is your DH from the same socioeconomic background as you?

[butterflymommy]

Is your DH from the same socioeconomic background as you? Did he "marry up" or "marry down?" (I hate those terms but am using them for efficiency.) If you are from different backgrounds, is it a non issue or has it caused problems between the two of you?

 

This is mainly a curiosity thread, as DH and I are close to coming at loggerheads over this in a roundabout way (the details of which would be a thread unto itself).

 

My DH grew up very poor-- urban poor-- he was in a tenement for a while and then the projects. When we got married we did manage to own a home within a few years with a loan from my parents, but it was in a very depressed neighborhood. We paid back my parents long ago and have since managed to move to better area with our own resources (no loan from my parents).

 

I grew up solidly middle class, attended private school, expensive college (I was clueless then but I cringe, now, reflecting on the pricetag).

 

I never gave much thought to the differences in our backgrounds, but as we become more financially stable, DH is starting to note our "differences" with greater frequency, saying stuff like, "Oh, this is how YOU grew up," or "What would I know about {insert middle class trapping here}, I grew up in the projects." Or talking about how "horrified" my parents must have been when they met him (to be honest, they were :rolleyes:, but why bring it up?).

 

I also am watching him be dazzled by certain aspects of more affluent living-- while I just see a lot of rich people acting fake and I have no interest.

 

Just curious if anyone can relate :):bigear:

[Lily_Grace]

Dh and I grew up the same economically, but opposite ends in everything else. Comparing our childhoods has been like apples to oranges - even right down to how we approach resources in our home. I grew up with a waste-not/want-not principle, he grew up with "use it now before someone else does!/If it's still there nobody wants that!" :lol: I guess that illustrates the number of children in our respective families. We have butt heads many times over the years with our differences and trying to integrate them into our family.

 

We are better off now than either of our families were and both feel grateful to be in that position, but at the same time we have the modern-day equivalent of the income our parents had. Funny - I don't see us ever going much above but the ability to be content and not feel "poor" makes all the difference to us.

[Crimson Wife]

I grew up upper-middle-class while DH grew up lower-middle-class. My parents both attended elite colleges and grad school (though my mom did not finish her master's thesis because she got married and had me). My dad worked as an executive while my mom stayed home until my youngest brother was in elementary school, then she worked very part-time (about 10 hrs/week). I grew up in an affluent suburb, though my parents believed in having a modest lifestyle (no McMansion, designer clothes, luxury cars, exotic trips, etc.) Almost every family I knew growing up were upper-middle-class or affluent with the parents highly educated white collar professionals like my folks. 95% of the students at my high school went on to attend college, most 4 year schools and about 1/3 of the class elite ones. The expectation was that if a student was on the honors track, he/she would attend a "brand name" college.

 

My IL's both attended no-name colleges and became teachers. They live in a neighborhood where most folks are blue collar tradesmen or low level civil servants. Only about half the students at DH's high school went on to attend college, and most opted for the local state school. Only a handful attended an elite college, and the majority of those went to the service academies.

 

To use Charles Murray's terms from his new book Coming Apart, I grew up in "Belmont", and while DH didn't quite grow up in "Fishtown" it was maybe one rung up the ladder.

 

I wouldn't characterize our situation exactly as DH "marrying up" because he now is solidly upper-middle-class too. We met as students at an elite college (which he attended on scholarship) and he went on to receive a graduate degree from the same Ivy that my dad attended undergrad. He works as an executive and while the suburb we live in now isn't quite as affluent as the one in which I grew up, it's still upper-middle-class.

 

Our different socioeconomic backgrounds do cause some amount of friction between us. Just yesterday we had a disagreement that stemmed in part from this. It had to do with something oldest DD did that I considered disrespectful but DH didn't.

[nellecv]

My husband grew up in a working class family, while my family was much better off. Neither of us work in high paying fields, so money is always really tight and we tend to argue over what's "necessary" for our daughter. I grew up with museum trips, summer camps, money for book orders, and plenty of "just because" surprises. Its hard to give you child less than you had growing up because you feel so mean! My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see an issue feels no guilt. After all, he never experienced having any of those things.

[LucyStoner]

No.

 

I grew up poor. Not working class or lower middle class. It varied somewhat but my childhood was marked by poverty. We were homeless at times, and food was never taken for granted. My mother came from a rural poor roots but her felon/criminal mom who "plied her trade" in big, urban cities all over the country. My dad comes from a big Irish Catholic middle class suburban family. I am the first person on my mother's side of the family to graduate from high school or college.

