Should I be upset?

[Home'scool]

I work in a small office with three other co-workers, so 4 of us total.

 

3 of us get along really well. The 4th one is a pain in the butt. Never does any work, full of excuses when you try to give her something -- just a real annoyance. People have actually changed jobs out of the department because they could no longer work with her. On a daily basis we are all civil because we have to be but she is just not a team player.

 

One of the women is becoming a grandmother of twins. We decided to have a small shower for her. We usually don't do anything for birthdays, etc., but have done small parties like when I moved to a new home or when a coworker cam back after being out sick for weeks.

 

Myself and the other coworker got her a few cute baby gifts. This woman gave nothing. No explanation, just came in and ooooohd and aaaahhhd over the gifts like the rest of us but no present.

 

I think that is just such a b*tchy thing to do. I also think this is what contributes to no one wanting to work with her!

 

I am over reacting? Should I say something to her? I so want to pull her aside and say "Really? No gift? Why do you make things so difficult?"

Edited September 26, 2016 by Home'scool

[Janie Grace]

No. Rude. Especially if there was food and drink involved, and she partook. If she is really hard up and couldn't get a small gift, she should not have attended the shower.

 

ETA: I would not say anything to her. 

Edited September 26, 2016 by Janie Grace

[EmseB]

Other personal conflicts aside, she might not be able to afford to give something.  I don't think it's bitchy not to get someone a gift.  Gifts are not owed.  ETA: I definitely would not say anything about it, especially not to chastise another adult co-worker.

 

IME, it's best to simply get along as civilly as possible with people like this; don't gossip about them, don't cover for them if they don't do their work, just be neutral and polite.  Eventually things shake themselves out.

Edited September 26, 2016 by JodiSue

[Miss Peregrine]

You said, "We decided to have a small shower for her."

 

Was coworker part of the process?

[cintinative]

I recently went to a birthday party where a child didn't bring a gift. It turned out that they had ordered something, it hadn't come in when they expected, and he had to come without a present. They didn't broadcast that this had happened so we had no way of knowing that was the scenario. I actually thought perhaps they didn't have the money for the present.   Anyway--I know it is hard to think that might be the case here given prior behavior, but it is possible. So I would encourage you to maybe give it some time before you assume that nothing was given??  

 

ETA: agreeing with others. Don't say anything. 

Edited September 26, 2016 by cintinative

[SKL]

No, I would not allow that to bug me.  People have their reasons for buying or not buying a gift.

 

The other stuff would bug me.  But gifts are 100% voluntary IMO.  Especially for someone who is not the person's subordinate.  (A secretary gift purchased by managers etc., it would bug me if one manager was too cheap.)

Edited September 26, 2016 by SKL

[regentrude]

if she indeed did not get a gift, it was rude to attend. Maybe she had ordered/given otherwise - you don't know.

 

I would say anything. It serves no purpose, as you won't teach an adult manners.

Let it go.

 

ETA: I completely missed that this was GRANDma, not mother. Then the whole shower thing is weird.

Edited September 26, 2016 by regentrude

[SKL]

And also, I am not sure I would agree with a shower for grandchildren.  Never heard of that.  Maybe the opter-outer felt like she'd had something more important happen in her life that deserved recognition / gifts more than a grandkid, and nobody did that for her.

Edited September 26, 2016 by SKL

[EmseB]

To all the people saying she shouldn't have attended the shower: whenever we had parties like this at work they happened at work.  So, if you're at work, you'd have no option not to attend.  I mean, you could ban someone from going to the break room, but that would be very, very mean and almost impossible.  "No, you can't come in to get your lunch, we're having a party you didn't bring a gift for!"  And often times someone just set up a table near the cubicles in a shared space.  This is the scenario I'm picturing, so saying she's rude for attending wouldn't apply.  But I have no idea about the OP's scenario I guess.

[gardenmom5]

you have no idea why she is the way she is.  there maybe something that causes her to be this way - or she may just be a selfish lazy snot.

 

she has a pattern of being this way - don't be surprised when she is this way.

