A WWYD? (long)

[WistfulRidge]

Please tell me that I’m not the only parent in the world that doesn’t really (ever) have other people watch their kids?

 

 

 

Now that DS (21 months) is getting “older†people are starting to notice and comment (and ridicule) that I don’t let other people watch him. I have left him with someone all of 6 times since he was born, and only one of those was during the day when he was semi awake. While I’m of the opinion that we (as a society) generally leave our kids with others far, far too much I am aware that I’m a little extreme. The truth is I really, truly, do not trust others with DS. The list of people outside of Dh and I that I do trust is short: my parents, DH’s parents, my best friend, my siblings, and my brother’s girlfriend – whom I’ve known since she was preschool age. Now that DS is old enough to attend the nursery program at our Church it is getting much harder to deflect comments and questions with a simple statement and pass the bean dip sort of thing. I don’t really want to offer any deeper explanation, but I know that the reasons that I normally site when people want to “take him off my hands†for a couple of hours don’t really work in the setting of the nursery program. DS currently attends the nursery and I go with him. He enjoys the change of scenery, the different toys, and the company of most of the other kids in there. So far the couples that are in charge of the nursery haven’t raised any fuss outside of the normal “You know, you can go to Sunday school†statements, but I’m starting to get a lot of snide comments from other parents and “Are you still going to nursery?†sort of comments from our bishop (pastor), and I’m getting kind of tired of having “pass the bean dip†conversations all the time.

 

 

 

I have a few options open to me that I wanted to get some input on, but I figure I ought to provide a little background on my emotional and mental state when it comes to my complete unwillingness to trust others with my child. (And I apologize in advance for the length – I tried to condense this as much as I could!)

 

 

When I was 8 someone tried to kidnap my 3 year old sister. We were in a museum, poking around the gift shop after a fun day. Mom was talking to a cashier about something and my sister was sad because the model of her favorite exhibit was too expensive. She was holding mom’s hand and I was on the other side of her, just a foot or so away. I spotted a post card type picture of the exhibit and so I turned to get it. When I turned around mom was asking me where my sister was – she’d felt a jerk on her hand and figured that my sister had yanked herself away from mom to come over to me. We couldn’t see her. With the cashier we hunted around the immediate area for a minute, and then reported the fact that she was missing to a security guard. Within a minute he was on his radio reporting it and they locked the entire museum down. They issued my sister’s description over the intercom and asked everyone to remain where they were so that the security guards and local police could search the museum. 15 minutes later they found my sister, locked in the stall of a men’s bathroom, just inside the exit on the opposite side of the museum. Thankfully, nothing horrible happened to her, but it was months before she’d go to the grocery store, library (etc) again. If she saw someone of a certain age, gender, and race go into somewhere there was no way you were getting her anywhere near said place. It was years before she stopped flinching away from this certain description of people, and she still would crawl into my bed with me because of nightmares about it a few times a year right up until I left for college when she was 12. Those were the longest 15-20 minutes of my life. I cannot imagine how awful they must have been for my mom. After that my siblings’ safety, knowing where they were and who they were with, was my number one priority. My parents quit hiring baby sitters when it was legal to leave me in charge (12) while they were gone on a date etc… mainly because even if the sitter was there I still insisted on taking care of my siblings and no matter how late my parents were gone I’d wait up for them, routinely checking in on my younger brothers and sisters to make sure that they were all still safely in their beds.

 

 

Then, a month before DS was born, one of the newer members of my parents church was exposed as a pedophile with a history of abuse and pornography with very young children. He and his wife had only been in my parents’ congregation for a little over a month. On the outside they seemed like very nice, everyone-wants-to-adopt-them-as-grandparents type of people. Their daughter had spent nearly a decade attending this congregation before she moved away a few months before. The nursery program had a huge number of kids in it at that time and the ward (congregation) was very short on people willing to serve in leadership/teaching positions supervising and teaching these little kids. So naturally everyone was relieved when this nice, sweet, older “gentleman†was willing to sit in there on Sundays and help out. He was only exposed for what he was when his daughter came back to visit some friends and discovered that her parents had moved there and proceeded to inform the pastor in no uncertain terms exactly what her dad had done. Of course my mother was absolutely shocked (she’d thought them very nice people) and had to tell me all about it. Thankfully none of my siblings were in his target age bracket, but I had nightmares about it for months and months after DS was born. This was something that always happened to “other people†you know?

 

 

Because of these incidents I simply, flat out, don’t trust people with DS. The thought of leaving him with people I don’t know inside and out, and trust completely makes me ill.

 

 

So, now that I’ve got the background out of the way, I figure these are my options:

 

 

1) Do nothing and continue on exactly how I have been – deflecting inquiries and practicing "pass the bean dip". I really like this option except for the fact that it really only will work until #2 is born (due 7/6) and it doesn’t get rid of the fact that every single conversation I’ve had with anyone in the past month has had to turn into a “pass the bean dip†sort of thing about this subject, no matter what topic we started the conversation out on.

 

 

2) Offer a one time explanation of the above incidences as explanation. I can see this one being effective, but at the same time I can see several people getting offended (because of course I’d be implying that they’re all pedophiles). I can also think of several people that will turn this into a “you’re not faithful enough, because if you had enough faith in God that everything will be okay you wouldn’t be worried about leaving your DS with a fellow church member†sort of fiasco. I’m also hesitant because I don’t want one of the more gossipy ladies to say something like “Oh, so you’re the reason [me] can’t leave [DS] alone†to my sister when she’s here visiting this summer.

