starting to drive alone, sad dad, sad dd (our difficult evening)

[bettyandbob]

dd recently got her license. She had her permit over a year. She is 16 almost 17. We need her to drive and be independent. There are many factors in our family that makes this very necessary. dd has been reluctant, but we've worked on this slowly and methodically.

 

So, last night I sent dd to ballet on her own. Ballet is 2 miles from our house. She's driven to/from ballet in all kinds of weather, day and night since she got her permit. So, I thought it would be an easy first night drive.

 

So, dd calls in tears on the way home. She pulled over into the parking lot of an office building. She was diverted because of night road construction. Instead of driving toward home, she was further away from than she was at ballet. She wants someone to just pick her up. We tell her we can't leave that second and she is more upset and hangs up. We tie things up quickly (5-10 min) and try to call back. Actually I was calling back sooner. Anyway, she's not answering. Dh tells me to stay home and he's going to drive to the office buildings where he thinks she was. I keep calling dd. No answer. I think dd is simply driving and probably getting lost. dh goes into full panic mode. He can't find her. He's driving around empty dark parking lots imagining horrible things.

 

dd arrives home an hour after she first called. She was upset. She makes herself some eggs and begins telling me what happened. She turned off her phone. She can't talk when she's stressed. She then picked up a book to read, because reading calms her down. After she calmed down, she drove back to ballet and came home by another route.

 

Reviewing her steps, I think she handled everything well except turning off the phone, but I know when she's stressed she gets more stressed with people talking, so we need to review how to handle that.

 

Dh arrived home. He's usually a very calm guy. He was yelling and couldn't stop. I told him to stop. and he refused. I told him to go outside for a walk to calm down. He wouldn't. His yelling made dd hysterical. It was hours before everyone got to bed. I sat with dd in her room while she calmed down.

 

This morning everyone is tired, including both ds. dh feels terrible. He said "maybe dd shouldn't drive at night until she wants to". I have assured him that it is unlikely she will ever want to.

 

In a couple days I will review personnel safety. I guess I will go back to her driving with me in the passenger seat. Hopefully, something will come up that she will be very motivated to go out on her own for.

 

I know a lot of teens give parents worse worry events, but this was really hard for dh to handle. And yet he knows we need her to feel comfortable driving and we need her to drive. Ugh.

 

[fairfarmhand]

Daddy needs to apologize.

 

Dd needs to keep the phone on, but be entitled to answer and say, "I'm okay. I'm too upset to talk. I'm calming myself down. I'll call you when I'm calm."

 

And you guys need to respect that.

 

She sounds like she did exactly the right thing, other than turning off the phone. Tell her that you are proud of her understanding how to calm herself and she did well.

 

Practice these things. She will learn to handle them the more that she does them. I would have her do this again. Some kids need parents to force them to do the hard things so that they will handle them better and get practice dealing with stuff that comes up.

[Catwoman]

I'm having trouble figuring out how your dd managed to get lost (or that upset) only 2 miles from home. Or was she not lost, but simply upset because she had to take a different route?

 

Does she suffer from severe anxiety issues? On its own, being diverted in traffic a few miles from home doesn't seem at all panic-worthy, so I'm trying to figure out what other issues are at play here.

 

Based on the situation you have described, I don't think she is ready to be driving alone at night. Is she OK driving alone during the day? Would a GPS make her more confident?

[Laurel-in-CA]

Maybe you could share the cost of a GPS for the car? Seriously, we got dd one when she started college and it was a tremendous relief for all of us.

 

Bless her for figuring it out, and just give each other a big hug and all of you resolve to be more patient with selves & each other if it happens again. And if she's upset, can you agree to text rather than talk but she leaves her phone on?

[Annie G]

I can easily see why she became upset.  New driver, route closed and suddenly having to find another route, and feeling like this was a test of her driving skills, which she already seems a little nervous about. 

 

There are tons of roads around our place that our kids have never driven on. If a route was blocked, I could easily see ds getting lost.  He spent his childhood reading in a car- he rarely looked out of the window. We figured that out when he started learning to drive...all those years he wasn't  watching us drive or learning the routes- he was reading. 

 

Dd has anxiety and doesn't drive.  If she does get her license, I could totally see this upsetting her. 

 

Sorry that your dd had this experience, but it's a good way to learn how to handle unexpected events.  She'll get better with it, and in a year or two will be fine driving.  

 

It really seems that dh jumped the gun and went into panic mode. Going out to find her instead of helping her figure out where she is and giving her directions to get home is kind of a 'give a person a fish' instead of 'teach a person to fish' kind of thing.  She figured out how to get home- good for her!!!  That's a way more empowering message than 'Daddy is out looking to save you'.  (Knowing she can be rescued when needed is vital, but not the first thing you want a kid to resort to when something goes awry)   It's really scary when our kids are new drivers but everyone will adjust. 

 

Having said all that, I rely on my phone's gps all the time. It's a really good tool!

[elfgivas]

I'm having trouble figuring out how your dd managed to get lost (or that upset) only 2 miles from home. Or was she not lost, but simply upset because she had to take a different route?

 

Does she suffer from severe anxiety issues? On its own, being diverted in traffic a few miles from home doesn't seem at all panic-worthy, so I'm trying to figure out what other issues are at play here.

 

Based on the situation you have described, I don't think she is ready to be driving alone at night. Is she OK driving alone during the day? Would a GPS make her more confident?

 

 

you're a lucky woman catwoman, that you are having trouble figuring this out.

