How were you parented?

[OnTheBrink]

Were you raised in a spanking home? Non-spanking home? How has how you were parented affected how you parent today?

 

I'll go first. :D

 

My parents were very focused on their own pursuits and desires, so not a lot of attention was given to me as a child. I had all the material things a kid could want, but their attention, especially my mother's, was focused on other things. My dad did attend all the band concerts, dance recitals, school plays, etc., but my mother did not. Both my parents were only children and I think it was normal for them to be self-focused.

 

Both my parents were big believers in spankings. It was a form of control for them, not a method of discipline. My mother dished out the spankings until I got to be the same size as she (and could strike back, which I did, when she decided that punching me in the face was the appropriate response to not doing the dishes to her satisfaction), then she resorted to emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. She implemented hair brushes, coat hangers, tennis shoes for spankings, then public humiliation when I was older.

 

When I had my son, I was not a good parent. I imitated how I was parented, which was distressing to me because I KNEW it was wrong, but had no idea what to do instead. I even called CPS on myself once, because I knew I needed parenting help and had no idea where to find it. They referred me to some parenting classes and eventually, when I shared with church friends that I needed some parenting help, I learned better ways. Thankfully, my son has no recollection of my lousy parenting.

 

So, I parent radically different than my parents did. My dad realizes that spanking me was ineffective and wrong, and is not a proponent of it any longer. My mother is still just as abusive today as she was then. Actually, more so as she's gotten older. I no longer have a relationship with her. I am determined, through conscious effort and God's grace, to break the cycle of abuse she perpetuated.

[susankenny]

I'm 38. I was raised in a loving home, but it was non-christian and pretty mainstream. My parents yelled when they were angry & my sisters and I were spanked growing up. I am very close to my parents, and I have no issues toward the way I was raised. I know they did the best they could with us.

 

Today, I am a Christian. My husband is a pastor. Our faith is very important to us & central to everything we do. My husband and I strive to have a yell-free home. Although discipline is very important to us, we do not spank our children. My kids are almost 9 & 6 and they're lovely. :)

 

Susan

Edited February 16, 2010 by susankenny

[Remudamom]

My parents spanked and I think they did it well. Got more attention from mom than dad, he was an only child too, and I think he's self centered, although he is a loving dad in his own way. He's big on gift giving.

 

We spanked until they were older, now there just isn't a need. I think the spanking window is very small.

[MSNative]

Wow. Sounds like you had a rough childhood. I'm glad you are changing things for your family. :)

 

My parents are wonderful. They did spank and I deserved each spanking. They did have a rule - only 1 spank. That was for discipline. If you hit more than once, you're just trying to get out frustration. (not trying to offend others who don't believe that, just sharing my family's rule) I've used that rule with my own kids.

 

That said, my parents didn't spank that often. They earned our respect by being wise, kind, loving, giving, etc. They gave us freedom, spent time discussing all sorts of topics with us, challenged us intellectually. We wanted to have them approve of us and our choices so we were always pretty good.

 

Wish I knew exactly what they did. I try to parent the same way they did, but I do not do as well, darn it. Happily, I have loving, forgiving kids who overlook my parenting errors.

[Ellie]

It was a good home, non-Christian (although not anti-Christian), pretty mainstream. My grandparents believed in spanking, but I wasn't spanked after I was, oh, 3 or 4. My mother and stepfather also believed in spanking, but again, they didn't spank after any of us were over 4 or so.

 

I'm very thankful for my upbringing. :-)

[Carrie12345]

I've been told that I was spanked exactly once as a child. I don't remember it.

 

I considered my parents to be pretty strict. In hindsight, the rules weren't bad ones, but we were never given decent explanations, which I feel led me to rebel. Whether it was "Why can't I have a cookie?" or "Why can't I stay out until 9:30?", I was told "Because I said so."

 

I never felt that my parents believed I could exercise good judgment. I was told what to do, not taught how to make choices. So I often ignored them and learned through my own trial and error.

 

I'm not sure exactly where I am on the spectrum. Sometimes I'm accused (by other adults) of being too strict. Sometimes I'm accused of letting my kids walk all over me. Sometimes it's by the same people!

 

My kids can be rowdy and drive me nuts, but they are loving, caring, intelligent, intuitive little people who are (usually) very well-mannered in public. I'm happy with my results thus far. :)

[kamom]

My mom was the main disciplinarian in our home. She also praised us a lot and did spank us when we needed it. I can't remember any yelling at us,(nine of us) My dad would on occasion step in, he also made an effort to spend time with us.

 

My worst memories are of some of their quarrels, as they went through some rocky times in their relationship. I am so glad they stuck it out though.

I had a happy childhood and I felt loved. I think all of my siblings would say that.

[Joanne]

I just had to talk about this in the psych eval for the ever-ongoing custody battle.

 

My parents did the best they could. They were not intentional parents. By that I mean they didn't know a skill set was needed, and certainly didn't try to acquire one. They married, had kids, kids moved out, they retired. There was very little consciousness. There was some dysfunction (Mom got sober in '68 when my sisters were growing up, was depressed throughout the 70's when I was growing up. Dad had a gambling problem in the 80's.

 

They got me involved in church, but rarely attended themselves.:lol: I think they used that time for, um, marital fun. ;) No, really.

 

They didn't have an end in sight, didn't have a plan, didn't assist with homework, activities or many logistics of having kids. My mom seemed pretty "done" by the time I came around.

 

All that said, they taught me an incredible work ethic, peserverence, humor from my mom and loyalty from my Dad. My mom had a quirky but very firm faith that helped me over the years to never doubt there is a God. My Dad had a quiet love for people and loyalty that I would glimpse and cherish.

 

They turned out to be *excellent* parents of adult children. Supportive and helpful without being intrusive at all.

 

As far as discipline, I personally don't believe that spanking tells anything about the quality of discipline. Here's my article on is "Let's Not Talk About Spanking". My parents, if anything, were under responsive to our needs for discipline interspersed with ineffective punishment.

[Annie]

I was never spanked as a child. I believe my younger sister, who is much more "spirited" than I am, was spanked exactly once. My father spanked her after she hit my mother (she was very much old enough to know better).

 

I will not be a mother for a few more months, but our plan is not to spank.