 

 

3) Stop taking DS to nursery and just bring him to the small Sunday School class that DH teaches (less people for a sleepy-slightly hyped up toddler to “disturbâ€). I like this option as well, except for the fact that while DS is very content to play by himself (and in fact, prefers to much of the time) he really, really does enjoy going to nursery. That 1.5 hour block of time is just the right amount for him to enjoy being social and interacting with other kids, and I really don’t want my fears to keep him isolated from other kids. He also really enjoys the singing time and small interactive lessons that they do (which I could easily do by myself, but half the fun of singing a song that requires jumping up and down is jumping up and down with half a dozen other toddlers). Plus, I'd still have to figure out a way to explain why I'm not bringing DS to nursery any more without stirring up all of the potential mess mentioned in option two.

 

 

 

4) Slowly wean myself away from going to nursery with him and just accept the fact that I’ll be a bundle of mommy-panic for that hour and a half. DH is moderately in favor of this one – he’d like for me to be able to come to his class again every now and then, and he’d like to at least give me the opportunity to have one-on-one time with the new baby when he/she arrives this summer. He’d like to be able to drop DS off at nursery because he can’t really keep up with a toddler and teach a class at the same time. This one sounds the most reasonable to me, and the odds of the nice young couple that are in charge of nursery being abusive are practically zilch… but I still drown in a paralyzing panic every time I think of leaving my baby there (and to be honest, it’s not just the nursery couple – I feel that way about everyone not on my list of those trusted enough to watch him :glare:).

 

 

Thinking about all of this is beginning to drive me crazy… so what would you do?

[kchara]

I don't think you owe anyone an explanation. I don't leave our children alone with others, either. Last time I went on a date with DH, it was to see Fireproof in the theaters. That was 3 kids ago. I used to leave my oldest 3 with my mom, and I found out some things that happened that I absolutely don't approve of. If they can happen with my mom, who else could they happen with? (Nothing dangerous, mind you, but definitely outside my scope of "OK." We had nightmare issues for months afterwards from the junk they were exposed to.) I, personally, would take option 1, or the "it's none of your business" option, and probably start taking DS into your DH's SS class, as well.

 

As a side note, when my twins were 8 weeks old, my church decided that since I hadn't been in a while, I must be overwhelmed with 5 kids. One woman (and the rest of the church followed her) took it upon herself to arrange sitters for us for an entire day, and just take the kids. Didn't ask me, informed DH that she was doing it at church... I was HOT to say the least. DH convinced me to go ahead with it, that they really were trying to help, but our relationship with the church was never the same after that. I totally understand your position.

[Starr]

You should always be made comfortable in the nursery with your child. We have a couple of parents that do this. It really isn't a big deal. Do what makes you comfortable.

[3lilreds in NC]

First of all, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You are NOT the only person who doesn't leave their children with anyone. We live far away from family, and there is no one here I can call to babysit. So, we get to go out a couple of times a year when one of our sets of parents is visiting. I would trust my siblings, but I don't live near them. I might trust dh's brother and wife but I can't guarantee that.

 

I didn't put Schmooey in the nursery at our old church. First, it was because it was just about flu season when he was born, and I didn't want him to get sick. Then, I did try once when he was a few months old, but he cried for the entire time he was there, which I think was only 20 minutes. I tried again when he was crawling, thinking he would like the crawler room with all the toys, but actually I was going to work in that room that day and just went to tell dh what I was doing - I was gone 5 minutes tops - and he was hysterical when I got back. He spent a long time clinging to my shirt with his face buried in my chest. He did eventually calm down and play, but when I went to get the girls from their Sunday school class, he freaked out again, and that was the end of that.

 

I tried again when he was walking. Sometimes he would do OK. Other times he was a mess. We didn't try that for long either because he would just start to settle in when he would get sick, or we would go out of town. It wasn't worth it.

 

Tried again at 2. He did not like it. Shortly after that I found out we were moving, and decided there was no point in having him go and be upset since he was going to have to learn something entirely new anyway.

 

Even when he got mobile, our old church had a family chapel where neurotic people like me could take their kids during church. :lol: I loved it. My dh thought it was ridiculous, and that I should let him go to Sunday school and get used to it. However, I got lots of support from the moms here that he was probably just not ready and there was no reason to push it. I like hearing what I want to hear, so I listened to them. :D

 

To be honest, I liked having him with me. He is my last baby, and I didn't like having to share. Also, I have a hard time with anxiety, so even though I have not had the real life experiences you have, I can imagine them (and I watch too much Criminal Minds). I *know* there are crazy people out there.

 

Our new church is very small. He has enjoyed the nursery when we've gone to the later service; there hasn't been any child care for the early service we normally attend until recently, so he's stayed with us in church. He has done quite well. He does like his Sunday school class though (after church), and if we are not watching him like a hawk, he will walk himself there and go in. :lol:

 

All this to say, you need to do what *you* are comfortable doing as a mom. If you really feel that you need to try leaving him at nursery by himself sometimes, that is OK. Maybe you can go for just part of the time, or go back and check on him for the first few weeks until you feel more comfortable. Truly, the anxiety does get better with time.

 

If you want to tell people why you don't want to leave him, that is up to you. However, I would be tempted to just make it clear that you're doing what you're comfortable doing, it's your own little quirk, and you're not open for discussion about it ANYMORE. It really is no one else's business. (I tend to lose patience with people constantly questioning my judgment.)

