How is this for an apology and thank you?

[lollie010]

I hate to put a lot of personal information online, but hey, it’s after 11pm and I can’t call anyone IRL this late. I know, I know. It is a book, but I feel better just typing it all out.

 

So, here is the story. I have a very delicate relationship with my in-laws. In the past some words have been misspoken against me and I have not been able to correct the misunderstanding. There are a few barriers, including language, distance, and culture. Despite that I thought that things were “good enough†until I was 41 weeks pregnant with my daughter who was born in December. I had been sick the entire pregnancy, including a trip to the hospital for what appeared to be a potentially fatal complication. It all ended well, but it was an extremely difficult time. Anyway, my mother in law called during contractions and told my husband that she did not want to have a relationship at all with any of us, because he had clearly chosen us (the wife and four kids) over her. My dh was fine with that resolution as he just wanted the drama gone and wanted to protect me. It hurt me to the core and at my request my dh tried to work on his relationship with her and by the end of March they had a few phone calls with each other.

 

On April 4, my father (who I am extremely close to) died after a relatively quick battle with lung cancer. I was surprised to receive some very beautiful flowers from my mother in law and my two brothers in law, although there has been no other contact. I appreciated the flowers and put the card in with the stack of cards to send out thank you notes. In the meantime my very dear grandmother, who is suffering with Alzheimer’s took a drastic turn and it looks like her time is very limited. So, I have been a bit distracted with everything and the new baby and have not sent out thank you notes yet. Today, we received a condescending voice mail from my BIL stating that MIL deserves her thank you and that we owe her at least that. I am a people pleaser and I truly want a relationship with them.

 

So here is my thank you and apology letter. How do you think it will be recieved? I am looking for input.

 

Dear Mrs. T. I hope that you all are doing well. I just wanted to send my sincerest apologies for not yet getting a thank you note to you for the stunning flowers that were sent after my father's funeral. The card gave me special comfort on what was an enormously difficult day. After that we were immediately faced with my grandmother's decline. It looks like she has only a matter of days to live. I have honestly just been trying to get one foot in front of the next each moment. When I got (BIL's) message about not having thanked you, my heart dropped. I love you all so much and hate to know that I have contributed to any of you feeling unappreciated. Please know that although the circumstances of the last few weeks have had me highly distracted, you all are never far from our hearts. Thank you for your kind words and sympathies a well as the beautiful flowers.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is more than gracious.

[AmyontheFarm]

Yes, send it.

[MotherMayI]

I think it is a lovely, heartfelt, and gracious letter. I am very sorry about the loss of your father and your grandmothers decline.

[Desert Rat]

Your note is beautifully written.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your ILs is so strained. And while it is very inappropriate to "call out" someone for not sending a thank you note, you are handling the situation with far more grace than was shown to you.

 

My sincerest condolences to you and yours for loss of your dad and your grandmother's decline. Hugs to you, Laurel.

And congrats on your new baby!

[lollie010]

It is more than gracious.

 

 

Thanks so much Jean. Many tears went into it, because my instinct is to just lash out.

[soonermomma]

Very classy!

[lollie010]

Thank you all so much for giving me the courage to do what is right.

[laundrycrisis]

I am sorry for what you have been facing. :grouphug:

 

Your note is beautifully written. I would send it as is. However - I will say that with the small amount of info that you have shared here, your MIL and BIL sound like they may be very toxic people. If you are a people pleaser, the dynamics of this combination could be a source of pain for you for many years. Going forward, I would want to set boundaries with them, and be prepared to bail on the relationship if they can't be respected. It may be helpful to look up the threads about family members with narcissistic or borderline personality issues. Calling while you were in labor and making such a declaration about the relationship, drawing attention to herself, and showing such petty jealousy, is something an NPD person might do. Definitely sets my alarms off. BIL's idea that anything is owed to MIL fits into this type of relationship dynamic. If I send a bouquet and card to a grieving friend, it was freely given from my heart, and nothing is expected in return. Thank yous are nice, but I don't need one to feel good about what I gave, and with someone who is grieving, it may often be many months before they are ready to deal with sending out thank yous. Your father passed away very recently. IMO it is ridiculous and highly toxic for your DH's family to be jerking you around with guilt trips and social expectations.

