If people comment on your children being well-behaved ..

[Jenny in GA]

Yes, this is a bit of a brag, but I also just wanted to start a discussion.

 

My children, ages 11, 9, and 6, have been involved in some musical theatre over the last several months, and I am struck by how many compliments I have received on their behavior.

 

First, a theatre owner and director told me they were the best behaved kids he'd ever worked with. At the time, I thought, "Oh, that's very nice of him to say, but I'm sure he's just using hyperbole. I'm sure there are many other well-behaved kids."

 

But today at the grocery store, the cashier (who is the grandparent of the current show's director, a different person) said, "My grandson told me, "Those three 'Smith' children are the well-mannered I have ever worked with!"

 

And the musical director (a third person) told me this week that her job would be a lot easier if the whole cast was like my kids.

 

So I'm starting to think there is something to that.

 

While I'm absolutely delighted to receive comments like that, I'm also slightly surprised. We strive to be good parents, but I think good parents are everywhere, and I don't know that we do anything amazing or unusual. I certainly don't threaten them within an inch of their lives to behave at the theater, or anything like that.

 

I honestly don't know what (if anything) we've done to cause our children to be unusually well-behaved. Or maybe we haven't done anything, but it's just their personality or something.

 

Or ... are other kids surprisingly not so well-behaved??

 

Is it homeschooling?? That seems like too easy an answer, to say they're well-behaved because they're homeschooled ... surely there are very well-behaved school children ...

 

So anyway, here's my question: If you have kids that you think are very well-behaved, or if you've been told they are (or for that matter, if you know someone who's kids are very well-behaved, or both), what do you attribute that to?

 

Is it just dumb luck? Is it family dinners together? Church attendance? Homeschooling? (and if so, why?) Are you unusually strict and have a lot of rules?

 

Also, what are the specific differences in behavior that you're seen? I guess what I'm asking is, what are "normal" kids doing that your "very well-behaved kids" would never do? Because I can't help but wonder ... if my kids are "better behaved than everyone else," well, what are those other kids like??

 

Please discuss ... :)

[deacongirl]

I think it is a combination of all of the above. I think there is a correlation with homeschooing due to the positive benefits to the relationship when time and attention are invested. (see book Hold on to Your Kids) But, I also think that luck plays a big part--I would have attributed my first being well-behaved to parenting until I had my 3rd. Some kids are just naturally better behaved, and some have to mature out of some behaviors that no amount of punishing would diminish, and unless you have parented a kid like that it is impossible to understand.

[Embassy]

I think it is a combination of nature and nurture. I do think homeschooling does really help. I get comments regarding my children's good behavior. Some of those same people send negative comments my way about homeschooling.:glare:

Edited October 12, 2012 by Wehomeschool

[Joanne]

I don't know what it is. I would love to say it's my parenting style/discipline. When my kids were 10 and under, I heard it A LOT.

[SKL]

I have always gotten comments like that if you don't count the past month, LOL. Even their daycare workers who have seen them pretty much at their worst, day in and day out, would say they were the best-behaved, easiest kids in the entire center. No lie.

 

Ha. Their 1st grade teacher would have a hard time believing that right now. But that's our personal problem, LOL.

 

I think some kids are wired to be more calm and get their stimulation in ways that don't involve irritating others. Not watching TV and doing a few other things probably helps. Other kids (like me and my sibs) simply save the bad stuff for home. :) I recall my mom saying she much preferred it that way. I would agree!

 

I do think that if you don't go out a lot, the kids see it as a treat and don't take people's positive attention for granted. That was how it was when I was a kid. We went to school, but life in general wasn't as "stimulating" as it is nowadays. So positive interactions were more than enough to keep things interesting, without adding "spice" in the form of extraneous noises, demands, complaints, touching things that ought not be touched, etc.

 

Congrats on having great kids!

[Beth S]

Sometimes I tear up when someone compliments us on the kids' behavior. I always say thanks, and try to share it with the kids so they can get positive reinforcement.

 

Now I know to QUICKLY write it down, so I don't forget the compliments in the midst of obvious MIS-behavior from the same kids. :001_smile:

 

I do believe that we are able to more directly guide our kids to make good behavior choices because we are spending most of their waking moments with them. :001_smile:

 

But I also know these same kids have "low points" and behavior weaknesses--which I do NOT bring up in conversations with strangers--but know that there are still plenty of issues to work through together with the kids. :001_smile:

 

I'm so thankful when people make positive remarks about ANYONE. Which means that I should probably look for ways to encourage other families I run into who are behaving well in public!

