Terribly sad over end of homeschooling

[Minli]

Hi,

I'm trying to keep this post as short as possible. We home schooled for 2 years (DH accepted it as an experiment), but this year he definitely rejected the idea. This means that our third grader is attending public school and our second daughter will be in kindergarten. I'll be at home with our son, who'll be 1 year old in November.

I hate it, though the school and the teacher are very good (my daughter loves the teacher) and I just can't go over it. I keep saying to myself that the pain is normal (after all we've spent so much time together!), that luckily she's still alive (!), that separation is the normal course of life, that maybe one day we'll get back to homeschooling, but I still hate it and cry when able to hide in some corner. Also, I've grown very distant from my husband and feel that I just can't reconnect anymore, partly because I blame him for sending the girls away. This is not the only issue between us though, but it's a big one... I must add that he loves the children very much, that he also taught them with me, that he likes the idea of homeschooling though he's not against school and that he believes the girls will benefit the new environment more than staying at home, where not everything is rosy (I can get quite tense and frustrated especially when the baby screams and ruins our lessons). I feel that instead of trying to find a solution to the problems he chose the easiest option, because he said he felt overwhelmed.

 

I'm also fighting (sometimes truly successfully :)) a depression. I haven't written so much about our middle child because ever since the older sister went to school I haven't been able to do kindergarten activities at home, it feels as if my creativity were paralyzed. The only thing I can do for her daily is read stories or have short walks, but everything seems so empty without the big girl. This of course is not a good thing for the second child, so I have one more reason to feel guilty for.

I cannot get organized and my mind is a  chaos. I hate it, there's no better word for this state and though I know it's harmful I can't get out of it. I'm trying to really put it into my head that it's not the end of the world, that other people face REAL problems ( I'm terrified whenever I read about the international situation- all the horrible conflicts going on in various parts of the globe), but it just doesn't get any better.

 

Any suggestions?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that first you need to go to a doctor and talk to him about your depression and anxiety.  Then I think you need to go to a marriage counselor either with or without your husband.  I would be very upset if my husband unilaterally made a decision like that.

[Mergath]

Is it possible your husband has a clearer picture of the mental health issues you're dealing with and is, in part, adamant about public schooling because he's worried about you and wants to lighten your load?  That doesn't make it okay for him to decide on his own, of course, but it's something to think about.  I really think you should see your doctor and possibly try medication to treat your depression and anxiety.  Maybe when you're feeling better, you and your dh can revisit homeschooling.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[EKS]

I went through what I see now was a grieving process a few years ago when, after 10 years of homeschooling, both of my children attended school.  I think it's very normal to mourn the loss of something that has become a part of you like homeschooling does.

 

However, it sounds like the bigger issue here is that your husband unilaterally made the decision to send the kids to school.  Perhaps he is a "fixer" and that was his way of "helping" you with whatever issues he thought you needed help with.  Or it could be a symptom of an serious imbalance of power within your relationship.  Either way, marriage counseling would be something to consider.

[Elisabet1]

Personally, I would not have sent my child. My husband is not my ruler...he is my partner.

 

I do not see how a healthy marriage can exist where one partner is a tyrant and dictator and the other just obeys. That is more similar to a master/slave relationship than a marriage. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Personally, I would not have sent my child. My husband is not my ruler...he is my partner.

 

I do not see how a healthy marriage can exist where one partner is a tyrant and dictator and the other just obeys. That is more similar to a master/slave relationship than a marriage. 

Ouch.  How does this help someone who is hurting?

[Amy in NH]

I think that many parents who have homeschooled for any length of time wrap the homeschooling part of their life and relationship with their children up in their identity.  That part of you has been removed and perhaps you are having a bit of an identity crisis?  Does your husband know how miserable you are about "his" decision? 

[Jennifer3141]

Why is this your DH's sole decision? I'd be looking for a counselor and a divorce attorney if mine tried anything this  dumb.

[Elisabet1]

nm 

 

Edited September 28, 2014 by Susan Wise Bauer
This strikes me as harsh and unkind, esp. for a public discussion board.

