Being a Parent to Adult Getting Married Young

[Guest]

As I have said before, I am not a big fan of young marriage and I discourage it in general. Howevet, if my kid got engaged anyway, I would do just what you’re doing. I would rather retain the relationship with my child than reject them so I can be “right.†If things don’t work out so hot, I want my kid to know there is still a place at my table for them.

[Crimson Wife]

 

Because of this, I am getting totally slammed.  "You are making this easy for them!  How can you be encouraging them like this?  I can't believe you're supporting/giving your approval to them getting married so young!"  When I point out that they can and will get married without our approval, I am being told that "by helping them out, you're telling them it's okay and a great idea"  The implication seems to be we should refuse to help with the wedding and refuse to give any advice, in the hope that maybe they will magically "come to their senses" and realize they are too young and should wait.    

 

I guess I'm half venting, half.... I don't know.  I am not going to respond to them getting married too young the same way I would respond if I thought this was a destructive or dangerous relationship.  That seems to be what is expected of me.  I am really tired of all the snide comments toward DH and I.

 

My parents reacted the way that people think you should and it caused a HUGE rift in our relationship. And I wasn't even a teenager, but you'd think I had been 15 the way my parents acted.

 

Didn't stop us from getting married and we just celebrated our 19th anniversary this week so the gloom-and-doomers were flat-out wrong about early marriage leading to a quick divorce.

[Soror]

This makes me thankful dh and I had such supportive parents, we were engaged 4 months after meeting and married within a year of our first date. Our family was never anything but thrilled for us. Heck, we mentioned marriage to each other 2 wks after meeting, we just knew. 18.5 yrs later here, we married at 20 and 23. I'm not thrilled with the idea of mine marrying early because I know that it can be difficult but I also know it can work. I'd much rather my kids marry early to someone well-suited for them then late to a jerk, it could be much worse!

[Guest]

PS.: if yourdaughter is amenable to reading a book, get her “ItTakes One to Tango.†Wish I had read that book, like, 24 years ago.

[rutamattatt]

I think you are handling this situation beautifully.

 

My sister got engaged young (married at 19) and my parents were adamently opposed.  Verbally opposed.  So.  Very.  Opposed.  They met with my sister and her fiance multiple times to try and talk them out of it, but they were determined.  While my parents did pay for the wedding, it was very obvious that they disapproved.  While that marriage failed, my sister never got over the way my parents treated them.  Her second wedding was an elopement with an abusive man.  I don't blame my parents for my sister's choice of course, but I know that she felt she couldn't talk to them honstly about what she was going through because of their disapproval.  

 

They to this day voice their disapproval about her first marriage.  To this day, I believe it hurts my sister.

[fraidycat]

I think you should be supportive but nothing wrong with spelling out to them how dang hard it will be. the one thing you don't' do is against or negative. They remember and be hurt for a long time at the naysayers

 

I was married at 20. It was a mistake and my life has been hard as hell. But we are still married 27 years later. I've been adamant with my sons wait to at least 25 for marriage and a bit later for kids. But if they dont' I will help them as much as they need. I know what its like to be on my own without family support at 18.

 

I think the kids really don't' know what they will miss out on growing up so fast. When they get around 30 they look back and figure out they should of waited to grow up LOL I was working full time and help raised my younger sibling. I was mature and life was life But I still at 47 really wish I would of had those early 20's to find me. When you enter marriage so young. You don't figure out your wants likes. You spend so much time compromising or as most women giving up you to keep a peaceful home. I had a kid at 23 and married someone with bipolar (didn't know that at young country girl 20 year old didn't even know what it was LOL) I went to college at 21 while working, married and a baby. My life has been hard.

 

Now what happen at 30 is they both work at it and stay together or one of them gets wow I haven't bar hopped, dated around and been a selfish 20 something. Then they may end up divorce. But you will be there for her and never say I told you so. My parents were never there for me. Yet I still supported and help them in their later years. Life is not fair or do over. We just do the best we can and be the best people we can be.

 

I know lots of people that married at 17-23 that are still married in their 40's and 50's But all of us have a religious belief in marriage so I think that helps keep- us- keeping- on

 

I know lots of people that waited to marry at 30 and are divorced at 45. There is no guarantee

depending on age. It all comes down to how stubborn someone is to keep married LOL. marriage is hard work no matter the age. My sister has been married 3 times and she is divorcing a guy that her marriage to him was his 6th (she is 45 and he is 55) Sometimes people never grow up.

 

Just love and be their for you kids. I think you are doing the right thing for your child

I got married at 25. Kids later. Life has been hard as hell at times. That’s just life.

