Does this bother you? Should I be annoyed? Are you punctual?

[JulieH]

Ok. If you are invited over for dinner to someone's house for dinner and cake to celebrate your birthday, and oh, I don't know...you decide on 4pm. Ok! See you at 4pm!

 

What time does 4pm mean to you?

 

Knowing my guest is a little flighty, I texted her this morning to confirm and said "We all can't wait to see you! Are you still coming today at 4?" No reply.

 

At 3:50pm she calls. I said, all cheerfully, while rolling meatballs and setting the table "Hi!! Still coming?" She replies cheerfully "yes! if you want me!" to which I reply "of course we do! Can't wait! Where are you?" (thinking she's on her way)

 

She replies that she's at home (an hour away) "why? what time am I supposed to be there?" uhhhhmmmmmmm....ok...LOL

 

I said "oh..I thought we had decided on 4" (so ok, really, I did not "think" we had decided on 4...we DID decide on 4 and she confirmed it in our conversation the other day) So she says "ok..I'm going to take a shower and will be there in an hour or so. Translate: 90 minutes to 2 hours.

 

Not a huge deal. It really isn't. It would be a huge deal if she cancelled because she is the kids' old nanny and our previous housekeeper who's been with us for 7 years and they have their hearts set on seeing her.

 

I have nothing else to do. We got a cake and I'm making a nice dinner.

 

It's just the principal of the matter. I don't know.

 

When someone invites me over to their house...whether it be someone I don't know well, a good friend, or even close family, and they say a specific time, I generally wouldn't dream of calling 10 minutes beforehand and saying "still expecting me? what time am I supposed to be there?" errrrrrr It's just not good etiquette! I am not at ALL in any way, shape or form a formal person. I just know that when I'm expecting dinner guests I wouldn't dream of having them show up and saying "oh yeah..just trying to think of what to serve you" or "go sit in the living room...gotta shower" LOL

 

My husband's family is like this and after 14 years, I literally barely cook for them anymore. I just do take out or cook out and we eat when we eat because I got so upset planning a nice dinner for them only to wait around for literally hours for everyone to show up. I made a big leg of lamb dinner for Easter specifically for SIL who never called or showed up after saying she was definitely coming!

 

I think my husband thinks I'm too uptight over it. (yeah..he doesn't have to cook, clean, prepare the table etc...) I just think it's really bad manners to not show up someplace at the time you said you would (unless of course there's a reason or you called ahead to cancel), or to disregard times etc.

 

What do you think? Do you have any friends or family members like this? Are YOU like this? If so, do you think it's acceptable to just show up whenever you feel like it even if a specific time was given to you, and if so, why?

[QueenCat]

What do you think? Do you have any friends or family members like this? Are YOU like this? If so, do you think it's acceptable to just show up whenever you feel like it even if a specific time was given to you, and if so, why?

 

I think you have a right to be upset. Barring an emergency, I am at someone's house within 15 minutes of the time set, unless it is an "open house" type party. An emergency is not something that occurs due to a lack of planning. When my kids were infants/toddlers, I was still on time because I planned for all those last minute things that happen with little ones. Drives me crazy when people are late on a regular basis, or when they don't bother to call and say they're running late, and I'm sitting somewhere waiting.

[*Inna*]

My husband's family is like this. I've learned to deal with it and make a time allowance. If we agree on people coming at 4, I would be planning for at least 5 o'clock.

 

I drove me crazy in the past, now I just roll my eyes and go on. Some people don't have time perception or aren't willing to change their ways.

[Cassy]

You're not uptight. You're right. It's terribly bad manners, and if it were me they'd never be invited to my home again.

 

Cassy

[clementine]

I am one of those people that is annoyingly punctual. Always on time, if not 5 minutes early. I am usually the one waiting...it doesn't bother me if someone is 10 min. late or so, but after that it starts to bug me. :glare:

[kalanamak]

I am punctual. I once had a bf ready to call for help when I was 15 minutes late (an urgent call had delayed me).

