Obituaries and "died suddenly"

[SarahCB]

I was reading through the obituaries today and was struck by how many middle aged people "died suddenly" or "died very suddenly". Why do the obits have to be so vague? Do people say "died suddenly" to be polite? I could sort of understand it in the case of overdoses or suicides (though I still feel like a hint should be given). But surely not all of those people who died suddenly died that way - there have to be a few heart attacks, strokes, and car accidents in there, too. I don't understand why people are so specific with cancer deaths "so and so died after a long battle with cancer" but so vague about quick deaths.

I think I'll write some instructions for whoever is writing my obituary. "Sarah died suddenly after she failed to look both ways and was struck by a bus travelling southbound on Harvey." 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

LOL

I've always thought it had less to do about the particulars (sometimes) and more to do about what the family is going through - conveying the information that there was no long illness and the death was unexpected. I think for suicides and some accidents, they'd rather not say, or if the person (or their family) is very private, the obituary will be private.

But there's some history of not listing causes of death, and enough people have wondered that when I started to google, "why don't obituaries...." the suggested search term was "...list causes of death?" I found one city newspaper that had announced that they were changing long-standing policy - instead of only listing the cause when asked, they were going to always share it unless they were asked NOT to.

[Pawz4me]

The family of a deceased person typically submits the information for the obituary. And they're under no obligation to disclose the cause of death. I tend to assume "suddenly" usually means a heart attack, stroke, aneurysm or suicide. And I also assume if I were close enough to the deceased for the cause of death to really matter to me I'd be close enough to the family to know that information.

[KrissiK]

I’ve wondered that myself. I suppose cancer deaths can be somewhat noble. And you certainly wouldn’t want the world to know if your loved one died in a shoot out with police in a bank-heist gone south, or perhaps a mafia hit.?

[regentrude]

I am puzzled why anybody would expect that a cause of death be divulged to the public. People keep their medical information private in life, and it would be very inappropriate to publish another person's diagnosis. Why would a person's death strip them of that privacy? The family and close friends will know, and it's nobody else's business.

I would assume family share cause of death only if the deceased gave permission, and if it helps them grieve.

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

Aside from violation of privacy, public knowledge of cause of death can affect employment possibilities of offspring.  

isn't that a bit far fetched? Do you really think employers are sifting through obituaries when they make hiring decisions?

[teachermom2834]

Someone who worked in a funeral home once told me that the middle age and young people dying are almost all overdose and suicide. I feel like I have known a shocking number of suicides and we live in an area deep in the grips of the opioid crisis. 

I would never ask but generally assume those are possibilities. Not that it is any of my business but I make sure I make sure I am sensitive to the possibility. 

My mom died of a brain tumor 4 weeks after diagnosis. I know that wasn’t in the obituary. 

[Junie]

Many times the list of places to send charitable donations can give a clue as to cause of death.  Otherwise, I just assume that the family wants to keep the information private.

Also, sometimes the cause of death may not be determined until after the obituary is printed.

 

[TechWife]

Why would you expect the cause of death to be in the obituary? I wrote both of my parents obituaries and it didn’t occur to me to include the cause of death. Both of them, while elderly, did die suddenly, but that wasn’t why I didn’t include the cause of death. Honestly, an obituary is both an announcement and a memorial. It should say whatever the family wants it to say.

Death certificates are public record. If you have a burning desire to know, go to the county records department and take a look. 

I think this is one of those pieces of information that the saying “If you don’t know, you don’t need to know” would apply. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

My 40 year old nephew died suddenly last year. It was neither an overdose nor a suicide. To expect to be told the reason for all deaths seems presumptuous. And to guess suicide or overdose for all of them is medically naive (there are heart attacks, aneurisms, diabetic comas, anaphylactic shock, etc). Also- to automatically guess suicide or overdose seems...a bit mean spirited and gossipy because you are automatically going for the least socially acceptable reasons for death with no indications that that is the cause. 

[Spryte]

I can’t imagine thinking that cause of death is something I need to know, unless the family or someone close shares it with me, in general.

