Declining Invitations without Ruining Relationships

[barnwife]

We were invited to a Thanksgiving get together. I replied, "Thanks, but we will be celebrating in (name of our city)!" I left it at that, figuring the hosts would understand that my position on avoiding indoor gatherings hasn't changed. But I just received an email invite to a Christmas get-together. They always feel like we never celebrate Christmas with them. Which, to be fair, is kind of true. But that's because we live 3 hours away. And I refuse to do that much driving on Christmas. Also, I have very strong feelings on our children waking up in their beds and us celebrating as a family/attending church that morning. (Note: I know many people celebrate in other ways/on different days. That's great; it's just not what we want for our family.) So because said hosts often insist on the gathering being on Christmas itself, we inevitably decline. 

Well, this year, they are willing to host on a couple of other days. For them, the pandemic is over (heck, it never started). I am of a much different persuasion. Therefore, I will be declining again. And it's going to be A Thing. I don't see a way around that. 

Anyone want to write my email declining said invitation that hopefully won't ruin family relationships? 
 

[Amy Gen]

I would try to word it, like, “You may think this is silly, and I realize that everything would probably be alright, but I don’t want to take the risk of getting your family sick. Can we get a rain check to celebrate together at a later date?”

You aren’t lying about the reason you can’t go, but you also aren’t calling them a moron for choosing differently. Hopefully you wouldn’t lose friends over that. 

[MercyA]

Thanks so much for the invitation! We’d love to see you, but we’re not doing indoor gatherings right now [optional: due to the pandemic]. If we could set up a Zoom call on [x date], I’m sure the kids would really enjoy it! Please give everyone our love.

Much love (or "love you," or, "blessings" or whatever pleasant and affection thing you say),

barnwife

Keep it short in length but warm in tone. You don't have to explain anything or be apologetic. A friendly "not this time" will suffice. Hugs to you.

Edited December 7, 2020 by MercyA

[Katy]

"Our children's doctor said we need to avoid traveling for holidays this year."

[gardenmom5]

we are so sorry we won't be able to join you this year - we absolutely do not wish to risk giving you covid.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that they are compromising here, date wise, and it’s probably going to be taken like “Wow, they just don’t want to come at all” when you turn this down.  I can see why it is tricky.

How about:

Dear (family members),

We are so excited at the prospect of being able to celebrate Christmas with you on 12/27 this year!  If it were any other year, we would jump at this chance, and my answer would be Wow, thank you so much, what can we bring and how can we help?

But this year we are still convicted of the need to be very cautious about COVID.  We have been sheltering in place and avoiding any gatherings completely, as I think you might remember, and very unfortunately don’t feel that we can stop doing so this month, even for Christmas.  

We very much hope and pray that by next summer things will be different.  Maybe we can do a ‘Christmas In July’ gathering this year, God willing.  For now, we must decline, with great regret.

Love, 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Amy Gen said:

I would try to word it, like, “You may think this is silly, and I realize that everything would probably be alright, but I don’t want to take the risk of getting your family sick. Can we get a rain check to celebrate together at a later date?”

You aren’t lying about the reason you can’t go, but you also aren’t calling them a moron for choosing differently. Hopefully you wouldn’t lose friends over that. 

You can refrain from calling them a moron without kind of calling yourself silly, though. I'd be straightforward. I like Mercy's answer: We'd love to see you, but we're not doing indoor gatherings. And then an offer to do a Zoom call or something else. That's it. No long explanations, no apologetic or self-deprecating wording. We're not doing indoor gatherings, so we can't come. 

OP, you cannot control their reaction. If they make it A Thing, that's on them. The cynical side of me wonders why they are suddenly willing to celebrate on a different day - because they know you won't be comfortable with it. You'll either decline and they get to present themselves as the good guys (we were willing to celebrate on a different day!), or you go and they know you are uncomfortable about it. 

Thanks so much for the invite, we're not doing indoor gatherings, let's do X, Y, or Z instead. 

