Alcohol Etiquette Question (host and some guests drink, some guests don't drink)

[Veritaserum]

What's proper?  For the purposes of this scenario, none of the drinkers would be getting drunk.  They'd have a glass or two of wine or a couple of beers or something.

[marbel]

I voted that it's not rude.  I would qualify that - if I was inviting one person or couple over, and one or both of them were recovering alcoholics or otherwise had problems with it, I would not serve it.  But if the same people were coming over as part of a big group, I'd probably still offer it. 

 

My husband and I drink and most people we know do, but not all.  When people come over they either drink or don't, but we don't know the nondrinkers' reasons, whether they are religious, medical, philosophical, etc.   No one ever gets drunk here. 

[bettyandbob]

It's rude if the host does not have a selection of nonalcoholic beverages available. Dh and I go to a party every year where the host has a huge bar selection, but dh and I are scrounging around the kitchen searching for ice water. We love these people, but every year I think it so irresponsible to host a party where people must drive to attend and then make hard to find nonalcoholic beverages.

 

With regard to the guest who is recovering, I think people should be clear up front alcohol is bring served so that those who have sobriety issues that make bring in the presence of alcohol a problem can choose not to attend. If the host is throwing a party in honor of someone with sobriety issues, then host should not serve alcohol at all.

[JenneinCA]

I don't think it is rude, however, if you suspect it might be a problem for your guests, then telling them that alcohol would be served and letting them decide if they would like to attend makes sense,

 

I personally do not drink and would not be upset if there was alcohol served at a party, but it would be helpful to know that ahead of time so I can be mentally prepared for others to be drinking.

[Amira]

Of course it's not rude.  I personally abstain, but it would be rude for me to expect anyone else to do the same. The only time I can think of where it would be rude to serve alcohol was in the pp's example of throwing a party for someone with sobriety issues. I expect alcohol to be served at pretty much any social event I go to unless it's hosted by Mormons or Muslims, and that's not even a strict rule.

[Jane in NC]

My husband drinks alcohol but sometimes he is on call for work.  He can attend social functions but he cannot drink.  No problem.  He has water, iced tea, whatever. Other people in our social circle operate similarly.  Some don't ever drink; some may not feel like drinking just because others are.

 

When a group of adults get together, I would like to see everyone's choices honored.

 

 

[LucyStoner]

I don't drink...milk. At all. Ever. You are welcome to drink your milk near me and even offer me some. It only becomes rude if, when I decline, you try to goad me into trying it or make fun of me for not partaking of the milk. You know because everyone is doing it and all. ;)

 

I think about the same is true for hard beverages. Unless the host is goading the teetotalers into imbibing, the host is not rude.

 

I do think hosts should have non-alcoholic options available.

[Loowit]

I don't think it is rude, however, if you know that some don't drink then alternative beverages should be available.  Also, I think it would be inconsiderate to invite over a recovering alcoholic that struggles around alcohol and then drink in front of them.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I don't see it being rude at all.

 

Only thing I think rude is when I'm pushed to drink. I'm not an alcoholic, religious, or anything. I just don't drink. At all. I've found that "people" almost take it personal. That's rude.

 

Hand me a soda/juice/water and move on. :)

[Dory]

I think the only time it's rude is when you know that the non-drinkers are recovering alcoholics. Knowingly putting a guest into a hard situation like that isn't polite. If it's just personal choice or lifestyle, than they are perfectly capable of saying no thank you. I've gone to plenty of places and not had a drink while others were drinking. I only felt it was rude when others pushed me to drink and didn't respect my choice not to.

[LostSurprise]

It's not rude, unless you personally know that the person/people do not attend alcoholic events for whatever reason (doesn't really matter what, if you know they don't attend then it's rude to invite them to an event that may be problematic for them). 

 

 

[DianeW88]

Not rude.  Unless there is a recovering alcoholic at the party, or you are pushing alcohol on those who do not choose to drink.  Otherwise, who cares?

[umsami]

I've always been a non-drinker…even before I joined a no-alcohol faith.

