Perry Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hypothetical question. Just wondering how you all feel about this. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? If you say no, at what age do you allow boyfriends/girlfriends? Do you have rules about age differences? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Yeah sure. "boyfriend" probably just means kissing at that age. I wouldn't worry about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. My personal belief is that there is no need for it if you aren't in a position to get married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Absolutely not. NEVER. Wouldn't even dream of it. That said - we've had some of my friends' boys spend the night. But they are really not anywhere NEAR liking each other or thinking like that. And they've been friends since they were very, very young. But a boyfriend!? Why put that stress in a child's life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) I am editing my whole post because I just asked my husband and he said "NO!" so that's my answer too. Edited March 13, 2009 by Nakia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Katia Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Absolutely not. For any reason. Boys as friends : yes, ok. Boys as boyfriends: No. Ain't happenin' here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 What is the point of having a boyfriend at 12 yo? I don't see much good coming from a romantic relationship at that age. I would certainly NOT allow her to go on any kind of date. I agree with the thinking that if she isn't old enough to get married, then she's not old enough make serious relationship decisions. Even "just kissing" or "just holding hands" forms a serious bond (whether real or percieved) that is not healthy for a 12yo. imho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Mouse Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No! I think kids can date when they can get around on their own so, I'd say 16. I might feel differently when my son is 16. But 12 is much too young for "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Absolutely not. For any reason. Boys as friends : yes, ok. Boys as boyfriends: No. Ain't happenin' here. :iagree: I really try to discourage these unproductive romantic obsessions in my kids. We have a newly homeschooled girl in our group (just pullled out of public school this year) who is boy-crazy at 11, telliing my 8yod that she things my 12yos is "cute" and "hot." I have had to explain to her that we just don't need to focus on that. My 15yos is not interested in dating and gets annoyed with kids at scouts who are obsessed with girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Janet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st_claire Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Just curious why you all find it to be unproductive. People only get good at things with practice. Why not let them practice daiting now, so when they are older and ready to get married, they know what they want in a mate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plaid Dad Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. The phrase "disaster waiting to happen" comes to mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Age? That's hard to say. Aaron is 18 and has never dated anyone. He is on-board with this. We are meeting with a family this Sunday because he would like to get to know their daughter better, but he's not looking to "date" her. He doesn't even know enough about her to know if he would want to have her be the someone special. He doesn't know when he will pursue the serious, but he is not looking to have romantic relationships (plural) in the usual sense. Does he have hormones and strongly desire companionship? Sure He just doesn't want to go the normal route. Right now, he is focusing on his degree and preparing himself to be a husband and provider. 12? I see no point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I wouldn't "allow" any dating during the developing of my child's personality and character. (obviously you continue to develop for quite a while, but I wouldn't allow it during young teens.) Group get togethers, once in a great while, with adult supervision...may be ok. (I think I would say,"yes" to that) But, small groups with opposite gender...no way. I would be ok with it, as in give my permission, when my child has matured... At least 18 for us. Carrie:-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I am a fan of young "love" and I intend to allow my kids to date and/or indulge in crushes. But absolutely not at 12! I don't have a set age, and I'd rather go by maturity, but there isn't a 12yo in the world who could convince me that they're mature enough to have a boyfriend (no matter how they're defining it these days). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Just curious why you all find it to be unproductive. People only get good at things with practice. Why not let them practice daiting now, so when they are older and ready to get married, they know what they want in a mate? Practice what exactly? Finding someone compatible in the things that matter in life (as if 12 year olds know what these things are)? Putting into practice sacrificial love (which 12 year olds are typically not well-practiced in?) 12 year olds don't practice the things one must do to make a marriage work How old are your children, BTW? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Just curious why you all find it to be unproductive. People only get good at things with practice. Why not let them practice daiting now, so when they are older and ready to get married, they know what they want in a mate? Emotional immaturity, lacking wisdom and judgment, protecting their hearts until they are older. Practice what? Broken hearts, emotional hurt they aren't ready for. Practice sex? Unproductive? That's better than being productive as in an unwanted pregnancy. My almost 12 yr old dd is a child; she loves being a kid. I will protect that. There's plenty of time to become productive and to practice. This is her one and only childhood. Janet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Twelve seems really young. I can see a friend who happens to be a boy. But a boyfriend in the romantic sense? Um..no. :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 What is the point of having a boyfriend at 12 yo? I don't see much good coming from a romantic relationship at that age. I would certainly NOT allow her to go on any kind of date. I agree with the thinking that if she isn't old enough to get married, then she's not old enough make serious relationship decisions. Even "just kissing" or "just holding hands" forms a serious