Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective

[LarlaB]

We are very close to my husband's sister, and she has been like a second mother to my kiddos....She is 34 and has been seriously dating a guy that we all love, and it's been a matter of time before they were to get married. However she just found out that she's pregnant. They are now planning a December wedding.

 

Coming from a conservative Christian perspective, but one that is filled with grace given the realization that we are all imperfect, how do I explain this to my daughter? We haven't yet had the talk.... and this of course, complicates things. I've resigned myself that I suppose this is the opportunity to give her all those books I've been saving up…

 

Thoughts? how would you handle this?

 

ETA: this is not me judging or trying to make it a deal. This is is a big deal to SIL....she is disappointed and thus is far from their ideal. Not everyone is thrilled to get pregnant outside of marriage. Please respect and be tolerant of viewpoints that are different from your own. Anyway- They are both semi conservative Christians and were trying to abstain from s3x...therefore this pregnancy is difficult althought they are humbly thankful for it. I simply wanted advice on how to frame this for my child because she WILL hear about it. If you feel the need to judge me, start your own thread :)

Edited September 22, 2012 by LarlaB

[MommaOfalotta]

I dont have any advice but I feel for you. My daughter assumes you get married, and then you get babies.. and I haven't told her any different (yet.)

 

She always asks me why so and so doesnt have a baby yet.. "Theyre married! Wheres their baby?"

[LibraryLover]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

[Coffeetime]

Frankly, I wouldn't bother telling her anything.

 

They're getting married in a couple of months. Your daughter is 8. This won't even be on her radar.

[IsabelC]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

ITA.

[blakereese]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

 

:iagree: I don't think my son would catch the math at this age. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If you draw attention to the fact now that what her aunt did is "wrong", she may hold it against her or feel bad being close with her, iykwim? Because at 8 she doesn't realize that you are trying to give her a life lesson, all she hears is "you must be married first, auntie didn't do it that way, that is bad". What I am trying to say is that later when she DOES figure out the math, she will have the maturity to see that it may not have happened in the right order, and can deal with feelings about it in a more appropriate way.

 

I know where you are coming from, and I would have a different conversation with a 12 year old, but not an 8 year old.

[freeindeed]

She probably won't be showing at the wedding. I just wouldn't mention it to your dd now. It's unlikely she'll do the math when the baby is born.

[Impish]

Your dd is 8. She's not going to be doing the math.

[astrid]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

 

Looking for the "like" button

 

astrid

[mommaduck]

Don't say anything. She's getting married. When the baby comes, then she had a baby. Your daughter is eight. She doesn't need details or added information.

[catz]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

 

:iagree:

[abacus2]

Frankly, I wouldn't bother telling her anything.

 

They're getting married in a couple of months. Your daughter is 8. This won't even be on her radar.

 

:iagree:

[Desert Rat]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

 

:iagree: Well said.

[Kathryn]

Agree with everyone else. It shouldn't be an issue at all.

[Bluegoat]

I agree with the others, unless it is commonly talked about in the extended family. If that is how it is, an eight year old will hear about it.

 

This has come up with my dd who is seven. I just said that normally it is best if parents are married first, but sometimes things don't happen that way.

[momma2three]

I agree that she won't notice, but just in case she overhears, I like the "sometimes babies come when we least expect them" line.

[Dobela]

My grandmother simply said once, "Everyone makes mistakes and choices that are not ideal. Some sins are more noticeable than others." It happens. How it is settled will be between GOd and the aunt on judgement. In the meantime, rejoice that she has found a good man and is going to have a treasured baby. Both are blessings.

[Durriyyah]

Just want to chime in that IF she does catch on (some family members aren't very good about watching what is said in front of kids, or if she does happen to do the math), you can explain that you believe that people should wait for marriage to have children (don't need to get into the part on how they are made... just leave it to the end result of it), and you believe this is guidance from your Creator. Not all people follow this guidance, just like some people don't give in charity or help the sick or poor. The fact that people we love and care about don't always do perfect things doesn't mean that the guidance isn't valid anymore, but instead that person didn't follow the guidance.

