the response "I could never do that" from non-homeschoolers, pos or neg?

[lorisuewho]

About 90% of the time when someone finds out I homeschool I get the response, "I could never do that." And sometimes this is followed up with "But good for you."

 

First of all, I never announce we homeschool. It just is kinda of obvious from my group of children out during the day. But when people make the response, "I could never do that" I never know how to respond or even if it is a positive or negative response. Most of the time I just smile mildly and say nothing unless they ask me a question.

 

I was in an uncomfortable situation yesterday with a large group of people giving this response and commenting to each other about how they would never be able to homeschool, etc. I thought to myself, what would public school mothers think if I said that back to them. If someone said something about their child being in school and I retorted, "OH, I could never do that; but good for you!" It seems rather rude, yet people say this to me ALL the time.

 

Just thinking about things. . .

 

Do you get that response from people? Do you see it as a negative or a positive comment?

[Upward Journey]

Take it as a compliment. They're recognizing that what you do is hard work and that they themselves don't feel up to the challenges/life style changes that homeschooling entails.

[SKL]

I think it's intended as positive, and because it's not the mainstream choice, people would not realize how it could be taken as negative.

 

I have 21 years of education.  "I could never do that" would be a positive, right?  I have also gotten that comment with regard to designing complex spreadsheets for a living, having adopted two kids as a single parent, working long hours for pretty much my whole life, taking my kids to activities nearly every evening.  I think in all these cases it means "wow, you are motivated."

 

On the other hand, the same response to "I took my kids for their vaccinations," "I put my kids in daycare so I could work," etc., "I could never do that" would be considered a negative because the point is that they find mainstream behavior to be objectionable.

[Roadrunner]

Exactly. It's meant to be a compliment. They are trying to tell you that you are a super mom. I would probably say thanks, we really enjoy it, but yes, it's not for the faint hearted.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I've had it be positive and I've had it be negative. Depends on tone and the exact reason(s) they think they could never do it.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

How I've responded in the past: "It's definitely not for everyone." Personally I don't think I could be a public school mom. That is WAY too early to wake up! ;)

[AimeeM]

"It isn't for everyone."

Because, really, it isn't. It isn't for every adult and it isn't for every child.

I have a friend (my best friend) who tried to homeschool her daughter and it didn't work out. She says it ("I could never do that - again") and means it wholeheartedly, lol.

[Farrar]

A lot of people seem to get annoyed by it, but really I think it's the awkward trying to be ositive thing people say. I would never bother to take offense. And, truth is, I could never have my kids in school - it would make me crazy.

 

If it's annoying at all it's because it's such a predictable, dull conversation that I've had slight variations of dozens of times.

[SKL]

How I've responded in the past: "It's definitely not for everyone."

 

I say the same thing about adoption (when people do the "wow" thing).  It isn't wonderful or terrible, easy or hard; but it's not for everyone.  (Then again, neither is natural childbirth.  ;)  )

[regentrude]

I see it as neither positive nor negative. before I homeschooled, I said exactly the same. It meant that, with the limited knowledge I had about homeschooling, I could not envision that this would be something I could/would ever do.

As a non-homeschooler, I did not know

-about all the curriculua out there that help me teach

-that one can facilitate learning of a subject one is not an expert

-that one can have relaxed schooling without many hours of seat work

- that the dynamics of homeschooling is different than school and a parent teaching is not the same as a school teacher teaching

- that there are many opportunities for kids to meet other kids without public school

-that there are support groups and forums for parents

- that homeschooler can get into college

-that families homeschool for other than strictly religious reasons

 

I did not know. I could not imagine me doing this. So, I thought "I could never do that".

Until public school no longer worked for my kids and I was forced into home schooling.

 

So, I do not take the comment as a judgment. I take it as a sincere belief of the speaker who has usually not given a lot of thought to the issue and does not know a lot about the reality  of homeschooling.

