Making it thru the mental drain of underemployment and unemployment

[Dobela]

My dh is employed. He has the same position that he has had for 8 years. His pay however has dropped over 75% and for this month his paycheck was all of $400. He thinks his second paycheck will be similar. He is only paid 2x per month. Each pay period his boss changes the rules unexpectedly - as in the rate of commission changes, or something else. The first major pay decrease happened just before Thanksgiving and dh had no idea until he received his paycheck that the pay scale would be different. He was demoted so that a base salary would no longer be paid. Then the commission percentages dropped. It stinks. We borrowed money from family until dh realized this was a permanent change in pay.

 

I know frugal ideas. I know budgeting ideas. I know money saving ideas. Believe me, we are doing those.

 

But what I need help with is the mental strain and drain of it all. How does one keep moving thru it all? How do I support him emotionally, give him encouragement, and all that? Dh is nearly 50, no college degree, and he is really, really down about this. Defeated. Stopped communicating. The strain on our marriage is huge. I don't even know sometimes if we will come out on the other side together.

 

So, help me be a better wife. Help me with my own mental stress, and help me be supportive, encouraging, and all that rather than grumpy, nagging, and depressing.

[Hoggirl]

:grouphug:

 

I have no wisdom to share. I have friends who are similarly situated. It is so painful. I am sorry.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

You have described my household. I'm all ears.....

[Jen in PA]

:grouphug: Dh just lost his "new" job last week, so I can totally sympathize. When he was unemployed before that job he was in school at least part-time, and often full-time, so he had a sense that he had places to be and was working toward a goal..... I am worried about things being very different this time, and I also have a feeling that whatever he finds next will pay less than what he has had in the past. On one hand, I can make a dollar stretch as far as it needs to -- but I know what you mean about the emotional toll. I don't really have any advice, just :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Wow, I lived your post, except dh was self-employed and jobs were sssllllooowww. Then his health went kaput and he had to find a job.

 

I cried in the bathroom a lot. We applied for food assistance and got it. As humbling as it was, it was nice to know that we didn't need to worry about food with a teen in the house.

 

My dh is also 51, no degree, and considered returning to school. His health won't allow it, he couldn't handle the workload.

 

I applied for a few Internet jobs and got turned down, nice boost to self-esteem :glare:

 

I live in the day-to-day. I take care of what I can, some days that is just me and school.

 

I did my best to not blame dh, I kept the stress at a minimum when he was at home. I didn't discuss bad things on the news or about school.

 

I didn't discuss our woes with everyone. There are a select few people that know everything. But I needed a confidante, so I didn't explode or melt.

 

I also didn't want to hear that everything will be all right, or just pray and God will make it all better. Maybe that's pessimistic, but whatever. Sometimes things change and it isn't always for the better. Things are still not all "all right", things are different. We're still getting used to a new normal.

 

I'm not helping am I? :grouphug:

 

I faked smiles and conversation through many meals. I assumed the role of happy wife, because I knew dh couldn't handle anything else, and I needed some peace. Some days I reached down inside to find my own strength, some days I had to lean on others.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kewb]

Is your dh searching for another job? I hope he is.

As for the emotional drain. It is a difficult thing to get through. My dh went into severe depression right after our dd was born and he lost his job. He was out of work for just about the first year of her life. I can't say I was the best wife during this period. Working full time and taking care of 2 kids. Yes, even though he was home all day job hunting I still did everything. And I mean everything. It was a very bitter time for me. The aftermath of this period affected our marriage for at least another 6 years.

 

All you can do is try to make the home environment pleasant and take care of yourself. People who are dealing with depression often do not see how bad it is and how it is affecting those around them. He needs to go to the doctor (and it will probably not be easy to get him there). My dh went on Welbutrin eventually and to be honest it is what saved our marriage.

[Aelwydd]

We were in a similar situation when my dh got laid off last year. It was very stressful, and we're still playing catch-up on all our bills, thanks to that stint of unemployment.

 

Now, I work full-time, and dh is home schooling our son, and starting up his own photography business. His self-esteem has taken a hit, not from me, but from others having a negative view of SAHDs. IMO, it's these stereotypes, that men must be the breadwinner, that cause a lot of useless depression. How does that help our family for dh to feel badly about a job market he, and millions of other Americans, have absolutely no control over? It doesn't help, and it's harmful to marriages and families everywhere.

 

I think it's very important to remind your dh that he's not alone, and this situation isn't due to any personal failure of his. Maybe you guys can brainstorm some ideas for starting up your own business, or talk about looking for jobs in other places, or consider having you go back to school for degree if he can't. Whatever it is you focus on, you've at least opened up the channels of communication again, to let him know that you're there trying to help him solve the family's income problem, and it's not just his burden alone.

[Dobela]

Wow, I lived your post, except dh was self-employed and jobs were sssllllooowww. Then his health went kaput and he had to find a job.

 

I cried in the bathroom a lot. We applied for food assistance and got it. As humbling as it was, it was nice to know that we didn't need to worry about food with a teen in the house.

 

My dh is also 51, no degree, and considered returning to school. His health won't allow it, he couldn't handle the workload.

 

I applied for a few Internet jobs and got turned down, nice boost to self-esteem :glare:

 

I live in the day-to-day. I take care of what I can, some days that is just me and school.

 

I did my best to not blame dh, I kept the stress at a minimum when he was at home. I didn't discuss bad things on the news or about school.