 

i get lost without trying.  at age 55.  its been that way, oh, forever....  i can get lost with a gps and an iphone map, too.  its something to do with spacial reasoning, which apparently i don't have.  you know those little boxes on IQ tests that they open up, flatten and then ask you what shape they would be folded up?  i have never, ever in all of time been able to understand how someone could do that.  i have cut the things out, folded and unfolded them, and then when faced with a picture of the self same shape have gone into complete panic mode.

 

oldest dd learned to follow a map at age 4.  we joke that it was in self defense, but it really was because she didn't like being lost, and we frequently were.

second dd learned to follow a map at age 6.  same reason.

third and fourth dds learned to say "i think we turn here mummy" by about age 2.

 

driving in our car is a group sport.  

 

so if we go back to when i was 17 and driving alone for the first time, way way back before the beginning of time or cell phones, my mom would hug me goodbye and tell me she hoped she'd get to see me again.  we'd both laugh.  but it wasn't really that funny.  eventually, we figured out that directions based on experiential memory worked almost every time.  so she would give me directions like "do you remember where we parked for the santa claus parade when you were little?"  i would say "yes".  she would say "good.  when you get there, drive towards the maple tree on the corner".  i could go almost anywhere like that.  one dear aunt wrote directions to her cottage that spanned two pages of shared memories.  now i can do it with less shared memory and more landmarks (eg.  turn left at the "keep off the grass" sign).  

 

i have only met one other person like that, but it was lovely to know i wasn't alone.  she gave us directions to her home in florida including the line "turn left at the fancy dress shop".  dh had kittens; we had flown for hours, driven for hours, and he couldn't imagine we'd find it.  then of course we were driving down the street and i said "oh look, there's the fancy dress shop.  turn left."  and of course, it was, we did, and we found her house.  neither she nor i found it odd that she hadn't given me street names or a house number.  

 

all of which to say is that we need to figure out how to work with who we are, and to make progress towards who we want to be.  there may well be other issues at play, but maybe this is just the way she comes.

 

hugs to all,

ann

[Liz CA]

Ahh, it's too bad your dh was worried out of his mind - understandably so - when he could not find her and had to vent. Perhaps he can tell her today how proud he is of her taking all the necessary steps to get herself home..."but please don't turn your phone off because your parents may have a heart attack. I was so afraid when I could not find you, I simply lost my head"...or something like that.

 

Also, if she is a timid driver, you could have her drive herself and follow one of you in another car on unfamiliar routes. When I was 18, I was fine driving all over an area I knew well, but as soon as I had to go on a detour, it would have scared me. Scout out some alternate routes home from various places and have her driving, following one of you. One pays much better attention where one is going when one is driving!

[kitten18]

I'm sorry, that sounds upsetting for everyone.

 

I can definitely understand why you need her drive.

 

Sounds like turning off her phone really, really made the situation so much worse. I would have been extremely frustrated with that.

[bettyandbob]

I'm having trouble figuring out how your dd managed to get lost (or that upset) only 2 miles from home. Or was she not lost, but simply upset because she had to take a different route?

 

Does she suffer from severe anxiety issues? On its own, being diverted in traffic a few miles from home doesn't seem at all panic-worthy, so I'm trying to figure out what other issues are at play here.

 

Based on the situation you have described, I don't think she is ready to be driving alone at night. Is she OK driving alone during the day? Would a GPS make her more confident?

 

Sometimes I read your responses and I think you must just be a super confident person, clearly you can't relate.

 

The diverted traffic took dd in the opposite direction of home. The road was a busy two lanes in each direction and she ended up crossing an even busier road that she was not expecting to cross. At that point she was rattled. So, she pulled into the parking lot of an office building that was on the right. That was when she called us. It was there that she also calmed herself down, figured out a plan to get going the right way again. Aside from turning off the phone and not letting us know that she had a plan and was starting again she did fine. She didn't drive erratically or stop the car in the middle of the road. She figured out she needed to stop and found a safe place to stop and collect herself.

[katilac]

 

It really seems that dh jumped the gun and went into panic mode. Going out to find her instead of helping her figure out where she is and giving her directions to get home is not necessarily going to help dd. 

 

They couldn't help her figure out where she was or give her directions - she turned off her phone. 

 

His dd called him a very short distance from home, lost and upset, and then hung up and stopped answering her phone. You better believe I would have gone to look for her, and I would have yelled like a crazy person if she came home an hour later saying she turned off her phone and picked up a book. There is no reason she could not have texted (if parents have no cell phone, she needed to wait long enough to talk to them and at least say "can't talk now").

 

It might be good if dad explained that his anger came from fear, but dd was spectacularly thoughtless and his reaction will drive the point home. 

 

I have a horrific sense of direction and practically sob in despair when people don't offer detailed directions because "you can't miss it!" I promise you I can, lol. My life is much easier since GPS. You don't even need to buy a separate one if she has a smart phone; there are many apps, such as Waze, that will do the trick (and no need to stare at the screen while you drive; they have audio and you can preview the route). 

 

I will say that her level of anxiety and her over-the-top reaction would worry me in general. If I felt that there was a certain level of melodrama and habit to it, I would work on it with her if I felt like she was putting forth an honest effort to not overreact and to consider other people's needs (ie, even if you have a breakdown, the person you call may not be able to leave that very second). 

 

If I didn't feel like she was willing to put forth an honest effort, and circumstances made it difficult for her to not drive alone, then a natural consequence might be no dance lessons or other activities. 

