How often do you speak to your parents on the phone and/or see them in person?

[Nakia]

We live in the same small county as my mother. It is about 14 miles from my home to hers. Many of you read, advised, and commiserated with my recent "moving away from my mother" thread. I am really trying to set some boundaries with her. I am going to have to get downright mean, I'm afraid. Loving and firm just ain't cutting it, if you kwim. My girls spent the night with her Saturday night and I picked them up yesterday around 1. Between the time we got home around 2pm and 9pm last night, she called me SEVEN times. I ignored all SEVEN calls. I do not think it is necessary for her to call us when we just left her house. There was no emergency; she just wanted to know what we were doing. How do I know? Because she also sent me FIVE text messages during that time period. She is obsessed with what we are doing, where we are going, blah blah blah. If she doesn't speak to them on the phone every single night, she has a fit. I'm serious. It doesn't matter if we see her at 6pm, she will be calling between 7 and 8 to "tell them goodnight". I rarely go to her house, but I just cannot take it anymore. The worst part is she acts like she doesn't even enjoy them when they are there. When I got there yesterday, she was yelling at them. They told me that Nannie had been mad and yelled all day long. I am so done with it.

 

I told her today that I think it is too much for them to spend the night with her anymore (they usually go spend the night about once a month). She started sobbing and carrying on. I explained that if they stress her out so much that she has to yell constantly, then it's not a good situation for anybody. She will now tell everyone we know that I am trying to "keep the girls away from her", and she will be mad at me for weeks. But, never fear, she will still obsessively call.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

So, my question is, how often do you speak to your parents on the phone? Do you live in the same town/state/country? If you are able to see them, how often do you see them?

 

I am most interested in answers from people who live in the same general area as their parents, though, of course, anyone is welcome to answer.

 

Thanks!!

[Pretty in Pink]

So, my question is, how often do you speak to your parents on the phone? Do you live in the same town/state/country? If you are able to see them, how often do you see them?

 

I talk to my mom several times a week. I see her next to never, but we do not live in the same state either. We did live three hours from her for three years at one point and we still only saw her once, maybe twice, a year. She is not comfortable staying in our home and we cannot stay in her because she smokes, so we have to settle for meeting somewhere public.

 

I used to live just ten minutes from her though, for a few years, and I saw her weekly then. It was much easier to make it work when the drive was shorter and I only had one child.

 

I rarely speak to my father (less than once a month, sometimes not for months on end) and I haven't seen him in ten years.

[Carrie12345]

Yikes!

I talk to my mother probably two or three times a month. More often when family events are coming up. It's really not enough, b/c our calls wind up going 2 hours long, but I loose track of time, and she doesn't like to be on the phone when she's watching my niece. @@

 

OTOH, my mil calls to talk to my 8yo (and, when she's feeling nice, my 7yo) EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. At least once. And it's to the point that I'm ready to disconnect our house line. She won't call my cell phone unless she specifically wants to speak to me, which doesn't happen often.

 

ETA: My mom lives 800 miles away. MIL lives about 90 minutes away.

[littlebug42]

I usually talk to my Mom and my MIL every day. They both do live witihn 10-15 minutes but I probably only average actually seeing them about once a week. My Mom still works full time and my MIL is retired with more on her plate now then when she worked I think.

[katemary63]

I never speak to my dad from whom I'm estranged. I only speak to my mother about once a month.

 

However, my DD24, who lives in Chicago calls me several times a day. We are very close.

[elegantlion]

We used to live an hour from my parents. We saw each other at least 1-2x/month. We would talk at least once a week. But unlike your mother, we get along well with my parents. Many times I think of us as adult friends vs. relatives. IOW, I would pick my parents to be friends with.

 

Now that we live 800 miles away we talk about once a week, maybe every two weeks. Obviously we see other much less, but we're planning on moving back.

 

:grouphug: I don't know what to tell you about boundaries. Your mom is way overboard, imo. Even my mom calling that much would be too much. :grouphug:

[TKDmom]

OhMyGoodness.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I moved out of state when I was 18 and never moved back. My mother used to call me daily (but only once a day!). It was enough to annoy me sometimes. At one point she sensed my irritation and admitted that she needed to develop her other friendships.

 

Since she passed away, I only talk to my dad about once a month. I don't think I'd ever had a phone conversation with him in the 10 years between my leaving home and my mother's passing, so this is often enough for us.

 

I have friends that live closer to their parents. They see them weekly. This would be too much for me. I need my space. :tongue_smilie:

[TXMomof4]

I talk to my mom at least once a day - but we haven't lived closer than 5 hours in the last 13 years. That makes a HUGE difference. While I adore my mom and dad and think they are fantastic people, I need some space.

