starting to drive alone, sad dad, sad dd (our difficult evening)

[Jenny in Florida]

I seem to have offended you with my post, and I'm very sorry about that. But I have never known anyone who was that anxious behind the wheel when they were that close to home, nor have I known any teens who weren't excited to be driving on their own -- maybe a bit nervous about it, but not truly anxious. This situation is entirely new to me.

 

That's because you haven't met my daughter. She got her permit on her 15th birthday, mostly so that she could beat a friend of hers who has a birthday a few days later. She then proceeded to refuse to even get behind the wheel for over a year. Eventually, she decided to apply for an internship that required her to have a car, and so she decided to brave learning. We went out for a driving lesson every day for over a month, and she never got beyond tooling slowly down the residential streets within about a mile of our house. 

 

Well, there was the one day when she accidentally got us onto a four-lane road (two lanes in each direction) and had to stop and breathe and cry for a minute after she managed to turn the corner and pull over. Even in the block she was on that road, she nearly ran into two other cars changing lanes.

 

When she didn't get the internship (and we have no way of knowing whether the fact that she hadn't yet gotten her licence played into that outcome), she decided to drop even trying to learn. 

 

Over the next two years, I tried repeatedly to coax her back behind the wheel, but she prefer to adjust her lifestyle to make driving unnecessary.

 

She is, in every other way, an extremely bright and capable young woman, but she does have some challenges with anxiety. She copes better as she gets older, but driving is simply more than she can handle. 

 

For what it's worth: My son does not have his license. He was excited to get his permit and has done some practice, but then kind of lost interest. He is the youngest is his group of friends, all of whom are 17 or 19 now, and none of them were especially excited about driving. The one who has a permit got it only because his parents insisted. The one who has a license got it only because his parents were moving out of town and allowing him to stay with an older sibling and making sure the teen had transportation was a condition of allowing the arrangement. Most of the others don't even have permits, to my knowledge.

[Chris in VA]

I can't even use a GPS to find my way.

 

GPS: "Turn here"

Me: "Where, right here or just up a bit?"

GPS: "Recalculating..."

 

:lol:

 

Seriously, though, I have family members who hate to drive. Some of it is automatic processing delay/disorder, some of it is Aspie-ness, and some is anxiety. The one most affected learned by doing. Small trips done over and over, gradually lengthening the time and distance, built confidence and more surety in driving. For me, I learned to drive when we moved here in Seminary. It was trial by fire, or more correctly, "trial by I95!"

I empathize with your dd.

 

I would not have jumped in the car like your dh did, honestly. I'd have given it at least 30 minutes and kept trying to call. THEN I'd have been out there. But, maybe he wanted to get her before she got too far away. So I do understand.

 

AFA turning off the phone, she did it in an upset way--in a huff, sort of. So I think that was wrong. But I'm glad she didn't keep it on and answer it while driving!

 

Hope it all blows over. I'd encourage you to continue making her take small trips, though. :grouphug:

[regentrude]

Dad should not have yelled, but I have to agree with him that she should not be made to drive at night unless she wants to. Not at age 16/17. I would not let a teen drive who was not fully comfortable with it - that's simply not safe.

 

Your DD needs to keep her phone on when she is driving. This should be a hard rule. She should not use it while driving, but you need to be able to reach her. Calling home, stating an emergency situation  and then switching off the phone must have caused you parent a huge degree of anxiety. I understand that her dad was very upset. At 16, she should be able to understand that, too.

 

I suggest:

1. she should have bluetooth in her car so that she can talk hands free and pick up when you call her

2. you should get her a GPS

3. she should carry a map and know how to use one. Getting lost is normal - but she needs a more effective strategy to find her location.

[unsinkable]

I would have been very upset if my child turned off her phone and made herself unreachable, especially after calling me crying and stating she was unable to drive home.

 

I totally disagree that turning off the phone IN THAT SITUATION was the correct thing to do. It would not be what I would have expected her to do, so I would have imagined the worst...an accident.

 

Maybe your DD could car pool for a few more months? Or even a cab?

[5of5]

Oh, I'm sure it happens. But I can only speak for friends and family, and those kids have always seemed pretty excited about picking out their cars when they started driving. I don't know any teenagers who didn't get their licenses "on schedule," but I'm sure there are some of them out there! :)

 

I know a lot.  Of course, as a PP said, the teens I know aren't picking out their own cars either.

[Zebra]

Yeah, I'll join you in Catwoman's car.  My guess is that the OP's husband perceived her daughter's actions as a tantrum; daughter turned the phone off because she was angry that no one hopped up and came to get her when she beckoned.  Not saying that's how she meant it, but one of mine would have done that meaning, "Hey, I'll show you and not answer my phone," and I would have blown a gasket like OP's husband did.  

There is no reasonable excuse for calling your parents, then turning off the phone and reading.   Not one, except making up the excuse later when you realized what you did.   Sorry, I really think your dd was being passive aggressive.  

 

[QueenCat]

I would have been very upset if my child turned off her phone and made herself unreachable, especially after calling me crying and stating she was unable to drive home.

 

I totally disagree that turning off the phone IN THAT SITUATION was the correct thing to do. It would not be what I would have expected her to do, so I would have imagined the worst...an accident.

 

Maybe your DD could car pool for a few more months? Or even a cab?

