Would you allow this? (young teen issue)

[joannqn]

My 13 year old likes to participate in a "role playing" forum.  Basically, they go back and forth writing narrative and/or dialog for characters.  She knows her online participation is with the understanding that we have all passwords and will keep an eye on things.  Initially, we were mostly concerned about spotting potential predators.

 

So, with this role playing, we have discovered our daughter was using foul language.  We do not use or condone foul language in our home, however, we don't censor movies for language alone.  She says it's creative writing, how the character would talk.  We have also discovered that she was also writing heavy petting into these scripts.  We feel that the other user (who is completely anonymous by forum rules) is steering these story lines that direction.  Further, the role plays we are concerned about are taking place in private messaging rather than on the public forum.  

We have already discussed the language and sex-leaning content of the first story line mentioned and told her no more language/sex.  She has ceased to introduce language/sexual tension into the story.  

Another user, another story line involves MS Paint Adventures/Homestruck, also in private messaging.  Our daughter followed our new rules of no language and graphic content strictly to the letter. The other user introduced a character being raped and then making out with a third character the next morning.  My daughter wrote in the character crying, complaining about  pain, looking lovingly or purring at the third character, etc

 

Further, knowing that we want her to reduce her time on this forum (she has hours where the forum is off limits), she shared with the second user above that she had to get off of the forum and that the user should send her messages at tumblr instead, giving the link to her account.  We only recently discovered that she had a tumblr account.
 

We don't feel this is appropriate for a 13 year old, but we are unsure of how much should be tolerated with a teen.  So, how would you respond?  

 

Please do not quote.  I will be deleting.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I find the private messaging aspect concerning.

[Catwoman]

I would put a complete stop to it right now.

 

The secret tumblr account would be enough to make her lose Internet privileges -- and as Mama-san2 has already mentioned, the private messaging thing is a huge honking red flag.

 

I think the subject matter is far too mature for your dd to be posting about online, and I would be seriously concerned that her online friend is an adult predator.

 

Are you sure your dd hasn't exchanged any personal information with this guy? (And I'm about 99.9% sure it's an adult male, not another kid, no matter what he's leading your dd to believe.)

 

The biggest issue here is the deception. Your dd has deliberately tried to keep her relationship with this man a secret, and that's scary stuff and may not end well if it's allowed to continue.

[Lara in Colo]

I would unplug the computer and have a serious sit down with my child about the standards she should be setting for herself.

[Annie G]

No, at 13 we would have talked to dd about that kind of storyline and not allowed her to participate in it.  Our youngest dd did a lot writing on online role playing forums. Much of it was fine- some did delve into things that she was feeling - and were age appropriate topics to explore. But rape and then making out with someone the next day- no, that doesn't sound like a healthy topic for a typical 13 year old to explore. 

 

Dd did some writing about cutting and that started because she had a friend who was a cutter. We felt it crossed into the unhealthy and was being glorified and we suspended her forum privileges for a while. Once she got back on track with healthy stories, we felt better and so did she. 

 

13 is really young to be getting into such dark stories. 

 

The fact that your dd tired to get around your rules by using a Tumblr account is also a warning sign that you might want to nip this behavior now. Teens are a challenge- I'm proud to say I survived my kids' teen years!!

 

 

[ajfries]

Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. I only have kindergardners & under so it's not like I know what I'm talking about :)

 

The secret tumblr account alone would have me nixing internet privileges. Is your computer in a public/shared space in your home? That would be my first move.

 

The foul language would be disappointing to me, but maybe not punishable (that would be a rule going forward, though, like you did)? More like a "remember who you are & why we choose to live by these standards" discussion. 

 

I agree that 13 is too young to be delving into these stories. Also, I'm going to go out on a limb & say that a good portion of role play story telling is personal fantasies. So I'd say that what characters/incidents the other person initiates is quite telling into their own personality.

 

I'd really be focusing on introducing & encouraging good, up building association with non destructive peers...if such thing can be found at 13 years old (kidding...I think).

