Is it unheard of.... (birthday party/present etiquette)

[AimeeM]

... to NOT have the birthday child open gifts at the party? We celebrate Nico's 5th birthday next weekend (*sob* - he is getting so OLD, lol). We have, last count, over 40 people coming, and a fair number of them young-ish children.

 

At his last party, present time was chaos.

 

Nico loves to share :P I love it - except when I don't. A couple other children wanted to help him open gifts, he was all "the more, the merrier!". You can guess what happened - we had kids throwing around presents, playing roughly with new toys, etc.

 

Is it always good etiquette to open gifts are parties, or is it okay to do that later, after most of the guests leave?

[Arcadia]

So far none of the birthday parties my family attended had the birthday child open the presents at the party. Presents were opened later when everyone has left. I'm in Silicon Valley anyway in case it is regional etiquette.

[eternalsummer]

We went to a birthday party for a 2nd grader once where they did this (didn't open presents at the party), and it was *awesome*

 

I don't know a single kid who likes to watch someone else open 20 presents.  It's boring, and small kids suck at sitting anyway, especially after birthday cake.  I fully plan to do this at all future non-family-only birthday parties.

 

The way she put it (the mom) was that they wanted to give the kids all the time they could at the main activity (the skating rink).

 

You can maybe put up a sign at the present table that says, "Thanks for the gifts!  To give everyone as much time to enjoy the festivities as possible, [kid] will open presents later tonight.  Enjoy the party!"  Just so you don't get a million questions about it.  Or you could just say nothing, it worked at the party we went to.

[SKL]

One of my best friends does not have the kids open gifts at the party.  He's from a different culture, but I think it makes a lot of sense.  Why have all the other kids salivating over stuff that is not theirs?  In that culture the birthday person treats the guests, not the other way around (but obviously, for kids, you bring something!).

 

I don't like gift opening at parties.  Not sure if I would do it that way or not, since my kids have not had a birthday party since they were 1yo (and those were no-gift parties).

[AimeeM]

So far none of the birthday parties my family attended had the birthday child open the presents at the party. Presents were opened later when everyone has left. I'm in Silicon Valley anyway in case it is regional etiquette.

 

That's neat! I'm in the south (if it makes a difference). I've never been to a party where gifts WEREN'T opened at a party :(

[Lurker]

I'm in the south (NC) and no one opens presents at the party, here.

[eternalsummer]

I think it's weird to open gifts in front of the whole party, too, and that one party I went to was the exception, the only party I ever felt comfortable with (every other party I've ever been to, probably 50+, gifts were opened at the party).  We're in MO and I grew up in TX, maybe it is a regional thing.

[Kerileanne99]

I never have had my kid open gifts at her parties. I have to say I have gotten a fair mix of comments, some surprise and upset (but little Susy wanted to watch to see the reaction!) and a lot of appreciation.

 

I honestly find it more rude for kids to open all the gifts at the party. Most children that I have watched are so overwhelmed and excited by the sheer gluttony of it all that they are NOT appropriately reacting. Perfunctory thanks and a scramble for the next gift...and it becomes a popularity contest over whose parents forked out the most cash:(

 

The last two years I took pictures as my kiddo unwrapped gifts from her friends (after guests were gone!), printed them, and included one in the corresponding thank you cards. That way the friends got to see her face and it personalized the thank you. I have had overwhelmingly positive responses to this:)

[OneStepAtATime]

I have attended both types of birthday parties.  Honestly, the ones where the gifts weren't opened until later were the easiest, by far.  The party was so much smoother and the kids didn't have time to get overly restless.  However,  I know that when we have done it that way ourselves one year there were a couple of parents who asked us if we could go ahead and open the one their child brought so they could see it being opened. When asked we complied, usually quietly after everyone else was off playing.

[AimeeM]

I'm just not sure how to word of it. Most of those attending are family members and they all want to see him open their gifts :(

[JadeOrchidSong]

We specifically request that guests (outside the family) bring no gifts for my boys' birthday parties. I have a couple friends who do the same. It is much easier for all people involved. Gifts are only from mom, dad, and grandparents that are given at another time, not at the party when children are invited.