 

If I felt like she was trying, but still responding in similar ways, I would strongly consider the possibility of getting an evaluation for clinical anxiety. Treatment does not have to include medication; most professionals will want to teach coping mechanisms and such first, especially for younger people. 

 

I would probably have a very straightforward discussion with her. "For your own safety, you need to be able to cope with difficult and even dangerous situations. You have to be able to stay relatively calm, and you won't always have the luxury of waiting before before responding. We've been working on this together, but I don't feel like you're moving forward. Do you think it would help to work with someone else, someone objective, rather than mom and dad? Or do you have any other ideas?" 

[catz]

Daddy needs to apologize.

 

Dd needs to keep the phone on, but be entitled to answer and say, "I'm okay. I'm too upset to talk. I'm calming myself down. I'll call you when I'm calm."

 

And you guys need to respect that.

 

She sounds like she did exactly the right thing, other than turning off the phone. Tell her that you are proud of her understanding how to calm herself and she did well.

 

Practice these things. She will learn to handle them the more that she does them. I would have her do this again. Some kids need parents to force them to do the hard things so that they will handle them better and get practice dealing with stuff that comes up.

 

:iagree:   I also think if this kind of anxiety is typical for her, I would absolutely follow up on it with a doctor and/or therapy..  I think this was a perfect situation to practice keeping a level head and problem solving skills.  No, your DH of course was not reasonable to go on and on, but it is so not ok just to disappear off the face of the earth like that after calling upset and I can see flying off the handle with that kind of stress.  But teens should start to learn that their actions can have a major affect on those around them.  And I say this as someone who did go through therapy for depression and anxiety for a time.

 

I honestly wouldn't back down totally on driving at night.  I'd have her get back up on that horse pretty quickly actually being this close to adulthoood.  And I don't think it's at ALL unreasonable to decide a kid this age needs to be able to drive. 

 

[Liz CA]

 

 

The diverted traffic took dd in the opposite direction of home. The road was a busy two lanes in each direction and she ended up crossing an even busier road that she was not expecting to cross. At that point she was rattled.

 

Yup, at 18, this could have been me. Tell her what she did was very mature, her reaction was normal and Dad was scared out his mind because he could not find his baby girl. I am thinking here she needs to know that he "lost" it because he loves her so much and every parent's worst nightmare is not to be able to help / locate their children BUT he is ever so proud that she made it home with herself and car in one piece without any help. Atta Girl!!!!

[Slartibartfast]

Some people don't have any sort of direction sense. When people have not been driving they don't always pay attention to where they are going and they may not know their way around well, or they simply were sent down a road they didn't travel frequently.

 

Dad does need to apologize but I would also shop for inexpensive gps or  she needs to look at how to use gps on a phone. I would also put maps in the car. She can't turn her phone off while you are worried about her.

 

I can get lost in a paper bag. We moved to a different state two years ago and I am still getting horrifically lost sometimes, particularly when I have a field trip in an area we don't visit very often.

 

I don't find it particularly alarming that she panicked after getting lost for the first time.

[KungFuPanda]

If DD is a landmark driver, night driving will completely throw her. Tell her to try to start thinking in terms of road names and directions instead of "turn right at the yellow house." Teaching herself to visualize the map will REALLY help her in the long run. Even if it's not natural to her, she can learn it.

[Catwoman]

Sometimes I read your responses and I think you must just be a super confident person, clearly you can't relate.

 

The diverted traffic took dd in the opposite direction of home. The road was a busy two lanes in each direction and she ended up crossing an even busier road that she was not expecting to cross. At that point she was rattled. So, she pulled into the parking lot of an office building that was on the right. That was when she called us. It was there that she also calmed herself down, figured out a plan to get going the right way again. Aside from turning off the phone and not letting us know that she had a plan and was starting again she did fine. She didn't drive erratically or stop the car in the middle of the road. She figured out she needed to stop and found a safe place to stop and collect herself.

No, I can't relate.

 

Perhaps it's because where we live, teenagers learn to drive on multi-lane highways and there is almost always heavy traffic. And the idea of being in the opposite direction of home doesn't seem like it would be a big deal because she was still only a few miles away. Doesn't she know the streets in your area well enough to find an alternate route home? If not, I think it's something she needs to work on.

 

Frankly, I would be concerned about her anxiety level, as her reaction to the situation does not sound at all typical to me. If she truly gets so flustered about a minor detour that she needs to pull off the road for a while to calm down, I would question whether or not she was mature enough to be driving alone yet. She may need more time to develop her confidence.

 

I do applaud her for realizing she needed to calm herself down, and that she knew she was too nervous to be driving. I don't understand the "panic mode" or turning off her phone. I can certainly relate to your dh's reaction -- she was panicky and then she didn't answer her phone. Of course he assumed the worst, and when he couldn't find her, he went into panic mode, too.

 

I seem to have offended you with my post, and I'm very sorry about that. But I have never known anyone who was that anxious behind the wheel when they were that close to home, nor have I known any teens who weren't excited to be driving on their own -- maybe a bit nervous about it, but not truly anxious. This situation is entirely new to me.

[Slartibartfast]

If DD is a landmark driver, night driving will completely throw her. Tell her to try to start thinking in terms of road names and directions instead of "turn right at the yellow house." Teaching herself to visualize the map will REALLY help her in the long run. Even if it's not natural to her, she can learn it.