 

I don't think you need to get into depth of what sins are more serious than others at this point. There will come a time when you will cover that and you shouldn't really use close family members as examples anyway. :001_smile:

[happi duck]

I think you can just be excited like you'd normally be.

 

If "but they're not married yet" comes I don't think you need to launch into every detail. "Sometimes people do things like married people before they're married...some of those things make a baby...a baby doesn't just happen"

 

This worked for us and I also added. "What people do to make a baby is something I'd rather not talk about now but if you'd like to know I will tell you about it."

[PeacefulChaos]

My grandmother simply said once, "Everyone makes mistakes and choices that are not ideal. Some sins are more noticeable than others." It happens. How it is settled will be between GOd and the aunt on judgement. In the meantime, rejoice that she has found a good man and is going to have a treasured baby. Both are blessings.

 

:iagree:

I also think she may not catch on, but if it's talked about and stuff, I could definitely see her finding out before the actual wedding. :)

 

ETA: Duh, I guess I should have an answer from my personal experience on this :lol: -- when I was a kid I always knew I didn't have a dad and that my mom wasn't married when she had me. I think it was always just something similar to 'Well, people should be married before they have a baby, but not everyone does that.' Or something to that extent. I never really worried about it much. :)

Edited September 22, 2012 by PeacefulChaos

[sheryl]

Nothing. She probably won't even be showing much (to an 8 yr old) by that time. I'd leave it be if it matters to you. If she figures out the math when she is older, tell her then. Or just say, "Sometimes babies come when we least expect them. Auntie is so happy to be having a baby! It's very exciting!"

 

That wouldn't bother me, I would just tell my child, but at 8, maybe you don't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not a Christian, although I am a moral person. However. Adults have sex.

 

34 year olds have sex. :shrug: She was lucky enough to get pregnant. I am saying lucky because they are obviously wanting this baby. Women who have sex with men they love often get pregnant. They are getting married. Awesome. :)

 

I agree with the part above in pink. My reason - she's just too young to know. Does she "need" to know? When she's older and she can reason through it a bit more, then yes.

[FO4UR]

I doubt an 8yo will be doing that math.:iagree:

 

 

To give a frame of reference, I'm expecting right now and have to always explain how much longer we have to wait for baby to come. My dc are 9, 7, and 6. If I wasn't their mother, living with them, they would not likely notice that I was pregnant until just recently (6mo along) when I really began showing.

 

My grandmother says that the first baby always comes early. The rest of them take 9mo.:tongue_smilie::lol:

[marbel]

I agree with the others, unless it is commonly talked about in the extended family. If that is how it is, an eight year old will hear about it.

 

This has come up with my dd who is seven. I just said that normally it is best if parents are married first, but sometimes things don't happen that way.

 

:iagree: Yep.

 

We knew a young woman at church who was pregnant but had no husband (or fiance or boyfriend... ). My daughter who was 9 or so then, I think. People were talking about it, so I had to say something, and the above was just about what I said.

[LarlaB]

I think you can just be excited like you'd normally be.

 

If "but they're not married yet" comes I don't think you need to launch into every detail. "Sometimes people do things like married people before they're married...some of those things make a baby...a baby doesn't just happen"

 

This worked for us and I also added. "What people do to make a baby is something I'd rather not talk about now but if you'd like to know I will tell you about it."

 

 

Thanks- that is very helpful!

 

First there's little to no chance that she won't overhear...we are part of a large, talkative family and yes it will be commonly talked about. Im not making it an issue...we are very close with my husbands side if the family - with them once a week etc. And she is bright...she asks challenging questions and has exceptional listening and comprehension skills. I've long realized she is beyond her years. So I would be foolish to expect her to not ask questions snd to simply accept a 5 yr old level answer. She believes that babies come after you're married.