 

Not rude…but have non-alcoholic beverages available.  Yes, it may pose issues for some (DH does not like to attend parties where people are drinking), but if you let them know, they can make that choice.  Same goes for recovering alcoholics… a warning would be nice.

 

On a side note, I have been served alcohol on quite a few occasions even when requesting non-alcoholic versions (for example, at a Mexican restaurant…they had two versions of a limeade…one with rum, one without…I requested the one without).  It actually makes me wonder how many alcoholics deal with this as well.  I would think it could be truly troublesome for those who are trying to stay sober.

[poppy]

I think the only time it's rude is when you know that the non-drinkers are recovering alcoholics. Knowingly putting a guest into a hard situation like that isn't polite. If it's just personal choice or lifestyle, than they are perfectly capable of saying no thank you. I've gone to plenty of places and not had a drink while others were drinking. I only felt it was rude when others pushed me to drink and didn't respect my choice not to.

 

I don't agree, if former alcoholics were never invited to events with alcohol, they'd be shunned from weddings and many family events. Someone in active recovery, be very sensitive of course.

 

[vonfirmath]

Not at all rude. Our next door neighbors drink. My husband and I do not. Thankfully they always have soda available. If not, we'd bring our own or have water. I'm just thankful to be invited.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Not rude even if someone you invite is a recovering Alcoholic or of a strict religion, as long as you let them know before that there will be wine/beer.  It is your event, your house, your rules, if they choose not to attend because of the wine then that's fine.  If you want to make it up to them you could always invite them over for dinner "one on one". My parents were fundamentalist types when I was young and my aunt was a bit of a  drinker, they just left her gatherings early or gave their excuses.  Funny now because my aunt is very religious and my parents not so much any more.

[marbel]

Doesn't it go without saying that there would be other things to drink besides alcohol?  I have never been to any gathering anywhere that did not have alternatives to alcohol.  Certainly I offer them too.   Do people really have only beer, wine, whatever to drink?    Yikes.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Doesn't it go without saying that there would be other things to drink besides alcohol? I have never been to any gathering anywhere that did not have alternatives to alcohol. Certainly I offer them too. Do people really have only beer, wine, whatever to drink? Yikes.

Yes, they do. And when you attempt to be extremely polite and refuse, they dig a wine cooler out of the back of the fridge.

[Heidi]

It's not rude at all in the real world, but you're talking about Provo, UT, right? You could let your guests know there will be alcohol. I would suspect there would be some that would feel uncomfortable around it.

We throw parties fairly often (in the country, outside, around a bonfire kind of parties). We invite my dh's friends from work, who all drink responsibly when they are at our house, and we have pitched in with the alcohol, even though we don't drink (we're lds). If our friends from church also happen to be there, it does feel a bit awkward and we wonder if they are uncomfortable, but I can't muster up any more concern than that. It's *our* party. We do let them know ahead of time if we think of it.

But I also understand the concern. I grew up with an alcoholic step father and I do not tolerate being around drunks at all. I've also always been active lds. My dh had to assure me that his friends would not become drunk like my step father, and it did take a little while for me to be comfortable around it. Now I don't mind it at all.

[zoobie]

It would never cross my mind to warn guests ahead of time that there might be pork or shellfish or beef or... served at a gathering. I don't see why alcohol is any different.

[marbel]

Yes, they do. And when you attempt to be extremely polite and refuse, they dig a wine cooler out of the back of the fridge.

 

Whoa.  Seriously, I'm stunned.  I am almost 58 years old and I've never encountered that.   That is really rude!

[Joanne]

I think the only time it's rude is when you know that the non-drinkers are recovering alcoholics. Knowingly putting a guest into a hard situation like that isn't polite. to.

Recovering alcoholics can handle without issue being around normal, social drinking. If they can't - if they are in relapse but haven't drank, you can't stop OR accelerate the progression to drinking by your alcohol choices.

 

Recovery is not that precarious.

[Dory]

I don't agree, if former alcoholics were never invited to events with alcohol, they'd be shunned from weddings and many family events. Someone in active recovery, be very sensitive of course.