 

I like people being punctual. The really not-punctual (like this case) I either forget about ever planning anything with, or I have others over, and if they come late, who cares.

 

People are sometimes unpunctual, so I try not to have the meal ready until they are there.

 

I admit such events lower my estimation of a person. I obviously respect punctuality because I go out of my way to display it. And, IME, the grossly lah-di-dah about time tend to be the same with possessions, reputations, and the truth. Notice I say *tend*.

[PeacefulChaos]

I agree with you.

[Jenny in Florida]

Yes, I am punctual. I didn't grow up in a family that valued the trait and taught myself as an adult.

 

Yes, that would annoy me. A lot.

 

However, be careful. The last time we had a thread about punctuality, those of us who assume it's polite to show up on time got read the riot act. Apparently, we're all small-minded, uptight people.

[MrsBasil]

It would bother me. Quite a bit. If my DH's family was all that way and it didn't bother him? He could the do the planning and cooking!

 

I'm not like this, neither is my DH, or any of our family or close friends.

[melissel]

I'm perpetually running late, so I'm very forgiving of others' lateness. But I'd still be pretty upset about that!

 

I will say that texting me is not a good way to get my attention. If I don't hear my phone make the noise, I have no idea I got a text and may never see it. You'd have to call me if you were trying to confirm for sure or remind me.

 

That said, though, I think you have a right to be upset. I've learned, though, that some people just view time differently than others. It's kind of like "island time," where people are just used to showing up whenever. My DH's family isn't like that, but many of their friends and family are, and it blows my mind every time they show up for Thanksgiving dinner two hours after we've all finished eating. It doesn't faze my completely chill MIL, though, so I try not to let it bother me!

 

I'm sorry that happened to you all :grouphug:

[tammyw]

We are punctual. That would make me so mad!

[JulieH]

Yes, I am punctual. I didn't grow up in a family that valued the trait and taught myself as an adult.

 

Yes, that would annoy me. A lot.

 

However, be careful. The last time we had a thread about punctuality, those of us who assume it's polite to show up on time got read the riot act. Apparently, we're all small-minded, uptight people.

 

Oh dear!:ohmy:

[Beatusduo]

[What time does 4pm mean to you?

]

4:00 means 3:45 to me. I always run a little early. However, I would never arrive too early and have it be an inconvenience.

 

Some people perpetually run late. I find that over time I tend to steer away from them and/or stop inviting them. It is less stressful if I avoid the situation. I am not going to change them anymore then they are going to change me.

[5forMe]

It's incredibly rude.

[Lacie]

It would bother me if someone did that to me. We also have a few people we know that show up really early. We invite them to show up at 2 pm and they show up at noon or before. I don't understand it. Sorry your friend is being rude.

[Word Nerd]

If she were going to be 20 minutes late, it would be no big deal at all. Two hours is just rude. How are you supposed to even know when to have the meal ready if she just gives you a vague time and essentially says she'll leave whenever she's ready? (BTW, I'm a P on the MBTI and by no means a Type A personality.)

[JulieH]

If she were going to be 20 minutes late, it would be no big deal at all. Two hours is just rude. How are you supposed to even know when to have the meal ready if she just gives you a vague time and essentially says she'll leave whenever she's ready? (BTW, I'm a P on the MBTI and by no means a Type A personality.)

 

Exactly!

[Ellyndria]

What do you think? Do you have any friends or family members like this? Are YOU like this? If so, do you think it's acceptable to just show up whenever you feel like it even if a specific time was given to you, and if so, why?

 

 

It's rude to waste someone else's time like that. DH had (has, sorta...we live far enough away not to be affected by it anymore) a friend who would regularly do the same thing... minimum of two hours late, usually more. If someone was like this regularly (for no good reason) I probably would not make plans with them anymore.

 

Up to 15 minutes or so late, sure, fine (as long as there is no time crunch), but more than that deserves a call if a certain time was set (not a drop-in situation).