[Veritaserum]

I get those comments about my kids. I had a medical procedure a few weeks ago. My FIL sat with my younger three (6, 4, and 4 months) in the waiting room. When I came out, a woman said they were very good children. Then she grumbled about how most kids there run around shrieking.

 

I think well-behaved children are mostly the result of the children's personalities as well as consistent correction and instruction from parents. I've seen horrifically behaved homeschooled children....

Edited October 12, 2012 by Veritaserum

[Rhonda in TX]

I think it is a combination of all of the above. I think there is a correlation with homeschooing due to the positive benefits to the relationship when time and attention are invested. (see book Hold on to Your Kids) But, I also think that luck plays a big part--I would have attributed my first being well-behaved to parenting until I had my 3rd. Some kids are just naturally better behaved, and some have to mature out of some behaviors that no amount of punishing would diminish, and unless you have parented a kid like that it is impossible to understand.

 

I think there's a lot of true to this. I was a very well-behaved child. Honestly, though, I think it's just my personality. I'm a rule-follower and a pleaser. I would have died of mortification to get in trouble. I think I was grounded twice in my whole life, and those were not for major problems.

 

I have a friend whose oldest is a very well-behaved child. As a toddler, you only had to tell him "no" once, and he never did it again. It was unreal. My friend told me she thought she had all the answers until her 2nd one was born. :) (These children are PS kids, by the way.)

 

I'm not saying parenting has nothing to do with it. It absolutely does. However, it's also very possible that a lot of it is their nature.

[Pawz4me]

I'd say it's nature and nurture with a good dose of sheer luck thrown in.

[MomatHWTK]

I'd say it's nature and nurture with a good dose of sheer luck thrown in.

:iagree:

[2squared]

I don't know exactly how to make well-behaved kids, but I know my kids don't act like the other kids when they are in group situations. Just yesterday I watched my 8yo at football practice, and the other boys were in various stages of crazy while my little guy was generally calm and collected. This is my high-energy, SPD little guy who bounces off the walls at home.

 

I think my kids just haven't been acclimated to the "herd" concept yet. I'm sure they'll get there. :lol: I think I get more comments than the average mom b/c I have five young kids. I think people are not used to seeing five kids behaving and being kind to each other.

[Jerico]

for us it is the effort we put in at home. we discipline when our children disobey and behavior is exacerbated in public.

[BamaTanya]

 

I'm not saying parenting has nothing to do with it. It absolutely does. However, it's also very possible that a lot of it is their nature.

 

:iagree:

 

I was a rule-follower, too. My children? Not so much. I had one of those easy babies (my third). He was so content, easily instructed and corrected with just a word. I thought we had really become great parents, having applied all the wisdom and experience we'd learned with the first two.

 

Ha.

 

Then we had number 4.

 

2 of our dss have Asperger Syndrome.

 

A couple of our dc get every compliment. The others? :tongue_smilie: Well, we have to stay on top of things to even be able to sit through a church service.

 

Be thankful. Keep doing what you're doing. And be thankful.

[melbotoast]

Other kids (like me and my sibs) simply save the bad stuff for home. :) I recall my mom saying she much preferred it that way. I would agree!

 

:iagree: DS is like this. I don't think anyone will ever comment on him being well-behaved while I am with him, but when he goes to church classes by himself he is a little angel.

 

In general though, I think his personality is a big part of it. He is very active and being "well-behaved" is pretty much opposite to his nature. Or at least I'm going to keep telling myself that! :tongue_smilie:

[Farrar]

I hear it pretty regularly... but I also get nasty looks pretty regularly. So, really, I have no clue what category my kids fall into.:tongue_smilie:

 

Regardless, I think it's one part parenting, one part natural personality of the kid, and one part alignment of the stars.

[Embassy]

When I was a kid/teen people commented to my mother in front of me about my good behavior. She thanked the person and I was :confused::glare: I was the one who behaved well. I realize she had something to do with it as well (now). So I don't really like it when someone tells me something like "You're kids are (insert something positive here). Great job, Mom." I just helped shape the clay I was given and the clay wasn't too difficult to shape.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I don't know. I'd like to claim my parenting style, and I do get a lot of compliments. But every now and again we have a day where I feel like people are staring at us and thinking, "Geez, can't she get a handle on those kids?!" :D

 

Honestly, amongst homeschoolers, I've met some of the BEST and some of the WORST behaved children I've ever met. I suspect some of the latter fall into the category of those who would/did have major issues adjusting to a classroom situation (not blaming homeschooling for the behavior issues).

