HappyLady Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Hardly anyone asks my children (6 and 3) and myself to do anything all year round, but the nice weather comes and I start getting the, "Hey, how have you been? I'd love to see you! Is the pool open?" emails. :glare: It annoys me because apparently we're not good enough unless you can come swim in our inground pool. If these people did nothing all year long and just waited for the warm weather to do playdates it would be one thing, but thanks to Facebook, I see these people getting together with each other without even the thought of asking if my children and I would like to get together. And I've tried scheduling playdates (these are mostly people from my homeschool group) only to go back and forth because "no dates" work for them or they cancel on me at the last minute. It breaks my heart to think no one wants to hang out with us, but makes me feel even worse that they're all of a sudden free to come over because they can swim. This is probably just a vent because I'm not sure if anyone has any advice, but feel free to give it if you do. I really can't say what I'd like to say (Oh, you mean we're good enough to hang out with now, now that the pool is open?) because I feel like I have to stay on good terms with the people in the homeschooling community, but it sure would be nice to say something that would get my point across and not ruffle any feathers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I think I get it. We had the only pool in our neighborhood (just an above ground, but pretty nice). I was too aspie to notice how very much people wanted to swim and would only invite two other kids! Just clueless. Maybe there is some consolation for you in the fact that people can be quite busy during the year, and summer lets them expand their friendships. Aaand maybe not. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 My husband said this was what it was like for his family growing up in PA (he is the oldest of 4 children). Part of the reason his parents got a pool was to have a place for kids to hang out. But it took less than one season to see these "fair weather friends." His mother's response? No one came to swim at their house unless they were true friends throughout the other 9 months of the year. She would tell people we'd love to get together, how about park/movies/something other than the pool. People's motives were shown pretty quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I'm sorry. Have one pool party for the whole lot of them, potluck. The rest of the summer invite or not . You are not obligated to entertain these folks all summer. I know, for every one of those "I'd love to see you" emails write back suggesting a museum or park day and see how much they want to get together. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I just wouldn't have any dates that work...oops. As your kids get older and are more involved in extracurriculars, it will be easier for them to make friends without you having to play the mommy clique games. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Yep, definitely had fair weather friends come over every summer once we had a pool. Irritating, but I put up with it for the longest because the kids enjoyed the company without having to leave home. But that was when the kids were still in brick and mortar. Now that we homeschool, the homeschoolers just don't get together much, even at our pool. And the brick and mortar kids never call anymore. Many have parents who don't approve of our choice to homeschool. This is going to be a bit of a lonely summer. I wouldn't mind having a few fair weather friends for the kids about now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I like the idea of suggesting other activities--those who respond well to that can get an invite later on to use the pool, but those who never quite seem to make other engagements never quite seem to get an invitation to the pool either. I'm so sorry that this is the situation. It hurts when people decide not to be our friends, and even more when they then want the benefit of friendship even though they've made it clear they aren't really interested in us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I don't know why I'm still surprised to find out how nervy people can be! It would be tempting to check old emails, and offer each person the very same excuses they offered you. I do like the idea of offering a non-pool alternative for getting together, if it's possible that their business truly was related to the school year. Of course, even if that's true, that doesn't excuse them for inviting themselves to use your pool! If you do decide to invite anyone, I would have detailed rules in place from the get-go. Bring your own food and drinks, bring your own towels and pool towels - I don't have a pool, but whatever makes sense and makes it easier on you. Oh, I also might say that the pool is almost open, but it needs to be cleaned first, along with the yard and patio, and the work party is scheduled for next week. Can't make it? I'll change the date, lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I think suggesting other ideas is perfect. If they want to meet at the park or somewhere for a playdate or two you will know they actually enjoy your company and can invite them to swim. If they blow off your suggestion to meet somewhere other than your pool you know their real motivation and can decide accordingly. If anyone pushes the issue just tell them you only invite friends know well from throughout the year to swim...for liability reasons of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Absolutely do not entertain these people in your pool! It would make me grumpy to even have them over for 5 min if they had been pretending they didn't have time to see me and my kids all year. I agree with other people--suggest park or movie. If they go with you, they are your friends. If not, scratch them off your pool