 

I think she should have left it on UNTIL she started driving.......... but then, that has  more to do with our own rules in our family. We believe the phone to be an extreme distraction to young drivers.

[Catwoman]

I can't even use a GPS to find my way.

 

GPS: "Turn here"

Me: "Where, right here or just up a bit?"

GPS: "Recalculating..."

 

:lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

"Recalculating" is a big reason why I don't carry a sledgehammer in the car with me. Too much temptation.

 

That, and "make a u-turn, if possible." But it's never possible!!!

[regentrude]

I would have been very upset if my child turned off her phone and made herself unreachable, especially after calling me crying and stating she was unable to drive home.

I totally disagree that turning off the phone IN THAT SITUATION was the correct thing to do. It would not be what I would have expected her to do, so I would have imagined the worst...an accident.

 

or worse!

 

Teen girl calls home, cries that she is lost, scared, gives a location.

Parent calls back repeatedly and receives no response.

Parent arrives at location to find girl and car missing.

 

Some people would have called the police right there and then.

 

The kid can't freak out her parents like this.

[CyndiLJ]

It is sad to me how quickly folks tend to jump to judgment of others' behaviors, enough so that they have to question the OP who is just looking for some reassurance, and perhaps suggestions.  Wish we all could be a bit kinder in our responses...snark comes out and conversations deteriorate.  

 

I have four teens all essentially the same age.  None of them is interested at all in getting behind the wheel quite yet.  That tells me they are not ready for it, but some kids are kind of ready but scared.  I learned to drive near L.A. ..and though I did quite well most of the time, and am NOT directionally challenged, there were moments that simply threw me for a loop.  Those often tended to be when traffic was blocked, detours were in place, or something out of the ordinary happened where split second thinking had to get me changing lanes to prepare or I'd miss turns or exits.  I was not a fearful driver, but the out of the ordinary would catch me off guard, then I would lack confidence for a bit.

 

Sometimes we forget that what we view as "normal circumstances" is NOT normal for others.  Our kids will be learning to drive in rural Colorado, where traffic is incredibly light, but snow and ice can kill.  Different fears, different challenges than what I grew up learning to drive in.  Same thing on this list, some of us have kids learning to drive in far different circumstances and environments than others, and close calls for new drivers can cause some to lose confidence quickly.

 

I agree a GPS might provide the back up that could prove helpful, and maybe a conversation about panicked calls and turning off cell phones could eliminate this sort of problem in the future.  Kids are doing things for the first time, and their reactions are not always going to be "mature".  Uh...did we forget?  If they were fully mature beings, we wouldn't need to be parenting them!!

 

Heck...sometimes I definitely need to still be parented, based upon "maturity"!! LOL!

[unsinkable]

or worse!

 

Teen girl calls home, cries that she is lost, scared, gives a location.

Parent calls back repeatedly and receives no response.

Parent arrives at location to find girl and car missing.

 

Some people would have called the police right there and then.

 

The kid can't freak out her parents like this.

I actually thought of worse but I didn't want to be mocked for over reacting. ( Ted Bundy and Jame Gumb popped into my mind...)

[Alice]

 

 

Sometimes we forget that what we view as "normal circumstances" is NOT normal for others.  Our kids will be learning to drive in rural Colorado, where traffic is incredibly light, but snow and ice can kill.  Different fears, different challenges than what I grew up learning to drive in.  Same thing on this list, some of us have kids learning to drive in far different circumstances and environments than others, and close calls for new drivers can cause some to lose confidence quickly.

 

 

 

We live in Northern Virginia. When my oldest niece was learning to drive she was driving at night with her Dad in her neighborhood on a small one-way street. Suddenly a bunch of official men men in dark suits jumped out of a car and ordered her to stop and turn around immediately. She couldn't turn around because it had recently snowed and there was snowdrifts on each side of the car and she wasn't comfortable yet with backing out to reverse down the street. She panicked and froze. The men kept ordering her to turn around. Finally her Dad slowly opened the window and called out that they had a teen driver and could they please switch drivers so he could back the car down the street. They said ok, they switched and all was good. 

 

The Vice-President (at that time) was visiting his daughter who lived at a house on that street and he was about to be walked to his car and the men were Secret Service agents. Now she laughs about it (she is in her late 20s) but at the time she was so freaked out she didn't drive again for months. Now she chalks it up to an "only in NoVa moment". 

[bolt.]

I don't think the teen did anything wrong -- though perhaps the "best" plan would have included leaving her phone on, her plan was workable and sensible.

 

I think being shouted at for successfully solving her own problem probably made this event far more terrible than it needed to be. It could have been spun as a success and confidence builder if it wasn't catastrophized by her dad.

 

However, parents do have emotions and we all do get shouty at just the wrong time sometimes. It's not a big deal, and a basic apology should clear it up.

 

After that, proceed with building confidence and skills. And, perhaps, get some pro advice for dealing with strong upset... Though, I think picking up a book is one if those techniques anyways, so she goes have at least one workable strategy.

[Guest submarines]

:smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: It is me as well.

I can't even use a GPS to find my way.

 

GPS: "Turn here"

Me: "Where, right here or just up a bit?"

GPS: "Recalculating..."

