For wives who do not believe in submitting...

[ciyates]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

[Beth in Mint Hill]

Oooh, that is a hard one!

 

That's why the president/vice-president model of marriage works great for me! We just went into our relationship with the idea that in a situation like that he is the Pres and I am the Vice-Pres. We are equals in every way most of the time, but when push comes to shove he gets the last word.

 

It has worked out, even though there are soooo many times when I have felt that mine was the superior reason. :)

[bettyandbob]

well we have a lot of disagreements regarding one of our dc. This particular child has many "issues" so we have a constant balance of how to handle. I usually go with dh desire. He liberal and lenient compared to me and the child involved is taller, heavier and stronger than both of us so if I'm not going to have back up on my decision there's no point.

 

with my middle child I stick to my guns. dh has seen the effects of his more lenient style on oldest and generally agrees to what I say about middle child. middle child doesn't have "issues" beyond being a typical 13yo. Dh was mad that I refused to let dd attend a party when she lied about finishing school work (a lot of schoolwork). And he wanted to pack her up and drive her to the party when she reacted dramatically to the punishment. After the fact he realizes it's better that she have consequences particularly for lying--I was much more upset about lying than not doing the work.

 

We don't disagree about child number 3.

 

The most important thing is presenting a united front. So, when we agree to disagree and one of us going against the other we never say this in front of dc. That can be hard. The situation may be that a dc wants to a attend an activity one parent does not agree with. If that's the case and dc ends up going, then the parent who is letting the dc go has to do all the "back-up" (driving, packing, permission forms, etc).

 

Sorry this probably isn't helpful. And I think most of our issues stem from dc number 1 having "issues" (multiple dx) and having to respond to said "issues" in a way that one may not consider handling a typical teen.

[noah&emmasmommy]

It may be a situation where one of you will have to humbly compromise and allow the other one's opinion to be the decision. Maybe you could have an agreement that would state that if the decision made ends up not being the best one, then you will immediately re-asses the situation and go another direction.

I'm not sure what type of advice to give you in this. I do believe in submitting to my husband, but it can be very difficult. I am blessed with a husband who greatly values my opinion, and often leaves decisions up to me anyway.

Is your child old enough to weigh in with his/her opinion? (say, 13 or older?) If so, you might let that help you decide. I think marriage is about compromise and agreement, and we all have to work at it every day. Sorry if that's not much help. It sounds like a tough decision, and I pray that the right one is made with much prayer and consideration. Blessings to you.

[mmasmommy]

:grouphug:

 

I have been there. I wanted a thrid child DH did not. No compromising in that situation! We went round and round for 3+ years. There were a lot of tears, frustration, and I almost left once. In the end we were blessed with that 3rd child quite by accident. Laying in the hospital bed after she was born DH said to me "you were 100% right and I was 100% wrong".

 

All that to say, is this the hill you want to die on? Is there any room for compromise? You said this is about raising your child, is it possible to give one persons idea a try for xx amount of time and if it doesn't work to move to the other persons idea? I know how diffifult and frustrating it can be to be at a stalemate with your spouse. If there's any room for compromise in any fashion I'd give it a try.

[snickelfritz]

Can you get a fresh perspective or do new research? If it was an activity, I would talk to someone new, who had experience, to get their perspective. Or do more reading. If you had good, trusted friends, maybe you could ask for impartial opinions? Each of you make a list of concerns, or the biggest concern, and the other tries to address it?

 

We, honestly, haven't had a decision where A. It didn't impact someone more, so they got a bigger vote (who is driving them there, etc...) or B. Someone didn't have a stronger opinion (I don't really want them to, but feel mildly and he REALLY wants them to.)

[Peela]

Even though we are equal, we are unique and each of us tends to naturally have more authority in certain areas. There are issues around the kids where I simply don't ask dh as we probably would disagree, but they are not huge issues, and I take authority there as a matter of course because I do the day to day parenting more than he does. I don't want the hassle so I dont ask.

When we made the decision to homeschool- that was a big and we were even living separately at the time, but I still felt I needed his agreement. I had to work really hard to get him to agree to a 6 month trial. After that initial decision, I made most of the decisions regarding homeschooling, and eventually, our kids going back out into the world.

Other issues- such as safety, I often do defer to him. As the kids are asking to go to parties, drive in other peoples' cars...I have asked them to check with their dad first. He is stricter. We both also are very intuitive, and I would like us both to check in with our gut feelings each and every time. I don't bother deferring to him if I have already said no, though.