 

DH and him mom speak maybe once a month. That's more than his brother talks to her and they live 2 blocks apart. Being close (physically) is not necessarily a blessing in my book.

[Mynyel]

My parents (as well as my sister and bil) play the same online game so I "talk" (as in type) to my mom every other day or so. I see them about 1 time a year, on average, sometimes less.

 

I text her so often with pictures of the kids and such but we go days without speaking or texting as well. I really is a no pressure type thing.

 

If my mom was to ever do like your Nakia I think I would go nuts. I would avoid phone calls and texts for days at a time! :) Then when asked.. oh yes I finally got them, I turned my ringer off for nighttime and then forgot to turn it back on... Course I really do that all the time and not on purpose.:tongue_smilie:

[JenneinCA]

I see my parents twice a year over Labor Day in May and at Thanksgiving in November. We are a long distance apart and this is what we can do.

 

We talk on the phone.... rarely.

 

But I blog daily and they read that. We send emails to each other about once a week. They have their lives and we have ours.

[Melinda in VT]

On average, I talk to my mom about once a week. (We live across the country from each other.)

 

For 7 years, we lived blocks away from my in-laws. Some weeks we saw/talked to them several times, other weeks not at all. Probably 1.5 times a week on average?

 

Growing up, we lived on the other side of town from my mom's mom. I think they talked once a week and saw each other about twice a month?

[stripe]

I don't really think it's a matter of how many times you are talking; it's a matter of how you feel about it. If it irritates you, then it's not fine. I'm all for chatting with one's mother, including every day, but I don't think it sounds like this is something you are enjoying. I also think anyone who calls this often must be horribly lonely and/or bored. Why does she have this much free time? What did she do before cell phones?

[*Jessica*]

We live about 15 minutes away from my parents. I talk to my mom on the phone about twice a week and usually see her once a week. It seems about perfect for me. My mom and grandma live about 6 miles apart from each other and talk on the phone every day, but only once!

 

I wish I had some good advice to give you. It sounds like a tough situation to be in!

[eternalknot]

I live in the same small town as do my parents. We talk several times throughout the day, most often of the not-important-just-seeing-what's-going-on variety. Or "I'm at the store, need anything?" purposeful type calls. We see them pretty much every day, too. Not just mom; dad, too.

 

It's 2pm, and so far there have been five phone calls between my phone and my parent's. We ate breakfast with them this morning, too. There will probably be another 2-3 phone calls or texts later today. Plus the constant Words With Friends games my son has going on with each parent (during which they message each other).

 

I grew up in a large family, in which people were always checking in or looking up on each other. Maybe I'm just accustomed to it. If my parents didn't call me on any given day, I'd know they were dead. I like the constant, random contact throughout the day -- both getting and giving.

 

Different note: maybe three girls at once is stressful to her, and the girls can rotate a week or month each. My mom had a large family, and she also came from a large family - it's always been easier for her to handle more than 1-2 grandkids at a time than it has been for my MIL (who is one of two, and only had two of her own). My MIL can handle my two kids or my nephew, but not all three at once. It's not the kids overwhelming her so much so as it is just the dynamics of the situation (being outnumbered, etc.)

 

Your mom sounds lonely. She's not reaching out in a way that is working for you, so maybe that's something the two of you can figure out -- assertively on your end, if nice reminders for space aren't getting through to her. Sounds like neither one of you feels like your needs are being heard by the other, much less met.

 

:grouphug:

[Guest janainaz]

I don't talk to my mom at all and she lives 15 minutes from me. I talk to my dad once a week for about 10 minutes and I see him twice a year. I think it's pathetic.

[Teresa in MO]

I talk to my dad about 2x a month. He lives 30 minutes away and I might see him 1-2x a year. He remarried a year after my mom died 22 years ago and his new wife's family became his primary focus. She passed away 18 months ago and he has a new girlfriend who keeps him busy. We were not a close family growing up. I see my brother who lives 20 minutes away a couple of times a year and we speak about 3-4x a year.

 

On the other hand, my dd and I talk almost every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. She lives 4 hours away with her dh and dd (soon to be 2 dd's!!!) BUT, I wait for her to call me most of the time. I will call her when I have something specific to ask or tell her. We usually do not talk on weekends. We also make it a point to see them once a month. My gd is 10 months old and it has been harder than I ever imagined not to be close. Also, his family lives in the same town and they see them often. It is a constant battle not to be jealous and envious of them!