 

My husband is the son of a doctor (who came from some family money in the midwest) and a nurse (who had a solid blue collar middle class childhood in a small town.)

 

We had serious cross class communication issues early in our marriage. Came to big fights over class based issues. But it is all settled.

 

We are well above my family's income. Middle class homeowners in a nice livable city. We have lived in this house for 5 years which is about 5 times as long as I lived anywhere as a child. I seriously still don't quite believe this is my house and it has taken me years to let go of that sense that I better not get too settled in because we will just have to move. But we do not have, or seek to have, the type of income, assets and vacations my husband grew up with. That said, we understand that our lives have been made easier by the (small yet significant) inheritance we received when my FIL died. When my mom died, I inherited her collection of political buttons. Different families, different backgrounds.

 

Marrying my husband made me realize that people with money were not always happy and have problems just like poor people. This really escaped me growing up. I mean I knew everyone made mistakes and had troubles, but I assumed that money would mean less stress. While I grew up poor, I came from a loving family with strong values and religious education. My husband, while he never wanted for anything material, grew up the abused son of a raging alcoholic and in a family that did very little in the way of teaching good values.

Edited May 16, 2012 by kijipt

[Cassy]

My DH married 'down'. It has only caused problems insofar as he has more expensive tastes, especially in terms of the house we live in and how it's furnished. I resent these things more now than I did at first. I hate antique furniture. A huge part of our income is spent on a house that I feel is too big and which he needs to make a 'statement'. Having said that, we are comfortably off, so it's not as though I'm having to make sacrifices in order to live the way we do, and he would pay for a cleaner if I wanted one (which I don't). A more difficult issue has been the fact that I find his family very cold and formal. I was an only child, and both my parents have now passed away; I would have loved to have a warm, loving relationship with my in-laws, but I really believe that they just don't have it in them. Overall, however, we are very happy - any relationship involves compromises. I put up with living a lifestyle I'm not entirely comfortable with, he puts up with me not being quite the stylish, sophisticated middle-class wife he might have had. We love each other, and our family, dearly.

 

Cassy

Edited May 16, 2012 by Cassy

[Merry]

It's been frustrating at times indeed. My dh grew up in rural Midwest on a farm where no one went to college. I grew up on both of the coasts where practically everyone went to an elite college. My childhood was filled with classical/folk music, classical literature, news magazines, and so on. His family reads mostly Louis L'Amour westerns, True Story and Enquirer magazines, country music, etc. They are what you would call the typical rednecks with the typical gun on a rack in pick up trucks, overalls, caps, etc. and were drafted to Korean and Vietnam wars. They are barely above the hillbillies. My family were the hippies and entitled to opt out of the draft.

 

My dh, after twenty plus years, understands the point of excellent curricula, though it may be costly, for the kids. He now appreciates a well appointed dinner table. But he still says "you was". My house is filled with Lazyboy recliners, ceramic monkeys, and jelly bottles used for drinking which shows I've pretty much given up on trying to establish my decorating style. The struggle is wearing me down. My family was appalled when they first met him to say the least.

 

But I would much rather be with him than my family. He, as a person, is a gentleman at heart. Always thoughtful, sensitive to nuances of relationships between other people,

very intelligent, and selfless. He's the one who knows what to say on sympathy cards and appreciates the beauty of nature. He and my family now get along well.

[Carrie12345]

Dh and I grew up very differently. He lived in an infamously wealthy town, I grew up in a town with a wide economic range (shack-like houses to lakefront homes.) He went to private school, I went to public. He traveled by plane to hotels, I camped in-state. He had the coolest clothes, I often had hand me downs from family friends.

 

BUT, it appears his parents operated on credit while mine operated on cash. His are now financially ruined, mine are doing pretty well.

 

The difference was a pretty big problem in the beginning of our marriage. We still have some debt to pay off. These days, dh sees much more value in how I was raised!

[jennynd]

similar, though different country

I grow up in Taiwan, Dad is a teacher which in Taiwan is well respected job even though it doesn't get paid much. Mom is SAHM

DH grows up in New Hampshire and MIL teaches Art in a local college (She was SAHM when Dh was young) and Dad is construction worker.

So, I will say similar

Edited May 16, 2012 by jennynd

[Lisbeth]

Interesting question. My parents were white collar, dh's blue collar. As a child we were pretty poor, even though dad has a serious career. My parents are now wealthy. They don't believe in flashy display. The drive nice, but practical cars. When they need a new one, the go in and pay in full at that time. They have a nice house in a good neighborhood, long ago paid off. They have quality things, but not showy.