[plansrme]

I think that bringing your questions to this board is like emptying a pool with an eye dropper. There is a lot going on in your post, and it is not just being sad about not homeschooling. You need to consult someone in your real life. Perhaps start with your OBGYN (I suggest that mostly becausr you likely already have one) about possible PPD.

[Melinda in VT]

Why is this your DH's sole decision? I'd be looking for a counselor and a divorce attorney if mine tried anything this  dumb.

 

This seems extreme.

 

The kids have two parents who don't agree on the best way to educate them. The dad tried the mom's preferred solution for two years, and by her own admission was very involved in that process. Now, he wants his preferred solution to have a turn.

 

How did this become an act that results in divorce attorneys?

 

What would you think of a husband who divorced his wife because she homeschooled when he wanted the kids in school?

 

Ideally, spouses agree on these decisions, but at the end of the day if you have one parent adamantly for homeschooling and one parent adamantly for sending the kids to school, one parent is going to be happy with the final decision and one is going to be sad. It doesn't mean either partner has acted unfairly or stupidly.

 

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, the idea of being the perfect mother is a hard thing to let go of. If being a home school mom is part of being the perfect mother in your mind, then yes, you will hurt. There is ZERO wrong with sending your kids to public/ private/ outdoor/ Sunday school if you want/ need to. I sent my youngest to high school this year and I get teary eyed over the home school things that are still around the house. I should get them on Craigslist/ the board and get them out of here, but it makes me sad.

 

But before getting mad at dh, I would make sure that you are dealing with any depression/ anxiety before blaming him for things. But if marital troubles are causing the loss of creativity that you feel I would definitely deal with that first. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

[celticmom]

When dh and I disagreed about the idea of homeschooling, he made the mistake of saying that if I homeschooled dd I would have to handle the homeschooling without any help from him. I just smiled at him and he quickly realized that I could handle homeschooling but he he could not handle getting dd up, ready and to school, and all communication and meetings with teachers, and all homework help.

 

The OP could always make her dh take responsibility for his decision by handling EVERYTHING related to the school. His decision, his problem.

[SharonM]

I am sad for you, and I hope that you can feel better soon. Homeschooling is/can be a huge part of our parental identity. I loved it for my kids and we went for the 12 years. My dh had strong reasons not to which did affect our marriage but we were able to work through it.

 

If you are fighting depression, maybe that should become your focus, so that in the future your would/might be able to bring the girls home?  Depression is truly horrible to fight (I watch my dd do it daily) could this be the reason for your dh to decide the way he did?

 

I pray that you will be able to communicate with your dh about this and find peace.

 

[chiguirre]

The OP could always make her dh take responsibility for his decision by handling EVERYTHING related to the school. His decision, his problem.

I know that's a bit passive aggressive, but if you're having specific issues with the school, I'd consider it. Dh was not on board with hsing until he went to a special ed meeting and realized that the school could not/would not accommodate Geezle's needs. As a result, we hsed until I realized it was time for him to go to b&m school. Being in agreement about school decisions is very important, so you'll need to discuss all the issues and come to a decision you can both support. For us, hsing was the right decision for a long time and now public school is the best choice. They've both got plusses and minuses that need to be weighed.

[GinaPagnato]

I can understand how hard it would be to go from working toward a vision (however imperfect it may have been in real life) for your kids and family, to something that's not at all what you want.

There is a natural grieving that goes with changes like this.

Having said that, I think maybe your dh has some legitimate concerns and I wouldn't paint him as the bad guy here. Have you talked with a doctor abour your mental and emotional health? That's the first place I would start.

Your kids are very young and homeschooling can most definitely be something that you revist again, so don't think it's all over. But maybe this is a season in your life where you need to get well and you and your dh need to work through marital issues. I have plenty of friends who have had to take sabbaticals from homeschooling for a variety of issues, and very often they come back to it.

Keep first things first right now--get some help for yourself and your marriage.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Arcadia]

I'll worry about PPD first. Your baby is a year old and PPD can last more than a year.
After your mental health is better, then discuss about bringing the older kids home. It's hard to see things unemotionally while battling depression.

[AimeeM]

Why is this your DH's sole decision? I'd be looking for a counselor and a divorce attorney if mine tried anything this  dumb.