 

I would send it and not give these people any more thought for now. Attend to your grandmother. Your DH's family does not need your attention right now, no matter what shenanigans they may pull to try to get it.

 

Apologies if I am reading too much in here, but this kind of dynamic is a BTDT thing for me. My tolerance for it has dropped to zero.

[Sisyphus]

The note is perfect, but I can't help but feel it may be wasted on the recipients. Their behavior has been pretty wretched, after all. When people show you who they are, believe them- isn't that the quote?

 

Im so sorry for all the pain you've gone through with the recent loss of your dad.

[Shamzanne]

It is encouraging to read such a gracious response. Your husband is lucky to be married to you.

[lollie010]

I am sorry for what you have been facing. :grouphug:

 

Your note is beautifully written. I would send it as is. However - I will say that with the small amount of info that you have shared here, your MIL and BIL sound like they may be very toxic people. If you are a people pleaser, the dynamics of this combination could be a source of pain for you for many years. Going forward, I would want to set boundaries with them, and be prepared to bail on the relationship if they can't be respected. It may be helpful to look up the threads about family members with narcissistic or borderline personality issues. Calling while you were in labor and making such a declaration about the relationship, drawing attention to herself, and showing such petty jealousy, is something an NPD person might do. Definitely sets my alarms off. BIL's idea that anything is owed to MIL fits into this type of relationship dynamic. If I send a bouquet and card to a grieving friend, it was freely given from my heart, and nothing is expected in return. Thank yous are nice, but I don't need one to feel good about what I gave, and with someone who is grieving, it may often be many months before they are ready to deal with sending out thank yous. Your father passed away very recently. IMO it is ridiculous and highly toxic for your DH's family to be jerking you around with guilt trips and social expectations.

 

I would send it and not give these people any more thought for now. Attend to your grandmother. Your DH's family does not need your attention right now, no matter what shenanigans they may pull to try to get it.

 

Apologies if I am reading too much in here, but this kind of dynamic is a BTDT thing for me. My tolerance for it has dropped to zero.

 

 

Thank you so much for understanding. Your advice is very wise. This is why I am having an internal struggle about how to approach it. I think to the extent that I have done any wrong (not thanking her) I want to apologize and get it off of my conscience. But, I believe this is the last of my "obligations." At any point if they become willing and able to have a healthy relationship I am all over it. Otherwise, I have enough going on here just trying to stay positive for the sake of the kids who are still crying every night for their granddaddy.

[laundrycrisis]

Thank you so much for understanding. Your advice is very wise. This is why I am having an internal struggle about how to approach it. I think to the extent that I have done any wrong (not thanking her) I want to apologize and get it off of my conscience. But, I believe this is the last of my "obligations." At any point if they become willing and able to have a healthy relationship I am all over it. Otherwise, I have enough going on here just trying to stay positive for the sake of the kids who are still crying every night for their granddaddy.

 

 

:grouphug: You haven't done anything wrong - their expectations are ridiculous. You don't owe anyone anything. But it is very gracious of you to send such a thoughtful note.

 

I hope things get easier for you soon. :grouphug:

[lollie010]

You ladies have just saved me some serious money by offering free counseling. :001_smile:

[SKL]

I don't know that I would apologize. I can't help wondering what it is about that relationship that you would want to preserve. When you apologize for breathing, you're agreeing with them that they deserve your every breath. My goodness. Do people actually keep track of whether they received a thank-you from a grieving person? I have received some, but more often I do not. I would probably send a pleasant thank-you but without the apology. .... So very sorry for all you are going through.

[GWOB]

Oh Honey! First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Secondly, I'm sorry your mil decided to cause drama while you were having a baby. Finally, I give you hugs and prayers while dealing with the impending loss of your grandma.

 

Your letter is absolutely perfect. Your honest heart is quite evident. I say this as someone who in 12 hours will drive 16 hours to visit her dying daddy. I am barely functioning now while dealing with my dad's illness. I cannot imagine functioning in any sort of manor after he leaves this world. You really have said and done enough. Really. If your mil and bil cannot understand the tremendous amount of stress you are currently experiencing, they do not deserve to be in such a kind-hearted person's life.

