Do I Keep My Mouth Shut? Or tell the TRUTH?

[tex-mex]

It has been a sad last few months dealing with my MIL's terminal cancer, hospice, funeral, and now a bombshell. Long story. But in a nutshell, hubby was told by his father another woman is in the picture. It has been only 49 days since MIL's death. The odd thing is FIL acted strange after the funeral.

 

The day after the funeral, he insisted on getting rid of her clothes. Which upsetter my husband. Then FIL did not want her cremated remains at his home. He insisted we take care of it. As I was emailing some family and friends via MIL's account about the funeral (I have permission and the password), I discovered 2 emails dated right after the funeral to a woman -- title of the email, "RE: xoxoxoxoxo"

 

I read it and was sickened to see FIL brazen words to this woman. The woman spoke of her love for him. FIL told my husband that he is thinking of seeing other women but it is too difficult to talk about it over the phone. He will send us a letter. So for the last 6 days, hubby has been an emotional mess waiting for the letter and his feelings for his father has changed. What I read suggests FIL was seeing this woman while MIL was terminally ill.

 

I cannot keep this secret forever. But I do not want to unleash more havoc to my grieving hubby. I would like to wait for the letter of confession to arrive from FIL and then if the truth is told, show him the emails. But part of me is freaking out if FIL tells a fib despite what the emails say. Should I keep my mouth shut forever?

 

I personally don't care if FIL gets mad at me. I had permission to access his account. And personally, my opinion of him is that he is lower than pond scum to do this while his wife was terminally ill. But I am so worried for my hubby -- he stood by his mother for 2 months while she was in hospice at her side. Now hubby feels so betrayed he says it is like he had lost 2 parents. The last thing I want to do is bring more pain. I am hoping the letter tells the truth.

Edited August 18, 2011 by tex-mex

[Heather in Neverland]

That's a tough one...

 

1. Is there any way your dh may find out on his own and find out you already knew about it?

 

2. Could you wait...give your dh more time to grieve and heal before telling him?

[asta]

It has been a sad last few months dealing with my MIL's terminal cancer, hospice, funeral, and now a bombshell. Long story. But in a nutshell, hubby was told by his father another woman is in the picture. It has been only 49 days since MIL's death. The odd thing is FIL acted strange after the funeral.

 

The day after the funeral, he insisted on getting rid of her clothes. Which upsetter my husband. Then FIL did not want her cremated remains at his home. He insisted we take care of it. As I was emailing some family and friends via MIL's account (I have permission and the password), I discovered 2 emails dated right after the funeral to a woman -- title of the email, "RE: xoxoxoxoxo"

 

I read it and was sickened to see FIL brazen words to this woman. The woman spoke of her love for him. FIL told my husband that he is thinking of seeing other women but it is too difficult to talk about it over the phone. He will send us a letter. So for the last 6 days, hubby has been an emotional mess waiting for the letter and his feelings for his father has changed. What I read suggests FIL was seeing this woman while MIL was terminally ill.

 

I cannot keep this secret forever. But I do not want to unleash more havoc to my grieving hubby. I would like to wait for the letter of confession to arrive from FIL and then if the truth is told, show him the emails. But part of me is freaking out if FIL tells a fib despite what the emails say. Should I keep my mouth shut forever?

 

I personally don't care if FIL gets mad at me. I had permission to access his account. And personally, my opinion of him is that he is lower than pond scum to do this while his wife was terminally ill. But I am so worried for my hubby -- he stood by his mother for 2 months while she was in hospice at her side. Now hubby feels so betrayed he says it is like he had lost 2 parents. The last thing I want to do is bring more pain. I am hoping the letter tells the truth.

 

Why not?

 

What is to be gained by telling him?

 

When MIL died, SIL and I found letters from before she married between her and someone else who was away in the Army. They were obviously in love.

 

Well, at some point, she had started dating FIL and got pregnant. The "away" guy lovingly changed his tone to that of a supportive friend, but you could tell his heart was broken. Why did she go with FIL? Who knows. Loneliness, probably.