[Stellalarella]

The responses begin with I.  The person hears what you said, immediately makes an internal reflection/comparison about her own self and her thoughts tumble out her mouth.  

 

All it really tells you is that she is thinking about herself, not really about how you do what you do.  :)

[Ellie]

Negative. Even if the person who says it thinks it's a compliment.

 

It means she thinks I'm more than I am, or that homeschooling is much harder than it really is, or that she is mentally incompetent, or that homeschooling is a bad thing.

 

In any case, smiling vaguely is still a good reply.

[happypamama]

Yes, I think it is a rude thing to say too, and you're right; we would never say, "oh, I could never do that" to anyone regarding public school, much as we might want to. I would just smile and say, "well, it works for us" and secretly think of it as a compliment, that the person was noticing all my hard work. Because it IS hard work and DOES take a lot of dedication and effort, and not everyone is able to do that (for various reasons, including not really wanting to). To them, it is easy to put their kids on a bus to go off to school all day and not have to worry about scope and sequence and whatnot. I find that idea hard, but to each her own. :)

[SFM]

I always feel like saying, "I didn't ask you if you could do it." I don't get offended but it's just annoying, you ask me what we do for education, I say, "We homeschool, you respond with, "Oh, I could never do that." I want to say, "I didn't ask you. You asked me." :) But instead I politely reply, "It's not for everyone but it works for us."

 

[Barb_]

I usually say, "You know, I don't know if I could jump in with half grown kids either. It's a vocation I've grown into. Let me tell you, the thought of putting all my kids into school right now and dealing with the running around, the fundraisers, the homework, and social drama gives me heart palpitations too. Lifestyle change midstream is hard, but homeschooling is my job and I'm good at it, just like I'm sure you are very good at what you do."

[Bootsie]

It wouldn't occur to me to take it as a negative comment.  If someone told me that she was running a marathon, I might say, "I couldn't do that, but good for you."  Or, if someone told me she was an emergency room doctor, I might say the same thing.  I don't see it as a judgment about what is being done, as much as a comment by the person saying it about herself. 

[kajm]

I read your first post and laughed out loud thinking what people would think if I said "Oh, I could never send my kids to the government school (like you do)."  I will certainly think about that the next time someone tells me they couldn't homeschool.  But I'm a little warped, no?!

[SKL]

I agree that it's about the speaker, not the listener.  I don't consider that offensive, though.

 

I could never cook 7 days a week.  No offense to anyone who does.  I mean, technically I *could,* but the thought of it gives me the shivers.

 

I know some people cook 7 days a week.  Some because they like to, some because they consider it their duty, some because it's the only way to keep their family healthy.  The fact that I don't lean that way says nothing about people who do.

 

People are just trying to find common ground during a casual conversation.  You say something, they try to relate to it and sometimes they just can't.  And that's OK in my opinion.

[albeto.]

 I thought to myself, what would public school mothers think if I said that back to them. If someone said something about their child being in school and I retorted, "OH, I could never do that; but good for you!" It seems rather rude, yet people say this to me ALL the time.

 

Yes! That's how I always read it! I'm sure it's supposed to be nice, but it sounds to me like a backyhanded compliment, like saying, "Well, I don't really like Justin Bieber myself, but if you're into really crappy bubble-gum pop, enjoy!" or,  "Personally, I'd rather raise a colony of spiders in my hair, but if you like it, that's nice." 

[elliotterae]

 

 

I think it's intended as a nonsense filler of air space. 

Yep

 

I think the general mainstream assumption is that homeschooling is "different". Unless, the person in question has given a lot of personal thought to the decision of public vs homeschooling, I think their first thought is more along the lines of, "Really? Why on earth would you do that" and they know better than to say that so "I could never do that" is what comes out.

 

Now, I could be way off, maybe I'm just being negative, lol. But that is what I personally hear when someone says it to me. I guess I have based that assumptions on the tone of voice and facial expression that usually accompany it along with the few random people with out a filter who just end up saying something more pointed.