[The Girls' Mom]

I grew up with a mother with mental issues. It was not pleasant, and yes it affected how I parent. I sometimes have to work hard to NOT say some of the things that were said to me. And yet, there is the other side that can't imagine treating my kids the way I was treated. I often use the way I was parented as a guideline on how to not parent your children. Thankfully, my dh was raised much differently than I and has helped me learn what a 'normal' family looks like.

 

ETA: I was rarely spanked. IMO there were worse things than spankings.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Apryl H

[Tabrett]

I was raised by my grandmother and my father. I was spanked, but only when I did something wrong. I was never abused-EVER. They always talked to be about what I did wrong before giving me a spanking. It was only 2-3 swats. It was done in love, not anger. I have no negative feeling about being spanked as a child. Actually, I am very thankful. There is a difference between being spanked and abused. I stopped being spanked around 10 years old. After that age, I was grounded or had privileges removed. I think it is silly to try to spank a child who is the size of an adult. I was never punched, slapped or had a belt used on me. Only a small switch on my legs or a hand to my bottom. I never had any marks or bruises. I do the same with my children. My oldest dc (15yrs) doesn't have any negative feeling about being spanked. We have a great relationship and she talks to me more than her friends talk to their mothers. She trust me and I make myself trustworthy.

[Tree House Academy]

I stayed with my grandparents a lot until I was about 10 (then my grandfather died and my grandmother had a stroke). They were kind and wonderful people who didn't really discipline me at all and let me run all over them. Fortunately, my parents made up for that lack of discipline with....

 

At home, my mom yelled all the time. When she wasn't yelling, she was either on the phone or wasn't home and I was raising myself. As I got older, my mom "spanked" by tearing up my homework that I had worked for hours writing or pulling my hair.

 

My dad (whom I didn't live with) added beatings with a belt to his yelling.

[kewb]

My parents had a theory. Spank them once for something they really deserve it for and they will always remember it. I was spanked for something my sister did and blamed on me. She took my mother's new lipstick and drew all over the walls with it and said I did it. I have always remembered it.

 

My mother was not a great mother. I realize now that she did the best she could with what she had but I was angry at her for a long time. She suffered from depression but no one ever got her any help. Only crazy people saw a shrink. She was emotionally not there for me. She taught me everything I never wanted to do with my own children.

 

My father was of the generation of men who went to work, put a roof over their families heads, and food on the table. His work was done.

 

With age has come the wisdom to understand my parents. I still don't like many of the things I experienced as a child but they really didn't know any better. One day my kids will grow up and talk about all the things I did wrong. I hope and pray that one day they too will gain the wisdom to see that I did the best I could with what I had.

[Aoife]

My parents were/are old hippies. :P They were not for spanking. My dad did have a temper though and tended to yell a lot in general but not until we were in our early teens. :lol:

 

Even though they were hippies they were pretty strict in certain ways like limiting our TV and video game use. The limiting was not done in a way though that caused resentment. Actually after learning to read very early I had very little interest in TV and would much rather spend my time lost in a good book. They also fostered a love of music and general creativity that has lasted a lifetime.

 

However they didn't give us the best financial sense and I am still working hard on correcting that :P

 

Now DH was a believer in spanking and used that with his girls for a total intimidation method but there is no way in heck I'd let that carry over to the boys being that I am firmly against it. I gave my arguments and such and heard him out on his side and after a while he finally came to the conclusion that his methods prior were probably not the best. We use timeout for our main method of punishment.

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, my parents divorced when I was six and prior to that then they had a couple of semi-physical fights (one where I was underneath both of them). Lots of tension prior to my mother leaving with us kids (we loved our dad deeply, but she was very manipulative about where he could live and did not let older brother go with him).

 

She was undiagnosed manic-depressive and was then encouraged by her therapist to leave husband and seek freedom (mid-seventies). She worked as a nurse's aide instead of taking care of kids and family. She had so many issues towards her perfectionist homemaking (yet also working) mother and had a vow to live life opposite that image.

 

I got slapped in the face twice by her; once due to me being late and once for not wearing my glasses and once by ny grandmother when I was a teen because I was not holding my crazy mother's hand or something (this was after a very traumatic kidnapping event where I had not eaten for 3 weeks and was finally let go back to my father to whome I had moved).

 

So, a few issues, I guess. My early teen years were marked by recovering from the insecurity I felt upoin the kidnapping by my mother and then from having to deal with her and her mental illness.

 

I was raised a-religiously, however in a country where Christian holidays are integrated so I knew pretty much basics or more about the Christian faith. I converted to Islam at age 15 and around that time also decided I wanted marriage and kids more than a career (even though I was top in school always).

 

I married early and wanted kids right away. Having my kids and being somewhat housewifely is a big part of how I feel safe and secure. I do treasure my space also, though, and scream/yell at my kids when I think they or I need screaming. I consciously let out all my feelings pretty much as I do *not* want to bottle things down and have a break-out as my bio-mother did. I grew up in a non-screaming home, though, and my mother was very laid back as long as it fitted into her schedule;I went places and did things that my kids will never be allowed to do. I parent very consciously and very openly and discuss things with them so they won't have too many surprises. They live a sheltered life, but I try to let them in on how I grew up and what happened around me.

 

I do spank my kids when I feel this is the way to go. When young I did it out of temper, but not anymore. I am cool and collected when I slap a hand etc., but try to give a time-out (even to my teens) if they talk badly or are disrespectful. I do this because I don't want them ending up delinquents....

 

My girls are rasied with the knowledge that they don't have my issues of a divorced home and a selfish/unsacrifical mother so I encourage them to want a career while also being capable mothers.

[TammyinTN]

I grew up in a home where my parents worked shift work. Maybe two weeks out of the month I slept in my bed at night. I was shuffled about. They spanked a lot when I was growing up. I remember being absolutely afraid of them. They definitely spanked out of anger.

 

I'm the opposite of them. I stayed home with our children, rarely were they away at night and not in their beds. I didn't spank past the age of 4 or 5. When I spanked it was for life threatening things ...running out into the street, sneaking out of the house.

[HRAAB]

My parents never spanked yet we knew they were to be obeyed. Having my dad disappointed in me was enough. I had a good home and good parents. They were there for us, my dad's number one priority was his family. It wasn't until I got out into the world that I realized how very fortunate I was.

[Hillary in KS]

I was raised in a liberal, atheistic home.

 

We were spanked (for defiance,not disobedience) until I was maybe 10, or so. I don't remember it happening very often, so it made a big impact when it happened.

