blondeviolin Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) Here's the scenario: Your husband is military and just got orders elsewhere. You have three boys (6, 4, 2). The oldest is in PS K and has SPD. You really detest your current station. On the way to your next location, your husband will have 6 months of training elsewhere. The military will pay for your family to come along. Do you... Go with your husband, even though there are six months before you will get to your final duty station? Stay where you are until you know your final destination, even if you really hate the area you're in? It's important for you kids to have continuity and stability. Move back "home" to spend the 6 months your husband will be in training? You're hopeful that your family will be able to help out. You have visited your family for at least 2 weeks every three months or so so there are already relationships formed. Edited March 19, 2012 by blondeviolin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorrainejmc Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I would go but my youngest is 6 so....:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I've always moved back home during those type of assignments. My family has always been willing/able to help out, though. If I were unsure I'd ask family (that'd be my first option), but barring that I'd likely just stay put until final orders came through. I do understand wanting to be with a spouse/father, but ... six months isn't too terribly long (to a military family, anyhow!) and your kids are at an age (and maybe disposition?) where stability and consistency could go farther than a few months away from dad. I reserve 'adventures' for longer periods of time or when kids are old enough that we can share said adventure LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Since I have been going through this with dd, dgs, and dsil, I can tell you what I would want, as the mom/grandma, and that would be for my kiddo and family to come home for that 6 months and be with family, especially if the next command is going to be far enough away to limit visits. Of course, that is just my opinion, and I just shipped my dd, dgs and dsil back to Hawaii this morning, so I may/MAY NOT be impartial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Would your husband have time to help you if you go with him? That would affect my decision. If so, then yes... If not, then with my parents. IF you stay with family, and maybe either way, have your husband start reading stories to burn to dvd for them. This will help with the separation and even just the ease of "being in between" :) (And, just heard this and remembered the idea from Andrew Pudewa today, referencing Grandparents :)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Would your husband have time to help you if you go with him? That would affect my decision. If so, then yes... If not, then with my parents. IF you stay with family, and maybe either way, have your husband start reading stories to burn to dvd for them. This will help with the separation and even just the ease of "being in between" :) (And, just heard this and remembered the idea from Andrew Pudewa today, referencing Grandparents :)) The husband will be in extra training, so he will have periods of studying. BUT, there will be at least dinner plus another hour of free time between work and studying. Mom and kids are constantly visiting mom's family. (She has been there at least two months' worth of time in the last year or so.) This isn't my husband. We're in Oklahoma for the next forever. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MHowell Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Here's the scenario: Your husband is military and just got orders elsewhere. You have three boys (6, 4, 2). The oldest is in PS K and has SPD. You really detest your current station. On the way to your next location, your husband will have 6 months of training elsewhere. The military will pay for your family to come along. Do you... Go with your husband, even though there are six months before you will get to your final duty station? Stay where you are until you know your final destination, even if you really hate the area you're in? It's important for you kids to have continuity and stability. Move back "home" to spend the 6 months your husband will be in training? You're hopeful that your family will be able to help out. You have visited your family for at least 2 weeks every three months or so so there are already relationships formed. I'd stay with my hubby. You're only hopeful and not sure of the family helping helping and you don't like where your at. The moving sounds better since you'll all be together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama_Rana Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 My father was stationed overseas when I was going into 5th grade [bro going into 3rd and sis going into 9th]. He chose to leave us behind because he could go unaccompanied for 2 yrs or accompanied for 3. They thought that would end up easier than relocating all of us overseas. To the day he died he regretted it. His assignment ended up being extended so he was there 2.5 years. He was bored stiff and ended up taking a second job just to keep busy. It was very stressful for everyone. Mom wasn't near family though we had some good friends in the area. I'd say go if you can. Go early and set up rather than relocating twice. That's my opinion only of course. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I would either go with him, or go to visit family. As much as people seem to "feel sorry" for me when DH isn't around (training, deployment, etc.) I actually enjoy it for the simple fact that we get to go spend time with my family guilt-free. We can't be with him, so we can take advantage of that time to be with family that we're usually 1000+ miles away from. Any other time, I always feel guilty that somebody is missing out on the kids as they grow - either the grandparents, if we go to see them without him for an extended visit, then DH is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Your oldest child, in school, would be the issue, for me. If it wasn't for switching schools, I would say move with him. When would you be moving and how would his school be affected? Would you move before this year is up, enroll him for a month, do summer break, back to school for a couple of months, than have to switch schools? The reason that I would, otherwise, choose moving is that the stability for them stems from having the same adults in their lives. I guess I see moving around as not being any worse than dad being gone for 6 months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Your oldest child, in school, would be the issue, for me. If it wasn't for switching schools, I would say move with him. When would you be moving and how would his school be affected? Would you move before this year is up, enroll him for a month, do summer break, back to school for a couple of months, than have to switch schools? The reason that I would, otherwise, choose moving is that the stability for them stems from having the same adults in their lives. I guess I see moving around as not being any worse than dad being gone for 6 months. It would mean that he missed the last month or so of Kindergarten and the first couple weeks of first grade. His parents tried to homeschool him for the beginning of Kindergarten, but it did not work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 It would mean that he missed the last month or so of Kindergarten and the first couple weeks of first grade. His parents tried to homeschool him for the beginning of Kindergarten, but it did not work out. Ah, ok. So, just a long summer break. I wasn't sure what the "SPD" was and if he NEEDED to be in school. I'd go, since you said you would all see your dh for dinner and an hour a day. Consider it an adventure. That's how I will vote, then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in KY Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Here's the scenario: Your husband is military and just got orders elsewhere. You have three boys (6, 4, 2). The oldest is in PS K and has SPD. You really detest your current station. On the way to your next location, your husband will have 6 months of training elsewhere. The military will pay for your family to come along. Do you... Go with your husband, even though there are six months before you will get to your final duty station? Stay where you are until you know your final destination, even if you really hate the area you're in? It's important for you kids to have continuity and stability. Move back "home" to spend the 6 months your husband will be in training? You're hopeful that your family will be able to help out. You have visited your family for at least 2 weeks every three months or so so there are already relationships formed. Because of the bolded, I would go. Also, I would go with him because I am married to my husband, not to my mother. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I voted go along, but not because it's an adventure. To me it's because the kids shouldn't have to be away from their dad for six months if it can be avoided. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Because of the bolded, I would go. Also, I would go with him because I am married to my husband, not to my mother. :) I love this. Maybe it's just the way my family works, or maybe it's because I haven't lived near my parents since being married, but I don't feel I have a home with them. Home is where hubby is. There's not really even an ancestral home--we moved a bit when I was a kid, and my parents moved after I was in college (and continued moving), so there's no city I call home, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I voted go along, but not because it's an adventure. To me it's because the kids shouldn't have to be away from their dad for six months if it can be avoided. Tara I agree with this, and also with Susan. Go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Go along. We have moved frequently and for short periods with DH (academia is not quite as bad as the military, but for many years it is quite the gypsy life). Being together was always more fun than me staying behind with the kids (done both) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I would think that the stability of being with daddy would be more important than stability of location. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAM Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I would definitely go with kids so young. Mine are older (11, 9, 6, and 3). The older two would have a hard time leaving home, friends and activities...but better leave that stuff behind than their dad. Not saying it sounds easy though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I would think that the stability of being with daddy would be more important than stability of location. :iagree: this. the adventure is just a bonus.... ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Here's what I would do. I would stay behind to get everything packed and handed over to the movers. I would then go visit family for a little bit and visit dh for a little bit. Then I would move to our destination ahead of dh. I would establish housing, enroll the kids in school, and start getting our life established in our new destination. I would not move in with relatives. I would not move with dh if we had to live in temporary lodging or if it wasn't a family friendly location. I would have serious reservations about moving with dh if he was in the hot south for the summer months. We are not hot south people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 We are a military family as well. We have a policy of our family unit remaining intact whenever possible because in this line of work there are so many instances when we just have no choice but to be apart. We would go with dh. No question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I would go because she hates her current station. The military will pay to move her to the school but won't pay to move her to her mother's. It will be cheaper to move with the spouse. Her kids are young enough that I wouldn't worry a bit about the school or stability. If she loved her current place and hated the school location, then I'd consider staying for the 6 months but would probably just go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 (edited) I voted stay put, but only because it's 6 months and I'd hate to live with my parents for that long, just because it would be cramped quarters. For the record I have lots of experience with this. We've been without dh for 7 months already and have 4.5 left to go due to it not being worth it to move to the next duty station with him. He would have arrived 3 months before deployment, which would have meant lots of workup time, so we would have barely seen him during this 3 months anyway, and then after the deployment the ship was shifting homeport to where we are now. If the Navy moved us to the homeport the ship was leaving from they would not have moved us back one the shift happened. This is also the 2nd time a deployment/PCS has worked out like this. I think after doing this military thing for almost 15 years staying with family for an extended time just isn't fun anymore, mostly because there usually isn't enough room since we're all crammed in the house that really wasn't made for that many people. The kids don't have their stuff in their space and after about a month we start to miss being "home" It's also hard to keep up a regular family routine when G-ma and G-pa are added to the mix, it was hard for us to really get anything done. Now if the situation allows for the family to have their own house/apartment but just be close to the extended family then I say go for it, since it's always nice to have close by in a pinch. Edited March 19, 2012 by nukeswife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 From the point of view of a military kid, there was always more of a sense of stability when we went along with my dad, even when it meant changing schools and living in a hotel room, if we went along with my dad to wherever he was going, even on those short school assignments. We did different things different times, so I can compare it to staying put, going to the next station ahead, and going back to stay with family, and by far, going with dad felt the most secure and was the happiest, not only when I was little (he went back on active duty when I was 5), but into my college years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) It would totally depend on where dh is going. If he is going to some hole in the wall, we stay put. If he is going someplace cool we are right there with him. There is no way I'd go to either my mom's or dh's mom's. Edited March 20, 2012 by Parrothead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I would go with dh. Stability for children that young is the people and relationships in their daily lives--not the place they live in. As a former Navy wife, I have to say I would keep the littles as close to dh as I could. At that young age, they just don't understand the seperation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I would totally go. I don't know what SPD is though. But my thinking would be that the 6 months would have to be in some awful, terrible place to keep me from going along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thanks all! This is actually a situation my BIL and SIL find themselves in. They are Navy and he has orders to C school in San Antonio. If it were us I'd go along and we'd explore San Antonio as much as possible: museums, zoo, beaches nearby, etc. we've done the long separations and wouldn't do it by choice. Stability, in our family, means Daddy's with us. They are strongly considering that she stay with her parents because they are have trouble parenting their oldest boy (who has Sensory Processing Disorder). His therapists have said a lot of his issues are not sensory-related, but they continue to have problems. She is wanting the support of her family while parenting him. I am watching it all confused... (1) I'd rather have my husband be my parenting support. (2) I would hate to be cramped into one or two rooms with my kids. (I've done it--no fun!) (3) I love my husband and want to be with him. He is my best friend. (4) With how frequently and long she takes her kids back "home," I wonder why they are considering remaining military. He runs out of leave very quickly because of this. (It's also expensive!) Usually we hear these things and think "to each their own.". This time, though, it would put them fairly close to where we are stationed. My husband is pretty bummed that he probably won't see anyone but his brother. And to be honest, it is a bummer because it is a chance for relationships to form. We haven't seen them since their oldest was 16 mos and Abby was only 6 mos. I was just telling my husband that we aren't odd and most people woukd pick to follow on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 For my family we would definitely go with him. #1 Because we really all like to be together. It would be awful to be apart 6 months if there were an option for otherwise. #2 We enjoy an adventure. Absolutely! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I would go with my husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 If it were 6 weeks, I'd stay put, but for 6 months I'd move. I wouldn't choose to split the family for 6 months. So often in the military, you have no choice. I'd choose more time with dad over more time with the current school teacher. With summer, then the next school year coming, you'll be adjusting anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 More important IMO to be with hubby. If he weren't going to be able to be with the family, I would go home. But since he will see them daily or close to it, I would go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 The way the military is, the more time I could have with my husband the better. I'd go with him anywhere I could. The kids have you and your husband as their primary stability. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 If it were us I'd go along and we'd explore San Antonio as much as possible: museums, zoo, beaches nearby, etc. we've done the long separations and wouldn't do it by choice. Stability, in our family, means Daddy's with us. San Antonio is the destination!? Double yes on that! What a fun city to explore for 6 months. :001_smile: I personally would never chose to be away from DH long term if I had any say in the matter. I agree with you on the parenting issues. They'll just have to readjust again when the family comes back together and it might not be pretty. Of course, they know their child and situation best. But I think for us that's a time when I'd definitely want to pull together as a family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Both my father and my hubby were military. We always went with. I can't even imagine not going unless of course it was somewhere I would fear for my life and the life of my children. And you can never tell ahead of time if you are going to like some place or not. Some of the places I thought I would hate and some that I thought I would love, not so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellers Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I would go with my DH and wouldn't think twice about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I would go with my husband. I can do fine without him for a period of time, but I do so much better with him. So do the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 We stay together as a couple as much as possible. We have done a six month move for a school in between assignments. I think staying together when we can is part of the reason for our marital success. As a military spouse I really work hard to build a sense of family and/or community everywhere we go. I cannot run home every time I get the chance because I wouldn't be as invested in the military community. That is how I see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bree Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I'd definitely go with my husband, but my family would go crazy if we stayed with them...mostly because of my dd who is 5 and has SPD :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 My dh isn't military, but travels from job to job. We go with him, the only exception has been when he was moving to a new location 1 or 2 times a week. Dd is still young, but I don't see that changing. We will be homeschooling so schools won't be an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 As an older, experienced mom, I'd say to go with dh so the family can be together. Because the kids are young it would be easier to move twice while they are little than it would be later on. The kids will feel much more secure if they are with their parents. You didn't mention hs'ing at all. Is this a possibility? If so then the school issue could be solved easily. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I've done it. We lived in Alabama for 6 months in between two 9 month posts. I don't know about others in the military - but my DH is gone so much - I can't imagine living apart form him for 6 months if we had a choice in the matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Go with dh. Provide the structure in her daily routine and other habits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I always went with dh. There were plenty of times we couldn't be together, I always went home then. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I would never voluntarily choose to be separated from my husband and to have my kids separated from their father for months if I had any choice whatsoever in the matter. We'd go along and make an adventure of it, make the best of it, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 There would be no way on God's green earth that I would go back and live with family for six months. What a nightmare! My first choice would be to go with dh, but if that didn't work out, I would sit tight where I was and wait to find out the orders to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I wouldn't impose on family for 6 months even if the swore up and down that it wasn't an imposition. Six months is a long time and three is a lot of kids (unless she is going to get her own apartment there). I am close with my family, but I would rather be with DH. If I couldn't be with DH, I would stay where I was but break up the time with a few weeks visiting family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 At those ages, you and your DH are their stability. Also, I would have a hard time staying in a community knowing that I'd be leaving in 6 months if I didn't have a reason to be there. Visiting family could be good if you have a good relationship with your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 If my kids were the age of your children, I would either go with my husband or go home to stay with family and save the housing money for 6 months. (My sil did this while by brother did his latest tour in Iraq...stayed with family and saved a whole lot of money giving them a huge head start as a family.) I would probably be more inclined to go with my husband because I like change though it would depend on where he was going. It wouldn't bother me that my 6yo was in school. I would just homeschool for awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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