 

years ago, i came across something about "how to love a porcupine".   (or an icicle). this is assuming there is something else going on (as opposed to being "just a lazy snot".)   - and what kindness can feel like to them.  things an emotionally healthy individual takes for granted, can be overwhelming.

 

as for not pulling her weight in your dept - have you spoken with your supervisor about division of job duties?.  so that it is made clear what everyone's duties are, (so if she doesn't complete her own tasks, no one else is penalized).

 

eta: no, I wouldn't say anything to her.  I would strive to (sincerely) be kind, because that's the sort of person I want to be.

Edited September 26, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Spryte]

I wouldn't let that bother me. Life is too short to get upset about that.

 

Echoing JodiSue's thoughts, too.

 

I hope the mini-shower was fun, and that grandma to be had a good time.

[Twigs]

I wouldn't be upset. You knew who she was when you decided to have a party (a pain, full of excuses, annoying) and she lived up to her reputation. I wouldn't have expected anything different.

 

But  :grouphug:  to you since you are upset.

[Miss Mousie]

No, I would not allow that to bug me.  People have their reasons for buying or not buying a gift.

 

The other stuff would bug me.  But gifts are 100% voluntary IMO.  Especially for someone who is not the person's subordinate.  (A secretary gift purchased by managers etc., it would bug me if one manager was too cheap.)

 

This sums it up for me; I agree completely.

 

Was this shower at the office, during work hours?  Did you have food or just the gifts?  I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to see what other people gave despite not giving anything herself.  And if there was no special food that she partook in but everyone but her chipped in for, I really don't see the big deal.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't understand the upset.  I also don't understand why a grandmother would be having a shower.  Is the grandmother going to be raising the children?  I would let it go. 

[Home'scool]

Ugh. It is just a continuation of her petty behavior.

 

I am not in her pocketbook but I know she is not hard up for money. She could've bought a $5 baby bib!

 

I guess I won't say anything to her but it just drives me crazy. Everyone else in the office is so nice and when she is not here we are all just so much more relaxed.

[zoobie]

I've never heard of a grandmother shower. Is she expecting to have custody of the babies?

 

It sounds like she decided to pass on giving a gift (at least publicly) but was polite and participatory at the unusual work event.

 

Not pulling her weight and being generally unpleasant is something her supervisors should address.

[Rebel Yell]

I'd take up any work issues with people in charge.

 

I would not say anything about the gift.

 

My mother in law was given a "Granny Shower" by her coworkers. Some were gifts to be given directly to the baby like clothes and toys, some were for things a Granny might want to have handy, like books or whatever for visits. MIL had attended probably hundreds of showers over 30 years at her job, and that was a way for her coworkers to honor a beloved employee who was long past having her own babies or wedding. Honestly, most of her coworkers were probably way more excited about my first born than anyone who came to *my* baby shower. 🙄

[marbel]

You said, "We decided to have a small shower for her."

 

Was coworker part of the process?

 

This is what I wondered.   

 

In any case, I would let it go.  I'm sure the woman knows the rest of you don't like her, whether or not she realizes the reasons.   It is never right to chastise someone for not bringing a gift.   

[myfunnybunch]

I think the gift thing is bugging you because she already bugs you.

 

Gift-giving should always be voluntary. She likely attended the event to be polite and to celebrate with her coworkers. That's actually good manners, even if she didn't bring a gift. Expecting a gift from someone because they attended the party and ate the food makes it sound like the gift is a trade for the refreshments.

 

I agree with others that the work issues should be addressed. It's a huge pain to work with someone who isn't pulling their weight.

[Guest]

A grandma shower, complete with gifts, is absolutely ridiculous unless that grandmother is the sole caregiver of the child. It doesn't matter if this woman is a pill or not, doing anything but showing pictures around the office and maybe a celebratory cupcake is just plain weird.

 

I'd have not only not brought a gift, I'd have probably refused to attend if it wasn't sitting in the middle of a common office. Seriously!?