[zoobie]

That's neat! I'm in the south (if it makes a difference). I've never been to a party where gifts WEREN'T opened at a party :(

Native Atlantan here. Other than 1st birthday parties with family/close friends, I've never been to a kid party where gifts were opened at the party. At least 50% of ours tend to be no gift parties as well. I'm hyperventilating a little at the thought of 40+ thank you notes and dealing with all of that stuff! ;)

[nd293]

I prefer that the children don't open gifts at the party. There are several reasons, but for me personally, especially with younger kids, the winner is that it saves us from the embarrassment of dealing with varying degrees of enthusiasm for different gifts!

[Cammie]

Here in India kids never open the gifts during the party.  Today was my son's bday.  He opened family gifts in the morning.  We are having an afternoon party.  He will open the gifts from the friends after the party.  The only problem I have encountered is that at a birthday party, if they don't do thank you notes, you might never have confirmation that the child got the gift and that it didn't go missing.

[In2why]

I do not like parties where kids open gifts either.   We do it when they are small and it is just close family, but once they get to the point we have guests who aren't family we wait until later.  I think opening the gifts became popular when people stopped writing thank you notes routinely.  And I get that, if you thank them in person as you open the gift there really isn't a point to a thank you.card or note.  

[HSmomof2]

I've seen it done both ways here....we just had Dd's birthday party, and she opened her gifts at the party. Her friends would have been disappointed for her not to open them. But, dd is 9, and she only had 8 girls at her party. In your situation, with younger kids and 40 people, I definitely think waiting to open presents is a good plan. :)

[Seeking Squirrels]

I have never been to a party where the kid didn't open the gifts. I didn't even realize this was an option. I always feel so awkward during that part of DD's parties. Grandma and nana give their presents then too and they're usually over the top. I would love to save presents for later. I just don't want to offend anyone expecting to see her open their gift. We've been to parties for most who will come to hers and they open at the party, so I'd guess it's expected. Unless we're all doing it because it's expected and we'd all love to stop...

[katilac]

I'm just not sure how to word of it. Most of those attending are family members and they all want to see him open their gifts :(

 

It doesn't have to be utter chaos. Have a place for the birthday kid to sit that is a bit separate from the crowd - something elevated, like a small table, works nicely for everyone to see and for having a visual barrier. Have someone designated to gently wrangle any kids jumping in (although the separate seating really helps a LOT with this). Have another person designated to take the gifts as they are opened. It's perfectly fine to place them to the side and not play with them at the party! 

 

Life is also easier if you don't insist or make a big deal about all of the kids watching. If they want to play while he opens gifts, by all means allow it. Or choose this time to give out goody bags, or have them eat cake or do a simple craft while watching. 

 

Alternately, you might have him open each person's gift as they arrive. It spreads it out a little, and it's easier for him to see who gave what. 

 

When we were on the birthday party circuit, there were generally quite a few kids who had picked out the gift, made a card, or actually made the gift. It's naturally a big disappointment if they don't see it opened. In this case, you seem to know they all want to see him open his gifts, so I'd simply have a plan in place to lessen the chaos. You can have some 'rules and regulations' while still being polite and friendly! 

[Laura Corin]

In China, in my experience, you always thank the guest for his gift then lay it aside.  It took a bit of getting used to, but now I like it - less comparing between more opulent presents and more simple ones.

 

L

[TheAttachedMama]

We don't open presents at parties sometimes.  Sometimes it goes over BETTER because the kids have short attention spans.  Just make sure and write thank you notes and I think you will be fine!  :)

[bettyandbob]

I've seen it done both ways here and I've done it both ways. It's been years since I had a party, but we always had planned enough entertainment that present opening was not really needed as part of party events. 

 

I like not opening presents. As Laura said it prevents comparisons. Oldest ds had a party at 5. At the time he was attending daycare and there were a few kids who received govt subsidy for their fees. One of the children brought a present he had made with his mother. Some of the kids were very well off and parents brought elaborate presents. In private, I was embarrassed to see the elaborate presents. I would have hated the home made present to be opened next so something expensive. 

 

 

[retiredHSmom]

I guess I will be one of the few voices of dissent here. My sister keeps pulling this no opening the gifts at the party thing and I hate it.

