Who to believe - Update

[SquirrellyMama]

If you are told that someone you know did something completely out of character, how do you choose who to believe?  I'm so torn up about this.

UPDATE- Mom of the boy talked to her son again. The original accusation was apparently a compilation of things that happened on prom night by different people which got turned into my daughter doing a whole lot of stuff I couldn't fathom her doing. We're left with he was uncomfortable with what he saw her doing on the dance floor (grinding dancing, maybe kissing) and kissing on the bus. She still insists it was a lot less than what the adults are picturing.

I'm still a bit scarred ?

 

Kelly

[Annie G]

Is there a possibility that the act in question can be interpreted differently by the person who told you? Like if someone told me my husband yelled at a kid I would be shocked. He has never once raised his voice to me or the kids ever. But if dh explained that yeah he yelled at the kid because the kid was about to step in front of a moving car in the parking lot, and he yelled for the kid to stop, yeah that’s a different interpretation.  

I guess there might be more to the story than what you heard, and also you feeling that the act was out of character seems to indicate you know the person’s character. I’d listen to what was said but look for additional confirmation before I integrated it into how I feel about the person. 

[J-rap]

I tend to trust the person I really know.  Unless the stories keep coming.   Or if they don't match up with someone else's interpretations of the same events (and it's someone else I also know very well).  Then I would want to dig in a little further.  This happened to me once.  Stories/interpretations of the same events by two different people whom I both knew really well just didn't match up.  It was very bizarre.  Someone had to be wrong.  It turns out a mental illness was involved which confused how one person was interpreting situations.  It was a real shock to me.

 

[Tanaqui]

I'll take the other side here.

How often do we find out somebody was a serial killer or child molester - and there's incontrovertible evidence! - and their friends and neighbors, not to mention family members, swear they had NO IDEA, that this just isn't LIKE them.

Sometimes we don't know other people as well as we think we do.

Which doesn't mean I think you should always go with the accuser, just that you should keep an open mind.

 

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, SquirrellyMama said:

If you are told that someone you know did something completely out of character, how do you choose who to believe?  I'm so torn up about this.

Kelly

I guess it depends. What kind of situation are we talking about? Is it something you needed to know, or is it really and truly just gossip? If it's important enough for you to believe one or the other, perhaps you could go to the person who has been accused and ask her outright.

[SquirrellyMama]

The person accused is my child. The person bringing it to my attention is an adult who was told by their child what they think they saw my dd doing. 

I have talked to my dd and the adult. There are a couple inconsistencies in the story from the adult. 

My daughter adamantly defends her innocence. 

It's something that, if I am wrong in trusting my dd, could spiral out of control badly. It is not something that could be tested for.

Kelly

 

[Carrie12345]

Anything is possible unless more information comes to light.

When I was a (very) young adult, my ex-boyfriend told me he was doing heroin.  I did the only reasonable thing and relayed the info to his brother.  Their parents searched every inch of him for marks and found none. I thought he was hurting himself.  They thought I was trying to destroy their son's life with accusations.  Neither of those things were true, regardless of what any of us believed at the time.  (I sometimes still wonder if they ever figured out that I wasn't making things up.)

[SquirrellyMama]

1 minute ago, Carrie12345 said:

Anything is possible unless more information comes to light.

This is something I was thinking. I just don't know what the people telling me are expecting me to do exactly. I'm sure they think I'm dismissing them by bringing up a couple inconsistencies, but this is a very serious accusation.

Kelly

[Mimm]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have no words of wisdom. ?

[Tanaqui]

You're hearing this story second-hand. Do you have a way to get objective evidence?

Studies show that parents are generally awful at telling if their kids are lying. Sad, but true - and it goes for both you and this other adult.

[Ailaena]

In your case, I’d probably believe my child but be very cautious moving forward knowing that I could be wrong.  3rd-hand, maybe saw something information isn’t worth destroying my relationship with my kid, but fully ignoring it when it’s true wouldn’t help, either, if that makes sense.  But she deserves the benefit of the doubt from me - even if that comes with watchfulness   

Also, I’d do much talking and maybe some restrictions while explaining that it is just so important to be safe.  