 

I didn't discuss our woes with everyone. There are a select few people that know everything. But I needed a confidante, so I didn't explode or melt.

 

I also didn't want to hear that everything will be all right, or just pray and God will make it all better. Maybe that's pessimistic, but whatever. Sometimes things change and it isn't always for the better. Things are still not all "all right", things are different. We're still getting used to a new normal.

 

I'm not helping am I? :grouphug:

 

I faked smiles and conversation through many meals. I assumed the role of happy wife, because I knew dh couldn't handle anything else, and I needed some peace. Some days I reached down inside to find my own strength, some days I had to lean on others.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Actually, knowing I am not alone helps. I don't know anyone else in our situation. I know there are people out there, but no one is opening up to me. I have 2 friends out of state that I have opened up to, and one here that I called crying when I learned the last paycheck was only $400. I was so angry and upset I was afraid that if I didn't call someone I would take it out on dh. And, having already taken some of my anger out on dh, I am trying really hard to not do that again.

 

The looking for jobs is tough. As long as dh is working days, that leaves nights for me, and well, that doesn't give many opportunities to make enough to make a difference. I could do some other things based on my education degree but with his work schedule, homeschooling, and special needs kids, even that seems a daunting task to schedule and make work.

 

I don't blame him for the pay cuts and all that, but I am beyond frustrated with the lack of communication from him. I can't stretch the dollars efficiently if I don't know how few we have. I can't even brainstorm because he has shut down so much. He does have medical coverage thru the VA so I will also encourage him to see about his depression. Not that I think he will follow thru.

 

kewb, this is our second go-round with unemployment and such. The first was 10 years ago when ds was an infant. He left the military for a job, thenthe job evaporated and it took months for him tofind another. I was working full time then though but the impact was huge on his psychie.

[cjzimmer1]

We just went through unemployment last summer (our 3rd stint in the last 8 years). It is very hard and stressful. One thing that God really pressed on me this go around was that I shouldn't worry about the tomorrows only deal with today. In the past I was always thinking ahead and trying to figure out how to pay this bill next week and that really big bill next month etc and would worry myself sick.

 

So this last go around I change my approach because obviously the other approach didn't really work. I cut all spending to the bone, meaning if I didn't need it TODAY, I didn't buy it. (I will say that I live very close to many stores, so having to go out to a store to pick up something tomorrow would take time but not much gas money and actually we started walking everywhere we reasonably could, if you leave way out in the country this may not work for you). If there was still milk in the fridge for today, I didn't buy any even if we'd be out tomorrow. My son's tennis shoes separated from the sole. It was summer he could wear sandals, tennis shoes didn't get replaced. Everything was subject to the TODAY test. Bill due tomorrow and no money, don't THINK about it, it's not TODAY'S problem.

 

Basically I learned to live and think in the here and now. And as crazy as it may sound, I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I no longer had my stomach in knots with worry about the what ifs. I learned we could do without a lot more things than I ever thought possible when I learned to say no to everything. And we were not deprived, we had plenty to eat, we spent time together, we had some great talks with the kids while we walked places to save gas etc. It wasn't the horrible miserable experience I had expected.

 

And somehow the money was always there when we really did have to buy this thing or pay that bill. God did provide everything we needed when we NEEDED it (just not always when we WANTED it).

 

The whole experience really taught me to spend my time and energy (including mental energy) on those things I had control over and to let go of the things I couldn't control.

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Dobela]

We just went through unemployment last summer (our 3rd stint in the last 8 years). It is very hard and stressful. One thing that God really pressed on me this go around was that I shouldn't worry about the tomorrows only deal with today. In the past I was always thinking ahead and trying to figure out how to pay this bill next week and that really big bill next month etc and would worry myself sick.

 

So this last go around I change my approach because obviously the other approach didn't really work. I cut all spending to the bone, meaning if I didn't need it TODAY, I didn't buy it. (I will say that I live very close to many stores, so having to go out to a store to pick up something tomorrow would take time but not much gas money and actually we started walking everywhere we reasonably could, if you leave way out in the country this may not work for you). If there was still milk in the fridge for today, I didn't buy any even if we'd be out tomorrow. My son's tennis shoes separated from the sole. It was summer he could wear sandals, tennis shoes didn't get replaced. Everything was subject to the TODAY test. Bill due tomorrow and no money, don't THINK about it, it's not TODAY'S problem.

 

Basically I learned to live and think in the here and now. And as crazy as it may sound, I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I no longer had my stomach in knots with worry about the what ifs. I learned we could do without a lot more things than I ever thought possible when I learned to say no to everything. And we were not deprived, we had plenty to eat, we spent time together, we had some great talks with the kids while we walked places to save gas etc. It wasn't the horrible miserable experience I had expected.

 

And somehow the money was always there when we really did have to buy this thing or pay that bill. God did provide everything we needed when we NEEDED it (just not always when we WANTED it).

 

The whole experience really taught me to spend my time and energy (including mental energy) on those things I had control over and to let go of the things I couldn't control.

Thank you. I really have been using that approach because since Thanksgiving my dh has been more or less hiding bills and what his actual pay has been.

[mom2scouts]

:grouphug: We're in the same position. My husband has been unemployed for several months and due to an error, he's only received one unemployment check. We only have a couple hundred dollars in our account right now and my dh is dumpster diving for scrap metal just to pay the bills.:001_unsure:

[LucyStoner]

Is it $400 a month or $400 every 2 weeks? Doesn't that drop him below the minimum wage if he is working fulltime? At least in my state, commission only jobs are not exempt from the minimum wage. Something smells fishy about this job.

