If you are done having children....

[Guest 4boys]

...how did you know you were done? Is being done something you know for certain?

[Tarheel Heather]

My body can't take another pregnancy. So we are done.

[LaxMom]

My husband and I discussed it after a "scare". Thoroughly. We explored our feelings about this stage in our lives, whether we wanted to enter into another round of pregnancy / infant / toddlerhood and ultimately felt as though we wanted to continue moving forward, rather than looping back around.

 

And then we went to the friendly, neighborhood urologist and, uh, codified that decision. :001_smile:

[elegantlion]

We have one and done. Besides feeling that was the right number for our family, my body can't handle being pregnant. I had complications due to a previous surgery and even my doctor told me I shouldn't have more children.

 

Neither dh or I wanted a big family so it was okay with us.

[Reesegirl]

My dh and I have 3 girls. The last two pregnancies were difficult with the scare of defects, spina bifida and Downs...fortunately the girls were healthy. But I didn't want to go through that again. Now that my youngest is 17 there are times I wished we had had one more child...but maybe I would be feeling remorse that we hadn't had 5 also.

[Denisemomof4]

I never thought I'd get to a point where I'd say, "No more!" I would have loved to have 10+ kids! But it did happen. We gave birth to two sons and then a daughter. Two weeks after having her dh had the plumbing rerouted so I would never have to be pregnant again. All three of my pregnancies were difficult and by the end of my 3rd he told the doctor, tears in his eyes and all, "I can't do this again!" :D I still laugh at this and my daughter is 9 now! I have a slight scoliosis and my sciatic nerve just caused my legs to give way in a grocery store the week before. I was in excruciating pain for the last two months of pregnancy AND was gestational diabetic with baby #2 and baby #3. Baby #1 was also very difficult, I was borderline toxemic and the first two babies were OVER TEN POUNDS!!! And my husband said *HE* couldn't do it again?! Now *that's* funny. :rofl:

 

So #4 I travelled to China for. Poor dh had NO idea that I was praying for dd #5. I wanted our adopted daughter to not be the only adopted kid in our family, and also not be the only Chinese kid. BUT, she came with a TON of issues, most we've worked through, and I know that I am NOT equipped to adopt again. This was the main reason I had to put my kids in school a few years back but now that I have two home full time and one home part time, I will not allow that to happen again. Unfortunately, I know too much now. (not that it's all bad, but I've done all the research to find out what was wrong with my daughter, and also all the work to help her heal! THOUSANDS of hours of research and implementing what I learned. I'm TIRED.)

 

So, I just got to a point to where I said "No more, I can't do this again." And I never once feel bad when I see a baby. That's a HUGE one, when you're longing for more when you see a baby. When that stops, or you feel relief that you don't have to deal with it through the night, that's a good sign.

 

Of course your dh would have a say....... ;)

[Jumping In Puddles]

 

And then we went to the friendly, neighborhood urologist and, uh, codified that decision. :001_smile:

 

If you don't mind me asking, how many children do you have?

 

I don't know if I have really come to terms with being "done". I want to be done but I don't want to fully commit to being done.

 

I am always envious of the posters on this board with 4 kids. I think if I had started younger and had them close together, that would have been my ideal. :)

[Shelly in IL]

(I'm 42, almost 43). And God Bless anyone who wants to try it at my age, but with my other 2 at 12 and 9, this is enough.

 

However, whenever I am at Church and see a cute baby, I have to say it sometimes tempts me. And, whenever I am with friends who have 7 kids, that also tempts me, because it seems like so much fun for the kids.

 

But, we are content with our decision. Good luck with yours.

[Tree House Academy]

I don't know that I will ever be completely certain. I get pangs of baby fever and this last bout with thinking I really could be pg brought it back for me for a brief moment. However, as soon as AF started, I totally thought - WHAT WAS I THINKING? LOL

 

For the most part, I know I am done because I can see other people - best friends even - have babies and I am not, for one second, envious of any part of the process. I don't want to gain weight, get up in the middle of the night, have morning sickness, etc... Also, due to my mental health (OCD, severe hypochondria), it is not a great idea for me to start all over. My last pregnancy sent my symptoms into overdrive and the next one could make it worse. :(

[Bonnie in VA]

After our 4th was born, I felt as if I was done, but I wasn't sure whether that feeling was simply a result of the fatigue of having a newborn. Well, my ds is now 2 1/2 years old. He weaned just before his 2nd birthday -- and I felt okay with the idea that I would never breastfeed again. (And believe me, after ds #1, dd#2, and dd#3 I felt quite sad when they weaned.) That feeling told me that, as far as I was concerned, we were done.