[fourcatmom]

My 12 yo dd is really into the role playing online. We have had many, many talks about what is okay and not okay online but with kids you just don't know and you don't know who the other person online is. I am trying to trust her and give her some space but also keep in close contact with her but beyond her telling me what is actually being said, I really don't know for sure. is there a way to monitor their actual conversations that are happening on these role playing forums? This has been a hard one for me lately so I am glad it came up.

[dhudson]

I would pull her. It sounds like it is going in far too dark if areas for a 13 year old. Find other, safer ways of using her creativity. I would also think about taking away Internet access for awhile, just to be safe.

[Venia]

I agree, the other user is displaying predator-like behavior and your DD is playing into it.

 

I would likely be in the minority here, but I actually would not ban her from the forum or like activities. The activity of role-playing itself, I think, is very creative and stimulating. I think she is being allowed to think about topics and situations that she has not experiences and deeply thinking about how another person would react. I would think this would be a very healthy activity for a teen. That said, I agree that the topics she is being led down are not yet age appropriate and usafe. However, its too late to undo that activity and banning it outright or shaming her will only have the reverse effect; seeking it out more and hiding it from you. Now that the "cat is out of the bag" so-to-speak, I would actually dive into those experience more in a safer environment with parents involved.

 

In essence, I would allow her to continue the forum activity (in general, not the current story lines), but only under the conditions that:

 

*She research (with heavy parent help/oversight) online predator behavior and internet safety.

*She very lightly research (with heavy parent help/oversight) the effects of abuse(emotional and physical) on real people so that those situations do not continue to be romanticized or normalized for her.

 

She needs the tools/information to be able to identify inappropriate behavior of other users and story lines that lead down unsafe or uncomfortable paths. Tools she could then use outside of the forum as well.

 

AND

 

That she make it entirely clear to the other user that they are crossing the line and she will not be participating in story lines that go down those paths, nor have contact outside of the forum. Sometimes saying "no" is harder than identifying when things have crossed the line. I would work on empowering her thoughts, sense of self and especially her words to help her combat bad situations.

[ajfries]

I agree, the other user is displaying predator-like behavior and your DD is playing into it.

 

I would likely be in the minority here, but I actually would not ban her from the forum or like activities. The activity of role-playing itself, I think, is very creative and stimulating. I think she is being allowed to think about topics and situations that she has not experiences and deeply thinking about how another person would react. I would think this would be a very healthy activity for a teen. That said, I agree that the topics she is being led down are not yet age appropriate and usafe. However, its too late to undo that activity and banning it outright or shaming her will only have the reverse effect; seeking it out more and hiding it from you. Now that the "cat is out of the bag" so-to-speak, I would actually dive into those experience more in a safer environment with parents involved.

 

In essence, I would allow her to continue the forum activity (in general, not the current story lines), but only under the conditions that:

 

*She research (with heavy parent help/oversight) online predator behavior and internet safety.

*She very lightly research (with heavy parent help/oversight) the effects of abuse(emotional and physical) on real people so that those situations do not continue to be romanticized or normalized for her.

 

She needs the tools/information to be able to identify inappropriate behavior of other users and story lines that lead down unsafe or uncomfortable paths. Tools she could then use outside of the forum as well.

 

AND

 

That she make it entirely clear to the other user that they are crossing the line and she will not be participating in story lines that go down those paths, nor have contact outside of the forum. Sometimes saying "no" is harder than identifying when things have crossed the line. I would work on empowering her thoughts, sense of self and especially her words to help her combat bad situations.

 

I'm a little bit blown away by the bolded--particularly the last paragraph. I think it's positively brilliant. 

[Joanne]

I am usually one of the more liberal parents on this forum for these issues. I am not sure if I see predatory beHavior in the other writer. But nonetheless, I would pull the activity. There is no need for a 13 year old to have that level of sophistication in writing; there are other ways to be creative.

[Ellie]

My 12 yo dd is really into the role playing online. We have had many, many talks about what is okay and not okay online but with kids you just don't know and you don't know who the other person online is. I am trying to trust her and give her some space but also keep in close contact with her but beyond her telling me what is actually being said, I really don't know for sure. is there a way to monitor their actual conversations that are happening on these role playing forums? This has been a hard one for me lately so I am glad it came up.

