I need practical ideas to get through a couple of really difficult days.

[Julie in CA]

This is not about what my dh has done, nor is it a vent about him in any way, but I have to give a teeny bit of background (for those who aren't familiar with my situation) in order to get the practical ideas I'm looking for.

 

Two years ago dh had an inappropriate friendship. It began two days after our 22nd anniversary, and continued for almost a year. I didn't know until recently, and dh and I are both doing everything we can to save our marriage and family.

 

Tomorrow is supposed to be our 24th anniversary, and I'm finding it really hard to get through. I've always thought of our anniversary as a day to celebrate the years we've been together, keeping ourselves just for each other. Now it's just making me...unbearably sad, to think about what the day *should* have meant. It's also going to be difficult for me two days afterwards, which is still in my mind as the day he first called her, and the day the "old me" really kind of died, whether I knew it at the time or not.

 

My dh just brought me flowers, as he always does on our anniversary, and just as he did on that anniversary two years ago. :crying: I am trying to be gracious, but all I can seem to be right now is horribly, almost unbearably, sad. The poor guy doesn't know how to help, and really is in a situation where he brought me flowers, and I'm crying, and if he didn't bring me the flowers, I'd cry. :001_huh:

 

Now to the real question!

I need to pull out of this. It's the wrong time for me to make things harder than they already were. We need to continue forward progress. *I* need to make forward progress.

 

How can I get through the next two days without clinging to sadness and disappointment? I'm looking for really practical ideas, and need to add that teA cannot be the main component. :bigear:

[Diane in CO]

I don't have any ideas...but couldn't read this without giving you a :grouphug: and wishing you the best.

 

Diane

[Starr]

Is there someone you could go visit and just get away for a couple of days? It might be better not to be home and you can cry if you need to without an audience. :grouphug:

[Merry]

there is anything that you had always wanted to do for your anniversary but never got around to doing it for one reason or another? Might that be a good time to do it?

[lllll]

....

Edited August 2, 2012 by ksva

[Loudwater School]

Get a new, very absorbing novel, maybe new pajamas and bath stuff, and just give yourself permission to enjoy these things. Also, schedule something to do with you DH that makes you feel like he's prioritizing you-- ask him to take you to dinner if he normally cooks for you, or cook for you if he normally takes you to dinner, or go on a day trip to someplace you frequented when you were kids, or something like that.

[Alte Veste Academy]

:grouphug: to you, Julie. I will say that the only thing that makes me feel better when I am disappointed, let down, and sad beyond belief is to vent it out. I tell DH that there is nothing he can do or say to make me feel better but I want him to sit for as long as it takes and hear me, really hear me...my hurt, my disappointment, my restless and uncontrollable frustration with the particular situation. I would tell your DH thank you for the flowers and that you wouldn't want him not to give you flowers but that they feel bittersweet. And then I would ask him to listen and try to understand the difficulty of this anniversary from your point of view.

 

Can you get out of the house, see a movie, tackle a project? When I am desperately sad, I have to do hard physical work or I literally pace. :grouphug: again.

[GinaPagnato]

You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary.

 

Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary!

 

Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much.

 

Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go.

 

IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed.

[Mrs Mungo]

Few couples make it that many years without heartache of one kind or another. Have you talked to your hubby about what you DO want? When we had some issues, I sat my dh down and explained what I needed. He said that he thought things were okay. I told him that I had ZERO want or need for an okay marriage. I wanted amazing or nothing. We made a series of decisions to make things better for us. They probably were not the same decisions that another couple would need to make. But, moping around in my PJs or going somewhere by myself where I had more time to think about it on my own? Those things would have been a bad idea for *me*. I needed to do things with dh and put us in a better place with each other. We are now happier than ever.

[Spryte]

You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary.

 

Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary!

 

Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much.

 

Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go.

 

IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed.

 

Well said.

 

I think you might consider giving yourself permission to feel sad for a set period of time - an hour, whatever feels appropriate, then hop in the shower, wash it off, make yourself beautiful, and go be with your DH.

 

You are making it through this! That is a feat.

 

Oh! And since you have kids at home, if this helps... We always celebrate our wedding anniversary as "familyversary." We started because I didn't just marry my DH, I also committed to his kiddo. So our wedding anniversary is the day we became a family. I know that's not the norm in marriages without step kids, but maybe in this case, "familyversary" might take some of the pressure off of the romance aspect, and put the focus on the family that you've created together?