 

 

Learning the streets in her town, major intersections, and how it is laid out would help immensely.

[Annie G]

They couldn't help her figure out where she was or give her directions - she turned off her phone. 

 

 

 

When she initially called, she was in a panic and wanted someone to just come pick her up. The parents agreed, but said they couldn't come right that minute. That's when the girl turned off her phone. I was saying that it might have been more helpful to try to help the girl figure out where she was and encourage her to solve this before they agreed to go get her. Considering she was only a couple of miles from home,  it might have worked. 

 

I'm coming at this from the perspective of a parent who has dealt with a child's anxiety for years. We strive to teach her how to cope with it instead of giving up. It's really difficult to parent a child like this, even when the kid is an adult. As parents we want to rescue our kids but sometimes it's better to help them work through the problem. 

 

Lots of teens have anxiety over driving when they are newly licensed- so this might be just a driving related issue, or it might not.   Even if the kid needs professional help, the parents still have to learn how to help her.  

[Snickerdoodle]

I don't think turning off the phone was the wrong thing to do.  If she was stressed out then having that thing ringing while trying to figure out what to do next or while driving probably would have rattled her brain more.     I think turning off the phone and the subsequent actions she took were sensible.   She just needs to learn to do it without freaking out.  

 

DH's response?  Way over the top.

[Plink]

Talking on the phone while driving is dangerous.  If she was already rattled, turning off the phone so that she didn't hear repeated ringing was probably wise.  I wouldn't give her a hard time about that at all.  Phones are not a necessary driving accessory - even if mom and dad are nervous.

 

DH on the other hand deserves an earful. 

 

hugs to your DD

[gingersmom]

I used to have trips like that at her age, pre cellphone and GPS.

 

Please don't make her drive if she is not ready. My parents forced me to get license and drive and it was awful.

 

My daughter would have reacted similar to your daughter, thus no driving in her future.

[bettyandbob]

Talking on the phone while driving is dangerous.  If she was already rattled, turning off the phone so that she didn't hear repeated ringing was probably wise.  I wouldn't give her a hard time about that at all.  Phones are not a necessary driving accessory - even if mom and dad are nervous.

 

DH on the other hand deserves an earful. 

 

hugs to your DD

 

She wasn't on the phone and driving at the same time. She had pulled over and parked when she called us. She just didn't call or text us to tell us she had decided to get back on the road and she knew what to do without our help.

 

I believe you are right about wanting to avoid hearing repeated ringing.

[linders]

Talking on the phone while driving is dangerous.  If she was already rattled, turning off the phone so that she didn't hear repeated ringing was probably wise.  I wouldn't give her a hard time about that at all.  Phones are not a necessary driving accessory - even if mom and dad are nervous.

 

DH on the other hand deserves an earful. 

 

hugs to your DD

 

Agree that talking while driving is dangerous. However, once she parked, she absolutely should have turned the phone back on and called her parents before reading a while. That was very immature, and I agree with PP's who have suggested she not be driving until you work on issues related to anxiety, panic, and responsible communications.

 

I would have been right there with your DH yelling with respect to turning off the phone while she sat and read.

[Pam in CT]

I can easily see my 19 yo daughter doing something like this.  When we visited her at her urban college last year at the end of NOVEMBER, she was still using her phone GPS to WALK between her dorm and her classrooms.   :svengo:

 

Your daughter shouldn't have turned off the phone.  Other than that she did fine.

 

Your husband was afraid something dreadful had happened to her because she was unreachable. He overreacted out of fear.  Ideally he should apologize for the overreaction.

 

 

 

And then you should all move on.  Driving is a life skill.  Like lots of life skills, it's harder for some kids than others.

 

[iamonlyone]

Well, OP, I do want to encourage you that others have been there and survived. :) We also have a ballet girl, and she called us several times through the years, disorientated and needing help with navigating. Our daughter is extremely directionally challenged, and a GPS app has been wonderful for her. But, to the encouragement part, although our daughter did have kind of a slow driving start, she has become a responsible, confident driver through the years. (I credit it to practice and brain development.) Now she is 19 and living far away from home in Chicago. She does an excellent job driving herself to ballet, work, church, etc. So, those driving skills can improve! Some people just need a little more time.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm another adult with a HORRIBLE sense of direction,

 

My dh for a time sort of tried to help me out of this, but really it took me just driving, getting lost, and finding my way again. Living in a small town is a perfect way to figure this out. No, I couldn't have learned it with my dh in the car. He would've been sighing, fuming, and rolling his eyes (he has a natural sense of direction, I don't) which would have made me more nervous. I came from a very flat place with roads running at right angles to a place that is hilly, with sharp curves and turns.

 

I'd get your dd the GPS, and let her drive in the daytime. Tell her you want her to find some alternate routes for several places so she will become more familiar with the layout of the streets. The GPS will always help her find her way home and will give her a security blanket. I've got one and believe me, knowing that no matter where I am, I will come home, totally lessens my driving nerves.

 

I don't think your dd's reaction is out of bounds of normal. If she was freaking IN TRAFFIC and unable to find a place to pull off to calm herself, then I'd be worried.

[kroe1]

Get her a GPS.

 

Sorry, I did not read the other posts.