 

For all the issues she may or may not have, this one if firmly on the rest of you.

[Guest]

I would not have participated in a Grandma shower either??? Well, actually, I would have but I would have totally hated it.

[Scarlett]

And also, I am not sure I would agree with a shower for grandchildren.  Never heard of that.  Maybe the opter-outer felt like she'd had something more important happen in her life that deserved recognition / gifts more than a grandkid, and nobody did that for her.

 

 

People can throw a party for whatever reason they want.  I think a grandparents shower is cool.  

 

People can also opt out of gift giving.  I would say nothing about it to the difficult co-worker.  It is probably bugging the OP so much because she is just a pain in general. 

[Scarlett]

I can't believe so many of you are against a grandmother's shower!  I think it is sweet.  It isn't like it is a gift grab....it is more about sharing in the grandmother's joy and celebrating the arrival of a baby.

 

I have given plenty of gifts to new grandmothers.  

[Arcadia]

. No explanation, just came in and ooooohd and aaaahhhd over the gifts like the rest of us but no present.

For someone who is a known pain in the butt, I would think she was actually polite to show up and be nice instead of having a tantrum fit at the baby shower. I guess the alternative would be for her to remain at her desk and look antisocial and like she doesn't like grandchildren.

[Home'scool]

The grandmother is not going to be the sole provider. It was simply a case of all of us being excited that her daughter was having twins and discussing it over the last 7 months that we decided to do something small just to get her a few things. Just a fun, "let's buy her a few baby things to celebrate" idea. I personally spent $20 on some socks and hats. The whole "party" lasted 10 minutes.

 

The co-worker was there when we discussed the idea. It just seemed so basic, just a nice, fun thing.

[poppy]

The subtext I read was that she wasn't sure if she was part of the shower but then ended up being there so reacted politely. I could be totally off, but, that's my assumption from the outside.  No, I wouldn't be upset.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

The grandmother is not going to be the sole provider. It was simply a case of all of us being excited that her daughter was having twins and discussing it over the last 7 months that we decided to do something small just to get her a few things. Just a fun, "let's buy her a few baby things to celebrate" idea. I personally spent $20 on some socks and hats. The whole "party" lasted 10 minutes.

 

The co-worker was there when we discussed the idea. It just seemed so basic, just a nice, fun thing.

The coworker opted not to purchase gifts but otherwise very nicely participated in a workplace event. Not rude. Not even close. Edited September 26, 2016 by ChocolateReignRemix

[SKL]

Sounds like the "we" in "we decided to have a party" was 2 of the people in the office.

 

So the "odd one out," who didn't think it was such a great idea, had the choice to either buy something grudgingly, or not buy something happily.  Which is preferable?  Personally I'd rather not have someone participate grudgingly.

 

That said, there are all sorts of reasons a person might not have participated, from lack of time/money to go shop for baby stuff, to cultural superstitions against baby showers, to a psychological reason that you don't know about.

[myfunnybunch]

Just a fun, "let's buy her a few baby things to celebrate" idea. I personally spent $20 on some socks and hats. The whole "party" lasted 10 minutes.

 

That was really kind of you. Sounds like it was fun. :)

 

I wonder if letting go of your expectations of your coworker might help you enjoy the memory of the celebration more. She really didn't do anything wrong.

Edited September 26, 2016 by myfunnybunch

[gardenmom5]

For someone who is a known pain in the butt, I would think she was actually polite to show up and be nice instead of having a tantrum fit at the baby shower. I guess the alternative would be for her to remain at her desk and look antisocial and like she doesn't like grandchildren.

 

I think she was between a rock and a hard place.  the others dislike her -   they'd complain no matter what she did.

[maize]

I can't think of any reason to be upset by this.

 

She didn't plan the party, it happened at work so she couldn't really avoid it, it was a baby shower for a grandmother--nice, but hardly a social norm. It doesn't seem like she committed some huge faux pas by not going out of her way to get a gift.

Edited September 26, 2016 by maize

[Plink]

The coworker opted not to purchase gifts but otherwise very nicely participated in a workplace event. Not rude. Not even close.