DH's parents are flashier. They always leased new flashy cars every year, constantly moved, had every new gadget. They aren't readers, or pro-education particularly. His mom, at 65, is still very pop-culture. His parents aren't savers. They are probably lower middle class.

[Onceuponatime]

I grew up lower middle class, dh was poor. However, he was rich in family, friends, and community. I wasn't. My father was an enlisted man in the Navy. The differences haven't been much of an issue. We are both very frugally minded.

[The Girls' Mom]

Financially, there really wasn't a huge difference. But everything else was as different as could be. He grew up with his actual parents still married, his mom was a Christian SAHM. His dad is super smart, and kind of old-fashioned. He had a loving, stable extended family as well.

 

I grew up in a blended family, with both parents working odd shifts. I spent a lot of time fending for myself. My mom had mental health problems, and my extended family is pretty rough. I had exposure to a lot of things as a child that I shouldn't have.

 

Sometimes it seems like we grew up on different planets.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Dh and I come from a similar, working class, blue collar background.

We are no strangers to hard work and Yankee thrift.

My Mom and Dad were from very different backgrounds, he totally "married up".

After marrying my Dad, they lived on their own incomes with "treats" from my grandparents once in awhile. It was a radical lifestyle change for my Mom who went from 2 homes and a maid to a house and twins pretty quickly.

But, they just celebrated their 50th anniversary so I guess they managed to deal. :)

[Kathryn]

My family of origin is white collar/professional and good at managing the money they do have. His family of origin is blue collar/minimum wageish and absolutely horrid at money management. This has been a huge issue in our marriage.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Dh and I had similar socio-economic backgrounds. We both had college educated parents with white collar jobs, and lived in well-to-do suburbs. But we experienced vastly different parenting styles. Dh was, in his mother's own words, "raised by the help". MIL was very hands off and distant with her children, and FIL was a drinker, gambler and womanizer and almost never home. My mother loved babies and kept having more and more of them, and micromanaged many parts of our lives. My parents separated several times during my childhood, so I was not close to my father at all.

 

This different parenting style has caused the most problems in our married life. His mother didn't believe that children should have stuffed animals, security blankets, pacifiers- pretty much any type of comfort aid. DH believes this, too. I call that complete BS and let my kids have whatever comfort thing they want. DH is of the "children should be seen and not heard" mindset, while I am of the "I'd rather have the children babbling Star Wars nonsense at me than have to listen to your mother talk about the sale at Macy's" mindset.

 

We also have different religious backgrounds. DH is a secular Jew, I'm a secular Christian. We both still have family members who are very observant of their religions, so this sometimes causes issues. But, not nearly as often as the whole parenting style problem.

[Mama Geek]

Dh's family has more money than mine. They worked for it and saved and purchased property. My parents divorced when I was in middle school and neither were very good with money. We always had a place to live and food and clothing with an occasional treat though. After 16 years of marriage I have learned a lot from dh about money. There are times that I am more of a tightwad than he is now. I don't have the attitude well that is how you grew up though. We have both worked our way through college and I worked for 10 years after that. We are doing pretty well.

[catz]

My family was upper middle class. His was probably mid to lower middle class. But in some ways his parents did a better job parenting than mine. Both of us were older and financially very comfortable and independent when we married. The financial thing has never been a huge deal. He grumbles about money and is little more financially conservative than me. Both our families re self made. My parents were poor when I was born, but my dad was a talented entrepreneur.

[Meriwether]

Dh and I both grew up cash poor. We had some different ideas about money, but nothing huge. When we first got married, he thought you could afford a car if you could make the payments. I thought you could afford a car when you paid cash for it.

[Renee in NC]

I grew up with a blue collarish father who came from a white collar family. Grandparents were college educated. My dad never went to college, while most of his siblings have advanced degrees from top tier colleges. We were always very feast or famine, and my life was extremely chaotic (to say the least.)

 

Dh grew up with white collar parents who came from blue collar families (grandfather on one side machinist, other side was a farmer.) Both had Masters degrees; MIL was a teacher, FIL works in business. They were/are very good with money, and dh lived a stable economic and home life.

 

As adults, I am definitely white collar, while he is solidly blue collar! I now have a Masters degree, he has some college classes (and only because I insisted.) It has caused problems in our marriage because we have very different goals. My dc (that are old enough) mostly have blue collar aspirations. I am wondering if that will change when I get a job, since our income will jump from blue collar to upper middle class, and we have moved to a more upper middle class area.

