What would you think if someone said this to your DH?

[8circles]

"Are you really going to allow your wife to behave this way?  Do you really allow this in your home?"

 

When you, the wife, are standing right there?

 

Kind-of a vent but seriously wanting to know what you think of this.

[PrincessMommy]

completely disrespectful and odious. 

 

[Arcadia]

Someone my age said that to my then boyfriend when I was in university. My ex-bf was shocked.

My hubby would be shocked too but would have kept his mouth shut because we have "violent"/"pick a fight" people around. If it is relatives, my hubby would politely tell the person off.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Both comments together?  Both my dh and I would be open jawed.  He does not monitor or manage my behavior nor I, his.  The second sentence by itself I wouldn't blink at so much because I would assume the "You" to mean both of us. 

[lmrich]

Utterly shocked. I would the seek his wife out and give her a hug. Wow!

[Word Nerd]

Ick--whether it is said in a joking tone or a serious one.

[soufflegirl]

Assuming said wife isn't doing something like kicking small puppies, I'd be floored.

[Little Nyssa]

Ridiculous. I would burst out laughing.

[Truscifi]

I honestly don't know what I would do/think.  Laugh?  Stare at the person like they had an alien growing out of their head?

[Joker]

I might have asked if his wife allowed him to be so stupid as to say something like that. Only it might not have come out so nice. My dh has never been one to ignore this kind of thing though so I probably wouldn't have to say anything.

[Dandelion]

I would assume they're joking - but if that's not a plausible explanation, I would think the person is a total a$$hat.

 

My DH would likely have some sort of comeback for that.  If words failed him, they most certainly wouldn't fail me.  :glare:

[Moxie]

Ridiculous. I would burst out laughing.

This.

[Heatherwith4]

If they were joking, we'd laugh at the somewhat lame joke. If serious, we'd have to pick our jaws up off the floor and I'm certain he would put that person in their place. I'd be pissed.

[8circles]

My mother said it to my DH.  In serious anger, not joking.

 

Long story short, my parents & I have had a strained relationship over the last year.  Among other things, they've invited my boys to stay overnight at their house with my sister present (she lives there) - who I found out later is showing signs of schizophrenia (already dx mental illness) & my parents have spent some nights locked in their bedroom with the knives hidden.  (I feel for them but they are in complete denial, to the point that they deny this has ever happened.)

 

I've not been initiating hugs goodbye with either parent but have given them at times.  My dad has been physically pushing me into my mom to hug her, sometimes to the point of me stumbling & I called him out on it last week.  Today he didn't do it but my mom came to hug me in a very over-the-top smothering way & I calmly asked her not to do that.  This was her reaction after she ranted at me about having the right to hug her daughter if she wanted to.

 

DH was stunned.  He is one who really considers his words before speaking & there wasn't any break in her rant to respond anyway.  sigh.  I seriously hate my life right now.  Who are these people & how did I come from them?

[8circles]

Ridiculous. I would burst out laughing.

 

At the time I almost did.  Now (this happened on Sunday), I just want to cry.

 

[Catwoman]

My mother said it to my DH. In serious anger, not joking.

 

Long story short, my parents & I have had a strained relationship over the last year. Among other things, they've invited my boys to stay overnight at their house with my sister present (she lives there) - who I found out later is showing signs of schizophrenia (already dx mental illness) & my parents have spent some nights locked in their bedroom with the knives hidden. (I feel for them but they are in complete denial, to the point that they deny this has ever happened.)

 

I've not been initiating hugs goodbye with either parent but have given them at times. My dad has been physically pushing me into my mom to hug her, sometimes to the point of me stumbling & I called him out on it last week. Today he didn't do it but my mom came to hug me in a very over-the-top smothering way & I calmly asked her not to do that. This was her reaction after she ranted at me about having the right to hug her daughter if she wanted to.

 

DH was stunned. He is one who really considers his words before speaking & there wasn't any break in her rant to respond anyway. sigh. I seriously hate my life right now. Who are these people & how did I come from them?