 

 

I wasn't saying not to invite them to parties or social gatherings. Those sort of large gathering/party type things are usually going to have alcohol involved and the recovering alcoholic would go into it normally aware of that. I was assuming she was meaning a smaller home setting, in which case, if you invite guests over that are recovering, the polite thing to do would be to make it comfortable for them.

[texasmama]

I don't think it is rude to serve alcohol in any of those situations as long as non alcoholic beverages are also available.

[MinivanMom]

It isn't rude . . . but . . . I assume that your guests would be members of a particular strict religion. If that is the case, then it would be considerate of you to let them know that alcohol will be served at the party. Then they can decide whether they want to come to the gathering or not.

[MinivanMom]

It's not rude at all in the real world, but you're talking about Provo, UT, right? You could let your guests know there will be alcohol. I would suspect there would be some that would feel uncomfortable around it.

We throw parties fairly often (in the country, outside, around a bonfire kind of parties). We invite my dh's friends from work, who all drink responsibly when they are at our house, and we have pitched in with the alcohol, even though we don't drink (we're lds). If our friends from church also happen to be there, it does feel a bit awkward and we wonder if they are uncomfortable, but I can't muster up any more concern than that. It's *our* party. We do let them know ahead of time if we think of it.

But I also understand the concern. I grew up with an alcoholic step father and I do not tolerate being around drunks at all. I've also always been active lds. My dh had to assure me that his friends would not become drunk like my step father, and it did take a little while for me to be comfortable around it. Now I don't mind it at all.

 

Okay, you said it much better than me.

 

I can't stop laughing over the phrase "real world".

 

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't drink...milk. At all. Ever. You are welcome to drink your milk near me and even offer me some. It only becomes rude if, when I decline, you try to goad me into trying it or make fun of me for not partaking of the milk. You know because everyone is doing it and all. ;)

 

I think about the same is true for hard beverages. Unless the host is goading the teetotalers into imbibing, the host is not rude.

 

I do think hosts should have non-alcoholic options available.

I agree. We attend and host large gatherings. There are usually two tubs with iced drinks and/or two coolers-one with alcoholic drinks and one with non-alcoholic drinks.

 

ETA: my community is *very* concerned with responsible drinking (one DUI and your career is over, you will be out of a job as soon as the UCMJ wheels can run, which is pretty quickly). There are always designated drivers, etc. I have literally *never* been to a party that *only* served alcohol.

[happypamama]

I think it would be rude in the following instances:

-a large percentage of the attendees are recovering alcoholics or otherwise are concerned about alcoholic tendencies or are non-drinkers for religious reasons or even possibly medical reasons (would depend on what those were)

-the person of honor is a recovering alcoholic or is seriously uncomfortable with alcoholic beverages (maybe -- my parents don't drink at all, personal preference, but if they were the guests of honor, eh, they might not care if my DH had a drink)

-the person of honor would normally drink something but is unable to do so temporarily, maybe -- for instance, a pregnant mom who normally enjoys a beer or two but who isn't going to while pregnant. If the group is small, it would be polite to skip the alcohol so as not to leave her out. (Likewise, in a small group, it would be polite, I think, to skip the desserts if someone couldn't have them because of diabetes or something.)

 

I generally don't drink, mainly because I don't really like alcohol very much, but also because I've been pregnant or nursing for over a decade straight, but I don't care if other people do. It didn't bother me at all when I got together with friends (only 3 or 4 of them) when I was pregnant and they had wine and I couldn't; I just shrugged and had more dessert instead. But I think it depends on the person who isn't drinking and how that person feels. I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong answer about what's rude.

 

Also, I think it's rude if you don't provide something for the non-drinkers.

[Veritaserum]

Yes, it's I am in a weird area of the country for those who consume alcohol. Alcohol is a major taboo for LDS/Mormons who observe the dietary restrictions. Some are unable to divorce an occasional glass of wine from full blown alcoholism. There's a general cultural fear of alcohol.