 

What are his skills? I think it is time to start looking for other work. He would do better money wise delivering pizzas. I would also see about getting any assistance you qualify for.

[Just Kate]

First, let me give you a great big :grouphug:. I have been in your shoes SO. MANY. TIMES. and it is scary. Looking back, there are so many things I could have (should have?) done differently. I agree with the others about trying not to add to his stress. He feels awful and he knows you are scared. Reminding him doesn't help (ask me how I know!).

 

My dh was in sales for our entire marriage. He wasn't great at it and went job to job. We struggled because although he has former military experience and a college degree, his degree is in liberal arts and really did nothing for him. During his last bout of unemployment, he hit "rock bottom" (as he called it) and went to a temp agency to look for work. My dh is a proud guy, so this was hard for him (months earlier he was wearing suits and meeting with executives). Amazingly, God provided during our time of need and dh has a permanent job now that is PERFECT for him. He would have never found this industry on his own.

 

That's not to say that life is perfect. Its not and we are still paying for all of the time that he was out of work before. But I just want to suggest that if you are a believer, to lean on God. He is there for you.

 

And try to be kind to your husband. I know how stressed you are. It really stinks. I will pray for your family. :grouphug:

[purplejackmama]

Its so tough, we have been living underemployed for 4 years. My husband owned a very successful construction company when the bubble burst. We have literally lost everything. But still we try to keep going, for the kids really. Some days I doubt either of us would/could get out of bed were it not for the pitter patter of tiny feet.

 

No advice, just know you are not alone. :grouphug:

[2_girls_mommy]

No you are not alone. We have had a crazy run of unemployment, self employment, and underemployment over the last 8 yrs as well. Before that dh had a great job with the same company for many years. It has been a roller coaster ride.

[besroma]

:grouphug:

[jennynd]

Is it $400 a month or $400 every 2 weeks? Doesn't that drop him below the minimum wage if he is working fulltime? At least in my state, commission only jobs are not exempt from the minimum wage. Something smells fishy about this job.

 

What are his skills? I think it is time to start looking for other work. He would do better money wise delivering pizzas. I would also see about getting any assistance you qualify for.

that is what i thought too. Is that even legal??

[Liz CA]

Is it $400 a month or $400 every 2 weeks? Doesn't that drop him below the minimum wage if he is working fulltime? At least in my state, commission only jobs are not exempt from the minimum wage. Something smells fishy about this job.

 

What are his skills? I think it is time to start looking for other work. He would do better money wise delivering pizzas. I would also see about getting any assistance you qualify for.

 

Thinking the same thing. Someone told us recently that he is retraining and that the state paid for it because he was over fifty and his job was eliminated (outsourced to China) which may not be the case with your dh's job but definitely encourage him to look for a second job or another job all together. Is there something the two of you can do together on weekends or evenings?

[Mynyel]

Is it $400 a month or $400 every 2 weeks? Doesn't that drop him below the minimum wage if he is working fulltime? At least in my state, commission only jobs are not exempt from the minimum wage. Something smells fishy about this job.

 

What are his skills? I think it is time to start looking for other work. He would do better money wise delivering pizzas. I would also see about getting any assistance you qualify for.

 

Thinking the same thing. Someone told us recently that he is retraining and that the state paid for it because he was over fifty and his job was eliminated (outsourced to China) which may not be the case with your dh's job but definitely encourage him to look for a second job or another job all together. Is there something the two of you can do together on weekends or evenings?

 

I think it depends on the state. If she is in GA or WY them minimum wage is $5.15 an hour and that equal out to just over 400 every two weeks.

 

That sucks. Certainly look for another job, shoot even if your making minimum wage from another job at least they would be up front about it.

 

Source: http://www.dol.gov/whd/minwage/america.htm

[indigomama]

We just went through unemployment last summer (our 3rd stint in the last 8 years). It is very hard and stressful. One thing that God really pressed on me this go around was that I shouldn't worry about the tomorrows only deal with today. In the past I was always thinking ahead and trying to figure out how to pay this bill next week and that really big bill next month etc and would worry myself sick.

 

So this last go around I change my approach because obviously the other approach didn't really work. I cut all spending to the bone, meaning if I didn't need it TODAY, I didn't buy it. (I will say that I live very close to many stores, so having to go out to a store to pick up something tomorrow would take time but not much gas money and actually we started walking everywhere we reasonably could, if you leave way out in the country this may not work for you). If there was still milk in the fridge for today, I didn't buy any even if we'd be out tomorrow. My son's tennis shoes separated from the sole. It was summer he could wear sandals, tennis shoes didn't get replaced. Everything was subject to the TODAY test. Bill due tomorrow and no money, don't THINK about it, it's not TODAY'S problem.

 

Basically I learned to live and think in the here and now. And as crazy as it may sound, I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I no longer had my stomach in knots with worry about the what ifs. I learned we could do without a lot more things than I ever thought possible when I learned to say no to everything. And we were not deprived, we had plenty to eat, we spent time together, we had some great talks with the kids while we walked places to save gas etc. It wasn't the horrible miserable experience I had expected.

 

And somehow the money was always there when we really did have to buy this thing or pay that bill. God did provide everything we needed when we NEEDED it (just not always when we WANTED it).

 

The whole experience really taught me to spend my time and energy (including mental energy) on those things I had control over and to let go of the things I couldn't control.

 

Thank you for this! I needed to hear this today!