Day to day money stuff he tends to make more decisions than me, but usually consults with me.

 

So...we are not weighed equally in all areas. If the decision you need to make regarding your child affects one of you personally more than the other, I think that should alter the balance of whose decision should weigh more. Or perhaps one of you is far more experienced in a certain area- perhaps that should weigh more.

 

If its all equal...one of you will have to allow the other to win, so to speak. But remember it and make sure it isn't that way every time.

[snickelfritz]

I wanted to add, that in thinking through past decisions......If we don't both agree, we err on the side of doing nothing.

 

This works for decisions like camp or activities, though it might not for medical decisions or for decisions where a choice MUST be made, like picking one activity or another. In which case, we would let the child's opinion weigh in (for the activities, not the medical part.)

[Jennifer3141]

Hmmm... I guess in 15 years together, it's never been an issue. Either one of us will cede the decision to the one who is either more passionate or more informed.

 

Our worst fight ever was over circumsizing my son. I would not do it. EVER. DH wanted it done. We fought for weeks over it. Finally, DH understood I wasn't backing down and I acknowledged that if I've made a horrible mistake and DS wants it done someday, I'll have to explain why I did what I did and then I owe him a circumcision. :D

 

DH is a medical doctor so I cede most medical decisions to him. This doesn't mean I don't question him - especially outside of his field. I'm the biology/animal/farming/food/schooling person and he likes questioning me to see if I've REALLY got it handled.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Jennifer3141

[Mimm]

One of you gets your way. The other doesn't. I consider my marriage very equal but I would say in decisions where it's a yes or no, my husband gets his way more often than me, simply because I'm more willing to stand back and see what happens. If it's something very important to me, I'll dig my heals in and we argue about it. Eventually someone "wins" the argument. We will reach a point where it's not worth the damage to our relationship to keep pushing the other person in a direction that they don't want to go and we'll give in.

 

We rarely have disagreements like that any more. Most decisions are made by the person that it affects the most, but with input from the other person. Or by the person who cares more about it. We recently disagreed about something relating to our children's education. I listened to him, we argued a bit, we didn't reach any compromise, but I got my way.

[Haiku]

In situations like that, we let the person to whom it matters more have their way. For example, I don't think my dd17 should be riding around with her friends due to the statistics on teen drivers and accidents (dd17 also does not have her license). My husband disagrees with this. It matters more to me, so I got my way.

 

Tara

[CalicoKat]

:lurk5:

Edited June 17, 2011 by CalicoKat
nm

[july19]

Our marriage is young (under 5 years) and I'm not really of the generation who believes in "submitting"....but I think both of us "submit" at different times. Sort of an unspoken equal compromise that is always there.

 

An example is, I want another baby. Badly. And while he desperately wants another one, too, he says it's necessary to wait until we move. (His parents bought our rental house and moved in...and things are...frustrating, to say the least.) I know he's right, so we wait. There's going to be at least 6 years between our kids and I really didn't want that, but again, I know he's right.

 

Conversely, we needed a new video recorder (it's a work related item) and he had his eyes (and drool) set on one that was about $200 more than I what I wanted to spend. We had the money (meaning we could spend the total amount and still be more than able to pay the bills for this month and next month). But I still wanted to not spend that amount (less we spend now, the more fun money we have for our vacation to FL next month :p ). So, he agreed, and still ended up with a nice video recorder.

 

Same applies to our son. Sometimes, I get my way. Sometimes, he gets his. It's important to us that the same person doesn't continually get their way all the time. It's a 50/50 partnership and we (so far, at least!) do a wonderful job at hearing each other out. All of that being said, I think in a real emergency, we would probably go his way regardless of the situation. I don't do well in crisis situations and he does.

 

Since this is about your child, does the situation allow for maybe trying your way for ___ amount of time and if it doesn't work, try his way? Nonetheless, :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Tincture of time, if you have that luxury.

[*Lulu*]

We received some excellent advice about decision making prior to our marriage. It takes two yeses and only one no. In other words if even one of you says no, the answer is no.

 

As far as submission goes, there have been times in our marriage when each of us has chosen to submit to the others' plan/idea/preference. If it was always a one way street it would bother me, but as it stands I am willing to "lose" occasionally.