 

They never spanked in anger. They never used items other than hands. They discussed it with us ahead of time, so we always knew *why* we were getting spanked.

 

All 4 of us are healthy, well-adjusted adults. We have loving relationships with our parents and our individual families. None of us grew up to be hitters or abusers. None of us have anger issues. (We're all very even-keeled and mild-mannered, actually.)

 

I had, on the whole, a very happy childhood, and would have no qualms living it over again. :)

[runamuk]

My parents were very different in the way they parented. My mom yelled, spanked, smacked, and verbally and emotionally abused us. I got the worst of it because I was the oldest and was supposed to "know better". There were good times - going to the zoo, going to the beach - but I soon learned these trips had a price, namely as leverage later on ("I took all of you to the zoo and you can't bother to do the dishes immediately after dinner?! See if I do anything for you ever again!") Nothing was ever good enough and she didn't know why she bothered with such ungrateful children. She seemed angry all the time and took it out on us.

 

My dad worked two jobs and wasn't around much. He was very laid back and his style of discipline was different from my mom's. He would take us aside to talk to us, explain why what we did was wrong and send us back to what we were doing. He expected we would listen to what he said and behave accordingly - and we did.

 

My parents split up when I was 12 and rarely saw my dad after that (my mom punished us by taking away visits with my dad - we always did something wrong just before he was scheduled to pick us up).

 

When my first child was born, I parented more like my mom - lots of yelling and I did spank. I knew I didn't want to be like my mom, I just didn't know how to change. I did a lot of reading and spent some time in counseling to change the way I interacted with our daughter. It took a long time and a lot of work, but I now parent more like my dad.

[G5052]

Mom has classic Narcissitic Personality Disorder, and I remain immensely thankful to the Christian friends who helped me work through that in my 20's so that I didn't have carry that in a major way into my marriage and child-rearing. My mother had to be the center of attention at all times, and we had to be the perfect family at all times. She dealt out verbal and physical abuse to whatever extent it took to keep her priorities in line. My dad was perpetually in the background suffering along with the children. So our family was very disfunctional, and sadly I have one sibling who remains enmeshed with Mom and distorted in their relationships with other people.

 

Our parenting is more based on my DH's upbringing with a lot of love and appropriate discipline depending on the age and personality of the child. As my DH always says, "You have to use the measure that will correct and teach that child in that particular situation at that particular time." Teaching a 2-year old not to touch something with a swat on the hand is very different than taking away computer time from a teen who can't remember to do his chores.

Edited February 16, 2010 by GVA

[PineFarmMom]

My parents spanked and I think they did it well. Got more attention from mom than dad, he was an only child too, and I think he's self centered, although he is a loving dad in his own way. He's big on gift giving.

 

We spanked until they were older, now there just isn't a need. I think the spanking window is very small.

 

That is a good summary of my childhood!! I only remember a handful of spankings, but I remember they were definitely warranted and had the disciplinary impact that was needed. They were done with love. I have no bad memories of spankings.

 

My father was an only child and was very selfish as well. Spanking or not spanking from him never had the negative impact that his, at times, emotional manipulations did. He was one who would threaten to ground you for a year, be very unkind, then give gifts and no apology to make up for his bad behavior. My mother often used tears as manipulation. She still does, at times, but I realize her heart is good and she doesn't do it on purpose. I've learned to have the grace for that stuff and realize they did the best they could and I had a pretty happy, peaceful childhood, in the whole scheme of things.

 

Our spanking window has been small as well. It doesn't really seem to happen after the age of 5 because it's just not needed. That's the experience I had as a child as well.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Texas T

[mrsrevmeg]

My mother was 16 and unmarried when I was born. We lived with my grandparents until she got married when I was 12. My grandparents were good people. Overworked, but loving. After she married my stepfather I was subjected to verbal abuse/manipulation, that sort of thing. My sister was born when I was 13 and I was expected to take care of her everyday after school/ band practice. Ii would walk in the door and she would be handed over to me. I did her feeding, bathing, diapering, everything. If I ever complained or wanted to go out with my friends I was met with "I used to have to take of you when I was in high school". Our house was always filthy. My mother would watch tv all day. Then complain about how tired she was all night. The times I tried to clean the place up she would complain that either I didn't put something back into the right place or I didn't do enough. I was spanked one time. At age 13 for rattling a peppermint wrapper in church. I kicked my mother in the chest (not my proudest achievement). My stepfather threatened to get his belt after me. I told if he did my grandfather and uncles would kill him before the police had a chance to take him in for child abuse. He apparently believed me and never once laid a hand on me. I learned a lot of how to be a good parent from my grandparents, and how NOT to parent from my mother. Unfortunately, my sister was not so lucky. She is 19, unmarried and living with her baby with my mother and stepfather.

[Impish]

I wasn't spanked. I was beaten.

 

Leather belts, 2x4s, hand saws across the back of bare legs, cane (Dad had knee surgery)...those are the ones that immediately come to mind. Dragged out of a sound sleep because I was being dragged out of bed by my hair. Punched, kicked, picked up by the throat...

 

Mom was much smaller in height, which explains why she wasn't as physically abusive I think. She broke a brush and wooden spoon on me though. Slapping. She was highly into the mind ****.

 

Funny...Diva and I were talking just yesterday. I was apologizing to her. I explained that I knew how to parent sons, since my parents were great to their boys (family of His, Hers, and Ours), but I was fumbling in the dark when it came to parenting a daughter. I don't ever want her feeling the way I do, a motherless daughter. Yes, my mother is still alive, but she's never been a 'mother' other than genetics.

 

Diva knows she's loved, so I've at least done that right. I'm so terrified about screwing her up, screwing up my relationship with her. That's what I told her. I love you, I adore you, and I'm trying so hard to be the mom you need...please forgive me for the times when I'm not. I'm trying, every day, but I know because I'm human, I'm going to mess up. Remember that I love you, and I'm really doing my best.

 

Parenting is hard. Harder still, I think, when the only blueprint you have is the cautionary tale.

 

*off to hug her kids*

[hillfarm]

My parents spanked, but after we were 5 or 6, they used other methods to discipline us. I have followed the same philosophy with my dd. At around the same age, she realized that I would never spank her hard enough to seriously hurt, so I had to come up with other discouragements such as loss of privileges. Actually though, I try to focus on the positive, having her earn positive things with good behavior rather than punishing by taking privileges away from her. But the bottom line is that she knows that there are boundaries and there will be serious consequences if those boundaries are ignored.