 

As for it being a matter of faith - what a load of hooey. I mean, maybe - but you can pray about this for yourself and when God gives you peace to leave him, you will be better able to overcome those anxious feelings when the time comes to do so. KWIM? It's important for you to do what your gut tells you to do as your son's mother. Even dads don't always get it. If other people want to be offended because you are doing your own thing instead of what everyone else is doing, let them be. It's not about them, it's about you and what your mama heart says. IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. I want to come with you to church and deflect them for you. :D

 

I don't know what to tell you when your new little guy comes along. I think you will be able to tell for yourself if you need time alone with him. That may be what enables you to start leaving your son for nursery time. You will just have to wait and see. It's something to start praying about now, so you will know what you want to do when the time comes.

[3lilreds in NC]

Wow. I wrote a really long response. The other people were so much more concise. :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

How about "For goodness sakes! The kid isn't even two yet!" And if it's the pastor talking, I'd give an extra glare because he oughtn't be making snarky remarks.

 

Your experiences are enough to stress anyone, but really, your behaviour is entirely appropriate. It really is appropriate to keep your toddler around. I'm not saying it is inappropriate to leave toddlers with babysitters, but there is nothing dreadful about looking after your own children.

 

You will need to put some work into yourself to alleviate your fears though. Keeping a toddler around is one thing. It's good for him to be with his mum. Being too petrified to let him go to a birthday party when he's seven and it's time for him to branch out a little, is another thing. Find a therapist to talk it through with. But there is no hurry. He's not even two yet.

 

I rarely leave my kids either. Probably only about once per year, and that's with a trusted relative (and we don't have many in that category either, heheh.) DD would scream until she fell asleep if I did. We had to leave them with my brother to go to a friend's wedding reception a few weeks ago, and she didn't scream, but she did keep asking after us. I don't like leaving them for more than 4 hours either, even with their dad. We're a team! There's plenty of time for them to have a "big kid" social life when they are big kids.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

Edited March 25, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[meggie]

Am I right in thinking you are LDS?

 

Would you feel comfortable enough with your bishop (even though he's made some remarks) to tell him the reason you are so nervous? See if he's willing to call more people to the nursery or even you if it would make you feel better? I wouldn't feel a need to explain myself to anyone else.

 

And you aren't the only one. I only leave my children with my mother or my brother and his wife (less often now that I have three) and one friend I really trust. My inlaws are even more picky. They only leave their children with my FIL sisters. I think my MIL even went to nursery the whole time the youngest two were in just because she didn't like the people in it. And you aren't the only one to worry. I don't even have a history like yours but the first week in January (after the time switch) we dropped my son off at nursery and since it was way past his nap time he cried. But my husband was in his branch presidency meeting, so they didn't go get him and I was upstairs playing the piano in primary. So the 2nd counselor in the primary presidency got him and was walking the halls outside the primary room with him. Only I saw him and didn't know why he was there and wondering if she didn't know who his mom was and proceeded to spend the next few minutes freaking out.

[3lilreds in NC]

How about "For goodness sakes! The kid isn't even two yet!" And if it's the pastor talking, I'd give an extra glare because he oughtn't be making snarky remarks.

 

Your experiences are enough to stress anyone, but really, your behaviour is entirely appropriate. It really is appropriate to keep your toddler around. I'm not saying it is inappropriate to leave toddlers with babysitters, but there is nothing dreadful about looking after your own children.

 

You will need to put some work into yourself to alleviate your fears though. Keeping a toddler around is one thing. It's good for him to be with his mum. Being too petrified to let him go to a birthday party when he's seven and it's time for him to branch out a little, is another thing. Find a therapist to talk it through with. But there is no hurry. He's not even two yet.

 

I rarely leave my kids either. Probably only about once per year, and that's with a trusted relative (and we don't have many in that category either, heheh.) DD would scream until she fell asleep if I did. We had to leave them with my brother to go to a friend's wedding reception a few weeks ago, and she didn't scream, but she did keep asking after us. I don't like leaving them for more than 4 hours either, even with their dad. We're a team! There's plenty of time for them to have a "big kid" social life when they are big kids.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree:

 

Rosie, as always, you rock.

[Kalypso]

How about "For goodness sakes! The kid isn't even two yet!" And if it's the pastor talking, I'd give an extra glare because he oughtn't be making snarky remarks.

 

Your experiences are enough to stress anyone, but really, your behaviour is entirely appropriate. It really is appropriate to keep your toddler around. I'm not saying it is inappropriate to leave toddlers with babysitters, but there is nothing dreadful about looking after your own children.

 

You will need to put some work into yourself to alleviate your fears though. Keeping a toddler around is one thing. It's good for him to be with his mum. Being too petrified to let him go to a birthday party when he's seven and it's time for him to branch out a little, is another thing. Find a therapist to talk it through with. But there is no hurry. He's not even two yet.

 

I rarely leave my kids either. Probably only about once per year, and that's with a trusted relative (and we don't have many in that category either, heheh.) DD would scream until she fell asleep if I did. We had to leave them with my brother to go to a friend's wedding reception a few weeks ago, and she didn't scream, but she did keep asking after us. I don't like leaving them for more than 4 hours either, even with their dad. We're a team! There's plenty of time for them to have a "big kid" social life when they are big kids.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

I completely agree with Rosie. I never had babysitters when my oldest children were younger unless my mother came to visit. That happened a couple of times a year. Now that my 2 oldest can babysit, I let them watch my younger ones. I still don't leave my younger ones with anyone other than their siblings.

[Trish]

I don't think you owe anyone an explanation. My kid have never been with anyone but family for babysitting. (they do go on playdates with kids whose moms I trust) I don't really care what anyone thinks about it.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I don't think you owe anyone an explanation. My kid have never been with anyone but family for babysitting. (they do go on playdates with kids whose moms I trust) I don't really care what anyone thinks about it.

