TranquilMind Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) LuvnMySvn: I'm being asked to give her $500. Things have been tumultuous in my family for years and this is going to be ugly, I think, if I say I can't afford to do this. We have huge medical bills coming in to the tune of over $3000 from when our little guy was in the Children's Hospital. I have my wedding dress and wedding rings for sale to help cover some of these costs; how in the world am I supposed to agree to another $500 for my sister??? It is OK for me to say 'no', right? Yes, of course it is all right! Unless you have the money in the bank right now for large medical costs, you can't afford to do this at this time. That woman needs to get a job, anything...even Starbucks or car wash or something to pay the bills! Where does she get off riding the gravy train? Your parents are older, I'm presuming, since you are an adult woman. They should not be supporting her, nor should her siblings, unless she is making every effort and is unable to support herself through no fault of her own. I feel like crud. I know the other siblings will contribute but honestly, even if I had the money, I don't know that I would give it to her. Is that horrible? Why are the other siblings ok with this? Unless you have left something important out, I'm not getting this. Edited October 30, 2012 by TranquilMind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Wait . . . :001_huh: . . . let me get this straight. You have 11 children, one of whom has been in a Children's Hospital, and you're getting guilt trips about helping her out with her ONE? :confused: For Heaven sake, tell her N.O. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel pressure. Just say no. What??? I missed the 11 children part! Yikes. That sister needs a kick in the pants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyCrazyMama Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 No way, no how, even if I had the money.:confused: She would have to be trying at the very least! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 LuvnMySvn: The last I heard from the sister who is asking for money was how irresponsible I was for having #7 because who was going to pay for them or take them in if something happened to me? Didn't I know I can't afford to have more dc and was being unfair to the family who would end up paying our way? Ironic how things turned out. Oh my gosh. That is some serious irony there! :confused: Just say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 (didn't read thread) It is ok to say "no" even if you COULD afford it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodGrief Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Your sister sounds like my mother. This won't be the last request. Firm boundaries from family members are her only hope if she is ever going to make it on her own, in my opinion. It's complicated though when there is a 3 year old involved. I'd decline though, without guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 No would be the nicest word that would come out of my mouth under those circumstances. :iagree:emphatically! OP, don't you DARE feel guilty! Seriously! That is crazy talk! I would say no and, just like Wendy, it would be all I could do to get it out without a :angry::cursing::rant:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is OK for me to say 'no', right? Yes. I don't even know if I should approach my dh about this No, you shouldn't. Just say no. I feel like crud. I know the other siblings will contribute but honestly, even if I had the money, I don't know that I would give it to her. Is that horrible? No, it's not horrible. There's no reason you should be financing your sister's laziness. It's only enabling her to continue behaving that way. How to graciously get out of this one without creating another war with family members?? Just say no, and don't get into reasons. "I'm sorry I can't help this time." That's it. And next time, say the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is okay to say "no, we can't afford it." It is not okay to "make war" on someone who says "no, we can't afford it." If the others want to and can give, then they should, but they shouldn't criticize you for not being able to at this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awisha. Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 No would be the nicest word that would come out of my mouth under those circumstances. :iagree: 100%. Do NOT feel guilty about saying NO. You are selling your wedding dress and wedding ring :svengo: for your childs medical needs?? Oh hun, I feel for you and I think you deserve a Mum Of The Year award. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsH Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I have a sister like that, and cutting her off financially was VERY hard and VERY important. Sadly, she hasn't changed her ways. You can definitely say no! If you feel like you want to, and I add emphasis to the want, then you could consider helping her by sharing resources that might help her to actually meet her needs: resources for her, reduced housing application, info on an inexpensive (or free?) preschool, clothing or food pantry info, budgeting help, etc. Such help may not be well-received (likely won't be) but if you feel so inclined then that's an option. I'm sorry there's a child involved, that makes everything so much harder. All the best! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say "No." That's it. Do not give a reason. A reason will only be fuel for your family members to try to "reason" with you (argue).... ie: "Well, you could do ________, then _________." etc. I agree. "No." IS a complete sentence. Or another of my favorites "Nope, not gonna happen." My kids have taught me how to say No better and in the most creative ways. :D It's usually something like this. No. Negative. Nope. Nyet. Nein. No. Not. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-not. Nope. Nope. Sha-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Nope. Nope. Sha-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na. Get a job! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 If your sister were working three jobs and selling her own things, I might find a way to help. While she does not work? Nope. Not happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 No. H*ll no. Never in a million yrs no. Not a snowball's chance in Hades, no. You have a large family, large medical bills, and one income. I think they're all smoking funny things to even THINK of mentioning this to you, let alone asking! No, no, no. and don't give a reason. Just say, "No, I can't." and repeat as needed. Any further info will only be used to argue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Your family is doing this woman no favors by enabling her behavior. What will you guys do in three months when the money is gone again? Will you just support her for the rest of her life? Does she have a plan as to how she is going to survive after this? Please don't give your mom or siblings any explanation regarding your bills. Tell them you believe it unkind and unwise to allow her to continue digging a deeper hole for herself without learning to climb out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is your DUTY to your immediate family to say no. :iagree: I learned that lesson recently myself. And, it's sad, but there is only so much help you can give a family member who isn't willing to help themselves or let you help them. I'm sorry this situation is happening to you, but say no and don't feel too guilty about it. Really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 Why are the other siblings ok with this? Unless you have left something important out, I'm not getting this. My other siblings are a bit more...involved, I guess...in each other's lives. In other words, I'm the one who told everyone to keep their drama to themselves and to leave me alone (this after personal attacks on my life choices/dc). I know we are all frustrated with my sister yet everyone else will sigh and do something. There's supposed to be a family phone call this evening...I think I'll be gone and miss it. I do not want to hear, "Well, if you didn't have so many kids you would be able to help." That is exactly what I will be told. :( Yet like PP said, if my sister was attempting to work or do anything but game 24/7 I would help her in a heartbeat. Thank you, ladies. It's so hard when it's family, even family I haven't had much to do with all these years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is okay to say no. I don't have any advice for handling family members that might be mad about it' date=' but stick to your guns and say NO.[/quote'] :iagree: and at this point what they are doing is enabling her, not helping her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 No. H*ll no. Never in a million yrs no. Not a snowball's chance in Hades, no. You have a large family, large medical bills, and one income. I think they're all smoking funny things to even THINK of mentioning this to you, let alone asking! No, no, no. and don't give a reason. Just say, "No, I can't." and repeat as needed. Any further info will only be used to argue. Where is that 'LIKE' button?:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 And what happens next month when she can't pay? And the next month? And the month after that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 No. H*ll no. Never in a million yrs no. Not a snowball's chance in Hades, no. You have a large family, large medical bills, and one income. I think they're all smoking funny things to even THINK of mentioning this to you, let alone asking! No, no, no. and don't give a reason. Just say, "No, I can't." and repeat as needed. Any further info will only be used to argue. Yep, exactly this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 My other siblings are a bit more...involved, I guess...in each other's lives. In other words, I'm the one who told everyone to keep their drama to themselves and to leave me alone (this after personal attacks on my life choices/dc). I know we are all frustrated with my sister yet everyone else will sigh and do something. There's supposed to be a family phone call this evening...I think I'll be gone and miss it. I do not want to hear, "Well, if you didn't have so many kids you would be able to help." That is exactly what I will be told. :( Yet like PP said, if my sister was attempting to work or do anything but game 24/7 I would help her in a heartbeat. Thank you, ladies. It's so hard when it's family, even family I haven't had much to do with all these years. Your family size has nothing to do w/your FOO thinking they can reach into YOUR pocket and take YOUR money to support someone that doesn't do squat to help herself. If they DID say such a thing, I would reply, "Well, if she bothered to get off her ack and get a job, she wouldn't need help!" and then have the phone melt from their hissy fits. You are NOT responsible for her bad choices. You are NOT responsible for her refusal to work, her resulting financial issues, etc. She seems to think that she's entitled to be supported in a lifestyle that she's not willing to provide for herself. What makes her Royal Highness so special as to be supported by others and not be required to do anything to help herself? I mean, seriously! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Honestly, in your situation, I would probably say, "Mom, I was just going to call you and ask if you could help me out financially for a change. You know ds was in the hospital and we have to come up with $$$ to pay for it. Can you help us out this time?" That might get them off your back and keep them from harassing you for money because they don't want to face you or have you ask again. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I haven't read the other posts, but I firmly believe that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to NOT act as an enabler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 If you contributed money towards your sister's lazy and irresponsible life, you would be guilty of enabling her just as the rest of the family is. If they ae doing this for the innocent little boy, it's the wrong way to handle things. It would also be irresponsible to take that money away from your own family. WHY is your family doing this to your sister? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewaka Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I do not want to hear, "Well, if you didn't have so many kids you would be able to help." That is exactly what I will be told. :( . I agree with everyone else that you should just say "no." However, the above blows my mind. Because you have 11, you don't have enough money to help the sister with ONLY ONE? What is her excuse then?! Do what you know is right for your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 It's okay to say no to this request, even if you are loaded with money. Your other family members will either accept your decision or not. You have no control over this. You only have control over the boundaries you set. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 There's supposed to be a family phone call this evening...I think I'll be gone and miss it. I do not want to hear, "Well, if you didn't have so many kids you would be able to help." That is exactly what I will be told. Yet like PP said, if my sister was attempting to work or do anything but game 24/7 I would help her in a heartbeat. You gave the answer to the bolded! :glare: How dare they ask you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) I would offer to babysit so she could work but that would be the extent of what I would be willing to assist with. Childcare is pretty expensive and if she has little training or experience she probably wouldn't come out ahead once it was all said and done. I think that would be super helpful. Edited October 31, 2012 by Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Life choices on that level need consequences. Please don't give her $500. Just say no. If they want to war over it, that's on them. We can't live our lives based on the reaction other people might have if we do what we consider the right thing. Sis is a being a bum, and needs bum consequences. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I would offer to babysit so she could work but that would be the extent of what I would be willing to assist with. Childcare is pretty expensive and if she has little training or experience she probably wouldn't come out ahead once it was all said and done. I think that would be super helpful. Oh, please don't. Seriously. I can predict her dropping the child off w/you, for way longer hrs than you ever dreamed, and going back home to play games w/out kidlet underfoot. I really don't see her getting a job, just taking more advantage if you were to offer. And then you'll be the bad guy for actually expecting her to pick her kid up at reasonable hrs, not wanting to babysit 7 days a wk, when he's sick, etc, etc, etc. That way lies madness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Say no. Don't feel guilty about saying no. If you feel you need to publicly feel guilty to your family simply tell them YOU CAN NOT AFFORD IT. Period. She doesn't have money, well guess what, neither do you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I didnt read through the thread, im sorry. I would NOT give her money if you dont have it to give. What you could and SHOULD do is find her help to help herself. Im not just saying hand her a phone number to Food stamps and walk away, but actually help her follow through with these things. She is an adult with a child, but sometimes we just need a good hand holding in the right direction and then someone to let us go. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Be honest. If you are selling your wedding rings to pay for your ds's medical bills you don't have money to give away. :iagree: Just say no. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I think I'd fall back on, "I would love to help, but unfortunately I just cannot even start to afford it. I just am not able to pay my bills, let alone give money to anyone" :( End of discussion... seriously... just keep saying it. And... it sounds as though it's for sure true. ;( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Oh honey!! I am so sorry you are going through this. Years ago, I was in a similar spot with my younger brother except that my mom and I were the only ones being expected to help him and his (then) wife and their two boys. My mother and I did help over and over and over and over...well you get it. After several years of it, I told them enough is enough. My mom and I both just stopped. We stopped paying their bills, buying their groceries, giving them money, everything. I heard it all: "You don't care about us!" "You're a nurse so you have plenty of money!" blah blah blah. It hurt badly to see them dig their own hole deeper and deeper. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. At one point they were homeless for a short time. They wouldn't keep their jobs, they got every kind of government assistance they could get, and they were just flat out lazy! But you know what? My brother finally saw the light. It's a complicated story with a lot of layers, but he finally got out of the marriage and straightened his butt up. He will tell you today that the best thing my mother and I ever did for him was to stop enabling him. He is in the army now, remarried, had a good relationship with his boys, and he pays all his own bills. Of course, if he called me now with a need, and I could afford it, I'd give him the money in a moment. But that's because he is doing all he can and living the way he should. He's not a mooch (as my mom calls it) anymore. Bless you. You know you have to say no. I'm praying for your financial situation and for you to have strength and peace during this time. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I agree with everyone else - "No" is an acceptable answer. The one additional thing I would mention is that you SHOULD say something to your husband if you have a reasonable expectation that your siblings will contact him directly. Even if he agrees with you, he probably won't want to get the phone call that goes something like, "Sister is about to get thrown out of the house with Nephew! Wife said you couldn't help AT ALL! What are we going to do?!" or whatever without knowing ahead of time. At least if he knows the situation, he'll be able to say something like, "Wow. That sounds difficult. I hope you all figure something out" rather than being surprised and possibly feeling like he DOES need to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Your responsibility is to your immediate family and your children. Not to other grownups. Unless those grownups are your children, you have no responsibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Is your sister suffering from depression or