 

Our immediate family is very close knit. I have kids spread out all across the country it seems, but we stay in close contact with each other. My one dd's boyfriend lives in Montana, 24 hours away. It looks like they will probably get married and she will move there. The thought just about kills me.

[Lolosoli]

My parents live down the street for the most part, my husbands parents are just around the corner.

 

We never, ever speak on the phone. We see each other once every few months on an informal basis. Sometimes we keep in contact/speak a bit on Facebook.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

I think you have to make the decision that is best for your kids and your own personal comfort.

[justamouse]

My mother called me 21 times on the phone one day. I was out on a long trip that took 6 hours of driving, she had just gotten in from vacay. We slept in, I ignored her first two calls the next morning because I was SLEEPING and then, she had my father call me. I tersely spoke to him, then she called me AGAIN, "I knew Dad calling you would make you pick up_" and that was it. I. BLEW. UP. The f bomb, everything.

 

She bought me willow plates to make up, and now she calls once a week, maybe twice and I make sure to give her a call once in a while. ....Ahhhhh....

 

We now live @ 20 minutes from eachother and she stops in and I drop by. But not even once a week.

Edited August 16, 2010 by justamouse

[kokotg]

I live less than 10 minutes from my mom. I talk to her on the phone maybe 3 times a week, usually just for a few minutes. How much we see her varies...she has a pool, so we try to get over there once or twice a week to swim in summer. Otherwise, we might see her twice a month, sometimes less. It kind of bums me out that she's not interested in seeing the kids more than that, but what can you do? She never offers to take them, but will babysit occasionally if asked.

[Hockey Mom]

My parents are a 500 miles away. For a reason. ;) I love them dearly, but we irritate each other when we spend too much time together. Political polar opposites.

 

We converse mainly through email because I hate talking on the phone. We talk on the phone every couple of months, but we "talk" via email all of the time.

[mlktwins]

If my mom were still alive, I would be talking to her at least once a day. She was my best friend. She would be living about 15-20 minutes from me if she were still here and would be with me quite often. She was a little bit of a control freak, but I would take it in a heart beat if she were still with me.

 

My dad and I weren't very close until I had my twins. Now we talk at least once a day or every other day and he comes to see the boys 2-3 times a week. He drives me nuts (like having a 3rd kid -- feeding him, giving instructions, etc), but he loves my boys so I deal with it :D.

 

My in-laws are 2 miles from me and we talk probably once a day or every other day. They are also over 2-3 times a week to see the boys. This is great for me 'cause I can get out of the house by myself and run errands and such.

 

My dad is 75 and my in-laws are almost 84 so we don't leave the boys with them overnight. My boys are the only grandkids on both sides of the family so I will tolerate whatever for them and my boys to get as much time together as possible.

[mlktwins]

But ya know, it is kinda hard to even make friends with a dad who is always with you. People in the grocery store would start referring to him as my husband (eek).

 

 

 

I'm sorry I didn't read your post before I responded. My dad has come on playdates with me often (especially when the boys were younger) and all the other mom's kids just love him -- LOL. He doesn't so much anymore, but one of my twins would race off at a seconds notice so he was a great help to me. What you said made me chuckle though. I make sure to call him Grandpa often when we are out and about :D.

[HootyTooty]

I talk to my mom 1-2 times a week. Anything further we both get very worried about the other. She lives over 13 hours away so I don't get to see her in person as much as I like to. We have talked about what we would do if she was closer and we both agree we would visit once a week.

[ScoutTN]

We live near my mom and stepfather - 25 minute drive when there's not traffic. Same major metro area, but different parts of town. We talk on the phone about 3x week. And usually see them 1x a week. We are busy and so are they and we don't overlap in neighborhoods, churches or other routine activities so we have to plan to be together.

We enjoy seeing one another but like having our own space too!

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I speak to my mom about once every other day.

 

She lives about 20 minutes driving time from me. I see her about two or three times a month.

 

I really hate talking on the phone. Once a week would probably do me just fine, and she would prefer every. single. day. several. times. a. day. . . so we've compromised on about every other day.