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

That's just awful. :(

[Janie Grace]

I would think the speaker is a patriarchal jack@ss and thank my lucky stars that dh isn't that way.

[zoobie]

Whoa. I think it's time for a break from them. I'm sorry.

[Heatherwith4]

Double post

[Heatherwith4]

Ok, I think I would back off from them for a while. :grouphug:

[Mom-ninja.]

I'd laugh. I might even point at the person while laughing and give my leg a slap or two. Then I'd probably end up snorting from all the hard laughing.

[Dandelion]

I'm so sorry.  That's not something you should be hearing from your own mother.  Time for lots of boundaries and lots of space.   :grouphug:

[HRAAB]

I'm so sorry.  At first I thought maybe some friend of your dhs said it and deserved a smart comeback.  Your mother though - that really makes it difficult.  I think I would be needing some space.   :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

that the person is a misogynist.  (and *really* doesn't know dh.)

 

eta:  being female doesn't mean someone can't be misogynist. (i'd swear my grandmother was.)

[fraidycat]

I would THINK "what a jerk."

 

I would SAY a lot more than that. Mother or not. It would start with "are you F'ing kidding me!?!?!, " and it would go on from there. Because something like that said to my DH is not actually directed at my DH, so he would not need to reply. It would be the rant to end all rants and leave the previous ranter speechless.

 

:grouphug: I think it's time for, at minimum, a temporary Detox - toxic family members, that is. I know your parents must be stressed due to your sister, but they have no right to take that stress out on you and your family. Your duty is to your kids - please protect them from the toxicity.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Lisa R.]

Anyone that would say such an irrational thing is unlikely to be swayed by a sensible response. I don't understand those that suggest a snarky or confrontational come-back that would only serve to escalate the drama.

 

Walking away from this sort of craziness seems to be the best course of action.

 

People that display irrationality like this is because they are...irrational. This isn't a reflection on you. I'd feel sorry for her, though, as I'm sure you do.

 

I hope you're able to consider some healthy boundaries that make you feel comfortable and protected.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree with Lisa R in this situation.  They have already crossed the boundary of not providing a safe place for your children.  (And may I say, you have let them do this by taking your children to a place where even the adults are afraid for their safety.)  They have already crossed the boundary of your personal space by forcing the (semi) intimate contact of a hug when you don't want one - to the point of physically pushing you.  (And you've allowed them to do that by going back after the first time this happened.)  Now they have crossed the boundary of your marital relationship by using your relationship with your husband to shame you and to try and guilt you into giving into their demands.  

 

What happens now is up to you.  I say this with kindness but this is an ugly situation that is going to get progressively uglier if you don't draw some very strong boundary lines.  If I were in this situation I would start by either cutting off the relationship altogether or only meeting with them in public for short periods of times.  This will solve the safety problem.  This might solve the physical boundary problem since most people will not push someone in public.  But if they cross that boundary at all, you need to be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  The marital boundary might be more difficult because people will often say all sorts of things as long as they do it quietly enough not to bring attention to themselves.  Again - be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  To tell you the truth, cutting off the relationship entirely is the easiest solution.  Setting strong boundaries and following through when that has not been the family dynamic is extremely hard.  Doable and in some situations, worth it, but really hard.  

[8circles]

I agree with Lisa R in this situation.  They have already crossed the boundary of not providing a safe place for your children.  (And may I say, you have let them do this by taking your children to a place where even the adults are afraid for their safety.)No, I didn't let them go.  They have already crossed the boundary of your personal space by forcing the (semi) intimate contact of a hug when you don't want one - to the point of physically pushing you.  (And you've allowed them to do that by going back after the first time this happened.) You're right.  I didn't say anything before because it was in front of the kids.  As soon as it happened out of their view I confronted him. It's been hard to know how much of this to let the kids see b/c they've accused me of arguing in front of the kids before.  Now they have crossed the boundary of your marital relationship by using your relationship with your husband to shame you and to try and guilt you into giving into their demands.  