And in the event of a divorce, more than likely the children would be ordered to attend public school regardless - so what does that help?

 

With that said, I do not feel that her husband made the decision unilaterally, or at least not unkindly; it sounds like his wife admits to being tense, frustrated, and depressed. 

[Mrs Mungo]

I definitely agree that my dh doesn't make unilateral decisions. Our relationship doesn't work that way.

 

But, I had a friend whose dh made this sort of a decision suddenly. She was depressed and unhappy. Putting the kids in school allowed her to go back to school and work on herself. She was much happier after she worked through her initial upset. He was definitely trying to help her, and it did, ultimately.

 

Maybe if you took this time to work on yourself, he would be more open to the idea? I also agree with perhaps seekingreater marriage counseling, or at least seek counseling for you to work through your depression issues.

[Joanne]

((OP))

 

I love my life and career and jobs. But I still miss homeschooling! I was fortunate to homeschool longer.

 

I encourage you to work on getting well so that if a season to homeschool returns, your family can embrace that opportunity.

[Minli]

I am amazed to see so many encouraging messages. Thank you, thank you!

 

I am doing my best to be objective but it's really hard. I can't pretend that my husband was completely against homeschooling, but he definitely found it more like something optional while to me it was a way of living. I feel I have failed both as a mother, as a teacher and as a wife. And eating a bar of chocolate in 5 minutes is useless.

We have no homeschooling families around (actually homeschooling is not quite legal so co-ops are out of the question) and the money we earn is spent on covering only the basic needs. Counselling is quite expensive here...

 

And yes, I did my best to stay away from solving school related matters, I said it's none of my business on a very mean tone.

[BlsdMama]

I think that first you need to go to a doctor and talk to him about your depression and anxiety. Then I think you need to go to a marriage counselor either with or without your husband. I would be very upset if my husband unilaterally made a decision like that.

I agree, however keeping the child home would also be a unilateral decision. ;) The couple agreed on a trial. It didn't go as expected or planned as it sounds like mama experiences upset over lesson plans not going accordingly which really is just a matter of course in life.

I really think, fir the benefit of your marriage, yourself, and ask the children in the home, it would be good to get an outside point if vie on how severe the anxiety and depression issues are. (((( Hugs.))))

[speedmom4]

OP, my heart breaks for you. If I was in your position I would definitely work on the depression and my feelings about dh. I would also try to make the best out of a less than ideal situation. If your children are happy in school then that is wonderful. I would make sure that I volunteered when I could at school. I would consider after-schooling as well. Make lemonade out of lemons! That may seem a bit Pollyanna-ish but it will help.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

Elise in NC

[73349]

Please see your doctor first. Depression can affect the ability to think clearly through things that are complex.

 

A next step after that might be to see whether there's anyone who can help a few hours a week with caring for your youngest. That could give you the thinking time to sort out how to best help your kindergartner and sort things out for the future.

 

Best wishes.

[mathnerd]

I am sorry that you feel sad about this. As others have said, maybe it is a good time for you to deal with all the anxiety and unhappiness. I believe that your DH is trying to ease the burden on you because he is seeing you stressed a lot.

 

Why is this your DH's sole decision? I'd be looking for a counselor and a divorce attorney if mine tried anything this  dumb.

 

Homeschooling the kids would also be the OP's sole decision, in this case. I really think that the OP's DH is trying to help her because he can see that she is depressed.

Good luck to you. Please take care of yourself first and then worry about homeschooling.

[idnib]

Your children are very young. Please focus on getting better and perhaps you will be able to return to homeschooling in the future. It's amazing the twists and turns that can happen in life.

 

Afterschooling sounds like a wonderful option for you to take care of yourself and also work with your kids. Have you checked out the afterschooling forum?

 

Big hugs to you.

[Minli]

I've checked the afterscool forum, so glad it exists! I'll see what I can do about the depression, it seems that's the best starting point.

I am so grateful for your encouraging words!

[Tammi K]

Hi lulia. I'm glad the posts have helped you understand and feel better about your situation.  Do you mind if I add a thought? You mentioned that you have grown distant from your husband.  Would you consider that the end to homeschooling can be difficult even if the idea wasn't his. Right now it is easy to see him as the 'bad guy' because he made you quit and therefore it is his fault that you feel bad. But, stopping homeschooling might make you feel sad even if it was your decision.

