Is this level of nosiness fairly common on FB?

[Bambam]

Elderly person has Facebook. I've just discovered they look up any person you mention and examine that person's FB page. I have my page locked down pretty tight, so if you aren't my friend, you can't really see much at all except my profile picture - you can't even see my friends list (because that is set to "only me") - but from her reports, it sounds like many have a lot of info and posts set to public (so anyone with a FB account can see them).  

Now, I've looked up random person on FB I know but am not friends with on FB - and might or might not send friend request, but this person is looking up all sorts of people.  The folks at church, she is looking up their children and their grandchildren. She is looking up her neighbor's relatives and their spouses, etc.  These are people she has never met nor is it reasonable to expect she will ever meet the vast majority of them.  She is not sending friend requests to any of them, she is just being nosy. 

This level of nosiness seems way over the top. Way, way over the top to me. But I'm wondering - are there many other folks out there doing the same level of nosiness?  I'm seriously considering unfriending this person (which may cause some problems because relatives) because of the over the top nosiness about everything, and I do not wish her to snoop on my friends. She is not going to change. This is something she has always been very, very bad about.  But if I find there are many who have this level of nosiness, I'm thinking that the advantage of keeping in touch with FB friends may not be enough of an advantage. I tend to be a very private person. 

[QueenCat]

Honestly, she sounds like a very lonely person. 

[Pawz4me]

My guess is that level of nosiness is unusual. I think most people don't have that much extra time or that much interest in people they don't know.

It sounds as if she may be a people person who isn't getting enough real life interaction to meet her needs?

[Bambam]

You might be right she isn't get enough interaction. Not really sure how to help with that though - she lives in an Independent Living facility - plenty of folks to talk to, but she will not participate in any of the activities, nor does she go down to meals any more (hearing issues and dining rooms can be problematic), and the folks she does talk to, she complains that all they do is talk, talk, talk so she avoids them.  She does go to church 3 times a week, but there is nothing else she is interested in. We've tried - she has no interests outside of reading and hanging out on FB.  I'm out of ideas of ways for her to get together with folks as she shoots them all down. She does call a few friends sometimes, but when you are in your 90s, you have fewer and fewer friends. 

[AngieC]

If people don't want their personal information out there for public consumption, I feel like they need to lock down their profiles.  I always assume that anything that I put out on social media is being viewed by people who are not my target audience.  I have plenty of pictures on facebook that are publically viewable, but it doesn't bother me to think that random strangers are looking at my daughter's 7 year old birthday party or my latest running race.

It would not bother me at all to know that someone is looking at other people's information.  I do agree with the comment above that this person is likely lonely and has too much spare time on their hands.

[KatieJ]

Unusual, but I’m sure more people do,this than we realize.

I have a friend who “likes” any comment I make on Facebook if she sees it. I’m not talking about just my page (I rarely post there) but on one of my friend’s  pages. Yes, she has to be friends with them too, but truly, if I comment on a grandkid photo, for example, is there a reason  for her to “like “ it too? Sometimes she is not friends with them,  but not everyone locks their FB page the same way, so she will see that I commented…(I hate that FB does that BTW)

She also drives by the house I moved from 3 years ago, and takes photos of the house and sends it to me. 😳😳😳

She gets plenty of social interaction…I think it’s wierd.

Edited June 24 by KatieJ

[marbel]

I agree she sounds lonely and with too much time on her hands coupled with not enough interaction with people. 

If your friends list is restricted to you alone, that would stop her from checking on them that way, though I suppose if you post and they comment she could go to their profiles. Honestly, though - anyone can click on any profile that they come across, so it's up to each individual to assess their feelings about having strangers look at their photos, etc. 

But ya know, if you want to unfriend her, that's your business, and not your relatives'. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes, especially among older folks. Social currency tends to focus around kids and grandkids and what they are all up to, and so it’s considered ok to snoop around and see what everyone’s kids and grandkids are up. 
 

This is also why I left FB.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Yes, especially among older folks. Social currency tends to focus around kids and grandkids and what they are all up to, and so it’s considered ok to snoop around and see what everyone’s kids and grandkids are up. 
 

This is also why I left FB.