 

I am mostly on time, give or take 5 minutes..okay, maybe 10 minutes occasionally, depending on kid and traffic!

[Kirch]

I think that's pretty rude. We have family members who are habitually late for get-togethers, and when it's up to me, we start eating (or whatever planned activity is going on) at the designated time. They can eat when they get there, and if they miss out on something, that's too bad. We do make an effort to wait on some things (like opening gifts if it's someone's birthday), but I refuse to sit there and make everyone else wait while we get more and more frustrated waiting around for an hour or two later than the scheduled time.

[JulieH]

I probably, knowing this friend, would have even been ok if she called and said "Julie! I'm so sorry but I'm going to be an hour or so late"...

 

The fact that she just didn't pay attention at ALL to the time and was playing like she didn't know what time she was supposed to be here. THAT was more annoying to me.

 

I just talked to her again and she said she got stuck talking to friends...so another half hour or so..which is about what I expected now..1 hr 45 minutes. Sigh....

 

She is who she is.

 

I posted because my husband said...catch this "well we all can't be as perfect as you are". I couldn't believe it. I wasn't yelling, b*(ching, nothing. In a regular tone while I was prepping, I just said how I don't understand how people have no concept of time etc..basically what I put in my original post.

 

Oh..and that's coming from my hubby who, IMHO, is punctual to a fault..I mean, the sky is going to fall if we aren't 10 minutes early for Sunday school..lol

 

Ok..off to cook and have a glass of wine!!!

[brendag]

I'm ok getting read the riot act. :001_smile:

 

IMO if someone is consistently late (not counting true emergencies), it is basically saying that their time is more important than mine which is rude and selfish. This is especially true if there is a time constraint like cooking a big meal where you have to start hours in advance. If someone knows they are consistently late, they are smart enough to know they should wear a watch or set their alarms earlier...something...anything. Would their bosses be ok with them coming in late on a regular basis? Probably not. Most people get fired for that if it becomes an issue.

 

Like I said. It's just my opinion.

[Parker Martin]

IMO if someone is consistently late (not counting true emergencies), it is basically saying that their time is more important than mine which is rude and selfish.

 

:iagree:

[MissKNG]

I would be very annoyed.

 

I am very punctual with anything.

 

4pm would mean about 3:50pm for me.

[Happy]

It would bother me if someone did that to me. We also have a few people we know that show up really early. We invite them to show up at 2 pm and they show up at noon or before. I don't understand it. Sorry your friend is being rude.

 

When we invite someone over, I'll tell them what time to be there, then saying in a laughing tone...arrive before this time and you'll get to help with vacuuming. ;)

[Alice]

I am one of those always on time people that finds perpetually late people really rude. However, I have several close family members who are always very late. I've decided a couple of things. I can't control them and I'm not going to change them. I can either spend my time being annoyed by it or I can decide to just not be annoyed. The person is not going to change. I suppose I could also choose to not do things with this person, but that's not really an option for me. I deal with it practically by always adding a lot of time when I need to tell her to be somewhere. She knows we do this and she is glad. So if we need to start something at 6 we'll tell her 5.

[regentrude]

It would bother me and I would be annoyed.

If I am invited for 6pm, I arrive at 6:01pm. Not any later.

I hate it when people can not be punctual. I consider it rude.

[melissel]

When we invite someone over, I'll tell them what time to be there, then saying in a laughing tone...arrive before this time and you'll get to help with vacuuming. ;)

 

:lol: Seriously! I have one relative who does this. The first time her family showed up 45 minutes early, I was just getting into the shower :scared: I had to get dressed again, greet them, and the kids had to entertain them while I got ready. It was so awkward for all of us.

 

A few months later, she was due to come over again for a family gathering. I thought for sure she'd not do it again after what happened the previous time, but I made sure I was showered :tongue_smilie: She showed up AN HOUR EARLY that time :confused: I guess she thought I must have learned my lesson! I was still cleaning though. Still embarrassing :(

[Janie Grace]

I'm pretty punctual. I might be ten minutes late but no more. I guess that when someone is coming to my house, I'm usually running about ten minutes behind, so I'm glad if they're not there at exactly the time I said. But I'm happy if they are, too.