 

[Arcadia]

In my family circles, died suddenly means die of heart attack that has not been confirmed by the coroner’s office. It just means that the relative did not die from a long running terminal illness. An uncle and a cousin died in their early 50s of a heart attack with no prior warning signs. The obituary was posted before the death certificate was issued. 

For my husband’s brother and his wife’s social circle, sudden death means monetary donations and funeral help is usually badly needed as the death was unexpected.  Dying from a long term illness like cancer would mean there is probably a plan in place for the funeral and whoever wants to help should ask the family representative what help is needed.

My maternal grandfather died of old age even though he was suffering from mild geriatric diabetes at that time. So diabetes wasn’t the cause of death on the death certificate. 

[Lady Florida.]

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

The family of a deceased person typically submits the information for the obituary. And they're under no obligation to disclose the cause of death.

Yes to this. I've been involved in having to submit obituaries (my mom, MIL, FIL) and the wording is chosen by the family. 

[happi duck]

I wonder if regional tradition has an effect?  Around here, obits don't include cause of death or "died suddenly".  If I moved somewhere else and the funeral director suggested including cause of death I'd say no.  Perhaps "died suddenly" is what people say when they feel stuck including cause of death and don't want to.

 

[gardenmom5]

sometimes the cause isn't clear.   a young (maybe 30?) teacher at my older kids elementary school, called on friday to say she was staying home because she was sick, and would see them on monday.   she "died suddenly" over the weekend.  it. was. just. a. cold.  but she had a very weird reaction to something.  (her bff's mother ask myself and another person to attend the funeral as her daughter/bff was having a really hard time. - so we heard they had no idea why she died.)

 

[Murphy101]

I think it's weird we do obits at all.

Why do we care what people who aren't connected to the deceased know at all?

The most important people are likely to know without an obit, so who is the obit for?

Also, having them printed in the paper is expensive. So they may account for some of it.  The funeral home had a free web page of obits, so that is where my sister got to go crazy writing anything she wanted, inaccuracie of facts and spelling and all. 

My dad's obit in the paper though was about 2 sentences.  Iirc, it was:  first, middle and last name, age of death, preceded in death by wife, survived by his children, private graveside burial only. (Iow, no services and no fanfare).  That's it.

[Junie]

I still don't know my father's official cause of death.  He had several medical problems.  I'm sure one of them was the cause of death, but I was never told which one.

I know enough about his medical history to know what to look for regarding my own health.

[maize]

Yeah, printed obituaries charge by the word. I'd rather say something about the person's life than spend money making sure everyone knows how they died.

[Murphy101]

4 minutes ago, Junie said:

I still don't know my father's official cause of death.  He had several medical problems.  I'm sure one of them was the cause of death, but I was never told which one.

I know enough about his medical history to know what to look for regarding my own health.

 

And cause of death on the certificate is not really clear cut and there's a rather high error rate for it.  For example, though my mom died of lymphoma, her death certificate says pneumonia. Which is true too.  But since she had zero immune system due to lymphoma treatment, it's also not true too.   S/he could list it as complications of cancer, or lymphoma, or pneumonia or aspiration due to organ failure or what all else maybe too.

[Lady Florida.]

OP you might have been half joking about telling your family what you want your obituary to say but keep in mind that newspapers charge for obits by the word. Listing a reasonable number of surviving loved ones sounds like a better idea to me than listing how someone died. 

[SarahCB]

3 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

The family of a deceased person typically submits the information for the obituary. And they're under no obligation to disclose the cause of death. I tend to assume "suddenly" usually means a heart attack, stroke, aneurysm or suicide. And I also assume if I were close enough to the deceased for the cause of death to really matter to me I'd be close enough to the family to know that information.

I know there's no obligation to share, but I find it really odd. It almost feels like obituaries haven't modernized - we share so much over social media that for an obit to simply say, "died suddenly" seems strange. Obits, generally, sound a little archaic. Survived by... Predeceased by... In a world where communication has changed so much even over the last twenty years, it seems obituaries haven't changed much at all. 