 

The thing that you can absolutely trust children to be is...children, and therefore immature and in need of supervision by adults who love them. Sometimes that means that the adults do not allow them to do things that they know have potential to be age inappropriate. If it is not possible for the role-playing to happen in common areas where you are able to supervise, then it seems to me that it would be better to disallow it until she is much older.

[bolt.]

In addition to the teaching and learning about predatory behavior etc. mentioned (brilliantly) by ajfries above, I suggest imparting the understanding that she can "teach you" that she has internalized these limits and abides by them of her own free will (she "teaches you" by her behaviour), but that she can also "teach you" that these limits are too challenging for her in the social online environment of the role playing world. Let her know that if her behaviour teaches you that the limits are too challenging, you will need to keep her away from that internet space that she finds so challenging -- at least until you both think she can try again.

 

This isn't because you are upset with her, or because she has done anything wrong. It's more like if you put her in swimming lessons, but accidentally chose a level that was beyond her skill level. You would be able to tell that because she wouldn't be able to do the things the lesson was requiring. It would be you job to take her out of that lesson and put her in a more appropriate level. If *she* thinks this online environment is the right level for her, *she* can show you that by being able to 'swim skilfully' around the challenges of that space. You will wait and see. It's a level of motivational responsibility that might resonate well with her (rather than sounding like a threat/punishment/judgement).

 

Also, talk about whether there is a more 'junior' level of this sort of writing-play that would be the option if she demonstrates fewer skills than she needs for the space she wants to be in. Journal style private writing is possible, but it removes the idea of inter-playing the narrative. I wonder if there is something in between.

[wisdomandpeace]

This would mean a complete revocation of Internet privileges in my house. I would (and have) password-protected every Internet-capable device in the house. If she needs the Internet for school, a parent will enter the password and then closely supervise until the device is turned off. If she wants to strengthen her creative writing, give her a pencil and a stack of paper. In my house, this would continue until said child demonstrated trustworthiness.

[vonfirmath]

I have participated in similar roleplaying environments. 1. I NEVER used bad language. It is entirely okay to create characters (multiple) that just don't use that kind of language. 2. I went way farther in the sexual realm that I ought to have and I to this day wish I had not done it.  I do have a friend who never "went" there with her characters. Even the one circumstance where she had to (She had a goldrider in a Pern environment) she just didn't. They "said it happened" and went on. I wish I had done that.

 

And I was 20/21 when I got involved in this.

 

Can your kid get involved in fiction writing in a forum that is pretty much kids only? Maybe get together some RL friends to do it? Or just write her own fan fiction?  It is really concerning that she's involved in this at 13.  Things just tend to get darker and...more. You want to do something new, more exciting, etc. and try to outdo your last writing each time.

 

 

 

[Tree Frog]

I agree, the other user is displaying predator-like behavior and your DD is playing into it.

 

I would likely be in the minority here, but I actually would not ban her from the forum or like activities. The activity of role-playing itself, I think, is very creative and stimulating. I think she is being allowed to think about topics and situations that she has not experiences and deeply thinking about how another person would react. I would think this would be a very healthy activity for a teen. That said, I agree that the topics she is being led down are not yet age appropriate and usafe. However, its too late to undo that activity and banning it outright or shaming her will only have the reverse effect; seeking it out more and hiding it from you. Now that the "cat is out of the bag" so-to-speak, I would actually dive into those experience more in a safer environment with parents involved.

 

In essence, I would allow her to continue the forum activity (in general, not the current story lines), but only under the conditions that:

 

*She research (with heavy parent help/oversight) online predator behavior and internet safety.

*She very lightly research (with heavy parent help/oversight) the effects of abuse(emotional and physical) on real people so that those situations do not continue to be romanticized or normalized for her.

 

She needs the tools/information to be able to identify inappropriate behavior of other users and story lines that lead down unsafe or uncomfortable paths. Tools she could then use outside of the forum as well.

 

AND

 

That she make it entirely clear to the other user that they are crossing the line and she will not be participating in story lines that go down those paths, nor have contact outside of the forum. Sometimes saying "no" is harder than identifying when things have crossed the line. I would work on empowering her thoughts, sense of self and especially her words to help her combat bad situations.

 

 

I agree with the above.