[swellmomma]

I don't remember much before age 9, but from that point on I was pretty much on my own. My parents both were working and went back to school. When they came home they did homework and us kids were pretty much on our own. We were given a lot materially, but not an emotional connection with my parents. They did come to school concerts and such, but otherwise were too focused on themselves to notice us.

 

We were spanked, but not often. My dad never said much at all, he still doesn't but he is getting better. My mom was and still is very verbally abusive and a yeller. It has caused a lot of damage in our relationship that will never be repaired, and she doesn't "get it" after I have called her out on it. She sees nothing wrong with the things she says to me.

 

I do parent differently, in that I am here for my kids, we do a lot as a family in the way of outtings, games, and just being together etc. I struggle with not letting the things my mother said to me for years to slip out when I am angry, and really struggle with my yelling. I do spank and regret it. I never did until my oldest was nearly 4, and in my desperation to solve the issues I was having with him, I allowed myself to be swayed into spanking them, and it has gone down hill since, and is the hardest part of my discipline arsenol to get rid of.

[Jenny in Atl]

None spanking, even not much yelling home. I was truly lucky to have the upbringing I did. My dh did not fair as well. They beat the crud out of him, but then he was big enough to hit back, so they stopped.

[Cammie]

I was pretty lucky. I grew up in a loving, supportive household. My dad was a minister and we always lived in a parsonage next to the church so he was always around. My mom stayed at home and worked at the church so she was always around too! As far as discipline...I was a good kid so not too many issues. I remember being caught skipping school at lunchtime to go out for pizza but I don't remember any punishment. I was like a previous poster - knowing I disappointed my father was punishment enough. I guess the worst thing was being talked to....endlessly! We had "fellowship opportunities" in our house - how I hated them! :lol: Now I am probably more like them than I know. I probably over talk my DD. I have never spanked and can't even imagine that process.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Cammie
spelling

[Cricket]

I think the biggest thing my parents did was always let us know how much we were loved and valued. We were spanked sometimes and at times with a belt (one I specifically remember was after my dad found out a friend and I were making fun of our Sunday School teacher during class). We weren't randomly smacked around and we weren't spanked daily and we always knew why we were in trouble. Communication was very open in our house. We knew we could talk to our parents about anything. We could hardly walk through a room without my dad telling us he loved us. Both my parents were very affectionate with us and invested in our lives. One thing my dad did was to apologize to us frequently. He made it well known that he was far from perfect and that he didn't want us to have any lingering resentment toward him or my mom. I think they did a great job. I'm trying to model what they did!

[Parrothead]

I think the spanking window is very small.

:iagree:Dd has been spanked less than a handful of times. She has been too big for it for a couple years.

 

 

 

My parents spanked. I can think of only a couple times it was deserved. Most of the time it wasn't. My mother was the main spanker. She spanked until my brother and I were in our teens. I think she finally stopped because my brother had gotten big enough to take her weapon away.

 

I think my dad only spanked us once. He has apologized for it.

 

My mom on the other hand does no wrong. It is her way or the highway. She has her memories of how things were and about 90% of the time she is the only one who remembers things that way.

 

I considered my parents to be pretty strict. In hindsight, the rules weren't bad ones, but we were never given decent explanations, which I feel led me to rebel. Whether it was "Why can't I have a cookie?" or "Why can't I stay out until 9:30?", I was told "Because I said so."

 

I never felt that my parents believed I could exercise good judgment. I was told what to do, not taught how to make choices. So I often ignored them and learned through my own trial and error.

 

:iagree: And unfortunately the desperation to get out from under her (yes, it was mainly my mother.) influence lead to some serious mistakes.

 

Even to this day my mom thinks I parent dd badly.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Parrothead

[gingersmom]

I grew up in a 2 parent home. My dad left for work around 7 and got home at 6.

 

My mother yelled from the moment we awoke till we went to sleep. In between yelling she watched soap operas, drank coffee, shopped (alot!) and smoked.

 

There was no spanking in my house although I do remember being threatened.

 

On the outside we looked like a normal, upper middle class family.

 

No one knew my mother was in a constant uproar and that my father was having an affair.

 

I always knew when I had kids that things would be 10000% different than how I was raised.

[Joanne]

Wow. {{{many hugs}}} for all the pain represented in this thread. :grouphug:

[Rosy]

I had two wildly different upbringings--one before my dad died and one after.

 

Before my dad died, my mom was at home with my sister and I. She volunteered at our school and at our church, she was there every day when we got home from school and in the evening. Spankings happened, but only out of serious frustration and after prolonged yelling and threats. She did get a job as a teacher's aide at my school a couple months before my dad died, but her day ended when ours did.

 

After my dad died (when I was 9/4th grade), she had to work full-time and chose to finish her education. She went to school part-time in the evenings for a few years and then quit working to go full-time. We lived off of Social Security survivor benefits. My mom also dated during this time (she waited until a couple years after my dad was gone). Understandable, all of it, but her parenting became much less intentional during this time. I think the trauma of losing her husband caused her to push her emotional well-being up to the top of her priorities list, and it just sort of stayed there. Or maybe she was always like that but we had my dad as a buffer before. Anyway, she threatened a lot but didn't follow through, would go on yelling tirades--infrequently, but they would last for what felt like hours, she was critical and picky about my performance in school (chewing me out for 1 missed assignment when I was getting a solid A in the class), forgot to pick us up after activities, etc. Unfortunately, she's still like that with my teenage siblings 20 years later. She was younger than I was when she lost my dad and I'm not sure I'd do any better than she did, but it still made for some rough years.

 

Anyway, I find myself doing some of what she did and trying desperately not to--snapping and yelling when we're in a hurry or unprepared for something, shifting responsibility to my oldest daughter when I can't handle something, etc. But for the most part DH and I have been pretty intentional about how we've raised our kids. Our spanking window was small, now we've mostly shifted to natural and/or logical consequences. We yell more than we'd like to, but we do apologize to our kids when necessary. I would love to be a better parent than I am. Fortunately, by God's grace I have been able to do many of the things I have wanted to in my parenting, and my kids are terrific kids and manage to learn what we want them to know despite our mistakes.