 

In my observation, experience, and from what I have read throughout the years - nobody “finds themself†until later. Fourties/mid-life crisis age (not everyone has the crisis part, but many have an “awakening†of some kind). In your twenties you just do not have enough life experience to know ...much of anything, nevermind “yourself†as your ideas and ideals have yet to be tested and tried in any meaningful way - like the “perfect parent†who has no children.

Edited December 31, 2017 by fraidycat

[Crimson Wife]

 

 

I think the kids really don't' know what they will miss out on growing up so fast.  When they get around 30 they look back and figure out they should of waited to grow up  LOL  I was working full time and help raised my younger sibling.  I was mature and life was life  But I still at 47 really wish I would of had those early 20's to find me.  When you enter marriage so young.  You don't figure out  your wants likes.  You spend so much time compromising or as most women giving up you to keep a peaceful home.  I had a kid at 23  and married someone with bipolar (didn't know that at young country girl 20 year old didn't even know what it was LOL)  I went to college at 21 while working, married and a baby.  My life has been hard. 

 

Now what happen at 30 is they both work at it and stay together or one of them gets wow I haven't bar hopped, dated around and been a selfish 20 something.   Then they may end up divorce. 

 

The bolded is the B.S. that my parents kept saying to try and discourage me from getting married. I'm middle-aged now and I am *SOOOOO* glad that I married my first serious boyfriend and didn't waste my 20's bed-hopping with "bad boys" like so many of my sorority sisters did. I missed out on all sorts of drama and heartbreak because I was sensible enough to realize a good guy when I had one.

 

[MEmama]

I think you should be supportive but nothing wrong with spelling out to them how dang hard it will be. the one thing you don't' do is against or negative. They remember and be hurt for a long time at the naysayers

 

I was married at 20. It was a mistake and my life has been hard as hell. But we are still married 27 years later. I've been adamant with my sons wait to at least 25 for marriage and a bit later for kids. But if they dont' I will help them as much as they need. I know what its like to be on my own without family support at 18.

 

I think the kids really don't' know what they will miss out on growing up so fast. When they get around 30 they look back and figure out they should of waited to grow up LOL I was working full time and help raised my younger sibling. I was mature and life was life But I still at 47 really wish I would of had those early 20's to find me. When you enter marriage so young. You don't figure out your wants likes. You spend so much time compromising or as most women giving up you to keep a peaceful home. I had a kid at 23 and married someone with bipolar (didn't know that at young country girl 20 year old didn't even know what it was LOL) I went to college at 21 while working, married and a baby. My life has been hard.

 

Now what happen at 30 is they both work at it and stay together or one of them gets wow I haven't bar hopped, dated around and been a selfish 20 something. Then they may end up divorce. But you will be there for her and never say I told you so. My parents were never there for me. Yet I still supported and help them in their later years. Life is not fair or do over. We just do the best we can and be the best people we can be.

 

I know lots of people that married at 17-23 that are still married in their 40's and 50's But all of us have a religious belief in marriage so I think that helps keep- us- keeping- on

 

I know lots of people that waited to marry at 30 and are divorced at 45. There is no guarantee

depending on age. It all comes down to how stubborn someone is to keep married LOL. marriage is hard work no matter the age. My sister has been married 3 times and she is divorcing a guy that her marriage to him was his 6th (she is 45 and he is 55) Sometimes people never grow up.

 

Just love and be their for you kids. I think you are doing the right thing for your child

I'm sorry this was your experience, but I can assure you don't speak for every couple who marries young.

 

It might help to clarify that this was your personal experiences rather than deflecting.

[MomtoCandJ]

Dh and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 20, engaged at 20 and 21, married at 22 and 23. Had dd1 at 25 and 26, dd2 at 30 and 32 (dh had turned 32 the month before). Here we are 12 years later and still going strong. We have some friends that married around the same time that have divorced, I really think it’s just how much you (as a couple) are determined to make it work.

[unsinkable]

I'm sorry this was your experience, but I can assure you don't speak for every couple who marries young.

 

It might help to clarify that this was your personal experiences rather than deflecting.

Her whole post is FILLED with "I" and "me." It is pretty clear she is talking about herself and her personal experiences.

 

Besides, I think most people in the boards are smrt (/Homer Simpson) enough to realize she speaks for herself and not everyone else the whole wide world.

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

I got married at 19. DH was 22. We met 11.5 months before. I have no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing. We are still madly in love 15 years later. It was good for us to finish growing up together. We had a rough patch but most couples do at some point. We worked through it. We figured out finances, buying a house, changing jobs, being apart for job training, and raising children. I’m sure there will be many more new things to figure out in the future and no amount of time waiting to get married will change that.