[DawnM]

My family was white collar, Dh's family was blue collar.

 

It hasn't effected us much though as we both now are white collar, both have MAs, and we both are on the same page with our finances (we teach Crown at church as well!)

 

The only thing that irritates me is the grammar the man grew up with. It still sometimes comes out of his mouth and makes me cringe. Phrases like, "Me and Him, we did XXX." or "I should have went......"

 

He is MUCH better than when I met him and when we go visit his relatives and the area where he grew up, I don't see how anyone can come out of that place without some pretty poor grammar skills. :glare:

[butterflymommy]

Our different socioeconomic backgrounds do cause some amount of friction between us. Just yesterday we had a disagreement that stemmed in part from this. It had to do with something oldest DD did that I considered disrespectful but DH didn't.

 

This is so interesting. Come to think of it, the one thing DH and I did disagree about from the get go was the number of children we should have. He didn't want to have lots of kids because that's what "poor ethnic" people do :smash: (he was referring to his own ethnicity). While I just wanted to have babies!!

[butterflymommy]

My husband grew up in a working class family, while my family was much better off. Neither of us work in high paying fields, so money is always really tight and we tend to argue over what's "necessary" for our daughter. I grew up with museum trips, summer camps, money for book orders, and plenty of "just because" surprises. Its hard to give you child less than you had growing up because you feel so mean! My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see an issue feels no guilt. After all, he never experienced having any of those things.

 

I also feel a lot of guilt for not having the kids in every lesson under the sun. I still cringe when I see advertisements for music, art, drama lessons and dance schools. Even though we're doing better financially these days, we have so many kids it would break the bank to give them all lessons.

[justamouse]

I was raised upper middle class (from about 10 on), he came from lower middle. It doesn't seem like much of a difference, but it absolutely has been in education. I was raised with a wide circle of affluent family friends, which gave me exposure to the upper class that was well educated, well read, and world travelers. My family (and grandparents) gave me all kinds of lessons-art, dance, piano. His family wouldn't know a book if it fell on their heads and there were no extra classes-even though he went to a fantastic high school.

 

We are both very driven, so that makes up for any differences.

 

BUT I tell my daughter that the apple never falls far from the tree. Even though we break from the way we were raised, those subliminal messages are still rooted in our DNA. In many things we can't help but be our parents, and though her boyfriend may not like his family and do as much as he can to make a different life for himself, his default will be the way he was raised. I tell her he has to get doused with holy water before they get married because that family is saturated in the malocchio (evil eye). Nothing ever goes right for them (their own decisions) even when they have a stroke of fabulous luck, they mess it up.

 

She, of course, refuses to believe me. Ahhh youth.

Edited May 16, 2012 by justamouse

[justamouse]

I also feel a lot of guilt for not having the kids in every lesson under the sun. I still cringe when I see advertisements for music, art, drama lessons and dance schools. Even though we're doing better financially these days, we have so many kids it would break the bank to give them all lessons.

:grouphug: We can't give our kids tons of lessons, now, either. It would be a mortgage payment for all of them to take classes.

[Greenmama2]

Financially, there really wasn't a huge difference. But everything else was as different as could be.

 

Snip

 

Sometimes it seems like we grew up on different planets.

 

similar here. Financially our families probably weren't that different. We both had destitute periods and periods of wealth. However DH's parents stayed together until he was in his late teens and mine divorced when I was two. When his parents' fortunes changed for the better they bought a bigger house and built another floor on it, when mine improved they sent me to expensive private schools (including a year at boarding school). He grew up with siblings, a stable home that they actually owned and a substandard (terrible district) public education. I grew up an only child with a busy working mother, renting houses in increasingly nice neighbourhoods. I moved in with my father when I was 15 and he and my step-mother often left me at home with grocery money & emergency numbers for a week or more. I had many, many educational advantages (including going straight from school to university whereas he started tertiary study in his 30s) and I knew how to fend for myself but I had no idea about living in a family and very little about maintaining relationships. Yes, those last things have caused some problems in the past. After 12 years we've worked a lot out :)

[*********]

Dh grew up middle class, I grew up lower class. He definitely married 'down', lol, but not by a lot, if that makes sense. :tongue_smilie:

 

Now, his parents have a LOT more money than mine. But they're still both working class families.

 

Even so, it's never mattered to dh or I at all. Well, except for our wedding. It caused some issues there, since dh's mother wanted to contribute to the cost, but she was, uh, let's say 'not pleased' with the fact that my parents couldn't/wouldn't contribute anything at all.