 

She is very nosy and gets on my last nerve, but she's my Mom, and I love her, so I try to keep it light and airy and get off in 15 minutes or less. ;)

[Dobela]

My mom lives 12 miles away. Once upon a tme we talked daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times daily. Sometimes we would fight over the phone. We operated a small eBay business for a time. We saw each other several times a week. Then she had a ministroke and her personality changed. We went thru a time where she woudl call almost non stop. If she called the house and I didn't pick up, she would not leave a message. Instead she would call my cell phone. If I didn't answer, she would call the house again, and repeat the whole scenario over and over and over until I would answer. And it was never an emergency. It was always something like, "I have more toilet paper than will fit in my cabinet. Do you want the extra 3 rolls?" Now I see her maybe 2x a month. Her choice because after I set boundaries (and told her I wasn't answering the phone and that she was not allowed to behave certain ways around us/our kids) she decided I was the Spawn of Satan and abusive to her. Whatever. It has been very difficult and some people who don't realize the extent of her personality change believe her when she says awful things about me and my dd (she adores my son, but hates my dd). That hurts, but I have decided to carry on and hopefully the truth will eventually come out.

[simka2]

Just wanted to say...We've been thru this with MIL. She did tell everyone we were withholding the kids from her...and now she and FIL will not speak to us. It's hard and painful, but so worth the peace in my nuclear family!!!

[Momma2Many66]

I talk to my adult married oldest daughter (age 22) at least 3 to 4 times a day !

 

As soon as her husband leaves for work (he works second shift) she calls me and we discuss all kinds of things, many times book we are reading, recipes we are preparing for dinner, netflix movies or tv shows we watched the night before, her new puppy and it's behavior problems, what homeschooling curriculum I have purchased or implemented, her sewing projects, ectera.

 

My daughter and her husband live about 5 minutes away from me. They have no children yet, but are planning on starting a family very soon. I imagine once the pregnancies and children come along, I will have to have a permanent phone line attached to my head, we will probably be on the phone for quick chats non-stop.

 

I talk to my mother every day. I call her to check on her and dad, we discuss what we are making for dinner that evening, we give each other recipe tips. We also discuss what she found on sale at the grocery store, how she did that day as a vendor at the flea market, what tv show she watched lately.

 

I pick up my parents every Saturday morning at 5:30 am (Just Mom, Dad and I), we go for breakfast and then hit the yard sales and flea markets together to find treasures for our homes or in my case books and educational things to add to our homeschooling curriculum. After the yard sales we get an early lunch and then hit the GoodWill's in our area, it is a fun trip for us and it is something we all enjoy doing together as a family.

 

I didn't always have a good relationship with my mother (her choice). For years we were very strained and rarely taked or saw each other, but once or twice a year. But I worked really hard the last three years to establish a closer relationship with them both. My parents are getting up there in age, they are in their mid to late 70's and I realized that I have very little time left with them. After dealing with my oldest daughter going through a terrible cancer crisis and loosing my much loved grandfather (who I went to mass & breakfast with every Sunday morning) several years ago, I realized how precious and fleeting time is and I wanted to really work on that closeness with my family before it is too late.

[Sophia]

When my oldest two dc were toddlers, mom lived 5 minutes away and would come over every. single. day.

I couldn't ask her not to, so I would deliberately take the dc for a walk when she normally came over...she would figure out I had gone for a walk and drive around town looking for me! Then she would tell me she was going back to my house to wait for me. Argh!

We moved from Illinois to Georgia (it was easier for me to move than ask her to stop coming over every day, but that's not the only reason we moved) and guess what? She was in Georgia within 6 months.

I finally had to tell her she could not come over every day because it interfered with my school schedule.

She was deeply offended and told my brothers I was rude and mean.

Whatever.

I did try to respect her and drop hints that her visits were disruptive, but she is so focused on herself that she can not understand why a homeschooling mom of 6 with a house to manage would not want company stopping by every day~and she does consider herself company, she's not the type of mom to say "honey, is there anyway I can help?"

I know myself well enough to know that if didn't set limits with her, I would eventually pop and deserve the "rude and mean" label.

So now she comes over on Saturdays only, and if we have plans, we tell her we'll catch up with her the following week.

We were never close when I was growing up, she comes over mainly to see the older kids. The little boys are too exhausting for her and she can't tolerate them for too long.

My setting limits with her did force her to develop her own life and she does have a nice set of friends, so I guess I feel sort of vindicated because she never would have done that if I had let her be over here all the time.

[babysparkler]

Speak to on phone... about 4-6 times per year

See in person... once every 2-3 years

[Unicorn.]

When my mother was alive, we talked on the phone every day, at least once. When I lived 4 hrs away, my dad would call every Sunday morning at 10:20. When we moved back home (17 miles from dad) he stopped calling. He said I was close enough that he didn't have to check on me as much! LOL Sometimes we talk once a week, sometimes once a month. For the past 3 months I've been driving him to the doc 2x a week, so I've seen him a lot lately. :)

[Mom0012]

I talk with my mom on the phone anywhere from 1 - 3 times a week and I see her once every week or two. She lives about an hour away.