[unsinkable]

Considering this board is filled with self-proclaimed introverts, I wonder how much that plays a role in all the early marriages?

[kristen18]

You are doing the right thing. My sister had just turned 20 & BIL was 21. My mom was apprehensive but totally supportive. My parents gave them a beautiful wedding. Less than a year later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and two years after that she passed away. My sister has wonderful memories and photos of their wedding day. They have 4 awesome kids & have been married for 22 years. Anything that a naysayer could have said means absolutely nothing today.

Edited December 31, 2017 by kristen18

[luuknam]

I was married at 20.  It was a mistake and my life has been hard as hell.  

 

 

Personally, I don't think we can ever really know whether something was a mistake or not, since we don't know what would have happened otherwise. Maybe things would have been better. Or maybe things would've been worse*. 

 

*Yes, there are some exceptions to this... if you happen to have married some seriously abusive guy who permanently locks you in the basement and tortures you every day etc, then things probably couldn't really have been worse. But, for the most part, we don't know what the alternative life path would've been, and "the grass is always greener" just isn't. 

[Crimson Wife]

Her whole post is FILLED with "I" and "me." It is pretty clear she is talking about herself and her personal experiences.

 

Besides, I think most people in the boards are smrt (/Homer Simpson) enough to realize she speaks for herself and not everyone else the whole wide world.

 

Reading through her post, what I take away from it is "don't marry someone with serious mental illness" rather than "don't marry young". I don't think it would be any easier to be married to someone bipolar when the marriage takes place at the "proper" age of 30something than it is when the marriage takes place at 20 or 21.

[Wheres Toto]

I was 21 when I got married the first time, and I do think age was a contributing factor to the divorce.  

 

I am in general opposed to young marriage but I think you are handling it exactly right.   Dd knows how I feel about it but if she wanted to get married young (she's already 23 and not even close so we're probably past that point) I would support her exactly the same.

[Minerva]

I was married at nineteen and divorced at twenty eight. I am so grateful that my parents were (outwardly) supportive of the marriage even though it didn't work out. It would have been hard for me to come to them when my marriage failed if I had felt their disapproval. Divorcing was already hard enough without having an "I told you so" attached to it. I needed my parents support and love an I always felt it. You are absolutely doing the right thing. 

 

 

[lexi]

I was 18 when we got married. Hubby was 21. I technically had not yet graduated high school. (We got married in April). I was homeschooled so I just finished my last few things after the wedding. I went to college. Hubby finished college and went to grad school.

We’re still happily married 15 years later.

Everyone thought we were nuts. Everyone thought my parents had lost their minds. People were very critical and sometimes downright rude.

But we just knew. And looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. Sure we were both immature but we’ve done a lot of growing up together. No regrets.

So just wanted to share a positive story about getting married really young.

But now as a parent myself I can see how anxious I would feel. My kids will never be old enough to get married. They are still my babies! Lol. I don’t want them to grow up.

Edited December 31, 2017 by lexi

[luuknam]

Reading through her post, what I take away from it is "don't marry someone with serious mental illness" rather than "don't marry young". I don't think it would be any easier to be married to someone bipolar when the marriage takes place at the "proper" age of 30something than it is when the marriage takes place at 20 or 21.

 

 

I think her point was that if she'd waiting until 30, she wouldn't have married a bipolar person, because she would've been older and wiser. Of course, who knows what would've happened if she'd waited. She could've done other life-altering things in her 20s, like be date raped by a guy with HIV, or become permanently disabled in a car accident driving home from a bar (being the drunk driver or just being hit by a drunk driver on the road), or who knows what. You don't know what would've happened. And no, of course it's possible that life would've been completely great - I'm not saying that the alternative life would've been worse - you just don't know.

 

ETA: also, no guarantee that she would've been wiser at 30. 

 

ETA2: I don't think it's always a mistake to marry someone with mental health issues... so long as they're taking their meds, getting their therapy, w/e. 

Edited December 31, 2017 by luuknam

[Crimson Wife]

Considering this board is filled with self-proclaimed introverts, I wonder how much that plays a role in all the early marriages?

 

I married young and while I come out slightly on the introverted side, I was also in a sorority in college and enjoy socializing with friends and acquaintances that I know well.

 

I attribute the fact that I married young to weeding out all the potential suitors who were just interested in a casual hookup. I wasn't looking for a husband per se when I met DH but I was looking for a serious relationship rather than just finding some hot guy for the night.