[elliotterae]

Deleted- No idea how it posted three times,  

 

[elliotterae]

Deleted, I have no idea how it posted 3 times. Sorry 

 

[LMD]

It annoys me because it's a brush off.  They don't actually listen or care about me, it's just small talk.  In the same vein I've been getting a lot of 'wow, super mum' comments since I had my youngest 2 weeks ago and it is pretty annoying...

[Tess in the Burbs]

Or you could reply, "Yes, you are right, you couldn't do it.  Only us supermom's can handle it!"

 

lol

 

of course they might think it rude ;-)

[Tsuga]

Take it as a compliment. They're recognizing that what you do is hard work and that they themselves don't feel up to the challenges/life style changes that homeschooling entails.

 

I usually don't say this, but I think it. I think, "This person has the patience of 10 Ghandis, the charity of 1,000 Mother Theresas, and the energy of a thousand suns. If I were forced to educate my own children, who make it a point to extract my soul with a spoon during every other interaction when I try to impart any amount of knowledge to them, I would surely be in the asylum by now, if not dead."

 

I don't say anything because I know that it could be taken amiss, a la the I-could-never-do-your-husband comment above (though man, I could say that to so many women, haha).

 

I just think it's a filter thing. A lot of people tell me I look exotic. Awesome. What they mean is, "You aren't white or black. Did you know that?"  Yes. I noticed. :)

 

 

 I thought to myself, what would public school mothers think if I said that back to them. If someone said something about their child being in school and I retorted, "OH, I could never do that; but good for you!"

 

I would think, "Yeah, my tolerance for the herd's influencing my kids is pretty high, and it comes from values that not everybody shares, but we sure do enjoy it. It works really well for us."

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm with Ellie on just smiling vaguely.  No one I know has ever seemed to expect an answer to that.  I just keep the conversation going by asking them a question.  

[SKL]

It annoys me because it's a brush off.  They don't actually listen or care about me, it's just small talk.

Well, that's what a lot of talk is - people are testing the waters to see if there is chemistry.  Or just being polite rather than leaving an uncomfortable silence, which some people here would doubtless interpret as "homeschoolers are bad."

 

I would be much more uncomfortable if people started getting all up in my business and asking the details of my homeschool schedule and my curricula and how my kids scored on standardized tests.  LOL.

[SKL]

I have been told that pretty much nobody could do what I do with Miss A.  The whole going over the same thing again and again with an eternally calm and encouraging voice.  I always wanted to be a special ed teacher, so for me, this is just second nature.  I like it a lot better than I like my paying job.  ;)  But on the other hand, if I had to homeschool Miss E for the long term, I might just throw her out the window.  And that's not just idle chitchat.  ;)  (Don't worry - it would be a ground-floor window - the first time at least.)

[Snickerdoodle]

"I would never presume to teach my own kids at home," said to me just last week. 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

Whenever possible, assume positive intent. It just makes your life easier and more fun.

 

"So you're able to stay home. Must be nice."

 

"I could never do that."

 

"You must have your hands full."

 

"Oh, what do you do for socialization?"

 

"I don't know how you do it."

 

While they could all be negative, they could all be positive or at least unknowing curiosity.

 

Just assume positive intent.

[Tracy]

I have started saying, "Of course you could!  If you knew that is what your child needed, you would do it."  Then they nod in agreement.  

[HSmomof2]

I've heard that a lot and assume it has a generally positive intent. I either do the vague smile, or laugh and say, "Most days I don't think I can either." :-)

[Barb_]

"I would never presume to teach my own kids at home," said to me just last week.

Now THAT is rude.

[a27mom]

I usually respond with, "Well actually you probably could. I think most people could homeschool, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should. " Said with a friendly smile. Sometimes the conversation moves on, but a lot of time we get to have a pretty positive discussion about homeschooling.