 

BIL is a very sensitive person. These letters were EXACTLY the kind of thing that would destroy him emotionally. I knew it. She knew it. I threw them all away. What did she do? She secretly pulled one out and left it where he could find it. It destroyed his memory of his mother and father's relationship. He felt that their entire relationship was a lie, and that his mom never "really" loved his father -- but only married him because she got pregnant.

 

Great. What did that accomplish? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was dead. FIL was already dead.

 

You have no idea what the dynamic between your FIL and MIL was. You don't know if your MIL told your FIL to "go find love". I don't mean to sound judgmental, but you weren't there. What will it honestly accomplish to tell your husband these things?

 

 

a

[tex-mex]

Good point.

 

FIL has a previous history of being unfaithful. It was my hubby who first voiced his suspicion 2 years ago (before we knew his mom had cancer) that his father was acting like he had another woman in his life. And MIL never knew. Plus, while they were in the hospital daily (father & son) keeping mom company while in her last stages, the cell phone would ring constantly with a woman needing to talk to FIL. Hubby confronted him about it, and a feeble excuse was made it was a family friend.

 

Basically, all of the signs of adultery were there now that we look back at the last 2-3 years. And MIL not knowing a thing. FIL is trying to have us believe he will start dating in 6 months - which is what the letter will say. But we both know there is another woman in the picture. I know 3 days after the funeral, there were romantic emails. Hubby doesn't know this. FIL may try to have us believe this woman is a new relationship.

 

Hubby is saying if this is the woman he has suspected all along, this will destroy our relationship with FIL.

 

 

Why not?

 

What is to be gained by telling him?

 

When MIL died, SIL and I found letters from before she married between her and someone else who was away in the Army. They were obviously in love.

 

Well, at some point, she had started dating FIL and got pregnant. The "away" guy lovingly changed his tone to that of a supportive friend, but you could tell his heart was broken. Why did she go with FIL? Who knows. Loneliness, probably.

 

BIL is a very sensitive person. These letters were EXACTLY the kind of thing that would destroy him emotionally. I knew it. She knew it. I threw them all away. What did she do? She secretly pulled one out and left it where he could find it. It destroyed his memory of his mother and father's relationship. He felt that their entire relationship was a lie, and that his mom never "really" loved his father -- but only married him because she got pregnant.

 

Great. What did that accomplish? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was dead. FIL was already dead.

 

You have no idea what the dynamic between your FIL and MIL was. You don't know if your MIL told your FIL to "go find love". I don't mean to sound judgmental, but you weren't there. What will it honestly accomplish to tell your husband these things?

 

 

a

[asta]

Good point.

 

FIL has a previous history of being unfaithful. It was my hubby who first voiced his suspicion 2 years ago (before we knew his mom had cancer) that his father was acting like he had another woman in his life. And MIL never knew. Plus, while they were in the hospital daily (father & son) keeping mom company while in her last stages, the cell phone would ring constantly with a woman needing to talk to FIL. Hubby confronted him about it, and a feeble excuse was made it was a family friend.

 

Basically, all of the signs of adultery were there now that we look back at the last 2-3 years. And MIL not knowing a thing. FIL is trying to have us believe he will start dating in 6 months - which is what the letter will say. But we both know there is another woman in the picture. I know 3 days after the funeral, there were romantic emails. Hubby doesn't know this. FIL may try to have us believe this woman is a new relationship.

 

Hubby is saying if this is the woman he has suspected all along, this will destroy our relationship with FIL.

 

You two may not have known she had cancer, but she and FIL may have known (and just not have told you, for whatever reason). And she may have known about the "other woman". You just don't know.

 

I think sometimes we forget that we are still our parent's children. As such, they often see no reason to tell us everything, or anything, really (especially when it comes to their relationship) - as they view that it simply doesn't concern us.

 

And they would be correct.

 

 

asta

[5KidzRUs]

I learned a long time ago that there is another perspective to love after death.

A dear friend in her 80s died and she requested that her dh and bf marry because she did not want either to be alone. They did marry and were great companions.

In 2004 my bf died suddenly at 24 yo and four children. Her dh married the girls godmother the following year.