 

:lol:

 

 

 

 

 

[Liz CA]

I would like to "like" bolt's post 10 times over but I could like it only once. :)  :thumbup:

[Allearia]

I was like this once. This is what I would do:

 

Lots more practice driving with parents. At night, especially. Does she wear glasses? Are the windows clean and not scratched up so she can see clearly?

 

Driving different routes. If she is not used to the busy highway, turning left might be really scary. Are there traffic lights? Can she practice routes that require only right turns, go through a quieter area, or only go through traffic light intersections? If she has to turn left with no left turn light, lots of practice going out in traffic and figuring out how to turn. Drive through several different routes, it is always possible for road work or an accident to block the familiar way home. And not worrying about going a bit of a longer way if she feels more confident.

 

Feeling secure that she can pull over and get help. Hopefully for a while someone can be available to help her, although that won't be practical until she is ready to go farther than two miles away. Definitely not turning off the phone, she can text that she is safely parked and waiting to calm down. Hopefully she can find safe placed to park that is well lit and near a store or gas station that is open and has customers coming regularly. Also this should be a short term solution. If it might be a while until someone can help or walk her through it, find a cafe or bookstore I don't know how well populated your area is so this might not be practical.

 

Get a GPS.

 

All these things, while they seem silly to many people, are not trivial to an anxious driver, and when multiple factors pile up can be paralyzing. I used to be like that, and it took getting a very reliable car with a gps to do that. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area now and have no problem driving anywhere, city, freeway, etc. Some reassurance that it won't always be that hard for her can help, as well as knowing she is not the only one feeling this way. What not to do is to have her stop driving, unless it becomes clear that it is too anxiety producing, at which point some help for the anxiety should be looked for. It made it harder for me that I was still very nervous when I went to college in Berkeley, and I think driving more in a lot of situations with my parents would have helped.

 

ETA: Changing lanes is also a big thing. Get in the lane she will need early. Learn what to do if she can't change lanes soon enough and goes past the exit or the turn she needs. On a freeway, learn how to find the entrance to go the opposite way if she exits at the wrong spot or at an exit further than she intended.

[Supertechmom]

Don't have anything to add other than I agree with Catwoman and your hubby.   Sending out the panicked SOS and then going AWOL is not cool.  Her strategies to deal with stress I might applaud had she not sent out the SOS. So i don't have anything that advances the conversation other than I don't think what she did was anything to congratulate her about  as I view it as more of a passive aggressive manipulation moment for your daughter and that maybe this was the "straw that broke the camel's back" moment for your husband.   You do not call for help, turn off your phone, read a book and then find another route home WITHOUT notifying the original people called.  You just don't.   Since you want her to drive and she seems to not want to, then ballet would be cancelled until she felt she could drive in a 2 mile circle without getting lost and freaking out over a common traffic issue.  Maybe not what everyone else here would do but that's what would happen here. And she would be upgraded to the family chauffeur for the next few months.  If you are uncomfortable about driving, it would become your job until you were.

[bzymom]

:grouphug:  Long night!  

 

I have 2 new drivers, my 2 youngest.  Ds is 19, got his license this last year, dd 16 just got her permit.  I have told my kids from early on that there is no magic number for driving in this house.  You do it when I decide you are ready.  

 

Every single teen is different, as is every new driving experience.  I have friends living in towns where their driving will be almost exclusively on local roads, light to medium traffic flow.  You cannot travel anywhere from my house without getting on a highway, heavily traveled, high speed.  It is a big deal.

 

I understand your husband losing his mind when he couldn't reach her.  It is scary to have your girl out there, and to receive a call like that and then be unable to reach her.  I hope now that he has had a chance to collect himself he can apologize and give your dd a little insight into how love combined with fear can look like anger.

 

Perhaps dd needs more practice during daylight hours, with and without a parent.  You can create scenarios for her to think through, i.e. what could you do if this road was closed and you needed to detour, how to respond to bad weather, etc.  Print out a local map, hang it up and let her study it, tracing routes to different destinations.  And I agree, a GPS could be helpful if for no other reason than it can provide confidence that she can find her way out in a pinch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Murphy101]

There is no reasonable excuse for calling your parents, then turning off the phone and reading. Not one, except making up the excuse later when you realized what you did. Sorry, I really think your dd was being passive aggressive.

 

I tend to agree. I can understand how she needed to take a breather before chatting with them about the problem. But it doesn't take much effort to text or answer the phone and simple say, "I'm fine. I'm going to calm down and call you back in a few minutes."

 

You don't call hysterical for help and then turn off your phone.

 

Even if she was driving this makes no sense.

 

I never turn my phone off in the van. Doesn't mean I have to answer it while driving.

 

My kid would probably get chewed out too. And then they wouldn't do that anymore. Problem solved. People get angry at each other. People do foolishly inconsiderate things bc they aren't considering others. It happens. Then we learn and move on.

[sassenach]

I have a 17yo driver that just got into her first car accident. My sympathies!

 

#1 I think a person needs a certain level of confidence to be a safe driver. Honestly, your dd does not sound ready to drive solo (and I don't think getting lost is the evidence of this- I think her reaction is). I would back things up and continue to build her skills and confidence with you or dh as passengers. I know it's inconvenient, but I believe it might be the wisest choice.