 

I find that a lot of people truly don't understand how homeschooling works, and don't comprehend the possibility for themselves because it sounds so overwhelming.

[Mommy22alyns]

It's just filler to me.  The last person that said that though, I responded, "I said the same thing once!"

 

 

 

You never know...

[MomatHWTK]

Whenever possible, assume positive intent. It just makes your life easier and more fun.

 

"So you're able to stay home. Must be nice."  Yes we really enjoy being able to set our own schedule and it allows us to take online courses that didn't exist when I was a student.  I can't stand getting up early.

 

"I could never do that."  It does take a commitment.  I have to do research and make decisions and then make sure I'm sticking to the plans and managing each kids needs.  But, I had a hard time working for other people, so it is a good fit for me. 

 

"You must have your hands full."  Yeah, I was doing pretty good with 3 but that 4th one showing up was quite a shocker.  The kids are all great but sometimes it seems like there are 8 instead of 4 of them. 

 

"Oh, what do you do for socialization?"  I leave the kids at home and go shopping.  LOL  Seriously, the kids are really close to each other and don't really care if we go out.  We joined the Y for awhile but they really prefer to play with each other. 

 

"I don't know how you do it."  I drink lots of coffee. 

 

While they could all be negative, they could all be positive or at least unknowing curiosity.

 

Just assume positive intent.

Be happy with who you are and be happy about it.  KWIM? 

[K&Rs Mom]

 

It always cracks me up when people follow "I could never do that" with the reasons they couldn't.  I didn't ask, wasn't pressing you to try it, really.  But whenever someone says, "I don't have that kind of patience," I answer, "Neither do I."  ;)

 

I agree with others who have said it's just a filler, though, probably not meant as positive or negative unless you can tell from the tone.

[Stars]

I am ashamed to remember saying this to a homeschooling mom, several years ago, back before my dh and I could even imagine the possibility of bucking our ps ideals.  What I remember is that my kids were about 3 and <1, and I often longed for the time when they would both be in school and I would have seven hours to myself every day.  Willingly giving that up was a little harder than I'd like to admit!  I think some people who don't know much about hsing only see the sacrifice and not the rewards.  Even when we decided to hs, I only thought about the long-term benefits, really.  It wasn't until I actually started educating my child that I began to see the immediate joy of it.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

It always cracks me up when people follow "I could never do that" with the reasons they couldn't.  I didn't ask, wasn't pressing you to try it, really.  But whenever someone says, "I don't have that kind of patience," I answer, "Neither do I."  ;)

 

I agree with others who have said it's just a filler, though, probably not meant as positive or negative unless you can tell from the tone.

 

I say the same thing to the patience comment!  Or I've replied "It takes the same amount of patience to be a parent, and I don't always have that perfectly either."  They stop and look at me and then nod like they understand.  

[Hunter]

Sometimes, I used to say, "You find a way to do what you need to do, when you need to do it. I didn't have a choice. I'm just doing the best I can, and that will have to be good enough."

 

Other times I said nothing, because it was filler, or a brush off. Sometimes the brushoffs were really isolating, and made me feel sad and alone and different.

 

Lori, you are a very aware and smart person. I think you were picking up on some tone and body language that conflicted with the words. So even though the people meant the words as semi-positive sounding filler, you noticed something conflicting and more negative. It's like when someone sneezes and people say, "God bless you!" while backing away and grimacing.

[Tsuga]

"I would never presume to teach my own kids at home," said to me just last week. 

 

Well if she says things like that, she'd better not.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I take it as a positive, then I say "sure you can", and tell them ALL about it.  

[kirstenhill]

Tone can say a lot in that statement, but I think it can kind of be a reflexive response to someone doing something that takes hard work/isn't the path of least resistance.   Someone in my extended family recently mentioned that her family has cut out all convenience/processed foods.  My initial reaction (just to myself, since I found out about this via email) -- "I could never do that!!!".  :lol:

 

Now could I?  Sure, if I had some genuine need to do so.  But just thinking about that for a minute made me panic as I thought about having to bake bread all the time (not just when I feel like it), and not being able to just toss my kids a baggie of goldfish or cold cereal when we are heading out the door and they're "starved."   So I have no desire to do that and I can't imagine wanting to...and I suppose a lot of people feel that way about homeschooling too.  But if they had a good reason, their mind would probably change.