[Splungeman]

I was a child of divorce...more than one.

 

When I was 4, my parents divorced. After that, I went through several stages of this parent or that parent, as both my mother and father remarried.

 

I lived mostly with my mom, who did spank, though rarely. My first stepfather was kind of a Jekyll and Hyde. I have a lot of good memories of him and a lot of bad. He ended up cheating on my mom and they divorced. My mom was not a very strict parent. She believed in letting me make mistakes and learning from them. When I was in high school, she didn't mind if I stayed out late with my friends, just as long as I called her and let her know where I was. "So I'll know where to tell them to search for your body if you don't come home," she would joke. Luckily, I was a well-behaved, nerdy sort of kid who didn't drink or smoke, and who hung out with other nerdy kids, so I gave her every reason to trust me. She wasn't an educational taskmaster. Her Dad used to spank her if she didn't get straight A report cards, so I guess that's why she didn't mind if I got all Cs or even failed a course. I failed one course in High School and i remember being terrified. She looked at the report card, then back at me. Then she hugged me and told me she wasn't mad, that she'd help me with math and it would be okay. She then offered to make me whatever I wanted for supper. I love my mom. :)

 

I spent summers and Christmas with my Dad. My Dad is a marine biologist from an old money family in Savannah, Georgia. So he definitely picked up some of that strange, southern aloofness. This was mixed with an eccentricity difficult to define. I'll just say that he could have been a southern gentleman who hobnobbed with the upper crust, but opted instead for the study of microscopic crustaceans in another state. He was (and still is) a doting father, though. He knew what he was supposed to do because he liked to study parenting books and how best to nurture a child's brain. To this day he is still trying to get me to listen to vocabulary tapes. :) When I was still believing in Santa Claus, he was the best Santa. He'd go all out for Christmas. Strange for a man who is an atheist. Though he never used that word, I kind of figured it out. He got remarried when I was young and that's where my first half sister came from. That stepmother was a sort of manners disciplinarian. She didn't spank, but she would let you go without dinner if you let the fork clank against your teeth. She and my Dad ended up divorcing after a few years. He ended up getting married again a few years back and even having another child. My second half sister who is younger than my son!

 

Meanwhile my mom ended up with the man who to this day I call my stepfather, though they are not married. Both he and my mom had been married more than once and had grown weary of making promises in front of an altar that they weren't sure they would end up keeping. I think he's perhaps the closest I've come to having a "normal" father figure. He is a soft-spoken, intelligent carpenter who taught me a lot about how to deal with life's slings and arrows.

 

So...yeah...that was LONG! Oh well...it was fun. I've never really written all that down before. :D

[Lolly]

Grew up in a traditional family. They spanked. I don't remember ever being spanked, though I'm sure it happened when I was younger. I do remember my brothers and sister being spanked. I was the good child :lol:. It was through about aged 10. Dh's family was the same. I have used about the same guidelines with my own kids. All 8 of us are well adjusted adults with no major problems.:D

[LibraryLover]

My parents were-crazy young when they got married and they were in no way ready.

 

I do know that they did the best they could manage. There were always fun times for us, and loving grandparents. My dad loved history and Broadway musicals. He taught us a lot about history, and he sang to us all of the time. My mother was very conscientious & joyful about reading to us and taking us to the library. They did their very best, and I always knew that, even when they seemed to struggle.

Edited February 17, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Corraleno]

You know how sometimes you see a family where one kid seems to have been singled out for all the abuse and punishment, for no apparent reason? Well, I was that kid.

 

I was hit with boards, switches, hairbrushes, spatulas, belts, anything my mother could grab. One day when I was 8, she beat the living crap out of me with a metal spatula, including chasing me all over the yard when I ran outside trying to escape her wrath. I was covered with welts and bruises and dirt, my clothes were torn, and I ran screaming across the street to my grandfather's house. My grandfather was a tough old Irish alcoholic, but when he saw me he sobbed. Of course, no one did anything about it.

 

I was hit in the face almost daily, and there were many times when I thought the only thing that kept her from killing me was that I get nosebleeds easily, and she would stop hitting when my face and shirt were covered in blood.

 

When she wasn't beating the crap out of me, she was telling me I had ruined her life, that she couldn't imagine what she'd ever done that was so bad God would punish her with me, that it was her burden in life to save me from ruin. You'd think I was a terror, lying and stealing and doing horrible things, wouldn't you? Actually, I was an A student, in gifted classes, and very well-behaved according to all the relatives who knew me as a kid. My mother was one of those parents who thinks asking "why" is a challenge to her authority and must be punished. My crime, the reason I "deserved" all the beatings and abuse, was because I would occasionally dare to ask why we were being forced to do something, or forbidden from doing something else. "Because I'm your mother and I said so, how dare you question me??!!!!!" was the only answer I ever got ~ followed by a beating.

 

I left home at 18 and never went back.

 

When I had kids of my own, I decided I would be the exact opposite of my mother. I always give my kids the reason for my decisions, I tell them 20 times a day how much I love them and how lucky I feel to be their mom, I hug and kiss and cuddle them all the time. I have never hit them. My kids are happy and loving and secure ~ and better behaved than any of their cousins, who are spanked and whose parents expect unquestioning obedience, like my mother did. Funny how that worked out.

 

Jackie

[Irene Lynn]

Recently, I have come to the conclusion that my father most likely has Asperger's Syndrome. That explains a lot of my childhood right there. My mother was pretty manipulative. She married my father at age 18 and really didn't have a clue of so many things. They are intelligent people, who thought that children came as empty slates and that it was their job to form the child into what it should be, just like them.

 

They spanked. It was always controlled, though often angry, but still done in "order". It was usually preceeded by a looong speech that was designed to get me to totally agree with them. It was never effective. I learned early on to go into the zone and to keep my face perfectly straight. Any expression would just fuel the speech. Then I was spanked. In the early years they used a belt. We (I have one older sister.) called the results, cat whiskers. In later years they used a thin, sanded ping pong paddle. I don't know how many whacks were normal, but I know that when I spanked our dd years later, I felt the 1-2 spanks was what seemed appropriate (on rare occassions for direct disobedience and not after a certain age. She does not feel that we were too harsh with her.) and that I knew I had always received many more that that. As I my daughter grew and I had experience parenting I understood my parents far less and it had never been good. I don'd know how they parented the way they did. In some ways I do, because they really didn't have a clue. My mom still thinks they did a pretty good job. And some of the moments that she thought were effective, you would find unbelievable, if I were to tell what happened. They spanked me (and often for being a child rather than disobedience and then created so many rules that no one could possibly keep them all.) until I was 15. At age 14 I was spanked almost every Saturday for chewing my nails. We had Saturday review of my nails, then I would either pass inspection or get spanked. At least by that time, I didn't have to remove any clothing. They added a whack each week that I didn't "pass". They finally decided to stop when they reached 20, because they were not sure where the line of abuse was. Seriously. Of course they still did the 20, but then decided that this approach to getting me to stop chewing my nails was not going to work. DUH! Do you think??