 

#2- If dh is sorry and has said so, time to move on. It was a major over reaction, but I'm not sure there's anything to do about that now, but for him to apologize and move on.

 

#3- We GPSed dd's car and it was an excellent decision. It gives us all peace of mind.

[hornblower]

so - speaking of GPS, are there models you can buy which you can monitor remotely from a website or something? So you can see where your car is?
 

[lynn]

Things look so different at night and I get very nervous driving at night and I have lived in the same general area for years.  My suggestion, have dd look at a map of your general area and see how roads connect back to each other and give visuals such as dentist office in on the corner of yada ave, the McDonalds is on the left just before before yada Rd  If you see the interstate you are going towards XYZ city heading east.   We live W of the walmart etc.   I had to do this with my second ds he'd get so turned around.

[Lolly]

On the GPS, it may not have helped. With ours, if you deviate from your route, it usually just sends you right back to it. So, if she had started taking the detour, the GPS would have just sent her back to the closed road. That can be extremely frustrating; btdt. 

 

I think all were fine. Dh can apologize. Dd can agree to call next time and let you know she is leaving the lot. But, I get needing her to drive. I think it isn't a bad thing. She will become more confident with practice. There is no way you can predict some stuff like closed roads and detours. Try to keep plenty of gas in the car, so getting lost isn't too overwhelming. Nothing like not knowing where you are and being almost on E. As parents, you will learn to chill a little when they are out and about. Even after they call and have been in a wreck. You and dh just have to somehow remember that your panicking isn't ever going to help anything. Not that you have all that much control over it; just like she doesn't have over her anxiety at times. Somehow, it all becomes more routine over time. 

[fairfarmhand]

I think GPS can be a great tool if someone is directionally challenged.  I actually think your response of calling your dad and allowing him to walk you through it was a MUCH more positive response to a situation like this than hanging up and becoming suddenly unreachable.  I think the dd owes an apology at least as much as the dad.

 

Anyway, not picking on anyone in particular, but I always get a bit twitchy when people suggest totally backing down on someone in their late teens on a often necessary life skill toward independence.  I don't love driving, I let my DH do it when he's around.  But I still drive quite a bit considering I live in an urban center.  I don't relish mowing the lawn or trimming my toenails either, but some things just need to be learned and done regularly. 

 

What are her post high school plans?  Is she a junior this year?  Mass transit is a great idea to learn too if that's an option.  I would be taking her back to mom's driving school for a time and talk about a timeline and plan to get her more independent.  I might even schedule time for her to drive daily with you.  I would consider dropping activities for a kid this age unable to at least put forth some effort on their own transport.  That could be biking, could be driving, could be setting up a car pool, could be bus, etc.  I think young adults lives can be greatly limited if they're not taught some of these independence skills.   A huge percentage of college freshman drop out because they're not ready to stand on their own 2 feet. 

 

Again - I am someone who has had anxiety and did struggle a bit to launch.  I think my parents did me a HUGE service by having me get up on the horse again and again.  And not just with regards to driving, but in terms of learning general independence skills. 

 

:grouphug: Hugs momma.  My more anxious kid is 10, and I''m really having to think differently about her than my oldest who has always been pretty laid back and independent.  She is actually quite a bit like me.  :/  ETA - most people I know do not get their kids cars at 16 unless they NEED them to have one as a family

 

My parents did not push me to learn these basic adulthood skills. My dh still holds a grudge that HE had to teach me how to navigate, drive in unfamiliar places, and do other things that my parents did not nudge me to do.

 

I had huge amounts of anxiety about such things when I was an inexperienced driver, but I had no recourse but to deal with them. The more I dealt with them, the better I got at it. Confidence builds on confidence.

 

[NorthwestMom]

On the GPS, it may not have helped. With ours, if you deviate from your route, it usually just sends you right back to it. So, if she had started taking the detour, the GPS would have just sent her back to the closed road. That can be extremely frustrating; btdt. 

 

 

 

Whenever I have to deviate from GPS instructions, due to my error, road closure, or whatever, my GPS continuously berates me, "RETURN TO THE ROUTE! RETURN TO THE ROUTE!"   :001_rolleyes:

[Joanne]

No, I can't relate.

 

Perhaps it's because where we live, teenagers learn to drive on multi-lane highways and there is almost always heavy traffic. And the idea of being in the opposite direction of home doesn't seem like it would be a big deal because she was still only a few miles away. Doesn't she know the streets in your area well enough to find an alternate route home? If not, I think it's something she needs to work on.

 

Frankly, I would be concerned about her anxiety level, as her reaction to the situation does not sound at all typical to me. If she truly gets so flustered about a minor detour that she needs to pull off the road for a while to calm down, I would question whether or not she was mature enough to be driving alone yet. She may need more time to develop her confidence.

 

I do applaud her for realizing she needed to calm herself down, and that she knew she was too nervous to be driving. I don't understand the "panic mode" or turning off her phone. I can certainly relate to your dh's reaction -- she was panicky and then she didn't answer her phone. Of course he assumed the worst, and when he couldn't find her, he went into panic mode, too.

 

I seem to have offended you with my post, and I'm very sorry about that. But I have never known anyone who was that anxious behind the wheel when they were that close to home, nor have I known any teens who weren't excited to be driving on their own -- maybe a bit nervous about it, but not truly anxious. This situation is entirely new to me.