 

 

[Shoeless]

If it's going to be A Thing no matter what you do, you might as well do what works best for you.  I like Mercy's answer. Keep it short, positive, and offer to Zoom with them.  You aren't the one ruining the relationship. If they pitch a fit, they are the one ruining it. That's unfortunate, but it's not your fault. 

Sympathy! We've had relatives get sniffy because we declined invites. I'm like a broken record "That sounds fun, but we aren't socializing indoors until we are all vaccinated." Repeat as often as needed. 

[J-rap]

We're running into a little of this ourselves.  I'd be brief and polite:  "What a great invite!  As much as we'd love to do that, we're being cautious this year due to Covid.  Let's hope that next year things will be back to normal.  We really miss you guys!!"

[barnwife]

8 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that they are compromising here, date wise, and it’s probably going to be taken like “Wow, they just don’t want to come at all” when you turn this down.  I can see why it is tricky.

 

This is very true. I fully acknowledge they are compromising. And I have always said that I would make being there a priority if the gathering wasn't on Christmas...I just didn't know that would happen in conjunction with a pandemic! (There was one other year, but there ended up being a snowstorm, so we didn't make it then either.) 

Also, I knew I liked the Hive. You can post a question before bed and wake up to helpful responses. It's helping to hear from people who aren't emotionally invested. I am probably going to use ideas from a few of you. 

"What a great invite! We'd love to zoom with whomever gathers. Let us know when the details are decided. We really miss you guys!"

I torn about adding something about avoiding indoor gatherings. On the one hand, it explains why we are declining when they are compromising. On the other hand, we clearly think about CV19 very differently, and I don't want to get into that. Neither of us are going to change our minds, you know? So perhaps it's better to just avoid it...Thanks for all the ideas, ladies!

[MEmama]

I’m in the keep it short and sweet camp. No apologies, no asking forgiveness. Everyone knows there is a raging pandemic and how they deal with it isn’t on you. 

[fairfarmhand]

20 minutes ago, barnwife said:

This is very true. I fully acknowledge they are compromising. And I have always said that I would make being there a priority if the gathering wasn't on Christmas...I just didn't know that would happen in conjunction with a pandemic! (There was one other year, but there ended up being a snowstorm, so we didn't make it then either.) 

Also, I knew I liked the Hive. You can post a question before bed and wake up to helpful responses. It's helping to hear from people who aren't emotionally invested. I am probably going to use ideas from a few of you. 

"What a great invite! We'd love to zoom with whomever gathers. Let us know when the details are decided. We really miss you guys!"

I torn about adding something about avoiding indoor gatherings. On the one hand, it explains why we are declining when they are compromising. On the other hand, we clearly think about CV19 very differently, and I don't want to get into that. Neither of us are going to change our minds, you know? So perhaps it's better to just avoid it...Thanks for all the ideas, ladies!

Well, including “we’re not doing any indoor gatherings” makes it clear that it’s not THEM, it’s the times we live in. So you won’t be doing ANY Christmas parties, not jut theirs.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I would probably skip the part about risking giving them Covid. My parents and in-laws are not cautious at all and that’s not because they believe Covid is a fake; it’s because they don’t care if they catch it and don’t go enough places to be concerned about passing it onto someone else(in fact my MIL has no had Covid) . I’ve said in other threads that my very elderly and frail grandmother is adamant that she not be isolated from her family; her argument is that her life span is short anyway and a year apart from those she loves is far too long.  If we decided not to spend Christmas with any of them because we were concerned about making them sick, that would definitely cause hurt feelings.  If they aren’t concerned, they’d argue we shouldn’t be either.

I’d leave it solely at “we aren’t doing indoor gatherings.”

[Garga]

I’m another one in the “keep it brief” camp.  No long explanation. Don’t even use the word covid.  Just “we’re not going to any indoor gatherings at this time.” They’ll know why, so no need to talk about it.  Somehow even saying the word “covid” riles people up. So just keep it short.  

[Acadie]

Another vote for @MercyA's approach!

Short, sweet in proposing an alternative way to connect, respectful of yourselves and others. 