 

It was all done in the name of God. I do believe in God, but I would never go to their church. God is not affected by their example; He just IS. That does not mean that I have not had my stuggles. I have.

 

Otherwise, our relationship just existed. I thought I could turn to my mother until I got older and then I realized how manipulative she was. She needed us to need her, so she helped create the atmosphere in our house. I did not feel loved, just fed and clothed and required to behave. I was expected to do well in school, but my questions were not taken seriously. They DID set a good example of being wise with little money and of being faithful to commitments. We were quite poor, but did not have a house payment. (inheritence paid for a modest house.) In fact, after we moved to the house they never had a payment other than the regular monthly bills. They did not use credit AT ALL. Sooo, I did not get to do much of anything or go anywhere. They could not ground me, because there was really nothing to take away. I did not invite friends over, because I did not want them to see how I was treated.

 

As far as my own parenting? My goal was always to get to know my own child to the best of my ability and to encourage their uniqueness to grow. I do want them to learn to trust me and then learn to obey. I know how important trust is to that process. I wanted to give them tastes of all the love languages. I desire that they learn to have self discipline and grow in wisdom. I never raised my voice at our dd. She would have been crushed. I have raised my voice to my ds, though my emotions are about the same. He is just so loud that he can't hear me. LOL He is NOT crushed, believe me. :) He needs a different approach from his sister in a number of ways, and more patience, but he reminds me of myself in many ways, so it isn't as hard to be patient. The best compliment that my dh has ever given me is that I am not like my parents at all. Oh, you can find a few common traits, but our approach to life is different. I spent my childhood doing my best to figure things out and observe and learn as much as I could from it all. If I had turned out to do the same things, I think I would have become VERY depressed. I thought that at least something "good" could come from my experience. It has. I have two great kids. I have a great relationship with dd and we'll just have to wait many years before I can make any claims about our son, but I have much hope.

[MistyJ]

Oh, what a question.

 

My mother was alcoholic and was/is histrionic. She was very emotionally and physically abusive. The house was filthy, and none of my basic needs were considered, such as clean clothes, enough clothes, balanced meals, friends.(What really stinks is that she has a fantasy about what a great mother she was.) I thought it was the alcohol, but she quite drinking in the '80's and she's still monstrous.

 

I moved in with my dad when I was 14, where I had peace and a great deal of love, but he worked 6 days a week, and I was his fourth and later-life child, so he was much too permissive. That caused other problems, as you can imagine.

 

Learning what a s#*t mother I had (forgive me, no other word suffices) is an ongoing process. At each stage of my children's lives, I realize how absent/inadequate she was. And is.

 

As for me and my parenting? I yell waaay too much, but homeschooling the last 3 years, and God's grace, has taught me so much patience. I'm a bit neurotic about the house....I have an insatiable need for everything to be perfect and clean and beautiful and comfortable.

 

I try not too spank, but have given in to frustration at times. I do always put the children first...as far as time, cooking, schooling, etc. I have a tempation to being a martyr, which I have to keep in check. My mother was hysterically strict, and always using fear to control me. (Fear of strangers, of drugs, of boys, who will only want sex, etc.) My husband and I are strict with video games and computer, and my 13-year-old son is MUCH less worldly wise than I was at the same age. I have no intention of exposing my kids to what I experienced in the teen years due to too much freedom.

 

I have to surrender to God the mistakes I make and the blindspots I have. He took care of me in the end, and I have to give my children and their woundedness to Him in prayer. It would be pride to believe I can do it perfectly.

[dirty ethel rackham]

As a child (5th out of 6 kids) I knew that I had to be good, or else. Being good meant getting perfect grades, never making a mess, always doing chores correctly without being taught how, always anticipating the next flare up. My mom had red hair and all the neighbors used to joke that she had a temper to match. Mom yelled ... a lot. I was a bedwetter and was punished for it. She resorted to public humiliation because that is what the doctor told her. I was spanked regularly (probably at least 4 - 5 times a week) and I always felt it was unfair. The punishments never fit the crime, but the level of my mom's explosive temper. I am sure mom was very loving with the babies (judging from the pictures), but once they could start asserting themselves, they were trouble, in her mind. My dad - I remember him as a distant, somewhat harsh man, but he was very involved with my brothers (they were the oldest.) He coached their baseball and basketball teams. Most of my memories of him are from a distance ... across a basketball court or baseball field. I only have 3 memories of directly interacting with him before I entered high school.

The first one was when I was 4 - he took a hammer out of my hand when we were building an addition on to our little home. It was my first lesson from him on how incompetent I was. My second memory was getting whipped with a belt - I don't remember the crime, but I remember sitting in my room all afternoon waiting for the dreaded punishment. And the third was a grilling at the kitchen table over why I didn't get an A in science (I flunked the unit on electricity because I was out sick for part of it.) The main, overriding theme of my childhood was never being good enough, no matter how hard I tried - and I tried HARD. When I reached high school, he came down hard - expecting me to be a rebel like my older sister. I resented that he did not try to get to know me and realize that I really wanted to please him.

 

Looking back, I realized that my parents were overwhelmed ... they have their first 4 kids in under 6 years and then a 6 year gap before I came along. My oldest brother was born when Dad was in Korea. By the time I came along, they were busy, busy, busy with these kids. By the time I entered school, my siblings were in high school and my parents were dealing with life-and-death issues like drinking and driving and resisting the sexual revolution, despite our Catholic upbringing.

 

My parents did give me a good education, some warm memories of growing up in a big family and a strong desire to not settle for mediocrity.