[SarahCB]

4 hours ago, KrissiK said:

I’ve wondered that myself. I suppose cancer deaths can be somewhat noble. And you certainly wouldn’t want the world to know if your loved one died in a shoot out with police in a bank-heist gone south, or perhaps a mafia hit.?

And yet, I think that would be a pretty memorable obituary! 

Here's a great one - tells a fantastic story until the "untimely death" reference. So much detail and then...??? Did he die on a boat? Did he fall overboard? Did he get caught in a storm? Fall down some stairs? 

"Peter's love affair with life ended abruptly on June 4. 

Polio trapped him in an isolation ward at age 6. After that, Peter was determined to get the most of out of life. He enjoyed music, books, art, travel, good food, and the natural world. More than anything, he loved water: swimming, scuba diving, surfing, and messing around in boats. Very big boats. After crewing for the Coast Guard and years of salmon fishing, Peter took the position of first officer on the Garibaldi II. In 1992 he was accepted into BC Coast Pilots, a profession that he served with pride until his untimely death. 

A charming eccentric, Peter was often a mystery to himself and others. He shared many adventures with his friends, for better or for worse. No regrets. 

Peter is survived by his loving wife and her daughter."

[SarahCB]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

I am puzzled why anybody would expect that a cause of death be divulged to the public. People keep their medical information private in life, and it would be very inappropriate to publish another person's diagnosis. Why would a person's death strip them of that privacy? The family and close friends will know, and it's nobody else's business.

I would assume family share cause of death only if the deceased gave permission, and if it helps them grieve.

But enquiring minds...

It's like telling a story and leaving out the ending. Cause of death likely isn't secret - I'm sure friends and family area aware when someone dies of a heart attack or is killed in a car accident. It's not like it's private information. 

I think I'd want what is likely to be the last thing published about me to be memorable. I hope my obituary doesn't put someone to sleep (born in...moved to...had four kids...married to...predeceased by...survived by...passed away peacefully...snore). 

Maybe I'll write my own obituary. This guy's obit is fantastic. What a way to leave a lasting impression: 

"Stuff has been trying to kill me for years and it was colon cancer that finally got me, at the age of 44, on January 31st, 2018, peacefully at home. I'm survived by everyone who is still here and I'm predeceased by everyone who isn't. I had a great life with too few regrets to even be sure they really existed. My only regret is that I will not know how Coronation Street will end. Life was always about the things I was able to do, and not about what I had. I married my best friend. I was in a cage with a lion (not the same as above, but close at times; I married my match.) I got to spend many years of enjoying the freedom of motorcycle riding. I visited my second home of Ireland. I spent as much time as possible with the people I cared about, and the list goes on. My advice to you all is to make those bucket lists and to start filling them in. Life is short and it only runs out; I should know, I was only 44. So get off your butts and live those lives while you still have them and make sure you really think of what you want to matter on those last days. I bet it won't be the colour or the model of your car. I would also like to send my love to everyone who has supported me and mine in even the smallest way over the last few years. I love you all..."

[SarahCB]

36 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

OP you might have been half joking about telling your family what you want your obituary to say but keep in mind that newspapers charge for obits by the word. Listing a reasonable number of surviving loved ones sounds like a better idea to me than listing how someone died. 

Good point. From now on, all the coin I find in the laundry will go towards my obit fund so I can afford a few extra words.

[SarahCB]

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

I think it's weird we do obits at all.

Why do we care what people who aren't connected to the deceased know at all?

The most important people are likely to know without an obit, so who is the obit for?

Also, having them printed in the paper is expensive. So they may account for some of it.  The funeral home had a free web page of obits, so that is where my sister got to go crazy writing anything she wanted, inaccuracie of facts and spelling and all. 

My dad's obit in the paper though was about 2 sentences.  Iirc, it was:  first, middle and last name, age of death, preceded in death by wife, survived by his children, private graveside burial only. (Iow, no services and no fanfare).  That's it.

It is kind of weird. I find older people read the obits a lot more than younger people. I think they are looking for people they knew well in younger times. I'm not sure why I like reading obits - especially since they always leave me wanting to know more. 