[Susan C.]

Wounds are fresh, you probably will be sad. I wouldn't take the day to hash it out and make it worse. Go to a movie together (or something you both enjoy), something where you can be together but don't have to talk the whole time. It will probably be good to get through the day without fussing, but not expecting a lot either. I wouldn't make the whole day "anniversary celebration" but pick an evening activity together and call it.

[Karis]

be honest about how you feel and tell him basically he's going to need to "step it up."

 

the whole flower thing now seems "played" and he will need to come up with some new ideas about how he can restore and demonstrate the specialness of what the day is meant to symbolize.

 

Be kind (to him), Pamper yourself, and buy your own flowers.

 

Watch a movie that makes YOU laugh hysterically and try to enjoy yourself.

 

two years is still "raw"

and you still need time - so take it.

 

out of respect - he should be expected (which means you may need to tell him) to honor your feelings and adjust.

 

the two of you will need to create a "new thing."

 

this may be the year to really "deal" sometimes we say "I am sorry or I forgive" and think that's it. It's not.

 

it's not just about you making YOU happy for a couple days or "coping."

 

 

Allow him to make a concerted effort to win your heart... again.

 

don't cheat yourself.

 

If you are stuck, you're stuck. Is he "stuck" too or is there the expectation for YOU to get unstuck (make progress/ move beyond?)

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

If you are stuck, you're stuck. Is he "stuck" too or is there the expectation for YOU to get unstuck (make progress/ move beyond?)

I have only known for 2 1/2 months. I feel stuck, but in reality, things are getting better (except for the many moments when I remember, kwim?).

 

We are making progress, it just won't feel like it today or for the next couple of days, I think.

[KnitWit]

Oh wow. 2.5 months. Yes, fresh. :grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I am sorry:grouphug:

 

I will say that I am in the "its okay to be sad" camp. I know the timing stinks, and that things are hard on you right now, but hopefully you can do something fun, not necessarily romantic to make the day special. Sometimes people need to know that the consequences of actions are far reaching. I would make an effort to laugh and enjoy the day, but I would not waste any more time feeling like you should feel differently.

[nandmsmom]

I've gone through (am going through) a similar situation. It sounds like things may have been a bit more serious in your situation, but I can tell you what works for me. In our case, the reason he starting talking to someone, was that we had lost that closeness that makes a relationship work. It has taken lots of work, but we're now stronger than before.

 

When I'm feeling like we lost something and all I want to do is cry, I find that if I go to him and rekindle that spark, it makes me feel better. Instead of getting angry, or avoiding him, I need to get closer to him and remember what it is we're fighting for. To remember why I want to fight in the first place. That closeness, that connection is so healing for me. I hope that you are able to find what works for you in order to get past the hurt.

 

:grouphug:

[Karis]

Try not to have unrealistic expectations of how this whole process is supposed to be.

 

Basically it just happened like "yesterday"

 

and every hurtful memory needs a new good one. and that takes TIME.

 

The good "old" ones have been overshadowed.

 

Don't gloss over or try to avoid natural and logical consequences of a poor decision just so things can feel "better."

 

not for his sake or your own desire to be happy.

[Susan in TN]

There is no reason to celebrate as you always have because things are *not* as they always have been. You will be sad. You will grieve. You may feel sad every day for a year. Or two.

 

Keep looking forward to the time when you'll be able to feel like celebrating again. It will come someday, but you don't need to have any special celebrations tomorrow or expect yourself to feel as you have in the past.

 

Have faith that your relationship is being/will be restored and share that with your dh.

[Sahamamama]

I need to pull out of this. It's the wrong time for me to make things harder than they already were. We need to continue forward progress. *I* need to make forward progress.

 

How can I get through the next two days without clinging to sadness and disappointment? I'm looking for really practical ideas, and need to add that teA cannot be the main component. :bigear:

 

Hugs, Julie. The only thought I had while reading this is that you have to be strong in yourself.

 

You have your own strength.

 

You have your own beauty.

 

You have your own integrity.

 

Your life has value and meaning.

 

These things did not shatter.

 

They may appear to be shattered, in the reflection of a damaged relationship, but really, within you, they wholly remain.

 

These things remain.

