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My Dad died yesterday

whitestavern

By whitestavern,
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nono

nono

Posted
Posted

:grouphug: :grouphug: My cousin died unexepctedly yesterday, too. It is overwhelming! :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

My personal take on going to the viewing and funeral is for children to go. My children were 4 & 18 months when my Dad died, and they went and handled everything well. I went to my grandparents funerals at ages 8, 10 and 12. It helped me to start to understand things like complex and conflicting emotions. Being present also gave me a chance to grow closer to certain people in my family, who went out of their way to help me be comfortable.

 

:grouphug:

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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

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Posted
At my dad's wake many years ago, my 12yo niece organized all the little kids and had them make cards for my dad with their favorite memory. Every one of them approached and put it in the coffin (some running up, tossing it in and running away.) Some people thought their behavior was irreverent, but most of us were very touched that the children wanted Grandpa to bring their notes with him to heaven.

I think it was a wonderful idea, and the children would have been precious.

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Elinor Everywhere

Elinor Everywhere

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This happened to my family in April of this year. I could have written these exact words.

 

My only advice is that there isn't a roadmap for this. It's a process. It takes time. You'll figure things out as you go through them.

 

Prayers coming your way!

 

Elise in NC

 

 

And this is exact thing happened to us in April '11. My mom is still having a hard time - this Christmas is worse than last year, as we think she was in still in shock last Christmas.

 

So, so, sorry, OP. :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Audrey

Audrey

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He had been in declining health, but this was completely unexpected. I am still in shock.

 

I have a 10 yo and a 12 yo. We are having a private viewing for the family. Do they go? Do I leave the choice up to them? How do we handle Christmas? Do we try to keep their life as normal as possible? I host Christmas Eve for my family and go to dh's family on Christmas Day. Do I spend Christmas Day with my mother (looks like she will be going to her brothers in NY w/my sister) or do I go w/dh and my kids? This is all so surreal...

 

If you are the praying type, prayers for my mother, who is naturally devastated, would be appreciated. Although normally a very strong women, she is lost right now. She also feels like she could've done something to prevent this, which she couldn't have. I don't know how to help her through these feelings.

 

Also, I need help figuring out the logistics of planning a church service. Does the church help you with music and readings? What about programs? Is there anyone out there who has been through this that could provide assistance? This is just so hard.

 

 

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

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TranquilMind

TranquilMind

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He had been in declining health, but this was completely unexpected. I am still in shock.

 

I have a 10 yo and a 12 yo. We are having a private viewing for the family. Do they go? Do I leave the choice up to them? How do we handle Christmas? Do we try to keep their life as normal as possible? I host Christmas Eve for my family and go to dh's family on Christmas Day. Do I spend Christmas Day with my mother (looks like she will be going to her brothers in NY w/my sister) or do I go w/dh and my kids? This is all so surreal...

 

If you are the praying type, prayers for my mother, who is naturally devastated, would be appreciated. Although normally a very strong women, she is lost right now. She also feels like she could've done something to prevent this, which she couldn't have. I don't know how to help her through these feelings.

 

Also, I need help figuring out the logistics of planning a church service. Does the church help you with music and readings? What about programs? Is there anyone out there who has been through this that could provide assistance? This is just so hard.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Yes, I'd take the kids. He was their grandpa and they need closure too. I took my kids, who were years younger, to my Mom's funeral (and many others).

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momto10blessings

momto10blessings

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:grouphug:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through this a while back and it was so tough. I brought all my kids to the viewings and funeral. I think it is important, but other people have different views.

 

 

Christmas should go on as usual/ Do something small to remember Grandpa. Maybe a little Christmas tree hunf with ornaments that say what everyone will miss about grandpa or what they liked about him

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whitestavern

whitestavern

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I just wanted to thank everyone so much for their outpouring of support and all the information and suggestions. I have not yet had a chance to read through everything but here and there I get on and take some notes. I just didn't want to go days without responding so you all know I'm reading everything. Thank you again...your help and lovely thoughts mean so much.

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Evergreen State Sue

Evergreen State Sue

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Your family will be in my prayers concerning the loss of you father. I personally don't like to view the body of a loved one. They don't always look the same, and I prefer to remember them during the good times. We didn't have a viewing for my parents or my husband's parents. I would ask your children if they would care to see him in this way. For some people it becomes more real for them and easier to accept. For me and others, I found it hard to get that memory out of my mind. My children do go to funerals though. I think it is important for them to hear from friends and family and be part of the "remember when" part of grieving. Either the church or the funeral home will help you with a service.