 

Big, big hugs to you.

[Dandelion]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, and your grandmother's failing health. :grouphug: I agree with everyone else. Your note is more than gracious. You don't owe them an apology. Kudos to you for taking the high road here.

[G5052]

Yes, very gracious. MIL's generation is more focused on that type of thing than ours is. I have a relative who is otherwise very reasonable who gets very worked up about thank you notes and birthday cards. I indulge when I'm late with them because that is really the only hitch in our relationship.

[speedmom4]

Your ILs sound like incredibly selfish and manipulative people. I would go ahead and send the card. It is beautifully written. You will know that you did the right thing and no blame can be on your shoulders.

 

:grouphug:

 

Elise in NC

[poppy]

I think you are very wise. Send the note because you feel it is the right thing to do, but, have zero expectations for a future relationship. I am sorry for your losses and wish you as little drama as possible.

[lavender's green]

I am a huge believer in thank-you notes, but I really think it's okay to forget about them with all the stuff you've had going on - normal people wouldn't hold it against you. It would have been gracious of them to send a note or email saying "Did you receive your flowers? You never know about delivery...." if they really cared about whether you had received them and how you felt about it (this is what I would do if you and I had a rocky relationship and I truly cared to know that you had accepted my heartfelt gift). An angry note saying "MIL deserves thanks at the very least" suggests something different, kwim? I've had relatives pull that line in different circumstances, and their intentions have never been good.

 

That being said, your note is very gracious and classy and takes the high road. Just be on your guard about manipulation, because that's what it sounds like their ultimate intentions are. Send the note and the problem's fixed; no more guilting allowed. Be prepared to give up on the crazies.

[Tammyla]

I agree, it's more than gracious.

 

I also agree they are toxic; please keep that in mind as you navigate the road ahead. It's easy to get into a pattern of letting them hurt you, thinking they wont be so unkind to their grand-children, but eventually it happens. (I say this thinking your mil had to take time to stir up bil to deliver her hurtful little demand / attack.)

[Cindy in FL.]

If I was you I would take out the part about BIL's message. It makes it seem like you are capitulating to your MIL's demands. You are sending thank you notes to everyone who sent flowers, etc. because it is important to you to acknowledge their kindness and support. For that reason, I would treat her thank you note the same as all the others. You owe her nothing more than that in my opinion. Continue to be the considerate, loving person you are and don't be a doormat to your ILs!

[lollie010]

I appreciate all of the input. You are a great group of wise and caring ladies. It would make me feel so much better to go into all of the sordid details of the last 17 years, but its just too much. I want to be able to say that no matter what I acted honorably and encouraged my dh toward the same. Too bad there is not a private social group for venting about IL's. :001_smile: There may be an anonymous book in the future. Watch for it...I'll give a shout out to you all who got me through last night, without me making any ugly phone calls.

[lollie010]

 

(I say this thinking your mil had to take time to stir up bil to deliver her hurtful little demand / attack.)

 

 

This is a good point! Manipulation all around.

[Zebra]

She seems to be having an adult tantrum. You need to do what you think is best, but I kind of think sending a thank you note because she got mad at you is reinforcing bad behavior. She wants you to react, she even went to the trouble of getting BIL in the middle of something that isn't his business. I think you need to stop playing this game with her. A normal person would possibly call you and say something like, "Oh, did you get the flowers...." or even a calm "I was hurt you didn't send a thank you note yet." Although I can't even fathom someone saying that about sympathy flowers. Most people send flowers in a situation like this for comfort for the bereaved, and not to get a thank you card. I would just calmly continue with my original plan of sending all the thank you notes out when I got around to it. You can't control the actions of others, but you can certainly control your reactions. I would suggest that you don't get sucked into this. That's my opinion, FWIW :) .

[NotSoObvious]

I just wanted to add that I am a big thank you note person, but I never expect a thank you for something I send for condolences. People shouldn't feel the burden of thank yous when they are in pain.