[Night Elf]

I can't speak to the general population, but I've always attributed our kids' attitudes and behaviors to our conscious parenting that some people call radical parenting. I've seen it associated with radical unschooling. We have never had specific rules. We didn't feel the need to do things like chores, bedtimes, meal times, limited screen time, forced apologies, or forced playing together. My children have always been self-regulated in everything. They have been well-behaved and showed true love and concern for us and each other. I can't say we specifically raised them that way but I think they have behaved the way they did because we respected them and hoped they respected us in turn. I'm sure that doesn't necessarily work for everyone but it has worked for us.

[Crimson Wife]

I can't speak to anyone else's experience, but I firmly believe the reason that my high-energy, rather rambunctious kids get surprising-to-me compliments about being well-behaved is because 90+% of parents are tolerating completely bratty behavior.

 

I was waiting for my DS to get out of his CCD (Catholic religious ed) class on Tuesday and was completely appalled by the rudeness I overheard and especially by how the parents did absolutely NOTHING about it.

 

My kids aren't angels (hah!), but when they misbehave, I call them on it. That's how they will learn manners. My kids hear, "[name], that's *ENOUGH*" or "[name], that's rude! You know better than to [insert name of rude behavior]!" frequently and in general, they will knock it off after the correction.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Along these lines, one of the hardest things is when I'm with my kids and other kids and the other kids are acting like hellions and I have to tell my kids not to act like that while the other parents don't seem to have a problem with the crazy behavior. This happens a lot at bowling. Kids climb the ball return, throw balls in the sitting area on purpose, etc. The parents don't say a word. I don't let my kids do that. I am sure I appear like a psycho grouchy parent, but I don't care. I don't mind my kids getting a little goofy, but I don't let them climb equipment and act like wild animals.

 

LOL, YES! My kids do a lot of wide-eyed, raised eyebrow looks at me when they see kids acting wild in public. I know what they're thinking too. "My mom would freak out on me like a crazy lady if I was acting like that," because I tell them all the time, "You know you need to stop ____ or I'm gonna freak out on you like a crazy lady." :tongue_smilie: ;)

 

We are fun. We are silly. But, man oh man, do I expect my kids to behave like civilized human beings in public. It starts with gentle beginnings and establishing respect for other people. Crying babies get taken out of a room where crying is a problem. Toddlers who scream/climb/kick/etc. get taken to the van with a parent while everyone else finishes the meal in peace. If you are so unfortunate as to be throwing a fit on the way to the restaurant, Mom will drop off the others at the restaurant with Dad and take you home for PB&J. Yes, she will, indeed. She will be very sweet and gentle to you though, as she serves you your PB&J, knowing you are just too tired to be out and about. You might even get to snuggle and have a movie. But the lesson is there; lose it in public and you lose the right to be in public. :tongue_smilie:

 

Nature, nurture...expectations. Enforcing instead of just expecting. Honestly, I get told my kids are well-behaved sometimes and I'm all :glare::001_huh: because they aren't meeting my expectations at that moment. It happened at Trader Joe's a few weeks ago, as a matter of fact. "Oh, what well-behaved children. Can they have a lollipop?" And then the little faces look up at me like :blushing: :001_unsure: at the offer because they know... But I let them have it anyway, because I'm not pure evil. :lol:

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I think a lot of people in the community see kids when they are tired/stressed coming out of school. Isn't that when the (public schooled) kids would be out and about? And at that same time there are a lot of other tired/stressed parents with them (I am assuming a weekday afternoon/evening.) I think that could lead to less than stellar behavior, and that could be what store clerks, after school instructors, etc. could be basing their comparisons on.

[Night Elf]

I'm so glad you mentioned this. This is how we roll and I often feel kinda guilty about it. Like maybe I should be more organized (or whatever you want to call it). It works for us though. And I can bring my kids out in public and not worry they will be total pains in the neck. So something is going right.

 

I have never been a well organized person. It certainly wasn't going to just occur because I became a parent. :D I really don't feel grownup like I envision it to be. Maybe it will happen by the time I'm in my 50s or so. Well, wait. I don't want to be a grownup when I have grandkids either. Hm... Maybe my 60s or 70s.