[Camelfeet]

I think its negative.  I don't actually believe all the SAHMs I meet actually have any sort of high regard for homeschool.  I think they say it as non-negative filler.  The questions that follow "how do you know your kids are on par with others their age?  How do you get them tested?  How will they get into university?" show they are skeptical of home ed and I could never do that means that they wouldn't want to because of their misconceptions about homeschooling.  

 

 

Or you could reply, "Yes, you are right, you couldn't do it.  Only us supermom's can handle it!"

 

lol

 

of course they might think it rude ;-)

 

I actually did say this last Sunday, in kind of a joking a way.    

 

I'm sick of this conversation.  I don't want to talk about homeschooling with non-homeschoolers, because its like repeating the same conversation a dozen times.  Blargh.    

[kiwik]

"I would never presume to teach my own kids at home," said to me just last week.

Yeah well that is rude. "I could never do that" is just mindless small talk. Besides most people (including me) tend to have that sort of reaction when faced with something new that sounds different ir hard.

[DawnM]

"Yeah, you probably couldn't."

 

(ok, that is what I would LIKE to say, but I don't.)

 

About 90% of the time when someone finds out I homeschool I get the response, "I could never do that." And sometimes this is followed up with "But good for you."

First of all, I never announce we homeschool. It just is kinda of obvious from my group of children out during the day. But when people make the response, "I could never do that" I never know how to respond or even if it is a positive or negative response. Most of the time I just smile mildly and say nothing unless they ask me a question.

I was in an uncomfortable situation yesterday with a large group of people giving this response and commenting to each other about how they would never be able to homeschool, etc. I thought to myself, what would public school mothers think if I said that back to them. If someone said something about their child being in school and I retorted, "OH, I could never do that; but good for you!" It seems rather rude, yet people say this to me ALL the time.

Just thinking about things. . .

Do you get that response from people? Do you see it as a negative or a positive comment?

 

[Mommyfaithe]

No it's not, but does that make me special or a weirdo? I lean towards weirdo. LOL

I lean with you. ;-)

[Luckymama]

I have never had it said to me in a negative way!

[regentrude]

I think its negative.  I don't actually believe all the SAHMs I meet actually have any sort of high regard for homeschool.  I think they say it as non-negative filler.  The questions that follow "how do you know your kids are on par with others their age?  How do you get them tested?  How will they get into university?" show they are skeptical of home ed and I could never do that means that they wouldn't want to because of their misconceptions about homeschooling.  

 

I'm sick of this conversation.  I don't want to talk about homeschooling with non-homeschoolers, because its like repeating the same conversation a dozen times.  Blargh.    

 

Of course they are skeptical. If they do not know people who homeschool and have not researched it, I would find this the normal response. If anything, I marvel at people who do not have the above questions. From reading on these boards, I find that even homeschoolers are asking those very same questions.

 

I am sad that you are "sick" of talking to non-homeschoolers about homeschooling. I am deeply grateful for the homeschoolers who took the time and patience six years ago to answer my questions (which, no doubt, they had heard many times before)  and helped me understand that I, too, can do it. Without their encouragement, I might not have had the courage to take the leap.

I am sure I must have come across as completely ignorant and doubting, having all the "dumb" questions (yes, I even asked about socialization). I am glad they never brushed it off as mere conversation filler or saw it as a hostile questioning of their choices.

[sassenach]

"I would never presume to teach my own kids at home," said to me just last week.

Please tell us how you responded, because I can think of about 10 different things to say that range from dismissive to cutting, and I'd just like to live vicariously through you for a moment.