 

Same here.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If there were one or two women who work in the nursery who you especially know and trust, then I would possibly leave him only when they are working. I wouldn't make a big deal about it, just a "I'm going to leave him only on some Sundays", without going into why you trust some people and not others. If there is no one like that, then I'd keep on doing what you are doing.

[WistfulRidge]

Wow. I wrote a really long response. The other people were so much more concise. :lol:

 

That's okay... I'm not a horribly concise person myself!

 

How about "For goodness sakes! The kid isn't even two yet!" And if it's the pastor talking, I'd give an extra glare because he oughtn't be making snarky remarks.

 

Your experiences are enough to stress anyone, but really, your behaviour is entirely appropriate. It really is appropriate to keep your toddler around. I'm not saying it is inappropriate to leave toddlers with babysitters, but there is nothing dreadful about looking after your own children.

 

You will need to put some work into yourself to alleviate your fears though. Keeping a toddler around is one thing. It's good for him to be with his mum. Being too petrified to let him go to a birthday party when he's seven and it's time for him to branch out a little, is another thing. Find a therapist to talk it through with. But there is no hurry. He's not even two yet.

 

I rarely leave my kids either. Probably only about once per year, and that's with a trusted relative (and we don't have many in that category either, heheh.) DD would scream until she fell asleep if I did. We had to leave them with my brother to go to a friend's wedding reception a few weeks ago, and she didn't scream, but she did keep asking after us. I don't like leaving them for more than 4 hours either, even with their dad. We're a team! There's plenty of time for them to have a "big kid" social life when they are big kids.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

Thank you, so much :grouphug:

Intellectually I know that I'm not "the only one", but I am in my immediate surrounding area (apartment complex/church etc). I seem to have stumbled into the congregation of exceptionally unattached parenting and since I am "different" I've ended up feeling like (to quote my sweet little brother) "a wounded seal being circled by a bunch of hungry sharks" (:lol: , but accurate!).

 

I'm hoping a lot of the panic will lessen as he gets older. Now that I'm thinking about it I got much calmer about my siblings being left with other people around the age of 7(ish) give or take a year. I think because at that point I knew that they were capable (and understanding) enough to raise all h*ll if someone tried to do something to them.

 

 

Am I right in thinking you are LDS?

 

Would you feel comfortable enough with your bishop (even though he's made some remarks) to tell him the reason you are so nervous? See if he's willing to call more people to the nursery or even you if it would make you feel better? I wouldn't feel a need to explain myself to anyone else.

 

And you aren't the only one. I only leave my children with my mother or my brother and his wife (less often now that I have three) and one friend I really trust. My inlaws are even more picky. They only leave their children with my FIL sisters. I think my MIL even went to nursery the whole time the youngest two were in just because she didn't like the people in it. And you aren't the only one to worry. I don't even have a history like yours but the first week in January (after the time switch) we dropped my son off at nursery and since it was way past his nap time he cried. But my husband was in his branch presidency meeting, so they didn't go get him and I was upstairs playing the piano in primary. So the 2nd counselor in the primary presidency got him and was walking the halls outside the primary room with him. Only I saw him and didn't know why he was there and wondering if she didn't know who his mom was and proceeded to spend the next few minutes freaking out.

 

Yes, LDS :)

 

I don't particularly want to talk to my bishop, but I think I will if people keep making a big deal out of it. Right now the nursery leaders don't really care. They think I'm completely out of my mind (because most of the parents in our ward start dropping their kids off at 15-16 months, with or without approval, and leave them to deal with the crying, screaming mess) but I'm pretty sure they appreciate the extra help.

 

I really do want DS to be able to go, especially because he enjoys it. At this point I wouldn't be able to leave him for more than the first half of it anyway because nursery falls in the middle of his nap time and by the end of it he just wants to sit in my lap and be read to. So I think I'll probably just stick with option 1 - and try to not kill the neighbors every a simple "how are you" turns into a "pass the bean dip because it's not of your business why I don't leave my kid with other people" :tongue_smilie:.

 

I was talking with DH about this (again) after my initial post. He told me I was an overprotective mom, especially if we started comparing to others, but that he'd rather I be overprotective than not. Apparently it is part of my charm :D

[Guest]

Another overprotective mommy here. It is very hard for me to leave my kids. I don't feel that I have any great experience under my belt, but as someone else who gets comments, :grouphug:

[Quad Shot Academy]

I have a much shorter list of people that I will leave my kids with, so it is not just you! ;) I have found over the years that "taking the blame" is the easiest way to pass the bean dip. "I know, I am a freak, but I just don't leave my kids." "I am really weird, but I just don't leave my kids." "Believe it or not, we just don't use babysitters! I am one of those crazy attachment parents, sorry!" Most people drop it after that. If someone presses I will give a longer explanation. For Sunday School and nursery I frequently used germs or illness as a reason. I have also become the primary nursery helper in order to stay with my baby. Now I say it is because we want our children to learn to worship with us.

 

I have to say though, that I would NEVER leave my children in a nursery run by a husband and wife team. I have actually never been to a church that allows that. There have been numerous husband/wife day cares that were convicted of mass child molestation.

[Mom0012]

If you want to stay in the nursery, why don't you volunteer to be one of the helpers? Surely, they need people to help in the nursery? Then you could be there with your son and no one would think anything of it except how grateful they were that you were there to help.

 

Lisa

[Supertechmom]

Your list is a lot longer than mine. I don't leave them with anyone. I stopped nursery years ago. If anyone needs them there, then I go with them. I've worked every stage from birth to grade levels. It was easier to just explain to the person in charge of staffing the classes that I would be there wherever my kids were. Just consider me one of the workers.

