BakersDozen Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 The advice/input you ladies gave me regarding my ds and the stealing while on vacation was wonderful - thank you! Yesterday the phone rang. What my friend shared with me made the initial incident (stolen Wii games/camera) look like nothing compared to what has been found in my ds's suitcase. He claims he didn't take the items but of course no one believes him. He is flying home tomorrow morning. My mind and heart were numb after talking to my friend and at this point I am at a loss as to what to do with this child. I hate that he vehemently claims he didn't take these items, I hate that I want to trust him yet cannot, I hate that a trip so looked forward to by all (my friend, mostly) has been tainted in this way. I don't believe I have ever been so grieved. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm very sorry. :grouphug: Please start researching and making calls about therapy right now, for you and the family. You will need it. This boy needs some serious help and it needs to start soon. I have seen this in boys this age and it can get a lot worse as they age. Sending good thoughts your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 My heart goes out to you. I know this is an incredibly stressful time, and I wish you wisdom and patience as you deal with the aftermath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Have you found a family therapist yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiveOaksAcademy Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I read your other post. I'm so sorry. I don't have a lot of input but one main idea. Whatever you do, be serious about it and let him and everyone else know that you are taking drastic steps to a drastic problem and that his happiness with your choices is not your top priority, nor is his liking you at the present moment. Of the people I know who had serious issues as a teen, the ones who were the most grateful and had the most positive effects were those who had parents who took a radical step to save them from themselves. They often desperately need to be saved from themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm very sorry. :grouphug: Please start researching and making calls about therapy right now, for you and the family. You will need it. This boy needs some serious help and it needs to start soon. Sending good thoughts your way. :iagree::iagree::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa R. Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 While this is devastating news, at least you still have time to make some drastic intervention in his life. When parents deal with these issues with adult children, there is very little they can do compared with what you can do now. This is a wake-up call for the whole family. This situation has highlighted the need for serious and immediate action. Better now than later. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm very sorry. :grouphug: Please start researching and making calls about therapy right now, for you and the family. You will need it. This boy needs some serious help and it needs to start soon. I have seen this in boys this age and it can get a lot worse as they age. Sending good thoughts your way. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 While this is devastating news, at least you still have time to make some drastic intervention in his life. When parents deal with these issues with adult children, there is very little they can do compared with what you can do now. This is a wake-up call for the whole family. This situation has highlighted the need for serious and immediate action. Better now than later. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Trust me, you don't want him ending up in the court system, juvenile or adult. Find a family therapist--one who will work with him AND you and your hubby, and bring in the other kids as needed. Mortgage the house if you need to--there are often a lot of learned patterns and things that can be changed if they aren't too ingrained (and with work, even if they are). You can do it! Hang in there and let your grief be fuel you can put towards finding help. Lots of :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I wish I had words of wisdom. Know your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Wait a minute. Didn't your DS know that his suitcase was going to be searched? I thought at one point that you posted that your son knew his suitcase was going to be searched every day before they travelled on. Your son is SCREAMING out for help. I get that this situation is making you feel distraught but I don't quite understand how you are, "at a loss as to what to do with this child." Therapy. For EVERYONE. Because this kid is in trouble and it doesn't sound like he's the only one in your family who is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug: Praying for wisdom :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 The advice/input you ladies gave me regarding my ds and the stealing while on vacation was wonderful - thank you! Yesterday the phone rang. What my friend shared with me made the initial incident (stolen Wii games/camera) look like nothing compared to what has been found in my ds's suitcase. He claims he didn't take the items but of course no one believes him. He is flying home tomorrow morning. My mind and heart were numb after talking to my friend and at this point I am at a loss as to what to do with this child. I hate that he vehemently claims he didn't take these items, I hate that I want to trust him yet cannot, I hate that a trip so looked forward to by all (my friend, mostly) has been tainted in this way. I don't believe I have ever been so grieved. :( He took something else? Wow!! I would have seriously considered calling the cops at this point. He needs to know that he can't just get away with this. He needs help; so does the whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I am SO very sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm glad he's coming home and everyone else can continue on and have a good trip.