 

What happens now is up to you.  I say this with kindness but this is an ugly situation that is going to get progressively uglier if you don't draw some very strong boundary lines.  If I were in this situation I would start by either cutting off the relationship altogether or only meeting with them in public for short periods of times.  This will solve the safety problem.  This might solve the physical boundary problem since most people will not push someone in public.  But if they cross that boundary at all, you need to be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  The marital boundary might be more difficult because people will often say all sorts of things as long as they do it quietly enough not to bring attention to themselves.  Again - be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  To tell you the truth, cutting off the relationship entirely is the easiest solution.  Setting strong boundaries and following through when that has not been the family dynamic is extremely hard.  Doable and in some situations, worth it, but really hard.  

Thank you for your comments.  I feel like I've done the best I could but I know I'm not perfect.  I was raised with this crap.  I'm just discovering how thick the crap is.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you for your comments.  I feel like I've done the best I could but I know I'm not perfect.  I was raised with this crap.  I'm just discovering how thick the crap is.

I'm glad that the kids have been sheltered from a lot of it.  Yeah, this sort of thing sneaks up on you.  But now you know.  And  now is the time for making some hard decisions.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

My mother said it to my DH.  In serious anger, not joking.

 

Long story short, my parents & I have had a strained relationship over the last year.  Among other things, they've invited my boys to stay overnight at their house with my sister present (she lives there) - who I found out later is showing signs of schizophrenia (already dx mental illness) & my parents have spent some nights locked in their bedroom with the knives hidden.  (I feel for them but they are in complete denial, to the point that they deny this has ever happened.)

 

I've not been initiating hugs goodbye with either parent but have given them at times.  My dad has been physically pushing me into my mom to hug her, sometimes to the point of me stumbling & I called him out on it last week.  Today he didn't do it but my mom came to hug me in a very over-the-top smothering way & I calmly asked her not to do that.  This was her reaction after she ranted at me about having the right to hug her daughter if she wanted to.

 

DH was stunned.  He is one who really considers his words before speaking & there wasn't any break in her rant to respond anyway.  sigh.  I seriously hate my life right now.  Who are these people & how did I come from them?

 

that's terrible.  :grouphug:  

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with Lisa R in this situation.  They have already crossed the boundary of not providing a safe place for your children.  (And may I say, you have let them do this by taking your children to a place where even the adults are afraid for their safety.)  They have already crossed the boundary of your personal space by forcing the (semi) intimate contact of a hug when you don't want one - to the point of physically pushing you.  (And you've allowed them to do that by going back after the first time this happened.)  Now they have crossed the boundary of your marital relationship by using your relationship with your husband to shame you and to try and guilt you into giving into their demands.  

 

What happens now is up to you.  I say this with kindness but this is an ugly situation that is going to get progressively uglier if you don't draw some very strong boundary lines.  If I were in this situation I would start by either cutting off the relationship altogether or only meeting with them in public for short periods of times.  This will solve the safety problem.  This might solve the physical boundary problem since most people will not push someone in public.  But if they cross that boundary at all, you need to be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  The marital boundary might be more difficult because people will often say all sorts of things as long as they do it quietly enough not to bring attention to themselves.  Again - be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  To tell you the truth, cutting off the relationship entirely is the easiest solution.  Setting strong boundaries and following through when that has not been the family dynamic is extremely hard.  Doable and in some situations, worth it, but really hard.  

 

:iagree:   I'm so sorry for this painful situation.  :grouphug:

 

[Guest]

I hate to sound rude, but why don't you want to hug your mom?  Are you just not a hugger?  Could you make an exception for your mom?  She obviously wants to hug you.  Is it that big of a deal?

[Guest]

I agree with Lisa R in this situation.  They have already crossed the boundary of not providing a safe place for your children.  (And may I say, you have let them do this by taking your children to a place where even the adults are afraid for their safety.)  They have already crossed the boundary of your personal space by forcing the (semi) intimate contact of a hug when you don't want one - to the point of physically pushing you.  (And you've allowed them to do that by going back after the first time this happened.)  Now they have crossed the boundary of your marital relationship by using your relationship with your husband to shame you and to try and guilt you into giving into their demands.  