[Alice]

I hear it a lot for my boys. I like to think that it’s all due to my stellar parenting. :)

 

Seriously, I do think that there are some things we do that help. Our kids know our expectations and try to live up to them. We don’t do things like make threats we can’t follow through on, we don’t bribe them. We have fun together, we like being together. We invest a lot of energy in the early years in teaching appropriate behavior at places like a theater or a park or in public. I think kids will often live up to the expectations adults have of them.

 

At the same time, I think a lot of it is luck and personality. I was a very compliant kid. Our oldest is also very much a rule-follower and pleaser. It’s sometimes tough disciplining him because it’s so easy to make him feel way too guilty. He likes to have fun but it really bothers him when the kids on his baseball team or Scout den are goofing off to the point of getting in trouble. He gets nervous and upset if he sees a movie where someone is misbehaving or getting in trouble. That’s just him, not something we’ve instilled in him. Our second is naturally more goofy and mischievous but he also follows his brother in a lot so far. Our daughter is by far the most strong-willed and difficult of the three so it remains to be seen how she will be.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I can't speak to anyone else's experience, but I firmly believe the reason that my high-energy, rather rambunctious kids get surprising-to-me compliments about being well-behaved is because 90+% of parents are tolerating completely bratty behavior.

 

I was waiting for my DS to get out of his CCD (Catholic religious ed) class on Tuesday and was completely appalled by the rudeness I overheard and especially by how the parents did absolutely NOTHING about it.

 

My kids aren't angels (hah!), but when they misbehave, I call them on it. That's how they will learn manners. My kids hear, "[name], that's *ENOUGH*" or "[name], that's rude! You know better than to [insert name of rude behavior]!" frequently and in general, they will knock it off after the correction.

 

Yes! I see daily examples of this! At our first visit to our new neighbor's house, the kids all went swimming. DS6 was ready to get out of the pool and shrieked at me from across the patio, "MOoooooOOOM, I NEEEEEEEED a TOOOOWWEEEELLLLL." Um, NO. Boy, you know how to ask for what you want/need politely! I didn't embarrass him in front of everyone (like he embarrassed me :lol:), but I walked over there and said to him, "DS, you know that is not OK. You know how to ask properly. Now you will apologize and speak to me politely." And he did. I went back over to my table and my neighbor was dumbfounded by that, saying to me, "I need you to come help me with ___, because I would just give her the towel." Whaaaaaaat? Seriously?! I am dumbfounded by that! You are encouraging your child to scream at you. That's going to work out great when she is 16. :tongue_smilie:

[Jenny in GA]

I think a lot of people in the community see kids when they are tired/stressed coming out of school. Isn't that when the (public schooled) kids would be out and about? And at that same time there are a lot of other tired/stressed parents with them (I am assuming a weekday afternoon/evening.) I think that could lead to less than stellar behavior, and that could be what store clerks, after school instructors, etc. could be basing their comparisons on.

 

Oh, this is an interesting point. Yes, opening night of the show is tonight and the kids have been at rehearsal every night til roughly 10:30 every night. The last two mornings they all slept in til ten!

 

That must be rough on public schooled kids in the same show, who have to get up at around 7:00 every morning despite the late rehearsals.

[SKL]

Yes! I see daily examples of this! At our first visit to our new neighbor's house, the kids all went swimming. DS6 was ready to get out of the pool and shrieked at me from across the patio, "MOoooooOOOM, I NEEEEEEEED a TOOOOWWEEEELLLLL." Um, NO. Boy, you know how to ask for what you want/need politely! I didn't embarrass him in front of everyone (like he embarrassed me :lol:), but I walked over there and said to him, "DS, you know that is not OK. You know how to ask properly. Now you will apologize and speak to me politely." And he did. I went back over to my table and my neighbor was dumbfounded by that, saying to me, "I need you to come help me with ___, because I would just give her the towel." Whaaaaaaat? Seriously?! I am dumbfounded by that! You are encouraging your child to scream at you. That's going to work out great when she is 16. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yes - I embarrass myself and my kids regularly by insisting on seeing civil behavior and communication if my cooperation in their plan is to be achieved. I would rather others hear me guiding them at age 5/6 than bring up tweens/teens who think caregivers / adults are doormats.

[Joker]

My personal experience is that my kids are so well behaved because we, the parents, have modeled that behavior.