 

Another way we have resolved a stalemate is for each of us to make a pro-con list for our preference. Who ever has the most pros, (or the least egregious cons), gets their way.

[KarenC]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

When it comes to the kids, if it is something that I feel strongly about, then I get the last word. I will not back down when my children are involved. Anything else, I may feel strongly about it, but dh usually gets the last word.

 

Karen

[chiguirre]

For us, it depends on who feels more strongly and who will be more directly affected by the decision. If we're really at loggerheads, I consider if I'd prefer to get my way and feel guilty if I'm wrong, or give in and enjoy the show if I'm right. As long as it's clearly understood that if we go with dh's plan and it blows up, he will be responsible for cleaning up the mess, I'm willing to give it a try. But, we've never had a really major, life altering issue where we disagreed, just the more mundane, fairly easily fixed situations.

 

Can you shift some of the most unpleasant aspects of implementing the decision to your dh, so that it's less appealing to him and more appealing to you (or vice versa)? For example, if he wants to try ps, can he be the parent in charge of all administrative interface? He's the one who has to talk to the teacher, go to any meetings, deal with the paperwork, do the fundraisers, etc.

 

When we started hsing, dh was not on board. It was just a question of him not fully understanding the difficulty of dealing with the ps. Once he had to attend an IEP meeting, he understood and agreed with my position.

[Laura Corin]

Very hard. In general, for us, the person who feels most strongly/will be most affected wins. This works because a) our opinions are not very far apart, in general and b) because we have enormous trust in our spouse's good will and intelligence.

 

Laura

[LaxMom]

That's basically how we roll too. In almost 12 years it has hardly come up though. We seem to be able to see eye to eye on things (even if at first we didn't). For the rare instances it has come up the person who is most affected by the decision gets their way.

 

Us, too, generally speaking.

 

We received some excellent advice about decision making prior to our marriage. It takes two yeses and only one no. In other words if even one of you says no, the answer is no.

And we have employed this tactic when neither of us was willing to give in, and came up with a plan C.

[july19]

Very hard. In general, for us, the person who feels most strongly/will be most affected wins. This works because a) our opinions are not very far apart, in general and b) because we have enormous trust in our spouse's good will and intelligence.

 

Laura

 

:iagree: Husband and I are very rarely too far apart opinion wise, too! Definitely cut from the same cloth :lol:

[twoforjoy]

I'm also of the mindset that, if a decision must be made right now--and sometimes sitting on something for a while can be the best option, and lead to a more productive discussion in the future--it should be made by the person who will be most impacted by that decision or who is most invested in that decision. So, for example, if we have a disagreement over where our money is going that we can't come to a compromise on, I'll defer to DH because he is the one bringing in the vast majority of our income. If we have a disagreement over discipline we can't come to a compromise on, he'll defer to me, because I'm the one who is doing most of the discipline.

 

That happens very rarely, though. We've had very few decisions that had to be made before we could come to an agreement or compromise.

[Sahamamama]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

We had something like this a few years ago, but it wasn't directly about raising the girls. It was work/relocation related. He wanted to, I didn't think it was feasible or even profitable. He wanted to leave me in one state with three babies, poor health, and no transportation, so he could work/live in another state. He thought that I would handle the babies 24/7, get the house ready for selling, pack everything, and he would come home on weekends so we could show the house. :glare: I didn't even have a way to get groceries, let alone go anywhere in an emergency. He was willing to do this, take a $20,000 to $30,000 loss (at least) on the house, to live in a more expensive part of another (less desirable) state -- all for $5,000 more per year? :001_huh:

 

I said no.

 

He would not relent, he just saw the dollar signs. :confused:

 

In the end, I told him to do whatever, but that if he acted like he was single, then his situation would mirror his actions. IOW, if you really go through with this, and I am opposed to it, then you are going into this on your own, and that is how you will live. I would not have followed him down there. I don't really know what I would have done.

 

It was terrible, actually.

 

But I did see The Big Picture much better than he did/could/would. And I truly don't believe that I was supposed to simply shut up about it, and say, "Yes, Dear." I also don't understand how married people can make unilateral decisions that affect both parties. You have to compromise or concede somehow. If you make UNILATERAL decisions, then you are acting like you're still the only person affected and in this "marriage." Frankly, I don't think I checked my brain at the door when I married this man, and this was a BIG decision that would have impacted all of us.