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Wait a minute. Didn't your DS know that his suitcase was going to be searched? I thought at one point that you posted that your son knew his suitcase was going to be searched every day before they travelled on. Apparently there were items in his suitcase he found before they ever left on the trip, not items he took while on the trip. That is according to him. He didn't make these items known and didn't know his suitcase would be searched again. Honestly, I don't know what is going on in his head or why he continues to make these incredibly stupid choices. The strange thing is I have contacted everyone he stayed with and no one recognizes these items. :confused: Therapy. For EVERYONE. Because this kid is in trouble and it doesn't sound like he's the only one in your family who is. Thanks for pointing that out. I've done nothing but analyze myself and our family unit these last few days and know help is needed. I get that this situation is making you feel distraught but I don't quite understand how you are, "at a loss as to what to do with this child." This is our first time facing something like this so obviously I don't have a set answer/process to go through. This is a horribly painful experience that we are facing with much prayer and thought and it has rocked my world. If I already had the answer of what to do with this child things would be a lot easier. As it is, this is new (thankfully) to us. Maybe this will prepare us for our next juvenile delinquent to come up the line and I won't be at a loss anymore...I'll be a seasoned mom of misfits. We have set up with a wonderful Christian man to meet with us so that is in place. I was thinking today of how insignificant this issue has made everything else in my life. A week ago I was agonizing over which math program to use next year and how to get everything scheduled in. Who cares??? I am facing the biggest challenge in my parenting and have no idea how it will play out. This is humbling beyond words and scary as heck. Suddenly I feel thrust into a world of parenting that I never wanted to be in, that was supposed to happen to some other family, not mine. How easy it is to think that if we do all the "right" things - all the things the books and forums say to do - that we will avoid issues like this. What a lie. My prayer is that the other side of this journey finds my ds with a repentant and changed heart, having drawn closer to God rather than running away from Him. I pray this makes him and us stronger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Some of us have had our Mommy World rocked like this too - not with the exact same problem, necessarily, but rocked nonetheless. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Wait a minute. I get that this situation is making you feel distraught but I don't quite understand how you are, "at a loss as to what to do with this child." Therapy. For EVERYONE. Because this kid is in trouble and it doesn't sound like he's the only one in your family who is. Wow. Maybe I'm jumping in at the wrong point, because I didn't read the original post, but that seems really harsh. We're all parents. We all come up against things that we weren't expecting and aren't prepared for. And good gracious, let's not vilify the whole family. Maybe this will prepare us for our next juvenile delinquent to come up the line and I won't be at a loss anymore...I'll be a seasoned mom of misfits. How easy it is to think that if we do all the "right" things - all the things the books and forums say to do - that we will avoid issues like this. What a lie. My prayer is that the other side of this journey finds my ds with a repentant and changed heart, having drawn closer to God rather than running away from Him. I pray this makes him and us stronger. First, I don't think you need to assume your other kids are delinquents (again, I didn't read the other post so maybe I'm wrong). You are absolutely right about doing what the books and forums say - sometimes they don't work. Sometimes kids do wrong things anyway. Sometimes they go astray. I just want to encourage you, because you seem like a wonderful mother who loves her children and is prayerfully and carefully raising them to the best of your ability. With Christ's help you can and will overcome this and you will all be better for it. I'll be praying for you and your family. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleWMN Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I'm so sorry. It sounds like you are getting help and flying him home. You are doing the right things. Parenting is hard. I certainly don't have all the answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks for pointing that out. I've done nothing but analyze myself and our family unit these last few days and know help is needed. I understand that you feel attacked. That wasn't my intention. However, your first thread on this has gone to 13 pages and it's all pretty much the group telling you to find a good family therapist. Until your reply to my post, you had not mentioned that you had actually done so. Feeling distraught for awhile under these circumstances is understandable. Posting over and over that you feel like you don't know what to do, is not. You have a child in an acute crisis and you seem rather disenchanted with your other kids, going as far as calling them "delinquents." I hope your family gets the help it needs as quickly as possible. I'm not really the praying kind but I'll toss a