A few months ago my dearest friend (in her forties) was widowed a second time. She has met a sweet gentleman and they are dating exclusively.

I know these is not the same as your situation. However, my advice for you is to try to understand that he has love in his life and he should not be begrudged love, companionship and comfort.

Think of it this way - what are you going to accomplish by starting this war? Wouldn't it benefit everyone to not judge how he deals with love and death since it is so volatile and personal?

This is my perspective, now in 2011, it could always adjust a bit as I gain life experiences. I am sure there are many that would disagree or have responses that you might hear more easily.

I am sorry for your loss.

[Rosie_0801]

I agree with Asta. I'd do everything I could to persuade him to focus on the positives and deflect as much thinking about the less pleasant possibilities. You must have some pretty good powers of persuasion if you've been married this long, huh? :)

 

Rosie

[WishboneDawn]

I would definitely not tell him about the emails.

 

Your problem with keeping this a secret is your problem, not his. The emails don't change the big picture or change the fundamental truth of the situation, they just add more drama in a horrible time. Telling him won't clear anything up or make him feel better.

 

I DO have recent experience with something very much like this. A secret revealed about a deceased loved one has caused a lot of pain and harm to relationships in my family. You're not there to make sure your husband knows every sordid detail or monitor what stories your FIL tells. You're there to support your husband through his grieving. Just be there for him and don't mention the emails.

:grouphug:

[Joyofsixreboot]

I would say nothing

[kalanamak]

Why not?

 

What is to be gained by telling him?

 

 

a

 

Secrets have a way of eventually getting out, and the "family member who wasn't told" is often angrier about that than the original offense (I know I would be). I have seen this over and over (including a step mother whose now enraged stepdaughter and best friend of the last 20 years wasn't speaking to her and the step mother wanted to die).

 

I'd tell my husband, but after a while, in good time.

[WishboneDawn]

Secrets have a way of eventually getting out, and the "family member who wasn't told" is often angrier about that than the original offense (I know I would be). I have seen this over and over (including a step mother whose now enraged stepdaughter and best friend of the last 20 years wasn't speaking to her and the step mother wanted to die).

 

I'd tell my husband, but after a while, in good time.

 

I think that's another good option. He really needs time to grieve and get over what he's going through now before something else is piled on top of it.

[Lolly]

I don't think you should ever tell. It isn't your secret. The telling of this secret will only give pain. Your fil's relationship with another woman is noyb. It was between him, his girlfriend, and his wife.

[KidsHappen]

I pretty much agree with everyone else. It is your burden to bear and not your secret to share. Telling your husband may make you feel better but at the risk of crushing your hubby. I wouldn't say anything.

[chickenpatty]

I would be honest with your dh. Secrets will eventually get out and you can save yourself & your own marriage some stress & pain by telling him what you know now. If you don't, then later it will look as if you were trying to cover for your FIL which may hurt your dh even worse. It sounds like a rotten situation to be in. (((hugs)))

[Ria]

I don't think you should ever tell. It isn't your secret. The telling of this secret will only give pain. Your fil's relationship with another woman is noyb. It was between him, his girlfriend, and his wife.

 

Wise words. I agree.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

What is the good thing that will come from telling him?

 

I would think that the loss of his mom and the quick new relationship will be rough enough.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry you are going thru such a hard time. :grouphug:

 

Gently, it is not your secret to tell. Yes, you had access to the email, but I don't think you had the right to open every emailed letter. Therefore, you stumbled across something you shouldn't have and are now privy to info you shouldn't have been burdened with, by your own fault. (Am I right that it was not your MIL's account as in the original post, but your FIL's? You might want to edit, if so.)

 

Let your FIL tell the secret. If you are there when he does, you can always correct him or ask for clarity. If he tries to say she's a new woman and you know it is not a new woman, you can ask him when the affair started. And you can say, "Really? Because you and she seemed awfully chummy to have just met..." He may be afraid to tell the truth because he may not want to ruin your and your husband's perception of how great his marriage was--or may not think you could ever forgive him, and he doesn't want to end the relationship with you. Doesn't mean you can't be mad as heck at him, or that he shouldn't have to face the consequences of having an affair, or that everything he does should be accepted.

