Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I have a friend of about 3 years. Her daughter and my son (younger) are good friends. I have always known her to be quite judgmental of others, very "complaining" about everything that happens etc. Well, today, for the first time, she turned that judgmentalism on me. I am actually surprised at how much it bothered me and how....exhausted it made me feel. I have never had a friend do this, but I knew she was capable of it so I really shouldn't be surprised. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 To be perfectly honest I'd start backing away. Life it too short for tiring people. I'd start not being available, but do what I could to keep the childrens' friendship intact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 It would depend on what it was about. If she was trying to be helpful, that would be one thing. If she was truly being mean-spirited I would talk to her and let her know you were shocked and offended by the comment. A 3-year long friendship is nothing to just toss away. I would try to get it resolved to keep her and her daughter in your lives. I know many on this board are of the opinion of 1 strike and you're out; but, in my experience, friends don't come along that easily so I would really work to salvage it if I could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 You're probably right. My dh has said something similar. I tend to REALLY give people the benefit of the doubt, and accept that everyone is different, some people just come wired to complain more. But really, I was sorta bowled over and hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 What a drag. I'd probably attempt to steer the conversation towards something we could both complain about. :rolleyes: The weather? Shark attacks? Flat tires? Broken fingernails? If my son deeply valued the friendship, I'd really, really try to be polite to the mom. She's probably lonely and has anxiety if she's like that. Otherwise, I think we'd be suddenly too busy to get together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 After reading your last post, this is not a friend. She sounds like a witch with a b. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 She is lonely, is very over protective of her only daughter, and doesn't have a lot of friends. In fact, most of the moms at her daughters school shun her (as in, won't invite her OR her daughter to events, won't include her). The teacher actually banned her from volunteering at school, which I didn't even know was allowed. I feel so torn. I would feel torn, too. I'm sorry! It's so much better when everyone gets along. I had no idea someone could be banned from volunteering at school. That is...intense. What are you leaning towards doing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'd tell her to beat it. Sounds like she's the type to criticize all she can to make herself feel better. And now you've become her target. Screw that. She's an adult and can face reality on her own. You don't need to be the one who takes her crap just so she has at least one friend, KWIM? I went through this at the end of last summer. It was emotionally draining and was turning *me* into a pessimistic jerk. Not worth it. You're not responsible for her self esteem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 that's a pretty common mistake. so common in fact that they make medicine to stop it. is your friend aware that every vet and grooming place keeps "kwik stop" or something similar on hand for when they do the same thing daily? i'm sorry you had to deal with that. sounds like you need a new friend. imagine if you actually do something someday that is truly a blunder & requires grace. she would be a ball of fun then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Well, she seems to be burning her own bridges. I would just allow the friendship to drop. You don't need that kind of anguish in your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 So sorry you are having to deal with this, but I do understand your dilemma. It would be best to reduce the amount of time you spend together, but can you just speak to her frankly and repeat what she said to you? Tell her how much it hurt you and that you feel it was unneccesarily harsh? Maybe no one wants to be around her because she is this way, but also, maybe no one has told her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I had a friend something like this. When I was first getting to know her she would talk about how all her other friendships had fallen apart. Then I finally figured it out. She was the common denominator. I took it a few times when she judged me - just let it go. But then she started being very judgmental about my children. That was when I stopped being available to her. I didn't like being her punching bag, but she certainly wasn't going to use my children. It was emotionally draining. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I would probably make an attempt to tell her how hurt you were by her comments. This is clearly an ongoing problem that your friend has, based on her lack of frineds and being banned from volunteering - yikes! She must really be something! But I would at least try - mostly because I forsee such lonliness and misery ahead for her if she can't change this behavior. :grouphug: :grouphug: Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 What you shared in your second post is more than just judgmental in my opinion. I would not keep someone in my life who called me names. Only you can judge whether this person has enough redeeming qualities to warrant giving her a second chance. Personally, I would be distancing myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Nope. Next time she called I'd say I was busy butchering the dog and unavailable. If she called me on it I'd tell her flat out I didn't have interest in her idea of a friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Goodbye. I'm not one to toss aside a friendship, but I would be done with that. I had to part company from someone before for similar behavior. With her, it was my clothing and my house. She criticized my clothing regularly, kept urging me to buy clothes where she thought I should and made constant comments about unfinished things in my house. (This was when we were first married and dh built our house almost entirely himself.) There were some other nutty things about her and I just had to find myself unavailable to her until she stopped trying. :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I would feel torn, too. I'm sorry! It's so much better when everyone gets along. I had no idea someone could be banned from volunteering at school. That is...intense. What are you leaning towards doing? I don't know. I feel completely undecided. I tend to get along with almost everyone, as long as they aren't cruel people. And I don't really think she meant it to be cruel. SHe LOVES her dog and I guess she can't imagine doing that to her dog. I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'm really conflicted about this because I have a 'friend' in my life who is extremely difficult. She's overprotective and hypercritical (I think). She knows how to do everything better than everyone, etc. But, this friend's children are really lonely! My kids love to play with her kids. She's not damaging to me, and although she criticizes me (and most people) and just about every decision I make, she doesn't attack me or call me names like 'ditz.' When the timing seemed right, I once suggested she lighten up a bit, but she became pretty defensive. I let it go. It was never brought it up again. In the end, I decided it's okay for me to reach out to the kids, in spite of the mom. I do limit the time we spend together and don't always answer the phone when she calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'm with remudamom on this one. If she doesn't want to alienate every person she ever meets in her whole life, she is certainly free to think it over and maybe apologize! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 What you shared in your second post is more than just judgmental in my opinion. I would not keep someone in my life who called me names. Only you can judge whether this person has enough redeeming qualities to warrant giving her a second chance. Personally, I would be distancing myself. Agreed. That wasn't judgmental. That was mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Yeah ...sounds like she just reacted because of the dog. But wow. I guess you could try telling her she was being over the top. Or just quietly avoid her? That's my usual method. LOL This is me too. I am SO not good at confrontation. Even just saying "Hey, you really were a bit over the top the other day" would be, I think, beyond me. I am really a wimp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 OP - you sound like a sweet person who is really trying to give this woman the benefit of the doubt. She's lonely and you feel bad for her. But don't underestimate how emotionally draining and ultimately damaging it can be to hang around someone who is judgmental and negative all the time. It does take its toll and it will affect you, even if you feel you can handle it. If she treats you that way in front of your kids, it can also negatively influence their perception of what's acceptable in a friendship. Just something to think about. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I feel bad for the little girl.... Maybe your son and her can play at school (where the mom is banned). I would be uneasy with the entire deal. This type of person (overprotective) is one who sues if something goes wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Being a little judgey is one thing. Calling someone names is something else entirely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I was in a similar friendship for a few years. It was only after they moved away that I fully realized how draining it had been. I know it isn't an easy situation. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I agree, that sounds way past judgmental to me. Yikes. I would probably back away too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinmami01 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 After reading your last post, this is not a friend. She sounds like a witch with a b. Yes, after reading your explanation, I would be highly offended by someone who talked to me like that. No way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 She needs you more than you need her. You are in the position of power and she's bullying to try and make it appear the other way around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 We don't hang out anymore. There was no big break-up, although there was a phone chat about moving in different directions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 If you've been friends for three years, could you possibly explain to her how she comes across to people? She needs someone to lovingly explain how to interact with people or she is going to be very lonely for a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I will probably delete this, but basically, we visited today and she commented on how long my dog's nails were and I said "yes, they grow really fast" so she suggested I trim them with her dog's nail trimmer. I normally bring them to the vet, but I trim my own cat's nails easily, so I agreed. Well, my dog's nails are black and it's hard to see the end, dog was unused to me cutting his nail and he "jerked" his paw forward and I caused his nail to bleed. I felt terrible, But she just kept saying what a ditz I was she can't believe I did that, was I stupid, she can't believe anyone would ever come to my acupuncture office ("I'm certainly staying away") and that I was a "bad mom" to my dog and an "air head". The bleeding stopped quickly and he returned to running around. I KNOW i made a stupid mistake, But she wouldn't let up. I joked how DH had accidentally cut ds' finger when trimming his nails as a newborn and she said that was "terrible" and "not something that usually happens" (I was trying to lighten the mood). I commented that my dog seemed to be fine, wasn't limping or anything and she said "Oh, no, he's limping, and look at him licking it. He's in terrible pain". I KNOW I made a mistake, but really, I am a good dog mom and I really was hurt. Don't quote. Run. She's toxic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 If you've been friends for three years, could you possibly explain to her how she comes across to people? She needs someone to lovingly explain how to interact with people or she is going to be very lonely for a long time. I think most people know, by the age of 5, that it's not okay to call their friends "stupid" or an "airhead". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Nope. Next time she called I'd say I was busy butchering the dog and unavailable. LOL! I was all prepared to agree with MeghanL until I saw your update post. That is crazy, KRAZEEEEEE. No, I am not going to hang with people who think they can talk to me...or anyone else like that. I probably would have looked at her like she had three heads and asked if she had lost her mind. That was seriously unhinged, not to mention just plain mean. If she acted like that with you though, makes me wonder what her DD gets at home. Just imagine her reaction to spilled milk! And for a bit of cheering up for you, I can't cut my dog's nails at all because he knows I'm rotten at it (black nails also). I was asked by a good friend to trim her newborn's nails (so new he was still in the hospital LOL) and I cut him and made him bleed too. I was mortified, naturally. It was her first baby (as in human child!), and she still didn't treat me like an idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Did your face show that you were shocked and surprised by her comments? If not, it should have. There's nothing wrong with reacting to rudeness by being shocked and surprised. I agree with the others: I'd start backing off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Good Grief, what a drama queen! I have no patience for people like that. I would walk away and not look back. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I will probably delete this, but basically, we visited today and she commented on how long my dog's nails were and I said "yes, they grow really fast" so she suggested I trim them with her dog's nail trimmer. I normally bring them to the vet, but I trim my own cat's nails easily, so I agreed. Well, my dog's nails are black and it's hard to see the end, dog was unused to me cutting his nail and he "jerked" his paw forward and I caused his nail to bleed. I felt terrible, But she just kept saying what a ditz I was she can't believe I did that, was I stupid, she can't believe anyone would ever come to my acupuncture office ("I'm certainly staying away") and that I was a "bad mom" to my dog and an "air head". The bleeding stopped quickly and he returned to running around. I KNOW i made a stupid mistake, But she wouldn't let up. I joked how DH had accidentally cut ds' finger when trimming his nails as a newborn and she said that was "terrible" and "not something that usually happens" (I was trying to lighten the mood). I commented that my dog seemed to be fine, wasn't limping or anything and she said "Oh, no, he's limping, and look at him licking it. He's in terrible pain". I KNOW I made a mistake, but really, I am a good dog mom and I really was hurt. Don't quote. Um ... and you call her a friend? If I had someone talk to me like that, I would show her the door and tell her not to let it hit her in the a$$ on the way out. She had shown you her true colors all along, but her comments to your face should convince you what kind of friend she is - one who really doesn't know the meaning of the word. BTW, I don't trim my dog's nails for that very reason. It is worth the couple dollars in gas and the $5 I pay a groomer to do it for me. You did not make a stupid mistake. It was an understandable accident - very easy to do. Her comment about your competence as an acupuncturist has no bearing here. You are not dealing with jittery dogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Sounds like she has Issues. (Capitalization intentional!) I'm sure your pup is fine. We keep that quick stop stuff on hand because we seem to do it every time. So far our dogs have not packed their furry bags and tried to leave. ;) Can you stick to drop off play dates at your house (in case she ever decided to turn the crazy on your kid)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 If you want to keep the friendship then you need to tell her how you feel about what happened. If she is truly a friend she will feel bad that she hurt your feeling. If she defends what she did then I would start being unavailable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 If her dc called your dc a ditz and stupid, would you let it go unchallenged? Would you force your dc to play with her dc again even though you knew the comments had been very hurtful? If you wouldn't put your dc through that friendship, then why would you burden yourself with it? I would back off of the parental relationship but allow the children to continue theirs. If she asked about it, I would tell her that her comments the last time you were together were very hurtful and that you don't allow people to talk to you that way. End of story. No trying to sugar coat it. If she asked for forgiveness, I might consider giving her a second chance, but if she crossed the line again, I would call her on it right then and there. It is great to try to help others who might be a bit socially awkward. However, you do not have to sacrifice your self worth on that alter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Did your face show that you were shocked and surprised by her comments? If not, it should have. There's nothing wrong with reacting to rudeness by being shocked and surprised. I agree with the others: I'd start backing off. No, i didn't. I kept trying to lighten the mood. It was horrible, really, because she just kept going. I excused myself and my boys earlier than she expected, however, and went home. I just kept trying to get her to say something like "Well, we all do silly things" or something. I know I would have recognized when a friend made a mistake, so I kept trying to give her an "out", kwim? ' -_- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I agree that was way over the top into rudeness. I wouldn't keep such a person around me and I don't think you should either. Her comments would have upset me too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Wow, that is beyond judgmental. Run away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I'm glad you posted what she did. She sounds like a Crazy-maker. I agree with the others; she doesn't sound like much of a friend. She was way over the line, over the top flat out mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Please don't let yourself be spoken to like that. If someone spoke to your children that way, you would be hurt for them and seek to protect them from such negative attention, right? Do yourself the same favor. Someone who speaks to you so rudely isn't a friend. It's a bully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Agreed. That wasn't judgmental. That was mean. I'm not even sure that mean is the right word. Didn't we learn in grade school not to call people names for simple accidents? The reaction was completely inappropriate! It almost seems mentally ill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghanL Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 After reading your post about what actually happened, I say distance yourself from her. No way do you need to put up with being called names repeatedly for an innocent mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 She is lonely, is very over protective of her only daughter, and doesn't have a lot of friends. Duh! :) In fact, most of the moms at her daughters school shun her (as in, won't invite her OR her daughter to events, won't include her). Ditto the duh above. The teacher actually banned her from volunteering at school, which I didn't even know was allowed. Some things call for changes to protocol. Imagine if she talked like that to kids... or teachers? I feel so torn. First of all, it's pretty easy to cut the quick of a dog's nail, especially if they've gotten kind of long (ask me how I know) and they do bleed like the dickens, but don't seem to hurt all that much. It happens often enough that there is some special powder you can buy to stop the bleeding. She sounds looney tunes. (Official diagnosis) Who would do that? I think the friendship is your choice. I think it would be an act of kindness though, for her sake, to tell her why you are 1) not going to be seeing her or 2) are taking a break from her, or 3) what the boundaries are for future interactions. If you are thinking of continuing the friendship, you will have to grow some thick skin, and get good at shutting her down --can you do that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Yes, I had a friend like that. She ended up alienating everyone around her. She has serious problems and it would take a book to tell the whole story. I would not be friends with this woman. If you can bring yourself to--sounds like it is difficult for you--I would have an honest conversation with her about the way she made you feel, and the way she judges others. I don't know if it would help but what could it hurt? She doesn't have any friends now anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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