Yes, this.  I know many, many older people ( 70's and older) who do this. 

[Arcadia]

26 minutes ago, Bambam said:

She is not sending friend requests to any of them, she is just being nosy. 

That’s normal for my in-laws. They are always sneaky kind of nosy so it is not because they are retired and bored. They like to “snoop” without letting others know they are snooping so it won’t be unusual for them to snoop on social media without friending or following someone. My friends who are blatantly nosy would be very open (to your face) about it. Social media just give people who loves this kind of snooping plenty of chances to indulge in it. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Sounds like she really has nothing else to do.

[regentrude]

Sounds like she's bored and it fulfills a social need for her. Folks must be fine with it if they post their pics and info publicly. Otherwise,  they could simply set them private.

I don't consider it anymore nosy than reading tabloids or caring about celebrities. It's a way for a lonely person to kill time and feel some sense of social connection. 

If it bothers you, you don’t need to unfriend them; you can simply set a privacy rule to exclude them from some of your content.

Edited June 24 by regentrude

[EKS]

I'm not sure why looking at someone's public information on Facebook is considered nosy.

[Clarita]

She's a nosy person, but also if you don't want the public knowing certain things don't post those things on FB. 

I also know plenty of people who don't care that XYZ's auntie's lawyer looked at their posts. Some people are excited about the random connections they have to people. I had employers who looked at my social media before hiring me. I don't know that privacy can be expected on social media.

[Bambam]

8 minutes ago, EKS said:

I'm not sure why looking at someone's public information on Facebook is considered nosy.

Mostly because of the span of who she is snooping on. Go to lunch with a friend and forget and mention it? She will look up my friend on FB, and then my friend's kids, and significant others, etc, etc. I think that is pretty nosy to go to research on a random connection - that isn't even yours. 

Going to look up a celebrity - that seems normal to me. Going to look up the former husband of my friend's child? That seems weird to me. She has no connection to any of these folks other than the fact I told her I ate lunch with my friend.  The definition of nosy is "showing too much curiosity about other people's affairs" - and that seems to me exactly what she is doing. 

[pinball]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

Mostly because of the span of who she is snooping on. Go to lunch with a friend and forget and mention it? She will look up my friend on FB, and then my friend's kids, and significant others, etc, etc. I think that is pretty nosy to go to research on a random connection - that isn't even yours. 

Going to look up a celebrity - that seems normal to me. Going to look up the former husband of my friend's child? That seems weird to me. She has no connection to any of these folks other than the fact I told her I ate lunch with my friend.  The definition of nosy is "showing too much curiosity about other people's affairs" - and that seems to me exactly what she is doing. 

The only thing to do is never talk to her again nor take her to lunch to bc you can’t be trusted not to introduce these innocent, unsuspecting people in her nasty, nosy snooping. 
 

Also, take away her phone & any other means to get online.

 

Then, file a restraining order!

 

She needs to be locked down. The damage these nonagenarians can do simply by reading public information should not be underestimated. 

 

[SKL]

I wouldn't know how common it is, but I don't think it's particularly unexpected.  That's why it's important to lock down what you don't want the whole world to see.

I get curious sometimes and look people up.  For example, someone posts something about their kid and I want to refresh my memory about how old the kid is or some thing like that, so I go on their page to scroll down to the "happy birthday" post.  Once on their page, I may notice their friends list and become curious about one of her friends whom I knew as a kid, or in a past job.  Like, how's she doing these days?  Click.  This may lead to curiosity about said friend's friends/family etc.  Occasionally, I just happen to think about someone I haven't seen in decades, and I look them up to see what's up with them.  I don't attempt to interact though.

I probably do this an average of once or twice a year.  I definitely don't have time to do a lot of this.  However, I could see doing more of it if I didn't have much else to do.

I assume that people look me up also.  A few weeks ago, I mentioned something to a client about my past, and she said she's going to look me up on facebook.  I'm that interesting, I guess.  😛  (I then went to my page and confirmed that certain things are "only me" in case she decided to friend me.  Old political jokes and such.  :P)

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

I think that is pretty nosy to go to research on a random connection - that isn't even yours. 

Another word for it might be curious.