 

And for those who by their reply infer that I am making this 'an issue' or judging, I assure you that I am only reflecting the disappointment that my SIL and her fiancé feel. They had been trying to abstain from s3x as they are both Christians.... This is not THEIR ideal.... Regardless, I want to carefully phrase what I say to DD... It's a teaching moment and I don't want to flub it LOL. We are sooooooo excited about the baby and I know SIL will get there soon ...

Edited September 22, 2012 by LarlaB

[Scarlett]

Thanks- that is very helpful!

 

First there's little to no chance that she won't overhear...we are part of a large, talkative family. And she is bright...she asks challenging questions and has exceptional listening and comprehension skills. I've long realized she is beyond her years. So I would be foolish to expect her to not ask questions snd to simply accept a 5 yr old level answer. She believes that babies come after you're married.

 

And for those who by their reply infer that I am making this 'an issue' or judging, I assure you that I am only reflecting the disappointment that my SIL and her fiancé feel. They had been trying to abstain from s3x.... And they arent sure they are ready for this....they are still in shock. I am thrilled but understand their mixed feelings. Please respect that not everyone happily practices s3x outside of marriage :)

 

I feel for you. My 8 year old would definitely figure it out.

 

I remember when I had to explain to him how it was that I had a biological father he had never met....and how that meant that Nana had a child out of wedlock. He was all :001_huh: .

 

Hugs to your SIL....

[LarlaB]

And obviously DD won't be doing the math ... LOL yet Since she will hear it discussed, I want to make sure I coonect the dots in a God honoring and Auntie honoring way.

[Starr]

There is an old expression, "Second babies take 9 months, first babies come anytime." :D While they are in shock now they will be delighted with their little one. Have a book on hand geared toward your dd's age to help with questions if you need it. :grouphug:

[Spy Car]

Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective?

 

I remember a Christian story about a woman who got pregnant before marriage. I believe her name was Mary.

 

Bill

[mommaduck]

Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective?

 

I remember a Christian story about a woman who got pregnant before marriage. I believe her name was Mary.

 

Bill

Very true. And thus we should always remember grace in such situations.

[Susan C.]

Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective?

 

I remember a Christian story about a woman who got pregnant before marriage. I believe her name was Mary.

 

Bill

 

Yep, and it caused quite a stir, things haven't changed much!

 

My wording for my dc when they questioned was always "they got their order messed up." No harsh judgement, just accepting that people make their own decisions, and it won't always be like we think things should be.

[Scarlett]

Yep, and it caused quite a stir, things haven't changed much!

 

My wording for my dc when they questioned was always "they got their order messed up." No harsh judgement, just accepting that people make their own decisions, and it won't always be like we think things should be.

 

I like it.

[Reflections]

I very recently helped my 50yo bil with the this kind of "math" at his parents 50th wedding anniversary - he was a very large premature baby.:D

 

So. imo, this will not be on your kid's radar at all. Maybe not for another 42 years.

[Scarlett]

I very recently helped my 50yo bil with the this kind of "math" at his parents 50th wedding anniversary - he was a very large premature baby.:D

 

So. imo, this will not be on your kid's radar at all. Maybe not for another 42 years.

 

That is hilarious. I helped my best friend 'do the math' when her oldest brother was 25 and her parents were celebrating 25 years. It prompted my friend to ask her mother about it....her mom was frank about it. And that was that.

[VeritasMama]

I don't think you will need to have this talk at this age, but when she gets older it may be an issue.

 

My first born was born out of wedlock, I returned to the church when I had him and my husband converted before we were married. He is now 11, and he had the "birds and the bees" talk last year. I also have friends and family who have children without getting married, and obviously it is a no-no in the faith we are now practicing.