 

I recently found out someone I had put upon a pedestal of sorts had an affair (the marriage was in deep trouble, and it wasn't until one of the spouse's had left the home, but still...). It was crushing, but I care enough for this dear one that I am able to forgive. That's different, tho, because she is mightily repentant (and it happened 40 years ago).

 

Just because your FIL did something rather scummy and awful doesn't mean you will need to write him off forever. But give yourself and your hubby time to work thru the mix of emotions you need to. That's the hard part, and I really feel for you.

[Mama Geek]

Maybe I'm reading this wrong but it sounds like you dh already has his suspicions. I think secrets within a marriage can be pretty damaging. I would probably tell him.

[Liza Lee]

FIL acted strange after the funeral. . .

The day after the funeral, he insisted on getting rid of her clothes. . .

Then FIL did not want her cremated remains at his home. . . .

 

I cannot keep this secret forever. . .

Should I keep my mouth shut forever?

...

The last thing I want to do is bring more pain...

 

If your goal is to reduce your husband's pain, then you need to keep this secret. It's not like you saw your FIL and the other woman out on a date. You saw something that looked suspicious and you were nosy and opened the email.

 

 

 

FIL has a previous history of being unfaithful. It was my hubby who first voiced his suspicion 2 years ago (before we knew his mom had cancer) that his father was acting like he had another woman in his life. And MIL never knew. . .

 

 

Hubby is saying if this is the woman he has suspected all along, this will destroy our relationship with FIL.

 

You don't know if MIL knew or not. MIL may have been fully aware of her husband's infidelity, but chose to ignore it in front of her son. She may have known that the knowledge would crush HER SON, so she pretended not to know.

 

If your FIL has a history of infidelity, he may marry this new woman and then cheat on her, too. At least the new one knows that FIL doesn't respect marriage, since she was a cheater with him.

 

I'm so sorry that you and your hubby are going through this.

[Little Nyssa]

I think I would wait and see what's in the letter before I decide this.

[Impish]

I can see both sides of this.

 

Nothing good is going to come from telling your dh.

 

At the same time, if he finds out you knew details and didn't speak up, he could be very angry with you for not telling him.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your FIL knew you'd find the email and that's why you were given access. Coward's way, you tell your dh for him and he doesn't have to face to face.

[ma23peas]

I'm for not telling as well....it would make you feel better to get it off your chest, b/c I am sure you are shocked and angry as well...but it would only fuel your husband's contempt for his father's actions...it's sad, but common for a husband to hook up after a marriage even one that long...men need women...it's like a child losing their momma..they need that security...to me it just shows his insecurities and weaker side and also that he is not dealing with the loss of his partner as well as he should...through denial...it will come back to haunt him, but all in all..it sounds like he's a pretty self-serving individual..your husband is probably not shocked by that revelation..more proof of it won't help. Sorry you have to carry this burden.

 

On the other hand, I do think it's fine for you to go to his father and tell him you know, that you're not telling husband, but that you'll know if he's not being truthful..that may make me feel better and put your fil on alert..?

[Stacy in NJ]

Yes. What Asta says. Forget that you saw the e-mails. It sounds like your FIL is looking for a way to tell your dh that there's another woman in the picture. Don't step between this relationship. Let them work it our themselves.

[Pippen]

Basically, all of the signs of adultery were there now that we look back at the last 2-3 years. And MIL not knowing a thing. FIL is trying to have us believe he will start dating in 6 months - which is what the letter will say. But we both know there is another woman in the picture. I know 3 days after the funeral, there were romantic emails. Hubby doesn't know this. FIL may try to have us believe this woman is a new relationship.

.

 

If your husband already knows there is another woman in the picture and you know you can't keep this secret forever, then I would tell him about the emails right away. Keep the secrets out of your marriage.