I do like the freedom that online obits allows. But, there's something about having a paper clipping as well. 

[SarahCB]

 

3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

My 40 year old nephew died suddenly last year. It was neither an overdose nor a suicide. To expect to be told the reason for all deaths seems presumptuous. And to guess suicide or overdose for all of them is medically naive (there are heart attacks, aneurisms, diabetic comas, anaphylactic shock, etc). Also- to automatically guess suicide or overdose seems...a bit mean spirited and gossipy because you are automatically going for the least socially acceptable reasons for death with no indications that that is the cause. 

I think my mind goes straight to suicide or overdose because those are the things I fear the most. I've had two close family members commit suicide and the current overdose epidemic here scares me half to death. I've got teen boys - they're great teens, but it only takes one bad decision to die of an overdose. And suicide rates are much higher for males - one of my relatives was only 19 when he "died suddenly". Perhaps if someone close to me had died of a heart attack or a nut allergy then that's where my mind would go first.

But, to go back to my query - for whatever reason it seems like cancer gets mentioned a lot as a cause of death, but not much else makes it in. I'm just wondering why that is. 

[poppy]

I think it's meant to convey the family was surprised vs it being an expected death after an illness.

We know a family who lost a son  who was about 35. I don't know if suicide, OD, heart condition.  Doesn't matter, what matters is they weren't prepared for it. It was good to know that circumstance.  It was the most emotional funeral I've been to , ith big displays of grief.  It definitely felt different than families who had been able to prepare for the end.

 

ETA sometimes cancer gets mentioned, sometimes not. Lung cancer didn't get mentioned in my (smoker) grandfather's funeral, it was  "a long illness".

 

[Frances]

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

I think it's weird we do obits at all.

Why do we care what people who aren't connected to the deceased know at all?

The most important people are likely to know without an obit, so who is the obit for?

Also, having them printed in the paper is expensive. So they may account for some of it.  The funeral home had a free web page of obits, so that is where my sister got to go crazy writing anything she wanted, inaccuracie of facts and spelling and all. 

My dad's obit in the paper though was about 2 sentences.  Iirc, it was:  first, middle and last name, age of death, preceded in death by wife, survived by his children, private graveside burial only. (Iow, no services and no fanfare).  That's it.

I come from a very small town in one state that is only miles from two other states. While there are no relatives of my family in my hometown, my parents have friends, relatives, former classmates, former coworkers, etc. in other small towns throughout the area in all three states. When my dad died, over 500 people attended his wake and funeral, and many of them would have known about it from the obituary in various small town newspapers. Although well liked and respected, he wasn’t wealthy or famous or anything like that, just a regular guy.

[SarahCB]

9 minutes ago, Frances said:

I come from a very small town in one state that is only miles from two other states. While there are no relatives of my family in my hometown, my parents have friends, relatives, former classmates, former coworkers, etc. in other small towns throughout the area in all three states. When my dad died, over 500 people attended his wake and funeral, and many of them would have known about it from the obituary in various small town newspapers. Although well liked and respected, he wasn’t wealthy or famous or anything like that, just a regular guy.

That says a lot about your dad. He must have been a really great regular guy.

[Murphy101]

9 minutes ago, Frances said:

I come from a very small town in one state that is only miles from two other states. While there are no relatives of my family in my hometown, my parents have friends, relatives, former classmates, former coworkers, etc. in other small towns throughout the area in all three states. When my dad died, over 500 people attended his wake and funeral, and many of them would have known about it from the obituary in various small town newspapers. Although well liked and respected, he wasn’t wealthy or famous or anything like that, just a regular guy.

 

I don't see how that conflicts with my post.  Any of those people could have just as easily found out by other means if they'd cared enough to stay in touch.  There were several people my dad had not seen or heard from in years who seemed put out, but frankly they should have expressed giving a darn when he was alive if they wanted to be considered when he was dead.