 

Other than that, it's never caused any problems.

[Heather in Neverland]

We grew up in similar economic situations, solid middle class, BUT he is from a "Yankee" family and my family is from Alabama. :D. So, yeah, there are some BIG differences in how we see the world. :tongue_smilie:

[Desert Strawberry]

I married slightly down. I grew up as a sophisiticated city girl with college educated parents. My husband is a small town boy from a working class family. He is the first in his family a finish college, his sisters are the first girls in the family to finish highschool.

 

It isn't a problem for us. He aspires to a better life, and has attained an education and career. I left my life because I wanted a slower, simpler life for myself and my family. I'm very happy here. He's a bit disappointed in our standard of living. This economy has been rough on us, like everyone else. He would like to provide more and better.

 

My daddy thinks I'm insane. But he has to acknowledge that this is exactly what I always wanted. I grew up on Little House on the Pairie. I'm living the dream.

 

My ILs are intimidated by me. Which is incredibly handy. It's nice to be in the postition of power in this relationship. They are pretty provincial. We do a lot of things that are out of the ordinary. They don't question my judgement. When we announced we were going to homeschool, GMIL said, "If anyone can do it, it's you." <3 MIL is a biotch, but she knows to keep her trap shut around me. I don't suffer any fools, and neither will my kids.

[leeannpal]

My husband grew up in a working class family, while my family was much better off. Neither of us work in high paying fields, so money is always really tight and we tend to argue over what's "necessary" for our daughter. I grew up with museum trips, summer camps, money for book orders, and plenty of "just because" surprises. Its hard to give you child less than you had growing up because you feel so mean! My husband, on the other hand, doesn't see an issue feels no guilt. After all, he never experienced having any of those things.

 

This sounds just like my family. We do have issues over spending related to our upbringing.

[leeannpal]

We grew up in similar economic situations, solid middle class, BUT he is from a "Yankee" family and my family is from Alabama. :D. So, yeah, there are some BIG differences in how we see the world. :tongue_smilie:

:lol: We are a New York (hubby) and Alabama (me) family too. What is funny is that it affects the way my daughter says things. Lately, she has taken to saying "y'all guys" to everyone.:tongue_smilie:

[....]

. 

 

[stripe]

Somewhat similar relatively, but we're from different cultures, so what these mean in actual terms is interesting. We have a similar outlook on economic issues.

[elise1mds]

We're from different economic backgrounds and grew up in different countries (though Australia and the USA aren't too different, really). I grew up lower middle class; DH grew up poor. His family moved often because they simply couldn't manage their money well enough to pay rent, where my parents skimped and saved and bought our house and put away what they could in savings. When I met DH, he had the idea that you were supposed to spend whatever you got; having a savings account was an entirely foreign concept.

 

We're comfortably middle class now. I've gotten DH to understand that saving is not really optional, but he still occasionally gets ideas that we can afford things that are clearly out of our budget. He also likes to brag to his family about how much we spent on things, which makes me uncomfortable. We are the 'rich' ones in the family, and sometimes we do get asked for money. DH knows that he needs to talk to me before saying yes, and we do sometimes say no, but I still wish he would stop discussing money matters with his family altogether. It never ends well.

[kalanamak]

No, and not only did hubby grow up poor, he still was when he was 50. His retirement plan was to be homeless after he couldn't work anymore. (I'm not joking.) He had a house, but a lot was owed on it, and he'd built it. He'd raised two girls, but had no money for college.

 

Fast forward 12 years and it is rather touching to see how thrilled he still is with symphony tickets, a ring to wear, a car that runs without dripping oil, a kayak, dental care, etc. At my last family reunion everyone was poolside and hungry, and he happily trotted down to the burger joint and hauled back a HUGE lunch for everyone. My sister asked me quietly why, and I said that he still gets a thrill out of being able to go into a store, order what he wants, and not have to worry if he has enough in the wallet to cover it.

[fairfarmhand]

we both grew up in the same financial category, but our parents spent it differently. His family probably made less money, but since my parents spent their extra on Christian school for my brothers and I, the difference was a wash. My family didn't own a home till I was 17, but my family always drove nicer cars that mom and dad had borrowed on. My family lived in very lousy housing, but my brothers and I had lessons and played sports.

[scubamama]

lower - lower - lower middle class girl here. My dad was laid off frequently by his job at an auto plant and my mom was very ill and in and out of the hospital constantly. Bills sky high, plenty o' fighting over those bills. We wore horrible thrift store clothes and ate from the garden and gleaned from the orchard behind our house and from the church pantry. It was considered shameful to be in this position and the blame was placed on my sick mother. I seriously believe that my dad's family just wanted her to die already so they could stop hearing about the bills. They were poor like us though. We got stuff like socks for Christmas. I worked and put myself thru college and got my degree in nursing.

