S/O: Would you want to know?

[catz]

I wouldn't assume anything revealed by someone with dementia to be accurate.  And no, I wouldn't say anything.  

[ktgrok]

not your secret to tell. 

[maize]

I wonder if some of the variation in responses hinges on how people feel about their known sibling relationships. To me, sibling is a significant relationship and I would absolutely want an opportunity to get to know any as-yet-unknown-to-me siblings who happen to be out there. The OP in the other thread feels close to her half-sibling and would love to get to know her newly-discovered half-sibling. Anything more distant than a sibling I wouldn't feel strongly about.

I agree with those who say that the question of "should I tell what I know" is a separate one from "would I like to know." In most situations I wouldn't feel it was my responsibility to tell someone about a relationship they might not know about unless one of the parties involved came to me with questions.

[regentrude]

21 minutes ago, maize said:

I wonder if some of the variation in responses hinges on how people feel about their known sibling relationships. To me, sibling is a significant relationship and I would absolutely want an opportunity to get to know any as-yet-unknown-to-me siblings who happen to be out there. 

To me, too, sibling is a significant relationship, but one that is defined by shared childhood and upbringing. A stranger who happens to share my DNA doesn't automatically equal a relationship. We might become friends, but it is not the same as the siblings with whom I shared childhood and teen years in the same house.

Edited February 14, 2023 by regentrude

[catz]

Just now, regentrude said:

To me, too, sibling is a significant relationship, but one that is defined by shared childhood and upbringing. A stranger who happens to share my DNA doesn't automatically equal a relationship.

Agree.  I also think those who do the DNA share databases are chosing to put themselves out there to have a hit.  It's not like the parties don't have an option.  I personally haven't and won't.  I have an adopted grandparent and I just don't have any particular interest in having random DNA hits and possible contact.  

[maize]

49 minutes ago, regentrude said:

To me, too, sibling is a significant relationship, but one that is defined by shared childhood and upbringing. A stranger who happens to share my DNA doesn't automatically equal a relationship. We might become friends, but it is not the same as the siblings with whom I shared childhood and teen years in the same house.

I agree that it isn't 100% the same but it is still significant to me.

I didn't actually share my childhood with all of my siblings, we have a wide range of ages. We did share being raised by the same parents, but not at the same time or in the same places (there was never a time when all of us lived at home together). It isn't just shared experiences that make us siblings.

Edited February 14, 2023 by maize

[kbutton]

48 minutes ago, maize said:

I agree that it isn't 100% the same but it is still significant to me.

I didn't actually share my childhood with all of my siblings, we have a wide range of ages. We did share being raised by the same parents, but not at the same time or in the same places (there was never a time when all of us lived at home together). It isn't just shared experiences that make us siblings.

Similar for my grandfather and his siblings (some of whom had to be farmed out to work in town to have enough food), and I've never met a family so loyal or so close even when some were behaving like total jerks, lol! 

[KSera]

1 hour ago, maize said:

I wonder if some of the variation in responses hinges on how people feel about their known sibling relationships. To me, sibling is a significant relationship and I would absolutely want an opportunity to get to know any as-yet-unknown-to-me siblings who happen to be out there.

I've been wondering how much it is related to people's adoption experiences. I expect, on average, people with adopted siblings are less likely to find the DNA connection to genetic siblings they've never met to be an automatically compelling relationship. Obviously, YMMV, especially in people who have gripes about their family and pin those gripes on adoption rather than the fact that some families have relationship issues, whether genetically related or not.

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

To me, too, sibling is a significant relationship, but one that is defined by shared childhood and upbringing. A stranger who happens to share my DNA doesn't automatically equal a relationship. We might become friends, but it is not the same as the siblings with whom I shared childhood and teen years in the same house.

This.

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, Katy said:

Yes. Chances are Uncle has always known, it’s just that people didn’t often openly talk about things back then. And why would he be crushed about something that happened before they got together? 

If I were in your shoes I’d find a way to bring up a similar story that happened to a friend and see what they say about a hypothetical. 

He would be crushed because they were already engaged when she got pregnant with another man's baby and didn't tell him.   I know he didn't know because he kept asking my parents why she went away for 6th months to go stay with them.   He asked for years.   My parents had sworn to keep her secret and helped her through all of that time in her life.