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

You're hearing this story second-hand. Do you have a way to get objective evidence?

Studies show that parents are generally awful at telling if their kids are lying. Sad, but true - and it goes for both you and this other adult.

Yeah that’s true, but also, adults can see what they are looking for even when they didn’t see what they thought they saw.

One time, I was getting ready to leave co-op and was inside the car, waiting for DD, who was giving a boy a hug goodbye. (I grant you, it was a long hug.) She was hugging him on the passenger side of my van, which is the “hidden” side from the building. Later in the evening, a mom called me to inform me that she “saw my daughter hiding behind a van in the parking lot, making out with So-and-so.” I confirmed the details of time of day and what the van looked like, to make sure it was the same instance as what I knew to be a hug and nothing more. Then I told her she misinterpreted what she saw; I was right there, in the van, and they were hugging. 

I’m just saying - it’s hard to be sure and other adults can absolutely be wrong about what they think they saw/heard. 

[SquirrellyMama]

9 minutes ago, Ailaena said:

In your case, I’d probably believe my child but be very cautious moving forward knowing that I could be wrong.  3rd-hand, maybe saw something information isn’t worth destroying my relationship with my kid, but fully ignoring it when it’s true wouldn’t help, either, if that makes sense.  But she deserves the benefit of the doubt from me - even if that comes with watchfulness   

Also, I’d do much talking and maybe some restrictions while explaining that it is just so important to be safe.  

We did a lot of talking. I told her I believed her, but part of me has to be cautious just because of the nature of the accusation. 

There will be extra watchfulness, but I thought the precautions were put in place. I'm not sure there was much more I could have done in that instance. 

Kelly

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

This is something I was thinking. I just don't know what the people telling me are expecting me to do exactly. I'm sure they think I'm dismissing them by bringing up a couple inconsistencies, but this is a very serious accusation.

Kelly

Well, definitely don’t do anything drastic because you feel some sort of pressure to act from the teller. Most things, I think, are going to leave additional clues. So I would be alert for anything that might corroborate the teller’s story, but I wouldn’t hang my kid on someone’s hear-say. 

[Ailaena]

I think you’re doing the right thing.  You’re being honest and cautious.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself about things you *could* have done.  I’m assuming your kid is a teenager, and I promise, they will very often (and sometimes desperately) find a way to do what they want.  Keep your lines of communication open and don’t feel guilty having a plan in case things don’t go ideally. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

I’m just saying - it’s hard to be sure and other adults can absolutely be wrong about what they think they saw/heard. 

 

Absolutely, and here she's hearing the story which is really from the adult's child... there's not enough information here to determine who is telling the truth.

And without more information on what this is, it's hard to determine an appropriate course of action.

I guess, if the accusation is sufficiently serious, it's worth it to supervise your kid more closely for a period of time. Explain that it's not that you don't believe her, just that this accusation is SO serious that you want to cover all your bases - either she's doing this bad thing and needs to not be doing it, or people are making up stuff about her to get her in trouble, but either way the only way to handle this situation is to make sure you know what's going on in the future. Then she can't do the thing, and people won't be able to lie about her either.

[SquirrellyMama]

I think the line from the other kid of, "I used to think she was cool, but I guess she's trash" was more than I could handle.

I don't think the other kids is lying, but in the circumstance he really could have seen a different person. 

Or, it really was my daughter. I don't know.

 

[Junie]

(((SquirrellyMama)))

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I think the line from the other kid of, "I used to think she was cool, but I guess she's trash" was more than I could handle.

I don't think the other kids is lying, but in the circumstance he really could have seen a different person. 

Or, it really was my daughter. I don't know.

 

That is a horrible thing to call someone, even if it were true. I forbid my children from calling other people trash. I would forbid my husband from it if I were able to forbid him doing anything. 