 

When we moved to Australia we went as a family who had been homeschooling for years. I suggested putting the kids in school there because we wanted them to have social opportunities they would not have if we were American's homeschooling in Australia. We wanted them to be Aussie kids. The whole thing was a resounding success. My kids still identify as strongly with their Australian selves as they do their American selves.

 

But, for me, the transition was horrible.  I had the hardest time accepting the change. I was convinced that they were not getting what I could give them at home. They were not learning enough. They were not.....( feel free to fill in the blank with ant objection you can concoct. I did! :crying: )   The reality was that even though it was as much my decision to send them to school as it was DH's, I still found myself getting annoyed with him because we weren't homeschooling anymore. 

 

I missed homeschooling dreadfully and the ache and loss of my identity was a hard thing to move past. Some of your frustration and pain will lessen when you find things to fill your time and you begin to see ways in which your children are thriving. You said your daughter loves her teacher. That's a great thing! Focus on those successes.

 

When we came back to America some of my children came back home for school. Some wanted to stay in a b&m school.  It was again a new season and change happens.  Take this as your season to concentrate on yourself and you littlest. There will be other seasons to consider bringing your kids back home.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

Here is the best thing you can after school with your K student: teaching the sight words phonetically, try to keep up with the phonics as much as you can, ahead is even better.

 

I have been tutoring for 20 years and it takes much longer to undo bad habits of guessing from sight words, guided reading, and Accelerated Reader sight word based books common in most schools than it does to teach pure phonics from the beginning.

 

Here is how and why to teach the Dolch words (Fry list is basically the same words) phonetically:

 

http://www.thephonicspage.org/On%20Reading/sightwords.html

[Minli]

Elizabeth, thank you for your help, but since we're only learning English as a second language and we're using The Ordinary Parent's Guide.... phonics won't be a problem. At least I don't have to worry about that :) I have others on my mind now. I do agree though that sight reading is not the best option when learning English...

[idnib]

If you only have time/energy to do one thing for your kids after school, read aloud to them as much as you can. It makes a tremendous difference in terms of knowledge, cultural references, vocabulary, family closeness, etc. The Read Aloud Handbook is good reading for parents, and you might enjoy the Read Aloud Revival podcast.

 

And one more piece of unsolicited advice. :D  Let you kids know you're going to miss them, but don't let your feelings about the situation color their perception of school. Be enthusiastic and excited for them.

[Mimm]

And in the event of a divorce, more than likely the children would be ordered to attend public school regardless - so what does that help?

 

 

 

I actually know someone this happened to recently. The judge decided that when parents disagree, public school is the default.

 

I am amazed to see so many encouraging messages. Thank you, thank you!

 

I am doing my best to be objective but it's really hard. I can't pretend that my husband was completely against homeschooling, but he definitely found it more like something optional while to me it was a way of living. I feel I have failed both as a mother, as a teacher and as a wife. And eating a bar of chocolate in 5 minutes is useless.

We have no homeschooling families around (actually homeschooling is not quite legal so co-ops are out of the question) and the money we earn is spent on covering only the basic needs. Counselling is quite expensive here...

 

And yes, I did my best to stay away from solving school related matters, I said it's none of my business on a very mean tone.

 

If it's "not quite legal" then this seems like a no brainer. Unless the school is actually harming your child, then I would advise complying with the law, however unjust I feel such a law is. :( Also, having been a homeschooler in an area where no other homeschoolers were, I'm kind of against homeschooling in that situation. Unless efforts are made to overcome the lack of social interaction, it can be incredibly isolating.

 

Hope you feel better soon and that your children have a wonderful year.

[Lisbeth]

My suggestion would be to bring your older daughter back home, but I realize that is probably not helpful to you. I hope dh is handling ALL aspects of the ps. I'm sorry you are hurting. :(

[AmyontheFarm]

Please go see your dr.  Talk with a professional about the depression.

 

When you fly on an airplane, the flight attendant instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others.  Why is this an important rule for ensuring survival?  Because if you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask.
 