Again, this is all public information.  In a prior era it would be akin to looking up someone in the phone book to see where they lived.

Edited June 24 by EKS

[wintermom]

It's very common for elderly people to feel lonely for all kinds of reasons, such as not having family nearby to visit them, not having the physical mobility to get out and about, hearing loss making conversations challenging. The loneliness leads to feelings of isolation, but with access to FB, and hopefully other family and friends through email, etc., this elderly person can reach out and connect with people. It's definitely not as valuable as in-person connections, but online platforms are methods many of us use to connect with others (like the Hive). 😉 

If you can manage to find ways to connect with this person, you'd likely be doing them a big favour. 

Edited June 24 by wintermom

[Indigo Blue]

I agree that it’s public information and that she really isn’t doing anything wrong, although I do agree with you that it is a bit odd. She could be lonely, or she could be a really nosy person. Either way, it’s all public information so I digress. But…I think it a bit odd. 
 

I know someone who, if you hand them your phone to show them a photo in a string of texts, you can see their eyes as they briefly look at the photo and then quickly start scanning texts before they hand the phone back. When I noticed that I stopped letting them see anything on my phone, unless that was the only thing filling the entire screen. Even then, I never turn my back, and I make sure they don’t decide to start scrolling through photos or anything. 
 

You have to be careful with FB. This person also gets info there and relates things back out to others in a criticizing way. 
 

Ya never know what people do with that stuff, and you would never know they did it. Most people don’t do crap like this, but some do. 

 

Edited June 24 by Indigo Blue
Decided I needed to delete a part of my post and word it differently.

[Just Kate]

Honestly, I think it is fairly common. And I know that teenagers do it (they call it “stalking”). My dd16 and her friends will kind of joke about it (they meet a cute boy and “stalk” him on social media, which may include searching his parents or siblings). They aren’t being malicious, just curious. Like others mentioned above, you have to lock down your social media if you don’t want others to be able to search your page. Anything I post on social media I consider public and open for anyone to read (including here!). 

[SKL]

I've also accidentally happened to notice someone posting my kids in bathing suits that way.  (When they were little, but still.)  I've also seen where a troubled relative was posting about "facts" that were actually delusions, providing useful information for the family.  I don't think it's creepy to do a little scrolling now and then.

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, Bambam said:

hanging out on FB. 

Does she have the ability to do Words with Friends? Maybe hook her up with some safe gaming apps for her device. As people change, sometimes they need some help to realize things they might like to do with their time. I got one person I assisted like this playing Solitaire on their device and they enjoy it. 

And yes, it sounds like their world has gotten small. Do they have card games where your person lives? Does your person have the ability to play those card games? You might talk with the activities director there and see what they are doing and advocate for more activities to engage them. If this person is paying to live there, the activities director might need to step up with invitations and customization to get your person out the door. Where my father lives, they do a lot he doesn't choose to do but other things he does. He's lived in two facilities now and they've always made effort to try to find something he would like. He likes Wii bowling for instance, so they started setting that up for him. He likes when they do painting and coloring crafts. He likes book club where someone reads a book. 

Even if your place is doing stuff, they may need to customize. If she's paying to live there, it's good for family to pipe up and compel them to get creative. I got on the case of one of the activities directors at one point because I felt like my father was too bored. Turned out she had cancer (ugh) and had been dropping the ball. She ended up needing to leave (she died), and the new person has stepped it up. So it may not be just your person's reticence but that the staff need to attend to her a bit and customize.

[HomeAgain]

This type of nosiness isn't unusual in my circles, but it's why all of us lock everything down tight and don't really friend each other.  I'm not friends with my dh or my 25yo ds on Facebook.  Why?  Connections give more information about people.  We just don't do it.  It's the same with a lot of old friends.  We may message each other, but we don't friend each other.  DS25's workplace was incredibly impressed when they searched his family.  Only youngest ds's accolades were available, and while we're not thrilled with that, we're resigned to it. 

[Bambam]

3 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Does she have the ability to do Words with Friends? Maybe hook her up with some safe gaming apps for her device. As people change, sometimes they need some help to realize things they might like to do with their time. I got one person I assisted like this playing Solitaire on their device and they enjoy it. 