 

That IS the nature of anxiety; it does not need a reason. Saying that she shouldn't feel that way because she was so close to home is just like saying a tumor needs a reason - beyond the cancer - to grow. Cancer causes tumorous growth.

A brain plagued with anxiety does just that; has anxiety.

[Catwoman]

That IS the nature of anxiety; it does not need a reason. Saying that she shouldn't feel that way because she was so close to home is just like saying a tumor needs a reason - beyond the cancer - to grow. Cancer causes tumorous growth.

A brain plagued with anxiety does just that; has anxiety.

Yes, and if that is the case, she shouldn't be driving alone until she is able to effectively deal with that anxiety.

[bolt.]

She seems to have effectively dealt with her anxiety. (She just neglected to be considerate of the feelings of other people while she was dealing with it.)

[Guest submarines]

Whenever I have to deviate from GPS instructions, due to my error, road closure, or whatever, my GPS continuously berates me, "RETURN TO THE ROUTE! RETURN TO THE ROUTE!"   :001_rolleyes:

 

Hm, that's strange. My GPS just adjust its (sorry, his) plans and patiently guides me to my destination via the shortest route available. I've never heard "return to the route" from my GPS, and I deviate from my routes a lot.

[Catwoman]

She seems to have effectively dealt with her anxiety. (She just neglected to be considerate of the feelings of other people while she was dealing with it.)

I don't see it that way at all.

 

She was 2 miles away from home and had to make a little detour. She got so panicked about it that she had to pull into a parking lot and sit there and read until she could calm herself down.

 

She wasn't in an accident. She wasn't being chased by a stalker. She simply had to take a detour in an area right near her home. Yet, she became so upset over it that she was in tears. She was too upset to even leave her phone turned on so she could talk it out with her parents.

 

In my mind, that indicates an unreasonable level of anxiety for what is an everyday or common occurrence for just about anyone who drives a car.

 

Please don't think I'm unsympathetic. The poor girl was a nervous wreck, and it's awful to feel panicky and scared. But I don't think she handled the situation adequately, and I don't think she should be driving alone until she is able to deal with common little things like a brief detour a few miles away from home.

[katilac]

Hm, that's strange. My GPS just adjust its (sorry, his) plans and patiently guides me to my destination via the shortest route available. I've never heard "return to the route" from my GPS, and I deviate from my routes a lot.

 

For anyone who has this (bossy) style of GPS, I'll repeat my recommendation for the Waze app. I'm sure there are others, but that's the one I'm familiar with. 

 

It adjusts to changes easily, and takes real time stuff into account - accidents, construction, and so on. It's easy to get alternate routes, and you can preview the steps. Audio available, so no need to stare at a screen. 

[Scarlett]

No, I can't relate.

 

Perhaps it's because where we live, teenagers learn to drive on multi-lane highways and there is almost always heavy traffic. And the idea of being in the opposite direction of home doesn't seem like it would be a big deal because she was still only a few miles away. Doesn't she know the streets in your area well enough to find an alternate route home? If not, I think it's something she needs to work on.

 

Frankly, I would be concerned about her anxiety level, as her reaction to the situation does not sound at all typical to me. If she truly gets so flustered about a minor detour that she needs to pull off the road for a while to calm down, I would question whether or not she was mature enough to be driving alone yet. She may need more time to develop her confidence.

 

I do applaud her for realizing she needed to calm herself down, and that she knew she was too nervous to be driving. I don't understand the "panic mode" or turning off her phone. I can certainly relate to your dh's reaction -- she was panicky and then she didn't answer her phone. Of course he assumed the worst, and when he couldn't find her, he went into panic mode, too.

 

I seem to have offended you with my post, and I'm very sorry about that. But I have never known anyone who was that anxious behind the wheel when they were that close to home, nor have I known any teens who weren't excited to be driving on their own -- maybe a bit nervous about it, but not truly anxious. This situation is entirely new to me.

I find it perplexing too.....that two miles from home she could become that lost, flustered and upset. I can absolutely relate to your dh's anger/fear when he could find her and his outburst when he discovered she had turned off her phone. I would be livid...LIVID...if my son turned off his phone in that situation.

 

My son is 14 and I often talk to him about where we are, where we are going, oh see this is the street we always turn on but coming from a different direction.....today I actually asked him ( 20 miles from home). Point to where our house is. He was dead on. But then he spaces put and is clueless about what town we are in for errands or things like that. I can't abide by that and I am currently working on making him pay attention to where towns are in relation to each other.

 

I have an excellent sense of direction. I can't handle being lost.

[katilac]

Show this to dd: 

 

http://imgur.com/7bho9

[texasmama]

Folks with a good sense of direction will never understand this.  Those of us who were not blessed by this understand.

 

I no longer meltdown and cry when lost, but this happened more than a few times in my early driving days/months/years.

 

Don't you directional folks try to gaslight those of us with real problems in this area now.

 

OP's dd should not have turned off her phone, agreed.  But she was overwhelmed with emotions which were not under her immediate control, and she pulled off the road to calm herself down.  Sounds like a good move to me.  When I was 16, I became flustered a block from my house and had two wrecks in the span of five minutes.  You cannot make this stuff up.  OP's dd obviously needs more practice driving under many different conditions.