 

Yes, it is hard for the guests to watch someone else getting gifts, but that is an important skill to learn. We are not always the center of attention. And birthday child who is the center of attention does need to learn to be grateful and polite. I know that our children's behavior may mortifying us at times, but if it doesn't what motivates us to teach them to be better?

 

Finally and maybe most important, my child has worked hard to select a gift for your child. He deserves to see that your child is happy and appreciative. By the time my child begins receiving allowance at age 8 he is paying for a potion of that gift. He is excited to give it.

 

Now, that said, we have opened gifts as the guests arrived at big parties that would be chaotic and while the wrapping paper was removed we left the gifts in packaging until after the party to avoid broken and lost pieces.

[J-rap]

I've never been to a party where gifts have NOT been opened with the guests around.  I know personally that it makes my extended family happy to be able to watch my children open presents from them and be excited!  Also, it is my experience that most children enjoy watching present-opening -- especially the present that THEY picked out of course.  I think it makes one (even children) feel happy to see the special gift they picked out, opened and appreciated. 

 

I should add, however, that we never had more than ten children at a party, and we usually had a separate, smaller celebration (like a nice dinner at home) with grandma and grandpa and an aunt and uncle who happened to be around, and then the "kids party" with young friends at another time.  My son never cared much for typical kid parties, so for him we usually had a big picnic where we invited all of the extended relatives, by a lake.  It was usually 30 - 40 people, but only a few people would bring gifts. 

 

I wonder if you could do the present-opening at the very end, so that the children can go outside and play if they want to, and even relatives have the option to leave since the party is mostly over.

 

 

[marbel]

I guess I will be one of the few voices of dissent here. My sister keeps pulling this no opening the gifts at the party thing and I hate it.

 

Yes, it is hard for the guests to watch someone else getting gifts, but that is an important skill to learn. We are not always the center of attention. And birthday child who is the center of attention does need to learn to be grateful and polite. I know that our children's behavior may mortifying us at times, but if it doesn't what motivates us to teach them to be better?

 

Finally and maybe most important, my child has worked hard to select a gift for your child. He deserves to see that your child is happy and appreciative. By the time my child begins receiving allowance at age 8 he is paying for a potion of that gift. He is excited to give it.

 

Now, that said, we have opened gifts as the guests arrived at big parties that would be chaotic and while the wrapping paper was removed we left the gifts in packaging until after the party to avoid broken and lost pieces.

 

I agree with this.  Maybe this is something that is changing, but when I was going to birthday parties as a kid, I never encountered a party where gifts were not opened.  It was fun and exciting for us to watch, and we all wanted to see the birthday kid's reaction to our gifts.

 

When my kids were little and went to parties, they also enjoyed and expected their gifts to be opened.  They enjoyed watching it and seeing the different gifts. They didn't think it was unfair - it wasn't their birthday!  They did have one friend whose mom would  not open gifts and they were always disappointed.  They wanted to see the person's reaction to their gift! 

 

Now, I have to say, I have never, ever seen such chaos as described in the OP, such as other kids coming to help out, new toys being thrown around and played with, etc. 

 

I do remember though that kids' parties tended to be fairly small - a guideline I have read and seen followed is one guest per year of child's age, give a take a guest or two.  Family parties were usually separate.   So there were not vast numbers of gifts and opening did not take a long time.  And the kids were easy to control.

 

I would imagine a party with 40 guests could be overwhelming for a 5 year old to be the center of attention, and that's a lot of gifts to open.  So it makes sense not to open the gifts at such a large party.   I would think that you would just leave the gifts aside and if people ask, tell them they will be opened after the party.   If family members are upset, well, there is nothing you can do about that.

 

 

 

 

 

[momto10blessings]

My kids have been to several birthday parties where the child does not open presents until after guests leave.

[Lilaclady]

My kids don't open their gifts at parties. I want the kids to have fun and not worry over which gift is better. I have had some parents say they were expecting gifts to be opened but I always say we open the gifts later. I make sure when we are opening the gifts to write down who sent what so my kids can write an appropriate thank you card.