bond (whether real or percieved) that is not healthy for a 12yo. imho :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen FL Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. No. No. No. No. I am an Admissions Nurse in a psychiatric hospital. I wish you could be a fly on the wall and hear the stories from the teenage boys and girls. Many of them have very good parents yet they are simply incapable of handling the emotions that go along with their heterosexual and homosexual relationships. Some become distraught even if they aren't haven't gone beyond kissing. These boys end up Baker-Acted for voicing and writing suicidal statements. When these young children break up their relationships they go through such anguish. It's very similar to what adults going thru a divorce go through. Perhaps it's worse because of the raging hormones in this time of life. I like it when I hear of teenagers 18 yrs and older who got out with groups of friends. If they are interested in someone they get to observe that person amongst a group. You can learn a lot about the character and personality of another person when they are around friends. If a person 18 or older is in college I do think that studies should be the primary focus. I've seen it work out well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hypothetical question. Just wondering how you all feel about this. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? If you say no, at what age do you allow boyfriends/girlfriends? Do you have rules about age differences? Thanks. At 12? No, I think that's a bit young to date. Boys as friends is fine. But, "boyfriend?" I don't think I could endorse that. Disclosure statement: I don't have a daughter, so I'm just going on what I think I'd think if I had one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'm coming at it as a stepmom of two post-teen & currently-preteen boys. I would not allow my 12yo of any gender to spend any time at all with kids I knew had gotten drunk, not under any circumstances, even with parents present, no matter how sorry the kid was. Also, if one of my kids got drunk, I would not be letting them out of my sight again long enough for a date. It would scream RED FLAG to me if the boy's parents knew he'd gotten drunk and were willing to let him go on a date. I don't believe I'd directly say, "you may not have a girlfriend yet," but I would not give permission for any playdates that might leave the two kids time to be alone together. It wouldn't be a matter of age for me, either. It's about how much I think I can trust the other child and how much self-control I know my child to have. Saying, "So-and-so is my boyfriend," is a different matter, though. I remember those silly fifth grade romances where you were officially dating someone after passing a checklist. I don't think I'd try to forbid a teenager or even a mature preteen from believing something, including that they are someone's boy/girlfriend. It seems like that's asking for rebellion. But there's no way would I let my current 11yo be alone with a girl. I'm a little bit scared just at the thought, and not because I think kids should remain celibate until marriage or even adulthood. I just judge my child too immature to be careful and safe at this stage in his growing-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in NH Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No! Way too young...nothing good would come of that.. at 17 we can talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula in PA Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Yeah sure. "boyfriend" probably just means kissing at that age. I wouldn't worry about it. Um, sorry, but that isn't necessarily true. There are 12 & 13 year old girls (& boys) at our local school who are already engaging in sex. This is not gossip, they were caught. And it's happening all over the country, kids becoming sexually active at younger and younger ages. No child that age needs practice in that. So my answer? Absolutely not. Male friends, fine, no problem, but I do not believe a 12yo could be mature enough to handle that type of emotional relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Ten thousand times NO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Just curious why you all find it to be unproductive. People only get good at things with practice. Why not let them practice daiting now, so when they are older and ready to get married, they know what they want in a mate? I think they date early - they learn ....lots of bad habbits! I'd rather she practice learning about life on her own. What 12 year old boy knows anything at all about the world that she can't learn on her own? Nope - doesn't need him for that! And if there are some nice boys who are her friends - they don't need to be romantic in order to learn from each other. I'd rather she practice things that lead her to an understanding of who she really is. This activity is usually done alone or with a small group of FRIENDS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think our spouse is supposed to be our best friend. I think practising "best friend" skills is appropriate for 12 year olds. Practising dating skills sure isn't. Rosie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnetteB Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Emotional immaturity, lacking wisdom and judgment, protecting their hearts until they are older. Practice what? Broken hearts, emotional hurt they aren't ready for. Practice sex? Unproductive? That's better than being productive as in an unwanted pregnancy. My almost 12 yr old dd is a child; she loves being a kid. I will protect that. There's plenty of time to become productive and to practice. This is her one and only childhood. Janet This sums up our response pretty well. Our kids haven't dated until 18 or later. They don't need to practice "breaking up" and "moving on." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 3 pages and I'm the only not NO. My son, now nearly 14, had a same age girl and they called each other "boyfriend/girlfriend". The "relationship" lasted nearly a year. They were never alone, never went on an actual "date". They saw each other in their mutual outsourced math class (she's homeschooled as well), at a Youth Group (completely supervised). They exchanged texts, emails and talked on the phone. I have complete access to texts and email if I ask. So, would you allow your (relatively mature) 12 year old daughter to have a boyfriend? If you say yes, what if you knew the boy had got drunk on one occasion? Does that make a difference to you? What if he says he made a mistake and won't do it again? This would be an absolute *no* in my home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Over my cold dead body. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. No. No. No. No. I am an Admissions Nurse in a psychiatric hospital. I wish you could be a fly on the wall and hear the stories from the teenage boys and girls. I worked at a Planned Parenthood years ago, so I understand. I've heard everything. NOTHING shocks me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No way. The very idea turns my stomach. Ria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in MI Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No, 12 is to young for a boyfriend. We will allow our dd's to date when we feel they are mature enough. Probably not before they are 16, for a real date meaning just them to a movie or something. Groups are good before that, but I wouldn't even allow group type dating at the age of 12. I have a 12yo dd, she is so not into boys yet! Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Psm73 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I def. think it's too young. I was raised with the belief that dating isn't some kind of social experience to be sought at the earliest signs of maturity. You date to find someone to marry. But going even beyond that, children are not capable of dealing with all that comes with dating - the emotions & turmoil & mountains and valleys of being "in love". I think it can take a lot of young girls to a dangerous place when things don't work out. And let's face it: at 12, it's not going to work out. I want to spare my daughters that kind of emotional rollercoaster until they are old enough to deal with relationships in a thoughtful, mature, adult way. They'll hate me for it but that's the deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No. Neither would I allow my sons to have girlfriends at such a young age. As for the alcohol consumption, I wouldn't allow that relationship to continue, romantic or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Maybe I should have added that this isn't about my girls dating. It has to do with a friend of my dds', and how much involvement I'm willing to let them have with this girl and her boyfriend. It has clearly gone past the kissing stage, and I need to make some decisions about the judgment of the girl and her family. I am appreciating all the responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Nope. Not 12. Not 13. Not 14. Not 15. At 16 we might discuss the possibility if all the planets were aligned just right. At 17, yes, but the kids is still under a curfew and other rules we deem appropriate. At 18 they are ready to make their own choices. And what are we practicing to make perfect exactly? (not based on the OP but on a response to the OP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmgirlinwv Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 It has to do with a friend of my dds', and how much involvement I'm willing to let them have with this girl and her boyfriend. It has clearly gone past the kissing stage, and I need to make some decisions about the judgment of the girl and her family. Are the girl's parents aware of their 12 yo daughter's romantic relationship with this boy? And of his drinking? If so, I would put an end to my child having any contact with the other children. If not, I would seriously consider having a discussion with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luna Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Wow! I am shocked anyone would agree that a 12 year old would be mature enough to handle a romantic relationship. My daughter has friends who are boys, but has absolutely no interest in boys other than friendship. When I was her age, I did have boyfriends and I spent the rest of my school years thinking about boys. How I wish now I had put that energy into my own needs, not the needs of a boy. There are rare relationships that remain innocent and work out well, with no one being hurt. But I believe that is not the norm, rather many girls end up wounded by immature relationships, often thinking they are ready for something well beyond their years. That all being said, the comment about drinking has an obvious response. Boyfriend or friend, 12 is much too young to be spending any time at all with someone engaging in such behavior. My goodness, my 12 year old loves Nancy Drew, playing "store" with her friends and going to the mall. Boys? Not for a VERY long time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vettechmomof2 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 nope, nor my son either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Yeah sure. "boyfriend" probably just means kissing at that age. I wouldn't worry about it. No, I wouldn't let my 12yo dd have a boyfriend just as I don't let my 11 and 13yo boys have a girlfriend. Girls as friends is fine. I have heard stories of the things kids in the preteen years are doing from my friend whose dd goes to public school. It is way more than kissing if you kwim. I do not want my kids to be in that position until they are much older and have enough maturity to say "No." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 NO!!! It doesn't matter how "mature" she may be compared to her peers. She's a 12-year-old child! No chance would I endorse a distraction with such disaster potential. IMO, the purpose of dating when young is to look for the right person, or at least discover the qualities you want in the person that you'll make the rest of your life with. It's very unlikely she'd be dating with that in mind at age 12, so what would she have in mind? Just "hanging out"? Just enjoying companionship? They can do that without the added pressure that comes along with being "boyfriend and girlfriend". Ds16 has his first girlfriend and so far, so good, but it's nerve-wracking. I still think he's too immature to deal with the intense emotions that come with a first "love" combined with the horomones of puberty. He spends a good part of his day away from me and with her in public school, so I don't feel there's much I can do except be vigilant and support and expect good moral behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 No, I have 13 and 15 and no boys in near future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Nope. 16 for the start of dating (in groups for the most part). 12 is way too young to be starting on that road. For both sexes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'm not...NO WAY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I am editing my whole post because I just asked my husband and he said "NO!" so that's my answer too. :iagree: It should be just friends at this age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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