[bettyandbob]

The bolded is the B.S. that my parents kept saying to try and discourage me from getting married. I'm middle-aged now and I am *SOOOOO* glad that I married my first serious boyfriend and didn't waste my 20's bed-hopping with "bad boys" like so many of my sorority sisters did. I missed out on all sorts of drama and heartbreak because I was sensible enough to realize a good guy when I had one.

 

What the heck.

 

Why do you think the only thing missed is bed hopping and heart break? You've mentioned the importance of being in a sorority in the past, but then I don't think you've ever described your sorority sisters as people good to be around. Or maybe you were so judgemental they never got to know you or you them.

 

It's great you met a great man and knew it was a good thing. However, being single in your twenties is not a bad thing. Getting the tough beginnings of a career out of the way, perhaps save a lot, travel. Knowing and experiencing you being a fully independent adult can be a very good thing.

 

Marrying young and marrying later can both be successful. No reason to be judgemental of people who don't do it one way or another.

[Catwoman]

Is this the same relationship in which the DD couldn't sleep at the BF's house when she couldn't drive home?

 

Or am I confusing it with another poster?

 

I was thinking the same thing. 

 

I do remember being concerned for goldberry's dd in the past because the boyfriend's mother wasn't welcoming toward her, and I seem to recall it having been upsetting for goldberry's dd that the boyfriend wasn't supportive or helpful when it came to defending her to his family, and that he was unwilling to get involved in the problems between her and his mom. 

 

If that is still the case, I find it very worrisome because if she marries this guy, she needs to know he is willing to stand up for her, and that has not seemed to be the case in past incidents. 

 

I'm not saying goldberry should not pay for the wedding or that she shouldn't try to remain as close as she can to her dd no matter what happens, but I would definitely be sure her dd knew what concerns she has about existing problems and issues within the relationship, and to suggest that perhaps the dd might want to consider a long engagement before rushing into marriage. 

[frogger]

Just want to add, people change. I don't think I've found myself but I do think I'm a different person than 20 years ago. I will probably be very different in another 20 years.

 

 

People can also develope a mental illness. You might marry a healthy person and after a couple overseas military tours find yourself married to someone else. They might get a virus that affects them or just develope something over time. If you want a sure bet, risk free spouse you will have to find an android like in the Steford Wives.

[rocassie]

Many, many marriages fail - young and old alike.  The common factor I see (IRL) in the majority that have been successful is having supportive friends and family that don't bail on them.  Good marital counseling can also really benefit this young couple.  

 

If the marriage ends up failing, it won't be because you were supportive during the whole wedding/marriage process.  However having support during their struggles because let's face it all marriages have struggles, may make the difference in this young couple succeeding.

 

Good luck!  You are in a tough spot. :grouphug:

[RootAnn]

My dad was supportive of my then-bf when he asked permission to marry me. I think I was 20 at the time. My mom, however, freaked out. Once she got it out of her system, she bit her tongue - I'm sure it was very hard for her. (She now says she couldn't see what I liked about DH then, but has since had a chance to realize all his awesome qualities.) I didn't get married until I was 21. I love and appreciate him even more now than when we got married.

 

I was VERY impressed with the FOCCUS questionnaire and process when DH and I went through it before having our marriage consolidated by the Catholic Church. They developed it, but many religions and organizations use it, not just Catholics. It covered EVERYTHING, and you take it separately, and then meet with a mentor couple to discuss the places your answers disagree or conflict. It's not a test to see if you should get married, but a way to explore differences so you avoid being blindsided. http://www.foccusinc.com/facilitators-find.aspx

 

YMMV. I have no idea where the questionnaire we were forced to use came from, but the priest who went over our results with us was adamant that we wouldn't last long. Our differences were too huge and insurmountable. (Not sure where, "all things are possible through God" plays into that.) We got the lecture on being too immature, too young, etc. I still want to send that priest a Christmas card every year ("20 years and counting! Blessings!")  :lol:  We didn't take the advice from the priest or discuss our results on that test any further than the counseling session we were required to attend because of it. Our (few, as I see it) differences have made us stronger as a couple.

 

OP, please keep up the good work with your quiet assistance. Relationship is important.

 

PS - All three of my brothers divorced at least once. All three got married older than I did. Picking the right person, IMO, is more important than age.

Edited January 1, 2018 by RootAnn

[goldberry]

Thank you so much for the support, it really makes me feel much better.  

 

Just to be clear, we knew it was headed this way and we had many - many - conversations about why it would be better to wait, about potential difficulties, both practical and emotional.  DD very clearly knew our feelings on the matter.  