[shawthorne44]

I never have had my kid open gifts at her parties. I have to say I have gotten a fair mix of comments, some surprise and upset (but little Susy wanted to watch to see the reaction!) and a lot of appreciation.

 

I honestly find it more rude for kids to open all the gifts at the party. Most children that I have watched are so overwhelmed and excited by the sheer gluttony of it all that they are NOT appropriately reacting. Perfunctory thanks and a scramble for the next gift...and it becomes a popularity contest over whose parents forked out the most cash:(

 

The last two years I took pictures as my kiddo unwrapped gifts from her friends (after guests were gone!), printed them, and included one in the corresponding thank you cards. That way the friends got to see her face and it personalized the thank you. I have had overwhelmingly positive responses to this:)

 

I am totally stealing that idea

[KungFuPanda]

I've seen it both ways. I think it's more and more common to open the presents once guests have left. We've only opened them at small family parties (immediate family and grandma) and sleepovers with older kids.

[AMJ]

That's neat! I'm in the south (if it makes a difference). I've never been to a party where gifts WEREN'T opened at a party :(

We lived in northern Illinois (do NOT pronounce the "s", please) when I was a kid, and presents were opened at parties there, too (much to my dismay). At my 10th birthday party as each present was opened it was promptly passed around for "admiring", and by the time the party was over close to half of my presents were destroyed through playing.

 

Who in their right minds would give a kid a ceramic frog bank suspended on a long spring? I got to hold that all of 2 seconds before my friends smacked it into the floor. It shattered immediately.

 

Personally I would have been happier with being allowed to invite one or two friends every year instead of a big party every other year. However, it wouldn't do for one mom to be seen as shirking her hostess duties by not hosting a big party for the kids at least once a year. "Big" meaning in invitations sent, not in extravagance. One must invite at least a dozen kids.

 

I wonder if the thing with opening presents at parties might be a U.S. thing, a North American thing, or a "Western" culture thing?

[poppy]

It's unusual for presents at parties here where I live (Boston).

I prefer not opening at the party.

If relatives don't like it, oh well.

Just make sure to send a good thank you note!

[AMJ]

I've seen it done both ways here and I've done it both ways. It's been years since I had a party, but we always had planned enough entertainment that present opening was not really needed as part of party events.

 

I like not opening presents. As Laura said it prevents comparisons. Oldest ds had a party at 5. At the time he was attending daycare and there were a few kids who received govt subsidy for their fees. One of the children brought a present he had made with his mother. Some of the kids were very well off and parents brought elaborate presents. In private, I was embarrassed to see the elaborate presents. I would have hated the home made present to be opened next so something expensive.

My kids at times have begged and pleaded to be allowed to buy a particular gift they knew their friend would like, but was costly. I explained to them each time that if we needed to also consider the feelings of the recipient, and if our gift is too expensive they would feel uncomfortable. In one case we grouped together with others to buy the gift in question (though that was in a cousin's case, where grouping was easy to manage).

[AimeeM]

We're doing our thrice yearly cook out - we have one for every child's birthday party. So, luckily, it'll be outside (weather permitting; if the weather is bad, please pray for us, lol).

Most of the guests bring gifts, but I am inclined to mention that several are large family groups (mom, dad, several children, etc), so it isn't like he'll have to open 40 gifts

I've never been to a party where gifts have NOT been opened with the guests around.  I know personally that it makes my extended family happy to be able to watch my children open presents from them and be excited!  Also, it is my experience that most children enjoy watching present-opening -- especially the present that THEY picked out of course.  I think it makes one (even children) feel happy to see the special gift they picked out, opened and appreciated. 

 

I should add, however, that we never had more than ten children at a party, and we usually had a separate, smaller celebration (like a nice dinner at home) with grandma and grandpa and an aunt and uncle who happened to be around, and then the "kids party" with young friends at another time.  My son never cared much for typical kid parties, so for him we usually had a big picnic where we invited all of the extended relatives, by a lake.  It was usually 30 - 40 people, but only a few people would bring gifts. 

 

I wonder if you could do the present-opening at the very end, so that the children can go outside and play if they want to, and even relatives have the option to leave since the party is mostly over.