 

DH's family lived an upper middle class life - he made a significant amount as an entrepreneur before we met, but lost it all. So I married up. His mom was very disappointed we didn't have our wedding at a country club and I was mightily relieved we didn't have it at the ancient decaying fire hall my parents wanted to use. SO, no one was happy but us, and that's ok!

It turns out his mom and step dad were living on all credit - he passed and now she lives in gov't housing for the elderly.

 

We're middle class and I am thrilled. I'm still panicked about money at times. dh is more of a "it'll work out" kind of guy. He's a great planner and money manager.

I really am very fortunate and mindful of it.

[Tap]

We both grew up fairly poor. We don't have issues realated to it. LOL We have been together since we were 18 so we grew up together and have build our current life style with long hours of hard work. We were both determined to not bring our children up in the same lifestyle that we had.

Edited May 16, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[SailorMom]

Well - our families were as different as night and day. I say "were" because most of my family is gone (from bad life choices), or we've chosen to not have contact with them anymore.

Financially - his parents both have graduate degrees and make decent money, but they had 5 kids, and still somewhat support two of them. They also don't hve debt other than their house. My dad had a GED and my mom barely graduated high school, both made ok money. Had two kids, but a lot of debt.

On the outside, we looked to have similar financial status, but his parents were light years ahead of mine.

Keep in mind, we dated in high school - so we weren't as aware of each other's parents' financial situations. I knew my parents couldn't afford to help me after high school, and DH enlisted in the military right after high school - so their financial states didn't have an impact on our early marriage.

[Tarreymere]

We grew up the same. Both working class with SAHMs in a working class ethnically segregated coal mining towns where SAHMs were common, complete with lousy public schools, no jobs, and rampant drug and alcohol use among our teen peers. We were actually pretty close geographically also, although we didn't meet until we both lived in a very different area in our late thirties, were college educated, and met through match.com. If we were any more similar I'd have to wonder if we were related.

 

We are very much in agreement about just about anything and everything, even though our choices and lifestyle are very much NOT what most other people with our background and even within our own families would consider appropriate. They all think we moved 'down' because I don't work and we live in a trailer despite our college educations. Oh, and our tendency to adopt, foster, informally offer shelter to, and give birth to large numbers of children instead of carefully planning to raise only one or two bio-kids.

 

Weird, isn't it?

Edited May 16, 2012 by Rainefox

[dangermom]

I was lower middle class with very thrifty parents--not a ton of extras, but also pretty secure because they were so careful. My husband grew up poor, with his dad shifting jobs very often and a lot of moving around.

 

We do not have conflict over how to spend money, but certainly he is very invested in having a steady job and working hard for security. The last few years have been very rough financially, with layoffs and unemployment (looking up now!), and I am amazed at how well he did with the stress; all his worst fears came true and he did OK.

 

We do have slightly different philosophies in a few things--I try to keep the AC off as much as possible and his attitude is sort of Scarlett O'Hara: "I'll never be too hot again!!"

[LostSurprise]

I'd say were were similar socio-economic levels (lower to middle class), but the two families were very different.

 

My father was poor, blue-collar using the Navy to work his way up through a GED, college, and the white-collar world. FIL was lower white collar who escaped into the Navy and came out with a trade. He's very happy in that world and works hard.

 

I'd say dh and I have a lot of the same thrifty expectations, but that our own experiences colored how we went about things. My dad lost his job when I was in junior high and we were on public aid on and off through high school as he struggled to find another one in his field. I have no illusions; education and hard work do not ensure a great life. DH is just as hard-working as his dad and has always had a job and money in his pocket. He did not understand my absolute terror at carrying a credit card balance month to month. Going from 2 jobs to 1 job and a baby was a big change for us. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think its been hard for dh to put this thrifty ideals into practice--he's always worked hard and had money in his pocket...and its been hard for me to accept "good" things (clothing, MP3 player, soft toilet paper :lol: ) because I don't have the faith that money will always be there. On the other hand, dh is sometimes worried about being the earner that I "deserve" and I look at him like he's a nut. We are so blessed. We've learned to make it work.

[momma2three]

When I was born, my parents were struggling, but by the time I was in high school they were very well off.

 

My husband was born middle class, but after his father left and his mother had some mental issues they were very poor and lived on benefits.