 

I was raised Mormon and was practicing LDS until a little over a year ago. Now I drink wine a couple of times a month. I'm having a small group of friends over (about 8 people all together). All are or were Mormon/LDS. About half of the guests observe the alcohol restriction (even though they are liberal/lax about other aspects of Mormonism). The other half would prefer to drink wine. One non-drinker expressed concern that she would feel pressured (none of the drinkers would pressure at all), but later said she was ok with it when I offered to serve sparkling juice as well.

 

I would like everyone to be comfortable and have a good time. None of us needs wine for that, but it is something some of us enjoy. This is a relaxed, girls' night out sort of thing. Beverages and food will be set out on the counter buffet-style. People will serve themselves and then sit down to chat.

[gardenmom5]

It's not rude at all in the real world, but you're talking about Provo, UT, right? You could let your guests know there will be alcohol. I would suspect there would be some that would feel uncomfortable around it.

We throw parties fairly often (in the country, outside, around a bonfire kind of parties). We invite my dh's friends from work, who all drink responsibly when they are at our house, and we have pitched in with the alcohol, even though we don't drink (we're lds). If our friends from church also happen to be there, it does feel a bit awkward and we wonder if they are uncomfortable, but I can't muster up any more concern than that. It's *our* party. We do let them know ahead of time if we think of it.

But I also understand the concern. I grew up with an alcoholic step father and I do not tolerate being around drunks at all. I've also always been active lds. My dh had to assure me that his friends would not become drunk like my step father, and it did take a little while for me to be comfortable around it. Now I don't mind it at all.

 

 dh's nephew had his wedding reception in a place where a bar was mandatory as part of the contract.  nephew and his wife had some coworkers who drank, but that bar was a loss for the facility. it was amusing in a way - and we felt kinda sorry for the very bored bartender.

 

I don't have a problem if the host serves alcohol, even though I don't drink.  (while I belong to a 'dry' religion, I chose not to drink before that.).  I would expect a gracious host to have desirable non-alcoholic alternatives available.  (without the guest having to go out of their way to ask for it either.)  I have been places where just looking for water was a hassle. 

 

I don't tolerate drunks, and we leave when people start getting drunk.

 

eta: I find those who pressure other's to drink are simply immature jerks.  most adults don't care either way - except alcoholics who are drinking tend to feel uncomfortable with those who don't drink because their drinking stands out more.

[Jackie]

...

 

One non-drinker expressed concern that she would feel pressured (none of the drinkers would pressure at all), but later said she was ok with it when I offered to serve sparkling juice as well.

 

...

 

 

I was going to suggest something like this, under the assumption that it was a socially mixed group of people. Back a zillion years ago, when I worked in a bar, I would sometimes have someone ask me to refill their cup with just Coke and no alcohol. We typically used a different (larger) cup for non-alcoholic drinks, but sometimes people would specifically request the non-alcoholic drink in the alcohol glasses so no one would question the self-pacing of their consumption. I noticed this most with those at the center of a celebration - I don't know how many times I watered down the drinks of a grateful birthday person who was having too many rounds bought for them.

 

I have had pregnant friends want a "pretty drink" without the alcohol. And even when I'm just having one couple over, someone has to drive home.

 

When I am going to the effort of planning a gathering, I try to provide non-alcoholic choices as high quality and appealing as the alcoholic ones. Designated drivers frequently appreciate the effort every bit as much as those who never drink.

[AimeeM]

We always have alcohol at our gatherings (yep - even beer at the birthday party barbeques, lol). There are several who do not drink, and we've never run into a problem there.

I'll caveat by saying that if I knew a recovering alcoholic were coming to the gathering, I wouldn't serve alcohol at that point.

[Catwoman]

Yes, it's I am in a weird area of the country for those who consume alcohol. Alcohol is a major taboo for LDS/Mormons who observe the dietary restrictions. Some are unable to divorce an occasional glass of wine from full blown alcoholism. There's a general cultural fear of alcohol.

I was raised Mormon and was practicing LDS until a little over a year ago. Now I drink wine a couple of times a month. I'm having a small group of friends over (about 8 people all together). All are or were Mormon/LDS. About half of the guests observe the alcohol restriction (even though they are liberal/lax about other aspects of Mormonism). The other half would prefer to drink wine. One non-drinker expressed concern that she would feel pressured (none of the drinkers would pressure at all), but later said she was ok with it when I offered to serve sparkling juice as well.