 

Lisa

[Tiff in TX]

My mom sounds like your mom... only I still get yelled at if I don't answer her calls. I don't screen her calls, I simply don't always hear my phone or make it there on time.

 

Mom lives about 15 minutes away and we talk about 4 times a day and see each other about 3 times a week.

 

I have a great relationship with my parents, but my mom still thinks I'm 10:lol:

[tabrizia]

My Mom lives 700 miles away so a bit of a distance. We talk on the phone anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week sometimes less, rarely more, but it has been known to happen. She visits or I visit her and my Dad every 6 weeks give or take, normally for a week+ if I am going down there and a long weekend if she is coming up here. We also e-mail each other 2 or 3 times a week normally, and she comments on my blog and facebook as well.

 

My in-laws live about 40 minutes from us, we tend to see them on average once a week or 4 times a month, occasionally it is more or less, but that is the general average. I probably speak with them on the phone once every 2 weeks or so, DH talks to them slightly more often, but most phone calls are of the type, "Does Saturday or Sunday work better for you, Sunday? Great we'll be there around 2." We also talk in e-mail about once a week.

[Nakia]

Thank you all for all your answers. I admire you all who have great relationships with your parents. For those who suggested my mother may be lonely or bored, yes, it is both. One of my brothers just got home (home is 900 miles away in Kansas) from a deployment, and our baby brother just left for Afghanistan. I know she is hurting, but honestly, this has gone on for several years, with a dramatic increase in the last 8-10 months. She doesn't have a lot of friends, except her "feel bad" friends. That's what I call the ones she calls so they can have an "I feel so bad, my kids don't respect me, I'm so sick" conversation. IOW, she does not have any really healthy friendships. She is very, very, very hard to get along with. It's not just me who feels like jumping off a cliff around her. She does have a full-time job, but she doesn't really like anyone she works with, of course. She has zero hobbies. She is married to my step-father, but they are like two people leading two different lives but living in the house.

 

I really wish we could have meaningful conversations. She doesn't ever ask how I am, but she loves to complain about every.single.aspect of her life. She is emotionally absent. We don't have any shared interests because she has no interests, other than trying to manage my life. We don't spend any quality time together. I have tried, but she isn't interested in doing anything with us. She wants the girls to spend the night, but she wants them to watch TV the entire time, and then doesn't understand when they get bored and act out. Someone suggested that the girls go one a time to spend the night. I offered, but she refused that. I know I sound like a terrible person, but I feel like it's time I get real about this. To her credit, she was raised in a verbally, mentally, and physically abusive home. So I know she doesn't know how to be a mother. Her mother is very sick (mentally ill) and estranged from our entire family (long story!!). I fear my mother is headed in the same direction.

 

Again, thank you so much. I do appreciate you all listening. I am not really a b*tchy person, I promise. :D

Edited August 16, 2010 by Nakia

[QueenCat]

My parents live 12 hours away by car. They visit us twice a year. We visit them twice a year, usually. I talk to my parents most days for at least a few minutes.

[BMW]

When life gets a bit bumpy, my dad calls me once or twice a week... if things are particularly difficult, he will call once a day for several days. It's terrific. I love that my dad cares how I am doing and prays for me. I love being his girl! When the flow of life is calm and settled... all is well... we talk about three times a month. I like that. I try to see him in person once a year.

 

My mom and I usually talk once a week... sometimes a couple times a week. I see her about once every 3 years for a visit, since we have never lived near each other. We laugh about all sorts of funny things. When we visit, it is very dear.

 

I feel so very blessed.

 

My dh's parents live just 10 minutes away. He stops by their house to see if there's anything he can help with on his way home from work... usually about 3 times a week. I used to get a little annoyed, but then when his dad had a heart attack, I was so thankful that my dh does stop in and see them. We usually get together with them a couple times a month... at least!! Relationships are generally very good all the way around with that...

[Mad Jenny Flint]

It sounds like it doesn't really matter what anyone else is doing in their relationships with their parents, but what direction you need to go with yours.

 

I believe, from the content of your posts, that your mother is mentally ill. Her behavior lies well beyond the bounds of what most would consider "normal," and she appears to have difficulty controlling her behavior, as well.

 

You need to do whatever is necessary to create peace for yourself in this situation, and more importantly, you need to let go of any guilt that creating peace for yourself engenders. If supportive friends and/or family members aren't enough to help you to do this, I would suggest therapy.

 

No one deserves to be treated the way your mother is treating you and your girls. You are not the bad guy here, no matter what she says.