 

So, I guess my answer is that for me, I just knew. I expected to go through a deep mourning process, and I haven't. I feel excited about the family things we'll be able to do as our youngest gets a bit older.

 

Bonnie

[Michelle T]

I'm 44 now, and lots of hormonal issues, so I am assuming I'm completely done. But it's been around eight years since I've used any birth control, and I never got pregnant during all that time. I was apparently done after my one DS.

MichelleT

[Tracey in TX]

My cup runneth over. We KNEW we were finished having children prior to having triplets. God just blessed us with a surprise before we could commit to only 2 or 3 kiddos :) I like borrowing other people's children (foreign exchange students) now.

I always heard, "You know when you know..."(that you're finished).

[Suzanne in ABQ]

After my last birthing experience, I simply decided, "I will NEVER do that again."

 

Simple. I just won't do it.

 

Plus, I'm going to be 46 in 3 months. That helps.

[astrid]

I used to think that I was really weird, or a bad mother, because I've always been more than happy with one. Dd was planned, healthy, and is the light of our lives, but ever since her birth I have never, ever, EVER had any sort of longing for another one. I could hold babies, and then pat their little rumps and hand them back, no problems.

 

We always thought we'd have two, as both dh and I have one sibling (well, my brother died when he was 17, but I grew up with one sibling) but after a very difficult pregnancy (four spinal taps!) that desire just never materialized. I HATED being pregnant, and it seemed everywhere I went, people would look at my belly and say, "Oh! You're pregnant! I never felt better in my LIFE than when I was pregnant!" while I was feeling like death warmed over. Blech.

 

We're very happy with our family of one dd, and when she was seven, dh had that little outpatient procedure that sealed the deal!

I think my in-laws were kind of upset, not that they pay much attention to our dd anyway, but I think that my FIL always thought that his son (my husband, the high-school and college football star) would produce a football-playing progidy. Tough cookies!

 

Astrid

[cathmom]

Our finances will not permit another child. If we inherited a lot of money, we might have more. That's how I know I'm done.

[Tammy]

I 'thought' I was done after 2.....then 2 more showed up out of nowhere, LOL!

 

But yea....I knew I was definitely done.....

 

.

[Guest 4boys]

^^ :D

[Jackie in NE]

We have 4dc, only 1 "the hard way". The other 3 are adopted, so "the easy way" :D.

 

I always thought I would have 5 children. Always. But once we had 4, I just felt that we were "full". The yearning feeling left me. We were working very hard, as our 3 adopted dc are a total of 2 1/2 years apart. LOTS of work. But we've never been afraid of work.

 

So I guess in answer to your question, the yearning just stopped. I knew we were done. And it's so interesting, because our 3 adopted children came to us so quickly and easily.... (people called us, instead of the usual search forever route). And after our 4th, we never got another call again. I guess it's a God thing.

 

When we see newborns in Church, both my dh and I look wistfully at the family. We love children. (duh). But it's different now. It's more a feeling of "what a miracle"! "God is so good"! Whereas it used to be a very deep yearning to have another child.

 

HTH

[TammyinTN]

After having our last....a big baby and I'm feeling old, so I'm done. :lol:

[dirty ethel rackham]

I, too, feel just too old. We had our last child at 37 (I'm 45, now.) Although I had a healthy pregnancy, I was so much more tired with that pregnancy than the other two. The birth was easy, so I feel like I could give birth over and over again, but can't do the pregnancy thing anymore. Plus the exhaustion of a newborn. I was more tired with that as well. In retrospect, I was struggling with anemia and hypothyroidism (which took 6 years to get a diagnosis.) With my other two, although I was tired, we just didn't feel "done." We had hoped for 4 children, but when we had our darling daughter, we felt complete. Knowing she would be our last, we cherished every moment (okay, not every moment.)

 

We have not taken any permanent steps and if God were to bless us with another child, we would welcome him/her with open arms, but I would need a lot of help. I already feel maxed out.

[dhudson]

I had twins - that pretty much finished me off.

[kewb]

When my dd turned one I looked at dh and said "If we are going to go for a third we need to start thinking about it." We looked at each other and said "2. 2 is a good number."

 

I do not get baby fever at all. I see a cute baby and I think "How nice, not mine. How wonderful."