 

It's a lot better than it used to be, but we did used to spar on money issues. A big one that I can think of is that I NEVER buy anything full price. I only shop sales, and when I used to have time to sift through stuff I'd get things at Goodwill. To DH, this reminded him of being a child and only having used clothing to wear. He would refuse to buy things on sale, just on principle. I talked him out of that one pretty quickly, but it was still difficult for him to come to terms with the idea that someone would WANT to buy cheap used clothing instead of it being a marker of shame.

 

On the other hand, I tend to have a a blithely oblivious philosophy about money... everything will work out, money will rain from the trees, something will happen, so it doesn't really matter if I buy just this one thing that I don't really need. DH is a lot more budget-concious.

[kubiac]

Great question!

 

I would say that all told my husband and I grew up in very similar economic circumstances, although our families have VERY different ways of spending what money they have.

 

Both our fathers were well-educated professionals (his has a Ph.D. and was a professor, mine has two science masters degrees and was an engineer/executive), and both mothers got undergrad degrees to the University of Michigan, worked for a few years, and then were full-time moms who never worked significantly outside the home again after having kids.

 

In the generation before that, my husband's dad's family and my mom's family were both quite poor. DH's dad grew up in serious urban poverty in Atlantic City and then Philly--his father was a gambler and general ne'er-do-well. My mom's parents were farmers and were cash poor nearly all their lives. My dad's parents were both teachers, and his mom's parents owned a retirement home.

 

Anyway, despite being part of approximately the same class, the two families have very different approaches to consumption. My side of the family likes to buy one Very Expensive Thing after Intense Consideration and keep it for 45 years and store and maintain and upgrade and improve and replace the hell out of it. His side of the family prefers to impulsively buy 50 Very Inexpensive Things in succession and discard and replace them freely. These conflicting patterns of Stuff Management are definitely a source of (mild) friction between DH and I.

 

That said, even though I would say both sides of the family are probably upper-middle class, fiscal modesty is the order of the day, because of long-standing family values on both sides.

 

Overall, I think our family is probably doing less well than our parents were at this stage in their lives, I remain optimistic than our economic arc will continue onward and upward. :D

[sunflowerlady]

Yes. :)

[wapiti]

nm

Edited May 16, 2012 by wapiti

[mommaduck]

I technically married down.

 

I grew up military poor, but was lower middle class by jr high/highschool. He grew up lower class, working poor. He could have been middle class by jr high/highschool if he had lived with his dad. His mother's family had the view of "do only what you have to and as little as possible". My family had the "work your arse off even if you are drowning". My husband fit in better with my family.

[DianeW88]

Hmmm, interesting question. And I'm not sure how to answer that.

 

I grew up very upper middle class. My father has his PhD and was a vice-president for a major chemical company back east. I lived a very "preppy" childhood. Private all-girls school, country club, tennis, etc., etc.

 

My dh grew up out west, so maybe that's where a lot of differences lie. His family was solidly middle class, and then his father became wealthy during the oil boom of the early eighties. So I guess they were sort of "nouveau riche". In the nicest possible way, of course. :lol:

 

In my parents circle, my in-laws would have been considered quite brash. They aren't "cultured". And they're as far from preppy as you could possibly get. They're very nice and cordial, but still....

 

Mostly it's matters of culture, taste and what's polite to discuss in public.

 

Let me give you an example that had me diving under the couch one time. A friend of my husband's had mention that his mother had passed away. On pressing from my MIL, he finally admitted that she had committed suicide. Then my MIL asks HOW SHE DID IT. :blink: :blink:

 

That's the sort of thing I'm talking about. They say and do inappropriate things, they're loud and my MIL dresses in such a way that would make the Garden Club ladies faint. My mother was always of the "get dressed completely, then remove one accessory" understated look. My MIL was so flamboyant in her dress and jewelry that even a pawn shop wouldn't take her rings ("we'd never be able to sell these, lady"). Not to mention her home is decorated in what can best be described as the "Early Bordello" period. :lol:

 

Now, my dh purposefully looked for someone who was the opposite of his mother when he was searching for a wife, so I'm sure you can already see where this is going.

 

We've made peace over the years, but the first ten or so years with my in-laws were interesting to say the least.

 

SO...money-wise, the same. Culturally speaking....miles apart!!! :D

[Jennifer in MI]

Hmmm, interesting question. And I'm not sure how to answer that.

 

I grew up very upper middle class. My father has his PhD and was a vice-president for a major chemical company back east. I lived a very "preppy" childhood. Private all-girls school, country club, tennis, etc., etc.