 

Another perspective for you to consider: I was executor of my father's estate and he gave me access to his accounts long before it was needed. A few days before it looked like he would be slipping into a coma I accessed his accounts for the first time and found out that he was actively using dating sites--looking for a "life partner" when he definitely wasn't in a position to make that offer to anyone. I'll spare the rest of the personal details of his situation and skip to telling you that it didn't pain me like you think it might. After my initial angry/incredulous reaction it actually helped me to finally put his lifelong, troubled history with women and wives to rest. No matter what his circumstances were in life, he was going to be seeking a woman to admire him and nothing--and I mean NOTHING--was going to change that.

Edited August 18, 2011 by Pippen

[Zebra]

I would not keep this from DH. It may cause him pain but he may be very angry that you didn't tell him, and feel like you were taking FIL's side. Protect your marriage, not DH's relationship with FIL.

 

Also, if FIL had affairs, whatever, he's a grown man and it's his choice. And it's also DH's choice to not have a relationship with him any more.

 

I would ask myself how I would feel if DH and I switched places....and I would definitely want to know the truth.

 

It's not an easy situation, any way you look at it!

 

:grouphug:

[SeekingHim77]

If I were in your husband's situation, I'd rather not know. To already be grieving and get hit with this would be horrible.

 

After my husband's grandmother passed, all of her children began to fight over her things. Anyway, one of the daughters got really greedy and mean. She said some horrible things to my MIL that hurt her deeply. Since it was my FIL's family and my MIL knew he would be hurt beyond belief if she told him what his sister said-she kept it to herself. I thought it was a beautiful sacrifice. I know it was an extremely hard thing to do as my FIL continued to think his sister was innocent and she wouldn't even speak to my MIL.

 

The information you saw wasn't for your eyes. Pretend like you never saw it. There is no way your husband could ever find out that you saw someone else's private emails as long as you don't tell anyone else. This is not about secrecy but about privacy for your FIL and loving your husband enough to keep it to yourself. When/if he finds out about the relationship, you can just be supportive and loving.

 

I'm sorry that you're stuck in the middle of such a horrible situation.:grouphug:

[Orthodox6]

I've read the entire thread, and have waited a bit before replying.

 

In the end, I land with those who suggest waiting until the initial grieving period has passed for the dh, and then sharing the information. The deceased's philandering seems already well known. This additional information slips easily into an existing framework, appalling though it be.

 

If the wife had "given permission", or anything to that effect, the FIL easily could have said so. I, frankly, doubt the woman did anything of the sort.

 

OP's relationship with her husband is paramount. Her FIL did not respect his own wife with honesty, best as I can determine from the bare information provided. OP has the opportunity to demonstrate a higher standard of behaviour within her own marriage. Her husband would be justified in feeling deep hurt and/or anger to learn, at some distant future point, that his own wife knew something important and hid the knowledge from him. Think of the dangerous precedent set forth.

 

:grouphug: to OP, who is suffering on many levels.

[BearWallowSchool]

Don't tell. Like others have said nothing good can come from it.

[Tess in the Burbs]

stay quiet. nothing can be gained from telling. if it comes out later, then it does, but still, you keep your findings to yourself.

 

If you dh has suspicions then he knows in his heart the truth and he needs to deal with it. Just be supportive.

[Rebecca VA]

After my dad died, someone in my family told me a family secret (that my dad was wronged by someone). The family member had no real need to tell me that. It horrified me, and I have never forgotten it. I wish I'd never heard it. It took some of my innocence away (OK, I'm an adult woman, but I still felt violated just knowing the information).

 

However, I also believe that knowledge is power. But in this case...you know, and you can look out for your husband's interests without disclosing information that might hurt him to his very core.

 

Perhaps you could broach the subject with your husband in a hypothetical way. Maybe you could say: "I wonder if she was after your dad even while your poor mom was alive!" and see what he says. If he says he'd rather not even think about it, then you have your answer.

[DusksAngel]

You really are in a no win situation. I have to agree with the theory that FIL knew you'd see the emails (otherwise he would have made sure to delete them).

 

Wait to see what the letter says, he may actually settle this for you. Otherwise give your husband some time, and then tell him. I know how mine would feel if he ever find out that I knew and didn't tell him. Plus, I don't believe in keeping secrets. They have a way of coming out and never in a good way.