[HRAAB]

This could have been my dd.  She's been driving for a year, and she still gets confused with directions, especially with the heavy traffic in our area.  She's bright and smart.  Put her behind the wheel, in heavy traffic, or at night, and she could easily get lost due to detours/road construction.  I think your dd was very wise to pull over and calm down although she shouldn't have turned off her phone.  If you had been able to reach her by phone, your dh probably wouldn't have been so worried.  He should probably apologize yet explain his anger and frustration was due to his worry.  I know about this because I react the same way.  Not smart but just the truth.  Sounds like she needs more confidence before driving at night.  Driving doesn't come naturally to everyone.  My older two never had any problems with driving.  My middle dd is taking much longer, and I'm okay with that. 

 

Take a deep breath and start again.

[Jan in SC]

I think your dh just had an adrenaline reaction from fear. I'm not sure it was much different from your dd's reaction. (In terms of weirdness!)

 

I can't imagine letting a child that would panic that much drive in the daytime, let alone the night. Am I understanding correctly- she turned off her phone, sat in the car and read a book, and was only two miles from your house, in a place she's been a lot? If so, I think some serious therapy or medication might help. That is worrisome. If it's a really unusual thing, then have her drive again soon so she doesn't build up more fear from the experience.

 

I'm very glad that she made it home safely!

[Starr]

I don't know how much you are supposed to yell or not after panicking about the welfare of ones child. I would be really stressed had I been your husband! Dd needs to know that  dumping her anxiety on parents is totally not fair. She should have not turned her phone off until she told you she had resolved her problem and was back on the road.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I don't know how much you are supposed to yell or not after panicking about the welfare of ones child. I would be really stressed had I been your husband! Dd needs to know that dumping her anxiety on parents is totally not fair. She should have not turned her phone off until she told you she had resolved her problem and was back on the road. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

He was worried about her, so he immediately did the right thing and went out to try to find her and help her get home safely. She wasn't where he thought she would be, and she wasn't answering her phone. She was only a few miles away from home when she called in a panic, yet she hadn't gotten home by the time he did. The poor man was probably scared to death that something awful had happened to her.

 

I can absolutely understand why he was so upset and worried, and I also understand why he blew up at her. He's obviously a good guy if he felt so badly about it afterward, but in the heat of the moment, I think his reaction was entirely understandable.

[Tenaj]

This could have been by dd.  She's 20 now and has her license and her GPS.  One of her requirements for getting her license was that she have a  good GPS first because she has no sense of direction.  When she had her permit, we were less than two miles for home several times and I would try to be quiet and let her get us home and she often would turn in the wrong direction.

 

Get her a good GPS and tell her to use it all the time until she gets comfortable - especially at night.  My dd even uses her GPS to get to our local PO.  She goes there often because she has an etsy shop, but gets turned around every time she doesn't use her GPS.  

 

Don't get a cheap GPS either!  Get a good one . . . the one we got our dd has unlimited lifetime updates so she updates at least once a month to keep it current.  Also, get her a good stand/holder for her so it can sit on her dashboard where she can see it easily.  

 

So glad she got home safe and sound!  

[hornblower]

 But I have never known anyone who was that anxious behind the wheel when they were that close to home, nor have I known any teens who weren't excited to be driving on their own -- maybe a bit nervous about it, but not truly anxious. This situation is entirely new to me.

 

I have an almost 20 yo who still doesn't have her license, partly due to anxiety & the levels of traffic here. She's not excited about doing it at all.

 

My 16 yo ds could have got his learner's months ago but can't be bothered to study for it & isn't really interested in learning to drive at all.

 

Also we have graduated licencing here & the *earliest* you can drive on your own is after your 17th birthday. Many teens don't bother getting licenses here because transit is pretty decent. Biking and walking are also commonly used.

 

OP - are those alternative modes of transport possible for your dd? I know in the US driving is seen like a cutlural right of passage but I know many adults who don't drive, esp in Europe but even here in Canada.  Several of my friends don't drive at all & a bunch more have licences but don't own cars.  I know, I'm in Hippyland :D

 

Also OP - sounds like you kept your head! Good for you. I know in similar circumstances I would be climbing walls. I'm so not the calm one LOL

 

Sounds like both your dd & dh had a minor panic attack & it's totally understandable given the circumstances. I'm sure you can all forgive each other & brainstorm a bit.

Definitely keeping the phone on, & just notifying you what's going on would be key.  I wonder if she was reluctant because you'd be trying to coax her or help her or question her etc & that level of verbal interaction was just too stressful? So maybe you need to be clear to her that she can tell you that she's fine & just needs some time to deal with it on her own & that you'll respect that. Texting might be a better option too.... (of course only when she's safely pulled over)

 

 

 

[Murphy101]

Well I'll side with the minority and sit in Catwoman's car.

 

If my child were that unable to handle a very basic and common aspect of driving, I would not let them drive alone, day or night.

 

A driver that is going to freak out over making a wrong turn or crossing two lanes of traffic shouldn't be behind the wheel IMO.

 

My dh probably wouldn't have kept screaming, bc screaming isn't his natural state anyways. (Alas, that's my territory!) But he'd have been furious too and he'd take her keys for at least a few weeks. And I'd support him on that decision.

 

I also agree with catwoman that I'd be very concerned for her.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with spacial awareness. People get lost in their own towns all the time, even with GPS. But they don't normally panic to the point of having to shut down or become hysterical over having to make a detour or crossing two lane traffic.

 

I am glad she pulled over, bc she for sure shouldn't have been driving, but the complete shut down needs to be dealt with before I'd let her behind a wheel again.

 

Her getting lost or feeling nervous would be normal and wouldn't bother me.

