when we go to bed.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 An hour late, but he usually tells if he knows he's going to be late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 The most interesting part of this thread for me is finding out how many people would be asleep at 11:30pm. When you're a crazy night owl like me, 11:30 seems like the middle of the evening! :D (But we don't have to get up early, either, so it doesn't matter when we go to bed.) Yup, 11:30 is the start of my evening! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 The conversation went like this. Me - "I would appreciate a call." Him - "I can't call in the middle of a medical emergency." (He's an RN). Me - "I understand that. But once you are done and go out to the car, I'd appreciate a call." (The drive home takes 30 min. so it would give me an extra 30 min. peace of mind.) Him - actually I can't remember what he said but it was something about why I thought it was a big deal because he didn't.. Me - "It is late at night and it would give me more peace of mind to know that you are safe." Him - "Ok." I still don't think he really understands where I'm coming from but that's ok. I don't care if he understands. I'd just like a call. I specifically did not call him prior because I didn't want to risk interrupting him/ distracting him in the midst of a medical emergency because I know those happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 That's about the time my dh gets home at night, and while I used to expect the call--especially because it was late at night--I've mostly let it go. There are so many variables that go into what time he arrives home. It's all about battle-picking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 That's about the time my dh gets home at night, and while I used to expect the call--especially because it was late at night--I've mostly let it go. There are so many variables that go into what time he arrives home. It's all about battle-picking. For some reason my personal comfort zone is that any time before midnight doesn't bother me. If he still isn't home by midnight then I start to get freaked out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yeah, dh usually sends a text before he leaves because sometimes his schedule is wonky. He might be ready to leave and then get caught in a 45 minute conference call. So yes, I would expect a text. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 was over a half hour late home from work? Would it make a difference to your answer if his normal time to get home was 11:30 at night?Well, in general yes. But this was something dh had to learn about me. I used to get upset over 5 minutes late (back when I had 3 under 5 and was counting minutes by the end of the day). LOL However, now, and in the middle of the night--I'd likely be asleep. I would probably ask him to text, though, in case I WAS awake or woke up and worried. I think this is definitely one of those no one way is right--but you have to flex according to the temperaments/personalities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Oh and a text would be fine. Dh is more likely to call than to text though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 30 minutes? No, over an hour, then yes that would be nice. DH has worked all shifts so the time of day really makes little difference. He has in the past gotten very busy right at the end of the day and will think he'll only be a short while..... hours later he finally will call/text. His job can be a physical one (especially in the past before he was the boss) and he literally has his hands to busy to call. I would say though that 9/10 if he's going to be more then an hour late he calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 An hour late, but he usually tells if he knows he's going to be late. That surprised me too. I was also surprised by the number of people who felt more anxiety over nighttime lateness than daytime lateness. The time of day wouldn't phase DH or me at all, but then again we're night owls and comfortable with darkness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Only if it would directly affect an action someone else was taking. My husband works from home most of the time, but he has to be on site now and then (like tomorrow.) If he's going to be home later than the usual 7:15ish dinner time then he should let me know as soon as he's aware of it. BUT sometimes life happens, so if every now and then he doesn't keep me up to speed, it's no big deal. If he made a habit of not letting me know when there's a change in plans then I'd have a conversation with him about it. Usually he texts me when he's leaving the site and if he's stuck in traffic as the traffic can be horrendous between home and the site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 That surprised me too. I was also surprised by the number of people who felt more anxiety over nighttime lateness than daytime lateness. People seems to speed or talk and drive more on the freeways after sunset. We also encounter more "drunken" drivers in the evening (weaving continuously or driving in the wrong direction). We see more highway patrol cars recently maybe because there are more drink and drive cases from thanksgiving until Christmas. After midnight the freeway can look like a racetrack. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 *If* I expect my dh home at a certain hour and he is then over half an hour late, then yes I would like and want a call. But most of the time since his hours can be irregular, I would just like a call that gives an eta when he leaves work. In my mind, I worry less and plan better. Much happier for both of us. And, in this day and age of cell phone and drones, it really isn't that hard to accommodate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Either dh phones me, or I'll call him. His departure times vary, and his journey depends on which bus he caught. If you wonder where he is, can't you simply text or phone him instead of waiting for him to phone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 If it wasn't the norm for him, then yes. I'd prefer a text. Because a phone ringing that late is usually only bad news. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Either dh phones me, or I'll call him. His departure times vary, and his journey depends on which bus he caught. If you wonder where he is, can't you simply text or phone him instead of waiting for him to phone? a. He can't have the phone on the floor at work and he doesn't reliably check for messages. b. I don't want to distract him if he is on the road. I'd rather him call me because he can control the circumstances. FWIW, it is not a huge deal. It is a preference for me. I just wondered if it was a preference for others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I don't mind. But it's our routine. He's routinely a half hour to hour late, so I don't even blink an eye anymore. We are casual about dinner. We usually eat on tv trays and all watch a show together. If he's late, we'll start without him, no biggie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 This reminds me how much I wish my dh had a set time for getting of work. It can be anywhere between 3:00 to 6:00 PM. Sometimes I will call or text him to ask if he has any idea, but I hate to bug him to much. It just makes dinner time more difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I don't