 

You are not alone. And don't worry about it.

Edited March 25, 2011 by servin

[Sukale]

Nope, not the only one. My dd will be 3 in a couple of weeks and she has NEVER been away from either my husband or myself. We moved from WV to SC when I was pregnant. We have no family here. When my now 12 yr old was little and we lived near family she was still with me 99% of the time. If she stayed the night with grandma I stayed too because my sister would usually stay the night too. My sister lived about an hour away. I am waiting for about another year then I will leave the girls home together so me and hubby can go out to lunch together or go to a movie.

 

I get upset to when people keep telling me I need a baby sitter. I am nice the first few times but after that I just say look these are my kids. I had them and I will raise them. That will stop the comments.

[Beetkvass]

You're not. Only my parents and my sister are allowed to watch my kids. I've had people offer but I just feel really uncomfortable about it. I can not even imagine hiring people like I was hired as a teen. People that simply didn't know me at all would welcome me into their home to watch their kids. That just seems so weird to me now. I also can't imagine me trusting strange dads to drive my girls home. :/

[StaceyinLA]

I left one dd in the church nursery. Once. Went to check in and she was crying and following the nursery worker with her arms up. The nursery worker had very few kids and could've easily comforted her but she wasn't even trying. I went in and got her and never looked back. We brought her in church, or I got my mom to keep her while we went, or I didn't go. I figured My kids were my first priority, and God knew my heart, and it was ok.

 

No one other than a close family member has ever babysat one of my kids. They are 21, 19, 18 and 15, so there isn't a chance that's gonna change either. :tongue_smilie:

[sleepymommy]

My goodness, he's only 21 months! I certainly do not think it's odd at all. My boys are 4yrs and 6yrs and the only person I really leave them with is their dad when I go to the grocery store. We've never had babysitters and we've never lived anywhere with relatives close by. Dh and I have a "date night" once or twice a year (usually on his birthday or mine) and that consists of him bringing home take-out and lighting a candle on the dinner table! :tongue_smilie:

 

There were a couple of times we left one of them behind with dh's parents when we were in their town to go to weddings. I don't like to ask them to watch my kids, not because I don't trust them, they just don't like watching them.

 

Now both of my boys did attend a Montessori preschool for 2 years, but I did feel they were safe in that environment. I knew the teachers, the directors and I went over all the safety concerns I had with them. I stay away from schools that do not lock their doors during school hours.

 

I have a much shorter list of people that I will leave my kids with, so it is not just you! ;) I have found over the years that "taking the blame" is the easiest way to pass the bean dip. "I know, I am a freak, but I just don't leave my kids." "I am really weird, but I just don't leave my kids." "Believe it or not, we just don't use babysitters! I am one of those crazy attachment parents, sorry!" Most people drop it after that. If someone presses I will give a longer explanation. For Sunday School and nursery I frequently used germs or illness as a reason. I have also become the primary nursery helper in order to stay with my baby. Now I say it is because we want our children to learn to worship with us.

 

I have to say though, that I would NEVER leave my children in a nursery run by a husband and wife team. I have actually never been to a church that allows that. There have been numerous husband/wife day cares that were convicted of mass child molestation.

 

The bolded above part is what I do too.

[kolamum]

Does your church do background checks on people in child caring positions? None of the churches I attended ever did that, but I know people who attend churches where this is done.

 

If you're willing to let your son stay in the nursery, and to ease your Mamma worry and heart, why not start out by staying outside the nursery where you can peek in and keep an eye on him.

 

If that allows you to feel confident then you could go to your dh's class for say 15 minutes, pop in on the nursery, and so on until you feel comfy leaving him for an entire period.

 

Truth be told, I bet if people knew why you don't leave him they'd be understanding and kind. Really, I do. BUT, i'm speaking for how I'd respond.

[katemary63]

Your experiences are enough to stress anyone, but really, your behaviour is entirely appropriate. It really is appropriate to keep your toddler around. I'm not saying it is inappropriate to leave toddlers with babysitters, but there is nothing dreadful about looking after your own children.

 

Very well said.

 

You will need to put some work into yourself to alleviate your fears though. Keeping a toddler around is one thing. It's good for him to be with his mum. Being too petrified to let him go to a birthday party when he's seven and it's time for him to branch out a little, is another thing. Find a therapist to talk it through with. But there is no hurry. He's not even two yet.

:iagree: 100%

 

I never left my young children with anyone other then my mother or MIL (that was a mistake!) and only once or twice, my sister or DH's sister. Ever. My youngest has only been watched by my mom and her siblings.

 

As far as the church nursery, I took my baby in and stayed. At age two or so, I did start to leave them, but it was always with someone I knew, no strangers in a big church. My son, I never left till over age three. There's nothing wrong with leaving kids in the nursery. I just didn't want to.

 

Even though I'm the victim of a pedophile, I'm not overly concerned about the nursery in that way. There are always several people in there at a time. But if right now, you don't want to leave your kid, don't.

[Chris in VA]

I agree with Rosie. Maybe you can use this time when he's little to work out some of your fear. It's hard to let them go. I know the prison that fear can be, though, so I do encourage you to talk to a therapist about the incidents you've described (there are not enough :grouphug: for those), and how they affect you now.

 

Which is basically what Rosie said. :D

[Anita in NC]

I never had any of your experiences and I rarely left the kids with anyone else.

 

For one I just really liked spending time with my kids and didn't feel the need to have time apart from them. Second there really weren't a lot of people that I could use to babysat them or that I felt comfortable leaving them with.