 

My dd is 14 and has been reading books I would prefer she not read. The topics in these books include rape, child abuse, drugs, and alcohol, among others. After talking with her, I realized she's trying to figure out/process things she's heard at school/with friends through the books. I haven't banned her from those books, but I'm watching more closely so I can talk to her about what she's reading and thinking about.

 

I wonder if the OP's dd is doing something similar. I think I would not allow my dd to use pm's for any storyline; all the stories have to stay on the forums because there is more oversight, even if just from peers. One thing we've told our kids is if a friend wants to do something but doesn't want the parents to know, there's a good chance it's not a good activity. It seems to me that taking the stories to pm's is along this line; if the story is okay, then why does it need to be hidden? If the story needs to be hidden, then it's probably not something mom and dad would approve of and dd should not participate in. 

[Haiku]

If she were 17 as opposed to 13, I would respond differently. But she's 13, so my advice is to ban her from the forum entirely. If she opened a tumblr account in secret, ban her from the internet entirely. My dd (now 19) had several periods of being banned from the computer (one lasting 6 months), and I don't regret it at all. We are pretty conservative parents. We ban computers, we confiscate cell phones, we put the kibosh on undesirable friendships, we text people and contact them on FB to tell them to reign in their behavior as concerns our daughter, and we ground. (Of course now that she's at college, we don't do those things anymore.) And now that dd has graduated and gotten a scholarship to university, we are even more glad we did these things. We look at where many of her peers, who had more liberal parents, are, and we see how much better our dd is doing. We made it clear to dd that we didn't care whether she liked us and that our concern was that she be in a position to achieve a successful life and that we would root out things that stood in the way of that. Dd is now grateful for our strictness, and I believe 100% that we headed off several potentially disastrous situations with our intervention.

[kroe1]

Every electronic device in my home,including cell phones would become password protected. Dds stories would become limited to paper and pen. I would be discussing how easy it is to be controlled by strangers.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[joannqn]

This forum is for kids.  There are strict rules about sharing personal information.  You aren't given access to private messaging until you are 13 or have signed parental consent.  Foul language is not allowed on the public forums.  I've come across a message saying private messages were deleted by the filter.  It's suppose to be a safe place, which is why we allowed it in the first place.

She claims that role plays are too difficult to follow on the public forum which is why they use PMs only.  No, I don't buy this as there is a role play sub-forum.

Yes, things will be changing today.  I appreciate all of the feedback and the confirmation that we aren't being overly paranoid or strict.  

[WishboneDawn]

That would the end of forums and unsupervised internet time for my child.

 

She doesn't have the maturity or savvy to protect herself yet so she shouldn't be in those situations.

[texasmama]

That would the end of forums and unsupervised internet time for my child.

 

She doesn't have the maturity or savvy to protect herself yet so she shouldn't be in those situations.

Yes.  Resoundingly so.

 

Lessons on how to protect yourself and stand up for yourself are valuable, but a line has been crossed and a huge step back would take place in my home regarding freedoms/internet access.  This is a minor child who is not equipped to manage this.

[Murphy101]

Secret account = end of computer/internet access

 

Secret account + private messages + inappropriate for her age dialog = end of computer/Internet access until age 16. At which point we would reevaluate if she is mature enough to handle the responsibility appropriately.

 

Frankly, I personally think 13 is just too young. It all happens instantly and in the moment, there isn't a lot of time to contemplate appropriateness or possible ramifications at an age when as it is the puberty fog alone makes it hard to just get through math and doing dishes, much less the complications of Internet exchanges where they can't use visual cues to pick up on mood or vibes or whatever. It also an age where they have lots and lots of sexual questions even without discovering more ideas to question on the Internet.

 

I'd sit her down and say I don't think she is awful or anything. I simply don't think she is old enough for this and be sure to make clear if she has questions about sex, she can ask me any time and to never seek answers on that topic via the Internet.

[ThisIsTheDay]

One of my kids played on an online forum with the understanding they would not pm and would only use the site's chat restriction (only certain phrases could be said to and from other players). When we found that our rule was being violated, that was the end of online gaming, period.  There is a certain amount of trust that my child was obviously not ready to handle, so the privilege was taken away. There was no second chance, as my child was well aware of the rules.