I would like everyone to be comfortable and have a good time. None of us needs wine for that, but it is something some of us enjoy. This is a relaxed, girls' night out sort of thing. Beverages and food will be set out on the counter buffet-style. People will serve themselves and then sit down to chat.

If the food and beverages will be set out on the counter buffet-style, I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with a few bottles of wine being there, along with the other options. No one could possible feel pressured to drink when they are serving themselves... and if they do, I think they have issues you don't need to worry about. ;)

[Veritaserum]

The wine I would like to serve is a mild (9%) white, so people probably wouldn't even be able to distinguish between it and sparkling juice once poured. :-)

[ssavings]

It seems to me that you are being very sensitive to your guest's needs, with offering sparkling juice and wine.  It's very kind of you. I hope you have a great get together. :-)

[Mandylubug]

I don't think it is rude. I think if someone is sensitive to alcohol being present, it is polite to give them a heads up. I will not tolerate drunks, though. We have a friend that thinks the party just gets started after the 6th beer. We had to be blunt with him and ask him to stop that behavior. We are casual drinkers, we have no issue with our children seeing responsible adults partaking in a drink but the moment you start acting a fool in front of my kids mama bear shows up.

 

Eta: naturally that is if I'm hosting. If someone else is I typically don't take my kids.

[jelbe5]

I'm recovering and I don't think it is rude to serve alcohol. I am responsible for myself. I will drink water, soda, etc. when we are somewhere where alcohol is served. When I got sober I did not expect the world to change for me; I figured I needed to strategize to take care of myself. We do not keep alcohol in our home and my dh may have a drink if we go out to dinner. But I am fine with going to events where alcohol is served.

[Catwoman]

The wine I would like to serve is a mild (9%) white, so people probably wouldn't even be able to distinguish between it and sparkling juice once poured. :-)

Don't over-think this. If you want to serve the wine, serve the wine. It's your home and your get-together, so you get to decide what will be served.

 

I think it's very sweet of you to not want to offend anyone, but it sounds like your plan will work for everyone, and only someone with incredibly extreme beliefs would even think to be upset about it -- and realistically, you can't please everyone all the time, anyway. No matter what you do, there's always someone, somewhere who will find fault with it -- so do what you think is best for the majority of your guests and don't give it another thought. :)

[Elisabet1]

We do not drink. We never drink. Our reasons are no ones business.

 

We go to parties where others drink. I would be horrified if others made any sort of assumptions about our choices to not drink and felt they should abstain for us. 

 

However, I am also horrified if I see people drink, and then get in the car and drive. But the company I am generally choosing to be around is pretty sedate and doesn't engage in that sort of thing(drunk driving), at least not that I have seen.

 

We never serve alcohol in our home. People who know us know that we do not drink. Likewise, we know most of our friends do partake. And if it bothered us that much, we would not go to their parties. But for me, it would bother me more if others did not serve it because they made assumptions about my choice to not drink and think they have to change things around me.

[Melissa in Australia]

I  do not drink alcohol. I do not have any problem with people around me having a drink. I personally do not serve alcohol. though I do occasionally cook with it. If I knew that there was a person who didn't drink for religious reasons I would make sure there was no alcohol being served or consumed at a gathering at my house. just as I made sure that no salami or ham was served when my ds19 had his Muslim friend visiting last month.

[Jennifer in MI]

Dh is a recovering alcoholic (25 years!) and if he found out that we were at a party and the host didn't serve alcohol because of that, he would be mortified!  He is responsible for his own actions.  

 

In the same way, I don't expect people to serve food that my ds can eat.  He has many allergies.  If they ask, fine.  If not, no biggie and it's not expected.

[73349]

DH and I don't drink at all or serve alcohol, but we are fine with other people drinking when we go to friends' houses.

 

I do have a vegetarian friend and don't serve meat when she visits. (She also has an allergy, but it is to something we don't buy anyway because of DS's intolerance to something related.) I don't think she'd be offended if we had meat, but I would want to have something besides salad for her anyway, so I just plan a vegetarian dinner for everyone.