[wintermom]

"I just had a baby. I'm staying put this year. Merry Christmas"

If they are so self-centered that they don't understand, then you have my permission to 'ruin' this relationship. 😉

Edited December 7, 2020 by wintermom

[JustEm]

2 hours ago, barnwife said:

This is very true. I fully acknowledge they are compromising. And I have always said that I would make being there a priority if the gathering wasn't on Christmas...I just didn't know that would happen in conjunction with a pandemic! (There was one other year, but there ended up being a snowstorm, so we didn't make it then either.) 

Also, I knew I liked the Hive. You can post a question before bed and wake up to helpful responses. It's helping to hear from people who aren't emotionally invested. I am probably going to use ideas from a few of you. 

"What a great invite! We'd love to zoom with whomever gathers. Let us know when the details are decided. We really miss you guys!"

I torn about adding something about avoiding indoor gatherings. On the one hand, it explains why we are declining when they are compromising. On the other hand, we clearly think about CV19 very differently, and I don't want to get into that. Neither of us are going to change our minds, you know? So perhaps it's better to just avoid it...Thanks for all the ideas, ladies!

Please don't avoid it. We are currently dealing with relatives who have seemed to take that approach and it is very hurtful to us.  Especially, when we hear that their approach to it all seems to change as new situations pop up but we still don't know what their comfort level is.  To me it all seems so intentional that they are keeping us specifically in the dark, where previously we had a good relationship. So, because they won't be upfront about it I'm left wondering if this is actually covid related or something more serious in regards to our relationship.

[theelfqueen]

In general... declining an invitation doesnt call for an explanation "thank you for the kind invitation, we appreciate you thinking of us but we won't be able to join you this time." If you'd like suggest a facetime/video call at a convenient time for you ...  Change of subject, pass the bean dip... turn the convo back to being about them. People like to talk about themselves.  " I heard the light display in your town this year is amazing - have you guys seen that yet? "

[sassenach]

Nice sandwich it:

NICE: Wow, it's so kind of you guys to think of us and thoughtful of you to be so flexible with the dates.

HARD: Sadly, this just isn't a year of travel for our family. We have decided to cozy up at home for the season.

NICE: Again, we love you and really appreciate the effort you put into getting us together. Let's make a plan for the summer. Maybe a [lake, beach, river- whatever you have available] day? 

Merry Christmas!

[JustEm]

56 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

In general... declining an invitation doesnt call for an explanation "thank you for the kind invitation, we appreciate you thinking of us but we won't be able to join you this time." If you'd like suggest a facetime/video call at a convenient time for you ...  Change of subject, pass the bean dip... turn the convo back to being about them. People like to talk about themselves.  " I heard the light display in your town this year is amazing - have you guys seen that yet? "

I think when multiple dates are being thrown out there as possible days to see each other not giving any explanation is rude. 

[Amy Gen]

11 hours ago, katilac said:

You can refrain from calling them a moron without kind of calling yourself silly

Agreed. That is why I said, “YOU may think this is silly.”

I have a dear friend who wants to visit me. I just told her, “My doctor hasn’t released me to visit with anyone indoors.” I didn’t feel any need to be self deprecating. But that is because I trust her. She absolutely will not take it the wrong way. I didn’t think that was the kind of relationship that the OP has with the hosts. She also specified that she wants to maintain the friendship. 
 

I have a pretty forceful personality in real life.  I’ve found that opening tricky conversations with disclaimers “I may be wrong about this...” “This is just my opinion...” , “I know you may disagree...” are very helpful in putting the other person at ease enough to actually hear what I’m about to say. 
 

I agree that it totally may not be needed in this situation, but tensions concerning how Covid careful families are being are running high, so if I knew the friends were extra sensitive I would want to set a light, accepting tone right off the bat. 
 

I think the OP has gotten great advice, and has a plan for the conversation that is much better than my idea. 
 

 

[J-rap]

2 minutes ago, Amy Gen said:

Agreed. That is why I said, “YOU may think this is silly.”