 

From the time they could only say a few words, they always said please, thank you, excuse me, etc. In the beginning they would just echo us when we said it. The same for holding open doors and such. They've always seen us doing it and started doing it themselves.

 

I also think some of it's luck or just their personalities. I honestly don't ever remember having to get on them for being rude or crazy in public (at home is another story sometimes). They just were never those types of kids.

[deacongirl]

If I would have stopped at 2 children I would have thought that I was the best parent ever and that people who couldn't make their kids behave in public were horrible parents. I have since learned differently. (of course high expectations and good modeling are appropriate and the lack of would impact a kid's behavior as well.

[swellmomma]

I think you are right that there is good parents everywhere, I think you just have kids with that sort of personality that makes them easy to work with. I don't think it was anything you specifically did that was different of other good parents. I get many compliments on my kids behaviour, and I get many negative comments too. Nothing is done differently day to day to have it swing back and forth as far as parenting goes. The kids have their own personalities and some are just easier to get along with, more compliant etc.

[Mélie]

My personal experience is that my kids are so well behaved because we, the parents, have modeled that behavior.

 

From the time they could only say a few words, they always said please, thank you, excuse me, etc. In the beginning they would just echo us when we said it. The same for holding open doors and such. They've always seen us doing it and started doing it themselves.

 

I also think some of it's luck or just their personalities. I honestly don't ever remember having to get on them for being rude or crazy in public (at home is another story sometimes). They just were never those types of kids.

My boys are young, but this is our experience so far. We also let the boys know ahead of time what is expected of them in a given situation. Last week, after their art class, the teacher came up to me and told me how good my boys are at listening and following directions (and asked if they wanted to move to an older group because theirs is so crazy and unfocused). My boys overheard the conversation and one of the asked me on the way out "Did the other kids' moms not tell them they were supposed to listen to the teacher?"

[myfunnybunch]

I think it is a combination of all of the above. I think there is a correlation with homeschooing due to the positive benefits to the relationship when time and attention are invested. (see book Hold on to Your Kids) But, I also think that luck plays a big part--I would have attributed my first being well-behaved to parenting until I had my 3rd. Some kids are just naturally better behaved, and some have to mature out of some behaviors that no amount of punishing would diminish, and unless you have parented a kid like that it is impossible to understand.

 

:iagree:

 

Except it was reversed for me. I had days when I thought I was a terrible parent. My two older boys are very impulsive, and busy, and loud, and passionate. I work very hard to help them keep their behavior under control, but it's a challenge for them and me. My third is easy as pie. He was an easy baby. He was an easy toddler. He's an easy kid now. I get compliments on his behavior almost everywhere we go.

 

My mom says the same thing: She congratulated herself on being a wonderful parent until my younger sister came along. (Sis has grown into an amazing, passionate, creative well-behaved adult, by the way.)

 

cat

[SKL]

My boys are young, but this is our experience so far. We also let the boys know ahead of time what is expected of them in a given situation. Last week, after their art class, the teacher came up to me and told me how good my boys are at listening and following directions (and asked if they wanted to move to an older group because theirs is so crazy and unfocused). My boys overheard the conversation and one of the asked me on the way out "Did the other kids' moms not tell them they were supposed to listen to the teacher?"

 

There may be an interesting point here. I think many/most parents assume that it's up to the teacher to manage the kids in their class / team. I've been known to send my kid into something assuming she knows what behavior I expect, only to find out I assumed too much. So there are times when I make it a point to remind one or both, in specific terms, shortly before the event in question, what they need to do to meet my expectations. I think I tend toward the "proactive" side in that regard. Others might feel more comfortable with "let the teacher work it out, it's her job and she needs to establish that relationship."

 

I always thank people who draw my attention to any little thing my kid does wrong as soon as possible, so I can address it. And that works. It's amazing how much more oomph something has when not one, but two authorities say it. What I don't appreciate is hearing "this has been going on for x time and she did ___ last week . . . ." Tell me now and chances are, you will see a different kid by tomorrow morning.

[WishboneDawn]

I get compliments on my kids' behaviour, lately a LOT about my 11 month old. For instance, I had to take him in while my husband had surgery a month ago and it was a 7 hour wait in the hospital. He was fine and impressed a lot of people there.