 

If I had that kind of pain and sadness in my heart because of my husband's actions, there could be no forward progress without an unrestrained pouring out of that pain, sadness, and grief -- with him hanging in there, no defenses, no excuses, no more-important-things-to-do for as long as it would take the wounds to drain.

 

IOW, for me, I wouldn't view sharing with him the damage he had done to my heart as "making things harder." How could things be any harder? Really, what is harder than that level of pain? And if there had been an ongoing betrayal, you better believe I would feel ongoingly betrayed.

 

Are the flowers bittersweet? For me, there wouldn't be any way through it without coming to the place where I could look him in the eye and sincerely say, "I will live my life with strength and honor and dignity, to the best of my ability -- with or without you in it -- and I will be okay. But you, for your part, will never do that to me again."

 

There would be no doubt whatsoever in his mind.

 

And then, having made where I stand crystal clear, I would let that conversation drop and try to let him find his way to my heart again, if he still wanted to find his way there. Can't a fire be rekindled? My husband's been gone over a month (for work). This morning was like getting reacquainted all over again, like a first date -- with three kids, LOL. "Hi, my name's _______. Um, who are you?" It was awkward a bit, surprisingly so, but worth moving forward to be connected again.

 

New mornings, new beginnings. Hugs to you and yours. I do hope your hearts become reconnected.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Sahamamama

[Kari C in SC]

You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary.

 

Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary!

 

Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much.

 

Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go.

 

IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed.

 

:iagree:

 

I have been married for 22 years, with my dh for 25 years. About 14 years ago - we had a super tough time. I mean BAD! I did what is mentioned above. We took trips, we went snorkeling, we went to the bookstore and dreamed of things, we kept on moving and found our way back! Fight and fight harder and remember why you married each other!

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: so very hard. i'm sorry. its just lousy. but this ending is better than the alternative ending, kwim?

 

you asked what you could do. i'm going to talk about me, and let you "overhear" things, and maybe something will be helpful.

 

when i feel least like being lovely, when i feel hard done by, that is when i give myself a stern talking to and choose who I am, not who he is.

 

i am a loving wife. so as a loving wife, i do something first thing in the morning for him. i leave a little surprise by the coffee maker, because he usually gets up first and makes coffee. sometimes its just new coffee beans, sometimes its something sweet or ??? or the night before i set the breadmaker with one of his favourites, so we wake up in the morning to the smell of cinnamon raisin bread. i have been known to set up a "breakfast in bed" tray for him the night before, and leave a note by the coffee pot that if i didn't wake up before him, he should come back to bed and wake me up and i'll bring him breakfast in bed.

 

doing something simple and thoughtful (but not overly romantic) first thing helps set the tone for the day for me, and for him.

 

when things are truly desperate, i look back thru photo albums of times that were really good, and suggest we do one of the activities we have historically loved doing. simple things, like playing croquet with the kids, or mini golfing, or .... when i'm really upset/angry/disappointed, i find outdoor things easier than indoor things.

 

then for dinner, i choose something we both like, but don't do very often. usually, that's fondue of some kind.... meat or cheese or ..... i set the table nicely, put a nice bottle of wine in the fridge to chill, and make a fun and fabulous dinner. i put on music, i dress up, we eat, and have chocolate fondue for dessert. i love fondue. he loves fondue. it feels special.

 

and i wear a hair elastic on my wrist and snap it whenever my thoughts stray to how i have been wronged.

 

it doesn't take long to train myself to stop replaying the old tape. i do this because the old tape just makes me miserable. (the "how could he" tape is one of my least helpful). i chose to tape over it something else in my mind, so i work on that on my heart to. another thing that helps is letting go of the "shoulds".... deciding i am doing this because i am a loving wife means i'm not focusing on what he should/could/might do for me, but am focusing on what i can do for him, and for us.

 

does it always work completely? no. does it help? for me, yes, it helps hugely. and it is way better than feeling miserable.

 

things like writing a list of the things i loved about him the day we got married helps.

 

and we have a really good marriage. if you're married long enough, there are moments.... or months.... that are just Very Very Hard.

 

the future is there for each one of us, but we must let go of the past to reach for the future.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[elfgivas]

or you could do something completely different. you could wrap up a kite as his anniversary present. you could prepare a picnic lunch, and could all "go fly a kite" together. the scene in mary poppins is when they are all reconnecting as a family.