I have a dear friend who wants to visit me. I just told her, “My doctor hasn’t released me to visit with anyone indoors.” I didn’t feel any need to be self deprecating. But that is because I trust her. She absolutely will not take it the wrong way. I didn’t think that was the kind of relationship that the OP has with the hosts. She also specified that she wants to maintain the friendship. 
 

I have a pretty forceful personality in real life.  I’ve found that opening tricky conversations with disclaimers “I may be wrong about this...” “This is just my opinion...” , “I know you may disagree...” are very helpful in putting the other person at ease enough to actually hear what I’m about to say. 
 

I agree that it totally may not be needed in this situation, but tensions concerning how Covid careful families are being are running high, so if I knew the friends were extra sensitive I would want to set a light, accepting tone right off the bat. 
 

I think the OP has gotten great advice, and has a plan for the conversation that is much better than my idea. 
 

 

I agree this is tricky at times!  For sure I'd prefer to just be blunt.  🙂  But if it's someone whose relationship is important to you, I've learned you sometimes have to choose your words very carefully, and the wording can make all the difference.  If the only thing your words do is cause defensiveness to kick in, it can do more harm than good.  But those disclaimers right at the start can set the stage differently. 

[73349]

We are saying, "We're not doing anything indoors with anybody except our household, except medical and dental appointments." It's not that we don't want to see them, but will only visit with people either outdoors & masked or via video call. I agree with PPs that offering to set up a Zoom call should help.

[saraha]

12 hours ago, katilac said:

OP, you cannot control their reaction. If they make it A Thing, that's on them. The cynical side of me wonders why they are suddenly willing to celebrate on a different day - because they know you won't be comfortable with it. You'll either decline and they get to present themselves as the good guys (we were willing to celebrate on a different day!), or you go and they know you are uncomfortable about it. 

This would absolutely be my mother

[ScoutTN]

I like Mercy's reply. 

Also, if this damages the relationship, that is NOT your fault. They can choose otherwise. You are not responsible for their attitudes and actions. 

[Pam in CT]

You know the relationship -- whether the message is better by text/email, vs a real live phone conversation, vs a snail mail message on a pretty card.  And whether Less is More, as is sometimes the case, vs a lot of carefully worded wrap-around.

Their willingness to be flexible about the date signals they care about the relationship. Your recognition of that flexibility signals that you care about the relationship. If there's one silver lining in all the ghastliness of all of 2020, it's how much the preciousness of relationships has been highlighted.

Personally I think I'd be inclined to call, and then be as succinct as possible, something like "thank you so  much for trying to include us, and for trying to juggle the dates.  We so regret that we won't be able to celebrate with anyone beyond our immediate family this year. Next year may we all be together in person."  The sandwich-

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

Nice sandwich it:

NICE: Wow, it's so kind of you guys to think of us and thoughtful of you to be so flexible with the dates.

HARD: Sadly, this just isn't a year of travel for our family. We have decided to cozy up at home for the season.

NICE: Again, we love you and really appreciate the effort you put into getting us together. Let's make a plan for the summer. Maybe a [lake, beach, river- whatever you have available] day? 

Merry Christmas!

 

(and then, God willing, I would really try next year to be willing to make the trek / ease up on usual traditions for particular days / otherwise be flexible once we're on the other side of all this.)

[prairiewindmomma]

1 hour ago, Carolina Wren said:

We are saying, "We're not doing anything indoors with anybody except our household, except medical and dental appointments." It's not that we don't want to see them, but will only visit with people either outdoors & masked or via video call. I agree with PPs that offering to set up a Zoom call should help.

This is us. Only we aren’t doing anything with anyone, period. Here’s what we are saying! 
 

“Thanks so much for the invitation! We have been sheltering in at home, on doctor’s orders, and going out only for medical appointments. We miss you and would love to see you. Do you want to set something up on Zoom?” 

[HS Mom in NC]

 It's rude of someone to expect an explanation when they aren't owed one. If you offer an explanation to someone who isn't owed one, you send the wrong signals about the nature of the relationship and boundaries. Catering to their entitlement contributes to that problem.