 

But I think the key is that I went expecting to have to cater to him the whole time. I was asking something extraordinary of a baby and so had to be "on" every minute so I could end any issues before they started. I think that's part of why the kids are well behaved now. Certainly modeling proper behaviour was part of it but also always calmly parenting, correcting bad behaviour, seeing when they'd reached their limits, etc.

 

So much bad behaviour I see seems to come from parents who simply play helpless or even ignore heir kids when they're in public. They don't seem to know how to correct their kids while others are watching or even what constitutes good behaviour.

[Mommy22alyns]

I'd say it's nature and nurture with a good dose of sheer luck thrown in.

 

Yep!

[joannqn]

Or ... are other kids surprisingly not so well-behaved??

 

 

I think your kids are well-behaved. But I also think you'd be surprised just how bad some kids can be.

 

My doctor's office has told me that some people let their kids run and scream up and down the halls outside the exam rooms while they are waiting or being seen.

[Crimson Wife]

I think a lot of people in the community see kids when they are tired/stressed coming out of school. Isn't that when the (public schooled) kids would be out and about? And at that same time there are a lot of other tired/stressed parents with them (I am assuming a weekday afternoon/evening.) I think that could lead to less than stellar behavior, and that could be what store clerks, after school instructors, etc. could be basing their comparisons on.

 

Possibly, but what I fault the parents on is their putting up with misbehavior, not that their kids are misbehaving in the first place. If your kid is rude, but you call them on it, you've got my sympathy.

[Crimson Wife]

If I would have stopped at 2 children I would have thought that I was the best parent ever and that people who couldn't make their kids behave in public were horrible parents. I have since learned differently. (of course high expectations and good modeling are appropriate and the lack of would impact a kid's behavior as well.

 

Most of the bratty, rude kids I see are only children or have at most a single sibling. Very few families in my neck of the woods have 3+ kids. And the ones who do often are better behaved than average. The Mormon and devout Catholic families I know who have large families typically have very well-behaved, polite kids.

[mumto2]

I think for us it has been a combination of the knowledge that Dh and I will take them home if they misbehave. We have never needed to but we would. We have always discussed proper behavior in the car on the way to whatever activity, especially if it is new to them. What will it look like, questions they might be asked etc. What to do if....... They go in well prepared.

 

We took them to a very formal wedding when they were 6 and 8. They were the only children at a really posh affair. They were kissed and hugged constantly by lots of really old people that they did not remember but were really dear to dh and I. We were in the process of leaving the US so people wanted to see them. They smiled, hugged, and chatted. We were so proud of them. The whole affair was completely out of their comfort zone.

[bkpan]

If I would have stopped at 2 children I would have thought that I was the best parent ever and that people who couldn't make their kids behave in public were horrible parents. I have since learned differently. (of course high expectations and good modeling are appropriate and the lack of would impact a kid's behavior as well.

 

Yes this.

 

I strongly believe that childrens' personality have much to do with this. We ended up having six dc and believe me, there is a vast difference in behavior that I end up with depending on who I have out with me in public. Same parents with the same house rules, but very different kids.

 

The good result is that I do not tend to judge other people's parenting skills based solely on their kids' behavior (unless the parents are screaming or acting out with little self-control of their own). I have learned that the same kids who get the great compliments from strangers, in another venue could inspire some nasty looks. It has given me more empathy for other parents.

 

I would guess a ratio of around 75% nature and 25% nuture.

 

Kim

[nukeswife]

I can't speak to the general population, but I've always attributed our kids' attitudes and behaviors to our conscious parenting that some people call radical parenting. I've seen it associated with radical unschooling. We have never had specific rules. We didn't feel the need to do things like chores, bedtimes, meal times, limited screen time, forced apologies, or forced playing together. My children have always been self-regulated in everything. They have been well-behaved and showed true love and concern for us and each other. I can't say we specifically raised them that way but I think they have behaved the way they did because we respected them and hoped they respected us in turn. I'm sure that doesn't necessarily work for everyone but it has worked for us.

 

:iagree: We're also part of this camp. I think how my kids behave in Public was simply learned by osmosis of watching me behave in public.

[AndyJoy]

Most of the bratty, rude kids I see are only children or have at most a single sibling. Very few families in my neck of the woods have 3+ kids. And the ones who do often are better behaved than average. The Mormon and devout Catholic families I know who have large families typically have very well-behaved, polite kids.