This is an important metaphor for those of you who run around taking care of everything and everyone else except yourself.

 

Once I learned how to put my own oxygen mask on, I became a different Mom.  I stopped screeching and screaming.  I was less stressed, my house was actually cleaner and my family happier.  The old adage, "if Momma ain't happy, ain't no body happy!" was true in my house.

 

Hugs

[AimeeM]

My suggestion would be to bring your older daughter back home, but I realize that is probably not helpful to you. I hope dh is handling ALL aspects of the ps. I'm sorry you are hurting. :(

I'm curious why so many see ultimate decision making, regarding children, to be the right of Mom, solely, in general. They did it "her" way for a couple of years. It's not out of line, even if she weren't suffering from depression and being overwhelmed, for dad to now want to try it "his" way. In fact, it's completely reasonable. They are just as much *his* children as they are *hers*. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm curious why so many see ultimate decision making, regarding children, to be the right of Mom, solely, in general. They did it "her" way for a couple of years. It's not out of line, even if she weren't suffering from depression and being overwhelmed, for dad to now want to try it "his" way. In fact, it's completely reasonable. They are just as much *his* children as they are *hers*. 

I actually agree with you.  And now that she's mentioned that homeschooling isn't legal in whatever country (I assume it cannot be the US) she lives in, that adds a new wrinkle to things for me.  

[AimeeM]

I actually agree with you.  And now that she's mentioned that homeschooling isn't legal in whatever country (I assume it cannot be the US) she lives in, that adds a new wrinkle to things for me.  

Yikes. Glazed over that part. As much as I cherish my right to homeschool, there is no way in hades I would risk having my children taken away, or my family in general, serious, legal trouble in order to do so. 

[FloridaLisa]

I am amazed to see so many encouraging messages. Thank you, thank you!

 

I am doing my best to be objective but it's really hard. I can't pretend that my husband was completely against homeschooling, but he definitely found it more like something optional while to me it was a way of living. I feel I have failed both as a mother, as a teacher and as a wife. And eating a bar of chocolate in 5 minutes is useless.

We have no homeschooling families around (actually homeschooling is not quite legal so co-ops are out of the question) and the money we earn is spent on covering only the basic needs. Counselling is quite expensive here...

 

Are you international then? If homeschooling is not legal and your husband is not completely on board with it, I think you have no option but to have the children go to school.  Going to school is not the end of the world! It's understandable to grieve the time that you had with your children at home, but you still have so much influence and opportunity with them as their mom. 

 

I would take full advantage of the space your husband has given you and take care of yourself so that you are emotionally well. That would be the best gift you could give your children. I know so many amazing moms whose children go to school. 

 

And yes, I did my best to stay away from solving school related matters, I said it's none of my business on a very mean tone.

 

 

 

I don't understand this? Did you take yourself out of the school or no-school decision? 

 

Lisa

[celticmom]

I'm curious why so many see ultimate decision making, regarding children, to be the right of Mom, solely, in general. They did it "her" way for a couple of years. It's not out of line, even if she weren't suffering from depression and being overwhelmed, for dad to now want to try it "his" way. In fact, it's completely reasonable. They are just as much *his* children as they are *hers*. 

 

If I am going to be the one implementing the decision on a daily basis, then absolutely I should have more say. If the father is going to be the one getting the kids ready, packing lunches, getting kids to the bus stop or school, and fielding calls from school in the event of illness or misbehavior then he can have more say.

[AimeeM]

If I am going to be the one implementing the decision on a daily basis, then absolutely I should have more say. If the father is going to be the one getting the kids ready, packing lunches, getting kids to the bus stop or school, and fielding calls from school in the event of illness or misbehavior then he can have more say.

Really? Because you're home during the day you automatically get to override or have final say in everything regarding your children? Discipline, medical, etc? Because you're home during the time that most of those things "matter"? I guess it just bewilders me that everyone on the board is "team power" when it comes to that men, working, should have to pitch in, they're his children, too, etc.. but when it comes to actual decisions regarding the children, mom should have the final word?

[Minli]

Are you international then? If homeschooling is not legal and your husband is not completely on board with it, I think you have no option but to have the children go to school.  Going to school is not the end of the world! It's understandable to grieve the time that you had with your children at home, but you still have so much influence and opportunity with them as their mom. 