[WishboneDawn]

On the other hand, I do think it's fine for you to go to his father and tell him you know, that you're not telling husband, but that you'll know if he's not being truthful..that may make me feel better and put your fil on alert..?

 

I wouldn't do that. If I wasn't going to say anything to my husband then I wouldn't say anything to my FIL either. What if the FIL comes back to your husband later and "reveals" that you knew about the emails? It would be too easy to get into some sort of tug-of-war or emotional blackmail over this information. Besides, this is a matter for the son and father to sort out, not for the wife to get in the middle of.

 

If the OP is going to let it rest then she let's it rest completely.

[WishboneDawn]

After my dad died, someone in my family told me a family secret (that my dad was wronged by someone). The family member had no real need to tell me that. It horrified me, and I have never forgotten it. I wish I'd never heard it. It took some of my innocence away (OK, I'm an adult woman, but I still felt violated just knowing the information).

 

This is how I feel with my own recent experience. The matter was very hurtful but really, did not have any bearing on my relationship with the deceased person in question. It's not that I don't want to know the truth, just that it's another person's truth to deal with, not mine.

 

I think we sometimes reveal things in the name of honesty when the truth is we revealed them because we didn't want to have to carry the burden. But shucks, sometimes we have just have to suck it up and file secrets away.

[kitten18]

I've read the entire thread, and have waited a bit before replying.

 

In the end, I land with those who suggest waiting until the initial grieving period has passed for the dh, and then sharing the information. The deceased's philandering seems already well known. This additional information slips easily into an existing framework, appalling though it be.

 

If the wife had "given permission", or anything to that effect, the FIL easily could have said so. I, frankly, doubt the woman did anything of the sort.

 

OP's relationship with her husband is paramount. Her FIL did not respect his own wife with honesty, best as I can determine from the bare information provided. OP has the opportunity to demonstrate a higher standard of behaviour within her own marriage. Her husband would be justified in feeling deep hurt and/or anger to learn, at some distant future point, that his own wife knew something important and hid the knowledge from him. Think of the dangerous precedent set forth.

 

:grouphug: to OP, who is suffering on many levels.

 

I think :iagree:. I would have to see what the letter says. If the letter says FIL is going to 'start' dating in a few months and DH seems to want to believe that, I would keep my mouth shut.

 

 

It's all just really horrible. I'm so sorry for you and your DH. I have lost both my parents in the last few years, I can't imagine having to deal with something like this in the aftermath.:grouphug:

[annandatje]

It has been a sad last few months dealing with my MIL's terminal cancer, hospice, funeral, and now a bombshell. Long story. But in a nutshell, hubby was told by his father another woman is in the picture. It has been only 49 days since MIL's death. The odd thing is FIL acted strange after the funeral.

 

The day after the funeral, he insisted on getting rid of her clothes. Which upsetter my husband. Then FIL did not want her cremated remains at his home. He insisted we take care of it. As I was emailing some family and friends via MIL's account about the funeral (I have permission and the password), I discovered 2 emails dated right after the funeral to a woman -- title of the email, "RE: xoxoxoxoxo"

 

I read it and was sickened to see FIL brazen words to this woman. The woman spoke of her love for him. FIL told my husband that he is thinking of seeing other women but it is too difficult to talk about it over the phone. He will send us a letter. So for the last 6 days, hubby has been an emotional mess waiting for the letter and his feelings for his father has changed. What I read suggests FIL was seeing this woman while MIL was terminally ill.

 

I cannot keep this secret forever. But I do not want to unleash more havoc to my grieving hubby. I would like to wait for the letter of confession to arrive from FIL and then if the truth is told, show him the emails. But part of me is freaking out if FIL tells a fib despite what the emails say. Should I keep my mouth shut forever?

 

I personally don't care if FIL gets mad at me. I had permission to access his account. And personally, my opinion of him is that he is lower than pond scum to do this while his wife was terminally ill. But I am so worried for my hubby -- he stood by his mother for 2 months while she was in hospice at her side. Now hubby feels so betrayed he says it is like he had lost 2 parents. The last thing I want to do is bring more pain. I am hoping the letter tells the truth.

 

Secrets between spouses are seldom a good thing. It is not your place to decide what your husband can handle.