Do we really have to go here? This seems like too much of a generalization to me. My anecdotal evidence from my area is the opposite. There is an LDS playgroup at our park with a ton of out of control kids and intentionally oblivious parents. Several of my friends with 3+ kids seem to have given up on correcting obnoxious behavior in public. I know several homeschooling families of 5+ kids who let their kids behave very rudely. I know at least dozen parents of 1-2 children who are very involved, intentional, and aware of their children's behavior. I've lived enough places to know that family size is not a determining factor for "brattiness."

[merry gardens]

We get compliments often on our children's behavior.

 

I credit both our parenting and homeschooling. Sure, children at public schools can be well behaved too, (and I know some!) but parents have to work hard after school to un-teach their children some of the behaviors that they pick up at school.

[PeacefulChaos]

I really have no idea. A lot of it is personality, and I think a fair amount is what parents put in. Aside from that, I have no idea!

 

(I have one well behaved and one who isn't necessarily always well behaved but is so.stinking.charming. that people love him anyway. :tongue_smilie: The other one is 3, so I can't tell if she's well behaved or not based on her overdramatic 3 year old tendencies. :D )

 

Oh, and I don't think the number of children in the home has anything to do with it. I think involved parents have a lot to do with it.

[AndyJoy]

I really think it is a secret formula of nature, consistent parenting, and a bit of luck!

 

My sister and I both garnered a lot of praise for my parents. We went to a combination of public and Christian schools. My parents were intentional, aware, and pretty consistent parents. But I think a lot of it had to do with our personalities. I was precociously verbal and thrived on social interaction with adults. I figured out how to navigate social expectations early and enjoyed pleasing adults. I was a strong, type-A, rule-following personality with strong convictions on what was wrong and right and just and unjust. My sister had a more laid-back personality, but she was very much a people-pleaser. As a small child, she thrived on positive feedback from adults and was deeply wounded if she displeased anyone. Later she craved the positive feedback from her peers rather than adults, so things changed, but as children we were both "wonderfully behaved." Our strong innate desires to please adults coupled with our parents' high expectations made us successful in this way.

 

And then there is my son. He is still young (just turned 3), so the verdict is still out on him, but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't get quite so much praise. I get compliments on his friendliness, politeness, and helpfulness but I know some people (esp. my FIL) find him lacking in the overall "well-behaved" category. He doesn't sit still, talks incessantly, is never truly silent unless watching TV, can be rambunctious when overexcited, takes risks, and thinks getting a laugh or doing something fun/exciting trumps any consequence we can think up. He is the kind of busy boy that I remember pursing my lips and shaking my head at when I was a little "angel" in my school classroom.

 

I used to think that "good parents have well-behaved kids," but I'm finding that this phrase is nearly useless for me. I would (and have) driven myself crazy trying to figure out how to be exactly that "good" parent that produces the "well-behaved" kid, as though there is some perfect formula I can replicate. I can't measure/define good in a satisfactory way for myself--I prefer to focus on being consistent, contemplative, and intentional. As time goes on I discover his nature/personality more and more and find myself more willing to accept the fact that he's not fitting into the preconceived mold I had envisioned. He has a very loving/sweet nature even if he isn't the most obedient, and I'm happy with the direction we're headed right now, even if I am sometimes "that mom" who can't control her kid. (I just want to add that the "out of control" behavior to which I am referring isn't hurting anyone else).

[Crimson Wife]

Do we really have to go here? This seems like too much of a generalization to me. My anecdotal evidence from my area is the opposite. There is an LDS playgroup at our park with a ton of out of control kids and intentionally oblivious parents. Several of my friends with 3+ kids seem to have given up on correcting obnoxious behavior in public. I know several homeschooling families of 5+ kids who let their kids behave very rudely. I know at least dozen parents of 1-2 children who are very involved, intentional, and aware of their children's behavior. I've lived enough places to know that family size is not a determining factor for "brattiness."

 

I was not the one who brought family size into the discussion FWIW. I was just disputing the PP's claim that moms of medium or larger families don't care about their kids' behavior.

[GSOchristie]

My 5 year old is not well behaved. He is consistently disciplined at home and while we are out. He is always into something, honestly, like Dennis the Menance, trouble just finds him. My 3 year old is an angel, he is polite, obedient, calm, and sweet natured. My 1 year old is still too little to peg. Same nature, same nurture. J is a pleaser, he likes to please me and everyone else, he knows that people like good behavior. A doesn't care if anyone is pleased with him, never has. A is also very intelligent, maybe even gifted, and he is always seeking challenges, like he needs to be stimulated. So if we we're at the theater, he would be putting on the makeup, and trying to figure out how the curtains work, pushing buttons in the sound booth, counting the chairs by touching each one, etc, he can never just BE STILL, no matter what consequence he is facing.