 

What happens now is up to you.  I say this with kindness but this is an ugly situation that is going to get progressively uglier if you don't draw some very strong boundary lines.  If I were in this situation I would start by either cutting off the relationship altogether or only meeting with them in public for short periods of times.  This will solve the safety problem.  This might solve the physical boundary problem since most people will not push someone in public.  But if they cross that boundary at all, you need to be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  The marital boundary might be more difficult because people will often say all sorts of things as long as they do it quietly enough not to bring attention to themselves.  Again - be prepared to call your children and leave - immediately.  To tell you the truth, cutting off the relationship entirely is the easiest solution.  Setting strong boundaries and following through when that has not been the family dynamic is extremely hard.  Doable and in some situations, worth it, but really hard.  

 

 

:iagree:   I'm so sorry for this painful situation.  :grouphug:

 

What am I missing?  This just all seems so overly dramatic over a hug,  

[JFSinIL]

In future, if they want to see you or the kids - arrange to meet at a restaurant or other public place where you can get up and LEAVE when they cross the line. 

My folks live several states away. My mom used to  try and get me on the phone to complain about my sister at me* - I told her a few times that I was not discussing my sister with her - I finally started saying "Oops - gotta go" and hanging up whenever she started in.  Mom got the point and no longer goes there.  You just have to "train" the old folks ;-)

 

* My sister has legitimate reasons to not be best buddies with our mom, but I refuse to get dragged into it.

[Mom0012]

My mother said it to my DH. In serious anger, not joking.

 

Long story short, my parents & I have had a strained relationship over the last year. Among other things, they've invited my boys to stay overnight at their house with my sister present (she lives there) - who I found out later is showing signs of schizophrenia (already dx mental illness) & my parents have spent some nights locked in their bedroom with the knives hidden. (I feel for them but they are in complete denial, to the point that they deny this has ever happened.)

 

I've not been initiating hugs goodbye with either parent but have given them at times. My dad has been physically pushing me into my mom to hug her, sometimes to the point of me stumbling & I called him out on it last week. Today he didn't do it but my mom came to hug me in a very over-the-top smothering way & I calmly asked her not to do that. This was her reaction after she ranted at me about having the right to hug her daughter if she wanted to.

 

DH was stunned. He is one who really considers his words before speaking & there wasn't any break in her rant to respond anyway. sigh. I seriously hate my life right now. Who are these people & how did I come from them?

It sounds like things are very strained right now. I don't know the whole story, but visiting them, and then withholding affection would be kind of tough. I don't agree with what your dad is doing or what your mom said, but I think my mother saying something like that out of hurt would feel very differently than some stranger at church. If I went to hug my dd good-bye and she asked me not to, adult or not, I would be hurt. Having my own children has made me much more sensitive about how I would feel if my children acted a certain way, though, and then compare it to how I think my own parents feel. They get a lot more grace now, and I hope my own children will extend that same grace to me someday.

 

You said they are in denial about your sister, and I imagine they are. I wouldn't allow my children to visit for their own safety, and I would be upset about the fact that they had been placed in an unsafe situation, but I don't think I would remain angry for long. My sister has a son who has threatened suicide and gotten into the knife drawer and chased his sister around with it. Neither my sister nor my mom could understand why I don't feel safe with my children over there without me. Even with these behaviors, they don't believe "Nathan" would ever hurt anyone. My sister is the queen of denial and my mom tends to downplay things, but neither of them would ever want my children to get hurt.

 

If it's a crappy relationship overall, then disregard the above. But if this has all started with your sister's decline, I would think about how I wanted to handle this more deeply.

[bettyandbob]

If my mother said that I would think she had lost her mind, because my mother would not say that. 

 

In your situation, is your sister still undiagnosed? Whether or not she is undiagnosed you may want to look up NAMI and see if they have a family support group in your area. Attending could be helpful for you to see how others are handling boundaries,  insight into your parents' responses. It may help you better able to handle your parents and your sister with good boundaries and compassion. Over time (perhaps a long time) your parents may want to come too. http://www.nami.org/  

 

 

[bolt.]