 

My DH has been working two jobs and going to school full-time for 6 years ( and things were still crazy tight) and I kept thinking everything will bee better when he finishes.

Well he finished and things are way worse. I am so tired of worrying and I have not been very encouraging lately. But, I can do one day at a time.

 

To the OP, we're here with you:grouphug:

[Mama Anna]

From our experience, I'd recommend:

 

If he's willing to see someone about depression, do it. The longer he waits, the deeper he's likely to go.

 

Dh constantly struggles with feeling like "less of a man" because of his job and his income. One of my jobs is to make him feel like the man I see him to be. I can do this by asking/allowing him to rescue me from overly difficult situations such as asking for his help when I'm in the middle of changing a horrible diaper, one dd is crying from hurting herself, and the other is howling out of emotional angst or something. If I just let myself be vulnerable and holler for help (as opposed to accusing him of making me do it all myself or something) and then verbally appreciate him for rescuing me, it really blesses him. Another way is by suggesting . . . tea. Maybe even being rather insistent about it. In our experience, that can be difficult when he's suffering from depression, but it sure helps a lot! :D

 

We've only suffered the communication wall for an extended period once. It almost killed us! If counseling is an option, I'd recommend it for that, too. Meanwhile, I'd just pray for love, grace, and stamina. I hurt for you, there!

 

Finally, one thing that helped me was sort of weird. When we unexpectedly lost his job and were totally without employment with a 2yo and one on the way I found comfort in the realization that it wasn't forever. Something would have to change. Either dh would get a job and we'd be able to meet our obligations in some way or we'd have to leave our apartment and stay in the homeless shelter, disposing of most of our possessions in the process. The strain of "Maybe this will be the one - Nooooooooo! - Doesn't anyone ever read his resume? - How much lower can we go?" won't last forever. Somehow (and if this isn't helpful, just forget you read it) identifying what seemed the lowest point we could get to and realizing we'd still be alive freed me from some of the worst of my fears.

 

In any case, you are sooooooooo not alone.

 

:grouphug:

 

Mama Anna

[black_midori]

I think it depends on the state. If she is in GA or WY them minimum wage is $5.15 an hour and that equal out to just over 400 every two weeks.

 

Source: http://www.dol.gov/whd/minwage/america.htm

 

Where there is both a Federal minimum wage & a state minimum wage, "the higher standard applies" - this means that states can go ABOVE federal no problem, but if they go below then federal applies.

 

There are, however, many permutations that affect what a person is "required" to be paid. If, for instance, you are considered an independent contractor then there are no minimum wage requirements (as you are not an employee). There are also exemptions for certain types of people from things like overtime pay (including commissioned sales employees in certain retail industries, but subject to various criteria).

 

If you genuinely think he is being under-paid (not underemployed, but legally speaking under-paid), then you should review the guidelines & determine what steps can be taken.

 

However - people need to be aware that a lot of businesses are barely treading water. It can take very little to tip them over and send every employee into the unemployed realm. Sometimes the people involved are genuinely NOT trying to harm their employees, and they are NOT trying to violate labor laws - they just are skirting the edge of what they believe they are legally able to do in an attempt to stay afloat.

[Embassy]

:grouphug:

[funschooler5]

OP, you are not alone. :grouphug:

 

Wow, I lived your post, except dh was self-employed and jobs were sssllllooowww. Then his health went kaput and he had to find a job.

 

EL, I could have written *your* post! We had to close our business of 15 years last fall because it was so slow. Then DH ended up in the emergency room and we racked up $12k worth of bills. He was able to get a temporary job (with no health insurance) but that ends next month. He's miserable dealing with his chronic illness, and comes home and lays down every night. Even with his medications (which cost us $200/mth) he's miserable. Add to that the fact that I'm in my 3rd trimester and also miserable, and we just commiserate together every night. All we can do is try to watch a funny show and laugh. We're pretty good about laughing together, especially about our situation. I mean, it just seems to get worse and worse and sometimes you just have to laugh. :tongue_smilie:

 

We just went through unemployment last summer (our 3rd stint in the last 8 years). It is very hard and stressful. One thing that God really pressed on me this go around was that I shouldn't worry about the tomorrows only deal with today. In the past I was always thinking ahead and trying to figure out how to pay this bill next week and that really big bill next month etc and would worry myself sick.

 

The whole experience really taught me to spend my time and energy (including mental energy) on those things I had control over and to let go of the things I couldn't control.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I'm in charge of paying the bills. More often than not, I'm in tears by the time I'm finished. We absolutely do not have enough money to pay all of our bills every month. My priorities have changed to keeping the utilities on and basic food in the house. I cannot do anything about the bills in the future. I can only pay what I can today.

 

I think we might be further down than some, because the last year of having our business we were basically living off of credit cards. Not smart, I know, but I think I fooled myself into thinking we were making more than we were. Besides that, we were stuck. Last month we had to miss payments on two of our cards. I honestly have no idea what we are going to do this month. We get our tax refund in the next few weeks, but most of that will go to our midwife, and a bare minimum of baby supplies (we had no baby stuff saved, as this pregnancy was a surprise)

 

Well, at least we're not alone. :grouphug:

[i.love.lucy]

Oh no, not alone at all.

 

My dh lost his job in December after a 4.5 year stint there. Before that he was a freelancer, so we got quickly used to the regular and (what seemed to us) generous paycheck. Now it seems there is no way he will make what he made...that is if there were any jobs.