few out there for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in FL Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I understand that you feel attacked. That wasn't my intention. However, your first thread on this has gone to 13 pages and it's all pretty much the group telling you to find a good family therapist. Until your reply to my post, you had not mentioned that you had actually done so. Feeling distraught for awhile under these circumstances is understandable. Posting over and over that you feel like you don't know what to do, is not. You have a child in an acute crisis and you seem rather disenchanted with your other kids, going as far as calling them "delinquents." I hope your family gets the help it needs as quickly as possible. I'm not really the praying kind but I'll toss a few out there for you all. She posted only 3 times on that thread on the first day. That thread took on a ridiculous life of its own! :grouphug: to the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 However, your first thread on this has gone to 13 pages and it's all pretty much the group telling you to find a good family therapist. Until your reply to my post, you had not mentioned that you had actually done so. We started praying about a therapist as soon as this all started. I wasn't about to open the phone book and pick some random shrink, I needed to know God was leading us to the right person. I'm very sorry I didn't post an update to that. Posting over and over that you feel like you don't know what to do, is not. You have a child in an acute crisis and you seem rather disenchanted with your other kids, going as far as calling them "delinquents." Sorry, I wasn't aware that I posted "over and over". In the 13 pages of my first post I tried not to respond a lot because I was reading, soaking in the advice, leaving to cry (again). There are so many facets to this situation and each one has to be dealt with individually. And I am not 100% certain on what to do with any single thing other than get my ds and us meeting with a counselor. This wasn't a simple situation...this is huge. I adore my dc. The last thing I feel is disenchanted and my use of the word "delinquent" was a sarcastic emotionally-driven response. I almost wish I viewed my dc or at least my ds as a delinquent because then maybe I would have expected this, been ready, anything at all rather than how this has hit me. I move through my day going through the motions and my ds's face will come to mind and I break down...again. What overwhelms me most is the love I feel for this boy - it's like the love I felt when I held him for the first time when he was born...a raging love that wants to make everything OK. No, I am not disenchanted with my dc. :( I'm sorry, Jennifer3141, for responding as I did to your post. I'm trying not to let this situation affect how I'm interacting with my dh or dc (hard to do) and so my frustration/anger/grief came out here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MtnTeaching Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 My prayer is that the other side of this journey finds my ds with a repentant and changed heart, having drawn closer to God rather than running away from Him. I pray this makes him and us stronger. This is also my prayer for him and for you and your family. Your saga has really touched my heart and I have been following your updates with concern for you and for your son. (On your original thread, I was the one who mentioned that we had gone through arbitration with a boy who had broken into our outbuilding.) Please take a deep breath and try to step back for a moment. I know this has probably consumed your every waking thought. My dh and I went through a nasty awaking last year with our 14yo ds regarding online gaming and his involvement with a much older female online. It completely rocked our world and I think I was almost in shock for several days. Finally, the clarity hit and I realized it wasn't the end of the world. Kids make mistakes, its called learning. Some kids choose to learn the hard way. I think what you are receiving from most of the posters here (that may feel like attacks to you) is actually very true, very deep concern. A lot of us have also dealt with kids that look as if they are heading in the wrong direction. In those cases, it is a learning experience for us parents as well. Believe me, many of us can relate to what you are going through, at least on some level. Incidents like ours are wake-up calls for parents that we need to do something else, what we have been doing is not working. Sometimes, it is a call for drastic, rock-the-kid's-world measures. I am proud of you for asking for help and getting a counselor you trust. I know you will continue to search for other ways to help your son as well. Try to take a breath, step back, and remember there are far worse things than taking items that are not yours. Having said that, you are standing at a fork in a road and your decision to do whatever it takes to put your child on the right road needs to happen before he walks in that door. With the Lord's help, I know you can do this. I am praying for you all.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Posting over and over that you feel like you don't know what to do, is not. I have not been in this particular situation. But I have been in a situation with a teen child that rocked our family. Sometimes "I don't know what to do" is how we feel. I remember feeling lost and helpless even when I knew calling a counselor was the next step...because I am the Momma, and I am supposed to know how to fix things, and even though I could rationally follow the correct steps, I felt like I couldn't picture what came next or how I could help. Unless you've been in that place, it's hard to understand how shaken and lost you can feel as a parent. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I am facing the biggest challenge in my parenting and have no idea how it will play out. This is humbling beyond words and scary as heck. Suddenly I feel thrust into a world of parenting that I never wanted to be in, that was supposed to happen to some other family, not mine. How easy it is to think that if we do all the "right" things - all the things the books and forums say to do - that we will avoid issues like this. What a lie. My prayer is that the other side of this journey finds my ds with a repentant and changed heart, having drawn closer to God rather than running away from Him. I pray this makes him and us stronger. You can do this. :grouphug: I will be lifting you and your family in prayer. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 We started praying about a therapist as soon as this all started. I wasn't about to open the phone book and pick some random shrink, I needed to know God was leading us to the right person. I'm very sorry I didn't post an update to that. Sorry, I wasn't aware that I posted "over and over". In the 13 pages of my first post I tried not to respond a lot because I was reading, soaking in the advice, leaving to cry (again). There are so many facets to this situation and each one has to be dealt with individually. And I am not 100% certain on what to do with any single thing other than get my ds and us meeting with a counselor. This wasn't a simple situation...this is huge. I adore my dc. The last thing I feel is disenchanted and my use of the word "delinquent" was a sarcastic emotionally-driven response. I almost wish I viewed my dc or at least my ds as a delinquent because then maybe I would have expected this, been ready, anything at all rather than how this has hit me. I move through my day going through the motions and my ds's face will come to mind and I break down...again. What overwhelms me most is the love I feel for this boy - it's like the love I felt when I held him for the first time when he was born...a raging love that wants to make everything OK. No, I am not disenchanted with my dc. :( I'm sorry, Jennifer3141, for responding as I did to your post. I'm trying not to let this situation affect how I'm interacting with my dh or dc (hard to do) and so my frustration/anger/grief came out here. You have nothing to be sorry for imo. And I am sorry for being so harsh in my post because I was. I am glad to hear that you are flying him home and getting everyone some help. It sounds as if you are on the right path. There is NO ONE that you have to answer to but the Lord. All of our advice is insignificant compared to His guidance of you and your family. We all have a post or two or three that shows our anger/frustration and it's ok because we are all human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 How were they not found the first time his suitcase was searched? If nobody recognizes them, where did they come from? (What sort of items were they? Could they have been from a store?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I know what you mean about things like that making other issues look insignificant. When we decided (at about 10yo) that our son needed some help, I felt very overwhelmed. I felt like I had failed, like I must be a horrible mother, etc. Of course, none of that was the case, and thank God we had a wonderful fmaily therapist - who helped not only my son - who is doing wonderfully now - but my entire family, and made me feel a lot better about myself as well :) That was my first experience reaching out to a professional for therapy/help. It was very difficult the first time. When I needed some help of my own - it didn't take nearly as long to call :) Both times the experience was nothing but positive, and I hope that your experience will be the same. Right now it probably feels like your in a dark pit with no light to see the way out - but it will get better - and you're doing all the right things. Hang in there. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I've read both threads & haven't posted because I haven't had anything helpful to say, but I wanted to poke in here & say that I've understood your posts & tone & everything. I wouldn't know what to do, either. I'd be sarcastic about "future delinquents," too. I wouldn't update every detail--moment-by-moment of finding a counselor. I don't know if that helps at all, but :grouphug: Lots of good parents have problems w/ teenagers. Not to shrug it off, just to...try to be supportive of you. One more thing...my kids tend to be angels in front of other people, too. That doesn't mean they're HORRIBLE at home, just that no one but me ever sees their flaws & it's easy for people to assume I'm a Nazi if I don't KNOW how blessed I am. Sure I know it. That doesn't mean that 10yo & 2yo behavior doesn't make me crazy sometimes. I assume that's what you meant about your kids' behavior earlier--not that you thought you had terrible kids & sent them on this trip anyway. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 How were they not found the first time his suitcase was searched? If nobody recognizes them, where did they come from? (What sort of items were they? Could they have been from a store?) I have no idea how they were not found the first time. When his suitcase was searched for the Wii games/camera maybe they found the items right away and stopped looking? His suitcase has a bunch of obscure pockets and the items were stuffed way down at the bottom. Where they came from no one knows and that has us very confused. This suitcase has not been used in a year and anyone could have used it besides my ds. The items were older girls/women's undergarments: two bras, underwear, a slip, and a camisole (sp?). Right there you can see why my blood ran cold when my friend told me what she found, why this thing took on a whole new dimension. With great relief the emails I sent out with a picture of the items came back with people responding that the items are not theirs. My ds denies he took them or knows where they came from. His big mistake was finding them in his suitcase before leaving on this big trip and not saying something...he can't explain why he did that and we are all at a loss. I remember feeling lost and helpless even when I knew calling a counselor was the next step...because I am the Momma, and I am supposed to know how to fix things, and even though I could rationally follow the correct steps, I felt like I couldn't picture what came next or how I could help. This is exactly how I feel. One more thing...my kids tend to be angels in front of other people, too. That doesn't mean they're HORRIBLE at home, just that no one but me ever sees their flaws & it's easy for people to assume I'm a Nazi if I don't KNOW how blessed I am. Sure I know it. That doesn't mean that 10yo & 2yo behavior doesn't make me crazy sometimes. I assume that's what you meant about your kids' behavior earlier--not that you thought you had terrible kids & sent them on this trip anyway. And this is also how I feel. The behaviors my dc struggled with (eye-rolling, sighs, pouting, etc.) I figured were for my own benefit :glare: and wouldn't exhibit themselves as they did for my friend. Yet my dc showed their true colors and I'm almost thankful for it because I needed someone else - someone who thought my dc were "almost perfect" - to see what I deal with. As for my ds's stealing...no one saw that coming. So here's our plan so far: 1. Begin meeting with family counselor. 2. Ds's room will be packed up - he will have only his clothes and nothing else as far as stuff in his cabinet/drawers. This is for his protection because if something goes missing it won't be able to be concealed (hopefully) in his room. 3. He will not be allowed to carry a wallet or have any $. 4. He will not be allowed to be unattended at anyone's house. If we go somewhere as a family he stays with either dh or I at all times. 5. He begins working for my dh at the rental house to pay off the $400 plane ticket we just bought. I'm going to go reapply the makeup that is now a mess on my face from crying and have a day out with my dc. Ladies, I adore you all. I lurk on this forum because I rarely have anything to contribute yet I soak in the advice and ideas. When it is my turn to ask for input you have always come through and in this matter you have been a rock to me. Thank you all for praying for me, my ds and my family. Thank you for letting me know we are not alone in facing something like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug: I have no words of wisdom, but I can pray for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug: aanad prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinRTX Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Enjoy your children today. Unless someone has actually walked the path with older children, they really do not understand. It is so much easier when they are younger and under our feet constantly. You are pregnant. You are overwhelmed. You have been blindsided. Know also that you are loved. You will come through this on the other side and be stronger and your son will be stronger. You are a great mom. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) I understand that you feel attacked. That wasn't my intention. However, your first thread on this has gone to 13 pages and it's all pretty much the group telling you to find a good family therapist. Until your reply to my post, you had not mentioned that you had actually done so. Feeling distraught for awhile under these circumstances is understandable. Posting over and over that you feel like you don't know what to do, is not. You have a child in an acute crisis and you seem rather disenchanted with your other kids, going as far as calling them "delinquents." I hope your family gets the help it needs as quickly as possible. I'm not really the praying kind but I'll toss a few out there for you all. :iagree: It sounds like you have gotten control of the situation and have a manageable plan. I'm the mom of a teen, one without these difficulties. However, I was a troubled teen and with that my parents had gotten me help. Good luck! Edited July 14, 2011 by YLVD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug: I haven't been through something like this, but I think you are a wonderful and loving mother. Your children are blessed to have you. Take care of yourself as you go through this trial. Prayers for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Also remember that at 14 you don't have to give a consequence right away. Let him know that it will be fair and decided on at a later time. (when you talk to the counselor) This way, he'll be "waiting" and you'll have time to talk through the best choices with someone. There are probably many things to put in place with him, and you won't have to backtrack if you just tell him that you'll be going through everything with a counselor. Also, don't make it look like you're taking all this to everyone and giving him a bad reputation. It might get out, but I wouldn't want for my child to feel like "everyone knows"... Hugs to ya! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Also, realize that a counselor might not have enough training to deal with this issue; you may very well need to work your way up to someone with even more training. I'm not sure if it's a "lay person" you're going to or someone who has medical training, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyCrazyMama Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I have no idea how they were not found the first time. When his suitcase was searched for the Wii games/camera maybe they found the items right away and stopped looking? His suitcase has a bunch of obscure pockets and the items were stuffed way down at the bottom. Where they came from no one knows and that has us very confused. This suitcase has not been used in a year and anyone could have used it besides my ds. The items were older girls/women's undergarments: two bras, underwear, a slip, and a camisole (sp?). Right there you can see why my blood ran cold when my friend told me what she found, why this thing took on a whole new dimension. With great relief the emails I sent out with a picture of the items came back with people responding that the items are not theirs. My ds denies he took them or knows where they came from. His big mistake was finding them in his suitcase before leaving on this big trip and not saying something...he can't explain why he did that and we are all at a loss. This is exactly how I feel. And this is also how I feel. The behaviors my dc struggled with (eye-rolling, sighs, pouting, etc.) I figured were for my own benefit :glare: and wouldn't exhibit themselves as they did for my friend. Yet my dc showed their true colors and I'm almost thankful for it because I needed someone else - someone who thought my dc were "almost perfect" - to see what I deal with. As for my ds's stealing...no one saw that coming. So here's our plan so far: 1. Begin meeting with family counselor. 2. Ds's room will be packed up - he will have only his clothes and nothing else as far as stuff in his cabinet/drawers. This is for his protection because if something goes missing it won't be able to be concealed (hopefully) in his room. 3. He will not be allowed to carry a wallet or have any $. 4. He will not be allowed to be unattended at anyone's house. If we go somewhere as a family he stays with either dh or I at all times. 5. He begins working for my dh at the rental house to pay off the $400 plane ticket we just bought. I'm going to go reapply the makeup that is now a mess on my face from crying and have a day out with my dc. Ladies, I adore you all. I lurk on this forum because I rarely have anything to contribute yet I soak in the advice and ideas. When it is my turn to ask for input you have always come through and in this matter you have been a rock to me. Thank you all for praying for me, my ds and my family. Thank you for letting me know we are not alone in facing something like this. Wait a minute, were the items in a area they didn't check before or could have been missed? If they are not new and no one recognizes them I'm inclined to believe him myself. I can see why a 14 yo may not want to comment on ladies underwear and just leave them in the suitcase pocket and ignore them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I just want to add one thing to your wonderful plan!! Great to think it out ahead of time and be on the same page with your husband. I know you have been stressed/frustrated/disappointed beyond what you need right now...I am not excusing your son's behavior in any way, but I do want to encourage you to receive him at the airport with just your husband and you (no other kids)...I want you both to HUG him, tell him you Love him. All the 'discussions' can be held off until he has a day to 'decompress' and you and your husband have a day to 'decompress'... You can explain that because of his actions some things have changed around the house (his room) and that it was decided to be for him not as a punishment. The bottom line here is you want him to accept responsibility (that may only come from many sessions with a therapist) but you want him to accept it willingly and with remorse. It is all too easy to be filled with all the questions we parents want answers to "Why did you do this?" "How could you ruin another family's vacation" "What were you thinking??" And he is probably expecting you to do this...throw him for a loop, give him love and succinctly tell him you are disappointed and willing to 'hear him out'..let him say as much as he wants to..but do not jump on him with the "Really, in what world would we allow that?" kind of knee jerk response...you're on a fact finding mission...you're trying to discern if he truly is remorseful...you're trying to find out if there are motives (new baby and siblings can be a stressor we don't consider...the oldest feels left out and cries out for attention..not that this is it but it's one of a hundred possibilities) and you're letting him do it in a non-hostile environment...he needs to know that his home is a safe loving environment.. It is HARD! Believe me, we've had several "come to Jesus" meetings where I got things off my chest, but realized later that it only served me not my child. This is such a severe transgression that it needs to be approached with a plan (which you've got under control!) and heart (which I know you have just based on your concerns for everyone)... I'll be praying for you all.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 So here's our plan so far: 1. Begin meeting with family counselor. 2. Ds's room will be packed up - he will have only his clothes and nothing else as far as stuff in his cabinet/drawers. This is for his protection because if something goes missing it won't be able to be concealed (hopefully) in his room. 3. He will not be allowed to carry a wallet or have any $. 4. He will not be allowed to be unattended at anyone's house. If we go somewhere as a family he stays with either dh or I at all times. 