For the whole situation: wow, that's vastly unhealthy. You need a serious, careful (prayerful, if you're a Christian) plan in place in order to deal with this in a good way. It's not a 'one size fits all' -- but you need to not be flying by the seat of your pants here.

 

For the original question: I'd say something like, "Well, gee, someone here has control issues, but I'm sure glad it's you, and not my husband! What kind of cave man marriage do you think this is?"

[*Lulu*]

Whoa.

 

That is completely unacceptable.

 

I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. (((Hugs)))

 

Coming from a situation where substance abuse created a toxic environment, it took years of being in a healthy marriage and becoming a mother myself to fully recognize the dysfunction. Setting the boundaries was hard, but worth it. The most difficult part was mentally preparing to walk away completely if they could not respect my boundaries.

 

Be kind to yourself during this process. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family; that is your responsibility. How your parents feel about you creating healthy space for you and yours is not your responsibility. Neither is how they react or thier opinion of you.

 

(((Hugs))) again, because I know you need them right now.

[8circles]

:iagree:   I'm so sorry for this painful situation.  :grouphug:

 

Thank you.  I just wanted to make sure to point out that I responded to Jean that no, I didn't allow my boys to go there.  I didn't know about the danger specifically but I felt something was off & didn't allow them to go.

 

I hope to sound rude, but why don't you want to hug your mom?  Are you just not a hugger?  Could you make an exception for your mom?  She obviously wants to hug you.  Is it that big of a deal?

This is just a snippet of what's happened in the last year & my whole life, really.  I tried to only talk about parts directly relevant to the situation.  Bottom line is, they aren't healthy people.  I am trying to walk a fine line between protecting my kids (& myself) and not ripping them away from their grandparents, who they love.  By & large my parents are OK with my kids & I do believe they love them.  I don't want to hug them because they've hurt me incredibly deeply.  I feel like I've forgiven them but it is an ongoing process & I'm doing the best I can despite the fact that they deny everything. 

 

What am I missing?  This just all seems so overly dramatic over a hug,  

Yes, it is.  I'm not being dramatic though, I was very calm.  I simply don't want to be forced into something.  Just because she's my mother doesn't mean she has a right to force intimacy.

 

It sounds like things are very strained right now. I don't know the whole story, but visiting them, and then withholding affection would be kind of tough. I didn't visit them.  They visited us.  I think I'm doing quite well about not withholding in general.  We talk, we laugh, we do normal things - I just don'g want to hug them.  I don't agree with what your dad is doing or what your mom said, but I think my mother saying something like that out of hurt would feel very differently than some stranger at church. If I went to hug my dd good-bye and she asked me not to, adult or not, I would be hurt. Having my own children has made me much more sensitive about how I would feel if my children acted a certain way, though, and then compare it to how I think my own parents feel. They get a lot more grace now, and I hope my own children will extend that same grace to me someday.  I agree with you if I had done than out of the blue.  I feel like this is just the next phase of "I don't know what happened to our relationship" when they do know.  Denial, denial, denial.

 

You said they are in denial about your sister, and I imagine they are. I wouldn't allow my children to visit for their own safety, and I would be upset about the fact that they had been placed in an unsafe situation, but I don't think I would remain angry for long. My sister has a son who has threatened suicide and gotten into the knife drawer and chased his sister around with it. Neither my sister nor my mom could understand why I don't feel safe with my children over there without me. Even with these behaviors, they don't believe "Nathan" would ever hurt anyone. My sister is the queen of denial and my mom tends to downplay things, but neither of them would ever want my children to get hurt.

 

If it's a crappy relationship overall, then disregard the above. But if this has all started with your sister's decline, I would think about how I wanted to handle this more deeply.

Yes, it's a crappy reliationship overall.  My sister is just the catalyst to several of these issues but the issues are there that have nothing to do with her.

 

If my mother said that I would think she had lost her mind, because my mother would not say that. 