 

Two years later, *we* were the ones that broached the subject and gave permission to again begin playing the game. We knew it was something the child wanted to do, but they had been very respectful of our decision (seriously, not bothering us about it for that period of time!).  It's been a year or two now, and while the game is played frequently, and we allow open chatting because of his age, there have been no issues.  (We also have an older child who plays and they have the same circle of online game friends.)

 

Thirteen years old is far too young, imo, to be playing/writing online in this way.  Secretive behavior doesn't fly.  If the child really believed that sort of writing were necessary to speak "in character," then you could have expected to see it in creative writing in school work or otherwise where it would have been shared with you.

 

My kids at 17 have very different privileges than they do at 13.  If your daughter were 17, my answer would be very, very different.

 

I'm sorry.  It can be so hard.  Growing up with this technology is very different than what we experienced. :grouphug:

 

 

 

[Katy]

I'd pull internet privileges for a period of time and only allow her to get them back when she'd done a paper for me on the topic of the safety of the internet.  If she's mature enough to write on those topics, she's mature enough to have the truth scare the living daylights out of her.  I'd personally research this, find a list of 10 or so girls about her age or one-two years older who'd been kidnapped as a result of those kinds of actions, make her summarize what happened to those specific people, as well as write about how someone her age is tricked and lied to, and how to stay safe on the internet.  I'd insist it include at least two stories involving human trafficking.  I'd also call the local police department and ask if there was a child safety officer who could talk to her too, so it wasn't just mom being paranoid.

 

When she'd written the paper and could explain EXACTLY how the things she'd done before could be dangerous, and how she would be acting differently in the future, I might then allow her to get online again.  But not without a lot of monitoring.

[magnificent_baby]

I would completely stop her activity on the forum and try to direct her into a similar hobby that's not online. Something like classes at a local theater on writing plays, or steer her into writing a novel. Just tossing out ideas, honestly have never heard of a role playing forum. I wouldn't trust anyone interacting with my kids on the computer, especially when sexual content is involved, innocent role playing or not. 

[Catwoman]

Joann, if your dd loves to write, would something like One Year Adventure Novel be good for her?

[MomatHWTK]

If my child wants to be in an arena where they may be negative influences, he or she has to demonstrate that they are capapble of being a positive influence in that area.  They have to show me that they can be a leader, not a follower.  Most of my kids are younger but the way it plays out is that the one I can trust to say "No, that's a bad idea," gets to be around more people/do more online then the one who will say "OK" and follow the crowd.  As someone else mentioned, it is a matter of what that child is capable- can they resist pressure to conform or follow?  If not, then we work on giving them those tools before they get to go in the deep end.  ;)

[planner]

I think your daughter is delving into issues that are too old for her age and she being deceptive about it as well.  I would end this immediately.

[LibraryLover]

Dc knew not to pm, to block etc and there were no other accounts, just gmail. We've talked for years about this, including predatory behaviors. Perhaps a stern explanation about your fears and a change of venue?

[Jilly]

I am a fairly liberal parent, but even I would be worried about this. I would have her cease all of her internet activity for a while, and then I would help her find another activity to put her creative energies into.

[dirty ethel rackham]

The dark story lines would be cause for discussion, which you already did.  The secret PMs and tumblr account would be cause for removing internet privileges for a long period of time. 

[LibraryLover]

One of my kids who has done role play said that it is true that forum role playing can be difficult when lots of people are trying to participate in a particular story. Dc suggests instead of going to pm , one should label the public forum roleplay private/invitation only. Although it is still visible to all members of the site, it is monitored for content. While anyone can participate, dc states that private plays are mostly respected. (Invitation only/private is a way to limit the number of people typing in a storyline.) My  dc believes your dd and the pm issue could be incredibly dangerous, and you are not crazy to shut it down. Dc thinks it might be better to monitor your dd's pm history /get her on board to recognize how dangerous it could be etc., rather than take the public forum away totally, or for forever, as for some kids this is an excellent way to write creatively/share online art/be social. ?

[LaughingCat]

The dark story lines would be cause for discussion, which you already did.  The secret PMs and tumblr account would be cause for removing internet privileges for a long period of time. 