 

Make fun all you want.  I still cannot find my way out of a paper bag, but this has not held me back in life overall, just wasted some time and gas.  I will frequently go the wrong way multiple times because it all looks familiar, even the wrong way.  Even when I have been to the place multiple times.

 

(Yes, I know that no one is making fun of me or anyone else.  No, I'm not angry.)

[Scarlett]

Folks with a good sense of direction will never understand this. Those of us who were not blessed by this understand.

 

I no longer meltdown and cry when lost, but this happened more than a few times in my early driving days/months/years.

 

Don't you directional folks try to gaslight those of us with real problems in this area now.

 

OP's dd should not have turned off her phone, agreed. But she was overwhelmed with emotions which were not under her immediate control, and she pulled off the road to calm herself down. Sounds like a good move to me. When I was 16, I became flustered a block from my house and had two wrecks in the span of five minutes. You cannot make this stuff up. OP's dd obviously needs more practice driving under many different conditions.

 

Make fun all you want. I still cannot find my way out of a paper bag, but this has not held me back in life overall, just wasted some time and gas. I will frequently go the wrong way multiple times because it all looks familiar, even the wrong way. Even when I have been to the place multiple times.

 

(Yes, I know that no one is making fun of me or anyone else. No, I'm not angry.)

I would have to do something drastic in such a situation. When I first moved out at age 17...to the big city....( going from Rural town of 5000 to city of 80000) I drove ALL around the city night after night until it made sense to me. One time I took the loop around the city 3 times in one night until all of the exits made sense in my brain.

 

I now live near a new even bigger city. Just today coming home from that city I took a different route than normal and missed two exits I intended to take...but got a few things cleared up in my brain.

[texasmama]

I would have to do something drastic in such a situation. When I first moved out at age 17...to the big city....( going from Rural town of 5000 to city of 80000) I drove ALL around the city night after night until it made sense to me. One time I took the loop around the city 3 times in one night until all of the exits made sense in my brain.

 

I now live near a new even bigger city. Just today coming home from that city I took a different route than normal and missed two exits I intended to take...but got a few things cleared up in my brain.

What drastic thing would you do?

 

I got a Mapsco (because there was no GPS back then) and immediately upon college graduation ironically got a job which required me to go to unfamiliar addresses using a map.  I got better, and my confidence grew, but ex-dh drove me to the grad school campus the day before I started so I would feel comfortable with doing it myself. 

 

When I lived in MD, I went the wrong way on the freeway and went to DC instead of Northern Va.  But wait, there's more.  Once I had a job in which I had to travel with a team, and for some stupid reason three other people with masters degrees allowed ME to drive.  Instead of making it to Houston for our flight, we drove to Louisiana.  You cannot make this stuff up, I tell you.  It is very hard to be me, can you people not see that?

 

ETA:  Driving around and around a highway loop would probably not help me terribly much.  I would not retain it.

 

I am not stupid, just directionally challenged.  And I guess you can all make fun of me because my dh certainly does!

[Tangerine]

For anyone who has this (bossy) style of GPS, I'll repeat my recommendation for the Waze app. I'm sure there are others, but that's the one I'm familiar with.

 

It adjusts to changes easily, and takes real time stuff into account - accidents, construction, and so on. It's easy to get alternate routes, and you can preview the steps. Audio available, so no need to stare at a screen.

Waze is an incredible app. Better than google maps, certainly better than apple maps, and better than the Garmin I used to have.

[sassenach]

By GPS, I didn't mean a navigator, I meant a device that tells you where her car is. You can set up geo fences and you'll get a text when she enters or leaves that fence. When dd first started driving, it was very reassuring to get a text that she arrived at school.

 

It can also tell you things like when the car breaks the speed limit, which we haven't needed for dd, but I imagine would be helpful with other kids.

[Luanne]

My daughter is almost 26.  She has major anxiety issues.  She says she isn't ready to drive yet.  As much as it would make my life more convenient if she would drive, I'm not going to press the issue.  I don't know if that is your daughters situation or not, but it sounds like she needs to take things slower on becoming more independent.  I would hope that you and your dh have her well-being in mind more than what is convenient for you.

[hornblower]

Sassenach - that sounds like the thing I'm looking for! Is it an app or a device & what is it called?

[Amber in SJ]

At our house learning to drive is a life skill just like any other.  I have a different perspective because I was not "encouraged" to drive at 16 so I did not get my license and now that I am 44, I still do not have a license.  I have tried, taken lessons for anxious adults, taken lessons from friends taken the test multiple times.  Driving throws me into a panic attack.  Because of this I have felt limited.  College had to be chosen in a place where I could walk, ride a bike or take public transportation.  Employment has been chosen the same way.  As a mom I have felt limited due to my inability to drive.  Activities have to be chosen due to proximity.  We have walked miles in the rain to get to activities.  Classes can take more than an hour on public transportation, each way! 

 

I will not allow my children to be limited in their choices.  I don't care if they never drive once after they leave my home, but they will have a license.

 

DD #1 was a little anxious but after instruction and practice she managed to get her license.

 

DD #2 is a mini-me in this aspect.  She went through 2 permits (1 year, 3 chances) and 4 behind the wheel tests before passing just 2 weeks ago.  She wanted to quit, but we made her keep trying.  We didn't tie her to the car & force her to drive.  Dh just got in the passenger seat every time she needed to go somewhere, which was multiple times a day.   This dd has a GPS. 