[Kimberly in IN]

It is so interesting to read how others knew/know they are done having children. For me, I just felt our family was complete. It is difficult to describe, but I enjoy others new children but I don't feel like I want any additional children. I felt as if we were incomplete until our last dd arrived home. (I knew we were done w/ bio kids after second ds - very difficult pregnancies, many miscarriages, dr highly recommended no more bio kids, had received same recommendation after birth of first child.) Also, dh and I are 44, maybe that is a factor in why we feel complete. As we say, 4 is our magic number.

[RebeccaS]

My dh was done after our 3. The third was born before our eldest was 3. He was done. To top it off, #3 came with a heart defect requiring surgical correction, then we dealt with feeding issues (he was tube fed for 2.5 l.o.n.g. years). Chris was done. I was not. I cried after he had his vas, I cried harder when it came back successful. So, last March, we became licensed foster parents and in April we got our first placement. Then, this December, we got an adoption placement. We are both really happy with it, too, despite Chris being done. Once David's issues were resolved and some time had passed, he was way more open to having more kids. I'm not sure when I will be done. I may never feel done. I've always wanted a lot of children.

[Ancora_Imparo]

Growing up I had always wanted a lot of kids, you know, cheaper by the dozen. DH only wanted one (he and his brothers got into tons of trouble growing up and he didn't think he could handle it). Dd (now 9yo) was an oops and I knew right after she was born I was done. I don't why, I just was very content with one. The thought of another one actually scares me senseless. I can hold babies and love them, but I am more than happy to hand them back to mom when I am done.

[Cindy in FL.]

Following the birth of our fifth, I had two miscarriages. I was 38 at the time and never had another cycle. It has been attributed to an untreatable auto-immune disorder involving my ovaries. We were open to having as many as we were given. I always thought that I would be really sad when that season of life was over, but it has been okay. We have 5 wonderful boys and a grandson, so I can't complain!

 

Cindy

[sweetfeet]

I had my first at 21 and tried for 3 years after she was born to conceive again. After going through infertility with failed rounds of clomid and all of that fun stuff, I decided that if I got pregnant again that would be the end. I can't bear to go through the emotional drama of infertility. My second was born 4½ years after his sister and we are finished. DH also visited the urologist.;)

[melissel]

...and it seemed everywhere I went, people would look at my belly and say, "Oh! You're pregnant! I never felt better in my LIFE than when I was pregnant!" while I was feeling like death warmed over. Blech.

 

:lol: After my first pregnancy, I was the person who said, "Ooooh, I LOVED being pregnant! I felt so great, had so much energy, even up until the very end! I loved feeling a growing baby in my belly!" Then I had my second pregnancy--horrible nausea for 21 weeks, about a month of feeling normal, and then nausea and complete exhaustion for the rest of the time. I would lock myself and our toddler in our bedroom in the early evenings and spend several hours drifting in and out of consciousness while she watched TV and played around the room. I felt just awful about it, but I could barely muster up the energy to feed her meals.

 

That's part of what keeps me from getting pregnant again. In addition, each pregnancy exacerbated a physical issue that I'd developed, and I know subsequent pregnancies would just be the end of me in that area. But the biggest factor is that I just wouldn't be a very good mom to anymore kids. I don't think I'm such a great mom to the two I do have most days!

 

I do actually long for another baby, but I can't allow it because I just couldn't handle it. DH is also admantly opposed to more, and I could probably work him to the point of agreeing to another, but I won't. As much I wish I could be pregnant again and birth and nurse a baby again, the realities of the implications outweigh my desires.

[LaxMom]

If you don't mind me asking, how many children do you have?

 

I don't know if I have really come to terms with being "done". I want to be done but I don't want to fully commit to being done.

 

I am always envious of the posters on this board with 4 kids. I think if I had started younger and had them close together, that would have been my ideal. :)

 

I have 4 - a daughter who will be 20 in a little over a month, a daughter who will be 8 in a little over a month (I was divorced and single for most of a decade between), and 4 year old twins. We didn't plan to have four children, nor did we plan not to. However, in the face of a sudden, unexpected "lateness" we decided we needed to explore how we felt about potentially going down that road again. I'm not sure I have emotionally come to terms with being done, but I know I am, if that makes any sense... I sometimes have that yearning when there's a new baby about, but I don't want to return to that stage of my life.

Edited January 6, 2009 by MyCrazyHouse

[LaxMom]

I had twins - that pretty much finished me off.

HAHAHAHA! I think that's what ultimately finished us, too. Fear of more. :eek:

[mommylaw]

I *knew* the moment the two lines appeared with #3. There was no question we were done, done, done!

 

Thank God we didn't make it to the vasectomy. :)

[Jill- OK]

...a vasectomy, lol.

 

We'd discussed it before, and he'd even made a V appointment...but then we backed out, and had #5.