[prairiewindmomma]

DNA issues aside, as someone who has done genealogy for 30+ years at this point.....I both have discovered things through records and have been told things by people as part of deathbed confessionals (ie--"If so and so ever comes to you and says xyz, it's true, and here's the whole story...) and not all of that information has been good or helpful or kind. Life in the past was harsh and judgmental in a way that I think is difficult to understand if you haven't lived it. I, for example, struggle to wrap my mind around even my mother's experiences--my mother who couldn't open her own checking account or request her own birth control pills early in her marriage without her husband's consent.  I've only caught a glimpse of what that must've felt like with recent court cases, and those are only the issues one generation removed from me. When I have discovered things from 150 years ago through old journals or records, I really can't say that I KNOW what that must have been like.  I would like to be able to withhold judgment entirely, but it is so hard to do that.  I, personally, do view some people differently than I did before and I understand why they chose not to share that part of themselves or their lives with others.  

You've posted, Dawn, since I started typing this reply, but I'm so glad you know that Uncle doesn't know the whole truth.  I think it should give clarity that Aunt didn't want this information released.

 

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, DawnM said:

He would be crushed because they were already engaged when she got pregnant with another man's baby and didn't tell him.   I know he didn't know because he kept asking my parents why she went away for 6th months to go stay with them.   He asked for years.   My parents had sworn to keep her secret and helped her through all of that time in her life.

If you know he would be crushed, I don't see any benefit at all to telling him the truth. What possible good could it do?

I would keep the secret, as your parents always did, and as your aunt always wanted.

Edited February 14, 2023 by Catwoman
I seriously can't type today!

[freesia]

I would keep the secret. I know a family secret that my mom told me that I wish I didn’t know. I am going to let it die with me. I think every family has some kind of skeletons—we can just assume. People aren’t perfect and sad things happen. 

[Katy]

33 minutes ago, DawnM said:

He would be crushed because they were already engaged when she got pregnant with another man's baby and didn't tell him.   I know he didn't know because he kept asking my parents why she went away for 6th months to go stay with them.   He asked for years.   My parents had sworn to keep her secret and helped her through all of that time in her life.

In that case it might be better to not tell him… 

[DawnM]

52 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

If you know he would be crushed, I don't see any benefit at all to telling him the truth. What possible good could it do?

I would keep the secret, as your parents always did, and as your aunt always wanted.

Yeah, I do NOT want him to know, for sure.   Although if there is a DNA match, he may find out (but not from me.)

Edited February 15, 2023 by DawnM

[katilac]

I would want to know, but not at the expense of either of my parents being upset. 

I would never tell. 

You found a close relative this way, didn't you? If they know that story, they now what's possible, and can act accordingly 

4 hours ago, kbutton said:

There are so many scenarios in my extended family that involve zero DNA that I really can't justify demonizing DNA testing at all. It's one of many ways people find out shocking things. Just one. 

I thought this was worth highlighting. 

2 hours ago, maize said:

I agree that it isn't 100% the same but it is still significant to me.

I didn't actually share my childhood with all of my siblings, we have a wide range of ages. We did share being raised by the same parents, but not at the same time or in the same places (there was never a time when all of us lived at home together). It isn't just shared experiences that make us siblings.

Agreed, and I think some people underestimate the impact meeting a hitherto-unknown sibling might have. When you meet someone who is a carbon copy of your mom, or who laughs just like your grandpa, - I think it's hard to go, eh, just another person. I can't imagine not wanting to meet someone who looked just like my mom or dad or other siblings. 

I was also raised with an extremely strong sense of family (that encompasses blood kin and adopted kin). If I knew I had a sibling out in the world, I think I'd feel compelled to see if they were okay, and if they had family to lean on. 

[Soror]

Every time this comes up here it just reinforces my vehemence against getting into the DNA sites and ancestry because the attitudes of those that are into it about what they have a right to know and share deeply disturbs me. That future relations think they have the right to info. oh vey. Times have changed. We never truly know what someone has gone through. The way I hear (online and irl) people blithely discussing, speculating, and judging about what they truly have no clue about. Someone could have an affair and just be a blip in an otherwise long and happy marriage or a pattern of infidelity. It just really, really bothers me. All of it.

I'm not personally hiding anything. I have 4 kids by one husband. I'm sure I have relatives with secrets and skeletons but I'm going to assume they had reasons for that and respect them, even in death.

I'm obviously in the camp of don't tell. 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Soror

[Elizabeth86]

Oh goodness no. Ignorance is bliss. lol

[Shoeless]

After reading your update, @DawnM, I would not tell unless Dick or Jane said something like "We got the strangest DNA test result; there must be some mistake".  If that happened, I'd tell Dick and Jane what I knew. 

I personally would want to know the truth if I was Jane, but I'd keep the secret to myself until after Uncle died. 

My DH's bio dad was a player and had something like 7 or 9 kids by different women.  A new half-sibling pops up every few years. There are one or two half-sisters that are gung-ho to have a "family reunion" and "get all the kids together!", and it's awkward. This isn't family that lost touch with each other and is happy to reconnect.  There was no relationship there to start and the bio-dad was an abusive jerk.  Not much basis for a fun, "family" reunion!

A couple of the "kids" chatted briefly via social media and exchanged medical info, and that was that.  Most of the "kids" just wanted that info, (diabetes runs in the family, apparently).    

[easypeasy]

That would be a definite no.

[Katy]

I’m trying to imagine a scenario where I’d be able to keep a secret like that from DH. I couldn’t. He can read me like a book. 

[Lecka]

I don’t think it’s right to tell, either.

But I would if so many people knew that it was an open secret.  That would just be a different situation to me, at a certain point.  I wouldn’t count this as “my husband and kids,” but if he’s said it to several relatives, and you guys all know about it, and you know the rest of you know — at some point I think that would be a different situation.  Like — if 5 years from now, someone could say “oh, well, the 10 of us have known about that for quite some time,” then I would think that was different.  I don’t know where the line crosses for that, but it would cross at some point.  
 

I would also tell if I thought it was *likely* to come up that they are visiting your dad and he is *likely* to say it.  If it was not likely, I wouldn’t.  I just think it would be kinder if he’s likely to say it anyway.  Depending on the scenario — but if he might say it and then not be able to answer questions or expound on it, it could be kinder.  
 

But those are the only situations I could think of.  In general, it’s not something I think was intentionally shared, and that means it should be treated like confidential information.  

[Faith-manor]

17 hours ago, regentrude said:

To me, too, sibling is a significant relationship, but one that is defined by shared childhood and upbringing. A stranger who happens to share my DNA doesn't automatically equal a relationship. We might become friends, but it is not the same as the siblings with whom I shared childhood and teen years in the same house.

This is how I feel. I also have a really wonderful relationship with my husband, my adult kids, and my nephews. I don't want to add new, complicated messiness to this. My parents created enough drama to last a life time. Mark feels the same about his side of the family. His sister has been a nightmare, but he and his brother and their kids as well as his sister's kids and their families are all in a really, really good place. Adding family members with no shared history or connection except DNA could throw a monkey wrench into the peace we have made.

[fraidycat]

I agree that it is not your story to tell. If the information is discovered through other means (DNA site, birth records search, etc) and you can help fill in the gaps with your info, then do that. 

I know of more than one  "not my story" about adoption, parentage, extra siblings, etc. But those are not my stories to tell.

[SKL]

18 hours ago, catz said:

Agree.  I also think those who do the DNA share databases are chosing to put themselves out there to have a hit.  It's not like the parties don't have an option.  I personally haven't and won't.  I have an adopted grandparent and I just don't have any particular interest in having random DNA hits and possible contact.  

I agree that one can simply choose not to put oneself into DNA databases, but that only works with first degree relationships.  My parents aren't on there, but that doesn't stop me from finding out if I have a secret sibling, uncle, etc.

I don't really know what I'd do if I found out I had a secret very close relative from the DNA site.  Like I said, I would really only want to know if my mom wanted to tell me.  My kids & I joined more to confirm our biological heritage and because my kids (adopted in a closed adoption) wanted to know if they had any close blood relatives in the adoption community.  That said, I think modern parents should tell their kids if they have a DNA secret their kids might stumble on.

[LucyStoner]

After my husband’s grandmother died, we discovered that her second son was born alive but died.  My MIL never knew about this sibling, she was the one who found out because she found a birth certificate for a child who was born two years before herself.  
 

People kept certain things *very* private and I think that was and is their right.  

[LucyStoner]

Speaking of the consequences of DNA testing, my brother found his biological father that way.  My brother was conceived by rape, something he learned in the worst way possible when my grandmother told him (and all of us) at age 14.  

I’m ambivalent. It’s absolutely my brother’s right to do the DNA test and to find the guy.  It was perhaps somewhat healing for my brother to know that mom’s story was accurate- he’d wondered if she was obfuscating or lying about who his dad might be.  Our mom died but she didn’t know who had raped her as she was 19 and hitchhiking when it happened and she remembered only a limited number of details about him.  

On the other hand, I kinda wish I didn’t know who that man was or that he’s a retired US Postal worker alive and kicking it in Ohio.  

Mostly, I’m just glad my mom died before the advent of recreational DNA testing and she didn’t have to know her son, who she chose to have and who she loved deeply and never told him herself until grandma dropped that bomb, found his “father” online.   ETA: I’m still kind of flabbergasted that a man who rapes people would be stupid enough to do 23 and Me.  

Edited February 15, 2023 by LucyStoner

[Pam in CT]

For me, the ethical principle of "not my story to tell" is quite broad, and guides a lot of decisionmaking about conduct much wider than tracking down shared DNA and all the consequent secrets that can result from that.  I mean, if one of my launching-adult kids tells me they're considering a job move, or changing where they live, or something equally mundane, but then says "I'm not ready to talk about this yet, don't tell anyone" .... I won't. Anyone, including my husband.  And I recognize that many people draw lines in different places when the secret-spilling stakes are low, and I understand and appreciate that.

 

But.

Within the universe of stories-not-mine-to-tell, the specific subset of secrets-that-resulted-in-shared-DNA ... the moral stakes strike me as being a whole lot higher.

A great many secrets-that-resulted-in-shared-DNA stem from TRAUMA of one sort or another.  Rape and incest most obviously; but we also a great many other circumstances that underlay someone's decision to forfeit a child for adoption, and the pain of separation and/or secondguessing thereafter.  Or coerced removal of children into adoption. Or other forms of trauma.

And within my own moral reasoning, people who suffer trauma have the right to process that trauma in their own way, in their own time. 

I can see the competing right of an individual to seek THEIR OWN medical history or THEIR OWN origin story as having equal validity.

 

But potential siblings, half-siblings, aunts / uncles / cousins?  No.  I do not see any moral standing that outweighs the right of a very-possiblly--   likely, even -- traumatized person just cuz it's possible. 

It strikes me as prurient and busybody at best, entitled and self-focused at worst. 

 

 

[And that the ubiquity of DNA databases have eroded all principles of privacy and that everything is highly likely all to come out inevitably anyway has nothing to do with how I approach MY OWN CONDUCT.  That reasoning strikes me as a punt.]

 

[annandatje]

No.

[Catwoman]

9 hours ago, Lecka said:

I don’t think it’s right to tell, either.

But I would if so many people knew that it was an open secret.  That would just be a different situation to me, at a certain point.  I wouldn’t count this as “my husband and kids,” but if he’s said it to several relatives, and you guys all know about it, and you know the rest of you know — at some point I think that would be a different situation.  Like — if 5 years from now, someone could say “oh, well, the 10 of us have known about that for quite some time,” then I would think that was different.  I don’t know where the line crosses for that, but it would cross at some point.  
 

I would also tell if I thought it was *likely* to come up that they are visiting your dad and he is *likely* to say it.  If it was not likely, I wouldn’t.  I just think it would be kinder if he’s likely to say it anyway.  Depending on the scenario — but if he might say it and then not be able to answer questions or expound on it, it could be kinder.  
 

But those are the only situations I could think of.  In general, it’s not something I think was intentionally shared, and that means it should be treated like confidential information.  

Just to let you know, Dawn's dad passed away recently.  😞 

[Lecka]

I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize your father had passed away.  
 

I’m so sorry for your loss.  

[Reefgazer]

On 2/14/2023 at 9:25 AM, DawnM said:

 

 

 

Zip it and take it to your grave.  No good will come of telling, and potentially a lot of harm.  And no, I personally wouldn't want to know.  

Edited February 20, 2023 by Reefgazer

[klmama]

On 2/15/2023 at 12:01 PM, Pam in CT said:

people who suffer trauma have the right to process that trauma in their own way, in their own time

Yes to this, and not just for this type of situation.  Thank you for sharing this.

[DawnM]

On 2/15/2023 at 10:07 PM, Lecka said:

I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize your father had passed away.  
 

I’m so sorry for your loss.  

That's ok.   Thank you.

[Condessa]

In this situation, no.  But I do think that questions like this become much more complicated when the adoptee is reaching out seeking connection to their bio family.  

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, Condessa said:

In this situation, no.  But I do think that questions like this become much more complicated when the adoptee is reaching out seeking connection to their bio family.  

agreed

[cuckoomamma]

I’m in the minority, but I’d want to know if I was one of the kids. I definitely agree to waiting until their dad passes, but I think knowing the truth gives insight to someone. She was a super strong woman to have lived through that and I’d want to know that about my mom. Or, maybe she was unusually sensitive about subjects that I couldn’t understand or would lash out about certain things. It gives context to a person. But, I come from the perspective that she was strong and brave no matter the circumstances of the pregnancy and others may not.