 

Here in California there are laws about cell phones & driving so I would not expect her to have her phone on while she was making her way home; however anyone sits in the car to calm down and doesn't answer their phone or text from me or dh, does not have a phone to use.  If my dd needed to turn off the phone to clam down I would expect her to let me know that is what she is doing. 

 

:grouphug:  to the OP and her DH.  There is nothing like that panicked call and then radio silence to get the adrenaline flowing.

 

Amber in SJ

 

[Liz CA]

What drastic thing would you do?

 

I got a Mapsco (because there was no GPS back then) and immediately upon college graduation ironically got a job which required me to go to unfamiliar addresses using a map.  I got better, and my confidence grew, but ex-dh drove me to the grad school campus the day before I started so I would feel comfortable with doing it myself. 

 

When I lived in MD, I went the wrong way on the freeway and went to DC instead of Northern Va.  But wait, there's more.  Once I had a job in which I had to travel with a team, and for some stupid reason three other people with masters degrees allowed ME to drive.  Instead of making it to Houston for our flight, we drove to Louisiana.  You cannot make this stuff up, I tell you.  It is very hard to be me, can you people not see that?

 

ETA:  Driving around and around a highway loop would probably not help me terribly much.  I would not retain it.

 

I am not stupid, just directionally challenged.  And I guess you can all make fun of me because my dh certainly does!

 

:lol:  I am directionally challenged too...but I have been able to learn over the years. I now know where East, West, North and South is when I am driving. (I always knew where it is on the map just not when I was out and about). When we first moved back to CA, dh would crack up because I got so lost in that town. He suggested I tie a sturdy rope to the front door and let it out as I moved farther away so I could find home again.  :lol:

[Trish]

"Needing" her to drive is going to cause an accident unless and until she develops more...road maturity, I guess I'd call it. Or just good old fashioned driving experience.

 

I think she should be treated as a driver who still has a permit until she can gain a level of confidence where panic won't ensue in a situation like this.

 

The fact that she has a license is a red herring. Treat it as a full stop.

[texasmama]

:lol:  I am directionally challenged too...but I have been able to learn over the years. I now know where East, West, North and South is when I am driving. (I always knew where it is on the map just not when I was out and about). When we first moved back to CA, dh would crack up because I got so lost in that town. He suggested I tie a sturdy rope to the front door and let it out as I moved farther away so I could find home again.  :lol:

Ooh, I know N,S,E, and W, as well.  Go me!  :D  I've made definite improvements, and I no longer panic.  I am living in/near the city I grew up in so I can pretty much get myself around any obstacle like closed roads.  (Did that just today, in fact, due to an accident.)  Progress.

 

lol at your dh.  (goes off to buy a sturdy rope...)

[Annie G]

I don't see it that way at all.

 

She was 2 miles away from home and had to make a little detour. She got so panicked about it that she had to pull into a parking lot and sit there and read until she could calm herself down.

 

She wasn't in an accident. She wasn't being chased by a stalker. She simply had to take a detour in an area right near her home. Yet, she became so upset over it that she was in tears. She was too upset to even leave her phone turned on so she could talk it out with her parents.

 

In my mind, that indicates an unreasonable level of anxiety for what is an everyday or common occurrence for just about anyone who drives a car.

 

Please don't think I'm unsympathetic. The poor girl was a nervous wreck, and it's awful to feel panicky and scared. But I don't think she handled the situation adequately, and I don't think she should be driving alone until she is able to deal with common little things like a brief detour a few miles away from home.

She used a coping strategy to calm herself so she could deal with the situation. It does seem odd to pick up a book and read, but it's a way she calms herself.  Good for her to have a calming strategy- now she has to fine tune it so she doesn't panic her parents when she needs to employ it. 

 

She became upset over something that almost everyone else would just shrug off.  That's anxiety. It rears its ugly head in situations that often even surprise the person with the anxiety. They know the anxiety is unwarranted but that's not enough to turn off the anxiety.  Something that caused no anxiety before can suddenly be a problem. And things that once were a problem can suddenly be no big deal. The very next time she finds herself in an unknown location, she might handle it just fine. Hard to say. 

 

She handled it ok as far as safety is concerned- she pulled over. Yeah, she should have kept her phone on and not driven away if she thought her folks were coming to get her. But she wasn't out in traffic paralyzed.  That's a good start. She has a coping strategy, she is a good enough driver that she passed the test. 

 

I'm not trying to be difficult. It's hard for people who don't have to deal with anxiety to understand just how unpredictable and debilitating it can be.  But life has to go on, and forging ahead with school, work, driving, relationships, and other daily tasks just can't be halted while a person learns coping strategies.  If she is dangerous, YES. But she did ok- not great, but good enough to not consider her an unsafe driver. 

 

Dd has had anxiety issues related to school, work, driving,relationships, auditioning for shows, etc. But she WANTS to do these things and that's how a person conquers the anxiety- by learning how to cope with it and seeing that they CAN face these challenges successfully.   

 

I really hope the OP's dd is just a new driver who needs some experience driving independently to gain some confidence. I'm not suggesting she has an anxiety disorder. I'm just elaborating to explain that people with anxiety disorders often function very well 95% of the time and yet that 5% can really wreck a day.  