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ZooRho

ZooRho

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I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad died in July.

 

it is surreal.

 

Yes the funeral home /church/ pastor will help with things. It would help if you can think about some things ahead of time too though.

 

did your dad have some favorite verses, hymns, poems, sayings?

 

Do you have an idea if you want someone in the family to do the eulogy? or a family friend? Sibling?

 

 

Do you want a visitation before the funeral? Funeral at the funeral home or church?

You could check the church website to see if they have funeral information on it too.

 

There are lots of little things to think of too.

 

Do you have siblings? Is your mom going to be able to handle helping with stuff?

 

My brother was really good on some things and not so good on other things.

 

 

 

I'll look for a link to the paper I filled out for my mom for her funeral.

 

here is one it isn't exactly what we used but close.

 

http://www.shareyourwishes.org/worksheet.pdf

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Guest

Guest

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I am so sorry. I would suggest doing for Christmas what you would traditionally do. My father-in-law died ON Christmas Day, in 1998. We still came together on Christmas night as planned. It was sad, but better all sad together than sad in disparate homes. :grouphug:

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lea1

lea1

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on August 4th and it was also very unexpected. It is still somewhat surreal to me at times. I feel for you, your mom and your whole family. It is such a devastating thing to go through and having it happen just before Christmas makes it even worse. I am so sorry and I will be praying for you, your mom and your family.

 

Our sons were only 6 at the time my mom died so we did not take them. If they had been at the age of your children, I would probably ask them what they want to do and go with that. From watching my nieces and nephews, they are pretty good at knowing what they are ready for. My nieces and nephews all wanted to attend their grandparents funeral when they were around that age but I really think it depends on the child.

 

The funeral home we used was very good about holding our hand through everything. They arranged our meeting with my mom's pastor also and, between the funeral director and the pastor, they were able to help us through making all of the necessary decisions. My mom's pastor really did not know my mom all that well because, for health reasons, she had only attended Sunday school for many years and had not gone to the worship service. He asked that us kids write something about her that he could use in the service. I ended up writing something up that everyone read and agreed they liked and he ended up reading it as it was.

 

I can't provide any insight on what you should do about spending Christmas with your mom or doing your normal thing. For me and my sister, we ended up changing the location of our traditional Thanksgiving get together because it would have been too hard for us to do our normal thing. I'm not sure we will ever go back to doing it the way we did when mom was with us. For Christmas, we are going to do our normal thing but my dad and his wife will be there so hopefully that will help some.

 

Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve through this. It is a process and it takes time.

My prayers are with you and your family.

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caroljenn

caroljenn

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I am so sorry about your dad. When mine died, my dd was only 3, so she was only allowed to go to memorial service at the church.

 

We didn't do viewings for my mom or my dad, we did "visitations" the night before the service. That way, people who couldn't come to the services during the day could come the night before and talk to the family and give their condolences, with pictures all around and a CLOSED coffin. No one likes being forced to view a deceased person, grown-up or not, and I can still remember each one I've seen. Maybe your kids can come once the coffin is closed, so their last memory is not of your dad in his coffin?

 

Our church has a grief ministry and they handled the church services. The funeral home handles some of the cemetery arrangements, but we did have to go to the cemetery and pick out the plots. We also had to go to the funeral home and choose the coffins and give them information about what we wanted in regards to burial and gravesite services.

 

Regarding Christmas, I would ask your mom what she wanted you to do, and do that. Whether it is spending it with her or spending it at your in-laws. I would try to keep as much the same as I could for the kids, but come on. Everyone will know this is not a normal Christmas, and kids need to learn that life changes things sometimes. You can't (and shouldn't) pretend like everything's fine- that would be more weird for the kids, wouldn't it?

 

Hope things go smoothly- sending hugs to you. It is no fun. =(

 

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asta

asta

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Posted

He had been in declining health, but this was completely unexpected. I am still in shock.

 

My mom died 12 Dec 2012. It truly is surreal, coming at this time of year. Same thing - very ill, but somehow, I thought she'd always be around, you know?

 

I have a 10 yo and a 12 yo. We are having a private viewing for the family. Do they go? Do I leave the choice up to them?

 

We left it up to the kids. Some did, some didn't. It kind of came down to how they wanted to remember her.