 

I don't think you owe her anything.

[SKL]

I just wanted to add that I am a big thank you note person, but I never expect a thank you for something I send for condolences. People shouldn't feel the burden of thank yous when they are in pain.

 

I don't think you owe her anything.

I'm glad I'm not the only one on this! My friend lost her mom several weeks ago and is still dealing with a lot. She hasn't sent thank-yous (and I'm not sure she intends to). It's not as if she doesn't already have too much on her plate, dealing with funeral arrangements, family grief, estate issues, and the regular responsibilities that don't suddenly stop just because a loved one died. I am sorry, but I can't imagine being so nasty as to complain about not getting a thank you for a sympathy card! I remember the first time I received such a thank you, and I was surprised. Previously I didn't even know etiquette suggested doing that at such a time. ... Bottom line, the MIL was plain nasty and so was the BIL! Where are his balls? I don't care how much my mom ranted, there is no way I'd pick up the phone and deliver that kind of message to a grieving person. Beyond nasty, I think it's sick. :/ I'd send my thank-yous when I was good and ready and treat everyone the same.

[Remudamom]

You win hands down. That is beyond gracious. Especially for someone rude enough to complain about not getting a thank you note.

 

And I'm with NSO. Who in the world expects a thank you note in that situation?

[SKL]

How about the following: Dear MIL. Thanks for the kind reminder to send out thank-you cards for the flowers I received at my dad's funeral. I can't believe I let little things like grief, my grandmother's severe health problems, and caring for my baby and children slow me down on that. Goodness. Since my grandmother may die soon, I am going to be pro-active and write your thank you card in advance, in case you decide to send me more beautiful flowers. Not that I expect you to, mind you, I mean you've already been gracious beyond measure, but just in case. It will be waiting to go out the instant I receive said flowers. I am sure I can count on you to let me know if a couple of weeks go by without my card reaching you. Thanks for being such a thoughtful person in my life. It really helps get me through the rough times. With love . . . .

[PrairieSong]

Wait just a minute! Your father died on April 4 and they are complaining about not receiving a thank you??? Even if you did not have all the extra on your plate with a new baby and sick grandmother, don't grieving people get a few weeks to do this? Really?

 

I am so sorry they are being so unreasonable and awful toward you. They sound troubled, to put it mildly. I would send a nice thank you for the flowers but no apology.

 

And I am so sorry for the loss of your father. {{{HUGS}}}

[elegantlion]

I think the note is overly gracious. I am sorry for your loss.

 

I think as long as you send the note from a position of strength, in the sense that you are using your manners in a sense to call them out, it's great. If you feel coerced to send it, that it violates your sense of being, don't.

[Garga]

 

 

Dear Mrs. T. I hope that you all are doing well. I just wanted to send my sincerest apologies for not yet getting a thank you note to you for the stunning flowers that were sent after my father's funeral. The card gave me special comfort on what was an enormously difficult day. After that we were immediately faced with my grandmother's decline. It looks like she has only a matter of days to live. I have honestly just been trying to get one foot in front of the next each moment.

 

************Good up to this point.***********

 

When I got (BIL's) message about not having thanked you, my heart dropped. I love you all so much and hate to know that I have contributed to any of you feeling unappreciated. Please know that although the circumstances of the last few weeks have had me highly distracted, you all are never far from our hearts.

 

*************I'd remove the above bits.*********

 

Thank you for your kind words and sympathies a well as the beautiful flowers.

 

*************I'd keep the last sentence.***********

 

 

The middle bit is simpering. It shows the power they have over you. Power that they should not have, so don't tip your hand and let them know they have that power over you.

 

The bit about loving them, frankly, seems farfetched. Do you love them? I can't imagine that you can love people who have hurt you for 17 years. You may do your best to make room for them in your life and treat them with integrity, but do you love them? Are they really never far from your hearts?

 

The middle part is too doormat-y. The rest is perfect.

[TexasRachel]

Um yeah I would not expect a thank you note from someone who just lost a family member. Ridiculous.