 

Before I had children, I made up my mind to be a different parent. Everything I read about attachment parenting resonated with me. I didn't want to be an accidental parent, but a committed, intentional parent. I don't feel that attachment parenting is the only way to parent, but it is the only way I could parent. I believe my kids want to be good and ant to do the right thing and, when they don't make it, I look for the underlying "why", not just punish to get the desired result. I believe in lots of love, lots of understanding and boundaries. In many ways, my parenting was a reaction to the way I was parented, but it is also intentional on finding a "better" way.

[WishboneDawn]

I was spanked occasionally by a good and caring Dad. I don't think it did any harm. I don't think it did any good either. When I think back to the things that influenced me and made a difference in how I behaved, spanking never seems to have been an issue.

[newbie]

It was not pretty. Lets just say I do the exact opposite now, so I think that is a good thing. I can say I learned from their mistakes. They wrote the book on What not to do!!!

[Ginevra]

I do believe my parents did what they thought was right and/or what they were capable of, but I don't emulate their parenting much. They are and were devout Christians. They were at least somewhat in the Bill Gothard school of thought.

 

My dad was very uninvolved. He worked all day and, once home, he either vegged in front of the TV or went to his room to study the Bible. Both my parents were philosophically spankers, but I don't think my dad ever carried one out. My mother spanked with paddles and spoons; weapons, IMO. I was rarely spanked because I was a very tender child and avoided punishment.

 

Once we were older (pre-teen/teens), my parents were both very uninvolved. They were "strict" in some respects, i.e, they were categorically against us going to concerts or parties. But in other respects, they had their heads in the sand. They didn't watch over the ways of the household. My parents completely lacked guidance. They never discussed with me what classes to take, never over-saw my schoolwork, never talked about buying a car, choosing a boy, difficulties with friends or goals in life. To me, this was much more harmful than any atrocious spankings I ever received. They pretty much left us to flounder around figuring things out for ourselves.

 

I think it's essential to guide children from when they are small on up through adulthood. I don't care if my kids think I'm a nag. Better that than give them the impression I couldn't care less. I believe my parents love me, but their apathy towards guiding me and my siblings was a glaring error.

[kmacnchs]

My dad never spanked b/c he was abused and he knew he would do so if he spanked even once. So he yelled...and berated...and threw things...so much for not abusing.

 

My mother spanked and then talked us to death (sounds like me:glare:)

 

We went to church (a church that told stories and sang hymns but never opened a Bible) but never read our Bibles as a family, prayed as a family (except the same prayer at meals), etc. so I would say even though my parents would say we were raised in a Christian home, I would not say so.

 

I never wanted to spank for the same reason my dad didn't (anger issues, being abused growing up, etc.) but my dh was for spanking. I was torn but then I spent A LOT of time in a friends' home with littles and was able to see first hand how biblical discipline could happen with spanking, teaching, praying, hugging, all that. So, now we spank and the Lord is dealing and healing my anger issues. I do not spank out of anger and I tell myself all day (and pray all day) "a gentle answer turns away (my own) wrath" "calm and gentle spirit" "sweet speech" "show loving kindness", etc. Tone is my biggest issue right now...

 

It has gotten better each generation and I hope it continues to get better. Maybe mine will be perfect parents;)

[Liz CA]

I grew up in a home where spanking for certain offenses was common.

 

DH and I have kept spanking to violation of a severe nature (running into the street in traffic repeatedly, etc) and only between the ages of 3 to 5. Rolled up paper on the bottom, nowhere else.

I truly think that that the anticipation of a spanking was more frightening to my son at that age than the actual spanking itself since I can hardly smash a fly.

 

There were many other forms of discipline that hit him much harder and had the desired effect.

[mcconnellboys]

Wow, I'm so sorry! I'm glad that you have gotten to a better place with most of your relations. I'm old, so my perspective is perhaps a lot different than that of younger people who were raised in a very different sort of cultural environment.

 

I was spanked and did spank my children when they were younger. I think people come from such vastly different backgrounds that using the term "spanking" may be hugely ambiguous. I think a lot of people believe that spankings are more like beatings (such as you detail with your later punishments) and that parents who spank are whaling the tar out of their children all the time, along with other sorts of torture. Perhaps some parents are stronger than they think and accidentally (or purposefully) strike their children hard enough to really hurt them.

 

While my parents were not really involved with us emotionally at all, as you mention, they were not only- children and our backgrounds differ significantly in other ways, too, that I won't get into just for brevity's sake. They spanked to try to get our attention and get us to redirect when we were being naughty (or when they thought we were being naughty).

 

Those really stopped by the time we were reaching puberty (about 11, I guess). They didn't really hurt. We didn't generally cry, unless we were just mad about getting spanked.

 

They were raised getting spankings and at the time that was the norm for meting out punishment to naughty children. They weren't doing anything really outside the norm. We didn't feel abused. We didn't hate them because they spanked us. As I said, sometimes my sister would make something up that I didn't do to get me in trouble, and if I got a spanking for that, then I was mad at everyone. But I certainly got over it. I never held a grudge. I would continue to tell my parents later on that they had spanked me for no good reason, LOL, and I believe that they tried to correct to make sure that didn't happen again.

 

Likewise, I have spanked my children from time to time. They don't get spanked every day, week, or month of the year. They really don't get spanked now, at all, as they're both getting too old for that and we've just moved toward grounding them for life, withholding the mullah that will buy them what they most desire in life, making them mop the kitchen floor (which might qualify as abuse, I don't know), etc.

 

I don't think they are maimed. They only have ever cried over getting a spanking before they are struck (at the thought or indignation). Once they have been spanked, they generally say, "Oh, that didn't even hurt", or just laugh at me outright, sigh. I have no strength in my upper body and never have, so "spanking" was never anything but an attention getter to get them to stop, think, and regroup. And yes, I always used time outs, loss of privileges, etc., too. Spanking was never a sole option or a constant daily/weekly thing in our home.

 

So I think the term "spanking" can mean a lot of different things to different people. Giving a young child a swat occasionally is a much different thing than hitting a teen in the face with a fist, or even than hitting a chid on the backside with something large and heavy, done by a person with a strong arm (who is using that strength).