[Truscifi]

We generally spend New Year's Eve with some friends who drink moderately. It is a fairly small gathering, usually 3-5 families. No one has more than a couple of drinks, but the host enjoys making fancy drinks for people. He learns a new drink every year. Also, the hostess is Jamaican and makes the traditional sorrel tea which has rum in it. Dh is a recovering alcoholic. The last two years I was either pregnant or nursing. Our hosts offered us the "kiddie version" of the sorrel tea and made us a fruity drink with seltzer so we wouldn't feel left out. That was extremely thoughtful of them and we both appreciated the effort, but we would have bee fine with just water or tea as well.

 

So yeah, not rude.

[regentrude]

I do not consider it rude. We drink wine with a nice dinner, and some of our friends do not - so they drink something else. They don't have an issue with that.

 

An entirely different issue is whether I, as the host, would choose to forgo serving alcohol in certain sensitive situations because I want my guests to feel comfortable:

I do not serve alcohol when I am hosting a group of undergraduates and some of them are underage.

I might not serve alcohol if I had a friend who was a recovering alcoholic struggling with seeing people drink (theoretical - I have no alcoholic friends).

I would not serve alcohol if most of my guests were devout Muslims and who might feel deeply uncomfortable - just as I am not wearing a skimpy mini dress when my guests are Muslim couples and the women wear the abaya.

 

[Guest]

I don't see it being rude at all.

 

Only thing I think rude is when I'm pushed to drink. I'm not an alcoholic, religious, or anything. I just don't drink. At all. I've found that "people" almost take it personal. That's rude.

 

Hand me a soda/juice/water and move on. :)

 

This is me.  While my friends don't personally do it, it happens around family.  They don't do it to dh as they know he is a recovering alcoholic.  But anyone else is game.  My ds is 22 and we have lived away from family since he was 13.  I can imagine the crap he will get when we move back there and he is asked to go out to the bars with his soon to be 21 yr old cousin.  Or offered a beer around the guys. He has chosen not to drink, and that is his choice.  But he is sure to get crap for it, which IMO is childish.

[HollyDay]

Over the 20+ years of our marriage, we have encountered various reactions to serving alcohol.  Our personal policy for our household is not to serve alcohol at any event unless the people in our home are overnight guests and do not have any reservations about a glass of wine or beer.  If a guest or guests will be driving, we do not  have any alcohol.  If a guest or guests has an issue, with respect to that guest, we do not serve alcohol. 

 

So, when do we?  Over night guests who enjoy a glass of wine or beer with a meal. 

 

 

[Haiku]

We love these people, but every year I think it so irresponsible to host a party where people must drive to attend and then make hard to find bonalcoholic beverages.

If you know that they do this, perhaps you could take your own beverages.

[poppy]

Over the 20+ years of our marriage, we have encountered various reactions to serving alcohol.  Our personal policy for our household is not to serve alcohol at any event unless the people in our home are overnight guests and do not have any reservations about a glass of wine or beer.  If a guest or guests will be driving, we do not  have any alcohol.  If a guest or guests has an issue, with respect to that guest, we do not serve alcohol. 

 

So, when do we?  Over night guests who enjoy a glass of wine or beer with a meal. 

 

What do you do if they request a 2nd glass?

[redsquirrel]

We drink alcohol on occasion and have it as an option at 'grown up' parties. We also have several good friends who are sober. They have always made it clear that their actions are their own and they do not want people to change their own behaviour due to them. Someone upthread used the word 'mortified' and I think that is how my friends would also respond.

[PrincessMommy]

Of course it's not rude.  I personally abstain, but it would be rude for me to expect anyone else to do the same. The only time I can think of where it would be rude to serve alcohol was in the pp's example of throwing a party for someone with sobriety issues. I expect alcohol to be served at pretty much any social event I go to unless it's hosted by Mormons or Muslims, and that's not even a strict rule.

 

This.  although I do know some conservative Protestant groups frown on drinking too. 

 

It's your function and they way you've presented it seems perfectly fine.  Enjoy yourself!