 

This - exactly this.

[Acorn]

Some of my Midwest in laws do not buy baby shower gifts. I was told it was bad luck. I still don't understand, and it's been many years.

[mamiof5]

I would have never called it a baby shower unless I was really hosting one. You wanted to bring a small gift, that's very nice of you, but you can't expect everyone else in the office to want to do the same.

[Greta]

I would not have participated in a Grandma shower either??? Well, actually, I would have but I would have totally hated it.

 

Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Scarlett]

I would have never called it a baby shower unless I was really hosting one. You wanted to bring a small gift, that's very nice of you, but you can't expect everyone else in the office to want to do the same.

 

 

What makes it a baby shower?

[MrsBasil]

I think a Grandma shower is a sweet idea for co-workers who like each other and know that Grandma is excited and will be helping with the babies. 

 

I can relate to having a co-worker who (I think) is a complete pill.

 

I think you're wrong in being upset that co-worker you know didn't buy a gift.  You don't have to like her, but she came in and participated politely.  If she never actually agreed to help throw a small shower or buy a gift than she's in the clear and I think you're reacting to other thinks you dislike about her.

 

She could have just bought a $5 bib, but she didn't and she wasn't obligated.    She wasn't rude, she didn't ignore the party, or make comments.  Really all she did was not participate the way you wanted her to.  I'd let it go and be happy that your co-worker enjoyed the shower. 

[gardenmom5]

What makes it a baby shower?

 

the name.

 

Miss Manners gave instructions on this because etiquette rules are only the first baby is supposed to have a baby shower - so the new mother can be "showered" with gifts appropriate to her "new state".  she had a vested interest in how to get around this rule, as she was a second baby.

 

call it something else.

 

eta: also, showers are only supposed to be thrown by "friends", not relatives.  so, call it something else.

Edited September 27, 2016 by gardenmom5

[MomatHWTK]

Yeah, at some point you're just fishing for more reasons not to like someone. I think she would have appeared more rude to totally ignore a celebratory gathering going on at work. If she didn't want to do things exactly your way, she was really in a no-win situation. Let the poor woman do her job and earn a living. Not everyone has to be pals. 

[Scarlett]

the name.

 

Miss Manners gave instructions on this because etiquette rules are only the first baby is supposed to have a baby shower - so the new mother can be "showered" with gifts appropriate to her "new state". she had a vested interest in how to get around this rule, as she was a second baby.

 

call it something else.

 

eta: also, showers are only supposed to be thrown by "friends", not relatives. so, call it something else.

 

Oh. Well in my world we give a party for every baby born....even second and third and more babies need a few new things. We usually call it a shower. Good to know we are breaking the rules.

[gardenmom5]

Oh. Well in my world we give a party for every baby born....even second and third and more babies need a few new things. We usually call it a shower. Good to know we are breaking the rules.

 

most people do.

[mamiof5]

What makes it a baby shower?

Or a grandma shower? Can't remember what it was called. Anyway, it sounded like a sweet thoughtful idea, but maybe the other gal felt forced or something? Who knows? If it was me I'd have just brought the present, without dragging anyone else into it

[Reefgazer]

The purpose of the shower is to shower with gifts, so in this case, not giving a gift is rude. Did you expect anything else?

[SKL]

IMO if it's just 2 people planning to give gifts, that isn't a "shower," even if they thought a third person should have participated.  It's just a couple people giving gifts.  Which is a very nice thing to do.

 

Attending without a gift isn't rude if they hold the "shower" at the workplace in an area where the non-participating person normally goes.

 

If we want to get into etiquette, was the 3rd co-worker properly invited?  Did she have an opportunity to RSVP "no" without being judged?  Was ample time given for everyone to figure out a gift without too much hassle?  Was it polite to hold the party in a place where those wishing to opt out couldn't avoid embarrassment?

 

Really, I think the lesson here is that 3rd Coworker doesn't think like the others.  It's probably a bad idea to assume / expect with her.  In the future, I'd ask her to state her intentions if it mattered to me.