Human beings are not trash. That bothers me severely as an adjective used for anyone. 

[GinaPagnato]

20 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I think the line from the other kid of, "I used to think she was cool, but I guess she's trash" was more than I could handle.

I don't think the other kids is lying, but in the circumstance he really could have seen a different person. 

Or, it really was my daughter. I don't know.

 

Wow, that's intense. I mean, obviously it's a horrible thing to say. But it also tells me that whatever your DD has been accused of doing is pretty darn serious and her peers register it as such. Will this other kid spread rumors about her? This is where things can get really tough because then your DD is likely to face an army of condemnation.

In that case, I would believe your DD because she's likely to come under some intense criticism and she'll need to know you have your back. BUT I would also watch her very very closely. I'm sure you already do, but I'd step it up even more. If she knows you believe her (even if you kind of don't), then if/when she breaks down about it, she'll be more likely come to you with the truth than if she feels she's had to ramp up her lying to you all along because you kept questioning her, kwim?

Can you guys not tell when your DC are lying to you? I'm not going to say I can do it 100%, and lying hasn't been a big issue around here, but the times where I've known something was up and DC wasn't fessing up to it, I could tell. Dodgy eye contact, little micro expressions, etc. usually clued me in.

I'm sorry, OP. This is a really hard place to be in.

[GinaPagnato]

Oh, another thing. One time I heard through a friend's daughter that a mutual friend's son was with a group of teens who were smoking. The daughter was adamant that this boy was there and was very specific in the details. I told the mutual friend that this was being said about her son, so she looked into it. Turns out, it was another teen who was in their friend group and who looks similar to my friend's son. Since it was a group of boys and my friend's son is usually with them, the reporting girl made a mistake.

Granted, it sounds like this is a solo accusation, OP, but the point is, misidentifications can happen.

[SquirrellyMama]

6 minutes ago, GinaPagnato said:

Can you guys not tell when your DC are lying to you? I'm not going to say I can do it 100%, and lying hasn't been a big issue around here, but the times where I've known something was up and DC wasn't fessing up to it, I could tell. Dodgy eye contact, little micro expressions, etc. usually clued me in.

I'm sorry, OP. This is a really hard place to be in.

At times, yes I can. It depends on the situation. This time I really can't tell, and the situation is such that it could be misidentification.

This supposedly happened on prom night on the bus to after prom. The kid said something about her skirt. She wouldn't have been wearing her prom dress at that time, and I saw what she packed for after prom. It didn't include a skirt. I took her car to the school for her and was the one that put her bag in it.

It was on a dark school bus also. 

The last thing that makes me believe her is that she has been mistaken for another girl before in broad daylight.

There also wasn't any sketchy eye contact. At least, not that I could tell.

 

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, SquirrellyMama said:

The person accused is my child. The person bringing it to my attention is an adult who was told by their child what they think they saw my dd doing. 

I have talked to my dd and the adult. There are a couple inconsistencies in the story from the adult. 

My daughter adamantly defends her innocence. 

It's something that, if I am wrong in trusting my dd, could spiral out of control badly. It is not something that could be tested for.

Kelly

 

 

I would believe my daughter. Not just because she is your child but you mention an adult retelling something she heard second hand from another child who "thinks" this is what they saw.

A lot of "maybe" and "perhaps" and "interpretation" here.

Another reason is that your child sees you believing her and having her back. If she really is guilty of what she is accused, she may feel bad enough to tell you the truth. If not, it is still a character lesson and proof that she can trust you even if you cannot trust her. I am sure she would know this and it may bother her greatly. On the other hand, if she is accused wrongly, she needs someone to stand by her.

Of course, I am assuming this whole incident does not fall into the category of anything legally criminal or so harmful or injurious to someone that the truth needs to be found at all cost.

[Annie G]

No way would I believe the other kid or other parent. Nope.  I would tell my kid I’m glad she didn’t do whatever it was because I would be so disappointed, but i would give her the benefit of the doubt. 