Simply state you appreciate the invitation but you won't be attending and wish them a merry Christmas. Offer a video conference or call on speaker phone during their gathering if you and they genuinely want to. 

The pandemic isn't a secret and anyone hosting and issuing invitations for a gathering knows full well different people have different ideas about indoor gatherings in addition to all the other factors that play into whether or not people stay at home or join others.  In a way, it's insulting to them to play along pretending they don't already know it.  They'd have to be stupid to not know it, and we all know they aren't stupid.

By the time someone is an adult their parents should've taught them not to personalize everything or assume the worst.  If they didn't have parents who taught them they should've figured it out in young adulthood through basic observation skills. If they are still in some state of arrested development, leave it to a cognitive therapist to handle it. It's not your job to infantalize them. 

[theelfqueen]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

I think when multiple dates are being thrown out there as possible days to see each other not giving any explanation is rude. 

OP said the offerer is 3 hours away. I think that gives her more freedom in declining. Also, if the offerer KNOWS they are on different pages about covid - anything that opens discussion on that topic is likely to damage relationships. 

[SKL]

Tell them that some of your friends have Covid.  That will probably work its own magic.  [You don't have to specify whether they are IRL friends or online friends.]

Someone I know is having a Christmas party [not a family thing] because tradition.  I think it's a bad idea.  But tradition, and what will people think?

Then one of the invitees sent an email, declining to attend, and listing all the close people she knows who have or have recently had Corona.  Suddenly Party Lady is not so enthusiastic, and she's telling me to be careful.  😕

[prairiewindmomma]

My IRL situation has the person not taking Covid seriously even when close circle people are dying of Covid.

My elderly relative...her BFF’s son just died of Covid last week, her own nephew is in ICU and not expected to make it, her niece is quite ill (probably will be hospitalized this week), and she has many people who are in her social circle who are quite ill. She herself became symptomatic last Monday and did not cancel her party (inside, in her home) until Tuesday—the day it was due to be held. She then went to a family gathering Saturday and exposed my parents and my sister and her family. I am beyond apoplectic.

Seriously, don’t assume there is any rationality in their behavior.

[JustEm]

47 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

OP said the offerer is 3 hours away. I think that gives her more freedom in declining. Also, if the offerer KNOWS they are on different pages about covid - anything that opens discussion on that topic is likely to damage relationships. 

I'm not saying declining isn't ok. I'm saying declining without an explanation when the person is trying to be flexible with the dates would be rude. 

Plus, a response like this "I replied, "Thanks, but we will be celebrating in (name of our city)!" I left it at that, figuring the hosts would understand that my position on avoiding indoor gatherings hasn't changed" makes it really unclear where they still stand on indoor gatherings because it either means they are celebrating at home by themselves or they are celebrating with others in their city.  If the family interprets it the second way then their assumption that a non Christmas day celebration might be a possibility is valid. 

That is why I think not giving an explanation is rude, it makes things unclear. Plenty of people have changed their stance on gatherings in many different ways.  The only way people can be sure of where people stand is if they keep communication on the matter open. That doesn't have to mean ruining relationships.  

[mathnerd]

44 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

My IRL situation has the person not taking Covid seriously even when close circle people are dying of Covid.

My elderly relative...her BFF’s son just died of Covid last week, her own nephew is in ICU and not expected to make it, her niece is quite ill (probably will be hospitalized this week), and she has many people who are in her social circle who are quite ill. She herself became symptomatic last Monday and did not cancel her party (inside, in her home) until Tuesday—the day it was due to be held. She then went to a family gathering Saturday and exposed my parents and my sister and her family. I am beyond apoplectic.

Seriously, don’t assume there is any rationality in their behavior.

Some people actually think that if they do not look ill or if the other person does not look ill, then, they are all "clean" and can not have the virus and can not be asymptomatic and carrying covid. The concept of invisible virus droplets floating in the air is too abstract and really hard to grasp for these people. I know a few of them who argue why it is OK to have Friendly Relative drop in for a Friendly Chitchat because my family is experiencing the unthinkable situation of being subjected to our second SIP. In reality, we are fine, we will hunker down, we have books, we have netflix, we have board games, I can cook, we have unlimited internet and we have exercise options - but, that does not convince these people! They want to enter my home because they are "family and it is OK to see family anytime" and I am determined not to have that happen!