[Wabi Sabi]

I only have two kids and while they're certainly not perfect, they're well-behaved and well-mannered in general. Overall they're just pretty mellow, laid-back kids who take authority figures very seriously.

 

Although I'd like to take credit for it, I can't say that they're easy kids because of our absolutely stellar parenting skills, LOL. I'm far from a perfect parent, I lose my cool easily, often lack patience and consistency. While I'm sure environment/nurture is a factor, overall I'm convinced that it's just sheer dumb luck in our case. Call it luck, call it good fortune, call it proper alignment of the stars and moons, whatever. All I know is that I'm NOT willing to tempt fate and go for a third child. :tongue_smilie:

Edited October 13, 2012 by Wabi Sabi

[Guest submarines]

I can't speak to the general population, but I've always attributed our kids' attitudes and behaviors to our conscious parenting that some people call radical parenting. I've seen it associated with radical unschooling. We have never had specific rules. We didn't feel the need to do things like chores, bedtimes, meal times, limited screen time, forced apologies, or forced playing together. My children have always been self-regulated in everything. They have been well-behaved and showed true love and concern for us and each other. I can't say we specifically raised them that way but I think they have behaved the way they did because we respected them and hoped they respected us in turn. I'm sure that doesn't necessarily work for everyone but it has worked for us.

 

:iagree:This is how we parent as well, and my kids are frequently complimented for their behaviour. This doesn't always mean that they are quiet in public, but their behaviour is consistent with each particular environment and expectations. They might run down an aisle of an empty store, but they know to walk when there are shoppers around, for example.

[LittleIzumi]

I dunno :tongue_smilie: but mutiple people have also commented on how much love they see in our family, so maybe that's it?

[GWOB]

Every time my kids get a compliment, and they get those quite often, I always feel 2 things::001_huh: and :party:. I love hearing about how well-behaved my kids are, because 85% of the time we are at home I feel like selling them to a circus.:tongue_smilie:

 

Is it because they are homeschooled? That may have a bit to do with it, though like others have stated, I have met some pretty tyrannical homeschool kids. My dh has noted the difference between hs kids and ps kids when we have friends over. With hs kids, everyone, despite their ages, plays together. With ps kids, it's kinda a mad, crazy, free-for-all. It's not that ps kids are bad. They are just cooped up for so long during the day/week that they just need to let their hair down and go wild.

 

I have a hand-written note in my wallet that I have been carrying around for 2-3 years. We had gone out to dinner one night at a local restaurant. It seemed like a normal night to me. We just had dinner and talked to each other. When dh asked for the bill, the waitress brought the note instead. The lady sitting next to us had paid for our dinner because, as she stated, our kids were so polite, considerate, and well-behaved.

 

Once while we were grocery shopping, I had an elderly lady stop me and specifically compliment my parenting. My son was being a pill, constantly wandering off and not watching where he was going. So I stopped, pulled to the side of the aisle, and made him stand in time-out (arms by his side and head down). We stood there for a good 5 minutes. This lady was so impressed that I actually took the time to correct his behavior. He was running into people! Of course I'm going to address that!

 

So how do good kids happen? Luck, consistency, genetics, and more luck. My kids are generally good kids. They sure don't get that from their momma:lol:. We are consistent. I may even be considered a bit of a hard-arse. I'm not just raising kids. I'm raising future adults that have to go out into the world and function. I do not respond to requests/begging unless I am asked politely, and not in Whinese. When we are out in public, I constantly repeat the phrases "self control" and "be aware". I make them hold open doors for others. I make them look adults in the eye and speak properly to them. I do in fact threaten them with death, dismemberment, and Chinese water torture if they misbehave. If a teacher (piano, Sunday School, PE) tells me there was a problem, I address it immediately and make them apologize. I have no problems removing my kids from a group if they are misbehaving. I make sure they are aware of the fact that they are under a microscope because they are homeschooled and Christian. I teach them how to both respect others and expect others to respect them. It's hard. It's inconvenient at times, but I have a vision of the adults I would like them to be. That vision keeps me sane when I have to drag a kicking, screaming kid out of Target.