 

But yeah, I think she was way over the top in her reaction to a very common aspect of driving.

 

And I don't think it's her fault. I don't get the impression she was being a drama queen. It sounds like she has a major problem that needs dealt with before she tackles driving solo. :(

[Katy]

I think you already got a lot of good advice.  I always wonder if girls who have anxiety are eating enough saturated fat.  It seems like I read somewhere that a few meals of salmon, mashed potatoes and green beans with butter tend to calm anxiety a lot.  Maybe it was one of those eat traditional foods bloggers who said she used to have severe anxiety and it went away when she increased the saturated fat and omega 3's she was eating.

[plansrme]

Well I'll side with the minority and sit in Catwoman's car.

 

If my child were that unable to handle a very basic and common aspect of driving, I would not let them drive alone, day or night.

 

A driver that is going to freak out over making a wrong turn or crossing two lanes of traffic shouldn't be behind the wheel IMO.

 

My dh probably wouldn't have kept screaming, bc screaming isn't his natural state anyways. (Alas, that's my territory!) But he'd have been furious too and he'd take her keys for at least a few weeks. And I'd support him on that decision.

 

I also agree with catwoman that I'd be very concerned for her.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with spacial awareness. People get lost in their own towns all the time, even with GPS. But they don't normally panic to the point of having to shut down or become hysterical over having to make a detour or crossing two lane traffic.

 

I am glad she pulled over, bc she for sure shouldn't have been driving, but the complete shut down needs to be dealt with before I'd let her behind a wheel again.

 

Her getting lost or feeling nervous would be normal and wouldn't bother me.

 

But yeah, I think she was way over the top in her reaction to a very common aspect of driving.

 

And I don't think it's her fault. I don't get the impression she was being a drama queen. It sounds like she has a major problem that needs dealt with before she tackles driving solo. :(

 

Yeah, I'll join you in Catwoman's car.  My guess is that the OP's husband perceived her daughter's actions as a tantrum; daughter turned the phone off because she was angry that no one hopped up and came to get her when she beckoned.  Not saying that's how she meant it, but one of mine would have done that meaning, "Hey, I'll show you and not answer my phone," and I would have blown a gasket like OP's husband did.  

 

And I agree that she had an outsized reaction to the situation and possibly to driving in general.  Perhaps she gets that tendency from Dad.

 

As for taking her keys, it sounds like that is what she want--to be driven around.  I would consider giving her the keys right back or keeping her home from ballet until she's collected herself sufficiently to make a two-mile drive on her own.  On the other hand, a child's being this reluctant to drive is incredibly foreign to me, so possibly I am not the best person to opine on this topic.

[J-rap]

Well, I wouldn't go the therapy route yet!  :)  I think some kids are just not ready to drive at age 16 or 17 or even 18, and that's okay.  It sounds like she does have some anxiety issues (maybe passed down from your husband?), but I wouldn't go overboard with focusing on that right now.  Lots of kids in our town wait until after high school before they get their license;  they are scared, and they have reasons to be.  Driving is a big responsibility and needs to be taken seriously.

 

I know that her driving herself would be helpful for you, but I would not force it if she's not ready.  If she needs to get somewhere only 2 miles away, it's close enough for you to go with her (she can drive, but with you in the car).  Driving at night IS harder.  Also, I was continually amazed at how a couple of my children didn't know their way around our small town that we had been driving around for YEARS!  Some kids seems to have an internal GPS, others need to work at it.  (I have both.)

 

I would be upset with my daughter though for not contacting us and telling us what was going on, when clearly she was nervous and asking for help.  I would talk to her about that, and work with her on staying calm too.  Think through different scenarios.  Also, I can understand your husband being nervous and upset, but it seems like once he expressed himself, he should have tried to calm down.  I guess that's all water over the bridge now. 

 

I would not let her drive alone quite yet;  continue to drive with her.

Talk through various scenarios with her regarding driving and how she can handle them calmly.

Set up a system of communication (calling home) so that everyone can remain calm.

 

Someday she'll be a good driver, and you'll probably all look back at that night and laugh.  :)

 

[texasmama]

I have no sense of direction. Never have. I relied on my dad for help when I was younger and then dh. Now I have a GPS, which has revolutionized my life.

 

I see how a reluctant driver faced with an unexpected curve ball would melt down. I did this once in college and called my dad from a pay phone crying. I described landmarks and he helped me get home.

 

GPS will raise her confidence. It has mine. :)

[NorthwestMom]

They couldn't help her figure out where she was or give her directions - she turned off her phone. 

 

His dd called him a very short distance from home, lost and upset, and then hung up and stopped answering her phone. You better believe I would have gone to look for her, and I would have yelled like a crazy person if she came home an hour later saying she turned off her phone and picked up a book. There is no reason she could not have texted (if parents have no cell phone, she needed to wait long enough to talk to them and at least say "can't talk now").

 

It might be good if dad explained that his anger came from fear, but dd was spectacularly thoughtless and his reaction will drive the point home. 

 

I have a horrific sense of direction and practically sob in despair when people don't offer detailed directions because "you can't miss it!" I promise you I can, lol. My life is much easier since GPS. You don't even need to buy a separate one if she has a smart phone; there are many apps, such as Waze, that will do the trick (and no need to stare at the screen while you drive; they have audio and you can preview the route). 