 

Edited to add: I am estranged from my (mentally ill) mother.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Mad Jenny Flint
additional information

[Nakia]

It sounds like it doesn't really matter what anyone else is doing in their relationships with their parents, but what direction you need to go with yours.

 

I believe, from the content of your posts, that your mother is mentally ill. Her behavior lies well beyond the bounds of what most would consider "normal," and she appears to have difficulty controlling her behavior, as well.

 

You need to do whatever is necessary to create peace for yourself in this situation, and more importantly, you need to let go of any guilt that creating peace for yourself engenders. If supportive friends and/or family members aren't enough to help you to do this, I would suggest therapy.

 

No one deserves to be treated the way your mother is treating you and your girls. You are not the bad guy here, no matter what she says.

 

Edited to add: I am estranged from my (mentally ill) mother.

 

Thank you. I am in therapy. I guess I just posted this to see if this situation was common, when in my heart I knew the answer. It turned into a rant, and I really didn't mean for it too. My best friend also told me today that I have got to let go of the guilt. I know it's true.

:grouphug: I'm sorry about your relationship with your mother. It's so hard.

[phathui5]

When we used to live close to my parents, we saw them every Sunday (went to the same church) and talked on the phone maybe once a week.

 

Now that I live in a different state, my mom and I talk once or twice a week and email occasionally.

[Nakia]

If my mom were still alive, I would be talking to her at least once a day. She was my best friend. She would be living about 15-20 minutes from me if she were still here and would be with me quite often. She was a little bit of a control freak, but I would take it in a heart beat if she were still with me.

 

My dad and I weren't very close until I had my twins. Now we talk at least once a day or every other day and he comes to see the boys 2-3 times a week. He drives me nuts (like having a 3rd kid -- feeding him, giving instructions, etc), but he loves my boys so I deal with it :D.

 

My in-laws are 2 miles from me and we talk probably once a day or every other day. They are also over 2-3 times a week to see the boys. This is great for me 'cause I can get out of the house by myself and run errands and such.

 

My dad is 75 and my in-laws are almost 84 so we don't leave the boys with them overnight. My boys are the only grandkids on both sides of the family so I will tolerate whatever for them and my boys to get as much time together as possible.

 

I know you didn't mean for it to, but posts like yours make me feel so guilty. I want my children to have a relationship with my mother because I don't with my grandmother. But I need, and they need, it to be a healthy relationship. I fear that if I don't stop this now, she will treat them the same way when they are out and living on their own. She is only 53 years old.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Nakia

[Momma2Many66]

As I said in an earlier post, I too have had a very difficult time with my own mother for years and years. Growing up, my mother was not a good mother to us children when we were young. She was very hard to deal with and tended to be very verbally abusive.

 

As an adult dealing with her, I had to learn to bite my tongue and clench my teeth to just have a conversation with her. Then one day, I just decided to not deal with her and moved her out of my life for years, only seeing her or speaking to her several times a year.

 

Then a few years ago, my oldest daughter got seriously ill with a life threatening cancer and my whole world turned upside down. I re-evaluated everything in my life, from the way we lived our life, our spiritual beliefs to my relationship with others.

 

I realized how short life was and I decided I needed to change. I could not fix my mother, but I could fix the way I dealt with her. I realized that for whatever reasons, my mother was very, very, lonely in her life. She just didn't know how to relate well to her children, she had never been a "kid person" and didn't really understand her role as a mother (she did not have a close relationship with her own mother) or how to interact with us. My mother was not a stay at home mother, she was always working and finding any excuse to get away from her kids. She needed me to extend her some grace in teaching her how to relate to us, how to get to know us and who we are and how to learn to just enjoy spending time with us.

 

I gave her tons and tons of grace. In the beginning I found myself biting my tongue, nodding my head and just listening to her go on and on. Then one day, when she was spent out in her verbal diatribe of how her life was so awful because of "such and such". I said "Mom, let's find some helpful ways to get to know one another". I told her I loved her, that I wanted her in my life very much and that I would need her help to foster a close relationship with her. But I believed if we worked on it together, we could do it, we could find a way to interact and get along and maybe even grow to enjoy one another.

 

I wanted it not only for myself, but also for her. But most of all, I wanted her and I to have a close relationship for my own children. For how we treat our parents, is how our own children will someday treat us. I wanted to stop the cycle, my mother didn't get along with her own mother and could barely tolerate her until the day she died. So many of the elderly end up alone and so lonely, nobody to care for them or to want them around. I didn't want my children to someday see me as a burden to them. I wanted them to enjoy time with me, I wanted us to be close, I wanted us to enjoy our time together and for them to want me and include me in their lives.