[bolt.]

I don't see it that way at all.

 

She was 2 miles away from home and had to make a little detour. She got so panicked about it that she had to pull into a parking lot and sit there and read until she could calm herself down.

 

She wasn't in an accident. She wasn't being chased by a stalker. She simply had to take a detour in an area right near her home. Yet, she became so upset over it that she was in tears. She was too upset to even leave her phone turned on so she could talk it out with her parents.

 

In my mind, that indicates an unreasonable level of anxiety for what is an everyday or common occurrence for just about anyone who drives a car.

 

Please don't think I'm unsympathetic. The poor girl was a nervous wreck, and it's awful to feel panicky and scared. But I don't think she handled the situation adequately, and I don't think she should be driving alone until she is able to deal with common little things like a brief detour a few miles away from home.

I don't understand your response.

 

All I said was that she dealt well with her anxiety.

 

You seem to be saying that clearly she did not deal well with her anxiety because she had no "approved reason" to be anxious. That's not logical at all.

 

When you panic as a driver, the best thing to do is safely pull over, calm down by whatever means work for you, make a plan, and execute it. That's what she did. Therefore she did a good job,

 

Your contention that she should not have gotten upset in the first place is irrelevant. She could have gotten upset because she thought she saw a spider on her leg, because her bf said something mean, or because she is superstitious about the moon and astrology. It doesn't matter *why* she became upset. It matters that she made safe and smart decisions when she was upset.

 

If you don't believe irrational fears are a real thing, I don't know how to explain it to you. They just are. When they happen to "you" it matters what "you" choose to do about it -- especially in a vehicle.

 

(As a 25 year old new driver, I couldn't find my way out of a tight parking spot. I kept inching closer and closer to the other vehicles on every attempt. I felt trapped and confused. I pulled forward, turned the car off, had a good cry, talked myself down, took out paper and pencil, drew a diagram, figured out exactly how to steer correctly, took a deep breath, backed out smoothly, and arrived an hour late for my own birthday dinner. People are not robots, and having a cry does not make someone a nervous wreck. These things happen.)

[MomatHWTK]

Your DH probably thought something had happened to her in the parking lot since she wasn't answering her phone.  The adrenaline going through the poor guy- he's probably still feeling it!

[Liz CA]

Folks with a good sense of direction will never understand this.  Those of us who were not blessed by this understand.

 

I no longer meltdown and cry when lost, but this happened more than a few times in my early driving days/months/years.

 

Don't you directional folks try to gaslight those of us with real problems in this area now.

 

OP's dd should not have turned off her phone, agreed.  But she was overwhelmed with emotions which were not under her immediate control, and she pulled off the road to calm herself down.  Sounds like a good move to me.  When I was 16, I became flustered a block from my house and had two wrecks in the span of five minutes.  You cannot make this stuff up.  OP's dd obviously needs more practice driving under many different conditions.

 

Make fun all you want.  I still cannot find my way out of a paper bag, but this has not held me back in life overall, just wasted some time and gas.  I will frequently go the wrong way multiple times because it all looks familiar, even the wrong way.  Even when I have been to the place multiple times.

 

(Yes, I know that no one is making fun of me or anyone else.  No, I'm not angry.)

 

You think we can still be called "normal?" Of course, that begs the question "what is normal?"  :lol:  I don't feel that restricted either in my daily living. I just leave hours - many hours, perhaps even the night before and sleep at the airport hotel - before I have to be at the airport...

 

[texasmama]

You think we can still be called "normal?" Of course, that begs the question "what is normal?" :lol: I don't feel that restricted either in my daily living. I just leave hours - many hours, perhaps even the night before and sleep at the airport hotel - before I have to be at the airport...

 

Lol. I've not been normal for a very long time, ;). Mostly, other people just drive me around, and that is not all bad.

[catz]

My daughter is almost 26.  She has major anxiety issues.  She says she isn't ready to drive yet.  As much as it would make my life more convenient if she would drive, I'm not going to press the issue.  I don't know if that is your daughters situation or not, but it sounds like she needs to take things slower on becoming more independent.  I would hope that you and your dh have her well-being in mind more than what is convenient for you.

 

I'm just curious, how does she get around?  Does she get around on her own with transit or on a bike or something?  Does she live at home?  Does she have a job?  That can be extremely life limiting for a young adult in the U.S.  There are certainly parts of the world where it wouldn't matter as much.  But if it is generalized anxiety and not JUST driving, it is treatable.  I cannot tell you what a night and day difference therapy with a period of time on an Rx made for me.    I don't necessarily think it is just about convenience.  A parent can't drive a child forever.  At least to me, I feel like I want my kids to be road ready by age 21 for sure.

 

I have a mom friend that barely drives.  She will only drive local streets within a couple miles of home.  It has crippled her kids and her marriage given their location.  I don't want to get into it, but I'm not sure the marriage will survive.  I am not a huge fan of kids getting their license on their 16th birthday.  I'd like to see kids need to drive with a permit for a couple years honestly. One of my kids may take much longer to drive than the other, but that's ok.  I do feel like it's the same as making her finish high school, learn to pay bills, or balance a checkbook. 

 

:grouphug: