s/o Catherine's thread on paying for college

[jld]

What do you expect to provide your kids with after 18? Do you plan to pay all or part of college, or nothing? Do you feel you owe your children a wedding, or a car to start them off in life? Do you plan to lend them money to buy a house, or pay for expenses for their children?

 

Do you have a plan, or is it we'll see how it goes? Any strong convictions out there?

[Carol in Cal.]

I would contribute toward a wedding, but don't feel as strongly about it. That's about it for financial stuff. But I would help with grandchildren, and host holidays regularly for sure.

[Renee in NC]

What do you expect to provide your kids with after 18? Do you plan to pay all or part of college, or nothing? Do you feel you owe your children a wedding, or a car to start them off in life? Do you plan to lend them money to buy a house, or pay for expenses for their children?

 

Do you have a plan, or is it we'll see how it goes? Any strong convictions out there?

 

My oldest is almost 17 and will graduate high school next year. His college tuition is already paid for, but he will have to come up with room, board, books, etc.

 

He is welcome to live here and go to school (free room and board) but I don't think he wants to do that - 1300 square feet, 6 younger siblings, you get the picture!:tongue_smilie: I gave him $500 towards a car. I buy him plane tickets to come see us (and the beach.:D) I provided him with a cell phone, but he has to pay the bill.;)

 

I'll help him anyway I can, but he knows that isn't much (financially) but we are *always* here for him.

[Chris in VA]

We require our ds in college to pay 1/4 of the costs. We feel it's reasonable, given that he didn't qualify for any financial aid except loans, and we can get a better interest rate going thru our home owner's line of credit.

 

We will pay for a rehearsal dinner and give a nice financial gift for the boys, and we will foot most of the bill for our dd's wedding--which won't be for a whle, hopefully ;).

 

Ds20 got a car for $1 from a parishoner--he pays his own tags and insurance. Ds18 has $3000 towards a car from his aunt. Insurance is on him.

 

We will help a little, here and there, but basically expect both sons to be on their own, working in the summers and at breaks, and getting a "career" job when they graduate college. If they absolutely need to live here for a few months after college, I'm not opposed to that. They will probably take on some portion of the college debt, but we hope not more than $10,000 or so.

[Liz CA]

We try to go 50/50 unless ds can secure a job while in college that would not necessitate our assistance. This means he lives at our home and eats for free, tuition is paid for (very inexpensive right now) but car expenses are shared. He has to pay 100% for items that are not food/board/school related.

Right now he's living at home and going to college but he has plans for the military. We'll see what happens.

[ScoutTN]

We are a long way from this, but our plan is to go match our kids' savings towards their first cars, help as we can for college tuition/books expecting them to work and pay their own room and board, car ins. etc, and help as we can for a wedding.

[musicianmom]

I'll let them live at home while they attend the local state university. If the scholarship opportunities are still the same in 15 years or so, I'll expect that any college-bound child should be able to get tuition paid for (the threshold is not very high in our state). They can work to pay for books, car, etc. I will do my best to provide them with a skill that will allow them to earn good part-time money.

 

When they get engaged, if I can afford it, I'll write them a check that should pay for a modest church wedding. They can spend it however they want. :)

[MIch elle]

That's what we told them, BUT we hope to do more. I want them to chose wisely (college & major) and take their education seriously. I've known too many kids to party, waste the money; NOT finish and earn any degree.

 

I plan to go back to work and help pay for as much as we can as long as they keep up their grades and do the best they can. My older ds is looking at DPT and it will be 6 or 7 years of school to earn that degree.

Edited April 24, 2010 by MIch elle
added info

[JFSinIL]

The law states that up to age 24 there will be an expected "family contribution" (EFC) as determined by the FAFSA forms everyone fills out...and colleges will only treat as need anything ABOVE the EFC. They don't care if the parent's can't or won't pay up - they will only offer the kid financial aid to cover what is above the EFC.

 

So if a school costs 10,000 a year...and the family EFC is $9,000...the student will only qualify for grants/loans of $1,000.

 

Now, it is always possible for a kid to earn some merit scholarships - my kid did that, but our EFC was still much more than we expected (or he could cover with loans.) Were we to say "kid, you gotta pay for college yourself" he would not be able to attend 8 of the 9 schools that accepted him (private and public).

 

Sigh, it all stinks. Back in my day, the local $$$ private school cost 1/20th of my dad's income (I did not attend!!). Now, a moderately $$$ school costs 1/5th of our income...and hubby makes now the same salary my dad made then!!! The cost of college is just too high for most kids to cover it themselves.

 

Our nephew did ROTC to cover his college. He is now in Afghanistan clearing land mines from roads for the Army. I think I'd rather come up with another way to get a kid through college.

[OrganicAnn]

We are putting into a saving plan for my DDs college. I feel strongly about paying at least as much as we can for college. My parents paid for my college (with the help of scholarships and grants) and I feel it is my responsibility to pay for as much as I can to my parent's grandchild (ie my child). If she didn't care about college and had no ambition to go to college, then I would reconsider the whole plan. I don't think we'll be able to afford an expensive private college, but we hope to afford a state school or a private college with scholarships.

 

I would expect that we would help pay for a wedding if we were financially able to do so.

 

I feel that we would never buy a car, but might lend some money to help her buy a car.

 

House - no. Maybe a gift of a little more than usual money at Christmas that year if we could afford it.

 

My DD's children or my future grandchildren. Only the typical Grandparent gifts. If for some reason my DD had some major life problems and needed help providing for her kids, then we would help if it would really help and not be counter-productive.

[Sherry in OH]

I plan to cover at least half the costs of attending a state university. If my children earn scholarships, any excess money left in their education funds will be theirs upon graduation.

 

Cars and insurance are their own responsibility. I will help set up a first home with gifts of essential items. Those items would not necessarily be new.

 

Marriage - I will give a set amount of money. That money may be used toward a fancy wedding, a down payment on house, or whatever.

 

Grandchildren - if I have the money, I will set up education funds. If they live nearby, I will offer to sit for parents' nights or weekends out. Otherwise, I might make gifts of experiences (pay for zoo or museum passes, music lessons, or sports participation.) for birthdays or holidays depending on the desires of the parents.

[Julie in CA]

We always planned on our dc attending the local community college, and then the local state U, and living at home while doing so. We were/are willing to pay for that, mostly due to the fact that with a farm lifestyle our dc have worked many *many* hours (mostly for free) throughout their lives.

 

I didn't anticipate the academic apathy at the community college level, either on the part of my child, or more importantly, from the faculty and other students. I have taken a fair amount of classes at that same community college over the years, and I'm actually not surprised (when I really think about it) that my firstborn son is just not finding any inspiration or ambition towards excellence there. For a variety of reasons, the private college may be a better fit for this kid in particular, so we will try to find a way to pay for that as well.

 

We've worked hard as farmers, as our children have too. We've taken far less from "the system" than we've put in. I'm willing to take on the debt (within reason) to find the best life fit for my dc while I can, and yes, I'll even accept financial aid if it's available, especially in the form of low-interest loans, for which ds, dh, and I will share the responsibility. Let's put it this way--I'd rather invest in him now, than invest in him later in the form of welfare.

[DawnM]

We want to do everything in our power to provide a college education for our kids. It may be living at home and attending the local state college, but we feel we can manage that. Anything else they may have to pay the difference.

 

Some of this is hard because I have one son with a learning disability who will struggle and I am not even sure he would be able to finish college if we told him he had to work on top of trying to just get through, so I don't plan to push it. I would rather see him succeed in finishing college!

 

My parents paid for all of my undergrad and even some of my grad school. When I finished I asked my dad if I could pay them back and his answer was, "Yes! You can pay me back by providing college for your own kids!"

 

I never took it for granted and I have never forgotten what he said. I plan to do the best I can to fulfill that.

 

Dawn

Edited April 25, 2010 by DawnM

[Mommyof4ks]

We will do whatever we can to help the kids through college, however we know that they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves just like we did. I worked full time at the college to get free tuition for myself and my dh, and we left with very few loans (I quit working to be a SAHM).

 

Weddings are a whole nother thing. We will help, but there will be a limit. We got married cheap but had a beautiful wedding. We might offer some money for a downpayment on a house to deter a huge money wasting wedding. ;)

 

I would love for our parents to be able to help us support our kids in their passions to help relieve some of the financial strains on us, so yes we will offer to pay for lessons and such for our grandchildren. We will not buy them a new wardrobe or a pool table, but things that will teach them and grow their minds and bodies we will help if our children would like us too.

[cathmom]

I have one in college now. He got a full scholarship, which is good because we have no way to help him at all. Our financial situation when he started college was very bad, but it's slowly getting better. When he's here, we feed him, and that's about all we can offer right now.

 

Anything else would depend on what our financial situation is like at the time. I have always said to myself though, that for my children's tenth anniversaries (should they marry) I would give them and their spouse $1000.

 

If/when I have grandchildren, I would love to be able to help out with extras like ballet, educational magazines, field trips if I live close enough, etc.

[Tap]

Our original plan was to have the kids pay for their own college expenses. We would locate to an area with several colleges that they can at least get most undergrad degrees at. If they lived at home they would be expected to pay rent, but that would be saved for them to put toward a home or marriage when they move out.

 

Now, our plans have changed a bit.

 

We did relocate to a city with several colleges, that worked out great. We will still allow the kids to live at home but we didn't expect the kids to be entering college at 16yo.

 

Ds will just barely be 16 when he starts college in the fall. He will be taking College Calculus, a lab science, and college level writing (College Spanish 2/3 will fit in sometime that year also). Added to that he has a formal science fair presentation, studying for 3 AP exams and SAT, volunteer work and home duties. He is very active in the church and is on two competitive sports teams (swimming/crew). I don't want him working right now. I think his other endeavors have more value than a job at McD's. He will be a Junior in College at 18 and will be in advanced math/science/foreign language classes. Depending on his work load then.....we will see. But I again think that it may not be feasible to expect him to have a job that would support himself/pay for college or create a substantial savings. If he does, great, but I won't expect it. I would expect that he will have a part time job to cover his personal expenses and spending money.

 

 

We will see where life finds us when the girls get to that point.

 

We are getting ready to buy a 3rd family car so he will have a car to drive to classes. He knows it is not his personal car, so we still control the car and the miles put on it.

[KidsHappen]

We have a total of seven dds. We are just glad we didn't/don't have to pay doweries. :001_huh: We help with weddings. We expect to pay 1/3, and that the groom's family would pay 1/3 and that the couple themselves would pay 1/3. Of course, that goes for all the children.

 

We don't buy anyone cars. It's a precedent we can't afford to set. Now, if they buy their own car and are responsible about it, then we will try to help if it is needed.

 

We plan to help with college as much as we can. We didn't originally plan to. We worked and paid for our own college but we are still paying student loans. :glare: When you add in the fact, that colleges require family contribution until the age of 24, well it makes it very hard for a student to go when they are young without any help.

 

We have eight dc total but we also have a fairly healthy income. When I saw the amount we are required to contribute for each child, I just about fell over. Honestly, if all of my kids were going to college at the same time, it would almost twice our income for college contributions alone. Luckily, four children are grown and on their own and the youngest two won't get to college until the middle two are graduated so hopefully we can get everyone who wants to go through.

 

We try to help parents, children and even siblings as much as we can, we have a middle class standard of living, we pay a lot in taxes (last time I figured it, the total taxes including all state, local and other mandatory deductions was close to 45%) and we have really high healthcare costs so even though we are doing ok we live paycheck to paycheck and have to manage most things on a pay as we go basis. This means births, deaths, marriages, college, healthcare, mortgage, family car, retirement, everything but we manage so I am grateful. That doesn't mean I don't worry and I am not stressed about it but I am grateful that we can do that.

[texasmama]

All of those decisions to contribute will mostly depend on our ability to help and contribute. If we can, I would love to help the kids with college. I would love to pay for a wedding. I would love to help with a downpayment on a house. Time will tell lf this is possible for us financially.

[eternalknot]

What do you expect to provide your kids with after 18? Do you plan to pay all or part of college, or nothing? Do you feel you owe your children a wedding, or a car to start them off in life? Do you plan to lend them money to buy a house, or pay for expenses for their children?

 

Do you have a plan, or is it we'll see how it goes? Any strong convictions out there?

 

I come from an Asian family, so things are done differently. College is almost always paid for, at least in part. My extended family pools money to send our cousins and such to school; several of my siblings and I currently contribute to our baby sister's tuition costs, including grocery gift cards and the like.

 

Weddings are a crazy big deal, mostly for the parents and their friends (so naturally, the parents fund most of it!) We typically are gifted a fairly sizeable amount of cash, which is to be used as a Starter Fund for anything the couple needs or wants. Many of us put some towards the wedding/honeymoon; others pay down student loans, indulge in a new car, use it for the down payment on a house ... etc. It's the official cord-cutting ceremony ;) parents sending off the kid into the world (the kid who, until marriage, has most likely been living at home with them).

 

My family has no hang-ups about money. It's paper. I have absolutely no issue giving someone in my extended family cash for a home, or kids' activities (barring the random bad investment alcoholic cousin, or the like). My brother owns the home my kids' dad lives in, and he's living there alone and rent-free. Every season, twice a year, I pay for my three nephews to play baseball. My mother finances my daughter's performance classes. Our money is just all jumbled up together :D nobody really gives it a second thought.

 

My family wasn't wealthy, and I have several siblings - my parents saved, but they also benefitted from the generosity and pooled resources of their own extended families. Money wasn't wasted as an unmarried 20 or 25 year old living in an apartment; it was saved while living at home with the parents, and sunk isntead into the marital home. Investing in our siblings education brings even more resources to the family - we have lawyers, doctors, mechanics, teachers, and engineers who help us in our day to day. The few hundred I spend signing my nephews up for baseball might end up in a scholarship one day, or will net me a coach when I need someone to take over my (younger) kid's team.

 

There is very little debt in my family, and we've not been so negatively affected by the economy despite some significantly lengthy layoffs and maternity leaves. Nobody is taken for granted, and everyone takes a turn at each end (giving/receiving). I do know that it wouldn't work for many American families, where independence is more highly prized - at any cost (literally). I like to say that my family has perfected the art of functional dependency - our way works fabulously. For us.

[jld]

That's a beautiful system, eternalknot. Thanks for telling us about it.:)

[Rosy]

Well, my oldest is 9, so this is all conjecture. We plan to buy a 3rd car when the kids are driving that they'll have to share...or buy their own. We'll sell it when they're all out of the house. We want to pay for college, but we won't take out a loan for it. They can do that if they'd like. We'd also like to pay for the girls' weddings--we'll probably just pay for a simple wedding in our/their church, and they can do whatever upgrades they'd like (nicer facility, better catering, etc.).

 

As far as the grandkids...I can't see feeling financially responsible for them, but I'd like to be able to give them nice gifts and maybe help out with activities if needed. When we were young and broke, we were so grateful when our kids were given something we couldn't buy them.

 

Of course, this all depends on our own financial situation and our kids behavior and relationship with us.

[Lizzie in Ma]

The day my children were born, I stared into their beautiful faces and said, " I love you more than life itself, but you are on your own for college". :D

 

I worked my way through school as an older student. I knew I wanted to go and worked for 5 years at a grocery store saving up the money to go. I even graduated a year early from high school to work full time my senior year.

By doing so I worked hard and appreciated my opportunities. There was no spring break and partying in tropical locales, when there was a break, I came home and worked some more. I also had a work study job and a job at a gas station while I was in school. I was frugal with every dollar and worked hard in every class.

 

I saw so many kids right out of high school wasting their parents money. It was as if they could care less about what they were being given. They partied, skipped classes, did poorly and couldn't have cared less. It was an all expenses paid vacation until they figured out what they really wanted to do. It made me sick to my stomach. Still does.

 

Now I know my kids would never be disdainful of our help and I intend to help with books and a place to live while they are in college. But I do believe that it makes a difference if the responsibility for going and the ability to go is your own.

 

Just my own .02 and experience.

[2squared]

I just don't know what to think about college. If the costs keep going up, I just don't see how it would be a good investment for so many career fields. I can't see myself paying for a college experience if my kids plan a career making $30K/year. But, since my kids are still young, I have a lot of time to think on things.

 

We *should* have our house paid off by the time our oldest goes to college, so I hope we have some flexibility with our financial situation. I definitely want to pay for extras that dh & I missed by working our way through school. I would love to send my kids abroad for a semester, but we'll see if they are interested. I don't see myself paying "extra" for a degree, as in an expensive private college vs a state school for the same degree.

 

Weddings...they are probably on their own there too. We got married in the Virigin Islands since money was tight while dh was in law school. I paid for my own $175 wedding ring. And, the whole experience was much richer for us than a big wedding. However, if I want to attend dc's wedding and have some input into the wedding, I will probably have to contribute financially. We'll see how things go.

 

We'll have family cars for the kids. I will definitely need extra drivers as soon as they are old enough!

[Quickbeam]

We have the attitude of eternalknot, but we are American through and through, so we struggle to implement it, if that makes sense.

 

We sold our one car, bought a Dutch cargo bike, and deliberately do not drive. We own a small bicycle business and I don't know how it will grow as the babies (age 3 and age 9 months) get older. I'd like to help them as much as we can, but we also do not place as much emphasis on everyone going to college as most of our peers do. DH and I both have fancy undergrad degrees, and we both do meaningful work that we could do without having those degrees. On the other hand, we got great liberal educations and I loved my college experience. I came to this board because we are trying to do a Great Books program at home; why wait until college?

 

My niece is 19 and has zero direction, God love her. We invited her to live with us, and she knows I will always feed her. But she won't live here b/c she wants to party until all hours, which we won't allow. Sigh.

 

ETA: Houses- parents help with a down payment in every generation of our family anyone can remember. We will, too, if we can.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Quickbeam

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Car-do not owe them, they will buy it themselves, and pay for their own gas and insurance. Exceptions: willing to help out with insurance if working hard and going to school, currently doing this with oldest ds.

 

Wedding- gave my daughter the nicest wedding we could *afford.* It didn't break the bank and everyone was happy.

 

House- no way, unless they need help making a payment because of circumstances beyond their control.

 

College- depends on child and circumstances. We will never take out parent loans again. That limits things. We will help out with cash and other forms of support, but will not pay the bulk of college expenses. Four year college is not a given.

[Peela]

For us it will be worked out as we go- no strong convictions either way- lots of love and willingness to support them but no committment to supporting them through university regardness of circumstances. We wll see. If they are still living at home and continuing on their education (as opposed to leaving home and going to university a year or two later, after becoming independent) we will probably financially support them as much as possible. That may not, however, exend to student fees, depending on how well off we are at that time. If we are doing ok, I imagine dh wll want to support them, but we havent discussed it simply because its the sort of thing we would decide at the time. The kids dont really have expectations.

 

Dh will probably buy them both a car. He's just like that- he did for his oldest dd, my step dd.

 

Weddings...well, we are not especially wedding oriented around here. We dont groom our kids for getting married at all..that's up to them later, and we are not fussed either way. (Dh and I werent married when they were born- we finally decided to get married when they were 3 and 5 years old). I really doubt we would ever go for the whole $10,000 or $20000 wedding thing. For our own wedding it was just bring a plate, we will supply the alcohol and the wedding cake :) It was still a beautiful and meaningful ceremony for us...we didnt ask for gifts and we didnt want to make too much of a fuss. If our kdis got married, we would make a fuss, for sure, but I really doubt we would spend a lot of money on one.

[TravelingChris]

Both dh and I have advanced degrees and as long as we can, we will help the kids with college. One has a year or less left. He is currently living at home and we pay college, books and transportation though we expect him to work this summer and pay for books next year. If we have to move, we will help pay for a room and board but will expect him to borrow the rest. For our next, we have set it up that her college tuition is paid and if she decides to go to law school, we may help some. FOr our third, we think she may be able to get substantial scholarships (female in engineering), but we are preparing to help her significantly if needed. In terms of cars, our son isn't getting a car from us. Our older daughter may get a car from us if it turns out it is more economical that having her fly back and forth and also if transportation at her college is iffy. SHe has medical issues and needs to be able to get to specialist appointments. In that case, we will give her our 04 car and get a newer used car for me. I don't know yet what my last child will need.

 

Weddings- I will only help with Christian weddings. How much we help depends on what they want and what the situation is with my dh's job. I think of big weddings as primarily parties for the bride's parents and so it really depends what my dh's social obligations are at that point.

[bettyandbob]

I feel strongly about paying for college. I do not want my children getting trapped with debt. We have tuition covered for one child. We are working on saving for tuition for another child. The third child has disabilities and is unlikely to go to college.

 

Wedding. I'll give what I can, but not if it interferes with college payments.

 

Car. Again, I'll give what I can. This may be lumped in with education expenses. Some universities do not have enough housing with limited off campus transit. If one of my dc chooses to go to the local university and live at home they will need a car. I had a grant for grad school, but some the requirements for school required me to drive. My dad helped me purchase a 10 year vehicle that got me through grad school and first job. I did not get a car until absolutely necessary. I rode my bike to all my summer/weekend/vacation jobs. A car is a huge expense with gas/maintenance and insurance. If I had not needed for grad school I would have waited until I landed my first job.

 

My dad paid for all of my education. He had to work his way through school and was adamant that his children not do that. At the same time his direction really controlled what I studied and my choices. I never pursued the career I really wanted. I have children now and cannot just do what I want. I think this is probably one of my biggest regrets. So, I try not to be overbearing in my children's choices.

 

We do have a clear expectation that they will finish an undergraduate degree. And although we say we are going to help pay (tuition doesn't cover it all), we also have made it clear that they will work and will contribute. To that end 12 year has been a good worker and saver; she's had a pet sitting/dog walking business for a few years. 15 year old is hitting the pavement again today looking for a job. He already went to several places last week. I think work is very important for kids and teens. For some it provides an opportunity to explore careers. For most it shows them how limited opportunities are without some education and training.

[Mejane]

We don't believe in cutting our kids off financially when they turn some magical number like 21. We will help with college amap, and there is a certain amount we're willing to pay toward a wedding (anything more lavish than that, they're on their own!)

 

Since they both plan to be in the performing arts, we may be subsidizing starving artists for awhile. :glare:

[at the beach]

I come from an Asian family, so things are done differently. College is almost always paid for, at least in part. My extended family pools money to send our cousins and such to school; several of my siblings and I currently contribute to our baby sister's tuition costs, including grocery gift cards and the like.

 

Weddings are a crazy big deal, mostly for the parents and their friends (so naturally, the parents fund most of it!) We typically are gifted a fairly sizeable amount of cash, which is to be used as a Starter Fund for anything the couple needs or wants. Many of us put some towards the wedding/honeymoon; others pay down student loans, indulge in a new car, use it for the down payment on a house ... etc. It's the official cord-cutting ceremony ;) parents sending off the kid into the world (the kid who, until marriage, has most likely been living at home with them).

 

My family has no hang-ups about money. It's paper. I have absolutely no issue giving someone in my extended family cash for a home, or kids' activities (barring the random bad investment alcoholic cousin, or the like). My brother owns the home my kids' dad lives in, and he's living there alone and rent-free. Every season, twice a year, I pay for my three nephews to play baseball. My mother finances my daughter's performance classes. Our money is just all jumbled up together :D nobody really gives it a second thought.

 

My family wasn't wealthy, and I have several siblings - my parents saved, but they also benefitted from the generosity and pooled resources of their own extended families. Money wasn't wasted as an unmarried 20 or 25 year old living in an apartment; it was saved while living at home with the parents, and sunk isntead into the marital home. Investing in our siblings education brings even more resources to the family - we have lawyers, doctors, mechanics, teachers, and engineers who help us in our day to day. The few hundred I spend signing my nephews up for baseball might end up in a scholarship one day, or will net me a coach when I need someone to take over my (younger) kid's team.

 

There is very little debt in my family, and we've not been so negatively affected by the economy despite some significantly lengthy layoffs and maternity leaves. Nobody is taken for granted, and everyone takes a turn at each end (giving/receiving). I do know that it wouldn't work for many American families, where independence is more highly prized - at any cost (literally). I like to say that my family has perfected the art of functional dependency - our way works fabulously. For us.

 

What a wonderful thing. I am often astounded at the attitude of independence that exists in families I see. In my own immediate family (dh and kids), we would do anything for our children (obviously within reason) when it comes to doing things to help them in their lives. I feel like my kids are beginning to understand that it is important to share resources and make sacrifices for those you love.

 

I grew up in a family of European descent (first generation Americans) and I think my mom's family did things as you describe but when we kids came along, things changed. :confused: My extended family (aunts and grandparents) had the attitude that we kids needed to do for ourselves and they often complained that my parents paid for things like piano lessons for us even though we worked in the family business for many years as children. My parents did pay my college, for which I'm grateful. After that, it was more of a "you're on your own" for the most part.

 

My responsibility to my children is life-long. However, there's a fine balance. I don't think it would be responsible to drain my retirement account to pay for their college or take out a mortgage on my home because down the road that might be more hurtful to my kids than just having them take a few student loans. We put $ into our retirement and then we allocate a lot of the rest of our money to do things for our children whether it is helping to pay for college for our oldest or paying for extracurricular or educational opportunities for the younger two. We do not spend money on what I term nonsense--excess clothes, games, fancy haircuts, lavish birthday parties or excess holiday gifts or the like, nor would I financially support my kids in irresponsible choices. ETA: With a wedding, well, I will happily do a wedding but based on my resources right now, it'd have to be a thrifty wedding. We do provide a car or transportation so our college daughter can get to work when she's at home.

 

I try to instill in my kids that we are family and we are here to take care of and help each other. Forever.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Violet

[Cera]

We will pay for college. My husband is career military so the first 18 months of each child's tuition and room/board will be paid for through his transferred GI bill (at any state school or yellow ribbon school). Both kids are also smart enough that some merit aid may be possible.

 

We have been saving since the month I found out I was pregnant with each and are on track to have college covered by the time each hits 10 at which point we will continue saving for other future expenses (wedding, car, grad school, etc).

 

College is the only guarantee for each of them. We will also cover expenses and provide a living stipend so they don't have to work during the school year. We will purchase a car for each if there are available funds (which I expect there to be unless they choose one of the most expensive schools). We will also help with a wedding though not to a great extent. I cringe whenever I see mention of the cost of the average wedding as I see it as a huge waste.

[creekland]

What do you expect to provide your kids with after 18? Do you plan to pay all or part of college, or nothing?

 

We promised ours half their college expenses - half of what they actually need to pay after scholarships are taken out. We may do more, but if so, it will be later. When I went to school those that had their complete education paid for tended to be the ones that took their education less seriously. But, expecting them to pay for it all doesn't seem right to us either.

 

Do you feel you owe your children a wedding, or a car to start them off in life?

No and no. We might help with a wedding or honeymoon, but not if they want extravagant.

 

Do you plan to lend them money to buy a house, or pay for expenses for their children?

Absolutely maybe - pending circumstances. And they may not be loans, they might be gifts if we give them anything toward those.

 

Do you have a plan, or is it we'll see how it goes? Any strong convictions out there?

We have ideas, but we'll see how it all goes and modify accordingly. I won't bail out any of my boys (jail or chronic poor decisions), but I will help and assist if needed and we can afford it. We're family - and family takes care of each other. These past two years of poor economic issues with us (hubby's job + investment $$ took a huge dive), all three of our boys willingly GAVE us their saved $$ AND money they've been earning to keep us going at times. We kept track of the amount and hope to pay them back, but they aren't expecting it. I can't imagine doing any less for them when they might need something.

[Catherine]

My thoughts are a combination of hers, and of a very independent-minded American who paid for *everything* herself, education, wedding, cars, you name it. As a result, I felt free to move far from my childhood home. To be frank, my family could have helped more than they did. They certainly were not rich. But it was an unspoken rule that we were on our own.

 

We have money. We are not fabulously wealthy, but I tend to see money as "just paper". It's a means to an end, and I want to help my kids and my nephew (bonus child) in any way I can with it, as long as it seems sensible. If the kid is not focused yet, or behaving very responsibly, they probably are not ready for college\marriage\job. There are some extended family in that situation, and we would probably find a way to help if asked. And, we have been asked more than once. As long as my home and basic security is not threatened, I will help out anyone who asks.

 

Right now my junior has fallen for a school that is rather expensive, but IMO, is a really excellent school for the thing he is interested in. It's Harvey Mudd, and he's interested in math, computer science, and physics. So if he managed to get in there, a long shot, I would do whatever I could to make his dream come true, as long as he continued to work hard and study. We'd sell our house and move to a more modest one, even. It's just paper.

[LisaKinVA]

We do expect our children to help pay for their education by working and/or receiving scholarships. That said, they won't be able to do everything completely on their own.

 

When I was a teen, I didn't need a car. I got a job within walking distance from my home and I worked a lot. I put 1/2 of everything I made towards college savings. It was only 1/2, because I was also responsible for purchasing all of my own clothes, personal care items, even glasses. At 16yo, I got room and board, and that was it. (My parents lost everything when I was in the 8th grade... there was nothing)

 

I paid my own way to college, graduated in 3 years with a double major, and about $7000 in student loans.

 

As wonderful as that sounds to many, I'm not sure it's even feasible anymore -- and so much depends upon where we are living.

 

Currently, we live in an area without public transportation, and NOT bicycle-friendly, we will need at least one car for the children to use if we expect them to hold down a job.

 

I don't feel like I can expect the children to pay for their own college education by earning a paycheck, and not provide them with a means to get to that job. KWIM?

 

So, we're doing everything we can to start now. My dh is an academy grad -- we're hoping the two boys will follow in his footsteps. The girls, if they don't get into the local college, we are about an hour away from several good schools. We are planning for all of the children to take as many CLEP exams as possible (although the academies don't accept CLEP for credit), and hopefully save the girls a year at college.

 

And, while I *do* want my children to earn enough to pay for incidentals, pocket-money while they are gone, I do NOT want them to live my life. I will make sure my children have clothes, personal care items, books, a computer, etc. at school and at home. I didn't say they were going to be fancy... but they won't have to worry about the fact that it's winter time and they are from south Florida, attending school where it SNOWS, and they need things like coats, sweaters, and BOOTS.

 

Yes... living like that made me "tough." I got through it. But it is not a memory I enjoy re-living. I want better for my children. I don't want them to go into huge amounts of debt for college, and I will do everything I can to prevent that -- providing the best college-prep I can at home, and giving them solid guidance on how and why to choose a college, as well as helping them identify careers to which they are inclined and well-suited.

 

Weddings? I like the 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 I saw above... but I know how to pull off a great wedding cake, and know a few tricks of the trade when it comes to invitations, party favors... and skipping sit-down meals at banquet halls! :D

 

I do expect that one or more of the children will "come home" for awhile after college. We live in a high COL area... an apartment (even shared) would eat up a significant chunk of their take-home pay. At that point, I would expect a modest amount of rent, and for them to pay for everything they needed.

 

I don't believe in coddling children -- but I don't see how NOT helping when you can because the child has "reached adult-hood" is always a "good" thing.

 

In fact, I do now families who have been ripped apart by this kind of attitude, grown children who will have nothing to do with their parents, and don't want to expose their children to such "selfish" individuals. I also know a girl (very well), who was kicked out" because they graduated from college, but due to the economy has been unable to get any kind of job that would pay rent, food, etc. -- who has essentially become a prostitute to keep a roof over her head.

 

I guess I don't understand the "once you're 18 you're out" mentality. It's one thing if a child is making poor choices. But in my mind, family helps family...period.

[cathmom]

 

Do you plan to lend them money to buy a house, or pay for expenses for their children?

Um, no. Who does this? I can't even imagine....

 

 

 

You mean you've never heard of parents helping grown children buy a house?

[lllll]

...

Edited December 17, 2012 by ksva

[creekland]

I don't understand the "once you're 18 you're out" mentality. It's one thing if a child is making poor choices. But in my mind, family helps family...period.

 

:iagree: I can't imagine it any other way.

[Sherry in OH]

Weddings? I like the 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 I saw above...

 

I guess I don't understand the "once you're 18 you're out" mentality. It's one thing if a child is making poor choices. But in my mind, family helps family...period.

 

Regarding weddings ... what will you do if the other family does not agree? We will make a monetary gift to the couple. What they do with the money is their business. If the bride's parents insist on a lavish wedding, they should pay for it. If the prospective couple want a lavish wedding, ditto. We will encourage a small wedding or an elopement. My husband and I paid for our own wedding. I have seen no evidence that a fancy wedding is more successful than a modest one. Quite the contrary.

 

We also paid for our own educations. We do feel, however, that assisting our children in this area is our responsibility. A good education is never wasted. We set aside money each month to offset the prospective costs. We do not expect our children to be eligible for need-based aid. We are not counting on scholarships. We expect that our children will earn a bachelor's degree, learn a trade, or join the military. An education opens many doors for the child. A wedding is a one day event.

[cathmom]

I was being facetious. I do, of course, know that people do this.

 

Since I plan to provide a home for my adult children (if they require it), I see no reason to help them purchase one. And I certainly don't plan to pay for their expenses. Housing and food are generally the biggest line items in a personal budget, are they not? I will provide both -- happily -- while they are attending college, building their lives, etc., which means that they will be able to save money and, by extension, provide their own down payment, to say nothing of paying for the other expenses they may incur.

 

Like other posters in this thread, I came from a family that was done paying my way by the time I was eighteen. I paid for my own clothes and toiletries once I secured a PT job in high school. I paid for college through scholarships, aid, and several PT jobs. And I, too, graduated in three years. Although my husband's family did not require it, my husband paid for college in a similar way: PT work and loans. We married just after graduation.

 

I like the way I turned out, but looking back, I realize that I have never believed I could rely on my family -- At. All. -- if I were to experience a setback of any type. In fact, I know I could not rely on them. This is the sort of realization that can cause one deep anguish during a 3 a.m. reckoning of one's life, if you know what I mean, and I *never* want my own children to feel that profoundly painful sense of disconnection from their family.

 

Therefore, they have been raised knowing that wherever we, their parents, are, there will be room for them, food for them, a laundry facility, shoulders on which to rest their heads, open ears, and welcoming hearts...

 

But a closed wallet, checkbook, and Visa.

 

Thank you. I didn't get that you were being facetious. So if one of your grown children was married and had a family and wanted to buy a house, you wouldn't give them money towards a down payment?

[LibraryLover]

We hope to help our children in all ways, however we can. Our parents helped us, and we hope to do the same for our children. Dh's parents gave us the down payment to buy or first home, and it was the greatest belssing we could have imagined.

 

It's how it goes for us...when dh's father died a slow, agnozing death, he was with hs father along with the nurses etc., changing his diapers, lifting him into the bath etc. My father is currently very ill and we are there to make sure he gets to his doctors appointments, and get other needs met.

 

Dh and I know how fortunate we were and we have never taken advantage of our parents. I know families who send their children to excellent private schools or college, and the grandparents pay. This is a huge help. My oldest son's gf's grandparents are currently paying all of her college tution. The bills get sent to them, rather than the child or the parents. This child works like a dog and is planing medical school. She has a close relationship with her parents and grandparents and she knows how blessed she is currently, as she knows she will have to figure out medical school, so her grandparents can help the younger sibs and their tutions (they can't do grad and undergrad).

 

I know a lot of folks believe that young people who get a financial leg -up from family will become jet-setting losers who drink and squander, but that has not been my experience at all. I am sure some people, in any income bracket squander, and take advantage-- but getting financial help doesn't automatically mean you care less about your degree or your future. YK, as in: "I paid every dime of my education, and I appreciated it! I have a friend whose gradmother gave her a car and her parents paid all her college. She ended up being a drunk because everything came so easily. She ended up crashing her grandmother's car into a tree, whereas I still have my 1992 Tercel that I paid for myself. She's got 3 kids by 3 different fathers now". All because her family helped her get a car and an education, right? :D

Edited April 25, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Jane in NC]

We plan to help our children in all ways, however we can. Our parents helped us, and we hope to do the same for our children. Dh's parents gave us the down payment to buy or first home, and it was the greatest belssing we could have imagined.

 

It's how it goes for us...when dh's father died a slow agnozing death, he was with hs father along with the nurses etc., changing his diapers, lifting him into the bath etc. My father is currently very ill and we are there to make sure he gets to his doctors appointments, and gets other needs met.

 

My dh's parents paid for his education (he had a small loan for a particular program he did in graduate school) and my parents helped me all that they could, although did have some school loans that we paid off in a timly manner and was not a huge burden, although not simple. (My In laws had more money to spare as my dh is their youngest, and I am the oldest...my parents had greater expenses...lots of tuiton bills, lots of ballet classes etc).

 

We all contributed to our wedding, My inlaws gave quite a lot as they wanted to invite many people. My mother ended up having to pay less than she thought on the day of the wedding when the bills were settled, so she handed dh and I 3 thousands dollars as we boarded the plane to go to grad school on the oppostie coast. We were able to but a pretty decent used car with that money.

 

Dh and I know how fortunate we were and we have never taken advantage of our parents. I know families who send their children to excellent private schools or college, and the granparents pay. This is a huge help. My oldest son's gf's grandparents are currently paying all of her college tution. the bills get sent to them, rather than the child or the parents. This child works like a dog and is planing medical school. She has a close relationship with her parents and grandparents and she knows how blessed she is currently, as she knows she will have to figure out medical school, so her grandparents can help the younger sibs and their tutions (they can't do grad and undergrad).

 

I know a lot of folks beleive that young people who get a financial leg -up from family will become jet-setting losers who drink and squander, but that has not been my experience at all. I am sure some people-- in any income bracket squander and take advantage-- but getting financial help doesn't automatically mean you care less about your degree or your future. YK, as in: "I paid every dime and I appreciated it! I have a friend whose gradmother gave her a car and her parents paid all her college. She ended up being a drunk because everything came so easily. She ended up crashing her grandmother's car into a tree, whereas I still have my 1992 Tercel that I paid for myself. She's got 3 kids by 3 different fathers now". All because her family helped her get a car and an education, right? :D

 

You have summed up my take on this. As I see it, families help families--within reason as their means and hearts allow.

 

Not everyone does this the same way. My neighbor's parents and siblings serve as the family bank to each other. When a member of the family has needed to borrow money for education, a car, a down payment, someone steps forward with the cash which is paid back with interest. They see these investments as good ones for their family. Granted, not everyone is comfortable charging a family member interest, but it is one plan that works for them.

 

Another aspect of the financial equation with one's children is that of education. My parents were not particularly knowledgeable about the stock market. When I was faced with decisions on retirement accounts for the first time, I had no clue what an annuity was. I have tried to be a better guide for my son. Investing many of those cash gifts that he has been given through the years, as well as money earned in neighborhood jobs or part time work, has led to a handsome nest egg. The interest and dividends may not be sufficient for college pocket money, but will certainly be a component of his. Financial literacy is a great gift to give a kid. Perhaps some would be less dependent on parents down the road if they knew more about how to save and what to do with money once it is saved?

[Laura Corin]

What do you expect to provide your kids with after 18? Do you plan to pay all or part of college, or nothing? Do you feel you owe your children a wedding, or a car to start them off in life? Do you plan to lend them money to buy a house, or pay for expenses for their children?

 

Do you have a plan, or is it we'll see how it goes? Any strong convictions out there?

 

If the boys go to university here and the fees don't go up too much then they will be covered for fees and (simple) living. They will need to take jobs in the summer. They will also need to support themselves for post-graduate courses, if they choose to take them.

 

I hadn't thought about weddings - I suspect it depends on all our circumstances when that comes up. I have no expectation of supplying cars, houses, etc. We will pay for driving lessons, however.

 

Laura

[Ester Maria]

Our children have bank accounts opened at their names basically since birth. By the time they turn 18 they will have accumulated a little fortune there that should be enough for them to have money to start a business, to travel or for emergencies.

 

We do intend to pay for their university education, first (and second possibly) degree, but of course we expect them to get some aid if possible, and if they choose a really pricey university, they might have to add a bit of money.

We also intend to pay for their life expenses during that university education, such as housing, books, travel tickets, providing them with money for food and clothing as well as a little extra spending money, but all on a rather "basic" level - we will expect of them to use their own money for "extras" or, if they will have really impossible requests, to work. Basically we thought a system in which they wouldn't have to work during their university formation (an occasional job here and there maybe, but not fixed work with fixed working hours) in order to dedicate themselves fully to their studies.

 

Should they decide to postpone their studies (in case of, say, travel), we will probably partially finance that choice too (and partially they're to finance it).

 

Regarding cars, weddings, houses and alike... Grandmothers said weddings are on them :D, and I guess we will all help a little with cars, houses, perhaps even life expenses until they settle and become financially stable for themselves ("help" in sense of lend, rather than give if it's about big sums of money needed, if they will already have degrees and be working).

 

In any case, I don't intend to make their life harder than it should be to "teach them a lesson" and I want them to know they can count on us. On the other hand, it's the issue of overall upbringing that they will not take advantage of it more than necessary and that we split accounts at some stage. I do think parents should, as much as they can, financially and materially secure their kids - though, of course, we cannot live their lives, work for them and the line has to be drawn somewhere. I do think, however, that that line should be drawn after formal education rather than before.

[Laura Corin]

You mean you've never heard of parents helping grown children buy a house?

 

Laura

[Ester Maria]

My neighbor's parents and siblings serve as the family bank to each other. When a member of the family has needed to borrow money for education, a car, a down payment, someone steps forward with the cash which is paid back with interest. They see these investments as good ones for their family. Granted, not everyone is comfortable charging a family member interest, but it is one plan that works for them.

Wow. Just... wow.

Charging your own close family member interest is beyond my - oh and by the way, did I ever mention I come from a Jewish family of economists? ;) - comprehension. I have no problems with lending and borrowing withing family, or with "quid pro quo" system, but I find this a bit sad.

Whatever floats their boat though. :)

[stripe]

I've heard of parents helping their children buy a house. I have heard of grandparents and parents helping kids with various expenses. I've heard of relatives helping take care of young children, cooking meals together, and so on. I've also heard of people taking care of their parents when they are old. To me, this is normal, good, and not exploitative. I'm with Ester Maria on the interest. (And I've got a family member who loves to give out loans, with interest. I've declined her offers to give me one!)

 

The idea of pushing children out of the nest at 18 bears a bit too much resemblance to the animal kingdom for my tastes. When I was a child, I had a cat. The cat gave birth to kittens, one of whom went to live with my mom's friend. When they were reunited, my cat attacked her own child. She neither remembered nor cared to remember her own child. I don't want to live like that.

 

An overemphasis on "independence" gives me the willies.

 

LibraryLover and Jane in NC said it much more delicately than I, however.

Edited April 25, 2010 by stripe

[Jane in NC]

Wow. Just... wow.

Charging your own close family member interest is beyond my - oh and by the way, did I ever mention I come from a Jewish family of economists? ;) - comprehension. I have no problems with lending and borrowing withing family, or with "quid pro quo" system, but I find this a bit sad.

Whatever floats their boat though. :)

 

Not my speed either but I tossed this idea to the hard core Capitalists in our audience. ;)

 

I have found this thread to be interesting as we have been having discussions with some son regarding the expenses we expect him to cover next year in college. I was one of those kids who worked too many hours funding my college education. LisaK in VA expressed it well in her post:

 

Yes... living like that made me "tough." I got through it. But it is not a memory I enjoy re-living. I want better for my children.

 

My son is certainly capable of working in the summer if he is not off on an educational project. (Summer jobs are tough to find this year--no luck so far!) But I want him to be able to immerse himself in school, extra-curriculars, community service projects. His job for the next four years is to be a student. Nope, I'm not cutting him off financially.

 

Stripe wrote

An overemphasis on "independence" gives me the willies.

Did you ever see the documentary on hobos who rode the rails during the Depression? Many of the "hobos" were actually young teens who were pushed out of their homes by families who could not afford to feed them. Wish I could remember the name of this film...

 

ETA the documentary title: Riding the Rails--gotta love Google.

Edited April 25, 2010 by Jane in NC
Adding info that is completely off topic. Typical.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I must have grown up much less wealthy than most people on this board. My parents paying for college wasn't even an option. I KNEW not to even ask. DH and I married in a courthouse, no wedding. We couldn't afford a wedding.

 

My kids will have their college paid for ONLY IF THEY GO TO A STATE SCHOOL THAT IS IN OUR TOWN AND LIVE AT HOME. That's what we can afford.

 

We absolutely will NOT go into debt for their education, wedding or home. We have to focus on our retirement. I had to take out student loans. I guess they will, too if they don't get scholarships.

 

This attitude of "Well, just save some money!" seems very classist to me. Let's be honest here, it IS classist. Not everyone HAS that option.

 

I'm happy for those of you who can buy their kids cars, weddings, house down payments, and college educations (and INSIST that they live in the dorms-MORE EXPENSE!), but,....wow,....many people just CAN'T.

 

 

I have also seen many college kids who used their college experience to sow their wild oats.....on their parent's dime. Even if I could I would not fully finance a young adult's Spring Break, drunken sorority/frat party experience. Finding one's own way is NOT such a disservice. I noted the HUGE discrepancy between those who were paying their own way vs. those who were living on Mommy & Daddy's dime. HUGE DIFFERENCE. (I'm not talking specifically here about drinking and debauchery. I am speaking to the MANY, MANY class periods I endured that were full of:

 

"Is this gonna be on the test?"

 

"Why are you making that paper so long?"

 

"You aren't going to assign that over the break, are you?!"

 

And various other statements that were clearly intended to discern how little work could be done to get a decent grade, but to still allow enough time to "party". :glare:

 

I was paying my own way and didn't have TIME to party and it made me SO ANGRY that these losers were wanting the bare minimum of the ACADEMIC college experience so that they could experience more of the "PARTY college experience." :confused:

[Ferdie]

My dh told our children that we would pay for 2 years of a 4 year college. We would also pay for community school if they chose to go that route first.

[asta]

@ThatCyndiGirl --

 

Thank you for posting that. I was starting to feel like I lived in an alternative universe reading this thread. My college experience mirrored yours.

 

 

asta