 

But, I first had to demonstrate that to my children (who are always, always watching and taking their own cues from us) by spending time and creating a loving relationship with my own parents.

 

It wasn't easy, it took A LOT of work ! On both my part and my mother's part. But we did it. We still to this day do not see eye to eye on everything, we have so many differences in how we live our lives, but I forgave her a long time ago and she forgave things she needed to forgive with me.

 

We now talk daily on the phone and spend every Saturday together. I have to share that it is such a beautiful light in my life, those special Saturdays with my mother. She will never know how much they mean to me or what a gift it is for me, I feel as if we are making up for so much lost time !

 

I didn't want to repeat the cycle. I wanted the cycle of difficult mother/daughter relationships in our family history to stop with me. I wanted to create a new heritage for my own children, one of close bonding between parents, grandparents and children.

 

I think we are doing just that.

 

Here is a story I read recently that made me cry and reminded me of how much our children learn about how to treat others by what they see us doing. It really spoke to me, it is not exactly the same situation as you speak about here of course, but it does show shades of extending grace to the elderly and I thought it may speak to someone else also.

 

The Wooden Bowl

 

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow,

a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

 

A frail old man went to live with his son,

daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson.

The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred,

and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.

 

But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and

failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off

his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,

milk spilled on the tablecloth.

 

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with

the mess. "We must do something about father," said

the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy

eating, and food on the floor."

 

So the husband and wife set a small table in the

corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest

of the family enjoyed dinner.

 

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his

food was served in a wooden bowl!

 

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,

sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were

sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork

or spilled food.

 

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

 

One evening before supper, the father noticed his

son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a

little wooden bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."

The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

 

The words so struck the parents that they were

speechless. Then tears started to stream down their

cheeks. Though no word was

spoken, both knew what must be done.

 

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and

gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of

his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,

neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was

dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.::::::

 

 

 

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person

by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day,

the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

 

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship

with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from

your life.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Momma2Many66

[mommaduck]

Mother and Step/Adoptive Father....never

Father....never

Stepmother...once a year (?)

Mother in law....never

Father in law and Step Mother in law....a phone call once or twice a month

Edited August 16, 2010 by mommaduck

[KrissiK]

We live in the same town and have a good relationship with them. We have dinner at their house once a week, talk on the phone maybe once or twice a week. That's average. Sometimes I'll take the kids over for "coffee break" or something during the week, too!

[Tutor]

We live 1,000 miles from my parents. I talk to them once a week, on average. Dad and I also email occasionally. I see them about once every 18 months or so.

 

When we lived 2.5 hours away, we still talked about once a week, but we saw them about once a month or so.

 

My dh's family has always lived about 700 miles from us. He talks to them once or twice a week, and we see them once every 18 months or so.

[kalanamak]

 

So, my question is, how often do you speak to your parents on the phone? Do you live in the same town/state/country? If you are able to see them, how often do you see them?

 

 

Thanks!!

 

 

I had very dignified and private parents, and I called them weekly from age 19 to 49 (when they had both died). Once they needed help, I visited twice a year for a week or so to do housework and take them to appointments (to give my brothers a hand). Prior to that I saw them yearly.

 

:grouphug: with your mother. Honestly, she sounds like she has a mental illness...severe anxiety maybe. Would she consider getting help? Would she consider getting help if you went with her?

 

:grouphug: in just saying no. This must be miserable. Sometimes a crisis like this makes a person get help. It is for her benefit as well as yours for you to expect some reasonableness from her. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Nakia]

I had very dignified and private parents, and I called them weekly from age 19 to 49 (when they had both died). Once they needed help, I visited twice a year for a week or so to do housework and take them to appointments (to give my brothers a hand). Prior to that I saw them yearly.

 

:grouphug: with your mother. Honestly, she sounds like she has a mental illness...severe anxiety maybe. Would she consider getting help? Would she consider getting help if you went with her?

 

:grouphug: in just saying no. This must be miserable. Sometimes a crisis like this makes a person get help. It is for her benefit as well as yours for you to expect some reasonableness from her. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry that you, and so many others here, have lost your parents. :grouphug:

 

No, my mother will not get help. Actually she broke her ankle several years ago and had to have three separate surgeries. She became pretty depressed, so her doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. She took them for three months, and between the AD and the pain meds, she was the most easy-going and nicest person you could ask for. But after three months, she decided she didn't need the meds anymore. :( It's really been downhill from there.

 

As of now, she does not think she is sick or that she needs any help. I have asked her to get help. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she was so offended that someone would diagnose me with an actual mental disorder. She still refuses to believe her daughter could have bipolar disorder. She doesn't really believe mental disorders exist.