 

I think there is something weird with your friend... I mean, I wonder if she has trouble believing that she is really wanted. I wonder if she has been let down by people she trusted, and now she plays a little "hard to get" or keeps her distance til she is SURE she's wanted. IDK, I'm probably over-analyzing, but I just think her behavior goes beyond someone who is chronically a little late.

 

Is she of another culture/ethnic background? That could have something to do with it (as time is understood differently in different places).

 

Also, I hate to generalize, but I do find that my younger, single friends can be really clueless about stuff like this. Until you have experienced managing a family, cooking for a crowd, keeping a house, etc. you don't realize that these things take real planning! Often singles are in "spontaneous/last minute/non-committal" mode and they all seem fine with it.

[Kirch]

:lol: Seriously! I have one relative who does this. The first time her family showed up 45 minutes early, I was just getting into the shower :scared: I had to get dressed again, greet them, and the kids had to entertain them while I got ready. It was so awkward for all of us.

 

A few months later, she was due to come over again for a family gathering. I thought for sure she'd not do it again after what happened the previous time, but I made sure I was showered :tongue_smilie: She showed up AN HOUR EARLY that time :confused: I guess she thought I must have learned my lesson! I was still cleaning though. Still embarrassing :(

 

See, I think this is crazy too! What if you had realized you needed something else from the store and you ran out to get it? If I'm even 5 minutes early, I usually circle the block a couple of times. I know there are plenty of times when I'm pushing right up to the time to get ready!

[Impish]

Wolf's sister was like this. Heck, she wouldn't even show up in the same WEEK at times!

 

I just carried on, and if she was there when we ate, then fine, if she wasn't, he got to deal with her.

 

She actually had the nerve to tell me *I* was rude. Once. Sorry, but when you're over 2 hrs late and don't always even show, don't expect us to wait on you!

 

Thankfully, I haven't seen her in about 6 yrs now.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

very rarely am I late-I'm usually early---5-15mins early.....

[Veritaserum]

We are usually on time, even with five kids. I get super stressed when I realize we are going to be late. Dh's family is chronically late. They are also impossible to plan anything with because things change so many times that no one has any idea what was agreed upon. It's his family's year for Thanksgiving. Oy. :glare:

 

I agree with chronic lateness being rude and sending a message that your time is not as important as that of the late person's.

[joannqn]

We're always punctual. I'm forever trying to delay my husband so we aren't 30 minutes early.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I think this is part of the reason I have no friends. I don't do late! I hate being late and I hate when others are late.

 

I am usually early to family gatherings and will help with whatever needed (this started because my son does better entering quiet and noise building around him).

[sewingmama]

If I'm even 5 minutes early, I usually circle the block a couple of times

LOL I do this too :001_smile:

 

Before kids I was always smack on time. After kids - well every now and then I'm a little late but never more then 20 minutes - and I really hate it when I am I get stressed about it.

 

Dh's family is chronically late. They are also impossible to plan anything with because things change so many times that no one has any idea what was agreed upon. It's his family's year for Thanksgiving. Oy. :glare:

 

 

My DH's family is the same (as is my DH). I call out - ok kids are in the car lets go and he ALWAYS finds something or other he just has to do before he goes - it drives me nuts. DH's mum does the same thing -I just have to do this and this and this - and then an hour later she's like -Oh was I supposed to meet you at a certain time :glare:

 

 

I would have been annoyed with your friend but I would have dealt. Luckily you planned 4pm so eating at 6pm is still early enough. However if you planned 7pm and she turned up at 9pm I would have been majorly ticked. I would have had to have cooked and served dinner because my kids cannot wait till 9 to eat so she would have missed the party. If I was having a big gathering and there were other people there I would wait about 20 minutes and then start the party -the late person gets to miss out.

[hsmom2011]

n/m

[ereks mom]

I"m not particularly punctual, but I'm rarely more than 10-15 minutes late. I have a hard time getting anywhere on time, and I'm not sure why, but it always seems that something happens to throw me off and I wind up late a lot. But what your friend did to you is over the top. I'd be mad too.

[gaillardia]

I am one of those people that is annoyingly punctual. Always on time, if not 5 minutes early. I am usually the one waiting...it doesn't bother me if someone is 10 min. late or so, but after that it starts to bug me. :glare:

:lol:That's hilarious, and I am that way too.

It annoys me when people are late late. Why do we wait? Carry on. Get things rolling. You know, unless it was due to things beyond your friend's control...we're ready to party, with or without you.

Man, we have the riot act placed before us? I can't wait. :lol::lol:

[elegantlion]

Punctuality is one of my pet peeves. When someone is providing food, even doubly so, unless it an open ended invitation.

 

But yes, if you are sitting down to dinner and the invitation is for 4pm, be there at 4-4:15 pm.

 

Incredibly rude, especially the comment when you called at 3:45. Oh, you still want me?! :001_huh:

[edelweiss]

I am super-punctual so this would drive me insane. My mother has never been on time in her life and it used to drive me crazy. I hated how disorganized I appeared because she was always late (and I had to count on her to get me places).

 

So, I am always on time, but I have learned that time is a more amorphous concept to some people. :D So, I usually expect people to be 20-30 minutes late, but two hours??? :eek: That is so rude and I wouldn't be inviting that person to much again.

[Unicorn.]

I'm punctual, and hate being late for anything. I do have certain friends and family members who are always late, and we get around that by telling them to be somewhere at least an hour before. :D

[Donna]

I get too stressed when I think I am going to be late. I hate being late!!! I do have a friend who always cancels last minute or "forgets" to keep to plans we have scheduled. Needless to say, I don't see her that much because I have quit trying to set up any plans with her.

 

We always joke in our house about "Irish time." My kids play Irish music and every event we attend ends up starting late so when someone tells us something will, for example, be at 8pm...we jokingly say, "Oh, It should start by 8:30 or so Irish time."

 

It was rude of your guest to behave the way she did. I would have been aggravated. I am sure you probably had dinner timed to be ready and it is annoying to have to wait on someone for dinner...especially when they are the guest "of honor."

[Laurie4b]

For dinner, I would expect people between 15 min-30 min after the agreed on time. I do not like people to arrive right on time for a meal.

 

If there is a difference in ethnic group between you and your guest, cultural differences could explain the time gap and the different perceptions as to what is an acceptable time to arrive. Arriving that late is not rude in some ethnic circles; rather it would be rude to be upset about it. I've seen it work out well when one person in a social group had different time standards for the rest of the group to specify an earlier time than they actually expected to meet up. Then no one was "late" and no one had to wait.

 

Also if your friend is ADDish at all, a lot of ADD people have major difficulty navigating time. Times don't stick in their heads, they forget to allow time for travel, etc.

Edited October 8, 2011 by Laurie4b

[gardenmom5]

Ok. If you are invited over for dinner to someone's house for dinner and cake to celebrate your birthday, and oh, I don't know...you decide on 4pm. What time does 4pm mean to you?

At 3:50pm she calls.

What do you think? Do you have any friends or family members like this? Are YOU like this? If so, do you think it's acceptable to just show up whenever you feel like it even if a specific time was given to you, and if so, why?

:grouphug:

 

to my grandmother - dinner's at my house and is at four meant she'd show up at 1pm :mad: (she did that one christmas - I was NOT a happy camper! I had things to do, so I literally ignored her for three hours. No, I wasn't going to ask for her help. she was always excessively early, but that was a record.)

 

dh's sisters are notoriously late, and he now lies to them about what time dinner is in hopes they'll show up on time (and calls to find out if they've left). I hate having sil here to dinners, as she loves to act like the hostess or else the ingratiatingly 'gracious' (for the audience's sake) guest. since the only people there are his family, I (barely) tolerate it. dinner is served when it is ready, which for a big dinner is still within 15 minutes of the stated time. (my sister was never late again).

 

I loath going to sil's house to dinner. (and not just because she's a lousy cook). we're given a time, and dinner may be two hours (or more) after that. I now eat/feed little one before going there. in the interest of preserving my sanity, I go late. I've yet to arrive after people are seated at dinner.

 

in each case these are seriously inconsiderate people. Depending upon specifics, I have no problem eating without them. I will graciously offer them a plate of dinner when they arrive. (I won't punish everyone else by making them wait for someone who doesn't care enough to be on time.)

[phathui5]

If I'm going to be more than ten minutes late, I call and let the person know.

[chrissymama]

Chronic, extreme lateness makes me really annoyed. Like others have said, I feel like people who are constantly very late don't consider others feelings very often. My MIL is like this. She is always extremely late, and it is because she is puttering around, doing all sorts of random things she's been meaning to do- plant flowers, iron clothes, water plants, make lists. I don't want to hang around and wait to start a small family birthday party for an hour or two while she is getting stuff done.

[JeneralMom]

I am extremely punctual, even with 4 small children. I find it horribly rude if someone is inexcusably late (excusable - traffic, emergency). We were invited to a wedding reception (happened a few weeks after wedding because bride and groom just went by themselves to court house) that was to take place between 6 and 10pm, with kids welcome. I called the host and was assured that kids were welcome and food would be ready between 6 and 6:30 in case we needed to leave early. When we got there, at 6:05, the food was just starting to be prepared, we didn't eat until almost 8pm and they were still grilling at 10pm. Luckily, I kind of suspected so I had fed the kids before hand.

 

If I have an event and specify a time, I start serving at the time.

[gardenmom5]

I'm ok getting read the riot act. :001_smile:

 

IMO if someone is consistently late (not counting true emergencies), it is basically saying that their time is more important than mine which is rude and selfish. This is especially true if there is a time constraint like cooking a big meal where you have to start hours in advance. If someone knows they are consistently late, they are smart enough to know they should wear a watch or set their alarms earlier...something...anything. Would their bosses be ok with them coming in late on a regular basis? Probably not. Most people get fired for that if it becomes an issue.

 

Like I said. It's just my opinion.

:iagree: (I also hate people arriving "early". I have alloted my prep time, and by arriving early, I no longer have as much prep time as planned.)

[MrsMe]

Completely and utterly RUDE. 4pm means 4pm unless it's a party with a bunch of people where time and serving isn't a huge issue, but for things that require punctuality like one on one invites, dinners, classes, etc. I have just about zero tolerance for it. The fact that she was so lax about the time and if you still want her, I'd have said, no don't bother, because it wasn't obviously important for her, I have no desire to spend time with her then. It's kinda like you're a last resort, if nothing better comes along, or if I feel like it, I'll come.

 

Personally I think your DH is wrong that you're too uptight. I think it's over the top rude and unfortunately I find that to be the norm. We had friends that were two hours late. We called them after an hour and they said they had some person show up unexpectedly. So I guess we were the chosen that they wanted to tick off... An hour after that, I told my dh to call them and tell them not to come over. As soon as he got up and walked to the phone, they called. By then, I had no desire to spend time with them.

 

I don't care if they're flighty or not. Adults show a lack of respect and responsiblity now and it's really, really a turn off.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm punctual. I try to never arrive too early or too late.

 

But I have a DH who cannot/will not ever be on time for anything outside of work. I don't get it but that's the way he swings. So I've just learned to add or subtract accordingly.

 

And our homeschool friends and I scedhule stuff for "ish" time. So noon-ish for park day because somedays, herding kids is like herding cats. But we update each other very well.

 

Two hours late for an invited event is a bit crazy but it sounds like this person always does this. I'd either stop inviting her or start inviting her for hours later than you actually want/need her.