 

This probably is not the first time fil has been unfaithful so I doubt husband will be as surprised as you expect.

 

Would you want to know if the situation were reversed?

 

Based upon my experience and observation with friends and relatives' adulterous partners, fil will not confess until he knows you have ironclad proof. Even then, he will try to concoct an innocent-sounding cover story.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't know...... I read almost to the bottom of the first page but I don't think I could keep something from dh. We share EVERYTHING. If your dh finds out you knew about this, how would he feel? I'd feel pretty crappy.

 

I think your FIL is an awful man UNLESS he had permission from your MIL to move on with his life. Still, WHILE MARRIED? WHILE WIFE IS DYING? I don't get it.

 

Ds19 just left the house to go to a wake of a friend of his. His mother had cancer and just died on Sunday. This lousy husband met new women and brought them into their home while his wife was dying. I can't see how the wife could have been ok with that but whatever. It's not me. And no, there are no young kids involved. I was wondering if maybe the wife wanted input on who would be around the kids. I don't know. Weird.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I'm so sorry for you and especially for your husband. What a heartbreaking situation.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[twoforjoy]

I think your FIL is an awful man UNLESS he had permission from your MIL to move on with his life. Still, WHILE MARRIED? WHILE WIFE IS DYING? I don't get it.

 

Honestly, I find that a lot more forgivable/understandable than just cheating on a spouse out of the blue, or than leaving a dying spouse to start a new relationship guilt-free. I can understand why somebody might, in the horrible situation of having and supporting a dying spouse, turn to another person for comfort and have that turn into a romantic relationship. It's not right, but I wouldn't write somebody off as an awful person because of it, and I do get it.

[springmama]

I am shocked at the number of people who would suggest a wife keep a secret like this from her own husband. If it were a family friend, an extended family member, or some other distant relation...sure, keep the secret.

 

It's just not a good idea to have secrets within a marriage. If you know, he should know. He has a right to know. I would be livid if my husband knew something like this about my father and chose not to tell me.

[RanchGirl]

I would absolutely tell your dh but I am not sure when is the best timing. He's grieving his mothers death and maybe still feeling like he needs to protect her.

 

Honestly it isn't terribly shocking that a man would be seeing someone while his wife is terminally ill. It's not right, but I think it happens a lot. Clearly your fil just isn't able to deal with being alone. He may also have a lack of respect for fidelity, I don't know. Your dh needs to see him as he really is and then figure out what kind of relationship to have with him, separate from dh's emotions towards his mom and his grieving for her....

 

But the timing is so awful, both for you to find this out with the emails and for fil to push forward so quickly, why can't he just keep it quiet for awhile. I'm very sorry for your and dh's loss.

[Jen500]

I am shocked at the number of people who would suggest a wife keep a secret like this from her own husband. If it were a family friend, an extended family member, or some other distant relation...sure, keep the secret.

 

It's just not a good idea to have secrets within a marriage. If you know, he should know. He has a right to know. I would be livid if my husband knew something like this about my father and chose not to tell me.

 

:iagree:

[JennyD]

i'm with asta and Stacey on this. I would put the emails out of my mind and say nothing, ever.

[Supertechmom]

My mil was the "woman". My hubby has still not gotten over the idea that his mom was "dating" a dying woman's hubby.:tongue_smilie: That woman's children haven't either. It was so bad they finally had to leave the town where they each had lived for 40 years and start over somewhere else.

 

I would tell. You just do not know how bad this could go. People will know. Speculations will fly and your hubby will get cornered by all sorts of people wanting to talk about it. We got calls from old friends, neighbors.....every time we went for a visit to the area, stopped in the stores and "tsk, tsk" by somebody who knew them. It was a scandal.

 

Help your hubby be prepared to handle the fallout. Being blindsided is hard.

 

Of course if you live in a big town none of that may apply :D

[DianeW88]

You two may not have known she had cancer, but she and FIL may have known (and just not have told you, for whatever reason). And she may have known about the "other woman". You just don't know.