And yes, it sounds like their world has gotten small. Do they have card games where your person lives? Does your person have the ability to play those card games? You might talk with the activities director there and see what they are doing and advocate for more activities to engage them. If this person is paying to live there, the activities director might need to step up with invitations and customization to get your person out the door. Where my father lives, they do a lot he doesn't choose to do but other things he does. He's lived in two facilities now and they've always made effort to try to find something he would like. He likes Wii bowling for instance, so they started setting that up for him. He likes when they do painting and coloring crafts. He likes book club where someone reads a book. 

Even if your place is doing stuff, they may need to customize. If she's paying to live there, it's good for family to pipe up and compel them to get creative. I got on the case of one of the activities directors at one point because I felt like my father was too bored. Turned out she had cancer (ugh) and had been dropping the ball. She ended up needing to leave (she died), and the new person has stepped it up. So it may not be just your person's reticence but that the staff need to attend to her a bit and customize.

She does play a couple of computer games, but the suggestion of Words with Friends is a good one. 

The Independent Living place has volunteers (also residents) that try to find activities/groups to get each new resident involved with/plugged in.  This person has resisted all efforts. She simply will not play any games with groups (or individuals) even though several of her neighbors and other folks have invited her (she reports this). She refuses invitations to any of the art and craft activities, movies, etc as well.  We've tried to find outside the facility activities she might find interesting (and possibly build a support system here), but again, she is not interested. Sometimes I've wondered if she isn't just narrowing her interest/closing down because she is getting older and she feels that people that old and close to death should stop living?  We have tried to assist in a couple of areas, but she has forbidden us to do anything like that. I feel that this is not a good decision on her part but also respect that she can make those decisions (as they are not life threatening or anything like that - just more related to comfort). 

But this thread has been helpful to see that it may be a part of loneliness and that others may do the same sort of thing on FB. I also probably needed that reminder that folks are responsible for their own FB privacy, and that if it is public, they must not mind random folks looking through it. 

[Bambam]

49 minutes ago, EKS said:

Another word for it might be curious.

Again, this is all public information.  In a prior era it would be akin to looking up someone in the phone book to see where they lived.

She would look them up in the phone book, drive over there, park to the side and watch to see who came over. If someone was there and left, she would probably follow them to see where they were going. Follow the person to work to figure out where they worked. Follow any guests to see where they lived, etc.  So, that seems beyond, to me, 'curious' label. 

[wintermom]

4 minutes ago, Bambam said:

removing personal info

I wonder if her hearing and/or vision are issues, perhaps her cognitive capacity as well? Her self-confidence may be lacking if she seems to be resisting any group activity. Perhaps one-on-one visits with people might be more comfortable for her?

Edited June 24 by wintermom

[Bambam]

11 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I wonder if her hearing and/or vision are issues, perhaps her cognitive capacity as well? Her self-confidence may be lacking if she seems to be resisting any group activity. Perhaps one-on-one visits with people might be more comfortable for her?

Hearing is bad, Vision issues are being handled and are mostly good. I would say processing speed and ability to understand stuff is less than I would expect. She has never had any self-confidence that I know of - her self-esteem appears to be zero.  One-on-one visits she does seem to enjoy, but they are limited due to the temperature she keeps her place at. I'm very cold natured, and the heat is hard on me for any length of time. I will try to visit more often, but I'll also try for morning when maybe it will be a little cooler there. 

[marbel]

NVM, I'm too literal sometimes

Edited June 24 by marbel

[PeterPan]

33 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I feel that this is not a good decision on her part but also respect that she can make those decisions (

She may be experiencing some dementia and trying to mask/cover for her changing abilities. The cognitive changes could also present as anxiety, which again would cause withdrawal or behaviors not typical of her earlier years. If this is out of character how for how she has been in the past and she has been there long enough to get acclimated (3-6 months), I would talk with the facility about getting her seen for mental health. She may benefit from an antidepressant or early memory loss med. Both can help with brain clarity.

Also, if there's a continuum of care at the facility, you can talk with them about her placement. I'm surprised they don't have a paid activities director. Is this a licensed facility? Licensed and unlicensed facilities differ in what they provide. If they're unlicensed, their ability to help with meds will be limited as well, meaning it's something to notice.

I COMPLETELY AGREE that you respect the person's choice, but I've had it go both ways with people I support. Some just have that as their personality, and they've been that way for years, living pretty isolated, less social lives. For others, it reflects a changing cognitive state and needs some support with medications to help them feel their best. You know your loved one well so you probably know if this represents a change or is typical for them. 

Edited June 24 by PeterPan

[Laura Corin]

30 minutes ago, Bambam said:

She does play a couple of computer games, but the suggestion of Words with Friends is a good one. 

The Independent Living place has volunteers (also residents) that try to find activities/groups to get each new resident involved with/plugged in.  This person has resisted all efforts. She simply will not play any games with groups (or individuals) even though several of her neighbors and other folks have invited her (she reports this). She refuses invitations to any of the art and craft activities, movies, etc as well.  We've tried to find outside the facility activities she might find interesting (and possibly build a support system here), but again, she is not interested. Sometimes I've wondered if she isn't just narrowing her interest/closing down because she is getting older and she feels that people that old and close to death should stop living?  We have tried to assist in a couple of areas, but she has forbidden us to do anything like that. I feel that this is not a good decision on her part but also respect that she can make those decisions (as they are not life threatening or anything like that - just more related to comfort). 

But this thread has been helpful to see that it may be a part of loneliness and that others may do the same sort of thing on FB. I also probably needed that reminder that folks are responsible for their own FB privacy, and that if it is public, they must not mind random folks looking through it. 

My mother would have done this if she had learned the tech. She was curious about others but deeply introverted.  She was truly happy in her own company, but would have seen Facebook as an extension of her extensive newspaper reading  - just more fun stuff to learn about the world.

[PeterPan]

17 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Hearing is bad,

Are they getting her hearing aids? Is she compliant? Hearing loss can definitely affect social.

19 minutes ago, Bambam said:

She has never had any self-confidence that I know of - her self-esteem appears to be zero. 

I would have them call in the np for a referral for mental health. A nice SSRI or some other meds might help this immensely. Regular visits help. Are you the only person who visits or does she have a POA or someone who is more regular? It doesn't have to be super frequent, but enough that she knows someone checks on her.

20 minutes ago, Bambam said:

the heat is hard on me for any length of time.

Maybe take an iced drink in with you? Usually our nursing homes around here are set to 74, which feels warm in our climate but not stifling. Her POA might want to look over her bloodwork and talk with the doctor just to make sure her thyroid is adequately treated. Sometimes as they age the kidneys go and it affects a whole slew of things, iron absorption for instance. Iron definitely affects how warm they feel. Even if they treat, it might not improve if the kidneys are declining, but at least it would make sense to you. 

Can you take her out to another room, outside for some fresh air, and throw a sweater on her? 

[PeterPan]

23 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I will try to visit more often, but I'll also try for morning when maybe it will be a little cooler there. 

It's so kind of you to visit!! You'll probably get different data and different experiences visiting at different times. I find visiting in the late evening (after dinner, 7pm-ish) surprisingly useful. People are quite bored by then but still awake. You get a different set of nurses/staff too. 

In the early morning, sometimes things are still pretty sleepy with baths not done, floors being mopped, etc. 

This is independent living? Well I guess just see what happens. But yeah, try various times, see what happens. If she tolerates going outside, try that. 

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, QueenCat said:

Honestly, she sounds like a very lonely person. 

That was my first thought, too. 

I don't see any harm in what she's doing, and if it makes her happy, I wouldn't discourage her in any way.

If anyone is posting things they don't want her to see, that's their problem, not hers -- and if they are posting things they don't want the general public to be able to view freely, this one lonely, harmless little old lady is the least of their worries.

(Unless @pinball is right and she's secretly plotting to take over the world. Then she needs to be stopped. 😉)

[PeterPan]

44 minutes ago, Bambam said:

Sometimes I've wondered if she isn't just narrowing her interest/closing down because she is getting older and she feels that people that old and close to death should stop living? 

I can't speak to EVERYONE, but in my small experience the people I've supported, as long as their mental health is good, seem to still have zest for life. They might express it in smaller ways as their abilities decrease, but there's still this zest or pleasure. I had someone asking for their favorite drink an hour before they died. 🤣 So I'd consider whether you're seeing some depression and let the psychiatrist who visits the facility sort it out. 

46 minutes ago, Bambam said:

We have tried to assist in a couple of areas, but she has forbidden us to do anything like that.

Again, if paranoia or anxiety or being resistant is unusual behavior for her, I'm back to the mental health piece. I'm not saying those are the words you feel like you're describing, but when I read what you're posting it seems like that's where it's heading.

You'd much rather deal with it when it's *small* and get some meds on board and figure out what works, than to let it go till it's a *bigger* issue and be trying to track down the pdoc and get things started. There can be some trial and error. It's just super common to benefit from a little support. Some of the SSRIs are even being used for dementia because they decrease the brain inflammation of early alzheimers. By age 85 something like 80% of people have some degree of dementia/cognitive impairment, so it's ok to be respectful and supportive and also make things happen.

Who is her POA? How do they feel about these issues? Are they seeing what you're seeing? Sometimes some people see things earlier than others, so working together can be helpful. Sometimes people are in denial and don't want to admit their loved one is experiencing changes, so they're slow to advocate for meds, etc. It can be helpful to have that conversation and let the person who is responsible for the choices work it out.

[PeterPan]

Or put another way, I'd say your peace to the POA and then let it go. If you're not the POA, there may be things you can't improve. 

[Hyacinth]

Unless she’s doing something harmful with the information she finds, I don’t see the problem. Facebook allows for all kinds of rabbit holes that can be kind of fun if you’re lonely and don’t have much else going on. 

[KungFuPanda]

If this lady does 23 and me she’ll loose her everloving mind. Can you imagine her down that rabbit hole?

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

She would look them up in the phone book, drive over there, park to the side and watch to see who came over. If someone was there and left, she would probably follow them to see where they were going. Follow the person to work to figure out where they worked. Follow any guests to see where they lived, etc.  So, that seems beyond, to me, 'curious' label. 

I disagree.  We are talking about looking at public documents that could easily be made private if that is what was wanted.  

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

She would look them up in the phone book, drive over there, park to the side and watch to see who came over. If someone was there and left, she would probably follow them to see where they were going. Follow the person to work to figure out where they worked. Follow any guests to see where they lived, etc.  So, that seems beyond, to me, 'curious' label. 

But she's in her 90s now. Who cares what she did decades ago? Apparently it didn't cause any harm then, and what she's doing now isn't hurting anyone, either. I'm not really sure why you're so concerned about it.

Maybe she imagines herself as a Jessica Fletcher type and this is just fun for her.

She's in her 90s. Let her live her life any way she wants to live it. 🙂

[regentrude]

It's also nothing new - Facebook is just a different tool. Even before the internet, there were people, usually older women, who spent their day watching what the neighbors did, how often they hung their laundry to dry, who had visitors, which teen daughter wore a short skirt or kissed a dude on the street corner, who lost weight, who seemed to have gained and might be pregnant, what strangers were walking on the street....

I recall these women keeping tabs on people, running to others to gossip, tattling to parents... passively looking on Facebook seems very benign.

Edited June 24 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, AngieC said:

If people don't want their personal information out there for public consumption, I feel like they need to lock down their profiles.  I always assume that anything that I put out on social media is being viewed by people who are not my target audience.  I have plenty of pictures on facebook that are publically viewable, but it doesn't bother me to think that random strangers are looking at my daughter's 7 year old birthday party or my latest running race.

It would not bother me at all to know that someone is looking at other people's information.  I do agree with the comment above that this person is likely lonely and has too much spare time on their hands.

Exactly. I don’t put anything on social media that I care if anyone looks at.  
 

Personally I don’t see what it hurts that she is looking up people.

[Bambam]

There are mental health concerns, and it is being addressed, but slowly. She is of an age she knew several folks who had mental illness when she was younger (20s), and they had electroshock therapy, and it was not a happy outcome, so she is somewhat extremely hesitant to go down a mental health path. Add in the fact her former husband was very anti-meds, so she is also anti-meds. It is difficult to change the elderly. 

Her looking up all these people on FB hurts no one, but it seemed very over the top. 

But I hadn't thought of it as a facet of loneliness, so that helps me to see that I need to try to do more visiting to help combat that. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

There are mental health concerns, and it is being addressed, but slowly. She is of an age she knew several folks who had mental illness when she was younger (20s), and they had electroshock therapy, and it was not a happy outcome, so she is somewhat extremely hesitant to go down a mental health path. Add in the fact her former husband was very anti-meds, so she is also anti-meds. It is difficult to change the elderly. 

Her looking up all these people on FB hurts no one, but it seemed very over the top. 

But I hadn't thought of it as a facet of loneliness, so that helps me to see that I need to try to do more visiting to help combat that. 

But does she really need to change?

She's in her 90s. She has made it this far without being medicated or treated for mental illness. I would think that any kind of pressure in that direction would serve no good purpose, as all it would probably do is make her feel stressed and worried that people are trying to make her do things she's not comfortable doing.

If the weirdest thing she does is look people up on FB, my suggestion is to just leave her to do whatever she wants to do, and try to visit her as often as possible so she has your visits to look forward to, so she doesn't feel isolated.

Honestly, if it were me and I knew she loved driving around and seeing where the people of interest to her live and work, I would make a point of doing that with her once or twice a week, and then going out for coffee or a meal together afterward. I'll bet it would be so much fun for her!

[PeterPan]

Dementia can cause mental health symptoms that aren't rational or something she can rationalize through. If she's *uncomfortable* then her POA would take steps to get her more comfortable. If she is comfortable (calm, happy in her environment, etc.), then it's fine. If she's acting out of character and it's affecting her ability to feel good in her latter days, then meds are completely appropriate. For instance, I have a relative who was maybe a bit crunchy over the years but never anything serious. She's in her late 80s now and experiencing enough dementia that it leaves her crying, anxious, and out of character. Her POA was slow to catch on and she's now pretty miserable waiting for a pdoc appointment as the symptoms escalate. 

If she's living in a facility that is licensed, then the nursing staff can handle the meds, which can lower stress and that whole thought process of what it is, how high the dose is (oh no, oh my), etc. If facilty is unlicensed (like where one of my relatives lives), then you have this added problem because they are supposed to be administering their own meds. Now they can be premade in little packets by the pharmacy, but like you say it brings this whole layer of stress. I was against an unlicensed facility for this person but I was not the POA. 😉

It sounds like you're doing the hard work. She's blessed to have people who care trying to help her. 

[PeterPan]

12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

She's in her 90s. She has made it this far without being medicated or treated for mental illness. I would think that any kind of pressure in that direction would serve no good purpose,

Dementia and brain changes can result in people needing some meds to feel comfortable and calm. I have *multiple* people I support right now who have experienced dramatic shifts at those late years requiring meds. You look at the person and how they're doing and keep them comfortable. I've got someone right now I've watched for several years who seemed stable and now they need meds. When the brain changes, it changes. You just keep people comfortable.

It's hard when your person is hesitant about meds. Eventually she may get to where she concludes she wants them. Sometimes it's really bad when they finally realize they are ready and at that point there is trial and error, getting the appointment with the psych (1-3 month wait!), etc. It can be a real mess.

Edited June 25 by PeterPan

[Rosie_0801]

At her age, she doesn't just have to entertain herself when she's alone, she has to have something to say when she has visitors. Gossip is achievable. 

[PeterPan]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

At her age, she doesn't just have to entertain herself when she's alone, she has to have something to say when she has visitors. Gossip is achievable. 

I love it!!

[SKL]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

It's also nothing new - Facebook is just a different tool. Even before the internet, there were people, usually older women, who spent their day watching what the neighbors did, how often they hung their laundry to dry, who had visitors, which teen daughter wore a short skirt or kissed a dude on the street corner, who lost weight, who seemed to have gained and might be pregnant, what strangers were walking on the street....

I recall these women keeping tabs on people, running to others to gossip, tattling to parents... passively looking on Facebook seems very benign.

Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched!

[SKL]

“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?”