 

In your situation, is your sister still undiagnosed? Whether or not she is undiagnosed you may want to look up NAMI and see if they have a family support group in your area. Attending could be helpful for you to see how others are handling boundaries,  insight into your parents' responses. It may help you better able to handle your parents and your sister with good boundaries and compassion. Over time (perhaps a long time) your parents may want to come too. http://www.nami.org/  

Thank you.  I'm not ready for anything like this though.  She is dx narcissist among other things but I don't know if they are different diagnoses or if they exist together (don't know if that makes sense) & has just in the last year showed schizophrenic behavior.  She has gone for the 24 hour psych eval (whatever it's called) several times but she's in her 40's, there's nothing they can do if she isn't willing.  My other sister is a psychiatrist in another state & does what she can to help but there really isn't anything to be done.  I'm working on boundaries with them all & I've never been stingy with compassion.  I can't say enough how much empathy I have for them & their situation.  I can't do more for people who deny there is a problem.

[Mom0012]

Never mind. I quoted the wrong response and I see the OP has posted that she feels the whole relationship has always been a mess.

[Murphy101]

"Are you really going to allow your wife to behave this way? Do you really allow this in your home?"

 

When you, the wife, are standing right there?

 

Kind-of a vent but seriously wanting to know what you think of this.

My Dh said he'd laugh and tell them they were really in for it now. I'd laugh too. Because they are idiots.

 

I try not to take that kind of stupid too seriously bc I'm not going to validate their foolishness.

 

ETA: read this was your parents, your mom. I'd probably still do the above and likely point out that I have no desire to be the kind of wife she thinks is proper and she should accept that as quickly as possible. My mother would have said something like that and yes, I would have said that to her. We did not have a cozy giving spontanious bear hugs relationship either. (((hugs)))

[8circles]

Whoa.

 

That is completely unacceptable.

 

I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this. (((Hugs)))

 

Coming from a situation where substance abuse created a toxic environment, it took years of being in a healthy marriage and becoming a mother myself to fully recognize the dysfunction. Setting the boundaries was hard, but worth it. The most difficult part was mentally preparing to walk away completely if they could not respect my boundaries.

 

Be kind to yourself during this process. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family; that is your responsibility. How your parents feel about you creating healthy space for you and yours is not your responsibility. Neither is how they react or thier opinion of you.

 

(((Hugs))) again, because I know you need them right now.

 

Thank you so much for this post.  I feel like you really get this.  The bold is what I'm struggling with.  For me, I'm ready.  For my kids, I'm not. 

 

[8circles]

ETA:  Removed quote because it was deleted.

 

I appreciate your response but I would describe it as abusive.  I don't want to go into the specifics because honestly nobody wants to read through all of it.  But in a nutshell, my family is all about shame & control.  I've had enough.  So far they haven't done that with my kids so I've not wanted to rip them away from my kids for my kids' sake.  This is constantly being re-evaluated.
 

[8circles]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.  I can't respond individually bc I'm trying to bake cookies for VBS & make sure my kids don't wake the neighbors & get out the door in time.  But I appreciate everyone's input - especially the hugs.

[Mom0012]

I appreciate your response but I would describe it as abusive. I don't want to go into the specifics because honestly nobody wants to read through all of it. But in a nutshell, my family is all about shame & control. I've had enough. So far they haven't done that with my kids so I've not wanted to rip them away from my kids for my kids' sake. This is constantly being re-evaluated.

 

Yes, I understand now. After I saw your earlier response, I deleted this, but you were too quick for me. Sorry you are going through this.

[Hoot]

While I haven't read the other replies for possible clarification, my first inclination would be that said man's chauvinistic head would be firmly planted on a stick... a long, pointy stick.  What an ass.

[Tammyla]

I'm so sorry...it sounds like an awfully difficult family-mess.  I think family-messes are the worse, because you can't easily disengage.

 

The book BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend is an empowering and very helpful resource; I recommend buying or checking out a library copy and reading it as fast as you can. 

[Parrothead]

If I were behaving badly enough for someone to say that, the person would be in danger of beheading for saying it in front of me.