[Ellie]

When my mil lived in town, we talked to her, oh, once a week or so, and maybe we saw her once a month. She had a life, we had a life, everything was good. :-)

 

My mother lived 14 hours away. I talked to her weekly, might have seen her once a year.

[Sasharowan]

I talk to my mom on the phone every morning and we see each other 2-4 times a week, depending on what is planned. We often meet, have lunch and go shopping. We go camping with the kids 2-3 times a year and she has the kids spend the night 4-5 times a year. We see my Dad about once a month since he's always at work. They live about 10 miles away.

[Nakia]

As I said in an earlier post, I too have had a very difficult time with my own mother for years and years. Growing up, my mother was not a good mother to us children when we were young. She was very hard to deal with and tended to be very verbally abusive.

 

As an adult dealing with her, I had to learn to bite my tongue and clench my teeth to just have a conversation with her. Then one day, I just decided to not deal with her and moved her out of my life for years, only seeing her or speaking to her several times a year.

 

Then a few years ago, my oldest daughter got seriously ill with a life threatening cancer and my whole world turned upside down. I re-evaluated everything in my life, from the way we lived our life, our spiritual beliefs to my relationship with others.

 

I realized how short life was and I decided I needed to change. I could not fix my mother, but I could fix the way I dealt with her. I realized that for whatever reasons, my mother was very, very, lonely in her life. She just didn't know how to relate well to her children, she had never been a "kid person" and didn't really understand her role as a mother (she did not have a close relationship with her own mother) or how to interact with us. My mother was not a stay at home mother, she was always working and finding any excuse to get away from her kids. She needed me to extend her some grace in teaching her how to relate to us, how to get to know us and who we are and how to learn to just enjoy spending time with us.

 

I gave her tons and tons of grace. In the beginning I found myself biting my tongue, nodding my head and just listening to her go on and on. Then one day, when she was spent out in her verbal diatribe of how her life was so awful because of "such and such". I said "Mom, let's find some helpful ways to get to know one another". I told her I loved her, that I wanted her in my life very much and that I would need her help to foster a close relationship with her. But I believed if we worked on it together, we could do it, we could find a way to interact and get along and maybe even grow to enjoy one another.

 

I wanted it not only for myself, but also for her. But most of all, I wanted her and I to have a close relationship for my own children. For how we treat our parents, is how our own children will someday treat us. I wanted to stop the cycle, my mother didn't get along with her own mother and could barely tolerate her until the day she died. So many of the elderly end up alone and so lonely, nobody to care for them or to want them around. I didn't want my children to someday see me as a burden to them. I wanted them to enjoy time with me, I wanted us to be close, I wanted us to enjoy our time together and for them to want me and include me in their lives.

 

But, I first had to demonstrate that to my children (who are always, always watching and taking their own cues from us) by spending time and creating a loving relationship with my own parents.

 

It wasn't easy, it took A LOT of work ! On both my part and my mother's part. But we did it. We still to this day do not see eye to eye on everything, we have so many differences in how we live our lives, but I forgave her a long time ago and she forgave things she needed to forgive with me.

 

We now talk daily on the phone and spend every Saturday together. I have to share that it is such a beautiful light in my life, those special Saturdays with my mother. She will never know how much they mean to me or what a gift it is for me, I feel as if we are making up for so much lost time !

 

I didn't want to repeat the cycle. I wanted the cycle of difficult mother/daughter relationships in our family history to stop with me. I wanted to create a new heritage for my own children, one of close bonding between parents, grandparents and children.

 

I think we are doing just that.

 

Here is a story I read recently that made me cry and reminded me of how much our children learn about how to treat others by what they see us doing. It really spoke to me, it is not exactly the same situation as you speak about here of course, but it does show shades of extending grace to the elderly and I thought it may speak to someone else also.

 

 

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship

with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from

your life.

 

Had to delete the Wooden Bowl story so I could respond.

 

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. The difference seems to be that your mother recognized that things needed to be changed and was willing to help. Believe me, this did not happen overnight, and I didn't just come here to rant about something that I have not tried to change. I am a "come up with a solution" kind of girl. I have tried to talk to my mother. Her response is to say, "Fine, Nakia, I'm sorry I ever called you. I won't bother you again." And then she does, like an hour later. There is not chance of having a normal healthy conversation with her. She gets completely offended about everything and then she stays mad for days. Like I said, she is emotionally absent. I am trying very hard not to choose to end the relationship with my mother. I never want it to come to that.