 

When the dust all settled down, my husband promised to never do that again -- to never, ever again push to that extent against my honest perspective and advice. He realized later that it would have been devastating for us to have made that move, that it would have been next to impossible to sustain it. He told me later that he was so caught up in his own pursuit of a bigger paycheck, that he had lost sight of the whole view.

 

Since then, we have had a few similar big decisions, and his approach has been much more "married." ;) IOW, he actually acts like he wants, needs, and values my POV. He honors me, and I honor him. We've just made a decision to leave his job and move onto a new, better one -- even though it's going to be more work for all of us. The timing is right for us now.

 

I think that if you don't agree, you have to keep working it out, until you do. HTH.

[hsbaby]

We rarely disagree to such an extent. As many others have said, if we did it would come down to who was more passionate on the subject. Usually that is me;). Fortunately my dh is very easy going and I usually get my way in the end...heehee:)

[QuirkyKapers]

If there is time, than we table the discussion and decision until later. Usually, there is another solution that hadn't originally been in the mix. For the most part, we are usually on the same page. However, our communication styles are different so even though we may be on the same page, we may not be hearing each other as being on the same page :) If a quick decision needs to be made, usually we go with the person who feel more strongly about something.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:iagree: that is a toughie..... :grouphug:

[twoforjoy]

For the most part, we are usually on the same page. However, our communication styles are different so even though we may be on the same page, we may not be hearing each other as being on the same page :)

 

This has happened to my DH and I so many times. We'll be arguing back and forth about something for a while before it occurs to us that we're actually both on the same page, we're just expressing it differently.

[mommymilkies]

I usually make the decisions. Very rarely does dh veto my decision and even then I put those years of Poli Sci classes to use and am pretty persuasive. :lol:

[Mom-ninja.]

My DH is the one who will agree with my decision when I feel strongly enough to not compromise.

[Parrothead]

It is going to depend on the subject matter. It it is a medical decision regarding dd we would seek more than one opinion. Sooner or later a consensus would be reached.

 

If it is a child rearing question or homeschooling situation the person who presented the most logical argument would probably get her way.

 

Most anything else we would research the situation and compare notes. Nothing would be done until we agree. We have both at times admitted that we can be and were wrong.

[GWOB]

In situations like that, we let the person to whom it matters more have their way. For example, I don't think my dd17 should be riding around with her friends due to the statistics on teen drivers and accidents (dd17 also does not have her license). My husband disagrees with this. It matters more to me, so I got my way.

 

Tara

 

 

:iagree: If it matters more to one of us to do ____ than it does to the other to NOT do _____, one of us usually concedes. For example, my dh really wanted to make homemade beer. In our bedroom:glare:. I really did not enjoy this idea. Finally I realized it mattered much more to him to make it there (something about temperature) than it matter to me, so I gave in. I didn't think of it a submitting. I thought of it as being humble. He's done the same for me.

[Joanne]

It is hard to respond to the vague situation.

 

I'm wondering, though...........Is there a way to make the decision based on one partner's preference, but the other ("opposing") partner has a significant role in how it plays out?

 

The key, post decision, seems to be that the partner whose decision got utilized not stay stuck on having won, and avoid "see, I told you!". And the partner whose decision was not chosen avoids "See, I told you so! That's why I didn't want this one."

 

Also, and this is probably not an issue in the OP, I'd have to consider patterns, especially patterns of dysfunction or poor decision making. If my partner had a pattern of bad financial decisions, and the issue was another financial decision, I'd be more likely to hold my perspective more strongly.

[Sukale]

Someone will have to give more. My dh went to work everyday for 9 yrs at a good job. He was maxed out there and while he didn't hate it he didn't like it either. When he decided he wanted to look for a new job I told him to do whatever would make him happy. I never thought he would not be able to find a new job in our area. Then he started looking for jobs in other states. I DID NOT want to move away from my family, the small town I grew up in, on the piece of land that had been in my family for several generations. But I had to look at it in his eyes. He is a man wanting to take care of his family. How could I expect him to go to work everyday at a dead end job for the next 30 yrs. So he asked me what states he could look for a job in. I thought that if I have to move from WV and all of my family, I am going to live close to the beach. So he looked for jobs within 30 miles from a beach. We ended up just outside of Charleston SC. He understands that I will travel back to WV a few times a yr to visit. Sometimes he comes with us. He also understands that my family will come to visit and stay with us a couple times a yr so we can all go to the beach together.