 

It's funny how people put THEIR views onto others. My mother could never understand why I wouldn't want to leave the kids with someone and spend time without the kids.

[Carrie12345]

No explanation necessary.

 

I'm fortunate in that I don't have any truly scary history to struggle with, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm extremely selective when it comes to care givers.

I get nervous when I leave the kids with dh, and I'm fully aware that he's a capable, loving father. I do force myself to allow most of the kids to stay with Grandma a few times a year, but I usually keep my 3yo (almost 4) home. The last 3 times he's gone have been while I was in the hospital with our youngest. I just don't particularly like the way my in-laws handle the kids.

 

We tried searching for a good babysitter when we moved here 5 years ago. We've yet to find someone we're comfortable with. Such is life.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 19, 2023 by J-rap

[Scuff]

I wasn't comfortable using the nursery at churches we visited either. They were *my* babies. I was supposed to take care of them. Part of that is not giving them to strangers. The pressure to hand over your babies at some churches is baffling.

 

At your home chrch, though, you probably should give a one-time explanation. Probably to the pastor, maybe the nursery head, since you're in there. Provided that these people can handle it. Not in an apoligetic way. You have nothing to appoligize for. This is your baby that God gave to you. But this is the way it is and now you know.

 

What kind of built in safeguards does the church hqve? This should be addressed if they don't have any. Our old church did background checks on anyone who'd be in there. And had safty measure in place so that only you could pick up your child. If your church takes these things seriously it could help you handle the seperation. If they don't, you have no reason to even consider leaving him.

[AndyJoy]

Dh or I stay with our toddler at church for one of the same reasons we plan to homeschool--he's OUR child and OUR responsibility. We love our church, we completely trust the nursery workers to keep him safe and happy, but we want to be with our child. Besides the fact that we enjoy his company, we want to be the ones guiding his behavior and shaping his character! Some people think it's silly to think that 2 hours a week could be an issue, but this kid has been known to see someone do something once and then copy it 2 weeks later. I can tell already that consistency is really important for him.

 

Thus far, his only babysitter (other than grandmas) is a 14-year-old homeschooled girl who has never babysat anyone other than him. She is sweet, responsible, and wonderful at doing exactly what I ask. She started as my mother's helper and now occasionally watches him for 2-3 hours while I go out. Though she's inexperienced at watching other kids, she's had on-the-job training with Keaton and does an excellent job. I've found that adults are much more willing to completely ignore me and do whatever they want:glare: (like the church friend who tried to sneak him an extra cookie after dh told her no!)

 

Fortunately, 90% of the kids at my church are homeschooled, so their parents understand the concept of keeping your kids close and never pressure us to leave Keaton.

 

I wouldn't tell the random workers at church your fears about abuse. In my experience, it will just give them more ammunition for thinking you're irrational. I don't think you are, by the way. I've had enough family and church situations touched by abuse to understand.

 

I bet if you think about it, the fear of abuse isn't your only reason for wanting to stay with him. If I were you, I would further formulate the positive your reasons in your mind so you're focusing on them instead of the negative and just give a simple one-sentence explanation like, "This works great for our family, thanks." with a big smile.

[woolybear]

My kids are 10 and 8. They have been with my parents, dh, and at a friend's house without me. We have had a babysitter (dh's cousin) ONE TIME in all the years since my first ds was born. Just so you know. I do let them go to parties, play dates, etc. without me.

[brehon]

First, lots of :grouphug:s. You've had a couple of very scary experiences.

 

Second, I want to heartily agree with Rosie's post. (In fact, I think I may want to be Rosie when I grow up and I'm quite sure that I'm at least a decade older than she is:D)

 

I think if you want to keep your son with you and not put him in the church nursery, then that's what you should do. Think of it as a season in your life. Does your church screen nursery volunteers/SS teachers? Many churches these days do.

 

I also think that seeing a therapist isn't a bad idea, especially now while your oldest is young. I also recommend reading Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift. This book is about listening to your instinct about people/situations without giving in to irrational fear. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think you're being irrational. This book will probably validate some feelings you've had and also encourage you to think about when you're acting on instinct and when you're not. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

Oh, and don't feel you need to give anyone any explanation. "No" is a complete sentence. "No, thank you" is probably nicer; but, I'm not known for my niceness.

[Joanne]

A few things.......

 

You don't owe anyone more than "No, that is not an option".

 

Have you read Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift? I think it may help you begin to build a realistic picture of risk while also helping you learn about how to protect your family in a practical way.

 

At less than 2, I left my kids only rarely (and that was often to have another kid ;):lol:). I didn't use a nursery at church and my list for "sitters" was short.

 

However, I am not in support of staying at that level of a constricted circle and lack of total-person time. I believe that it is normal and healthy for both mom and child to widen the range of experience and settings.

[TexasRachel]

Have they installed the windows in the doors at church? I'm assuming you're LDS. Maybe start standing in the hall where you can watch. I'm always checking on my kids in all their classes. My kids were never ready for me to leave them in nursey at 21 months anyways. It always took longer for them to be ok with me leaving them.

 

Whenever I feel myself become too paranoid and crazy, and I'm the queen of focusing on all the bad possibilities, I have to start praying immediately for some peace. Sit down with your DH and figure out a plan on how you two will keep your children safe, but still be able to let them"go". It would make a great family home evening. :D

:grouphug:

[waa510]

I don't often leave my kids with anyone. I let my Mom and dh's adult cousin watch them for 3 hours, absolute maximum, but only the cousin lives close and as she recently messed up big-time with dd2's food allergies* she's not watching them alone for a long time.

 

There is really no one I trust 100% to watch them except Dh, and so I only leave them with someone else if I'm getting *extremely* burnt out on parenting, or in an emergency (such as when my youngest was in the hospital and I was not allowed to have my oldest in the hospital with me, even though dd2 and I were quarantined in the room.)

 

**My youngest has dairy and peanut food allergies, and it seems that *everyone* else struggles with it. I will provide food for the sitter to feed my daughter, or I will be going to get food for lunch for the girls while their uncle sits with them at the table and dd will have been given cheese or french fries cooked in peanut oil in my absence. :glare: It is not a serious allergy as she only gets an awful eczema-like rash all over her body but I *hate* putting her through that unnecessarily. I really don't understand what is so difficult about it!! I often tell dh that if they can't handle something so benign and simple, how can I be assured that they could handle an emergency?? My girls are also very precocious, high-needs children.

 

Don't feel bad about not wanting to leave your ds...he's not even 2 yet!!! It is difficult to be the only one who doesn't leave their kids, I've been there. I would blame myself, as a pp said, by saying you're crazy or weird and trying to laugh it off. People will mostly leave the self-deprecating comments alone, and not want to push you any further, at least fme. It's strange, but I think it's a way of agreeing with them that it's "crazy" (even though we certainly don't think it is!), while still maintaining our stance in not leaving them. I find most people just want to feel justified and 'right,' after that they don't really care what you do. :tongue_smilie: Hope you can figure out something that works for you and I promise the anxiety does get better.

[journeytolily]

The whole thing is ridiculous - you owe no explanation for choosing to keep your son with you.

 

We never had "babysitters" other than my mom and MIL when we lived in FL. Then, we moved to SC, and my mom followed us. So, again, we never needed anyone else.

 

Now, in MI, we have no family (my mom refuses to follow us this far north!). So, for months DH and I not go out for date nights, and if I had a doctor appointment, I would get him to go in late to work. Eventually, we became good friends with our next door neighbor. She has her neices and nephews alternating spending the weekends with her, and we knew she was great with kids. Our kids LOVE her. So she became our babysitter. We still only ask her every couple of months. Honestly, I like taking care of my kids, and DH and I enjoy "alone time" after they are in bed.

 

At church, I feel comfortable leaving our youngest, age 2, at the nursery because the helpers are paid and have had background checks and there are always at least 2 of them (mostly college students). There are walls of windows, and a half door. The 2 oldest, 9 and 7, go to Sunday School. Recently, we added one of the nursery workers as a "back-up" sitter for our kids, since DH works too far away and too many hours to be able to stay home while I go to any appointments. She's great with our kids, and I do trust her.

 

Do what feels right for you, and try not to let those people get to you.

 

Veronica

[ChristusG]

I think that you are just fine.

 

My children are 4 years old and almost 7 and have only stayed with my parents. NO ONE else. Not at all. And I don't leave them there until they are around 2 years old. Not because I don't trust my parents, but because I think a baby needs their mommy more than anyone.

 

As for the church nursery, I don't leave them there until around 2 years old as well. I trust our nursery....they do background checks and even have cameras in the rooms that can be viewed from the front check-in desk. But like I said, a baby needs their mommy. And below 2 years old, little babies have no idea if/when mommy is coming back.

[AK_Mom4]

Yea, Rosie!

 

Our children stayed with DH or I until they were 3yo and old enough to go to Sunday School class. Even then, they sometimes needed one of us to "go with them" because they just weren't ready to go it alone.

 

Do what feels right for you.

[happyhomemaker25]

My mom does most of our babysitting. If she can't and I HAVE to go somewhere I have one friend I trust.

We keep our kids with us in church anyway because of our belief in family worship.

It is hard because we are the only family at church who does this. But they are our children. The end.

As a former foster parent I will say I don't let my kids go off to many places without me. One of my children was SA as a child and once you see the effects that has on a child for the rest of their life you become more cautious.

The same child has Reactive Attachment Disorder so I can't leave her with anyone that won't watch her like a hawk. It's hard the older she gets because so many people don't understand why she can't be a "normal" kid. I will say hers is not as bad as some but it is there always lurking.

All that to say you do what your comfortable with. NO ONE understands your reasons the way you do.

Dealing with all that I deal with I have learned not to judge others in their parenting. Most of us are just trying to do the best we can for our kids.

[mcconnellboys]

We've never really used babysitters because the couple of times I tried, both in Baton Rouge, and here, it was just not a good thing and I was afraid to continue.... I didn't trust the girls to watch my children and keep them safe....

[sewpeaceful]

I have a friend who has NEVER left her kids with anyone except her parents, her husband's parents, and nursery at church. Sure I was shocked but I completely respect her for it. Her oldest is about to turn 9. IMHO, there is NOTHING to be sorry for and you don't owe anyone an explanation.

 

Frankly, after a bunch of BAD play dates where we used to live and a mediocre one in our new location, I have become quite picky as well.

 

YOU are mom. YOU will know when you are ready to branch out. Relax and enjoy your children.

 

:grouphug:

[cubfan]

I think people are way too willing to leave little ones with people they don't know well enough. It's our job to protect our children- not easy in today's society!

[justamouse]

frankly, I don't understand the push to put kids in nursery or children's church. Bring a special church bag, just for them, and keep them with you.

 

Either my Mom, MIL or a very close friend baby sits them. Now their sister watches them, though.

Edited March 27, 2011 by justamouse

[Mommy22alyns]

The girls have always been either with us or watched by a family member. Twice Becca was babysat by a close family friend who might as well be a family member. ;) I completely understand.