 

I am reflecting on the encouragement in this thread. :grouphug: We've been in quite a tough patch emotionally. I get so worried and paralyzed in anticipation of what will happen. But that is clearly not solving any problems and it's not bringing me closer to God.

 

I want to do more of what another poster said and that is to focus on today. Today I have a car with gas in it. Today I have food in my pantry. Today I have shelter. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know God's plan in all of this. I pray every day for wisdom and peace. I pray for His provision. I pray for my husband.

 

This has been so hard on him. He's so worried about providing for his family. When he's feeling optimistic I think he sees this as a possible chance to really change things, to pursue his dreams. But I am so practical and can't help but think that dreams take time and money...two things we don't have. He has to do something for a while to finance the dream. But there are no jobs it seems.

 

I struggle with how to be an encourager. It's very hard to be the wife at home and I would tell you to cut yourself some slack. If you are like me, you are doing ALL the housework, childcare, homeschooling, shopping, cooking, everything. And then on top of all of that you feel that you have to be there for him, emotionally and physically. It's very hard. I wonder if when this is all done I will be able to collapse for a while.

 

I will be praying for you and the others that have shared in this thread. I'm scared. I'm tired. Thank you for opening up and starting a thread that I needed to read tonight. :grouphug:

[Dobela]

Is it $400 a month or $400 every 2 weeks? Doesn't that drop him below the minimum wage if he is working fulltime? At least in my state, commission only jobs are not exempt from the minimum wage. Something smells fishy about this job.

 

What are his skills? I think it is time to start looking for other work. He would do better money wise delivering pizzas. I would also see about getting any assistance you qualify for.

We are in Arkansas. He is paid 2x a month. In January that totaled $1100, this month is will approximately total $800. I don't know if it is legal or not, but his employeer is certainly not being up front about anything. Not even when cornered. Part of my problem has been getting dh to open up enough for me to help or give him direction sometimes. Dh made copies of his pay stubs so I could begin applying for assistance and I discovered today that federal taxes haven't been taken from his pay so far this year either. Yeah, it sounds fishy. And I have said it from the beginning. I also found out another employeer hasn't received her W2 yet. She didn't realize she was supposed to receive it before now. One part that disgusts me to no end is that the current employer actually bought the business from my dad.

 

He has not looked for a second job and has so far asked me to not look for one either. My dd has multiple special needs and honestly, I don't think I could take on a night job and actually survive. At one point he claims I said I didn't want him to find another job because the kids wouldn't see him. I didn't say that! I really think he is feeling like he will eventually wake up from a dream or something. He is gullable, honest, loyal... and it is absolutely backfiring job wise right now.

From our experience, I'd recommend:

 

If he's willing to see someone about depression, do it. The longer he waits, the deeper he's likely to go.

 

Dh constantly struggles with feeling like "less of a man" because of his job and his income. One of my jobs is to make him feel like the man I see him to be. I can do this by asking/allowing him to rescue me from overly difficult situations such as asking for his help when I'm in the middle of changing a horrible diaper, one dd is crying from hurting herself, and the other is howling out of emotional angst or something. If I just let myself be vulnerable and holler for help (as opposed to accusing him of making me do it all myself or something) and then verbally appreciate him for rescuing me, it really blesses him. Another way is by suggesting . . . tea. Maybe even being rather insistent about it. In our experience, that can be difficult when he's suffering from depression, but it sure helps a lot! :D

 

We've only suffered the communication wall for an extended period once. It almost killed us! If counseling is an option, I'd recommend it for that, too. Meanwhile, I'd just pray for love, grace, and stamina. I hurt for you, there!

 

Finally, one thing that helped me was sort of weird. When we unexpectedly lost his job and were totally without employment with a 2yo and one on the way I found comfort in the realization that it wasn't forever. Something would have to change. Either dh would get a job and we'd be able to meet our obligations in some way or we'd have to leave our apartment and stay in the homeless shelter, disposing of most of our possessions in the process. The strain of "Maybe this will be the one - Nooooooooo! - Doesn't anyone ever read his resume? - How much lower can we go?" won't last forever. Somehow (and if this isn't helpful, just forget you read it) identifying what seemed the lowest point we could get to and realizing we'd still be alive freed me from some of the worst of my fears.

 

In any case, you are sooooooooo not alone.

 

:grouphug:

 

Mama Anna

Thank you. I started pushing dh to see someone about depression today. Honestly, if he doesn't start doing something soon it may be too late for us. I also think that I need counseling, and that we need couples counseling to get thru this, and said so again today, but I don't know how motivated he is yet. I have also been saying for months that he needs to find a mentor, or some one out side of the family to help him set goals, follow thru, and just be accountable to other than me.

 

I am also afraid he is focusing on his past failures rather than seeing them as a learning point to grow from. At one point today he was willing to listen and I pointed out all the resources he may have access to for help. I hope that he spends some time next week actually following thru.

 

I struggle with how to be an encourager. It's very hard to be the wife at home and I would tell you to cut yourself some slack. If you are like me, you are doing ALL the housework, childcare, homeschooling, shopping, cooking, everything. And then on top of all of that you feel that you have to be there for him, emotionally and physically. It's very hard. I wonder if when this is all done I will be able to collapse for a while.