I feel like we both gave but I may have gave a little more, but it was worth it to have a happy husband who likes getting up and going to work everyday. He has said he feels more like a man knowing he can provide more for his family.

[Tarreymere]

I have been married three times, widowed once and divorced once. If we were talking about one of my first two husbands then the final decision would alway rest with me just because I think I was the mature, thoughtful one in those relationships.

 

With my current husband, I do trust him to make good choices and I know that he truly means the best for us. I am not a submissive wife, but I do tend to 'allow' him to be the head of our household :D and I do not feel threatened by that even if he makes different choices than I would. He would never give me orders or tell me to do what he thought needed to be done. He always informs me of any choices he is contemplating that concern our family and asks for my input. I don't always give him input, mostly because there aren't too many things he would contemplate that I am concerned enough about to invest myself in.

 

With my current husband, the spouse who is more invested in the choice will usually be able to go ahead with their choice, all other things being equal, if that choice is still disagreed on. The other spouse then has to be supportive as possible.

[fairfarmhand]

Someone will have to give more. My dh went to work everyday for 9 yrs at a good job. He was maxed out there and while he didn't hate it he didn't like it either. When he decided he wanted to look for a new job I told him to do whatever would make him happy. I never thought he would not be able to find a new job in our area. Then he started looking for jobs in other states. I DID NOT want to move away from my family, the small town I grew up in, on the piece of land that had been in my family for several generations. But I had to look at it in his eyes. He is a man wanting to take care of his family. How could I expect him to go to work everyday at a dead end job for the next 30 yrs. So he asked me what states he could look for a job in. I thought that if I have to move from WV and all of my family, I am going to live close to the beach. So he looked for jobs within 30 miles from a beach. We ended up just outside of Charleston SC. He understands that I will travel back to WV a few times a yr to visit. Sometimes he comes with us. He also understands that my family will come to visit and stay with us a couple times a yr so we can all go to the beach together.

I feel like we both gave but I may have gave a little more, but it was worth it to have a happy husband who likes getting up and going to work everyday. He has said he feels more like a man knowing he can provide more for his family.

 

I just love this!!!

 

Sometimes when we disagree it helps the most to have both of us turn it around and think "Ok, why would she/he want things to turn out like that? What would be the benefits? What would be the draw backs?"

[LittleIzumi]

It depends on the situation. Things that are more his area of expertise (his own school & work decisions) he gets the final say. Things that are more my area of expertise (re: the children, for example), I get the final say. It's not formal--that's just how we tend to work. We all discuss & send links & reason but the person closest to it decides. The other person usually agrees that it was the best choice afterwards (or the choser admits it wasn't and the other gives a hearty nod, lol, but isn't rude about it).

[LittleIzumi]

I have been married three times, widowed once and divorced once. If we were talking about one of my first two husbands then the final decision would alway rest with me just because I think I was the mature, thoughtful one in those relationships.

 

With my current husband, I do trust him to make good choices and I know that he truly means the best for us. I am not a submissive wife, but I do tend to 'allow' him to be the head of our household :D and I do not feel threatened by that even if he makes different choices than I would. He would never give me orders or tell me to do what he thought needed to be done. He always informs me of any choices he is contemplating that concern our family and asks for my input. I don't always give him input, mostly because there aren't too many things he would contemplate that I am concerned enough about to invest myself in.

 

With my current husband, the spouse who is more invested in the choice will usually be able to go ahead with their choice, all other things being equal, if that choice is still disagreed on. The other spouse then has to be supportive as possible.

 

It's kind of funny because I feel that way too, but it's about dh pre-diagnosis/medication with ADD and post-diagnosis/medication with ADD. In years past I was the one making the decisions generally because I was best equipped for it. Now that he can think more clearly & more to his intellectual potential, the decisions have moved to the person most invested and it works beautifully.

[SailorMom]

Dh and I always listen to the other's opinion - but usually it is up to the person it either A) means more to, or B) has more expertise in whatever it is about.

For example - I ask DH's opinion on HS issues, but in the end, it's up to me.... whereas he would make any final calls on cars, house stuff, etc.

This has just worked its way out over the years.

[DianeW88]

We usually don't disagree on too many things, and on the rare chance that we do, we generally talk it through until we come to a consensus. On something regarding the kids though, he'll defer to my decision, since I spend the most time with them and do most of the day to day parenting and all of the homeschooling (I'm a SAHM and he works full time).