 

Five was definitely enough for him, and after the delivery of #5 (over ten pounds and 24 inches long), I was inclined to agree.

 

(Although I've secretly wished for one more.)

 

We're at maximum capacity, though. We feel that we have what we can manage well (that might even be up for debate, that we're managing what we have 'well'), and I believe that if one partner feels strongly about not having anymore, that should be it. My husband's older, and is stretched a little by the brood we have; he would love any 'surprise' we would have had, afterwards, and we'd manage...but it probably wouldn't be ideal, if I'm being honest.

 

I was a little sad about the end of baby days, for a little while...but I slowly began to realize that I'm a better 'older kid' mom, if that makes any sense, and that took some of the sting away.

 

So, it was kind of a process of realizing I was 'done'...but dh's pronouncement signalled it, lol.

[Miss Marple]

Knew I was done when the doctor said, "If you want to be there to raise the 4 you have, don't have any more". This was based on problem with the last pregnancy.

[Doodle]

I've never thought in terms of having "children". It has always been "child". It was a weary 3+ year struggle. He's here. I'm done.

[Storm Bay]

I was 40 and had had my third section. I had a very, very challenging 5 yo at that time. We were living in an apartment at the time. We were done. Dh went to the doctor. It's been 8 years, and it was absolutely the right decision for us. The only baby feelings I get now are for grandbabies, and since my eldest is only 13, I'm not in any hurry for those!

 

Had I started having dc younger, had things been different with childbirth, the right decision might have been something else, but this was good for us.

[Melinda in VT]

I've been done twice. :lol:

 

The first was when DH said, "This is it. We're done!" I was sad, but he was adamant and I got used to the idea and came to really appreciate the size and composition of our family. (Older son, four year gap, b/g twins.)

 

Then the twins got a little older and DH changed his mind. I was still done.:tongue_smilie:

 

However, although he was great about not talking about it, I knew his desire for one more was still there. So I decided I could welcome one more. He was born when the other kids were 10 and 6. He is a delight and I am thrilled he's here.

 

But I was certain sure that 4 was my limit. And I have never really wavered in that certainty. And DH is content.

[Jenny in Florida]

With each of our two, we figured we were "done." After our daughter, we had no intention of having more. We got rid of everything, right down to the crib.

 

Then we decided to have one more.

 

After our son, I really felt "done" for a while. Then, I started getting all baby-hungry and made an attempt to convince my husband that one more would be a good idea. He was, at best, lukewarm on that concept.

 

Our kids are both very bright, very busy, very demanding people. And our daughter had some challenges between the ages of about 4 and 6 that kept us busy and exhausted. So, before I could really rally the enthusiasm to work harder at convincing my husband, I got older.

 

And, eventually, the urge just passed. I'm now 44 and frequently feel I don't have enough energy to just keep up with the two I have. So, I'm mostly grateful we stopped when we did.

 

Mostly.

[Desert Rat]

When my dh made that decision. I was fine with it until I brought up him getting snipped because I didn't want to be on the pill anymore. He was shocked. He thought I would get my tubes tied. This really hurt my feelings and I told him he was the one that didn't want more so he needs to be the one to make that permanent. He thought in his head it was a mutual decision.

I'd come to terms with the size of our family but after that discussion he let out all those emotions I had tucked neatly into their assigned box in the back of my mind's closet. Now they won't seem to go back in. Sigh. One more would have been great. I'm grateful for what I've got though and there's always the hope of DIL's and grandbabies.

FWIW, when a friend has a new baby and I feel that craving, I go get another tattoo. Of course, I could see this becoming a problem if those feelings don't go away. :o

[dawn of ns]

I know I'm done everytime I think about homeschooling with baby-induced sleep deprivation.

[Nakia]

We decided when I was pregnant with our youngest. My husband had a vasectomy while I was pregnant. When Cora was around 1 1/2 or 2, I really really really had baby fever. But then I transfered to a Mother/Baby floor to work, and that fixed that. I love "playing baby", as I call it, but I so do not want another baby now. Did you know some babies cry all.the.time??? Mine did not, seriously. I had very good babies! Oh, and I had also been praying for God to take away the desire, and He did. :D I am very content with my 3 daughters.

[QuirkyKapers]

We tried for a long time for baby #1. Since God has a sense of humor he decided to let us get pregnant with baby #2 the first month we tried:) Needless to say, we thought it would take much longer, if ever, and the children are 18 months apart. I knew I was done after that since due to my age I really didn't want to risk any futher complications. Also, when our high energy son who was 2.5, he learned to not only unlock the door but that he could take a broom handle and knock out the hook and eye used as an extra precaution to keep him inside..... I knew that life was going to be challenging for many happy years to come.....:D

[newbie]

I havent read the rest of the posts, but I guess you are done when God says so.