another mental illness? Depression can be immobilizing. Has the family encouraged her to seek mental health care? If not, perhaps you could scout out available community resources for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TGHEALTHYMOM Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 :grouphug: I do feel your pain. I have been co-dependent and it is hard to change. I feel pressure now from more than one family member. And it may affect the upcoming Holiday's. Setting boundaries causes pain, and I won't subject our family to any pain they do not deserve. It is not easy being in these situations. But I agree with many posters that you need to say NO in love. Be firm. The rule for Teen Challenge is to help someone 1 time. Codependency keeps the person on the receiving end in a cycle of not helping themselves or anyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Is your sister suffering from depression or another mental illness? She has developed agoraphobia - at least that is what I've been told. She never had issues before she started gaming her life away - not sure there is a connection but if not then the coincidence is astonishing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TGHEALTHYMOM Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Sorry to chime in again, but no matter the problem, people need to set boundaries. My SIL has schizo-affective disorder. Over the tears we have bailed her out, helped her move several times, visited in psych wards, Crisis centers, rest homes, apartments, and State Hospitals. We have gone overboard trying to help her, and now her dd is controlling her and all of her money. She is over 60 now, diabetic, has COPD, takes alot of medicine and smokes. She did live a few miles down the road in a great place. Now, living 45 minutes away, we cannot take her places, or even visit. Her dd won't buy her a bed, or adequate food, and is rarely home. She has been hiding this from me. but I knew she was alone alot. She is going to have to learn herself that her dd won't treat her right, because she has always bailed her out. It is so hard to let go. I have lost a friend. We text some, but I won't get in the middle of her dd and her unless it gets much worse. At the same time my sis works, and has a dh who works, but constantly blow money on cigarettes, whisky, dip, satellite, video games: tons, and lots of junk! We have helped them in many ways as well. But there is no gratitude, and even a sense of "everybody owes us". They went at least a year and made no house payment. They spent tons of money on 2 kids for Christmas, got nice gifts from an Angel ministry, and got a way to keep their house. My mom helps them out alot. She pays for their yard work, roof repair, car repair. She just gave them her nice car, is doing their laundry. And my sister is very jealous that we eat Sunday dinner at mom's house. They constantly need things done and need a dryer now. We gave them a freezer. All I get is a pity story and a judgemental Spirit. It is causing problems with my mom now too and she is co dependent. We have over $9,000 in medical bills. I don't feel guilty about not helping. I pray for them, and for us to get out of debt. And for us to have good relationships. Sorry to go on, but this is a very short version. I know I am not perfect, but I don't want to be codependent and make my family suffer anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I haven't read any of the replies, but I just want to add my two cents. Of course you can say no. You have our own issues going on and you need to look out for your family first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candid Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Certainly say no, but make sure that the way you say no is totally not about your sister (assuming you'd like to keep some of these relationships). I'd say, "We are still in debt from my child's hospitalization; we can't give." If pressed past this, "If we gave, $500, then next month, you'd have to give $500 to keep us in our home." After that I'd repeat, repeat, repeat. Whatever you do, do not get drawn into any conversation about whether this is the right thing to do or not: there is nothing productive to say in that area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 It is fine to say NO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I will tell her you need money to pay the hospital, and ask her for help. That with shut her off. I am not fond of helping adults. unless they suffer illness or losing jobs. My uncle who was a lawyer destroy his own life by gambling and my grandmom indulging him by help him with money rather than help him get on his feet. so Nope Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 NO and do not give reasons. My aunt did this to my parents and grandparents for years...she's completely irresponsible with money and everyone bailed her out ALL the time which did nothing to teach her to live within her means. Then she started in on Dh and I. We just looked at each other, smiled, turned, and said "NO!" in unison. It only took a couple of times and she stopped trying to get us to pay her bills. I told my dad to stop giving reasons and that "NO" is a sentence all on its own. Once he did that and their other sister did as well, she suddenly started living a bit more responsibly. The reality is, "I can't help you now BECAUSE....." leaves the other person with the idea that you would give them that money in other different circumstances so they keep coming back over and over again hoping the circumstances have changed. It is not helping them. Sure, I have absolutely no problem helping my relatives when they really need it and are doing the best they can. However, I can't subsidize lifestyles of irresponsibility because it ends up hurting my family. We provide some supplemental aid for our niece who is single parenting - and doing a FANTASTIC JOB - while going to college and working as a waitress. She is busting her hump to be responsible for her child and their future. She has a plan for financial independence. I'm honored to help her reach that goal. But, handouts to people that believe they are entitled to live irresponsibly???? NOPE! Just say no and give absolutely zero explanation. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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