[ma23peas]

It is not that I do not believe in submitting, I believe the word conjurs up women under harsh authority of a controlling husband...while if done correctly out of love and respect for one another is a beautiful thing...

 

That said, in your situation I would pray and my husband would pray for clarification...God is our authority not us over one another...if you do not have that hierarchy, I can see where conflict could cause a standstill. God has never failed us on making an answer to a decision very clear, it may not be in 24 hours but it always comes.

 

Hope you find peace on it soon!

[Veritaserum]

In situations like that (about a child), the one who has done more research gets the final say. Or if it's not an issue to be researched, the one who feels more strongly gets the final say. Usually we talk and talk until we each understand the other's position. At that point one of us concedes.

 

Where the kids are concerned, I usually make the final decision because I am the primary caregiver and tend to do a lot more reading/thinking/research before I make a decision.

[Gailmegan]

Dh and I always listen to the other's opinion - but usually it is up to the person it either A) means more to, or B) has more expertise in whatever it is about.

For example - I ask DH's opinion on HS issues, but in the end, it's up to me.... whereas he would make any final calls on cars, house stuff, etc.

This has just worked its way out over the years.

 

:iagree:

 

And if it's really too close to call, then we err on the side of caution/inaction. No big changes or risks unless both of us are on board.

[ChandlerMom]

Hmmm... I guess in 15 years together, it's never been an issue. Either one of us will cede the decision to the one who is either more passionate or more informed.

 

:iagree: Same here, except only 12yrs. :D

 

Having common goals and communicating daily helps, too.

 

Before our kids were born we agreed that when it came to dc, whichever parent was the more conservative safety-wise "wins". That applies to everything from whether to take them to the ER, avoiding taking them on unnecessary car trips, to which activities they do. If it is an issue of safety in one parent's eyes, the other respects that. After all, the consequences of being wrong are higher.

 

So, I guess I would add that discussing "in principle" what criteria are important to you for making a decision (as a team) can be helpful.

 

If you cannot resolve it on criteria, maybe one parent is willing to yield (not a fan of "submit, :lol:) with the promise that next time you cannot resolve the other will yield. :)

 

In the end, you have to be able to let go and take that decision as yours (as a team) and not hold a grudge. ;)

[Retired]

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

Well with the kids I usually just make the decisions and if I have problems/concerns we discuss it. I may try something my way and when its not working I ask him what he would do and we do it his way. My oldest wanted to workout of state last summer. I thought he wasn't ready and my dh thought he was. I let him go because well dh was a teen guy and I am raising teen guys and so I say he had more experience. Well mmm my dh regrets like crazy letting him go.

 

But there have been times I did it my way and regretted not doing it his way.

 

I know just this week we discussed refinancing our mortgage i was against it we should just buckle down and pay the thing off - he went on and contacted a mortgage company and had it all set up - but after 3 days he decided I was right:001_smile:

 

We just respect the other, support the other and we don't make it about who's the boss

 

I grew up with a dad that ruled and my mom was like a child she was so submissive. Its not balanced.

 

I would say we summit to each other but we both no the others OPINION:D

[QueenCat]

Very hard. In general, for us, the person who feels most strongly/will be most affected wins. This works because a) our opinions are not very far apart, in general and b) because we have enormous trust in our spouse's good will and intelligence.

 

Laura

 

:iagree:That's pretty much how we handle it here.

[SunD]

We decide disagreements based on who is more passionate, more knowledgeable, or more invested.

 

If we truly are equally passionate, equally knowledgeable, and equally invested, we meet our most trusted friends (also a married couple) and lay out the situation and our positions for them. This works for us because the husband is truly my friend and the wife is truly DH's friend too ... it's not the husbands vs the wives. We've both known the wife individually for a long time, and the husband has become a very good friend since they started dating. We've only had to schedule a meeting with them twice. Everything else has been decided pretty easily once we remind ourselves about passion, knowledge, and vested interest.

[stephanier.1765]

When it comes to child raising usually it's my choice since I'm the one most involved. However, if he really felt strongly about something then I probably would honor that.

[rlugbill]

If you can't agree, then you talk some more. I am an attorney and a former mediator and try to use these points.