Edited December 7, 2020 by mathnerd

[theelfqueen]

I get what you're saying... I just don't think anyone declining an invitation ever owes anyone an explanation of their reasons for declining.

We have IBS in our household -not common knowledge outside our household-  so I do not feel the need to explain to others bathroom habits, health issues, etc and how they impact our decision to attend things, for example. I just decline when it won't work for us. Even when several times are offered, but especially when they would require travel... I don't feel my private reasons are someone else's business but this is a boundary setting that I had to LEARN. 

[katilac]

You know, I said I liked the simple response of "we're not doing indoor gatherings" but I think I've changed my mind, because it can be misinterpreted. I would not do a big indoor gathering, I would not do a long indoor gathering, but I am also not 100% at home except for doctor and grocery. If I told certain people that I wasn't doing indoor gatherings, they would immediately point out that I I have been inside my parents' house when one or both of my siblings have been present as well. So, for me, that would not be great wording, it would have to be something like "we're not traveling this year" or "we're skipping bigger get togethers." 

I just skipped a funeral repast for my uncle, a very big deal in my extended family. Indoors, food and drink, many people from multiple different areas laughing, talking, crying for an extended period of time. The uncle in question was in his 80s and his surviving siblings are mostly late 70s to 80s. He was cremated, there was no visitation, I really do not understand why they felt compelled to do this. They would have had something more private. Just his kids and their families would have been 11 people, the extended family is a ridiculous number. 

7 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Well, including “we’re not doing any indoor gatherings” makes it clear that it’s not THEM, it’s the times we live in. So you won’t be doing ANY Christmas parties, not jut theirs.

See the first part of this post - she will just want to be careful with wording if she is seeing anyone she doesn't live with. Some people are going to equate a quick visit with your parents to their large and lengthy Christmas party otherwise. 

3 hours ago, Amy Gen said:

Agreed. That is why I said, “YOU may think this is silly.”

I have a dear friend who wants to visit me. I just told her, “My doctor hasn’t released me to visit with anyone indoors.” I didn’t feel any need to be self deprecating. But that is because I trust her. She absolutely will not take it the wrong way. I didn’t think that was the kind of relationship that the OP has with the hosts. She also specified that she wants to maintain the friendship. 
 

I have a pretty forceful personality in real life.  I’ve found that opening tricky conversations with disclaimers “I may be wrong about this...” “This is just my opinion...” , “I know you may disagree...” are very helpful in putting the other person at ease enough to actually hear what I’m about to say. 
 

I agree that it totally may not be needed in this situation, but tensions concerning how Covid careful families are being are running high, so if I knew the friends were extra sensitive I would want to set a light, accepting tone right off the bat. 
 

I think the OP has gotten great advice, and has a plan for the conversation that is much better than my idea. 
 

 

I am admittedly very aware of women using terms like "silly" or in general being self-deprecating or apologetic about their decisions. It's something I've had to work hard to be aware of and change in myself. I like your other wording examples much better, they don't have the same apologetic feel to me. 

[KungFuPanda]

Raincheck for when the Pandemic is over?

Happy Holidays,

Barnwife

 

How's that? 🤣

 

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, saraha said:

This would absolutely be my mother

We have a relative that likes to issue impossible invitations.  They know we'll decline the invite and then they gripe. "I tried to invite them, but they always say no! They're soooo difficult".  Well, yeah, if you wait until Tuesday to invite us for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday and you live 4 hours away? We're going to decline that invite because we've already made plans, (and those plans don't involve finding last-minute boarding for our pets and hotel reservations for one of the most busy travel days of the year).

[theelfqueen]

Miss Manners says no excuse necessary ...

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by theelfqueen

[theelfqueen]

1 hour ago, Choirfarm3 said:

I guess, but then people will assume you don't like them and you will no longer be invited places. But that may be ok with you. 