 

I have explained that people make mistakes and sin, and although God does not condone the sin, he does allow good things to come from our sin at times, this is because he loves us. That is what a child is, the best gift God can possible give you, and children are always considered a gift from God no matter when or how they are born. The good that God allows to come from sin is one way we can be lead back to Him when we stray. Some see the goodness from God and choose to go back into the fold, some are blind to the goodness of God or for other reasons choose not to follow Him, but God always loves anyway and so He gave us free will to choose for ourselves. He would never treat us like slaves and force us to follow Him.

 

I also tell my son that of course we shouldn't judge others, but we should pray for those who go astray, that they will repent and return like the prodigal son (and like myself, for that matter).

[elfgivas]

Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective?

 

I remember a Christian story about a woman who got pregnant before marriage. I believe her name was Mary.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: i was just going to post this!

 

i am sad that they are disappointed in themselves.... this is a beautiful and wonderful and grace-filled thing.

 

ann

[Audrey]

What you said is not a bad starting point for a conversation with your dd. You may need to reframe it for her level of maturity -- 2 loving people who had wanted to get married, stumbling in their hopes to wait for sex, but deserving of some grace for their human-ness.

 

Perhaps it would also be a good time to add in your views on what the ideal would be, and what your views on how/when grace should be extended.

[Audrey]

I very recently helped my 50yo bil with the this kind of "math" at his parents 50th wedding anniversary - he was a very large premature baby.:D

 

So. imo, this will not be on your kid's radar at all. Maybe not for another 42 years.

 

 

I helped my own dh with this. We were doing a family tree, and I wanted to clarify the year of his oldest brother's birth. He said 1955. I asked again to make sure. He said it definitely was '55. No doubts. I said, "Okay, but this marriage certificate says your parents were married July 25, 1954. So you are telling me your oldest brother was born the following January, right?"

 

He thought for a moment (doing the mental math) and was flabbergasted. No one had ever mentioned it, thought of it, or questioned it in all of his (up to that point) 40 years.

[Plucky]

I helped my own dh with this. We were doing a family tree, and I wanted to clarify the year of his oldest brother's birth. He said 1955. I asked again to make sure. He said it definitely was '55. No doubts. I said, "Okay, but this marriage certificate says your parents were married July 25, 1954. So you are telling me your oldest brother was born the following January, right?"

 

He thought for a moment (doing the mental math) and was flabbergasted. No one had ever mentioned it, thought of it, or questioned it in all of his (up to that point) 40 years.

 

 

That makes me laugh so hard. I love it. Babies are a blessing. Some come earlier than others. ;)

 

I was the first in my family to get pregnant when I was married. Stupid infertility issues.

[Deb in NZ]

Dh & I got the order mixed up as well ;) We weren't teens, so you'd think in this day & age "surprises" wouldn't occur. My mother took it in stride & told me "babies come when God wants them to & having a baby conceived in love was more important than the dates." When I mentioned to my Dad that I was unsure how to tell my Gram, he said, "Don't worry. She had a rushed wedding as well." :lol: Dd didn't "do the math" until she was in her mid-teens.

 

Don't stress. Celebrate the up-coming marriage & the following birth. Both are born of Love & a true reason for joy.

 

JMHO,

 

PS--I do pray that my dc do things in the right order as it is adds a level of stress personally to the marriage when a babe is on the way. But every baby is a welcome addition to the family, no matter when they arrive. ;)

[mathwonk]

Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective?

 

I remember a Christian story about a woman who got pregnant before marriage. I believe her name was Mary.

 

Bill

 

my thoughts exactly, but expressed better.

Edited September 22, 2012 by mathwonk

[Jpoy85]

Pregnancy before marriage from a Christian perspective?

 

I remember a Christian story about a woman who got pregnant before marriage. I believe her name was Mary.

 

Bill

 

my thoughts exactly, but expressed better.

 

:lol: That would be one way to look at it.

[scrappyhappymama]

Your dd is 8. She's not going to be doing the math.

 

I agree that she won't notice, but just in case she overhears, I like the "sometimes babies come when we least expect them" line.