 

I would take full advantage of the space your husband has given you and take care of yourself so that you are emotionally well. That would be the best gift you could give your children. I know so many amazing moms whose children go to school. 

 

 

 

 

I don't understand this? Did you take yourself out of the school or no-school decision? 

 

Lisa

 

Lisa, I should have been clearer: I refused to deal with any documents and enrollment procedures, but I do all the rest+ help with homework if needed (my husband helps with homework too).

Homeschooling here is not legal but not illegal either :) we enrolled her in an American umbrella school for 2 years and the enrollment in our public school went smoothly.

 

After talking to you on the forum I've been trying to find a psychologist, but they have such high rates that I wonder what middle class person can afford to pay them (:. Still trying to find a solution because I still want to enjoy the life given to me :).

[AimeeM]

Lisa, I should have been clearer: I refused to deal with any documents and enrollment procedures, but I do all the rest+ help with homework if needed (my husband helps with homework too).

Homeschooling here is not legal but not illegal either :) we enrolled her in an American umbrella school for 2 years and the enrollment in our public school went smoothly.

 

After talking to you on the forum I've been trying to find a psychologist, but they have such high rates that I wonder what middle class person can afford to pay them (:. Still trying to find a solution because I still want to enjoy the life given to me :).

Your insurance should cover mental health care on some level.

[Arcadia]

After talking to you on the forum I've been trying to find a psychologist, but they have such high rates that I wonder what middle class person can afford to pay them.

Check if a referral from a general practitioner would lower the fee for a psychiatrist. Also check what medical benefits your husband's employer provide for family members.

[Joyofsixreboot]

You've received some good advice here. I'm going to send sympathy. While it was his choice, my 8 th grader has gone to PS. I miss him. He's the easy one. The fun one. The sweet one. Of course I love my girls but...he's more fun. Are there opportunities to help at your dd's school? I used to be helper mom every Friday morning. Getting involved in some way might make you feel more connected to their education.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

Your insurance should cover mental health care on some level.

 

I don't think we know anything about funding health care where the OP lives.

 

L

[LLMom]

Please feel free to visit my blog.  I have some articles about the feelings one experiences after sending your formerly homeschooled children to school and also about depression.  (see my signature for the link)  Your family can still thrive in this situation and your feelings are normal.  Take care of yourself.  Feel free to PM me.  

[FO4UR]

One angle that hasn't been discussed yet is the sort of expectations put upon a homeschool day. If you were expected to reproduce the Sonlight Catalogue Cover (idealistic, no one ever whines, babies always smile, mom is always perfectly neat/stirring dinner while discussing Great Ideas, no problems, perfection), then OF COURSE you will never meet those expectations. NO ONE ever does. It's a fantasy. Please don't beat yourself up b/c you are a REAL person with REAL children who feel sick, whine, have sloppy handwriting, don't remember their math facts and have grass stains on their knees.

 

If your depression/anxiety is due to unrealistic expectations, call it out like it is.

 

The B&M school will not be idealistic either. Different school. Different problems.

 

 

That said, I agree with taking care of yourself and pushing dh into the role of care-taking the school stuff...NOT b/c of any passive-aggressive nonsense, but b/c if he's going to make these decisions he needs to be FULLY aware of the details.

 

 

I do think there could be a whole lot more to this. Take care of yourself. :grouphug:

[Lisbeth]

I'm curious why so many see ultimate decision making, regarding children, to be the right of Mom, solely, in general. They did it "her" way for a couple of years. It's not out of line, even if she weren't suffering from depression and being overwhelmed, for dad to now want to try it "his" way. In fact, it's completely reasonable. They are just as much *his* children as they are *hers*.

 

I see your point, but a lot of these posts come across as " DH has spoken, and thus it is so." Or that DH's decision is the default position, unless he is convinced otherwise, like a parent. Just a vibe I get. Also, unless dh is handling the bulk of dealing with education, the mom should get more of a vote, imo. I realize tge dh in this case was helping.

Also realize that my take on these situations is colored by my opinion of institutional schools, which isn't positive.