list. Make your own friends who like you for who you are. No need to hang out with fair weather friends! You don't have to get your point across. Just don't be available for pool dates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I'd respond by replying to their email with "Hey, we're doing well. Gosh, it's been so long since we've last seen each other. Probably since last summer when you came over to swim. We'd love to get together. How about a play date at the park? Yes, the pool is open, we've been swimming every day" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 We don't have a pool, but I've noticed there are more than a few people who are always ready to come over to our house (or drop their kids off-I seem to get a lot of parents who want me to be a drop-off babysitter, but explain it as "DC wants to come play with DD-I'll drop him off at 2:00, OK?")to play in DD's Lego room-but never reciprocate or are willing to do anything else. DD has specifically asked friends over for some specific, other reason, declared up front, and had the friend blow her off to go build in the Lego room. I can easily imagine getting that with a pool, only worse :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Our family's (mostly for DH and DD4, who was seemingly born with fins) big Christmas gift this past year involved putting in a lap pool in our basement. Our outdoor pool is much bigger, and much cooler for general play but technically we do have swimming options year round. I was always taught that it was impolite to hint around for an invite much less invite yourself over and most of our friends and our children's friends share this view. Of course, there are exceptions. In general if these hinting or begging "friends" aren't actually friends with one or more of our children we just extend courtesy and kindness but don't invite them to come swim. We also don't generally allow children who can't, or won't, follow our basic safety rules to swim (or spend much time at our house). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 :grouphug: I had "friends" like in jr high because my mother picked me up from school instead of walking the two miles home. and I agree - you are under no obligation to entertain anyone you don't wish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Ugh. My FAMILY does this. We live near touristy activities and visiting us often means they expect a free bed and breakfast for their vacation. I swear my own mother brings grandchildren (that she sees every day) up here to do fun things and visiting my kids is almost an afterthought. It's maddening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I would invite them to do something else with you and see what their response is. Then if they conveniently can't make it to any other type of get together I'd tell them exactly how I felt about their rudeness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Ugh. My FAMILY does this. We live near touristy activities and visiting us often means they expect a free bed and breakfast for their vacation. I swear my own mother brings grandchildren (that she sees every day) up here to do fun things and visiting my kids is almost an afterthought. It's maddening. I can relate. Not so much with immediate family - but cousins and "friends" from back home who want to visit. I don't even mind being a bed and breakfast - I mind being chauffeur and tour guide to the tune of a couple thousand dollars in food, gas, attraction tickets every time someone wants to visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 His mother's response? No one came to swim at their house unless they were true friends throughout the other 9 months of the year. She would tell people we'd love to get together, how about park/movies/something other than the pool. People's motives were shown pretty quickly. this sounds like a great idea - reply with something like this and maybe they will start seeing you as a friend to get together with for non-pool activities and will start including you during the non-pool season. If not, you'll know their true colors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I don't know. You have an opportunity to be gracious and be a blessing to others. Do you enjoy being around people? Do you have pleasant conversations with them when you do find yourselves together? Doesn't seem like a big deal to invite folks over for a pool party. Build some relationships. Build some memories. Try to connect with them beyond just having a pool. We live in Oregon. It rains a lot. People here compress a lot of living into the short summer months. We see people way more during that small stretch of time than during the rest of the year. You might be happier sharing a good experience with others than dwelling on past slights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Oh, Ali in OR is so much nicer than me! I'd probably say something like, "Let me get this straight. I asked for play dates three times over the winter and you made an excuse every time. But now that my pool's open you want to be friends?" And see what they say. Either they'll be horribly embarrassed and apologize, or they'll get defensive. But I'm terrible about beating around the bush with people who are supposed to be friends. Frenemies, maybe, but not friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 You know, I have another take on this. You could invite the people who've mentioned it, let them swim, have the kids play, and visit with the parents. This may be a great way for you and your family to cultivate some friendships. Kids grow and change so much over the school year that it could be that the children all get along well now, and that you and the moms have stuff in common. IOW, why not open it up, ask people to bring snacks, and enjoy some summer fun. Who knows, it very well may bleed over into fall! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 No advice, but I have to say this may be the first time I've seen "fair weather friends" used literally rather than metaphorically. :) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 If you lived close to me, we'd be your friends year round! I have a 6 yo and a 3 yo too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I can relate. Not so much with immediate family - but cousins and "friends" from back home who want to visit. I don't even mind being a bed and breakfast - I mind being chauffeur and tour guide to the tune of a couple thousand dollars in food, gas, attraction tickets every time someone wants to visit. Wait--do you actually drive people around who invite themselves to your home, pay for their/your food and your gas, and for their/your tickets? If you drive them, they could give you gas money or treat you to the ticket place or pay for meals. Not being snarky--but why wouldn't you tell them where the nearest car rental agency is, and ATMs so they can take themselves to places? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 You must have a heated pool! We didn't get that many people inviting themselves to our unheated, above-ground pool. You had to be a true friend (and enjoy cooler water) to join us for a swim in our pool! :laugh: Though this is Canada I'm referring to, and perhaps cool water would be a blessing in some southern US locations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 If they seemed like decent people, just absent-minded about all the other missed play dates, I might do like Ali in OR suggested. If they are total twits, and are using you for your pool and not interested in anything else, I'd probably tell them the dog went diarrhea in the pool. Followed by the toddler the next week. And so forth, until they get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I can relate. Not so much with immediate family - but cousins and "friends" from back home who want to visit. I don't even mind being a bed and breakfast - I mind being chauffeur and tour guide to the tune of a couple thousand dollars in food, gas, attraction tickets every time someone wants to visit. I think you should establish rules for future visits. You will likely need to retrain returning visitors. I "vacation" at my godmother's home. She lives alone and wants people to visit. She requests you send her your dates as soon as you know so she can tell you if there's a conflict with another visitor. During my visit in April she requested my dates for next year. She expects her visitors to provide their own transportation--I drive, but if I flew or took the train I would rent a car. I could not ask her to drive me and my dc around. That's just ridiculous. She expects her visitors to make their own day time plans. She has tour books and brochures of the area for people to look at and plan if they have not planned before arriving. Besides being less energetic due to age, she lives there, so she's already seen the place, why does she need to see it again every time someone comes. She does stock basics for breakfast, but we bring our own since we are gluten free. She doesn't make breakfast. She likes to drink coffee and chat while we make and eat our own. She likes to eat one dinner with guests. Other than that we make our own and clean up after ourselves. Lunch is definitely on our own. She likes to visit with guests a little in the evening. We vacuum the area where we sleep and wash all bed linens and towels before we leave. As you can see, I understand the boundaries at godmother's house. You need to establish what boundaries will work for visitors to your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I think it's pretty nervy to start asking if your pool is open for the summer, if they never have time to spend with you the rest of the year. Maybe you should ask them if their grill is up and running and ask when you can come over for dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I wouldn't invite them over to swim. You tried doing that in the past, hoping it would help cultivate real friendships, but it didn't work. I wouldn't give them the chance to do it again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Oh, Ali in OR is so much nicer than me! I'd probably say something like, "Let me get this straight. I asked for play dates three times over the winter and you made an excuse every time. But now that my pool's open you want to be friends?" And see what they say. Either they'll be horribly embarrassed and apologize, or they'll get defensive. But I'm terrible about beating around the bush with people who are supposed to be friends. Frenemies, maybe, but not friends. I'd be EXTREMELY tempted to respond like this were I in your situation! :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camelfeet Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 If your kids are oblivious to the fair-weather status of their "friends" and still want the kids over, then I'd be tempted to invite them over individually (not more than one family at a time) to act as entertainment for my own children. The worst that could happen is that your kids get playmates for the day and never see the kids again until next summer. The best that could happen is that you actually click with a family given the 1-1 exposure and develop deeper friendships that go beyond the summer. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face... see it as an opportunity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Invite whoever you want to invite. If you don't look forward to spending time with the people, don't invite them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Amazingly nervy! Some of these responses are great! Be careful you don't accidentally give them an opening - "Oh, diarrhea doesn't bother us! Little Joey has had -something gross and communicable- for years! We'll be right over!" "Sure! Come over! Big Bob just bought a while freezer full of meat from a guy who was just driving by in a pick-up truck, if you can believe it! You come here for dinner Tuesday nights at 8:30 and we'll come over every weekday between 10 and 4." Cut off all contact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I've been thinking about this more and I think the correct way to handle it would be to have them over then find a way to joke or tease them about it so that in an offhand way they get the message that the behavior was definitely not acceptable. This would be very tricky though, you'd have to have genuinely forgiven them or be a very good actress to say it in the right tone. I think I'd be too angry to pull it off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 When we had a pool. our rule was that if the child was not hanging out with our kids throughout the year, then the child was only an acquaintance and not a friend. I just simply said, "I'm sorry. We haven't seen you all year long and really do not know you or your parents very well and our rule is that only the people we know very well can swim in our pool since there are safety issues to consider." The reality is if I didn't know the parents quite well and had a good bead on that child's behavior, the last thing I wanted was for them to be in our pool. It's a big liability and kids that aren't hanging around at other times may not be trustworthy to follow the rules you set. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 When we had a pool. our rule was that if the child was not hanging out with our kids throughout the year, then the child was only an acquaintance and not a friend. I just simply said, "I'm sorry. We haven't seen you all year long and really do not know you or your parents very well and our rule is that only the people we know very well can swim in our pool since there are safety issues to consider." The reality is if I didn't know the parents quite well and had a good bead on that child's behavior, the last thing I wanted was for them to be in our pool. It's a big liability and kids that aren't hanging around at other times may not be trustworthy to follow the rules you set. I think it's parents asking the OP, her kids are young; I guess you had a parental version of this as well? See, I know this is a perfectly reasonable response, but I would sure have a hard time saying it, lol. Kudos to you for being polite and straightforward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I think it's parents asking the OP, her kids are young; I guess you had a parental version of this as well? See, I know this is a perfectly reasonable response, but I would sure have a hard time saying it, lol. Kudos to you for being polite and straightforward. Yes, my I did have a parental response. I just stated that pools are fun but also represent a definite hazard and liability so I only invited families that we personally knew very well to swim in our pool. They never questioned it. I'm sure I was considered the neighborhood "b" at the time, however I really didn't care because it was important to establish strong boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 The nerve of some people! I am sorry! I would not let them over. I like the suggestion of offering another place. Maybe just say your children spend so much time in the pool they are looking to get out so how about a park day? :lol: Then if they do that a few times maybe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I wasn't at all surprised by it. When we had a pool, people showed up and we enjoyed the summer. After summer we rarely saw certain people. I wasn't surprised. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Our neighbors have a pool. My kids are never allowed to fish for an invitation even though the kids play together year round. Today they were all at our house playing with a hose and slip n slide. Many times they do go swimming when it is nice enough. I just don't want my kids to forget that we are not friends with people because of what they have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoundAbout Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I would invite them over for my children's sake and work on building more lasting relationships. OTOH, I would turn it into a potluck to make it clear that this is not a free alternative to joining the YMCA. Something like "Come on over, we will provide the pool and toys but please bring something for the grill or a dish to share." Anyone with a decent sense of manners would offer this anyway, but sometimes you have to spell it out for people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I think FaithManor's response would blend well with the 'meet somewhere else' approaches. You could say, "We don't have people over to swim unless we know them well and are sure that the children can play together responsibly. You've been very busy throughout the year. Perhaps we can meet at the park a few times and get to know each other better?" We've experienced a fairly serious pool accident (anesthetic, stitches, 2 days in hospital) with kids 'just playing' so I do think it's very important to have a good sense of which children will follow rules and which will need continued one-on-one supervision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I think FaithManor's response would blend well with the 'meet somewhere else' approaches. You could say, "We don't have people over to swim unless we know them well and are sure that the children can play together responsibly. You've been very busy throughout the year. Perhaps we can meet at the park a few times and get to know each other better?" We've experienced a fairly serious pool accident (anesthetic, stitches, 2 days in hospital) with kids 'just playing' so I do think it's very important to have a good sense of which children will follow rules and which will need continued one-on-one supervision. And which parents will understand that sometimes accidents happen and which will make even a skinned knee an insurance issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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