 

[ktgrok]

We specifically request that guests (outside the family) bring no gifts for my boys' birthday parties. I have a couple friends who do the same. It is much easier for all people involved. Gifts are only from mom, dad, and grandparents that are given at another time, not at the party when children are invited.

 

That's how we do it too. 

[Starr]

It's your family. I'm guessing you'll be opening presents at the party. :D There are some good suggestions for crowd control here. I think it's lovely that your ds is happy sharing.

[AimeeM]

We didn't realize it was going to be about 40, lol. Most of the list is family traveling in for the party from out of state - DS' friends are made up of cousins and second cousins. It seemed like less when we were grouping them by family (C and family, D and family, etc), then we started adding up each individual person and WHAM, lol!

We have no local family, and the family is so spaced, that birthday parties are often the only time they get together.

My main concern are the littles who are too young to understand gifts, birthday parties, etc.

I agree with this.  Maybe this is something that is changing, but when I was going to birthday parties as a kid, I never encountered a party where gifts were not opened.  It was fun and exciting for us to watch, and we all wanted to see the birthday kid's reaction to our gifts.

 

When my kids were little and went to parties, they also enjoyed and expected their gifts to be opened.  They enjoyed watching it and seeing the different gifts. They didn't think it was unfair - it wasn't their birthday!  They did have one friend whose mom would  not open gifts and they were always disappointed.  They wanted to see the person's reaction to their gift! 

 

Now, I have to say, I have never, ever seen such chaos as described in the OP, such as other kids coming to help out, new toys being thrown around and played with, etc. 

 

I do remember though that kids' parties tended to be fairly small - a guideline I have read and seen followed is one guest per year of child's age, give a take a guest or two.  Family parties were usually separate.   So there were not vast numbers of gifts and opening did not take a long time.  And the kids were easy to control.

 

I would imagine a party with 40 guests could be overwhelming for a 5 year old to be the center of attention, and that's a lot of gifts to open.  So it makes sense not to open the gifts at such a large party.   I would think that you would just leave the gifts aside and if people ask, tell them they will be opened after the party.   If family members are upset, well, there is nothing you can do about that.

 

 

[catz]

I've been to both.  I prefer NOT to do presents at the party.  I think it's boring for the kids to watch.  I would just warn people as they come in "Thank you!  We'll put that away for Johnny to open later."  and then put the presents out of sight.  If you have someone really excited to watch, maybe they could stay a couple minutes at the end (this happened at one birthday party we had). 

 

We've also had no gift parties at larger events.  We actually do this if my kids want an event larger than about 3-4 kids. 

[Library Momma]

Where I live kid's don't open gifts at parties.  The only time I see someone opening presents is at a shower.

 

Gifts are not required at birthday parties, and it is rude to guests to open them on the chance that someone did not bring a gift (not that I've ever known that to that happen).  Showers on the other hand are about the gifts so that is a different story.  At least that is the etiquette most people I know follow.  I'm sure things are different all over.

 

[marbel]

We didn't realize it was going to be about 40, lol. Most of the list is family traveling in for the party from out of state - DS' friends are made up of cousins and second cousins. It seemed like less when we were grouping them by family (C and family, D and family, etc), then we started adding up each individual person and WHAM, lol!

We have no local family, and the family is so spaced, that birthday parties are often the only time they get together.

My main concern are the littles who are too young to understand gifts, birthday parties, etc.

 

I think you are fine to do it the way you think will work best.  But to bolded: IF you end up opening gifts because of family pressure, the mamas and daddies of those little ones should attend to them by distracting them, or holding them and explaining that "when it is your birthday, you will get the presents!" 

 

 

[yucabird]

There are enormous economic differences here.  One birthday a daughter got an expensive LEGO set from someone and a pencil and candy bar from someone else.  Both were heartfelt gifts.  I think there is potential for embarrassment, so if it can be avoided my girls don’t open gifts.  (I have had mothers make sure the contents of their packages were seen.)      