 

picnic blanket, kite, kids, good food, a new anniversary tradition.... celebrating what is, and what is to come, not what has been.....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Katy]

I haven't been through this situation, so take this for what it's worth, but:

 

Dr Phil says you need to be honest, and he needs to take it, and you're never going to get over it until you're sure he knows how bad he's hurt you. And he's not going to know until you're honest about this. The flowers have to go, and he's got to step it up. What could he do that would make you feel loved right now? What do you need right now?

 

Forgiveness isn't about forgetting what happened, it's about letting go of the idea that the past should have been different than it is. You haven't yet explored all of the ways you've been violated yet, so you have every right to be hurt.

 

Also, if you're religious, pray. Pray 1 Cor 13 especially. Just pray. It takes some time, but prayer has a way of softening you, and humbling the person you're praying about too.

[Karis]

If you act like things are ok when they are not - it's a lie. Maintain your integrity.

 

the "fake it 'til you make it" will come later. (when the healing REALLY starts)

 

smile

[LizzyBee]

Having been through something similar, I think you need to give yourself permission to be sad. This anniversary isn't like your past ones, because you've lost something that you had before. Two and half months is no time at all for you to process, grieve, and recover from what's happened. Being sad is not a step backward; it's part of the process. If you need some time alone, take it. If you need time with dh to be sad and cry and pray together, do that. If you try to put on a happy face when that's not how you feel, it doesn't help the process move forward; it puts a band-aid on a large, gaping wound.

 

Accept this anniversary for what it is, and let's pray that your 25th will be the best one yet. :grouphug:

[Trez]

Also btdt to smaller extent. It was a few years ago but I know we both (dh and I) have sad moments when we think back. His are not only for disappointing me but also for being someone he thought he never would and mine for the betrayal. It does get better but it takes time. I do sometimes need to remind myself that in the end he chose to confide in me and stay with me breaking off all communication to the other person. It is definitely a very complicated thing to work through.

[Luckymama]

No advice just :grouphug:

[whitestavern]

:grouphug:

 

I have not read through the entire thread, so maybe this was suggested, but dh and I try to go through our wedding "things" on our anniversary. Not every year, but usually the biggies (5, 10, 15). For us that includes books that were on each table at our wedding where we invited people to write something for the newlyweds, as well as our wedding photo album. We usually look at a few of the early photo albums after our marriage, including the birth of our dc. For us it takes us back to those early moments, the excitement, happiness, attraction, thrill of parenthood, etc.

[nono]

I have only known for 2 1/2 months. I feel stuck, but in reality, things are getting better (except for the many moments when I remember, kwim?).

 

 

 

Of course you still remember. :grouphug:

 

What I would do is order another set of flowers. Bigger and more lavish. And then, when they came, I'd turn to dh and say, "Given the water under the bridge, THIS, THIS is what you need to send, you dork. Not the same old, same old!!!" Now, given my dh's personality, he needs it right between the eyes, but also has a great sense of humor about our failings as a couple, and he would roar with laughter. Is there anything you could do to needle him a bit, while still being funny about it?

 

We've weathered some wickedly trying times due to being able to get our point across while making the other one laugh. Maybe something to consider...

[kengjw]

I have recently been thru this with a close friend and also found out that another good friend of mine is going thru the same thing. I have been thinking to myself...how on earth would anyone heal from that...without going back to the "hurt" time and time again. I honestly felt their hurts, fears, disappointment and anger. When I read your post, I felt a heavyness in me. I know it must be soooo hard. {{{hugs}}}

 

Take your time to do whatever you need to do to feel better. For me, it means to cry, cry, cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. Scream, shout, curse etc...don't hold back. Be honest with your feelings and confront them however long you need. As a Christ follower, I have found no one but my Father in heaven that I can run to every time, day and night. There is no need to censor my feelings, words, emotions, I just let them all out on Him. I unload all my burdens, hurts etc to Him, again and again. If you feel that your husband is a comfortable place to do all those things with, please do so, if not....do it with a close friend. Not sure if you are seeing a counselor but that has helped my friend so much.

 

Healing is a slow process especially a deep wound. Something very special you shared with your dh is lost. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to grieve, it's okay to feel sad. It's all okay. Take tiny steps...don't rush it.