 

How do we handle Christmas? Do we try to keep their life as normal as possible? I host Christmas Eve for my family and go to dh's family on Christmas Day. Do I spend Christmas Day with my mother (looks like she will be going to her brothers in NY w/my sister) or do I go w/dh and my kids? This is all so surreal...

 

Christmas was... kind of a mess. By the time the funeral, etc. was completed, we all realized we hadn't even bought presents, much less trees (we had all come in from out of town). As normal as we *wanted* to make it, the reality was, grandma had just died - life as everyone knew it had just changed, and there was no avoiding it. But yes, you continue your traditions with your children and your husband. It was YOUR dad, not your children's dad, as hard as that is to remember at a time like this.

 

If your mom is going out of town, is it plausible for you to join her (I don't know how far you are from NY)? If so, I would say yes, you should go. Having your dh and kids would probably be overwhelming for her, but she most certainly wants her children around her.

 

If you are the praying type, prayers for my mother, who is naturally devastated, would be appreciated. Although normally a very strong women, she is lost right now. She also feels like she could've done something to prevent this, which she couldn't have. I don't know how to help her through these feelings.

 

When things settle down a bit, look for a grief support group. Your church most likely has one. They are immensely helpful in helping to work through the myriad feelings associated with loss.

 

Also, I need help figuring out the logistics of planning a church service. Does the church help you with music and readings? What about programs? Is there anyone out there who has been through this that could provide assistance? This is just so hard.

 

 

Yes, the church will help you. And so will the funeral home. Churches usually have a binder with suggested readings and hymns all laid out so that all you have to do is point. They can also do programs. My experience is Catholic, but Funeral homes will usually have a complete box with a signature book, programs for the funeral service, prayer cards, and a place to write down who sent which floral arrangements, contributions or donations to charity. Someone will step up to help with this - trust me.

 

As much as you are able, allow yourself to be carried along the tides of grief. Do not fear tears - even in public places. People will surprise you with their love (I had a TSA screener in ATLANTA stop the line and just hold me while I bawled). Don't give yourself a time limit to grieve, either. You will heal at your own pace.

 

 

a

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Lisa in SC

Lisa in SC

Posted
Posted

I am so, so very sorry for your loss. My dad has passed away and so has my mil, and of course our twins. I don't know that I could add much more to what has already been shared, but I did want to agree with a pp who said that grief is a process. Sometimes profound grief strikes without warning even a long time from now. Please give yourself permission to feel and be sad or whatever emotion comes to the surface both now and in the future. Many, many hugs to you!

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KristenR

KristenR

Posted
Posted

:grouphug:

 

I am sorry for your loss. I can't really offer any advice but I recently saw this post on the Pioneer Woman that I wanted to share. I hope it helps you look at the amazing things your father accomplished and had in his lifetime. I pray we all get to hold our grandchildren some day.

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LMV

LMV

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I will definitely include your mom and family in my prayers.

 

At your children's ages I think I would plan on them attending the funeral and wake but I would also listen to them and arrange for other options if they felt they couldn't attend. When my dad died our oldest daughter was in utero but my stepson (who was eight) had become very close to my dad and he did attend the services with us. He had also attended his mother's funeral when he was four so it wasn't his first experience and that may have been more relevant than his age exactly. If your children are going to go I would talk to them ahead of time about what to expect and I would arrange to have someone at the funeral and wake who is available to them (perhaps their father, perhaps someone else) and can leave with them if they need to leave etc.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss. Hugs.

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TranquilMind

TranquilMind

Posted
Posted

. No one likes being forced to view a deceased person, grown-up or not, and I can still remember each one I've seen. Maybe your kids can come once the coffin is closed, so their last memory is not of your dad in his coffin?

 

I disagree, and I've been to more funerals than most people. I think it is an important part of the closure of the grieving process.

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laundrycrisis

laundrycrisis

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I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad very suddenly too. It is a huge shock. :grouphug:

We relied on the funeral home to help us plan everything. The director was a very compassionate young woman. She was incredibly helpful.

 

Setting up the funeral was not that hard but setting up the viewing was hard. The night before, I was terrified of seeing my dad in a casket. Terrified. It turned out okay, but these are hard, hard things to do. :grouphug:

 

I also lost a grandparent when I was 12. It helped to have a way to participate. My cousin and I were given the task of going in person to notify her friends in the neighborhood. It wasn't fun but it was meaningful. Also, at your kids' ages, I think they should attend the funeral. They may really regret it later if they don't. But approaching an open casket at a viewing, or even going, should always be optional. I did go to my grandmother's casket and I have always been glad that I did.

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