[shinyhappypeople]

Hon, your anxiety is off the charts. It's heartbreaking to see your fears control your decisions. Please find someone to help your work through your anxiety. Your current MO isn't sustainable and it's not good for your children to see as they grow up. They'll notice your hypervigilance and rigidity, even if you think you're hiding it well. So, while in the short term, it's no big deal to hang out with your DS in his nursery class, don't get comfortable. Be working on *yourself* so you can heal and be healthy.

[MinivanMom]

I wouldn't tell the random workers at church your fears about abuse. In my experience, it will just give them more ammunition for thinking you're irrational. I don't think you are, by the way. I've had enough family and church situations touched by abuse to understand.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I assume you are lds. Although everyone here is going to agree with you, the reality is that most people in your ward will think you are crazy. You will be the only person not leaving your child in nursery the second he's 18 months. You will be that mom. You know, the crazy, overprotective mom who doesn't understand that she desperately needs a break from her child. I know, because I'm that mom too. I rarely leave my children with sitters and I've never left them in an enrichment nursery. I went to nursery with my oldest dd until they finally released me from YW and called me to be the new Nursery Leader. I held that same daughter out of Sunbeams, because of an unsafe situation with the teacher. Just last month I had my younger dd moved to a different Nursery class, because they decided to call three men to teach her class :glare: .

 

Yes, you can do what you want with your child. Yes, you can stay with him in nursery (or take him with you to SS and RS). BUT, I think what you are really asking here is how do you maintain positive relationships with your bishop and ward members while doing something different than the norm.

 

First off, don't ever tell anyone about your sister or your fears of abuse. It will be gossiped about, it will be used as ammunition by those who disagree with your parenting style, and it will be whispered about when you don't enroll your son in kindergarten (as I assume you are a future homeschooler :001_smile: ).

 

Second, don't justify your choices to people. Would you discuss your family planning with these people? Would you discuss details of your finances with them? Take a deep breath and say, "I don't owe people explanations for my parenting decisions." Your attempts to explain your choices will only sound like criticism of their choices. When you explain why you want to protect your child, it sounds like you're accusing them of being neglectful. If people ask, just smile and say, "I like going to nursery with my son." Then ask about the weather or where they got that lovely sweater or how their pregnancy is going, etc.

 

I don't know that I have it worked out perfectly. I caused a minor scandal in a former ward when I held my oldest out of Sunbeams. I must be getting better at dealing with this issue diplomatically, though, because I think I handled my current Nursery situation very gracefully and without ruffling too many feathers (or maybe I've finally been pegged as that crazy homeschooler so people are willing to humor me). Just tell people what you are going to do with a smile and keep doing it. If they push, remind them that Nursery is an optional program. Eventually, they'll figure out what kind of a mother you are and stop asking so many questions.

[RobinF]

I haven't read all the replies so if I am duplicating what someone has said then please forgive me.

 

First you have had a couple of terrible traumatic events in your life involving young children. You don't owe anyone an explanation for them.

 

I will say that I like the last option as long as you trust the people working the nursery. I am the children's director for our church (dh is the pastor). I tell all new parents that they have a few options, a) they can leave their children and if the child is upset we will get them quickly, b) they can come in the room and try to ease away from the child (personally I don't think this is the best option for a few reasons that I can explain) and c) they are more than welcome to take their child into the service. I always explain that my dh is never disturbed by children in the service unless it is ours (which is totally true).

 

I will mention that I know many churches who actually have screening processes for their children's workers (background checks) and in those situations they don't allow parents in the rooms because of that. Usually these are in larger congregations and I can totally understand if that is the rule.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

As a side note, when my twins were 8 weeks old, my church decided that since I hadn't been in a while, I must be overwhelmed with 5 kids. One woman (and the rest of the church followed her) took it upon herself to arrange sitters for us for an entire day, and just take the kids. Didn't ask me, informed DH that she was doing it at church... I was HOT to say the least. DH convinced me to go ahead with it, that they really were trying to help, but our relationship with the church was never the same after that. I totally understand your position.

 

OMGOODNESS,I would have totally FREAKED at that one.....YIKES!

 

I don't leave zach with anyone except dh or his granny (my sister thatraised me)-- (I would with my other sisters but it's never come up)--Hubby and I are very leery of trusting others too....you just never know these days.....

[DianeW88]

Hon, your anxiety is off the charts. It's heartbreaking to see your fears control your decisions. Please find someone to help your work through your anxiety. Your current MO isn't sustainable and it's not good for your children to see as they grow up. They'll notice your hypervigilance and rigidity, even if you think you're hiding it well. So, while in the short term, it's no big deal to hang out with your DS in his nursery class, don't get comfortable. Be working on *yourself* so you can heal and be healthy.

 

:iagree: And I'm LDS, too. See your bishop, explain your problem and get the counseling you need to resolve this. Because while it may be okay to stay with your little one while he's in Nursery.....it will not be when he is a Sunbeam. You need to get a grip on this before then.

[celticmom]

I totally understand the OP's postion. My dd was never left in a daycare or preschool or even a church nursery at that age and even older. I was working when she was born and my dh and I arranged our schedules so that no one else was needed to watch her. One was off or working from home when the other was at work. She is now 6 and I have only recently begun to leave for short periods of time in familiar enviornments that I trust.(I might go get gas while she is doing her work at the Kumon center.) We are in a coop for the first time this spring term and guess who assists in her classes? She does not like the idea of being left in the care of others. When I told her about coop the first thing that she wanted to know was whether or not I would stay with her and I assured her I would stay with her.