 

I will keep you and your dh in my prayers. :grouphug:

 

Julia

[Mommyfaithe]

I don't have any ideas...but couldn't read this without giving you a :grouphug: and wishing you the best.

 

Diane

 

:grouphug::grouphug: from me too.

Maybe , just be honest...and tell him you are hurt still, but working through it. Maybe go for a nice long walk somewhere pleasant and focus on each other instead of the " day".

 

Maybe do something nice just for him because you want to.....and somehow, when we do something for someone else we feel better.

[NorthwestMom]

Having been through something similar, I think you need to give yourself permission to be sad. This anniversary isn't like your past ones, because you've lost something that you had before. Two and half months is no time at all for you to process, grieve, and recover from what's happened. Being sad is not a step backward; it's part of the process. If you need some time alone, take it. If you need time with dh to be sad and cry and pray together, do that. If you try to put on a happy face when that's not how you feel, it doesn't help the process move forward; it puts a band-aid on a large, gaping wound.

 

Accept this anniversary for what it is, and let's pray that your 25th will be the best one yet. :grouphug:

 

 

Agreed. We have been through the same thing and the last 2 anniversaries have been ROUGH.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

Put the flowers into a vase and set them aside. Then talk to him about making new traditions because the old ones are somewhat tainted now.

 

He really needs to understand that he has to work hard, like Kathy Lee Gifford's husband said after his affair "I will work the rest of my life to prove to my wife that I am the man she thought I was."

 

It will take time. There is probably no way around it. Processing and grieving what you thought you had and perhaps now feel you lost, needs to happen. Possibly for both of you. His actions lost him your trust and while this was his doing it is still a loss.

 

I hope you are in good counseling from where this marriage can emerge stronger than it was before.

[Melinda in VT]

Since things are rough now, would it help to dream wildly? I'm thinking of going to a bookstore and planning out a year-long trip around the world. Or pretending you could live anywhere you wanted--where would that be?

 

That will give you something fun to talk about and reinforce the idea that you *will* get through this together and be in a good place.

 

Then, next week, you can go back to the slow process of healing and getting to where you want to be.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[*********]

Julie, I have no advice.

 

Just wanted you to know I continue to lift you up in prayer.

 

:grouphug:

[LaxMom]

As someone who has been in that place and is, in fact, coming up on the third anniversary of the discovery, I can tell you what I've done:

 

Feel it. Know that it's a memory of a past hurt, let it come. Tell your husband that you're in this place, that you understand it's not a mark of where your relationship is now, but it's how you feel at this milestone and he will have to understand and give you some leeway while you process.

 

Communication has been the key for us. Without that, my husband would react and be defensive and annoyed that I was "randomly" dredging up the past that we've pretty solidly moved past during the rest of the year. Now, he understands that I'm not so much dredging, but the milestone (in our case, election day) triggers those memories and feelings.

 

And if you want to talk, and feel comfortable, PM me. :grouphug:

[black_midori]

I would tell him what you just told us, for starters.

 

Then, together, come up with a NEW anniversary "standard", celebrating a new progression forward in marriage. Flowers is the old, painful marriage - what is the NEW, moving forward marriage? Dinner at a special restaurant that you do every year? (That's mine, btw! We do a specific Indian rest. every year since we moved to this new area 4 years ago) A box of chocolates? A couples massage?

 

Think of something that you wish you had done some anniversary long ago and make THAT your "thing". Always wanted to go on a romantic getaway for a couple days on that special day? Set it up!

 

Allow yourself some sadness. The innocent, trusting part of your marriage is over and that can't be forgotten - but that doesn't mean the marriage itself is over. You are communicating, together, and working on it - THAT is what can be celebrated.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't know how you do it. I think you're justified in your anger.

 

Make new traditions. No more flowers. He ruined that one, he'll have to figure something else out. Really make a conscious break from what USED to be your traditions. :group hug:

 

You, do something for yourself that will help you through it. Go knit with friends, go to a spa, go do something that will work you through that day and set it as your OWN new tradition.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug:

 

My trick is to mentally fondle everything I DO have. And then I think of all those who don't have what I have. Perhaps this is easier for me because I work with psychotics all day, but even before I did, when I was in training, I'd cut through the Rose Kennedy Center (for disabled children) on the way out the door and see tired, poor mothers with a profoundly retarded child strapped in a wheelchair, and all my problems seemed very, very small.