[mumto2]

Not sure how true in general this is but a good friend happens to be very involved with a suicide prevention charity.  When my mom spotted a former boyfriend’ s obituary I let my friend know, in part because she lived within an hour of ex boyfriend and I thought she might know what had happened to him through mutual friends.  I also sent a link to the obituary.  Well, within minutes she returned my email, commiserated, and mentioned kindly that it was probably a suicide because the obituary was published after the funeral had taken place.  That’s what is recommended by her charity at least,  easier for the family because the funeral will be restricted to just those they wish to have attend.  Fwiw, my mom later learned my friend was correct.  

I think cancer is so easier to mention in an obituary.  It’s a one word or two reason that sort of summarizes.  I wrote the obituaries for both my parents and didn’t list cause of death for either.  When I wrote my father’s no one told me I was paying for each word and I still left it out. ? I was prettywordy in both.......  How does one explain that my dad was a smoker and the heath complications were many?   He finally died from a bladder infection...... per death certificate, but that wasn’t really why.   My mom was 94,  still living on her own when she fell.   The fall was why, not what followed........Never thought of saying the technical reason why for either.  I celebrated their lives.......

[Frances]

9 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I don't see how that conflicts with my post.  Any of those people could have just as easily found out by other means if they'd cared enough to stay in touch.  There were several people my dad had not seen or heard from in years who seemed put out, but frankly they should have expressed giving a darn when he was alive if they wanted to be considered when he was dead.

I don’t see how many of them would have known if not for the obituary in various newspapers, especially as it was in the middle of winter in the Midwest when elderly people often don’t get out as much. Since he had been battling cancer for 10 years, most people who attended likely knew he was sick. But the exact day of his death and the time and location of the wake and funeral mass? I can’t think of any other way other than an obituary that they all could have known. And we didn’t pay by the word, it was a set fee. And since my parents had funeral funds, it was all covered already.

Edited to add that my siblings and I all had high school classmates, k12 teachers, etc. show up that we had not seen or been in touch with 25+ years. Heck, the mom of my long-time serious boyfriend before I met my husband was there and my ex-boyfriend sent a beautiful letter. No way any of them would have known about it except for the obituary.

[SarahCB]

1 minute ago, mumto2 said:

Not sure how true in general this is but a good friend happens to be very involved with a suicide prevention charity.  When my mom spotted a former boyfriend’ s obituary I let my friend know, in part because she lived within an hour of ex boyfriend and I thought she might know what had happened to him through mutual friends.  I also sent a link to the obituary.  Well, within minutes she returned my email, commiserated, and mentioned kindly that it was probably a suicide because the obituary was published after the funeral had taken place.  That’s what is recommended by her charity at least,  easier for the family because the funeral will be restricted to just those they wish to have attend.  Fwiw, my mom later learned my friend was correct.  

I think cancer is so easier to mention in an obituary.  It’s a one word or two reason that sort of summarizes.  I wrote the obituaries for both my parents and didn’t list cause of death for either.  When I wrote my father’s no one told me I was paying for each word and I still left it out. ? I was prettywordy in both.......  How does one explain that my dad was a smoker and the heath complications were many?   He finally died from a bladder infection...... per death certificate, but that wasn’t really why.   My mom was 94,  still living on her own when she fell.   The fall was why, not what followed........Never thought of saying the technical reason why for either.  I celebrated their lives.......

I think you may be right when it comes to mentioning cancer. It's something everyone can understand and in its own way it is vague as well - saying cancer is a little more gentle than saying bowel cancer. And that makes sense with your father as well - you're right in that bladder infection doesn't really explain the whole thing but that it's also complicated and personal and not easily explained. I guess that's probably where "short illness" or "long illness" come in. And as a reader (or as a friend who knew someone once upon a time) I'd feel more satisfied with a vague word or two about illness - I guess it's not that I think all of the details need to come out in the obit, but that enough details should come out so that people have a bit of a clue as to what happened. 

[SarahCB]

1 minute ago, Frances said:

I don’t see how many of them would have known if not for the obituary in various newspapers, especially as it was in the middle of winter in the Midwest when elderly people often don’t get out as much. Since he had been battling cancer for 10 years, most people who attended likely knew he was sick. But the exact day of his death and the time and location of the wake and funeral mass? I can’t think of any other way other than an obituary that they all could have known. And we didn’t pay by the word, it was a set fee. And since my parents had funeral funds, it was all covered already.