And I’d distance myself from the other family. WHY would they tell you what the other kid said??? The ‘trash’ comment is disgusting. I’m sorry. It’s hard to unhear when people say unkind things.  

[Garga]

1 hour ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I think the line from the other kid of, "I used to think she was cool, but I guess she's trash" was more than I could handle.

I don't think the other kids is lying, but in the circumstance he really could have seen a different person. 

Or, it really was my daughter. I don't know.

 

 

Trash?  Trash?! Wow. I’d be furious. That statement right there makes me doubt his credibility, because people who talk like that are looking for reasons to judge other people. Did you hear him say that or did his mom relay that to you?  Wow.  The sanctimonious self-righteousness is just dripping off of those words.  

[Scarlett]

I will say, people lie.  And people are sometimes mistaken about what/who they saw. 

I once had my now XH's co-worker claim that his wife saw me in a Honda dealership making out with a tall dark headed man in a suit.  All I know is that was absolutely not me.  Unfortunately the story was repeated at least 6 months after the 'sighting' so I had no real way to defend myself or refute the claim.  This co-worker's wife had met me exactly one time at a company picnic....so not sure why she was so certain it was me.  

[Heatherwith4]

In this particular situation, I’d absolutely believe my kid.  And I would distance myself from this family.  I’m not a fan of calling people trash. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Can you guys not tell when your DC are lying to you? I'm not going to say I can do it 100%, and lying hasn't been a big issue around here, but the times where I've known something was up and DC wasn't fessing up to it, I could tell. Dodgy eye contact, little micro expressions, etc. usually clued me in.

 

Everybody thinks this, but when you actually study people's interactions with their children they don't do much better than chance. (Everybody thinks they're the exception to this as well. Statistically speaking, they're not.)

[SquirrellyMama]

Thank you everyone. I've been so emotional about this.

I will continue to believe her unless they can prove otherwise.

Kelly

[Ellie]

4 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I think the line from the other kid of, "I used to think she was cool, but I guess she's trash" was more than I could handle.

I don't think the other kids is lying, but in the circumstance he really could have seen a different person. 

Or, it really was my daughter. I don't know.

 

(((Kelly and dd))))

[ThisIsTheDay]

(((Kelly)))

I think you are doing the right thing by continuing to trust her. You said if you are wrong that it could spiral out of control. But that goes the other way too, if you don't trust her on this, that could spiral badly out of control. If I were in your shoes, I'd rather trust her and be wrong, than believe some other kid and be wrong.

[klmama]

I would not trust what some extremely judgmental kid thinks he saw in a dark bus.  I suggest you listen to your dd and don't make any changes in how you treat her. 

[El...]

This accuser, the one who used the term trash, sounds really angry. Why?

It's disproportionate. I suspect he's lying, or pushing the story out of focus. Unless there's a reason he should be angry about the story, something here isn't true.

[alewife]

3 hours ago, elroisees said:

This accuser, the one who used the term trash, sounds really angry. Why?

It's disproportionate. I suspect he's lying, or pushing the story out of focus. Unless there's a reason he should be angry about the story, something here isn't true.

This was my reaction when I read what he said as well.  Is it possible he is romantically interested in your daughter and angry that your daughter doesn't share the same feelings?

I also think it was unnecessarily cruel for the boy's mother to use the word "trash" when she relayed to you what her son "saw".  What was her motivation for using such a hurtful phrase? It's not like she needed to include this piece of information to get her point across.

(Hugs)  I would definitely believe your daughter and distance your family from both this boy and his mom.

[SquirrellyMama]

Re: the word trash. I think both of the moms that talked to me (it was boy to mom, mom to friend, friend to me) are probably thinking that they are tell it like it is types. 

I would personally leave judgements on character out of it.

We aren't friends of the boy's family. We were in a HS group with them when the kids were young. 