mind. But it's our routine. He's routinely a half hour to hour late, so I don't even blink an eye anymore. We are casual about dinner. We usually eat on tv trays and all watch a show together. If he's late, we'll start without him, no biggie. No one in our family is eating dinner at 11:30 to midnight. So not an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetIrony Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Mine doesn't have a usual "quitting time," but he usually texts as he's going to the car. I try to base dinner prep around that, so when he tells me he's going to the car but doesn't and then doesn't tell me he didn't until it's past time when he should've been home, ugh. Plus with our spirited toddler and baby, I'm very much in countdown to not being the only adult mode. If he were always home at the same time, I would expect a late notice, but that would go both ways. I almost could have written this. It drives me crazy when my DH tells me he's leaving, then an hour later when I'm wondering where he is, he texts again to say that now he's REALLY leaving. Usually someone stops him to talk about something as he's walking out. I would think it would be pretty easy to shoot me a quick text to let me know he has to talk to so-and-so before he leaves. Or tell so-and-so that he needs to get home and they can talk about it tomorrow. I complained about it enough times that now he usually doesn't text or call until he's actually IN the car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 was over a half hour late home from work? Would it make a difference to your answer if his normal time to get home was 11:30 at night? Yes. A call, text, something -- would be considerate and much appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I used to try and get something hot ready for him at 11:30 pm. But it was straining my health to do so. Now I have a choice of leftovers in the refrigerator that he can quick pop in the microwave or frozen dinners that he can microwave. So I guess you can say that someone is eating at that time - dh - but it doesn't disrupt a family dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Yes around meal times (he doesn't usually get to eat much during a 12 hour shift, so he's starving), and double-yes about 11 PM. I stay up if he'll be home around 11 (short drive). He could easily run into trouble with not so nice people in the parking lot in his line of work and such. And yes if he's riding his bike home (only does this for day shifts)--the first intersection by his work is a doozy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 One reason I get more concerned at night is that dh just told me that it is getting harder to see at night when driving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 dp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 The most interesting part of this thread for me is finding out how many people would be asleep at 11:30pm. When you're a crazy night owl like me, 11:30 seems like the middle of the evening! :D (But we don't have to get up early, either, so it doesn't matter when we go to bed.) This. 11:30 pm, That's still within acceptable "call the family" (my parents or sister) hours. Night owling is a family trait. ;) If anybody is in bed before midnight, it's because they are ill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 My husband goes to and fro like an unpredictable (but non-violent) tornado. ;) When I'm expecting him and wondering where he is, I usually text him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I think the type of job and the typical relationship expectations are in play in this situation. For me, I would expect a text because: #1, he texts me all day long, #2, his shift off time rarely fluctuates. So, being late would not be normal. #3, he freaked me out a couple of times early on in marriage where I woke up, he wasn't home and I woke all four kids in diapers, loaded in the van in pajamas and went out hunting him. Found him, ugly cried and made an idiot of ourselves..he knows better now ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 For some reason my personal comfort zone is that any time before midnight doesn't bother me. If he still isn't home by midnight then I start to get freaked out. That's reasonable. So many things can happen at night that just aren't as big a concern during the day, especially for people who are handling money, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 That's reasonable. So many things can happen at night that just aren't as big a concern during the day, especially for people who are handling money, etc. He doesn't handle money, but he does handle drugs! (As in a medical setting.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 a. He can't have the phone on the floor at work and he doesn't reliably check for messages. b. I don't want to distract him if he is on the road. I'd rather him call me because he can control the circumstances. FWIW, it is not a huge deal. It is a preference for me. I just wondered if it was a preference for others. Yes, I understand this. And when he is in control of the circumstances, it can be frustrating to those who aren't and are expecting certain things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 11:30 no, because I'd be asleep. Dinnertime, for sure, because I usually get antsy for adult companionship around then and it just helps to hear he's running late so I can go get a glass of wine to help me chill. OK, kidding on that last bit. Sort of. Oh, but I wouldn't want a call, a text would suffice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I would want a call...I'm a bit of a worrier. Typically, he doesn't call though. He often is still dealing with work calls on his way home and has a variety of reasons why he often runs late. If it's something that bothers you I would just talk with DH about it. See if you can come up with a plan to call that is easy enough for him and works for you so you don't worry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 No. He'd call if he was in trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Yes, but I'd be fine to call him if I was wondering or worried. If he was unreachable at work, then i'd be more insistent about him calling ME if he was running late. FWIW, my dh's getting home time varies wildly due to the nature of his work, so I never really expect him home until he calls when he is getting out. He always calls when he is on his way to the car, and sometimes he'll call if he is VERY late and knows he is going to be even later (like if he's stuck going in to an after hours surgery, etc.), but otherwise, I generally expect him in a two hour window, lol. That said, I call HIM once or so a week if either I am antsy about when he'll get home because of dinner or kid activities, or if he is running particularly late and I am worried or curious. He can usually answer his cell after hours, but if he doesn't, then I can call the work number and someone will pick up . . . Once or twice a year, he gets tied up in an emergency, doesn't call, and it is past hours and so the front staff isn't answering or is gone . . . and I do worry a bit, but I really know what is going on . . . so I try not to sweat it. I do love that he calls me, and I try to be especially sweet when he calls, ESPECIALLY if he is working late! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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