I like Mercy's short but sweet refusal.

You just have to get good at the "oh I'm so sorry" part. Lol

Remember my extended family thinks my need to literally breathe (as an asthmatic among them who are all smokers, and indoor smokers at that) is a wholly inadequate excuse for skipping family gatherings. Can't put breathing above the gathering/tradition. So, I'm sensitive to this issue lol 

[Amy Gen]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

I am admittedly very aware of women using terms like "silly" or in general being self-deprecating or apologetic about their decisions. It's something I've had to work hard to be aware of and change in myself. I like your other wording examples much better, they don't have the same apologetic feel to me. 

I completely see where you are coming from. 
 

I naturally tend to be very confident and straightforward. One of my friends recently told my middle daughter, “I was so intimidated by your mother the first time I met her that I inhaled my gum and started choking and panicking.”

So the work I have had to do is in the opposite direction and change my default communication patterns to be more approachable. 
 

I also agree that you never owe anyone an explanation. I just think that sometimes, with some people, if you want to continue a relationship, an explanation might smooth the way. 
 

But certainly, you can’t control and are not responsible for how other people react to your personal boundaries. 

[Danae]

9 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

Miss Manners says no excuse necessary ...

 

A family trying to figure out arrangements that work for everyone is different than an invitation to a set event.  When someone is trying to adjust their plans to accommodate you it is polite to let them know what accommodations would be necessary for you to attend or that you won’t be attending no matter what so they can stop trying to adjust for you and do what works best for everyone else.

 

”I’m having a dinner party on the 12th and would love you and Fred to be there.” —> “I’m sorry, we won’t be able to make it.” No excuse necessary.

”I’m trying to figure out a day we can all get together for an extended-family Christmas dinner, does the 12th work for you?” —> “I’m sorry, we won’t be able to make it” is not enough.

[katilac]

12 minutes ago, Danae said:

 

”I’m trying to figure out a day we can all get together for an extended-family Christmas dinner, does the 12th work for you?” —> “I’m sorry, we won’t be able to make it” is not enough.

"I'm sorry, we won't be able to fit anything else into our schedule this holiday season." 

[katilac]

7 minutes ago, Choirfarm3 said:

For family or friends that you normally get together with over the holidays as in the case of OP????  I would be so incredibly offended by that response and never invite them again AND sever ties. You can do everything but get together with me???  Poor wording and not what the OP intends.

That said, I am having no get-togethers. But I have also discovered, I apparently have all acquaintances and no close friends. Guess whenever I leave the house, I will need to find some good friends somehow.

I was answering in the general, not the specific, but the OP does not normally get together with these people over the holidays: They always feel like we never celebrate Christmas with them. 

You would sever ties with family members because they said they couldn't fit in a holiday celebration with you one year? I cannot imagine regarding that as an unforgivable offense, worthy of family estrangement. 

[JustEm]

36 minutes ago, katilac said:

"I'm sorry, we won't be able to fit anything else into our schedule this holiday season." 

But that just leaves it open ended.  So, if the family member then says, "okay lets arrange something for after the new year." If these are people the OP cares about and doesn't want to ruin the relationship over stringing them along is more damaging long term than saying, "we aren't getting together with anyone indoors until XYZ covid related change."

[barnwife]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

But that just leaves it open ended.  So, if the family member then says, "okay lets arrange something for after the new year." If these are people the OP cares about and doesn't want to ruin the relationship over stringing them along is more damaging long term than saying, "we aren't getting together with anyone indoors until XYZ covid related change."

And there's the crux of the matter. I don't want to string them along, but I also don't want to get into a pandemic discussion with them. It is clear (to me, anyway) that they believe CV19 isn't a big deal/are fine with gatherings/only wear masks if required/etc, which is pretty much my polar opposite. A discussion isn't going to change their minds (nor mine!), so I'd rather avoid it. Especially because similar discussion about other topics in the past have...not gone well, let's say. 