 

:iagree:

 

 

I very recently helped my 50yo bil with the this kind of "math" at his parents 50th wedding anniversary - he was a very large premature baby.:D

 

So. imo, this will not be on your kid's radar at all. Maybe not for another 42 years.

 

That is hilarious! I think I was around twelve or so when I finally did the math between my birthday and my parent's anniversary. I remember asking my grandma about it, because I was too embarrassed to ask my parents directly.

 

As an adult, I've enjoyed doing some genealogy research and I have been pretty surprised to find just how very often this very "math" issue came into play in my own family history.

 

I think if your daughter starts putting things together, it would be a great springboard for conversations about the differences between ideals and striving for them, as well as potentially the b&b talk. If you don't already have a plan about how to approach that, it's probably a good time to make one.

[momma2three]

Wasn't there some historian who did research on the colonial birth rate, and discovered that the average baby born in New England in the early 18th century in New England was born 7 months after its mother's wedding? :lol: And that was the average, so plenty were born, um, even more premature.

 

There really isn't ever anything new under the sun. And it's hard to get more Christian than early 18th century New England.

[sparkygirl]

As the parents are the ones who are feeling conflicted about getting pregnant before marriage I would actually take a lot of the posts here are talk with the mom and dad to be. Bring some peace and grace in the joy of this baby to their hearts.

 

Second, I would not say anything to DD at this point in time, I would hold off until mom to be is safely past the first few months.

 

My two bonus kids at 8 and 10 caught on very quickly when I was pregnant because they were living with us and we only have one bathroom, there was no escaping the morning sickness.

 

If you do want to use this baby as a springboard for the birds and the bees we found the It's so Amazing book to great for their questions without giving more information than they needed.

 

http://robieharris.com/?page_id=215

[Renee in NC]

That is hilarious. I helped my best friend 'do the math' when her oldest brother was 25 and her parents were celebrating 25 years. It prompted my friend to ask her mother about it....her mom was frank about it. And that was that.

 

I am waiting for it to dawn on my 14yo. He isn't naive, he just isn't very observant. Also, our anniversary is the beginning of August and his birthday is the end of February, which makes it less noticeable.

[Renee in NC]

Wasn't there some historian who did research on the colonial birth rate, and discovered that the average baby born in New England in the early 18th century in New England was born 7 months after its mother's wedding? :lol: And that was the average, so plenty were born, um, even more premature.

 

There really isn't ever anything new under the sun. And it's hard to get more Christian than early 18th century New England.

 

According to a history teacher in the 8th grade, that is because the couple-to-be would have to conceive before the marriage. There weren't many people, and the need for pro-creation to increase the population was very high. If a couple couldn't conceive, they couldn't marry. Don't know how accurate it is, but it makes sense to me!

[JenC3]

The big problem here it seems are the gossipy relatives. No offense, but why should everyone be talking about it? If your sil is already upset, why should they be so insensitve? I would also mention to them to refrain while dd is around. I'm not sure I'd have the big TeA talk at 8. My dd understands how babies are born/concieved, but sh still thinks it happens once you are married. I like my TeA talks in age appropriate stages. JMHO:)

[butterflymommy]

My kids have attended schools where a lot of the mothers were never married and/ or have different fathers for each child. This took some explaining ;). I said that the ideal is to be married but for some reason not everyone does that but that they should wait until marriage before getting pregnant. And that the most important thing is not to panic if you do get pregnant outside of marriage because life is precious, and this segues into my telling them my views on abortion (pro life) and that I will never judge them or be angry if they come to me pregnant in an imperfect moment, and that I will be the free babysitter for life :).

 

Can't they bump up the wedding? :D

[CalicoKat]

It happens. Look at Mother Mary. Even Jesus was conceived before the ceremony. Of course that's bending some of the detail......but still. She faced that stigma even if God was the baby daddy.

[freesia]

Frankly, I wouldn't bother telling her anything.

 

They're getting married in a couple of months. Your daughter is 8. This won't even be on her radar.

:iagree: