S/o Balancing kids’ needs

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I don’t want to hijack another thread, but I am really wondering this.  How do you manage when your children have competing needs?  How do you not give the easy child less when the complex child just requires so. much. energy.

I am really struggling.  My kids are in PS, one in a special needs school and the other two in gen Ed. Oldest is 12 with ASD/anxiety. His grades are great. His last IQ evaluation though dropped him from 128 to 97.  That means he lost the enrichment program at his SN school for kids who need the extra academic challenge. His standardized test scores are abysmal, despite having a 98% grade average.  But the school is fantastic for developing social skills and giving him the rigidity and structure he craves.

then there’s DD who gets completely lost in our family. She’s truly academically gifted and absolutely miserable in PS. The plan is a small Christian school next year that can meet her academic needs and she can do early college there. But—$$$$. We can afford it—if I keep working full time.  I could never fill her social needs homeschooling. I’m sure she’d continue to fall through the cracks if I was homeschooling because I just cannot give her the academic challenge she needs because her brothers just take up so much time.

And DS7.   So fun. Such an absolute joy.  A medical mystery with cognitive and physical delays.  He’s not reading anywhere close to the end of 1st grade and doesn’t understand the math concepts. He’s somewhere 8-12th percentile academically but the school says it’s just fine and plans to pass him onto second grade.   He’d thrive being homeschooled.  He gains so much during summer breaks and vacations. I think I can probably get him up to second grade level or close this summer, but not if I’m working full time.  
But then I can’t afford to send DD to private school.

If you’ve read this far, thanks.  We’re tossing around various solutions, but it’s a constant theme in my life.  I can’t manage the boys’ needs and still give DD the time and attention and everything she deserves.   I don’t want her growing up resenting me, but sometimes that feels like it’s inevitable.

[mommyoffive]

I hope this is a constant feeling for moms of multiple kids, because I sure know that I feel this all the time.    I can see that having kids with special needs would make it even harder.  I feel like every time i make a choice I am screwing someone.  Someone isn't getting what they need in that.  I am only one person so I can't be in 5 places at once.  I have no real advice, as I don't think that i am doing anything really FAIR.  I just try to do the best for everyone when I can.  This has us living a life that isn't what I would choose.  I loved staying home when the kids were little.  I still like being around them, but I miss so much having a career.  Also my older 2 (maybe 3) are really into an activity that cannot be practiced close to home.  So since 2019 we have been commuting like crazy to it.  It was crazy hard for my younger 3 at the time.  I wish that I wouldn't have done that too them.  So I am always trying to make up for that.  

But even day to day.  I feel like no matter what someone isn't going to be getting what they want.  If we go mountain biking 3 of my kids are going to love it.  One doesn't want to be there, and the other can't ride on trails yet.  Go to the beach and 2 or 3 are going to love it while the older ones complain.  I hope that all the times that they make compromises and trade offs end up making them better adults because they are patient and know that everything isn't about them all the time.  But we will see how that all pans out.  🙂   I think this must be a big family problem that everyone has.

[fairfarmhand]

Can you hire tutors to after school your boys while you’re working? Also, where is your dh in this? What are his thoughts? Is he up to helping with tutoring etc. providing extra support?

Edited June 21, 2022 by fairfarmhand

[Farrar]

In families where this happens, it seems like the families who are most at peace with it - the parents and the kids - are the ones where special time or activities are carved out specifically for the kid who most often falls through the cracks. Like, programs and time that are very specifically for her, that everyone knows is a stretch of time and/or resources, even if it's not on the level of the financial stretch of the school, and that get her away from the stressors of the rest of the family, even if just occasionally or for a short time. 

Practically speaking, I wonder if there's an afterschool enrichment program. Does she qualify for a talent search like CTY? Is there anything in your area? (I know you're not in a super resource rich area...) Or maybe she could do an away summer camp that would be all about her academic gifts and interests and put her with other kids like her. If for some reason you do decide to homeschool her, there are so many online classes now, especially for gifted kids. I don't think she would fall through the cracks academically if you utilized a lot of those types of resources. But I hear you about the social issue. That's really tough to fill a kid's social cup when they're homeschooling and you're not in a resource rich area and you've got two other kids with big needs.

As someone who was leaned on a lot by my mom because I was the easy one (not the same situation as this at all, but I was given a lot of responsibility really young because my mom was stretched very thin), it helped a lot that I was told all the time how grateful everyone was, how good I was, how special I was, how no one could do it without me, etc. And I look back and am like, mildly appalled by some of the stuff I was asked to do with little support. But on the other hand, I always felt good about myself and my self-confidence was through the roof, and I didn't end up resenting my mom or the situation. It just was what it was.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

We have some STEM day camps that DD could go to next year(too late this year).  She is doing a veterinary science camp next week which will be good for her.  
I looked into tutoring for DS7, but all the quotes were $70-100 hour which is steep for the limited benefit we’d get. DS7 needs a lot repetition to grasp a concept and then more repetition for mastery.  So even with tutoring we need to continue working on concepts daily.  Not necessarily worksheets, but I will cook with him or count sticks on nature walks(we’ve seen 3 sticks, look, there’s 4 over there, how many sticks have we seen now?) or whatever kind of fun things I can come up with for the concept we are working on. So while not really hard to do, it is time consuming. But it needs to be daily for him. DH is more than happy to work with him on worksheets on his days home with the kids, but I still need to plan everything out and then modify it for DS7. I have a master’s in special Ed and that’s also why paying a tutor $100 to do what I can do also kind of rankles.

My parents will pay for DD’s private school if I ask.  DH is funny about it.  There’s a pretty significant wealth disparity between our families now, even though I was truly poor growing up. But his parents save us so much money by providing overnight childcare, and my parents can’t do childcare but are happy to help out financially.  But DH would really struggle with letting them pay for it. They sometimes grab medical bills off my desk if they’re here and pay them(high deductible and medically complex child—last year we had around $30,000 in medical bills we paid for) and DH feels like he’s a bad provider when they do that, but I also know they’re financially able and want to.  I could also take it out of my 401K if push really came to shove. 
I just feel like I can’t win. To be fair, my mental health is zero right now and I’m sure I’m catastrophizing too.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[QueenCat]

Would a college student work for tutoring? 

[Starr]

I understand about the money but having your parents pay for her school sounds like the solution. It will still be exhausting enough having them in three different directions. Maybe you can get him to accept that you have unusual circumstances, not that he's not a good provider. He works hard. And his parents are giving you a lot.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

9 minutes ago, Starr said:

I understand about the money but having your parents pay for her school sounds like the solution. It will still be exhausting enough having them in three different directions. Maybe you can get him to accept that you have unusual circumstances, not that he's not a good provider. He works hard. And his parents are giving you a lot.

He works seven days a week between running a two person contracting business and being a paramedic supervisor. And he makes good money especially for our area.  But every time we start to get ahead, we get walloped with more medical bills.  we just can’t climb out of that.  But he struggles with feeling like he’s just not doing well enough because we can’t seem to get ahead.

Edited June 21, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[catz]

I think if your mental health is struggling, I think you should ask yourself how can you best work on that?  I would set that as a priority.  Is your job contributing?

We pulled my son out after first grade due to GT issues fit.  Part of the reason homeschooling worked well for my kids who did prefer quite a bit of social and I think they needed it too was having some funds to do enrichment.  So I'm not sure I'd be excited about pulling a kid approaching age for middle school if I didn't think I could fulfill social needs at home.  I do think for a lot of kids - homeschooled or not, there is just so much going on physically, mentally and emotionally those puberty years academics can naturally take a backseat to social needs.  

I think having your parents pay for private school would be wonderful if they could swing it and I would start couching that as a NEED for your middle child.  If this school has good included good quality clubs, extracurriculars, etc all the better.  My kids loved social stuff at younger ages.  But they NEEDED it starting at those middle school ages through high school.  Early covid was a nightmare for my teen, I really let loose on tech limitations and she did do a lot via zoom, google groups, etc.

I do think so much of parenting is making least bad choices.  I've also worked with eclectic groups of tweens and teens over many years in the homeschool community including neurodiverse kids.  I have really seen how mindfully working on social, group, classroom, etc skills can make a HUGE difference for the success of kids as they  approach adulthood.  But the academics would drive me batty too.  I hope you give yourself a lot of grace as you making your least bad choices.  ❤️  

[Arcadia]

I would rope in friends and relatives to help, as well as let your parents help with private school fees.

I was the “easier” child even with medical issues because I was used to advocating for myself since young. My parents had relatives and family friends helping to bring me to and from activities. DS17 is the easier child and he felt he didn’t get his “fair share” of attention from parents. So I had to make sure I do spend time with him. 
My husband’s income is decent but job security is not there. His parents also ask for fun money often. My parents is bankrolling the bulk of education expenses to help “cover” for me not working. My husband isn’t happy but homeschooling without outside classes was causing situational depression for DS16 as a kid. He cried so often. After he went to outsourced brick and mortar classes for 2.5 days a week, he became so much more chirpy. My parents also gave money for our kids college expenses. My husband isn’t too happy about that but he knows the money would come in handy. 

[prairiewindmomma]

1. Preserve your own functionality. If you aren’t functional, no one is, generally. If you need to take a season of rest—you are in a marathon, not a sprint, and it is ok.

2. You aren’t going to hit everyone’s “ideal” childhood experience….especially if you have more than two kids, even more so if there are medical complexities, and if SN are in the mix—you are doing well if everyone is getting the basics in.   Perfectionism is the enemy here. We kind of do a rotating thing here—everyone has a low commitment niche thing they do, sometimes, and we kind of rotate the goodness. We prioritize family time over individual time, usually, and we keep the communication lines open for when we need to adjust.

3. Give yourself some grace. The major medical really does blow apart families financially and emotionally. It is morally wrong how our healthcare system is set up. It shouldn’t be such a battle to stay alive. You have been through A LOT, and I am so impressed with how much you do for your family. Hugs!!

Where you know big things are coming medically for you, take the time to mentally put everything down and then sort out what you want to pick up again. We can’t carry everything, so pick your burdens carefully. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

It seems every time I turn around with DS7 we need to see another specialist.  Now it’s cardiology. And GI. We already see developmental peds, ortho and neuro.  He needs orthotics, which our insurance doesn’t cover. He doesn’t qualify for a Medicaid waiver because he doesn’t have a diagnosis, so we’re seeing genetics again. And now he has astigmatism so there’s more specialists.  
I think you all are right and we will need to let my parents pay or at least help with DD10’s school.  I truly think she’d resent me forever if I tried to homeschool her because I just don’t have the margin for all the social stuff, but she’s depressed in PS.  I told DH today that if I cannot get DS7 up to second grade level by fall I refuse to send him back just to fall further behind and we need to figure that out.  
 

The real issue today is DD10 has been asking to get highlights in her hair, and the only available time for months at the salon was late this afternoon. But of course I work tonight, so I asked my sister in law to take her. Her aunt picked her up after the half day at school, went to lunch, they’re getting pedicures and then getting DD10’s hair done.  I’m taking DS7 to speech therapy and orthotics fitting then going to work for the overnight.  And I worry that someday she’ll feel like I picked the boys over her, which is not at all what I’m doing. 

Edited June 21, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[catz]

8 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

The real issue today is DD10 has been asking to get highlights in her hair, and the only available time for months at the salon was late this afternoon. But of course I work tonight, so I asked my sister in law to take her. Her aunt picked her up after the half day at school, went to lunch, they’re getting pedicures and then getting DD10’s hair done.  I’m taking DS7 to speech therapy and orthotics fitting then going to work for the overnight.  And I worry that someday she’ll feel like I picked the boys over her, which is not at all what I’m doing. 

Oh, I think having a auntie time like this is pretty special, I bet she is having a blast.  You made this happen for her when you had 10 balls in the air.  I think kids get to know over time when parents are doing the best they can with the tools and time they have available.  ❤️  This is the kiddo that you took to FL on her own not long ago too right?  You're doing great mama, hang in there.  It takes a village.

[Starr]

Your daughter will appreciate what you are doing. She knows you made it happen even if you couldn't be there. Having family to help is a real blessing. With the state of US medical care, specialized medical care is simply not something one can keep up with. It's not about hard work. Hopefully your dh will see that giving money for education is something your family can do and it isn't different than his family giving time. It's frustrating for those of us who deal with moderate situations let alone one as difficult as yours. Praying this sorts it's self out soon. 

[saraha]

(((( @Mrs Tiggywinkle)))

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

1 hour ago, catz said:

Oh, I think having a auntie time like this is pretty special, I bet she is having a blast.  You made this happen for her when you had 10 balls in the air.  I think kids get to know over time when parents are doing the best they can with the tools and time they have available.  ❤️  This is the kiddo that you took to FL on her own not long ago too right?  You're doing great mama, hang in there.  It takes a village.

I worked so much overtime last year and was able to take each child separately to either DisneyWorld or Universal.  It’s crazy to think about but I knew my sister would be moving out of Florida and wanted to go while she was there lol.

But I somehow pulled it off and each child got a special trip alone with Mom. 
 

I feel like I use the family village too much. My mom grew up in a multigenerational household and always talks about feeling like she had three moms because her grandmother and aunt watched them while her parents worked.  But I also sympathize with my grandmother, who was a nurse in the 1960s and 1970s, and they struggled to make ends meet.  My mother’s comments on all of that ring in my ears.

[Katy]

Ask your parents for tuition. 

And don’t let the ideal be the enemy of good. No one gets ideal. And frequently gifted girls grow up and realize they can always have academic challenge on their own, but the only thing that really matters is family and community. Your kids don’t live in a multigenerational house. Their criticisms about their childhood are likely things that would never be on your radar now. Give yourself some grace. 

[lmrich]

You are doing an  amazing job of trying  to  juggle it all. 

Are your parents able to  pay for dd's school until she graduates? If yes  - let them.  

If private school tuition is too much, what are  your daughter's hobbies? Would she feel enriched through dance classes or  a  soccer team? What else could she  do if you needed to homeschool her? (assuming your  parents could  pay for her enrichment activities) Could she do some online classes to get the academic rigor? 

Are you able to work part time or would you  be able to quit all together? 

Let the rest of it go. Your daughter is learning how to be an awesome parent through you. 

 

[heartlikealion]

I don't know. I always hear that third grade is a make it/break it year for reading (in our state they have a reading gate and many fail which means repeating the grade, unless they changed it) so I would be hesitant to rely on summer to keep your DS7 child on a certain level. Could your dd do some sort of online classes or something instead of FT private? How old is she? What kind of social interaction does she need? Is it being in class with others or just being able to see friends (maybe after school or in another program). If she was interested in staying home, maybe you wouldn't have to teach her much... if you outsource using Oak Meadow's leaning program or something? I looked into that one for ds with the option to pay someone else from the company to grade the work/give feedback. Depending on age, she might be in a good place to do Derek Owen's math programs.

 

[Harriet Vane]

Praise God for a loving family system. That is a rare gift in this world. Treasure it and treasure the contributions of the people who love you.

Let your parents pay the tuition. It's not a moral issue to accept help from people who love you and want to help. It's just a simply math equation--it takes time and money to have kids, and that goes tenfold for special needs kids.

If you lived in another culture or country, it might be completely normal for the whole family to live together and to contribute to raising the kids. Our hangups about help from extended family tend to be American hangups, not really reflective of our human needs or the human condition.

 

 

[Anne]

Let your parents pay tuition for your daughter.  As a grandparent myself, I know I would be delighted to help out in that way!!  Also, don’t underestimate the power of small things with your daughter - maybe a weekly coffee/hot chocolate date just for two of you, or whatever would be a bit special for the two of you.  This will remind her that she is special and important in your eyes, no matter what else is going on.

 

[regentrude]

Let your parents pay the tuition. (ETA: Your DH is an adult and can learn to manage his pride.)

I don't know if anybody has mentioned this yet: if possible, communicate with the "easy" child about the challenges their siblings pose and why you need to devote so much attention to DS7. Growing up with a special needs sibling can be very difficult for the "easy" child: adults tend to expect more understanding from the child than the she is capable of at her age, and the perception that the sibling always gets more attention can seriously damage the sibling relationship and the relationship with the parents. 
(... edited for privacy...)

Edited June 22, 2022 by regentrude

[freesia]

I agree with @regentrude  Make sure you are a safe place for her to complain sometimes. In my family, it was hard to be the one who had to put up with the meltdowns and I always felt I had to compromise to make things work. Personally I would send her to school on your situation. I think it is very hard to be sandwiched between two siblings with special needs. I think school can be a place where she gets a break. It sounds like her brother will need intense work which will also mean she’ll see him getting more of you during the day. Sending her can be a way to put her needs ahead in some ways. If you can set up a weekly date with her, that would also be good. 

[Lecka]

I think make sure to throw the easy kids some bones.  
 

I think being aware is the first step.

 

I think you took your daughter to Florida recently or tried to (I can’t quite remember).  Things like that go a long way I think.  
 

I also think look for things they can do outside your home.  Don’t keep them from doing things just because it’s not realistic for siblings.  This can be relatives, friends, activities, etc.  

[Lecka]

I also think if you look for a time in the day, even it it’s little, where you tie a little check in or time or something into a daily activity — you know you are checking in or having a little time focused on them every day.  I think that goes a long way, too.  

[Lecka]

I think that if you are using the family village a lot, you will have chances to pay back the family village over the years.  Your family is investing in your family and you can repay the investment over time.  

[Melissa in Australia]

You cannot. A child with complex disabilities is like a huge black hole sucking all the time and energy from the parents. Leaving hardly any for the other children. 

I have spent 6 years intensively helping my twin boys to learn to read. Twin 2 has only just now got the alphabet, and even then he is only right 70 percent of the time. He is still at begenning grade one on everything. And you know what has happened to my youngest 2 bio children. They have both left home. Grown up and gone. Both could have done with more help from me in their teen years, but I was too busy thinking that we are nearly there, nearly have the alphabet, nearly can add 3 plus 4, just a bit more effort on my part and we will have it.. All that time sucked away from my other children. All gone and the end result for twin 2 is what. .. Not able at 11 to even have basic functional reading. It is disheartening. 

 

All I am left with is what ifs .what if I had helped my daughter a little bit more, maybe she would have finished university instead of dropping  out at end of 3yd year.  What if I had helped Ds18 more maybe he wouldn't have been so disengaged from 14 to 17.

And all those hours and hours every single day spent on trying to help 2 boys with multiple disabilities and not getting anywhere at all. Cause it is looking increasingly like they have reached their threshold accidemically. 

Edited June 22, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[kbutton]

11 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

He works seven days a week between running a two person contracting business and being a paramedic supervisor. And he makes good money especially for our area.  But every time we start to get ahead, we get walloped with more medical bills.  we just can’t climb out of that.  But he struggles with feeling like he’s just not doing well enough because we can’t seem to get ahead.

My DH also makes good money, but our benefits have always been expensive, and there are always things not covered. I totally get this. I don't even want to know what my DS's recent medical circus bill is going to be, though I am sure we've hit all our maximums for everything at this point. 

11 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

It seems every time I turn around with DS7 we need to see another specialist.  Now it’s cardiology. And GI. We already see developmental peds, ortho and neuro.  He needs orthotics, which our insurance doesn’t cover. He doesn’t qualify for a Medicaid waiver because he doesn’t have a diagnosis, so we’re seeing genetics again. And now he has astigmatism so there’s more specialists.  
 

The real issue today is DD10 has been asking to get highlights in her hair, and the only available time for months at the salon was late this afternoon. But of course I work tonight, so I asked my sister in law to take her. Her aunt picked her up after the half day at school, went to lunch, they’re getting pedicures and then getting DD10’s hair done.  I’m taking DS7 to speech therapy and orthotics fitting then going to work for the overnight.  And I worry that someday she’ll feel like I picked the boys over her, which is not at all what I’m doing. 

Have you tried your state's vocational rehab? They do offer some thing very early--a friend's daughter got her glasses through vocational rehab when she needed a prism. They might pay for orthotics or special glasses.

I think you did well to get the appointment and to let her aunt take her. 

9 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I feel like I use the family village too much. 

Your family likely does not want to watch you struggle. It kills my parents sometimes to be 8+ hours away when stuff happens here. 

8 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

Praise God for a loving family system. That is a rare gift in this world. Treasure it and treasure the contributions of the people who love you.

Let your parents pay the tuition. It's not a moral issue to accept help from people who love you and want to help. It's just a simply math equation--it takes time and money to have kids, and that goes tenfold for special needs kids.

If you lived in another culture or country, it might be completely normal for the whole family to live together and to contribute to raising the kids. Our hangups about help from extended family tend to be American hangups, not really reflective of our human needs or the human condition.

This.

I agree with Lecka and regentrude as well.

I am sorry that all of the competing needs are really hitting all at once. I have been fortunate that our kids have (at least at the worst times) taken turns being disasters, but we are not outnumbered. Hang in there. We had family here for the first of our two recent hospital stays, and we had a lot of support from my older DS the last, and I still feel at times like I need to schedule myself a meltdown. 

You are doing a really good job while making difficult decisions. 

[SKL]

I'll add a suggestion to encourage your DD to be proud of her ability to be independent in some ways.  Try to spin it as positively as you can.

It's also important to give her some one-on-one positive attention, but I do believe quality > quantity in this regard.  Attending a one-hour cooking class together at a local organic foods store, going for a haircut just the two of you, letting her pick the movie you watch at home on your night off, ....  Really just listening to her describe a fun friend activity she had today, even just for 10 minutes at a time.  Telling her things you notice about her unique self - her preferences, what comes easy / difficult for her, things she's conquered recently.

One thing my kids liked was the following journal:  https://smile.amazon.com/Just-Between-Us-Daughter-No-Stress/dp/0811868958/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=1XNO6E7MBL0ZT&keywords=just+between+us&qid=1655878331&sprefix=just+between+us%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExWjZBS1Q1U0pOV1dMJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzg1MjU4MVJMQzE1T0JQWTJOUSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMzEzMzAzMUVUUlRUV1RYSVFNUiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

[DawnM]

21 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

We have some STEM day camps that DD could go to next year(too late this year).  She is doing a veterinary science camp next week which will be good for her.  
I looked into tutoring for DS7, but all the quotes were $70-100 hour which is steep for the limited benefit we’d get. DS7 needs a lot repetition to grasp a concept and then more repetition for mastery.  So even with tutoring we need to continue working on concepts daily.  Not necessarily worksheets, but I will cook with him or count sticks on nature walks(we’ve seen 3 sticks, look, there’s 4 over there, how many sticks have we seen now?) or whatever kind of fun things I can come up with for the concept we are working on. So while not really hard to do, it is time consuming. But it needs to be daily for him. DH is more than happy to work with him on worksheets on his days home with the kids, but I still need to plan everything out and then modify it for DS7. I have a master’s in special Ed and that’s also why paying a tutor $100 to do what I can do also kind of rankles.

My parents will pay for DD’s private school if I ask.  DH is funny about it.  There’s a pretty significant wealth disparity between our families now, even though I was truly poor growing up. But his parents save us so much money by providing overnight childcare, and my parents can’t do childcare but are happy to help out financially.  But DH would really struggle with letting them pay for it. They sometimes grab medical bills off my desk if they’re here and pay them(high deductible and medically complex child—last year we had around $30,000 in medical bills we paid for) and DH feels like he’s a bad provider when they do that, but I also know they’re financially able and want to.  I could also take it out of my 401K if push really came to shove. 
I just feel like I can’t win. To be fair, my mental health is zero right now and I’m sure I’m catastrophizing too.

Please do not take out your 401k.   For MANY reasons.  

Could your parents "gift" you the $$ and then your DH wouldn't feel like it is a charity?   Each parent can give each of you up to $15k and it will not be gift taxed.    Would your parents be on board with a work around deal saying they just wanted to gift you some $$?   

[lmrich]

Just  an FYI... When I  worked at a private school,  I was good  friends with  the  bookkeeper.  She commented that so  many grandparents paid tuition. In fact,  I  swear she said it  was  like half of the population had  grandparents contributing or paying all. She told me this because I  was in  charge of the grandparent's  day  performance - the second  of three that year. 

[LucyStoner]

23 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My parents will pay for DD’s private school if I ask.  DH is funny about it.  There’s a pretty significant wealth disparity between our families now, even though I was truly poor growing up. But his parents save us so much money by providing overnight childcare, and my parents can’t do childcare but are happy to help out financially.  But DH would really struggle with letting them pay for it. They sometimes grab medical bills off my desk if they’re here and pay them(high deductible and medically complex child—last year we had around $30,000 in medical bills we paid for) and DH feels like he’s a bad provider when they do that, but I also know they’re financially able and want to.  I could also take it out of my 401K if push really came to shove. 
 

A lot of kids in private school have grandparents footing the bill.  A LOT.  I know parents who are truly quite affluent where grandma or grandpa foots the bill either because they want to or they have the money and it’s advantageous for them to transfer it that way vs. after death. If it’s truly what is best for your kid and your parents are able and willing, I think it’s easier for your husband to swallow his pride/shift his perspective than it would be for either of your kids to proceed with schooling options which do not work for them.  Could your husband learn to see it as a blessing or a way to let the grandparents feel good about themselves?  Or that it’s a good estate planning tool since it’s a gift they can make tax free?   Or perhaps that it’s just a well timed advance on your guy’s inheritance?  

[Ting Tang]

My in-law's gift their children money for tax-planning/estate purposes.  If the grandparents can well afford to commit to the tuition and are happy to help, that sounds fantastic.  Otherwise, it sounds like you may need to homeschool the younger child and the one who needs to leave PS.  Is it at all possible that the one won't fall through the cracks and you'd have even more time with her if you homeschooled her?  Or does the 7 year old need constant supervision and one-on-one time with an adult all day long?  Maybe questions to ask yourself, which you probably have.  If you homeschool her, I would find an extracurricular for her for socialization, one where maybe you can drop her off and let her make friends.  

So sorry.  It is hard having a big family, and I am sure working full time makes it even harder for you, especially with children who need specialized education.  

 

 

[SKL]

3 hours ago, lmrich said:

Just  an FYI... When I  worked at a private school,  I was good  friends with  the  bookkeeper.  She commented that so  many grandparents paid tuition. In fact,  I  swear she said it  was  like half of the population had  grandparents contributing or paying all. She told me this because I  was in  charge of the grandparent's  day  performance - the second  of three that year. 

That is a good point.  It might help sway Ms. T's husband to accept it.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

My dad is talking to DH.  He’s framing it as they can gift us the money or put it in an education account as a tax write off. My dad dearly loves tax write offs.

My parents can easily afford to pay private school tuition through her graduation.  I am sure they’ve given my siblings money over the years and they like things to be as equal as possible, anyway.

DS7 needs 1:1 almost constantly.  There are a lot of issues at play, but he and DS12 are constantly vying for attention and they truly just both need a lot of it.  At the very least DS7 needs to be constantly line of sight supervised.  There aren’t behavior issues as much as cognitively not understanding basic danger signals and getting into things that you’d expect from a much younger child.  

[Ting Tang]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My dad is talking to DH.  He’s framing it as they can gift us the money or put it in an education account as a tax write off. My dad dearly loves tax write offs.

My parents can easily afford to pay private school tuition through her graduation.  I am sure they’ve given my siblings money over the years and they like things to be as equal as possible, anyway.

DS7 needs 1:1 almost constantly.  There are a lot of issues at play, but he and DS12 are constantly vying for attention and they truly just both need a lot of it.  At the very least DS7 needs to be constantly line of sight supervised.  There aren’t behavior issues as much as cognitively not understanding basic danger signals and getting into things that you’d expect from a much younger child.  

Well, private school sounds like a feasible option!  Maybe for time with your other child, another adult can take over.  AND I hope at some point, you get some time to yourself every so often!

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I am really fortunate as far as stable, mentally healthy and supportive family goes.  My in laws are happy to babysit even 50 hours a week if necessary. They don’t understand all of our gentle parenting methods but try very hard to discipline and care for the children as we would want.  My SIL and her husband cannot have children and pour into mine.  They make every baseball game, every recital, every school ceremony no matter how minor.   SIL is more than happy to step in and do mom stuff, like taking DD to get her hair highlighted or take one of the boys to the park for the afternoon to fly their drone.  BIL is on the spectrum as well and tries hard to be a good role model for DS12, explicitly trying to take him out in the community and teach some social skills and emotional regulation that he remembers struggling with as a teen. They are good role models.   My niece and nephews are going through a really hard family time and my in-laws have all swooped in and surrounded them with love and time too. They are just genuinely nice people and I am really glad my kids, and even my nieces and nephews(I have two other nieces and nephew in a hard family life too and my in laws have driven four hours to attend all their graduations and recitals as well, just trying to show what kind of family I married into lol) have such love and warmth.  They’re Christians, and their faith is the underpinning to everything, without ever proselytizing.  It’s really just living out what they believe, but it’s very foreign to me and even after 13 years I feel like I’m taking advantage.

I just struggle with needing the help. DH worked out a budget where I could drop to one 24 hour shift a week in the fall(he thinks I need to continue working to take a break) but truthfully, we both know that won’t work once the pediatric cardiology bills for DS7 start rolling in.  But he’s trying so hard to give me hope.  
My mom’s complaints about her growing up in a rather enmeshed inter generational family, and feeling like she had three moms, just keep ringing in my ears.  She can be very critical of how much I work, too, though I know why and I know she’s working on that in therapy.  But it doesn’t stop ringing in my ears.

Edited June 22, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[heartlikealion]

@Mrs TiggywinkleI just saw that your parents are able to pay for the private school. Perhaps to balance their help with your dh's desire to be provider, you could compromise on a certain portion rather than 100%? $30k in medical bills is crazy, so sorry to hear that. 

[Harriet Vane]

I grew up in an enmeshed family, too. On the one hand, I know aaaaaallllll the dysfunction and have some totally legitimate grievances from difficulties I had to shoulder in my unhappy family. On the other hand, I am so very, very grateful to my grandmother especially for all she did and tried to do. And I am grateful for the imperfect efforts of my aunts and uncles--it was often too little, too late, but on the other hand, it was often genuinely helpful and I thank God for those times. Real life is sticky and difficult and messy. There are no perfect choices nor perfect people. I believe that what prevails are the love and the acts motivated by love. From what you describe, your children are deeply loved. Thank God for your stable, mentally healthy and supportive family. 

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My dad is talking to DH.  He’s framing it as they can gift us the money or put it in an education account as a tax write off. My dad dearly loves tax write offs.

My parents can easily afford to pay private school tuition through her graduation.  I am sure they’ve given my siblings money over the years and they like things to be as equal as possible, anyway.

DS7 needs 1:1 almost constantly.  There are a lot of issues at play, but he and DS12 are constantly vying for attention and they truly just both need a lot of it.  At the very least DS7 needs to be constantly line of sight supervised.  There aren’t behavior issues as much as cognitively not understanding basic danger signals and getting into things that you’d expect from a much younger child.  

I really think putting her in the Private school would be best and as to your youngest, if he isn't going to get to get good special ed, I think homeschooling has to be looked at hard-especially if he needs so many appointments.

None of my three had anything as serious as your youngest.  But between all the medical appointments I needed, and each of my kids needed- because they all had multiple medical issues, plus the hassles of getting referrals for specialists, haggling with billing and insurance, etc.- there was no way I could not be homeschooling them---they were all 2E if not more.  And highly gifted really need special opportunities just like developmentally disabled.  

[mommyoffive]

13 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I grew up in an enmeshed family, too. On the one hand, I know aaaaaallllll the dysfunction and have some totally legitimate grievances from difficulties I had to shoulder in my unhappy family. On the other hand, I am so very, very grateful to my grandmother especially for all she did and tried to do. And I am grateful for the imperfect efforts of my aunts and uncles--it was often too little, too late, but on the other hand, it was often genuinely helpful and I thank God for those times. Real life is sticky and difficult and messy. There are no perfect choices nor perfect people. I believe that what prevails are the love and the acts motivated by love. From what you describe, your children are deeply loved. Thank God for your stable, mentally healthy and supportive family. 

Yeah I think like with everything there are pros and cons on everything. 

I grew up with a single mom.  Dad ran out before I was even born.  He showed up for a lunch once and that was it.  No child support.  Nothing my entire life.  A small portion of my mom's family was close and help out our family.  Grandparents and one sister and her dh.  I never met anyone from my dad's side either. 

Now I am raising my kids without any family nearby.  We only end up seeing my family a few times a year.  They life 1.5 hours away one way. They can't do the trip here anymore.  When the kids were little those trips were hell because I had a few needy babies that hated riding in a car.  It was just very taxing.  Now that the kids are older and can do that easily, the adult family members are really elderly except one.   So they don't really want us to come visit and stay a whole day.  Wears them out.  It is hard to have 0 support.  Really hard. I think back to when all the kids were little and I ask dh, how did I do that?    I regret moving to a different state and never thought we would live her forever.  It would have been some dysfunction moving closer, but sometimes that dysfunction is worth dealing with.  

[Arcadia]

Regarding the family village, my side of the family considers helping out good karma (buddhist, taoist, agnostic) or blessings (Catholic, Methodist).

Regarding large cash gifts, my parents said to just treat them as cash advances for my inheritance. They rather give now while the need is great than when they are dead. For example, my teens aren’t competitive for our state universities so the money they gave (and will give) will help with private university cost. My mom passed recently and my dad has pension so they can disburse some of their savings without worries.

[kbutton]

55 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

They are just genuinely nice people and I am really glad my kids, and even my nieces and nephews(I have two other nieces and nephew in a hard family life too and my in laws have driven four hours to attend all their graduations and recitals as well, just trying to show what kind of family I married into lol) have such love and warmth.  They’re Christians, and their faith is the underpinning to everything, without ever proselytizing.  It’s really just living out what they believe, but it’s very foreign to me and even after 13 years I feel like I’m taking advantage.

I just struggle with needing the help. DH worked out a budget where I could drop to one 24 hour shift a week in the fall(he thinks I need to continue working to take a break) but truthfully, we both know that won’t work once the pediatric cardiology bills for DS7 start rolling in.  But he’s trying so hard to give me hope.  
My mom’s complaints about her growing up in a rather enmeshed inter generational family, and feeling like she had three moms, just keep ringing in my ears.  She can be very critical of how much I work, too, though I know why and I know she’s working on that in therapy.  But it doesn’t stop ringing in my ears.

I would take the help as it seems like the best of both worlds--you can keep a foot in the working world for a break (and flexibility, etc.), and you won't drown in bills if you have the help.

We make it ONLY because our state subsidizes scholarships for kids who are not a good fit in a regular school program. I have no idea what things would be like without those funds. Even then, any work I do in the next four years (assuming my younger son's school placement works!) will need to be part-time or seasonal because there is currently no way for my son to get to school and back home unless I drive him. We have no family close by, or they would help work that out. It kills them that they can't help.

It is hard to feel like you need help. I get that.

I don't think that what your mom describes is what is happening if you accept help. I will also say that even without enmeshment, sometimes parents can't prevent every kind of potential problem from affecting one's growing up experience. It's normal.

Your kids have multiple people investing in them--most of the time when I hear complaints such as "three moms" it's either the actual mother not putting in boundaries or else it's that every adult henpecks. I don't think you're doing either one or that it sounds like you have henpecky adults around. For instance, my kids generally know who they report to for what when we have outside therapies and tutoring. One of my kids is better at picking up on this than another, but in all fairness, his tutor has been more wishy-washy about stuff. It's a dance, but my kids are okay as long as I am not intentionally letting them be in limbo with who to report to for what. I am confident you will not fall into a trap of "three moms." Truly. I had a grandmother that was really grandma-ish when we were little, but when other cousins came along suddenly morphed back into mom mode--my parents talked about it a lot with us. We had to balance how things were in her home when she was hostess vs. the parent role, but as long as they didn't ignore that dynamic, it was fine. Really. 

I say go for it with $ help and the kindness of others, and then play the hand the best you can until it looks like it's not working. I think it leaves you with the most ability to adjust over time if things change, but I could be missing something. 

[SKL]

I know you have thought it all through, but I am wondering if having both of your sons in b&m school could provide the needed structure and supervision, while still allowing you to spend some time teaching your youngest at home.  If you could give your youngest between 1 and 2 hours of tutoring at home each day, that might actually end up more manageable than having to give him 100% supervision through all his waking hours.

[DreamerGirl]

With respect to the family village and multi-generational family, I grew up in one. My grandparents almost had as much a role shaping me as my parents. It was difficult at times because it was like you had 4 parents instead of 2 as a kid, but when I was an adult I learned to appreciate that so much that I re-created it with my inlaws and parents for my kids. DH came from a similar background. It is not without it's challenges but for the children, 100% positive and a great benefit. There have been times in my life DH and I were unable to parent well due to pregnancy and infant loss. But they more than made up for that role and DS remembers that period fondly instead of being scarred.

Please do not feel guilty. Raising children is shared in many cultures by family members. You can only do so much and there is nothing wrong with a loving grandparent being part of raising a child. The child benefits enormously and I say that as someone who lived that.

[katilac]

Do you have, or expect to have, substantial medical bills this year? If they are clustered around the hospital, a payment plan is the way to go. When you owe a substantial amount, you walk into the billing office and ask how much would they settle for in exchange for immediate payment. 

It could be very worth your while to do this, even if you have to make payments on tuition instead of paying outright. If the numbers are big enough, it might work for other providers as well. 

[katilac]

As to balancing needs, I often think of the book The Irreducible Needs of Children. Seven are listed: the need for ongoing nurturing relationships; the need for physical protection, safety and regulation; the need for experiences tailored to individual differences; the need for developmentally appropriate experiences; the need for limit-setting, structure, and expectations; the need for stable, supportive communities and cultural continuity; and the need to protect the future.

I think it's helpful to keep these broader principles in mind when deciding how to balance kids' needs. One child might genuinely require more time and resources, and/or a parent may have a job that requires travel or a lot of work hours.  All of the children still have an irreducible need to for a strong relationship with the parent(s) and time with the parent(s), and a genuine need to be put first sometimes, and acknowledged when they're not.  

That might look like spending much more of the day with the high-needs child, but meeting another child at the bus stop each day and walking and talking a bit alone. Driving a child to an activity each week, and making a tradition of stopping for a snack together on the way home. Having tea time and a read aloud when the other child is at an activity or a therapy. Ideally a regularly recurring event, with something attached to make it memorable/special. 

Parents who work a lot might Facetime every day, and send some texts and memes in between. They might have a special notebook used to write messages back and forth. They might ask the child to take a selfie before school and send it every day. 

Basically, if time is at a premium, then some deliberate and recurring connections are needed. It could be a hundred different things. 

Looking at options like the private school or other ways to accommodate academics helps serve the individual differences need, and so on. I just think it's a handy list to work through when you're overwhelmed. How, within the context of my circumstances, can I fulfill this particular need? 

[DreamerGirl]

I wanted to say more about having reservations, but had to leave briefly. It is absolutely not easy giving up control of parenting and I had a new respect for my parents and DH for his.

We are currently having both inlaws and parents visit. Together. Usually they visit 6 months at a time separately. But now all 4 of them are here. I will be honest, it is challenging and overwhelming at times. But both DH and I remember how much upset we both were when we were unexpectedly faced with the fact that they may never come back. So we remember that when there are challenges. But the children are so happy. 

Due to the unexpected health challenges, they and both DH and I wanted them to visit once more. Probably be the last time and especially for DD they also wanted to do it because she is little and does not have the same memories of them DS has. They used to FaceTime regularly to teach her our language and spend time with her, but it is just not the same as memories with grandparents.

It is not easy for DH or me but just seeing the joy of both DS and DD is worth all of it. 

They used to put their lives on hold for 6 months of each year so they would bond with our children. Both DH and I wanted that. Both grandparents invest in our children. Despite the challenges, I would not have it any other way.

Have boundaries and communicate, it will not be easy but your children will be loved and will be invested in by people who love them almost as much you do and that is worth something. 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

58 minutes ago, katilac said:

Do you have, or expect to have, substantial medical bills this year? If they are clustered around the hospital, a payment plan is the way to go. When you owe a substantial amount, you walk into the billing office and ask how much would they settle for in exchange for immediate payment. 

It could be very worth your while to do this, even if you have to make payments on tuition instead of paying outright. If the numbers are big enough, it might work for other providers as well. 

Mostly specialists, in one hospital system, but they bill separately. So we get billed from the hospital basically for the space and then we get a provider bill.  We already have payment plans set up but really even if we just do payment plans, there is always likely to be more piled on top every year.  It’s also different kids, though mostly DS7, and me, so it’s all billed separately.

Between my medical bills and DS7, I expect to hit our $14,000 family deductible every year for the indefinite future.  I don’t even know what our out of pocket maximum is, but it’s high. And for this we pay $120 a week. 
 

[Longtime Lurker]

23 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

You cannot. A child with complex disabilities is like a huge black hole sucking all the time and energy from the parents. Leaving hardly any for the other children. 

I have spent 6 years intensively helping my twin boys to learn to read. Twin 2 has only just now got the alphabet, and even then he is only right 70 percent of the time. He is still at begenning grade one on everything. And you know what has happened to my youngest 2 bio children. They have both left home. Grown up and gone. Both could have done with more help from me in their teen years, but I was too busy thinking that we are nearly there, nearly have the alphabet, nearly can add 3 plus 4, just a bit more effort on my part and we will have it.. All that time sucked away from my other children. All gone and the end result for twin 2 is what. .. Not able at 11 to even have basic functional reading. It is disheartening. 

 

All I am left with is what ifs .what if I had helped my daughter a little bit more, maybe she would have finished university instead of dropping  out at end of 3yd year.  What if I had helped Ds18 more maybe he wouldn't have been so disengaged from 14 to 17.

And all those hours and hours every single day spent on trying to help 2 boys with multiple disabilities and not getting anywhere at all. Cause it is looking increasingly like they have reached their threshold accidemically. 

You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. I am really working on letting go of regrets that I have based on not being able to see the future...