 

I think sometimes we forget that we are still our parent's children. As such, they often see no reason to tell us everything, or anything, really (especially when it comes to their relationship) - as they view that it simply doesn't concern us.

 

And they would be correct.

 

 

asta

 

:iagree:This!! I'd keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. What does it matter at this point anyhow?

[Mrs Mungo]

I would keep my mouth shut. I don't see any benefit to stirring the pot in a case like this.

[LazyDazy]

I think it depends on your marriage. My husband and I are completely open and honest about everything so that is what I would expect for all situations in my marriage (and so would my dh)- hurtful or not. My twin has a different type of marriage. They don't share everything and that is the norm for them. If this were the situation in our family the "right thing to do" would be different for each of us and both answers would be right for our respective marriages.

 

You know your spouse best and you know your marriage best.

[Impish]

I was put in a situation by my MIL of either keeping a secret, or telling Wolf something that would hurt him.

 

I was angry and deeply resentful, torn btwn protecting my dh and lying to him by omission.

 

He knows me too well, and knew his mother had done something completely inappropriate. I told him the position she put me in, and that I didn't want to tell him b/c it would only hurt him, but that I never kept secrets from him and didn't know how to manage this situation.

 

A few mths later, he asked me to tell him what it was. He said he'd rather deal with another hurt from her than her coming btwn us and putting me in a position of keeping something from him.

 

Different situation, I know, but I understand the feeling of being torn.

[Mom0012]

Secrets have a way of eventually getting out, and the "family member who wasn't told" is often angrier about that than the original offense (I know I would be). I have seen this over and over (including a step mother whose now enraged stepdaughter and best friend of the last 20 years wasn't speaking to her and the step mother wanted to die).

 

I'd tell my husband, but after a while, in good time.

 

:iagree: If my husband kept a secret from me about my own mother or father, I would feel doubly betrayed by him.

 

Also, what happens if FIL lies to OP's husband in his letter? Then OP is part of the lie if she does not come forward.

 

Lisa

Edited August 18, 2011 by LisaTheresa

[Scarlett]

Secrets have a way of eventually getting out, and the "family member who wasn't told" is often angrier about that than the original offense (I know I would be). I have seen this over and over (including a step mother whose now enraged stepdaughter and best friend of the last 20 years wasn't speaking to her and the step mother wanted to die).

 

I'd tell my husband, but after a while, in good time.

 

:iagree:

 

This 'secret' would have hurt MIL most. She is gone now. She can't be hurt by this affair. However, a secret between a husband and wife has the power to put a wedge between them. Telling him what you know has the power to draw you closer together. I would also wait a bit....and I would tell him that you told him the truth because you can't bear to be less than fully truthful with him. He will appreciate that even if the secret hurts him.

[Scarlett]

My mil was the "woman". My hubby has still not gotten over the idea that his mom was "dating" a dying woman's hubby.:tongue_smilie: That woman's children haven't either. It was so bad they finally had to leave the town where they each had lived for 40 years and start over somewhere else.

 

I would tell. You just do not know how bad this could go. People will know. Speculations will fly and your hubby will get cornered by all sorts of people wanting to talk about it. We got calls from old friends, neighbors.....every time we went for a visit to the area, stopped in the stores and "tsk, tsk" by somebody who knew them. It was a scandal.

 

Help your hubby be prepared to handle the fallout. Being blindsided is hard.

 

Of course if you live in a big town none of that may apply :D

 

Good point. Many good points.

[wapiti]

I guess the question I'd be asking myself is "why tell?" Is it (1) to avoid DH being surprised by FIL's letter, (2) to not have any "secrets between husband and wife", (3) to unburden yourself, or (4) to get FIL "in trouble" with DH?

 

I don't see this as a "secret between husband and wife." It's not as though this is about you.

 

Will DH find out eventually? Probably. Might it be easier on him if he found out later (probably from his dad's letter), or would it be easier if you told him what you saw? Only you can answer that.

 

Personally, I would forget I ever saw the emails and stay out of it. It's one thing to find out the fact of the affair; it's quite another to witness the sickening, gory details of the emails, with the pertinent dates and all (which he'd surely ask for, if you told him you saw the emails).