 

I will say that her level of anxiety and her over-the-top reaction would worry me in general. If I felt that there was a certain level of melodrama and habit to it, I would work on it with her if I felt like she was putting forth an honest effort to not overreact and to consider other people's needs (ie, even if you have a breakdown, the person you call may not be able to leave that very second). 

 

If I didn't feel like she was willing to put forth an honest effort, and circumstances made it difficult for her to not drive alone, then a natural consequence might be no dance lessons or other activities. 

 

If I felt like she was trying, but still responding in similar ways, I would strongly consider the possibility of getting an evaluation for clinical anxiety. Treatment does not have to include medication; most professionals will want to teach coping mechanisms and such first, especially for younger people. 

 

I would probably have a very straightforward discussion with her. "For your own safety, you need to be able to cope with difficult and even dangerous situations. You have to be able to stay relatively calm, and you won't always have the luxury of waiting before before responding. We've been working on this together, but I don't feel like you're moving forward. Do you think it would help to work with someone else, someone objective, rather than mom and dad? Or do you have any other ideas?" 

:iagree:

 

I get why she needs to learn to drive independently, and why her dad was SO upset. I don't think removing or scaling back driving is the answer - I actually think she needs more driving, plus coaching to reduce anxiety in stressful moments. I like katilac's suggestions a lot. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: , from this mom whose son has a learner's permit. I get it.

 

Edited, to add that while your DD's coping mechanisms weren't ideal, they weren't terrible, and she did get home safely without crashing or getting a ticket due to unsafe driving, so I think that's a positive.

[Murphy101]

I have never known anyone who was that anxious behind the wheel when they were that close to home, nor have I known any teens who weren't excited to be driving on their own -- maybe a bit nervous about it, but not truly anxious. This situation is entirely new to me.

Why would you know about it? Why would they share that with you?

 

I've known many. I was one. I got married before I got my license at 19. And I still don't much like driving. It does not make me anxious at all and never did. I just actually prefer walking. I walked everywhere. Miles and miles sometimes. I drive hours every day now. I'm confident of my driving, but the second dh walks in the door, he drives us everywhere.

 

My kids aren't really interested either.

A son's girlfriend hates to drive and won't do it unless her mother threatens her with consequences. LOL (Consequences of refusing to drive herself to classes is not getting to have my son over for dinner. I mean otoh I was thinking that's nuts, but on the other I was laughing rather hard about it too. It's now a family joke. Me: Did she drive to the campus today? Son: yep! Me: Guess she still likes you then, huh? Son: yep!)

 

I don't have an issue with a kid not wanting to drive.

 

But if they can't handle it without panicking, then they shouldn't be in the road.

[Catwoman]

Why would you know about it? Why would they share that with you?

 

I've known many. I was one. I got married before I got my license at 19. And I still don't much like driving. It does not make me anxious at all and never did. I just actually prefer walking. I walked everywhere. Miles and miles sometimes. I drive hours every day now. I'm confident of my driving, but the second dh walks in the door, he drives us everywhere.

 

My kids aren't really interested either.

A son's girlfriend hates to drive and won't do it unless her mother threatens her with consequences. LOL (Consequences of refusing to drive herself to classes is not getting to have my son over for dinner. I mean otoh I was thinking that's nuts, but on the other I was laughing rather hard about it too. It's now a family joke. Me: Did she drive to the campus today? Son: yep! Me: Guess she still likes you then, huh? Son: yep!)

 

I don't have an issue with a kid not wanting to drive.

 

But if they can't handle it without panicking, then they shouldn't be in the road.

They talk about it. They're excited about getting their permits, and are looking foreward to getting their licenses and their own cars.

 

I feel very sorry for betty's dd. I agree with you that she wasn't being a drama queen -- the poor girl was genuinely upset -- and I also agree that if a kid doesn't want to drive, she shouldn't be forced to do it until she is ready. After an incident like the one betty described, I would be very hesitant to allow her behind the wheel without a parent in the car with her until she develops a lot more confidence in her driving ability. The situation that panicked her was an everyday type of driving occurrence, and will almost certainly happen again. I would hate to see her feeling fearful all the time in anticipation of having to get into the car and drive. It's awful to feel nervous and worried!

[Murphy101]

They talk about it. They're excited about getting their permits, and are looking foreward to getting their licenses and their own cars.

Right. That's my point. The kids who don't feel that way often are NOT talking about it bc there's a lot of pressure to conform on this. ;)

 

I feel very sorry for betty's dd. I agree with you that she wasn't being a drama queen -- the poor girl was genuinely upset -- and I also agree that if a kid doesn't want to drive, she shouldn't be forced to do it until she is ready. After an incident like the one betty described, I would be very hesitant to allow her behind the wheel without a parent in the car with her. The situation that panicked her was an everyday type of driving occurrence, and will almost certainly happen again. I would hate to see her feeling fearful all the time in anticipation of having to get into the car and drive. It's awful to feel nervous and worried!

Agreed.

[momacacia]

Does the phone have GPS? She needs to learn to use it. What I would have done for that technology decades ago when I first moved to DC.

 

Hugs.

[Catwoman]

Right. That's my point. The kids who don't feel that way often are NOT talking about it bc there's a lot of pressure to conform on this. ;).

Oh, I'm sure it happens. But I can only speak for friends and family, and those kids have always seemed pretty excited about picking out their cars when they started driving. I don't know any teenagers who didn't get their licenses "on schedule," but I'm sure there are some of them out there! :)

[Katy]

If it's only two miles away, she could probably walk.

[bettyandbob]

If it's only two miles away, she could probably walk.