[ThisIsTheDay]

You said that tomorrow is supposed to be your 24th anniversary.

 

Girlfriend, tomorrow IS your 24th anniversary!

 

Few married couples make it that long without experiencing some serious trials along the way. The truth is, you guys are getting through this storm and you WILL emerge victorious. Maybe with a few battle scars, but we all know if it's not worth fighting for, it's not worth much.

 

Don't let this temptation/dalliance suck your joy, your peace, your love, your future more than it already has. Your husband loves you, obviously, and you love him. Let it go.

 

IMO, I wouldn't retreat and take a bath or buy something for myself if I were you. That seems to separate/individualized and doesn't do justice to the fact that you are together and this IS your anniversary. You need to embrace that husband of yours and let him know that you are here, that you're not going anywhere, and that you're looking toward the future with joyful anticipation. You've got some kids still at home, so do it for them, as well as for yourself and dh. Fists up, and fight with all your heart for your marriage, which means that you just need to put this one to bed.

 

:iagree: I'd be focusing perhaps on our kids and what we can do as a family, or on the years ahead, rather than the recent and painful past.

 

(((Julie)))

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:Julie:grouphug:

[6packofun]

I'm sorry. I don't have any quick fixes and everyone is different. I found this short article to be very accurate about how things felt...like we were on 2 different timelines and he was moving forward faster than me, especially now that he "got it off his chest", knew I was going to work on forgiveness, and then I had to start the process of healing! I felt he needed to DO more, but I couldn't say what, kwim?

 

Anyhow, still working on it. *sigh*

 

Article: http://www.bradhambrick.com/two-time-tables

[Catherine]

Just talking. When I have these kinds of conversations with dh, it is not really helpful when I talk about my feelings. He doesn't "get" it. And he's a psychiatrist LOL. I talk about what I NEED. That usually involves some emotional breakdown on my part, but if it's ONLY about how I feel, we can't seem to make any progress.

 

As far as letting go, it is *really* hard. Just don't allow yourself to wallow. Even though that might be easy. or feel good (temporarily), for me at least, it only makes me feel worse when it's over. There's no relief. I even read stories or remember stories about the act I want to do, like forgiveness or self-sacrifice. Sounds silly, but I find it easier to identify with people who've forgiven, than with the idea of forgiveness. Did you read Unbroken? There is a huge (religious) forgiveness epiphany that I'm mentally saving for the next time I'll need to call up those feelings.

[Slartibartfast]

I think that doing things by yourself may result in excessive moping or navel gazing. I would want him to take me somewhere fun.

 

What did you do on your first date?

[SunnyDays]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: A very dear friend of mine went through this a couple years ago.

 

Of course it's fresh... you *just* found out a couple months ago. You simply cannot, this year, expect everything to fall into place, and neither can your DH.

 

Tell him what you need, just as others have said. Tell him that if he ever brings you flowers again, it'd better be something unique and spectacular. Maybe choose a "signature" flower for yourself (something different than what he's done in the past) and tell him only those are allowed from now on. I like the idea of recreating an early date or just having a family day.

 

As for the "other" day... If you can find time to be with a friend or do something just for yourself, do it. Don't shut your DH completely out, but make it a day just about rebuilding your strength.

 

Things won't be as they've always been, but with hard work, they can be as good or better. Know that we're all thinking of you.

[elegantlion]

I don't know, but :grouphug::grouphug:

[Cammie]

:grouphug::grouphug: 2.5 months is really soon. Maybe this year like a pp said, you should make this anniversary less about you two and more about the family. Have a family celebrations, a family day out.:auto: Make this time about what you two have created together, have accomplished together. For me it would be WAY too soon for romantic gestures (they would feel so empty). You need time to cope and heal...must more time.

:grouphug:

[4Hisglory]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think you are amazing, really truly amazing. You are reaching out, being vulnerable and willing to move forward. I wish that I could give you a real hug. I agree with others who have said this year is going to be different, no pretending, ouch. New traditions sounds like a perfect place to start next year. Maybe some brainstorming later about what those could be but right now it might taint next year, so I would wait until you're farther out from this anniversary. Writing down or mentally keeping a thankful list might lift your heart but I am by no means saying don't acknowledge the hurt, it will take time, time, time.

 

You are BEAUTIFUL

 

You are LOVED

Edited July 29, 2012 by 4Hisglory