5. He begins working for my dh at the rental house to pay off the $400 plane ticket we just bought. I think your plan sounds excellent. Just a comment about number 5...I think a boy working with his dad---especially physical work---is helpful on so many levels. I hope the tone of that can be 'well, this is a consequence but hey let's enjoy being together and you learning some skiills too.' My dss14 worked with dh the entire 6 weeks he was here this summer. He made some serious money (for a 14 year old!!) and kept busy and most importantly got to spend time with his dad. DH loved it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 :grouphug: Honestly, if nobody recognizes the underwear, I would be inclined to think it is possible that he did just find them. Does the suitcase have a history? (used luggage, bought from Goodwill or something?) I'm not sure that those items need to make your blood run cold or anything. :grouphug: I know this is hard, and you're doing good things. And for what it's worth, your other kids don't sound awful. They sound as if they, like all of us, are obnoxious at times. A 14 yr old who makes a production of everything? Isn't that the definition of logic stage? (Again, I don't have older kids, so I don't know.) Eye rolling, huffing, tendency towards self centeredness? Regrettable, and I may be wrong, but these don't sound terrible. They sound human and adolescent. It doesn't sound like the entire family is riddled with problems, although of course, I think most families can benefit from good family therapy. :) I would give yourself a break. I don't see a huge pattern here of all of your kids being awful people or anything. You have a 14 yr old son who has a problem and has done some dumb stuff. But you're doing the right thing. :grouphug: Be gentle with yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 I know you have been stressed/frustrated/disappointed beyond what you need right now...I am not excusing your son's behavior in any way, but I do want to encourage you to receive him at the airport with just your husband and you (no other kids)...I want you both to HUG him, tell him you Love him. All the 'discussions' can be held off until he has a day to 'decompress' and you and your husband have a day to 'decompress'... My dh picked our ds up this afternoon (I couldn't go...no babysitter) and gave him a huge hug, no big talks, etc. I did the same when ds came in - although I must say it was like seeing a stranger walk in and that felt horrible. Ds moved right into the family routine and the only thing we've done today in regards to the situation is clean out ds's cabinet. He didn't even balk at it and I had him explain to me why it was being done. I have no idea what is going on in his head (remorse, fear, etc.) because right now he is business as usual. I did speak with the man who will be counseling us and hopefully tomorrow or Sunday night we will get together. Honestly, if nobody recognizes the underwear, I would be inclined to think it is possible that he did just find them. Does the suitcase have a history? (used luggage, bought from Goodwill or something?) I'm not sure that those items need to make your blood run cold or anything. It did come from Goodwill but one thing I keep thinking is that friends have given us many huge black trash bags of clothes over the last few months, mostly older girls clothes. One of my dds could have played "vacation" and stuffed the items in her suitcase, my 2yo could have done it! There is something that is making me hesitate in regards to blaming my ds for those items yet at the same time I'm not saying that to him and will just wait and see what comes from the counseling sessions. Again, thank you ladies. I have repeated this to myself many times each day: You are pregnant.You are overwhelmed. You have been blindsided. Know also that you are loved. You will come through this on the other side and be stronger and your son will be stronger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I have not jumped in before now, though I've followed both threads. I simply had no clue how I would feel in your shoes. At this point, I just want to send you a boatload of hugs and tell you how impressed I am by not only the grace you have displayed, but your courage and resolute heart as well. Your young man is blessed to have a mom who is willing to roll up her sleeves and tackle the situation. May the LORD bless and keep you firmly in His grip as you walk this path with your son, husband and other children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Many hugs and prayers for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I have no advice or anything. but I just wanted to share that a child who has stolen once, doesn't necessarily grow up to be a criminal. My mother had 8 children. every single one of us stole at some point. I stole some change and bought some candy ( I was never found out, the feeling of guilt stopped me from ever doing it again) one of my sister's shoplifted. The shop keeper rang my parents, he knew it would be dealt with. None of us 8 children grew up to do any criminal acts at all, nobody ever stole anything again. We didn't even know that the others had ever stolen something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) I think your plan is good. I would make sure that you constantly reevaluate the plan and don't assume just because you are seeing a counselor that it will solve everything. Even if you like the counselor, if he is not effective for your DS then you may need to look for a different one. I would be very careful about either believing your DS too easily or not believing about everything. It is easy to make both mistakes. Also if any of the other kids are the type to take advantage of a situation, be careful of them sabotaging the situation or trying to get your DS into trouble. That is why family counseling can be useful. Sometimes a bad dynamic is created with "good kids" and "bad kids" within a family. Edited July 16, 2011 by OrganicAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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