I think you're right. A lot of older people read the paper every day. My father-in-law gets three papers delivered to his house daily. I don't think you can expect family to go calling people to tell them about the funeral - not everyone who may have wanted to attend. Having it in the paper does ensure that people who care to celebrate someone's life can do so. And just because they didn't see the person often (or maybe for decades!) doesn't mean they don't have a right to be there at the funeral.

[Murphy101]

1 minute ago, Frances said:

I don’t see how many of them would have known if not for the obituary in various newspapers, especially as it was in the middle of winter in the Midwest when elderly people often don’t get out as much. Since he had been battling cancer for 10 years, most people who attended likely knew he was sick. But the exact day of his death and the time and location of the wake and funeral mass? I can’t think of any other way other than an obituary that they all could have known. And we didn’t pay by the word, it was a set fee. And since my parents had funeral funds, it was all covered already.

 

If it was within the last 10 years? Just about anywhere online is easier than just happening to look in the right paper on the day it happens to be listed? There's a reason daily newspapers are going the way of the dodo bird.

Even husband's grandmother is online at is point and greatly enjoys how it keeps her informed and lets her see pics of great grandbabies.

[Frances]

14 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

If it was within the last 10 years? Just about anywhere online is easier than just happening to look in the right paper on the day it happens to be listed? There's a reason daily newspapers are going the way of the dodo bird.

Even husband's grandmother is online at is point and greatly enjoys how it keeps her informed and lets her see pics of great grandbabies.

My mom is very much online to look things up and communicate with grandchildren, but she definitely does not read obituaries online. And she and her friends do not use anything like Facebook or other social media to communicate with each other and neither does our small extended family, it’s all by phone and in person. Except for the funeral home website and later newspaper archives, there was no mention of his death anywhere online, as far as I know.

And with the exception of one daily, the other papers were weekly ones. Maybe it’s just small town culture that is the difference with our experiences. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Obituaries are formal death notices. And like many formal notices many people choose to use formal language. They serve a function in society to notify people who aren’t necessarily in the family or close friends of a death. I have learned of the death of former teachers, bosses and roommates through the obituaries. I appreciate when there are enough details so that I can make sure that the notice is referring to the “John Smith” I know but I have no expectation of being told someone’s story or of being entertained. 

[Lady Florida.]

I heard this on NPR last week.

https://www.npr.org/2018/06/07/618012776/a-look-at-the-challenges-of-writing-obituaries

[Liz CA]

10 hours ago, KrissiK said:

I’ve wondered that myself. I suppose cancer deaths can be somewhat noble. And you certainly wouldn’t want the world to know if your loved one died in a shoot out with police in a bank-heist gone south, or perhaps a mafia hit.?

 

I don't know about cancer being noble. I think I know what you mean. You bravely endure it since there is little else that can be done and the person did not have a choice in the matter.  I suppose heart attacks and strokes should fall into this category as well. Sigh. I am a rather private person. So if anybody feels compelled to announce my demise, I would rather they just say "passed away" or similar than "keeled over on Friday, deteriorated on Saturday and died on Sunday." Just sounds like TMI to me. ☺️

 

[SKL]

To me, I think it conveys whether the family is shocked or knew death was (or might be) coming.  This can help you decide how to respond to the information.

[Katy]

Among the people I knew the cause of death and I read the obit, about 50% really did die of natural causes but suddenly - undiagnosed pneumonia, a 37 year old athlete dying of a heart attack with no prior symptoms, etc.  And about 50% of those who died of an overdose or suicide's families outright mentioned they'd been struggling with mental health or addiction for years and lost their battle. Including mental health or addiction information did have something to do with the families I think - families who volunteer or are otherwise activists in raising money or changing laws regarding treatments, etc, are more likely to have a long explanation than families that aren't involved.