 

Use the proper process. Process is key. And have some ground rules you both agree to about how to do this. Set aside a time to meet. Sometimes, meeting in a public place is helpful to get people on good behavior.

 

Allow each person time to speak as long as he wants without interruption. Then, the other person can speak as long as she wants. No interruption. Rather than going directly to what you want, explain the situation from your perspective. Listen carefully to what the other person says and try to rephrase what they are saying so they know they've been understood.

 

Most important- get beyond positions and get to the reasons behind your position. In other words, you can get stuck with one person saying we have to visit my parents and the other saying we have to visit mine. State your interests, rather than positions. And ask the other person to state their interest, rather than his position.

 

Brainstorm. Spend 10-15 minutes writing down ideas (not positions) with no judgment. Just ideas. Be creative. Be wild. No judgment. Write down every idea, regardless of how crazy it is.

 

Then, after this time is up, go through the list and see if there is something you can both agree to. Or, maybe a combination of different ideas. If you can't, try brainstorming again. Repeat.

 

Sometimes, it helps people to resolve an issue by getting an outside expert. But first, both parties have to decide that this is how they want to proceed. You can't just unilaterally bring in your own expert and expect the other person to agree.

 

For example, you might disagree about the best way to load the dishwasher. You lock heads about this for years. Can you both agree to submit to the advice of an outside expert, for example, the dishwasher manufacturer?

 

Sometimes, you can make a deal where one person agrees to what the other wants on one issue in exchange for getting what he wants on a different issue.

 

If none of this works, get a trained mediator. Most communities have mediation services where you can get a volunteer mediator for cheap.

 

I suggest you try some of these techniques to get a win-win, rather than a win-lose. Best wishes.

[Aubrey]

Usually, if we're both listening & considering the other's pov, one of us will cede--more often me, I think, because I'd rather dh have the burden of having been wrong. ;)

 

But time makes a difference, too. He's been wrong enough times about enough things that he's learned (often--not always) to listen better to what I say.

 

Not to say I have never been wrong! I just have a better track record because I let him make more decisions. :D

 

We've also had enough disagreements to see each others' strengths--who's good at deciding what--and a pattern: we tend to BOTH be right. When we remember that, we're better at compromising or seeing a compromise that we hadn't seen.

 

There's also a lot of trust that has developed. As if...early on, we felt more defensive, like he might be out to get me or get his way or something. I think we've both proven well enough that we have ea other's best interest at heart & that we (mostly) know ea other better than we know ourselves. So if one thinks something will be a bad idea/hurt the other, he/she's probably right.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

How do you handle it when you disagree with each other and a decision has to be made? This isn't a debate and I hope the thread doesn't turn nasty. It is an honest question.

 

We have to make a decision. The decision won't go away. I have stated my opinion and I believe my DH has been opened and listened, seriously considered my side however he disagrees. I have given him the same courtesy and listened to his reasoning and I don't agree. Unfortunately the situation is a do or don't so there really isn't a compromise. This is a decision that affects us both equally. It has to do with raising our child so we are pretty much on level playing field as to who knows best.

 

:grouphug: if you can make it about the issue rather than about the two of you, you may find that helps. and try to make sure it really is about the issue, rather than about one possible solution.

 

hth,

ann

[texasmama]

:grouphug: I'm not entirely sure that I am clear on what God really means to submit, but I can share my experience.

 

I am currently dealing with a situation like this in my marriage/life. I've expressed my feelings/thoughts/opinions. His differ. Ultimately, the choice is his because, although it affects us all directly, it ultimately affects him more. I often disagree with the choices made, and I have feelings about the results of the choices.

 

In the end, however, I ask myself, "What has God called me to do?" And then I try to do that faithfully and let the chips fall where they may. I don't know what that means. I have to trust that if I do what I am called to do that God will work with my husband to do what he needs to do. I am not always right, of course. My opinions, however well thought-out, cannot encompass every possibility or see the future. Maybe he is right, and it is just difficult to see right now. I have no idea. The answer may be years in the making. There are things being worked out in both of us that are unseen.

 

I am a strong-willed, stubborn person so letting go of things that are not my immediate and direct responsibility (even though they may affect me greatly) is like having all of my teeth pulled without anesthetic. I'd rather vomit repeatedly for 24 hours straight. (Okay, you get the point.;))

 

I have no answers, only experience. The walking it out is kicking my butt currently.

Edited June 17, 2011 by texasmama