I don't think the boy is lying. I really think he saw this happen. Whether it was my daughter is where I struggle. It would have been totally out of character. There were multiple buses taking kids to after prom, and it was dark. 

Is there a part of me that wonders if it could have been her, yes, of course. Kids do stupid things sometimes. So, I'm not totally dismissing this from my mind.

I will need to see if there is a pattern. The situation is not illegal or immediately life-threatening. 

 

 

[teachermom2834]

You are doing the right thing. When in doubt, back your kid up. But up your vigilance. 

You are entertaining the thought that it could be true so you are not doing the "my kid would never do that...blah blah blah".  If there is a chance your dd is telling you the truth, then choosing to believe the worst based on a story from someone else can be truly relationship damaging. 

[Carrie12345]

11 hours ago, Danae said:

 

That is a kid your daughter doesn't need to be around. And if the parent used those words to you and seemed to agree with the assessment then that's a family you don't need in your lives. Whatever your daughter may or may not have done.

THIS!

So, I'm not going to suggest lowering your guard to the possibility.  BUT, any adult who would repeat those words is not coming from a place of genuine concern and caring.  Bluntly, they're "talking sh*!"  Even if I deeply despised some crummy kid and/or their parent, I would NEVER repeat that someone (never mind my own kid) referred to them as trash.

[Mimm]

Regarding the word "trash," that's common among some teens and isn't meant to be as harsh as it sounds. They semi jokingly call people, themselves, trash. My daughter laughingly told a friend, "Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can do this. It's trash CAN not trash CAN'T." Now, this boy doesn't sound joking or light hearted, but I think he may just be borrowing terminology from those types of interactions not thinking about how horrible that sounds.

Pure speculation of course.

 

[Chris in VA]

I don't know. I have been in a situation where I was lied to for a long time by someone very close, and it seemed completely out of character. We discovered something, there was a tearful confession, and the behavior continued nonetheless. It was stunning. So I say yes, try to believe, but put up some boundaries. Sometimes we really don't want to see what is true because we hold our children's hearts and don't want to even think for a moment that they may make certain kinds of choices or mistakes, and they don't want to confess bc deep down they don't want to lose parental approval, even as they seek control over their own lives. 

Whew. I'm sure you can see this was a big deal, a heartbreakingly big deal, in our family. Hopefully for your dd, it is eotber a one-time mistake or it wasn't her. Just be prepared that it might have been, and be ready to listen, forgive, reassure, and move forward in the "trust but verify" mode. 

[sassenach]

15 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I think the line from the other kid of, "I used to think she was cool, but I guess she's trash" was more than I could handle.

I don't think the other kids is lying, but in the circumstance he really could have seen a different person. 

Or, it really was my daughter. I don't know.

 

2

Not that this changes much, but I do want to say that that phrase is currently being used in ways that aren't nearly as harsh as my ear wants to take it. The current use is much less weighty. Example: in sports, it gets used constantly when a player has a bad day. "That pitcher was trash."

I don't like it, but I've given up correcting my son because the way I hear the word (a synonym for worthless) is very different than the way kids are using it (did a bad job/did something bad).

[Katy]

So a boy saw someone doing something on the post-prom bus, and he thought it was your daughter, but whoever he saw was wearing a different outfit than your daughter?

Believe your daughter.  Be on guard in case she's lying, but assume she's being honest and the other kid was either mistaken or malicious.  And his mom doesn't have the good sense to not repeat insults in sharing her "concern" so don't trust her judgment either.

In high school I was repeatedly accused of being rude at events I didn't attend.  Apparently a girl a couple of years older than me (who I don't think looked that much like me) reminded someone I barely knew of me so much she was sure it was me.  And when the bewildered girl treated this woman like the stranger she was instead of with familiarity, she was rude.  Same woman yelled at me later at a family event about being so rude.  Luckily I was out of state with my parents on a vacation that day so there was NO DOUBT to anyone else there this woman was an idiot.