 

I guess the most stringent paddlings I can recall are when the principal of our high school would paddle teen boys who were transgressing in some severe way. They generally would only get about 3-6 swats out in public in the hall (so no one could say anything untoward took place), but boy were those paddles big and heavy. And it looked like they hurt, even though the boys generally did not cry (but they generally were rubbing their backsides as they walked away). The girls generally were able to stay out of the sorts of trouble that would have resulted in a paddling of that sort. Of course, I'm old, and the world has changed. Given what I see in most high schools today, I'm not entirely sure that such paddlings wouldn't still be beneficial.

 

I parent radically differently than my parents, too. But that's not so much about spanking or not as it is about being completely immersed in my children's lives emotionally, physically, mentally. Talking to them about everything, constantly, from the time they were in utero until today makes for a totally different sort of attachment than that I had with my parents, who were physically present, but pretty much completely unattached otherwise to my sister and I. My sister feels the same way....

[Ester Maria]

I was raised in an Italian Jewish home, though we were (the immediate family, i.e. mom, dad and me) completely secular. Also, and quite untypical in the context of our extended family, I was an only child; however, our living situation was such that we were (sometimes literally :D) next door to most of my dad's family (and his three brothers with their families and kids that we were very connected with) so it didn't really feel as being an only child. I remember spending a LOT of time as a child by uncles, aunts and cousins (and various family friends with kids who were our age that we were friends with). As we got older it sort of dissolved, we all went into different schools and different directions in life, but when we were elementary school, even middle school to an extent, it really felt like one big family.

 

The good things from my childhood greatly outnumber the bad ones, though looking back, there were things that I don't think were quite okay. On the whole though my parents were excellent parents, I was a really lucky child.

 

Above all, my parents valued two things - education and money (I know, it sounds like the Jewish stereotypes :D, but it was really like that in our home). It was of vital importance for them that I receive the best education possible and that I'm materially taken care of, and they thought those were essentially the only real "obligations" they had towards me. I didn't see my father a lot, and when I saw him, it was either announced (he couldn't be disturbed in his study or work, and was often away), either in some kind of "formal" context (when we went to the opera as a family, or something like that). I don't remember much spontaneous quality time spent with him because he was always busy, but he used to make up for that from time to time and those afternoons spent wandering Roman bookstores with him or something of the kind I really treasure as nice memories.

 

My mother on the other hand was there more, but again not really involved with my school or interests. None of my parents were involved actually, they just supported financially what I asked and wanted to see the results in all areas of life. I did talk to my mother a lot though. She was a different temper than my father, more hot-tempered, and could raise her voice, though that happened very rarely.

 

I was never hit by anyone in the family as a child (unless you count a slap I was given in once as a teen when I was fainting, but that wasn't a punishment, rather, it was an instinct reaction). I wasn't really yelled at either, or punished in any special ways. Maybe I was just an extraordinarily good child, but I don't remember it being in the air with other kids in the extended family either. It was just not done, it wasn't a part of the culture.

 

On the other hand, there was very little praise in the air too. Everything was "assumed" - good grades included - and we were not directly praised most of the time. Sometimes it felt like a lack of recognition, even though we knew they knew we were good.

Another "assumed" thing was responsibility and independence. Since we were very young we were raised to understand we have to be as much independent as we can be, in all aspects of life, and try not to be burden to anyone, included our parents (it was never worded that way, of course, but the message was very clear).

 

I try to do it similarly with my kids, though I will praise them more often and be involved (since I school them, obviously).

I rarely raised my voice. I avoid punishing at all costs (and I'm actually likely to just go over something bad they did, without administering any punishment to make up for it, if it's also clear to them it was wrong... I try not to dwell over the negative stuff). As far as hitting is concerned, I cannot fathom the idea of deliberately causing physical pain to my children in order to "make my point".

[Joy at Home]

My mom came from an alcoholic and very abusive household, and continued the cycle of abuse with me (she did not drink, though). She did better than her mother, but that's not saying much. My dad was too busy having affairs to notice or care.

 

I went to counseling for years after I married and before we had kids to work through many issues and break the cycle. I do not hit my children at all. I am very comfortable with our ways of discipline, which include lots of love, positive reinforcement, and mutual respect.

 

Nothing has healed my soul more than being a good mother to my girls.

 

Blessings,

Lisa

[Sweetpeach]

Nothing has healed my soul more than being a good mother to my girls.

 

This is a precious quote and I couldn't agree more.

 

I was raised by a broken, bruised, emotionally reclusive single mother with, as Joanne said earlier in this thread [and a term I haven't grappled with before], little consciousness of parenting and family life. Survival was at the top of her priority list; we all survived and I finished up my childhood with no deep and enduring traumatic moments . . . just the dull ache of raising myself.

 

Am I doing things differently? Definitely.

Is my parenting a work in progress? Absolutely.

 

I love this journey of figuring out the best way to plug in with my kids. Somehow, it redeems my lonely childhood.

 

Warmly, T

[SnowWhite]

I am in awe of my parents for the job they did parenting... even homeschooling all four of us from the time I was a 9th grader. At the time I had no idea how hard it was. I remember there was a bit of spanking that happened- mostly when I was a toddler, and never harshly. Nobody ever felt abused in our home. They did a LOT of teaching, and had high expectations for us to learn well.

 

I myself do not think I am such a great mom. I think I yell too much (though I remember my Mom yelling too), but it tends to be to get the boys' attention, and it's never insults. Like "STOP JUMPING ON THE BED!!! YOU'LL FALL DOWN AND HURT YOURSELF!!!" There is a touch of spanking, more from dh than from me. IMO he was abused, but he does not believe so. He tends to think he knows better how to deal with our rough and tumble boys than I do. He is very critical of my yelling. It bothers him. (Loud things weren't allowed in his home I don't believe). He's not at all abusive, and the boys nearly worship the ground he walks on.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Basically, my mom was a stay at home mom. My dad tried but was a bit harsh and seemed angry at times. I got spanked a few times and punished in other ways a few more times. My brother got a bit more of both.

 

When I became a parent, I decided that I liked that we had a relationship with my parents. I liked that they were strict. I didn't want to step into abusiveness though and I didn't want to seem angry.

 

I did not drop ANYTHING out of my parenting toolbox at first. After a few years, I figured out that if I disciplined well, almost all punishment was unnecessary. So that was my focus. I mean, since you have a choice, why choose to punish instead of learn to teaching and guide better?

 

And it's worked out nicely. They have the life skills they need, are respectful, and are fun. I'm glad to know each of them. I'm glad we chose to discipline in a strict, but repsectful manner.