I am exhausted. I told him I was exhausted. My dd has some health and learning issues that are being evaled at the Children's Hospital. She has a second MRI scheduled for next week and a myriad of other appointments in the weeks to come. Both kids have special learning issues. I could go on for a very long time about the hard time I am having with my son right now. I want to encourage, to be there, to be the happy wife - and honestly I have been trying that for months. But when I see no changes, no response in him, and it keeps getting worse, well, I must not be doing something right. Finally about 2 weeks ago I just broke down and had a raving lunatic kind of a weekend from all the built up stress and frustration. I hate that I did it, it was far from pretty, but you know what? He has kind of taken notice that I am serious about the communication improving and all that. Oh, I don't know. I can deal with this being the new normal if we can work as a team somehow. But I feel like we are still sinking in the abyss.

[joannqn]

My husband pointed out that there is some sort of payment contract involved in commissioned jobs and the employer can't just up and change that contract without notice.

 

The employer should be in big trouble for not taking out the federal taxes. He said is sounds like he's not paying payroll taxes.

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

Dh is self employed and we feast or famine. It is very, very stressful. No advice...just:grouphug:S

[Desert Rat]

Dh is a piece worker now after 16 months of being laid off. Right now, it's famine. Thank goodness for a decent tax return.

It's been 1 year this week that he's been back to work. I posted this here his first day back. I hope it helps you.

 

10 Things I Learned After 16 Months of Being Laid Off

 

1. I'm stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

2. When challenged, my boys have become unselfish, appreciative, and truly grateful for the

things they have and work hard to get them. I am so proud of them.

3. We need far less than what we have. (And people will buy anything!)

4. Accepting help is not weakness.

5. I am grateful to live near great libraries, beautiful parks, good friends, and family who

love us.

6. We have tried to live our lives with kindness, compassion, and generosity. It has been

returned to us tenfold.

7. Worrying does not change the outcome. I'm not sure how I did it, but I figured out how

to put that burden of worry down. And not worrying hasn't changed the outcome either.

8. Winston Churchill had it right. “If you’re going through hell, don’t stop.†I live by that.

9. We are closer, happier, and my marriage is stronger than I ever thought we could be.

8. I never, ever, ever want to go through this again.

 

My husband starts his new job today. His self esteem is in shreds and the future is uncertain. It's all sort of surreal and we can't believe he has a job so we haven't really told anyone. I hope he has a good day today. I hope he realizes his worth. I hope, I hope, I hope.

 

We made it! And we're going to be alright. I feel like this is the first deep breath I've taken in over a year. It feels good.

 

One year later, his self esteem is slowly building. He has lost 40 pounds and because he's no longer in management, he's grown his hair long like when we were first together. He's a worker bee so his stress is a bit less, although right now with no pieces to work we're a little strained. The boys are still awesome. For example, allowances are on hold right now and they completely get it. We just roll with it. And I still haven't picked up that worry habit again.

Things work out. They really do. And it will be okay.

[Oakblossoms]

I just had to send my husband to another state. He finally has a job.

 

It is hard. My biggest advice is I wish I had been very upfront about my feelings from the beginning. We have both spent a lot of time trying to skirt around issues. I was considering extreme measures in the last few months. i broke down to my SIL and she told me she had no idea how bad it was getting. I wish I had took her aside and told her when I started feeling bad. I just thought I could fake it for awhile.

 

Do you have support like family or a church? Have you applied for food assistance?

 

If he isn't looking, I would tell him you will be looking for you.

 

I am taking it one day at a time. I keep a check list of what needs to be done today.

[NicAnn]

Yep, you are not alone. :grouphug:

 

For us, I have to call Dh out on his attitude a lot. He's given me "permission" to do this because he has seen how it helps him. Sometimes I just say to him, things suck...but at least we paid the bills this month (or whatever accomplishment we've done). I've even told him that his attitude stinks and it needs to change. For us it works, but that's we are very open with each other and grounded in those ways. For others it may not work.

On my own side, I try and keep positive no matter what. I polly-anna it up if I have to, because I see that 1 persons view can sully the whole day.

 

Good luck everyone! This is draining, but I know we can all make it through!

[ereks mom]

Is your dh searching for another job? I hope he is.

As for the emotional drain. It is a difficult thing to get through. My dh went into severe depression right after our dd was born and he lost his job. He was out of work for just about the first year of her life. I can't say I was the best wife during this period. Working full time and taking care of 2 kids. Yes, even though he was home all day job hunting I still did everything. And I mean everything. It was a very bitter time for me. The aftermath of this period affected our marriage for at least another 6 years.

 

All you can do is try to make the home environment pleasant and take care of yourself. People who are dealing with depression often do not see how bad it is and how it is affecting those around them. He needs to go to the doctor (and it will probably not be easy to get him there). My dh went on Welbutrin eventually and to be honest it is what saved our marriage.

 

Ageeing with the bolded. When my dh is unemployed or underemployed--and it has been one or the other of these for pretty much the entirety of our almost 32-year marriage--I find that my bitterness is one of my biggest enemies. To overcome it, I had to first get to a point that I realized that I even was bitter. Then I had to deal with that bitterness in myself. I did that through prayer. It took a long time, but I distincly remember the day that I had my biggest breakthrough. The breakthrough was the realization that although I was hurting, dh was hurting just as much; it wasn't all about ME. I had to realize that dh & I were "in this together" and instead of being angry with him, I needed to help US fight the problem TOGETHER.