Although I agree with this - however I think reinstatement of privileges should only minimally be timed based and instead mostly based on meeting educational objectives such Venia listed around :

•  online predator behavior and internet safety
• effects of abuse(emotional and physical) on real people
• practice seeing when someone is crossing the line and saying no .

[Live2Ride]

This forum is for kids.  There are strict rules about sharing personal information.  You aren't given access to private messaging until you are 13 or have signed parental consent.  Foul language is not allowed on the public forums.  I've come across a message saying private messages were deleted by the filter.  It's suppose to be a safe place, which is why we allowed it in the first place.

 

She claims that role plays are too difficult to follow on the public forum which is why they use PMs only.  No, I don't buy this as there is a role play sub-forum.

 

Yes, things will be changing today.  I appreciate all of the feedback and the confirmation that we aren't being overly paranoid or strict.  

I will say this from experience.  Stay on top of it. DD did this and she found all sorts of ways around passwords, even chatted with Nintendo so that she could change the password on the 3DS to be able to access it online.  What started off as innocent enough-though she broke our internet safety rules not long after she started chatting with this person, became an addiction very quickly and a constant battle of staying ahead of her.  She has lost internet priveledges for some time now.  We monitor all usage in the same room.  Mostly only allowed for school work and an occasional movie.  All electronic devices had to have passwords as she would use anything she could.  We even thought at one point that she had some sort of sleep issues going on...nope.  Come to find out, she found out her brothers computer password and was using it to log on after we all went to bed and was staying up until 4-5 am!  We were extremely upset with the disobediece and ultimately focused on that for the punishment as honestly that is what the whole issue was in the first place.  Disobeyed our internet safety rule, disobeyed the punishment for it and the cycle continued for some time...It is now sinking in that we aren't going to let her back on that forum or to chat with that person.  We helped her get into some activities and make some new friends.  She has found some and slowly coming around to being more outgoing/friendly again instead of sullen and moody. 

[cuckoomamma]

I agree that this is a no-shame situation, but also highly concerning.  It's incredibly difficult to walk the line of being friendly online while still protecting yourself as is the other person is a predator and not at all who you think they are.  It's difficult for adults, nevermind a 13 year old. 

 

Developing a sense of who to trust/who not to trust is really difficult in person.  On line takes it to a whole different level. 

 

My inclination would be to find a real world substitution for what your dd is involved with online so that she could wean off of it.  I'd let her know that the pms and secret tmblr account were the issue and not the content, so much (even though it may very well be a concern for you!). 

 

While I agree with the concept that standing up for one's limits/beliefs is the important part (refusing to participate in certain dialogue), I think it may be beyond her ability at that age.  A few more years of maturity may make it significantly easier. 

 

Good luck!

[sassenach]

I would shut it all down.  Nothing good for her soul is happening online.  Take her off of the internet for 6 months and then reevaluate.  In the meantime, see what kind of real life creative writing outlets you can find her.

[Starr]

13 isn't 18, she needs time to grow up. We have a 20 year old friend that is on that forum all day and night.  She was such a fun loving kid but took all her creativity to the forum.

[Pretty in Pink]

Agreeing w/ Joanne, as usual.

[swellmomma]

I allow my dd14 to participate in online role play games like that, in fact she has been a mod on the main site she goes to for almost a year now.  It is a wolf role play group.  I would not be okay with the story line you are mentioning, nor with foul language/sexual tension stuff at all.  There is a fine line kids need to learn about what is appropriate to teh character/expression etc and what is crossing into vulgar just to be vulgar.  She is not aware of all the private story lines going, but I will have to ask her about the storylines in the one she participates in.

[gardenmom5]

she's 13.  I would not allow her on them at all.  she may be following your rules, but those she is meeting are not - and then she invited someone to continue sending her messages elsewhere.  you may need to be blunt about where such things can lead and why you oppose them - and they aren't pretty.

perhaps enrolling her in a creative writing class - or setting up with her friends and letting them write a story in the round like that.

if it means she is only on a computer in a common area of the home when other people are in the same room - so be it.

[KRG]

With the details you have told us I would not allow it any longer.