[kiwik]

5 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I don't see how that conflicts with my post.  Any of those people could have just as easily found out by other means if they'd cared enough to stay in touch.  There were several people my dad had not seen or heard from in years who seemed put out, but frankly they should have expressed giving a darn when he was alive if they wanted to be considered when he was dead.

Being an old workmate who remembers him fondly and wished to show that to the family is not someone who didn't give a damn when he was alive.  Most people have more people in the not in contact but remembered him fondly than close friends.  It is better to have more people at a funeral than fewer.

[scholastica]

5 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

If it was within the last 10 years? Just about anywhere online is easier than just happening to look in the right paper on the day it happens to be listed? There's a reason daily newspapers are going the way of the dodo bird.

Even husband's grandmother is online at is point and greatly enjoys how it keeps her informed and lets her see pics of great grandbabies.

The obits in our local paper are also published in the online version. That’s how a lot of people read the “paper”. My father-in-law only found out about the death of a former coworker because my ex-brother-in-law, who had worked with the man in a different place, saw the obit online and sent it to me. Without the obit, we never would have known. My FIL was able to express his condolences to the widow and children. Just because we lose touch with people, it doesn’t mean we don’t care any longer or want to express to their family members how much they meant to us while they were in our lives. Obits spread the news without the family having to contact everyone in a time of grief.

[mumto2]

49 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

I'm piling on here:  anymore, all the papers I have dealt with will publish a "death notice" for free.  Obituaries, not.  The obituary for my BFF's dh in the Seattle paper was $1200, AFTER I cut half of it out.  My dad's was $800, and it was published in the town he died in, where he knew almost no one.  Mom couldn't afford the paper where my family spent 50 years...and contributed a LOT to the town, and my Mom was a reporter for that paper when it was starting out.  :0/

 

Wow, I thought roughly $300 was outrageous!  Smallish town......

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

My 40 year old nephew died suddenly last year. It was neither an overdose nor a suicide. To expect to be told the reason for all deaths seems presumptuous. And to guess suicide or overdose for all of them is medically naive (there are heart attacks, aneurisms, diabetic comas, anaphylactic shock, etc). Also- to automatically guess suicide or overdose seems...a bit mean spirited and gossipy because you are automatically going for the least socially acceptable reasons for death with no indications that that is the cause. 

Right. My sister died suddenly at age 42. She had a kidney infection and developed sepsis. But we didn’t even have those facts at the time of the announcements. We did not know exactly why she died at first. She was ill, but thought she was “coming down with something.” She went to sleep on my parent’s couch and that was the end. 

[sbgrace]

My brother in law died at 26 in a car accident, well, as a result of it--he was life flighted to a trauma unit and died a few days later.

My sister was in a group for young widows. There were suicides, and cancers, but she said most were vehicle related, including motorcycles. Certainly not all sudden, young deaths are suicide or drugs. I'm guessing it's not the majority in most places.

I think most people, when dealing with an unexpected,  traumatic loss, aren't thinking terribly clearly when they're writing an obituary. I do get being curious though when you read sudden. I think it's more to distinguish from a prolonged illness type death perhaps. 

[DawnM]

I have known a few:

Suicide

Cancer

Alcohol

Just figured they didn't want to go into details.

[Guest]

I agree that part of the purpose is to make a distinction that the death was unexpected vs. if the person had been ill for a long time. 

[Janeway]

No one says cause of death in obits anymore. Plus, often, there is a cost associated with the word count on the obituary so most won’t waste the money on extra words. Plus, in this day and age, people are more concerned with privacy so less personal info ends up being said.

[Murphy101]

3 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

I'm piling on here:  anymore, all the papers I have dealt with will publish a "death notice" for free.  Obituaries, not.  The obituary for my BFF's dh in the Seattle paper was $1200, AFTER I cut half of it out.  My dad's was $800, and it was published in the town he died in, where he knew almost no one.  Mom couldn't afford the paper where my family spent 50 years...and contributed a LOT to the town, and my Mom was a reporter for that paper when it was starting out.  :0/

 

 

I do t remember the cost for my dad, but it was a not small amount. They have a certain number of characters free, but it was really small. Like 2.5 lines max.