 

I have been off bc for 4 yrs going on 5 and nothing, although secretly I would love one.

 

Its all up to him.

[Mommy22alyns]

Before we even got married, both DH and I were pretty sure we wanted 2 and no more. I spent a little post-baby fog both times thinking that 3 might not be such a bad idea, but I had a difficult pregnancy requiring a month of hospital bedrest the second time around and I just can't imagine doing that with 2 kids at home. Almost every day that passes, I feel more certain that I'm just fine being in this stage and moving forward.

 

Oh, and that nasty little thing a PP mentioned about trying to HS in a haze of sleep deprivation. Does it every time. :001_huh:

[Renee in NC]

Our finances will not permit another child. If we inherited a lot of money, we might have more. That's how I know I'm done.

 

:iagree:

 

I will admit that I was done after #6 - I got rid of all the baby clothes and everything. Baby #7 will be here in a few weeks and I am fine with that, but not anymore.

 

I cannot have anymore.

[sagira]

After much thinking and deliberating and reflecting, I think I'm done having babies. I tried holding babies, and all I think of when I do is "One day I will be holding my grandchild". I think of our lives and all the things I want to do:

 

-travel through Europe, visit New Zealand and parts of South America

-eat at exotic cuisine restaurants

-get my master's degree in Psychology

-get fit (I'm the skinny fat person :D)

-get a housekeeper

-make more money

-more personal time to pursue my hobbies and interests (I'm an only child myself)

 

I don't see myself having another one. I'm happy (and plenty busy, thank you very much) with my two children.

 

Then again, dh is only 30 and I'm 32, so you never know how the ball rolls.

Edited January 6, 2009 by sagira

[Evergreen State Sue]

Yes, I knew I was done for sure. I was 37 and 38-1/2 when I had my two children. I knew given the highly energetic children I had, that there wasn't enough of me to go around and no extended family members to assist me either if we had more. I prayed for children. I cried month after month when I was not pregnant. I rejoiced when I became pregnant each time. I loved my babies and still love my growing children. But I can say with certainty I knew when I was done. God knew too as I went into menopause in my earlier 40's.

[sagira]

I know I'm done everytime I think about homeschooling with baby-induced sleep deprivation.

:lol: That scares me too :eek:

[Annie Laurie]

This has been on my heart and mind a lot. I see how quickly it goes by- can't believe my oldest is 14 already, and it makes me sad. I love having kids around and experiencing things through their eyes. Dh wants another one and I do most of the time, but I keep putting it off, figuring I have time. And recently I told dh that by the time we had another, youngest would be 6 or so, so then I almost feel like we should have two more so that the baby could have a playmate like the middle three had, (they are very good friends). And dh was on board with that too. But I don't know how we'd homeschool with littles into everything and I know I won't feel good about being lax on some hsing areas with the other kids because there are toddlers in the mix. Plus, I really want to travel with the kids before they're grown and gone, and more kids would impede that. Pregnancy is always uneventful for me and I like being pg, and I've had uneventful homebriths, so that's not an issue. It's more of after the kid is here, but the baby and toddler stage is so short really, and soon enough things are smoother again. But then again, our style of parenting requires a lot of me and I'm not looking forward to bfing for years on end again. See- back and forth, back and forth.

 

So I've just decided not to pressure myself or worry about it for now, we have time. But I'm not ready right at this moment, and maybe I will transition into knowing for sure I'm done after awhile.

Edited January 6, 2009 by Annie Laurie
typos

[Donna]

I was done after my 3rd and husband had vasectomy while I was still pregnant so there is no turning back now. LOL

 

Anyway, seriously, I have no desire at all to do the baby thing again. I enjoy the place my kids are now though I can still enjoy other people's babies in my work. I knew I was done when I could hold someone else's newborn and had no feelings of longing for one myself.

[Guest 4boys]

Thank you for all the responses. I guess it is different for everyone.

 

I go back and forth all the time. Babies are so precious and the only reason I wouldn't want to get pregnant again is because I gain so much darn weight every time and it's taking me longer and longer to lose it all. Besides that we are only 26.

 

But I think I have realized while reading this thread that if DH says we are done, then we are done. Reid is only 9 months old, so he has plenty of time to change his mind about it if he suddenly decides we should have more. Until then, there is no point in my worrying about it because it won't change things right now.