[AmyontheFarm]

If she were 17 as opposed to 13, I would respond differently. But she's 13, so my advice is to ban her from the forum entirely. If she opened a tumblr account in secret, ban her from the internet entirely. My dd (now 19) had several periods of being banned from the computer (one lasting 6 months), and I don't regret it at all. We are pretty conservative parents. We ban computers, we confiscate cell phones, we put the kibosh on undesirable friendships, we text people and contact them on FB to tell them to reign in their behavior as concerns our daughter, and we ground. (Of course now that she's at college, we don't do those things anymore.) And now that dd has graduated and gotten a scholarship to university, we are even more glad we did these things. We look at where many of her peers, who had more liberal parents, are, and we see how much better our dd is doing. We made it clear to dd that we didn't care whether she liked us and that our concern was that she be in a position to achieve a successful life and that we would root out things that stood in the way of that. Dd is now grateful for our strictness, and I believe 100% that we headed off several potentially disastrous situations with our intervention.

 

I wish I could like this 100 times!

[hillfarm]

My 14yo dd and I had a discussion the other day about whether a parent could effectively ban a dc from the internet or computers these days. It is so pervasive.

 

Although parents "might" be able to enact a ban in their own home, it is extremely difficult to do so when the dc goes out into the rest of the world. They can borrow cell phones or iPods from friends and can connect to the internet via those devices. Many libraries have computers available for public use. The dc can visit the homes of friends or relatives who have internet capable devices and use theirs. Internet can be accessed via many televisions and gaming systems these days. It is incredibly available and unless you are willing and able to supervise your dc's every.single.step, you cannot know what they are doing when you are apart.

 

I think the key is education - you have to change your dc's heart about the matter. She needs to understand why this is wrong and come to her own understanding of why it is a high risk behavior for her. So that she will want to turn away from it on her own. Then you won't have to worry so much about banning her from anything, she will institute her own ban and enforce it herself.

 

Of course, by "banning" it in your home, you are making it harder for her, but my dd says that for some kids it then becomes a game or test of wills to find ways to circumvent the ban. Also, as another poster mentioned, there may be an addiction component to this, and your dd might not be able to just stop without additional difficulties. You might think about reading up on computer and gaming addictions so you know to look for the signs.

 

And finally, (and I don't know the answer here) at what point does something like this become a legal crime? You might contact your local PD and see if they have an officer specializing in internet crime and ask them. It might help open your dd's eyes to the seriousness of what is going on if she realized just how close they were skating to an illegal situation. If it is over the line, then you can consider whether to prosecute or not. I am probably wrong, but if it was another young or midteen, I would just want a visit from LE to tell them to cease and desist. If it was anyone other than that, I would probably want the full enforcement of whatever existing laws. Because who knows where they were taking this and who knows how many other young girls this person is stringing along and for what purpose.

[nd293]

I would definitely not allow access to a role playing forum for my dd12. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If she enjoys writing (and dd does) then there are writing classes and groups and old-fashioned journals.

[Haiku]

My 14yo dd and I had a discussion the other day about whether a parent could effectively ban a dc from the internet or computers these days.

 

Having been there, I will say that no, you can't.

 

However, you can reduce access, which can go a long way toward interrupting negative patterns. In particular, child predators don't waste time on kids whose internet access is sporadic.

 

We had an instance of dd breaking our rules and being banned from the internet in consequence. I found out (because I'm the mom, and I usually find out) that her best friend was allowing dd access on the best friend's cell phone. I sat down both girls and told them I was aware of the situation and that best friend had to decide which was more important: remaining best friends with dd, with an open invitation to our house, or helping dd be sneaky and jeopardizing the friendship. As far as I know, there was no more best-friend's-cell-phone sneakiness.

 

I'm not really a huge fan of "make the kid research the topic and write a paper on it." Kids can easily accomplish this without changing their hearts. Indeed, in college I wrote a research paper from the perspective my prof was pushing me to adopt, but I didn't change my mind about the issue (at the time; in later years I came to see that the prof was actually right). Sometimes the only things that will change hearts are disaster or time. I will prevent the former by utilizing the latter.