 

She will not be walking along at 9 pm in the dark.

 

During the day there is path that makes it a short walk, but we only take that route with a partner--the path goes through an area that is questionable. We have gone over a route to walk that would be consider acceptable alone during daylight hours.

[Jenny in Florida]

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. As I read your post, I could almost hear my own daughter's voice in my imaginary cell phone making that same kind of call. 

 

My daughter is 19 and hasn't yet really learned to drive, precisely because her anxiety about it is very problematic. She has learned the technical/mechanical process of driving, but hates it so much and finds it so stressful that we finally gave up on forcing the issue.

 

Her solution was to move to NYC and learn to use public transportation, which she does without issue. For some reason, given her particular set of challenges, subways are comfortable, but driving a car is terrifying. So, she copes.

 

As others have said, the only thing I found troublesome about your daughter's approach was that she turned off the phone and left you to worry. It would have been perfectly acceptable, in my mind, for her to drop you a text letting you know she needed some time and then mute the phone. But dropping off the face of the earth without explanation was pretty much certain to cause parents to panic, and that's not cool.

 

Dad, though, definitely needs to chill and apologize. His reaction probably just served to make a difficult situation worse.

[Murphy101]

Oh, I'm sure it happens. But I can only speak for friends and family, and those kids have always seemed pretty excited about picking out their cars when they started driving. I don't know any teenagers who didn't get their licenses "on schedule," but I'm sure there are some of them out there! :)

Um. Gently said... I suggest you confer with folks in a lower socioeconomic demographic and you will find plenty. Simply because none of them usually have any prospects for picking out their cars for many years yet. I do imagine, and can only imagine, that going out to pick a car would indeed up the enthusiasm factor for many teens. I don't know that it improves their driving any, but the enthusiasm? Sure. I don't like driving, but if anyone wants to take me out to pick a new used van (A Nissan NV in any color but white please!) I will be one ridiculously excited woman.

 

My kids can pick out a car when they have worked jobs long enough to save to buy it themselves. It's unlikely they would qualify for a loan and I won't cosign for a car. (I refuse to encourage debt for a non necessity and at this point in their lives it is not a true necessity.)

 

Disclaimer:

I really don't care if rich kids can go pick out a car when they turn 16. Not my kid, not my money, not my concern.

 

But most kids in America are not able to do that.

 

:)

[catz]

I see how a reluctant driver faced with an unexpected curve ball would melt down. I did this once in college and called my dad from a pay phone crying. I described landmarks and he helped me get home.

 

GPS will raise her confidence. It has mine. :)

 

I think GPS can be a great tool if someone is directionally challenged.  I actually think your response of calling your dad and allowing him to walk you through it was a MUCH more positive response to a situation like this than hanging up and becoming suddenly unreachable.  I think the dd owes an apology at least as much as the dad.

 

Anyway, not picking on anyone in particular, but I always get a bit twitchy when people suggest totally backing down on someone in their late teens on a often necessary life skill toward independence.  I don't love driving, I let my DH do it when he's around.  But I still drive quite a bit considering I live in an urban center.  I don't relish mowing the lawn or trimming my toenails either, but some things just need to be learned and done regularly. 

 

What are her post high school plans?  Is she a junior this year?  Mass transit is a great idea to learn too if that's an option.  I would be taking her back to mom's driving school for a time and talk about a timeline and plan to get her more independent.  I might even schedule time for her to drive daily with you.  I would consider dropping activities for a kid this age unable to at least put forth some effort on their own transport.  That could be biking, could be driving, could be setting up a car pool, could be bus, etc.  I think young adults lives can be greatly limited if they're not taught some of these independence skills.   A huge percentage of college freshman drop out because they're not ready to stand on their own 2 feet. 

 

Again - I am someone who has had anxiety and did struggle a bit to launch.  I think my parents did me a HUGE service by having me get up on the horse again and again.  And not just with regards to driving, but in terms of learning general independence skills. 

 

:grouphug: Hugs momma.  My more anxious kid is 10, and I''m really having to think differently about her than my oldest who has always been pretty laid back and independent.  She is actually quite a bit like me.  :/  ETA - most people I know do not get their kids cars at 16 unless they NEED them to have one as a family

[QueenCat]

Dad was way out of line. He needs to apologize.

 

Our children are NOT allowed to answer the phone, so even if it had been on for one of ours, they wouldn't have answered it. They know that if they ever answer the phone while driving one of our cars, they won't have access for a very long time. I think it was fine for her turn it off when she is unavailable to answer it, as it would have been another distraction.

 

Driving at night, on their own, is something mine don't do until they have driven extensively during the day on their own. Consider having her drive with you for a little longer at night.

 

Buy her a GPS. It is worth every penny, even if it delays something else in the budget, for her to have it.

[myfunnybunch]

I don't know if this has been suggested yet, and probably depends on street safety, but can she ride her bike to ballet?

 

You need her to be independent. She got lost. She recognized that she needed to calm down and used the tools she had at her disposal to do so. She got herself home. Focus on that and on helping her build her confidence. Next time will be easier, and the next after that, and the next after that.

 

I'd be more concerned about Dad yelling at her and unable/unwilling to stop when asked. That must certainly exacerbate the anxiety and can make future situations worse instead of boosting her confidence. If that happened in my house, dh and I would be sitting down and having a conversation about the necessity for some serious relationship repair with dd.

 

:grouphug: and an extra :grouphug: for your dd.

 

Cat