In the end, I think I am going with a version of Mercy A's reply. I'm going to give it another day to think about my reply before actually hitting send on the email though!

[katilac]

3 hours ago, Choirfarm3 said:

No, the tone and content of your response said we have too many fun things to do, we can't fit you in. Or that is what it felt like. I have no problem with I don't feel comfortable having an inside gathering right now or something like that.  But what you said felt like you are a 3rd or 4th choice.  

I don't think that "I'm sorry, we won't be able to fit anything else into our schedule this holiday season" sends quite that strong of a message, but again, I would not be severing ties with family even if they flat out said, "We don't want to come, we have more exciting things to do this year."  

And I can say that with certainty, because I actually do have a close family member who has no problem saying, nah fam, completely not interested in spending the holidays with you this year, lol. The thought of severing ties over that boggles my mind. 

[73349]

14 hours ago, Choirfarm3 said:

I would be so incredibly offended by that response and never invite them again AND sever ties. You can do everything but get together with me???  Poor wording and not what the OP intends.

Do none of your folks have life situations that might make it difficult to drive hours for a visit, truly? This is amazing to me. In my family, there are couples with non-aligned work schedules (often not regular enough to plan more than a week ahead), people with serious health challenges, etc... This year, if we can all get a tree put up and buy gifts for kids/grandkids and get some cocoa made in our own homes, we're doing great.

I didn't read the response as "We're going to do a zillion things, but not make time for you," at all. Just that they can't do another thing. It sounds like you expect people to come out and say, "I'm overwhelmed with..." but really, not everybody is going to be willing to go into details in order to have an adequate excuse not to go.

[Reefgazer]

On 12/6/2020 at 10:59 PM, barnwife said:

We were invited to a Thanksgiving get together. I replied, "Thanks, but we will be celebrating in (name of our city)!" I left it at that, figuring the hosts would understand that my position on avoiding indoor gatherings hasn't changed. But I just received an email invite to a Christmas get-together. They always feel like we never celebrate Christmas with them. Which, to be fair, is kind of true. But that's because we live 3 hours away. And I refuse to do that much driving on Christmas. Also, I have very strong feelings on our children waking up in their beds and us celebrating as a family/attending church that morning. (Note: I know many people celebrate in other ways/on different days. That's great; it's just not what we want for our family.) So because said hosts often insist on the gathering being on Christmas itself, we inevitably decline. 

Well, this year, they are willing to host on a couple of other days. For them, the pandemic is over (heck, it never started). I am of a much different persuasion. Therefore, I will be declining again. And it's going to be A Thing. I don't see a way around that. 

Anyone want to write my email declining said invitation that hopefully won't ruin family relationships? 
 

I would just give a cheery "Sorry, but we're sticking close to home and family until the pandemic passes.  Hopefully soon!"  My family and I had a small graduation party for DD and travelled for Thanksgiving and will do so for Christmas, but I have zero problems with families that chose to opt out of our celebrations and feel that's how they want to proceed these days.  Maybe she won't be offended?  I don't see why a family's individual decision should be an issue.

Edited December 8, 2020 by Reefgazer

[Carol in Cal.]

2 hours ago, Reefgazer said:

I would just give a cheery "Sorry, but we're sticking close to home and family until the pandemic passes.  Hopefully soon!"  My family and I had a small graduation party for DD and travelled for Thanksgiving and will do so for Christmas, but I have zero problems with families that chose to opt out of our celebrations and feel that's how they want to proceed these days.  Maybe she won't be offended?  I don't see why a family's individual decision should be an issue.

I like this.

I agree that it’s not rude to fail to give a reason for turning down such an invitation, but ‘not rude’ is IMO a fairly low standard for a familial relationship.  I don’t want to be just ‘not rude’; I want to be cordial, loving, and clear, if it’s family or close friends.

And in this particular circumstance, which is already a bit fraught, it would mean that I would mention Covid as the reason for no gatherings at all right now, to forestall another round of, OK, well, how about the next week??? And/or very hurt feelings given the history.  

Edited December 8, 2020 by Carol in Cal.