 

My dh grew up out west, so maybe that's where a lot of differences lie. His family was solidly middle class, and then his father became wealthy during the oil boom of the early eighties. So I guess they were sort of "nouveau riche". In the nicest possible way, of course. :lol:

 

In my parents circle, my in-laws would have been considered quite brash. They aren't "cultured". And they're as far from preppy as you could possibly get. They're very nice and cordial, but still....

 

Mostly it's matters of culture, taste and what's polite to discuss in public.

 

Let me give you an example that had me diving under the couch one time. A friend of my husband's had mention that his mother had passed away. On pressing from my MIL, he finally admitted that she had committed suicide. Then my MIL asks HOW SHE DID IT. :blink: :blink:

 

That's the sort of thing I'm talking about. They say and do inappropriate things, they're loud and my MIL dresses in such a way that would make the Garden Club ladies faint. My mother was always of the "get dressed completely, then remove one accessory" understated look. My MIL was so flamboyant in her dress and jewelry that even a pawn shop wouldn't take her rings ("we'd never be able to sell these, lady"). Not to mention her home is decorated in what can best be described as the "Early Bordello" period. :lol:

 

Now, my dh purposefully looked for someone who was the opposite of his mother when he was searching for a wife, so I'm sure you can already see where this is going.

 

We've made peace over the years, but the first ten or so years with my in-laws were interesting to say the least.

 

SO...money-wise, the same. Culturally speaking....miles apart!!! :D

 

We must have married into the same family!!! Wow - everything you say here - inappropriate questions, clothing, etc, etc.

 

I grew up with everything I needed and most of what I wanted. My parents were both teachers, so we weren't rich, but my mom had family money. They both saved and were VERY frugal. Great example for me. Now, my parents are living the life I hope to live after retirement! Lots of travel.

 

Dh grew up VERY wealthy. New rich. They spent, spent, spent. Credit card debt, new leased car every three years, etc. Now? They can;t afford to retire and they just had to sell their house and are now renting. It's really, really sad.

 

It was an interesting first couple of years when we got married - deciding how to spend. I guess it's a no-brainer - I do the bills!!!

[6packofun]

It's hard to say, really...

 

My parents divorced and I lived with my barely-making-ends-meet mother (who still lives that way, btw) and not my well-to-do father. ?? I'd say we were low-income for much of my early childhood and eventually made our way up to the lower edge of the middle class. My dad has done well, but I haven't reaped any benefits from it. My siblings and I lived in a fairly wealthy suburb, but were amongst the poorest students at our school.

 

Dh, on the other hand, grew up in a lower-income area (WV) and his grandfathers were both military, then a civilian minister and a steel worker. His father, however, was military and then got into computers, finally doing very well for himself. His parents were divorced and while he lived with his mom they were very low-income. He was shuttled between many preschools and babysitters while she went to school and then went to school again for her master's. By the time she was financially secure, dh had gone to live with his dad.

 

I don't know what any of this means. We grew up in very similar ways, children of divorce, that created a large divide in financial stability amongst the different spouses! I'd say that, except for my dad, my dh's family was better off than mine, particularly for their area. They didn't own huge houses and lived within their means, but always had money and went on vacations, etc. He was somewhat spoiled, IMO, but more from being an only child caught between parents and never being required to work for anything.

[Ottakee]

Dh grew up in an upper working class family I would say. Dad was a tool and die maker, mom worked in a factory. They had a house, a fishing boat, snowmobiles, etc. but nothing extravagant. They did though go out to eat A LOT.

 

I grew up poor/working class. My mom was a single parent. We never really considered ourselves poor but many clothes were hand me downs or grandma bought. I did go to Christian school though but there most of the kids were working class/farm kids. It was the "norm" for us all to wear bread bags on our feet before putting our boots on in the winter as they all leaked. Lunch bags were often old sugar bags.....used over and over again. One girl wore a mailman coat from a relative as that is what she had......but then again, that is how we all lived so we really didn't notice. We did get the Thanksgiving food donation more than once growing up.

 

Dh and I are doing well. We are debt free and can manage our money. The kids have activites and we have a small hobby farm with 4 horses and assorted other critters. That said, we still wear used/hand me down clothes a great deal, mostly have older vehicles---my 2008 mini van is the newest thing we have ever owned and our 1995 suburban is still going strong along with the 1982 snow plow truck.

 

I see dh and I as doing quite well but I guess if you look at the income "standards" for our area, we would be lower middle class or so.