 

Security is a HUGE emotional need for women. In the lean times, our security is threatened, so we panic. We become anxious, and we tend to want to blame someone. For me as a SAHM, the only person I could blame was my dh. But we are a married couple; what affects one of us affects BOTH of us. And just as dh's employment situation affected me, my attitude affected him. The first thing I had to do in overcoming my bitterness and my desire to blame dh was to realize that my provision does not come from my dh--not his job, not the bank account. Instead, it comes from the Lord. And I know that He has plans for me, for my family, "plans to prosper...and not to harm...to give...hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). My job was not to worry or to try to "fix" things, but to do the best I could in my role as wife and mother, and to trust God. I made the most of the very little money available for household expenses (and I still do, although for right now, dh's paychecks aren't nearly as meager as they used to be, and God has blessed me with tutoring jobs), and I loved my dh and children in spite of the lack of money. Love is free, and we had/have plenty of that. :) I kept things at home as "normal" as possible. I cooked good (if cheap) meals, we played together, and we prayed together. Most of all, we prayed for God's peace and provision, and He blessed us with both.

Edited February 11, 2012 by ereks mom

[ereks mom]

Wow, I lived your post, except dh was self-employed and jobs were sssllllooowww. Then his health went kaput and he had to find a job.

 

I cried in the bathroom a lot. We applied for food assistance and got it. As humbling as it was, it was nice to know that we didn't need to worry about food with a teen in the house.

 

My dh is also 51, no degree, and considered returning to school. His health won't allow it, he couldn't handle the workload.

 

I applied for a few Internet jobs and got turned down, nice boost to self-esteem :glare:

 

I live in the day-to-day. I take care of what I can, some days that is just me and school.

 

I did my best to not blame dh, I kept the stress at a minimum when he was at home. I didn't discuss bad things on the news or about school.

 

I didn't discuss our woes with everyone. There are a select few people that know everything. But I needed a confidante, so I didn't explode or melt.

 

I also didn't want to hear that everything will be all right, or just pray and God will make it all better. Maybe that's pessimistic, but whatever. Sometimes things change and it isn't always for the better. Things are still not all "all right", things are different. We're still getting used to a new normal.

 

I'm not helping am I? :grouphug:

I faked smiles and conversation through many meals. I assumed the role of happy wife, because I knew dh couldn't handle anything else, and I needed some peace. Some days I reached down inside to find my own strength, some days I had to lean on others.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree: I didn't read your post before I posted my own response, but I could've written much of what you said. I'm bolding the things that describe our situation too. My dh is the same age as yours, but he does have a degree, and he doesn't have health problems (that I know of, although he does need to lose weight, get more exercise, and reduce stress).

[HSMom2One]

You are absolutely not alone. Our family has gone through a long series of ups and downs due to dh's employment over a period of ten, yes TEN, years. He has been displaced twice during that time for reasons beyond his control. There was a shift in the economy with massive layoffs in high tech that affected us twice. After being out of work for 9 months and then another 12 months 3 years later, dh finally just gave up on staying in the industry, letting all of his skills and education fall behind in the wind of technology. After a rough time discovering what to do next, he finally landed upon commercial driving and became a trucker. Even that was tough because he'd get laid off every winter, but he was determined to make it work. Then finally last year he had a minor stroke while driving a semi which resulted in losing his medical card from the DOT, taking him permanently out of driving and into a much lower paying job with the same employer. That was bad enough....but now he just got laid off again. At the age of 59 he just doesn't know what to do. For the first time in a decade, he's seriously thinking about going back to school or finding a retraining opportunity of some kind. We're even looking at relocating to another region next year. Big changes once again due to a desperation to find steady income and stability for the family!

 

Through all that has happened to us, I have continued to work part-time jobs while caring for my elderly mother and hs'ing our dd. Those jobs of mine that were intended to pay off debts and help us get ahead have instead been sources of income we have had to rely upon. Humanly speaking, I've fought bitterness from time to time, but the thing that keeps me going is my deep faith in God. I cannot even imagine living this life without a relationship with the Lord that is real and personal. Dh shares that faith, and our marriage has remained intact because together we have never lost hope. We've been through a lot this past decade, but we continue to survive and keep going because we have a strong foundation.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

Edited February 11, 2012 by HSMom2One

[A.Balaban]

My DH got fired a year ago. He has not been able to find a single well-paying job. Most places around here are manufacturing, and they will not hire him without experience. He got a job at Sears over the holidays, it was supposed to be permanent and full-time hours. He never got more than 8 hrs/week and they fired him the week after Christmas for no reason.

 

I worked at a large store until recently, but I quit for personal reasons. It was a bad financial decision to quit a job that had relatively stable hours, and now we face going broke within the next couple months. But, in my defense, my entire household was falling apart with me working full-time and going to school. (My DH is NOT a housekeeper) and I didn't realize until I quit how much it was affecting me.

 

So, lots of :grouphug::grouphug: to everyone here who is struggling with unemployment and underemployment. I keep praying that a better job is just around the corner.

[stripe]

We are in Arkansas. He is paid 2x a month. In January that totaled $1100, this month is will approximately total $800. I don't know if it is legal or not, but his employeer is certainly not being up front about anything. Not even when cornered. Part of my problem has been getting dh to open up enough for me to help or give him direction sometimes. Dh made copies of his pay stubs so I could begin applying for assistance and I discovered today that federal taxes haven't been taken from his pay so far this year either. Yeah, it sounds fishy. And I have said it from the beginning.

 

This is likely because the salary is too low. Is he having state, soc sec, medicare taken out?

 

:grouphug: otherwise

[CalicoKat]

Some days you don't and you allow yourself crash.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Momma H]

Yup. Similar situation here.