I don't. I think I would just go back to ignoring them. Your family doesn't need such toxic people in your life.

[lavender's green]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did not catch that your father died only two and a half weeks ago when I wrote my post above. In that case, your thank-you note is not by any means late (again, not that normal people would hold it against you, and even in the case of a rocky relationship they should have addressed it in a non-confrontational way). For crying out loud, newlyweds have an entire month to send thank-you cards, and they're only busy in the fun sense!

 

Their anger is inappropriate, and while I still think it's very gracious to send a thank-you note, you should remove all references to lateness. Because it is absolutely not late. Don't let them make it all about them when you're still in deep mourning. Just acknowledge that it was very kind of them to think of you and send an olive branch. And if you don't love them, don't write it!

 

I'm sorry about your dad and grandmother, and everything else you're dealing with at the same time.

[WishboneDawn]

I think it's beautiful. I also think you're right to send it as I tend to think (althou

gh I often fail in practice) that we should treat people according to our own internal standard of how people should be treated and not be stuck reacting to their actions.

[lollie010]

Just received word that my grandmother passed. So very heartbroken.

[Cindy in FL.]

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. You have certainly been through a lot in recent days. Praying for comfort for you and your family during this time.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just received word that my grandmother passed. So very heartbroken.

 

I am so sorry, Laurel. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Laurel, I am so sorry for your loss of your father and grandmother. Praying for comfort and peace for you, and the ability to focus on the family that needs you now while ignoring the ones who only want something from you.

[QueenCat]

I think you are very wise. Send the note because you feel it is the right thing to do, but, have zero expectations for a future relationship. I am sorry for your losses and wish you as little drama as possible.

 

Yes, this... do it for you, for your dh. I would send something similar in the same situation, as the extender of grace. We choose our actions/reactions, not the actions/reactions of others.

[zoobie]

I am so sorry for your losses.

 

If you feel it is right to send the note, send it. I would leave out the BIL comment because it is by no means late! I do not expect thank you notes for condolences. Unless you really do love them (versus feel a familial obligation to them), I'd leave that out too.

 

FWIW, they sound toxic. Calling your DH while you are in labor to cut him off? That's sick. Seriously mentally ill. I would not want to subject myself or my family to such abuse.

[SnowWhite]

My sympathy flows to you, and I agree that you needn't apologize in the slightest.

[PrairieSong]

Just received word that my grandmother passed. So very heartbroken.

 

I am so sorry you lost your grandmother. I wish you comfort in your grief, and the support and love of family and friends. I will be praying for you.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

Just received word that my grandmother passed. So very heartbroken.

 

[lavender's green]

I'm so sorry about your grandmother.

 

Put your in-laws on the backburner once you write your note. You have more than enough stuff to do and worry about at the moment. Try not to waste mental energy on them (easier said than done).

 

:grouphug:

[Ipsey]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandparents. How horrible.

I also think your letter is beyond gracious.

I, however, would not say that "I love you all so much," unless you actually do. If you're religious, I realize "love" sometimes has a different definition than how I understand it, but if you don't actually "love" them (and I don't imagine _I_ would), be honest and leave that part out. Saying you love them won't make them love you, if they don't. And you don't have to waste those precious words on them.

:grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I never sent Thank you's to people who did things for me to show they cared when my mom died. I wouldn't expect a thank you from anyone if I did something for them. When someone has run into me or called, many times, I have been thanked. However, it would never occur to me that they should have done that. It defeats the intent behind being supportive when someone is grieving, imo. ETA: I think what you wrote is beautiful. Only send it if you really want to send it, not because they demanded it.

[TKDmom]

Just echoing everyone else here, but's a beautiful letter. Send it for you. It will lift a burden from your shoulders to respond to their nastiness with graciousness.

 

But don't expect them to give anything back in return. Personally, I'd spend as little mental energy on them as possible from here on out. Respond to them with kindness, but don't go out of your way to try to have a "normal" relationship (or any relationship at all, really) with them.

 

And :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your losses.

[Hen]

so sorry for your recent loss.

 

{hugs}

 

send the thank you and then don't think about them anymore, and let dh handle any phone calls from them