[QueenCat]

I'm just not sure how to word of it. Most of those attending are family members and they all want to see him open their gifts :(

 

I really can understand them wanting to see him open the gifts. They spent time and money finding what they think is a great gift for him. I've never seen it where the gifts weren't opened at the party. I know I want, even as an adult, to see the gift I bought opened. Why? I love seeing the person's reaction to what we've spent time and money on in our effort to find the birthday person something special. We expend effort, whether spend $10 or $100, and enjoy seeing the recipient open the gift.

[QueenCat]

 

Finally and maybe most important, my child has worked hard to select a gift for your child. He deserves to see that your child is happy and appreciative. By the time my child begins receiving allowance at age 8 he is paying for a potion of that gift. He is excited to give it.

 

 

 

My sentiments exactly.

[Taz007]

I once attended a birthday party where a little boy, 6 years old, opened his gift and exclaimed (loudly), "I don't like this!". This cemented my long-held resolution to never open gifts at our parties.

[Word Nerd]

Where I live kid's don't open gifts at parties. The only time I see someone opening presents is at a shower.

 

Gifts are not required at birthday parties, and it is rude to guests to open them on the chance that someone did not bring a gift (not that I've ever known that to that happen).

It isn't rude just because it isn't a practice you're used to. Opening gifts at the party is very much the norm where I live and has been since I was a kid.

[QueenCat]

 

My main concern are the littles who are too young to understand gifts, birthday parties, etc.

 

This how they learn............. by example, showing them how it works. They may not completely get it, but over time, they will. And then they'll know what to do in other similar situations.

[QueenCat]

It isn't rude just because it isn't a practice you're used to. Opening gifts at the party is very much the norm where I live and has been since I was a kid.

 

It's been the norm everywhere I've lived (and places I've traveled to for parties) in the United States. And within many different "economic" classes as well (as in, I've been to b/day parties for children, whom are from the very wealthy and to those who are low income, and gift opening at the parties were practiced at all, so it's not a "class" thing). I've simply never been to a child's party where gifts weren't opened. I'm surprised that so many have.

[Taz007]

I really can understand them wanting to see him open the gifts. They spent time and money finding what they think is a great gift for him. I've never seen it where the gifts weren't opened at the party. I know I want, even as an adult, to see the gift I bought opened. Why? I love seeing the person's reaction to what we've spent time and money on in our effort to find the birthday person something special. We expend effort, whether spend $10 or $100, and enjoy seeing the recipient open the gift.

Is gift giving about the birthday child (person) or about the gift giver? I see a lot of "I want" and "I spent" and "I enjoy" in this post.

[AimeeM]

I kid you not when I tell you that one of middle DS' favorite gifts last year was a box of character shaped kraft macaroni from my best friend. She was short on cash, knows his love of processed things, knows I try not to buy it too often (she checked with me first - first jokingly, but I quite honestly told her he would love it), so she wrapped it up and gave it to him. Out of all his 4 year old presents, that one easily ranked top 3. He was SO excited.

For DD's 12th birthday, the same friend made a batch of wheat/gluten free chocolate/peanut balls and, again, it was a favorite gift. She so rarely gets homemade treats since her allergy diagnosis - especially at that time when I was still learning how to bake WF, lol.

Kids are so easy to please! I've honestly never seen the comparing of price ranges that I've seen some mention.

[J-rap]

We're doing our thrice yearly cook out - we have one for every child's birthday party. So, luckily, it'll be outside (weather permitting; if the weather is bad, please pray for us, lol).

Most of the guests bring gifts, but I am inclined to mention that several are large family groups (mom, dad, several children, etc), so it isn't like he'll have to open 40 gifts

 

I wish more of my kids had summer birthdays.  I love celebrating with a picnic or cook-out!  Hope your weather is nice.  :)

[zoobie]

Is gift giving about the birthday child (person) or about the gift giver? I see a lot of "I want" and "I spent" and "I enjoy" in this post.

That's a good point. My DS would never want a party if he had to be the center of attention and open presents in front of an audience. We had to be cautious of how we sang Happy Birthday for several years. :)

 

I didn't realize it was a family gathering. I was thinking 1.5 hr-2 hr kid party with activities and having to set aside half of that to open 40 gifts, like a shower!

[Dana]

We were at a 6 yo birthday party yesterday. They chose to open gifts later, so although there was a table of presents, they were opened at home. We're in the South.