[heartlikealion]

I'm not above being a "tattle tale." If something is so bad that everyone feels like it brings down their dept, why not talk to someone higher up about it? It was worse for me in one scenario. Only two of us in our dept. If one of us complained, we knew who did the complaining! For a while (or maybe we nee stopped once we started) my boss made us fill out daily forms for what work we accomplished. It was later revealed to me that my coworker complained I wasn't doing enough but after looking over the sheets our boss thought it was pretty even. I told her I worked slower, but people often told me they didn't have to have me redo the work (she could easily ask the others in the office if this was true). I don't know that it was the best way for our situation to be addressed, but your boss could require something like that for your dept. if three of you truly feel the fourth is not pulling her weight.

 

As for the shower, I was also wondering if the worker was involved in the process, actually invited, etc. If you open gifts _right next to the work station_ then of course she's going to be there in attendance. But I don't know if you mean you went to the breakroom or what. Either way, she probably wanted to participate, but maybe didn't have money for a gift or maybe thought it was ridiculous to invent a shower for someone that traditionally doesn't get a shower. Was she ever asked, "do you have an opinion on throwing baby showers for grandmas" or anything like that? Probably not. Or she didn't want to say how she felt if the three of you approached her as a unit with this idea. Or maybe none of those things apply. I don't know.

 

I was thrown a baby shower at my office (joint baby shower, two of us were expecting at the same time). Some time later someone told me that a coworker borrowed money for my gift and never repaid it. I think they were trying to reveal something about the character of this person by telling me this. You never know what kinds of things are going on behind the scenes. And all this to say there must be a lot of pressure to get a gift. Cut them some slack on that front. Or next time offer to do a joint gift where you ask only a little from each person. Maybe that would be doable.

[SKL]

I like the joint gift idea - besides being easier, it lets you know for sure (instead of assuming) whether someone is going to participate.

 

I was the boss of volunteering at my last workplace.  There were super nice people who did not participate as a matter of religious principle.  We came close but never reached 100% participation, despite offering many different ways to volunteer or donate.  I would assume the same would be true of showers and such.  It's not worth getting upset about.

[VaKim]

I always hated social things at work. Maybe it was the kinds of places I worked, but to me, it was just the place I went to for however many hours to get a paycheck. I never attend baby showers, wedding showers, etc. unless they are for close family or a close friend. Just saying, not everybody enjoys such things or has any desire or obligation to participate. 

[Scarlett]

I always hated social things at work. Maybe it was the kinds of places I worked, but to me, it was just the place I went to for however many hours to get a paycheck. I never attend baby showers, wedding showers, etc. unless they are for close family or a close friend. Just saying, not everybody enjoys such things or has any desire or obligation to participate.

I agree and I was much the same way....but I did attend several of these things over the years. I felt it fostered a good working relationship with my co workers...

 

That being said in this case I don't think the co worker was out of line for not buying a gift, I think she is just a problem in general and so everything she does is annoying.

[J-rap]

She does appear rather rude and self-centered, but I think at this point I'd just accept it and not expect anything else from her.  She clearly has some issues, either social or personal or whatever.  I'd just let it be and think nothing more of it.  Who knows what all is going on in her life.

[Home'scool]

I'm not going to say anything to her. I guess there is not point -- she is who she is.

 

It's just frustrating because it is such a small office. And she doesn't even try to be a team player.

 

One a similar note---- My office is the Board of Health. We get a lot of complaints from people that their neighbors are hoarders and the yards are full of junk. Then the hoarder neighbor comes in yelling that he is being harassed and should not have to cut his grass, which is chest high, or throw away 10 rusting bicycles because they are not a hazardous material. To me, if you put yourself in any type of group, whether you choose to live in a neighborhood or work in a small office or go to the movies ....

JUST PLAY NICE IN THE SANDBOX!!

 

You don't get to be the nudge in the group. You don't get to annoy every freakin' person around you. I just find that so selfish.