[i.love.lucy]

Resurrecting this old thread from last month to check in on those of us in these difficult circumstances. Anyone have good news to share? We are still unemployed and it almost seems more grim as each week passes, but I am trying not to focus on that. :(

 

:grouphug:

[Oakblossoms]

My husband has a job but he is living a few states away now. So, yeah we have money. But, we don't get to see each other. I need to decide by May if I will be staying in this area or moving closer to him. We cannot afford the town he lives in, so we would still be close to 4 hours from him. my parents need to sell this home, so we have to move anyway.

[happypamama]

We just went through unemployment last summer (our 3rd stint in the last 8 years). It is very hard and stressful. One thing that God really pressed on me this go around was that I shouldn't worry about the tomorrows only deal with today. In the past I was always thinking ahead and trying to figure out how to pay this bill next week and that really big bill next month etc and would worry myself sick.

 

So this last go around I change my approach because obviously the other approach didn't really work. I cut all spending to the bone, meaning if I didn't need it TODAY, I didn't buy it. (I will say that I live very close to many stores, so having to go out to a store to pick up something tomorrow would take time but not much gas money and actually we started walking everywhere we reasonably could, if you leave way out in the country this may not work for you). If there was still milk in the fridge for today, I didn't buy any even if we'd be out tomorrow. My son's tennis shoes separated from the sole. It was summer he could wear sandals, tennis shoes didn't get replaced. Everything was subject to the TODAY test. Bill due tomorrow and no money, don't THINK about it, it's not TODAY'S problem.

 

Basically I learned to live and think in the here and now. And as crazy as it may sound, I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I no longer had my stomach in knots with worry about the what ifs. I learned we could do without a lot more things than I ever thought possible when I learned to say no to everything. And we were not deprived, we had plenty to eat, we spent time together, we had some great talks with the kids while we walked places to save gas etc. It wasn't the horrible miserable experience I had expected.

 

And somehow the money was always there when we really did have to buy this thing or pay that bill. God did provide everything we needed when we NEEDED it (just not always when we WANTED it).

 

The whole experience really taught me to spend my time and energy (including mental energy) on those things I had control over and to let go of the things I couldn't control.

 

Can I just tell you "thank you" for posting this? I hadn't seen it before, but it was exactly what I needed to read *today.* :)

[She Reads a Lot]

Can I just tell you "thank you" for posting this? I hadn't seen it before, but it was exactly what I needed to read *today.* :)

 

Hear hear. We're just at the beginning of "oh my gosh--how are we going to pay the bills?" b/c hubby was too efficient and worked himself out of work. It sucks. I guess that pretty much sums it up.

 

Sorry I don't have good news to add to the thread.

Christina

[Ellie]

I posted last week that Mr. Ellie has a job, after a year of unemployment. We were getting $814 every two weeks in unemployement benefits. Praise God that we do not have a house payment or a car payment. As it is, I have a very close, intimate relationship with Wells Fargo and Visa :glare:. I'll be making girnormous payments for the next few months...and praise God that I will able to do that.

 

We had begun using a free clinic operated by my church; Mr. Ellie had just found out that he was eligible for some services from the VA but hadn't completed the enrollment process. He won't qualify now because his new job comes with medical. Yay.

[CalicoKat]

:grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry, we've slogged through un- and under-employment for so many years, I'm just dragged down by it. :grouphug:

[mom2scouts]

I wish I knew the answer to that. My dh has been unemployed for almost 7 months now and he's still not getting unemployment checks because they've totally messed up his claim. We've pulled out most of the money we thought we would use for retirement. There won't be a retirement for us and dh is already in his 50's.:bigear: I guess there's nothing new in my update.

[Mama Lynx]

My husband has a job but he is living a few states away now. So, yeah we have money. But, we don't get to see each other. I need to decide by May if I will be staying in this area or moving closer to him. We cannot afford the town he lives in, so we would still be close to 4 hours from him. my parents need to sell this home, so we have to move anyway.

 

We are in the same boat, right now. After three unemployments in four years, dh has taken a job in another state. He likes it, he believes that it's stable, has growth potential, it's in a lower cost of living area - so we're preparing to move out to where he is, even though none of us want to.

[readinmom]

Let your dh know that he is loved and is worthy. The loss of self-worth during this time period can be disheartening. It's important for all of you to let him know that he is still #1.

 

We have been going through this for the past 2 1/2 years. DH is overqualified, undereducated (:glare:) to get a similar position. It has been rough on us financially and emotionally. Some days are great, and other days you hardly feel like getting out of bed. All I can say is that it's our love for one another that keeps it all together.

 

We have exhausted the unemployment benefits, faced some serious financial setbacks, and have learned to do without all of the things we used to take for granted.

 

:grouphug:

[Lucy the Valiant]

I'm awake at 3:43 am because I'm worried sick about DH's unemployment - we're going on 2 years here, and have only been surviving because we've tapped into his retirement fund. :(

 

I used to think that unemployed people were either lazy, uneducated, or shiftless. (prejudiced of me, I know, but true)

 

I now watch my hard-working masters-degree-educated never-late-in-his-life husband saw tires in half to salvage the rims for scrap metal. :( He has applied for every job lead that has come our way; he has applied to work at Target and Wal-Mart as a cashier, for crying out loud; he has been willing to relocate to another state, and still - nothing.

 

I have no idea what we're going to do, and it's scary.

 

I, too, am trying very hard to focus on the here and now . . . I appreciate the advice in this thread, and the determined spirit.