[GinaPagnato]

Yeah, my kids use the word "trash" but in their context it means "lame" or that something "sucks."

"That song is trash." "He played like trash." (lame, failure, etc.)

This sounds a lot more mean-spirited.

[gardenmom5]

19 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

If you are told that someone you know did something completely out of character, how do you choose who to believe?  I'm so torn up about this.

Kelly

1) i'd want to know just how credible "the source" is

2) i'd want to hear the person's version of events.   things can be so twisted, especially by leaving things out.  context can be very important.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would never believe the judgmental "morality police" over my own daughter (esp. if it is out of character and not something we've been dealing with).  Anyone who is ready to paint a big scarlet T for trash on someone else is not someone I am going to give any credence to. 

What I would do is to (continue) to shore up my relationship with my daughter.  I would make sure that her father has a good relationship with her as well. My understanding is that close father-daughter relationships provides some protection to girls in that they do not look as early for male affection elsewhere.  (I am not making a blanket statement here.  Obviously all relationships and children are individuals but I have seen some articles to support this.) 

[Ellie]

18 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

The person accused is my child. The person bringing it to my attention is an adult who was told by their child what they think they saw my dd doing. 

I have talked to my dd and the adult. There are a couple inconsistencies in the story from the adult. 

My daughter adamantly defends her innocence. 

It's something that, if I am wrong in trusting my dd, could spiral out of control badly. It is not something that could be tested for.

Kelly

 

So you haven't talked to the child accuser? That's problematic. You're only hearing the story second hand. Wouldn't that be called hearsay? You need to hear it directly from the child, in the presence of *your* child, because she should get to face her accuser.

[SquirrellyMama]

2 minutes ago, Ellie said:

So you haven't talked to the child accuser? That's problematic. You're only hearing the story second hand. Wouldn't that be called hearsay? You need to hear it directly from the child, in the presence of *your* child, because she should get to face her accuser.

I agree, but she said she wanted to keep her child out of it. 

[ktgrok]

I didn't read all the responses but did read the update. 

My word. 

All this fuss, with adults telling other adults, about KISSING and some dirty dancing?!?!

Last I checked, kissing wasn't a sin. Gossiping is. 

And calling someone trash?!?!!? If my son said that about a fellow human being we'd have a long talk about how each person is made in the image of God, and to never say that about someone. I would also caution my child not to engage in malicious gossip (especially as he didn't see everything first hand, and I'd better hard money that somewhere there is a jealous girl starting or feeding this nonsense), and leave it at that. 

I CERTAINLY would not be repeating this nonsense to anyone and would NOT repeat the word "trash" if I did. How hateful. It's absolutely hateful. And misogynistic. Wonder if that boy also called the BOY she was kissing and dancing with trash, hmmm? 

We may not wish our daughters to be doing this type of thing, and can speak with them about choices, reputations, appearances, hurt feelings when we are casual with our affections, etc. But it certainly does NOT rise to the level of "warn another parent about" in my book. 

Disgraceful. 

Hugs to your daughter, and hugs to you. I suggest you both take time this weekend, together, to bond a bit and heal from this malicious gossip. Maybe a trip to a coffee shop together or some retail therapy if you have the budget (even thrift store), or whatever you enjoy together. Let her know YOU don't think she is trash, even if she did every single thing they said and more, that who she is as a person is not defined by who she kisses, that her value as a child of God doesn't rest in who she kisses or what gossips say about her. MAYBE broach, gently that this type of thing does happen and can be a real problem, and she may want to consider her actions in light of this, but mostly I'd work on assuring her I loved her and that none of this defines her or makes me think less of her, no matter what. 

She might be blowing it off externally, but I can't imagine that kind of talk isn't hurting her deep down. 

[LarlaB]

20 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

If you are told that someone you know did something completely out of character, how do you choose who to believe?  I'm so torn up about this.