 

I have always told my children that I am older and wiser and that I will stand by my values and convictions regardless of whether they, the children, like them or agree. I feel that if I, as a parent, don't exercise my right and responsibility to restrict my children from harmful activities, I am falling down on the job. I remember being a teen. I remember being hardheaded and convinced that I was right and that my parents just didn't get it. I wrote reams of poems about how misunderstood I was. Come to find out, my parents got it WAY more than I did, and in retrospect I appreciate their strictness (and in some respects wish they'd been more strict). As my dd grew older, we gradually stepped out of the role of director and into the role of advisor. But with a situation like this, with a 13 year old, I'd be the director.

[Murphy101]

I have had almost no problems banning it for my children below age 16. Our wifi is passworded, so it's fairly simple to change the password and not give it to them. We don't socialize IRL via devices that much, so there isn't much opportunity there. When friends come or go, devices aren't usually even pulled out or it's done in full view of the entire house. Such as playing wii in the living room. Our library requires parental signature to access computers with any minor account and I did not sign it.

 

I realize for various reasons that other people might have a harder time, but it is very possible.

[Murphy101]

Tho I agree it needs to be a heart to heart discussion. I took a son's iPhone away and I have had other parents tell me he wouldn't use their kids because he said they are just too addicting for him. I made the error of thinking at 14 he could handle it, my mistake and that's how I handled it. We waited a few years and gave it to him and have no had a single problem since.

 

They need to know it's not a punishment. It's simply a parental error judging their maturity. Double true for the poor Guinean pig first born. ;)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I HATE HOMESTUCK!!! And everything that comes with that world.

 

Dd was on a message board too. I had the same exact problems; language, slightly sexual, PMs about deleted posts, and even some bannings. My biggest problem was her post count (that sounds wrong). She'd been on the forum a few months and her post count was more than double what mine was here and I'd been here a year or more and was fairly active.

 

The message board I signed her up for was related to some innocent books she fell in love with. The board she posted on was linked through the original.

 

It's been a while since she's access to safari (Internet) and she still speaks daily of that board and the entire (but completely separate) Homestuck world. Her drawings and paintings have even morphed to matched the crap.

 

Once you're involved, there is no end to everything it involves.

 

If I had realized early on what she was getting involved in, I would have stopped it completely.

[MomatHWTK]

Thanks to all of you who have shared your experiences.  We have not faced this particular issue- yet.  I have been sharing with DH what I've learned here and we are both going to be a lot more mindful of the dangers of online interactions. 

[I.Dup.]

Having been there, I will say that no, you can't.

 

However, you can reduce access, which can go a long way toward interrupting negative patterns. In particular, child predators don't waste time on kids whose internet access is sporadic.

 

We had an instance of dd breaking our rules and being banned from the internet in consequence. I found out (because I'm the mom, and I usually find out) that her best friend was allowing dd access on the best friend's cell phone. I sat down both girls and told them I was aware of the situation and that best friend had to decide which was more important: remaining best friends with dd, with an open invitation to our house, or helping dd be sneaky and jeopardizing the friendship. As far as I know, there was no more best-friend's-cell-phone sneakiness.

 

I'm not really a huge fan of "make the kid research the topic and write a paper on it." Kids can easily accomplish this without changing their hearts. Indeed, in college I wrote a research paper from the perspective my prof was pushing me to adopt, but I didn't change my mind about the issue (at the time; in later years I came to see that the prof was actually right). Sometimes the only things that will change hearts are disaster or time. I will prevent the former by utilizing the latter.

 

I have always told my children that I am older and wiser and that I will stand by my values and convictions regardless of whether they, the children, like them or agree. I feel that if I, as a parent, don't exercise my right and responsibility to restrict my children from harmful activities, I am falling down on the job. I remember being a teen. I remember being hardheaded and convinced that I was right and that my parents just didn't get it. I wrote reams of poems about how misunderstood I was. Come to find out, my parents got it WAY more than I did, and in retrospect I appreciate their strictness (and in some respects wish they'd been more strict). As my dd grew older, we gradually stepped out of the role of director and into the role of advisor. But with a situation like this, with a 13 year old, I'd be the director.

 

I need to post this on the fridge :)