UPDATE- Mom of the boy talked to her son again. The original accusation was apparently a compilation of things that happened on prom night by different people which got turned into my daughter doing a whole lot of stuff I couldn't fathom her doing. We're left with he was uncomfortable with what he saw her doing on the dance floor (grinding dancing, maybe kissing) and kissing on the bus. She still insists it was a lot less than what the adults are picturing.

I'm still a bit scarred ?

 

Kelly

 

 I only have an 8th grade/14yr old.  So I know very little.

I can’t really “get” why his discomfort with her (supposed) behavior is such a thing and needs such attention. And why multiple parents are involved.  It comes across as judgmental and morality police.  Even if she was doing ALL of the things, she wasn’t doing anything illegal, immoral or life threatening.  It sounds like it was a general compilation of “he didn’t like what she was doing” and well, IMHO it’s not his business. And shame on the other moms for escalating it all in such a gossipy way.

FWIW, We trend conservative RE dating as teenagers, so I don’t like the thought/sound/image of teenagers grinding.  Makes me skeeve. But dancing and kissing?  Um really?  I don’t get the moral outrage to be honest. I AM annoyed at the other moms.

At the end of the day it’s my relationship with my kiddo, regardless of kiddos behavior, that’s is of utmost priority. Stay connected with your DD- defend her, listen, comfort, question and just keep talking.  

ETA:  the point of your post was your DD is saying it’s not true, RE what others are saying.  Maybe a little bit true, but it’s being magnified and for whatever reason she’s being called out.  I would validate with her that you believe what she says. Period.

 

[Garga]

20 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

If you are told that someone you know did something completely out of character, how do you choose who to believe?  I'm so torn up about this.

UPDATE- Mom of the boy talked to her son again. The original accusation was apparently a compilation of things that happened on prom night by different people which got turned into my daughter doing a whole lot of stuff I couldn't fathom her doing. We're left with he was uncomfortable with what he saw her doing on the dance floor (grinding dancing, maybe kissing) and kissing on the bus. She still insists it was a lot less than what the adults are picturing.

I'm still a bit scarred ?

Kelly

 

 

2 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I didn't read all the responses but did read the update. 

My word. 

All this fuss, with adults telling other adults, about KISSING and some dirty dancing?!?!

Last I checked, kissing wasn't a sin. Gossiping is. 

And calling someone trash?!?!!? If my son said that about a fellow human being we'd have a long talk about how each person is made in the image of God, and to never say that about someone. I would also caution my child not to engage in malicious gossip (especially as he didn't see everything first hand, and I'd better hard money that somewhere there is a jealous girl starting or feeding this nonsense), and leave it at that. 

I CERTAINLY would not be repeating this nonsense to anyone and would NOT repeat the word "trash" if I did. How hateful. It's absolutely hateful. And misogynistic. Wonder if that boy also called the BOY she was kissing and dancing with trash, hmmm? 

We may not wish our daughters to be doing this type of thing, and can speak with them about choices, reputations, appearances, hurt feelings when we are casual with our affections, etc. But it certainly does NOT rise to the level of "warn another parent about" in my book. 

Disgraceful. 

Hugs to your daughter, and hugs to you. I suggest you both take time this weekend, together, to bond a bit and heal from this malicious gossip. Maybe a trip to a coffee shop together or some retail therapy if you have the budget (even thrift store), or whatever you enjoy together. Let her know YOU don't think she is trash, even if she did every single thing they said and more, that who she is as a person is not defined by who she kisses, that her value as a child of God doesn't rest in who she kisses or what gossips say about her. MAYBE broach, gently that this type of thing does happen and can be a real problem, and she may want to consider her actions in light of this, but mostly I'd work on assuring her I loved her and that none of this defines her or makes me think less of her, no matter what. 

She might be blowing it off externally, but I can't imagine that kind of talk isn't hurting her deep down. 

 

Every single word here is exactly what I want to express as well.  Word for word. 

[alisoncooks]

After reading the update, I still think it sounds like sour grapes. Why in earth is this boy recounting these behaviors to his parents?!