 

So, pros or cons of young marriage aside, I just don't see the point of continuing to try to make them change their minds.  If this was an abusive or destructive relationship, we would have to distance ourselves so we wouldn't be part of it.  But that is not the case, and I am not going to subtly jab them over and over again because they didn't take my advice. 

 

Oh, and yes, they are doing pre-marital counseling.  Very willingly.

 

One friend in particular thinks that by us continuing to pay for college and paying for wedding stuff we are "making it too easy" for them.  I said, "well, I'm sure they are going to struggle plenty, so don't worry!"  :glare:

[goldberry]

Considering this board is filled with self-proclaimed introverts, I wonder how much that plays a role in all the early marriages?

 

 

I'm an introvert... but DD is an extreme extrovert.  How the guy puts up with her talking I'll never know, but he actually seems to enjoy it..  :confused1:

[goldberry]

I was thinking the same thing. 

 

I do remember being concerned for goldberry's dd in the past because the boyfriend's mother wasn't welcoming toward her, and I seem to recall it having been upsetting for goldberry's dd that the boyfriend wasn't supportive or helpful when it came to defending her to his family, and that he was unwilling to get involved in the problems between her and his mom. 

 

If that is still the case, I find it very worrisome because if she marries this guy, she needs to know he is willing to stand up for her, and that has not seemed to be the case in past incidents. 

 

I'm not saying goldberry should not pay for the wedding or that she shouldn't try to remain as close as she can to her dd no matter what happens, but I would definitely be sure her dd knew what concerns she has about existing problems and issues within the relationship, and to suggest that perhaps the dd might want to consider a long engagement before rushing into marriage. 

 

It is the same relationship.  There have been some pretty significant changes for the good in the last 3-4 months.  BF left for basic training. 3 months.  DD was away at college.  It was sort of a make-or-break situation.  DD made huge strides in independence, focused on school, made friends, etc.  BF discovered he was a grown man.  He was home over Thanksgiving.  His mom tried to pull a bit of a power play (we want some just family time with you) and he said, "I can be here with DD, or I can be gone with DD if you don't want her here.  Your choice."  Needless to say, they chose to invite DD to Thanksgiving dinner and to hang out at the house.  Since that time, things have changed with his family.  He stood his ground and they got the message.

 

When he told them he was going to ask her to marry him, they said all the stuff we said, too young, too fast, etc.  He said, I love her and this is what we're doing.  They said... okay, welcome to the family.  (Note, they always claimed to like DD, just it was too soon, etc.  They never said they didn't like her or it was a bad relationship.)

 

So, positive steps for both him and DD.  I was encouraged to see the progress. 

[teachermom2834]

You are doing great. I was engaged at 20 and married at 21 to a guy I had been in a long distance relationship with and never lived in the same town with for more than six weeks before we were married.

 

My parents were supportive and never expressed any concerns or warnings. Other people did (mostly asked if I was pregnant) but it was helpful to not get that from my parents. I do wish my parents would have been more involved and offered advice when asked. They acted like we were fully formed adults and getting married meant we were completely on our own. I think that was their attempt to respect us as adults but I really didn't feel we could go to them with questions or to ask advice without looking like little kids.

 

I think it is great that you are being supportive and they are asking for and receptive to advice. Dh and I went from college to marriage and we had no idea how to do any kind of adulting. We figured it out but things were harder than they needed to be.

 

You are doing it right!

[Frances]

Considering this board is filled with self-proclaimed introverts, I wonder how much that plays a role in all the early marriages?

If I had to guess, I'd say it's more likely related to people saving themselves for marriage. At least among my college friends and the children of our friends now, those are the ones getting married early rather than living together first.

[ktgrok]

 

YMMV. I have no idea where the questionnaire we were forced to use came from, but the priest who went over our results with us was adamant that we wouldn't last long. Our differences were too huge and insurmountable. 

 

SaveSaveWow! We met with a mature couple, not a priest. And they reassured us at the beginning that they never tell anyone they should or shouldn't get married, they are just there to facilitate discussion. 

[Zinnia]

I think you are doing the right thing.

 

We weren't young marrieds (we were 26 and 29), but I am a but jealous of our friends that married young. Lucky for us, we were still immature enough that we consider we grew up together. :)

[ebrindam]

My parents got married at 18 and 19 years old. They are still together 47 years later. It hasn't been easy. There have been whole years where things were really, really hard. But no one thought they'd last - and they have. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I am very against getting married young, very few people I know IRL made it "to death do us part" after marrying young but, I was supportive when DD2 got married last summer days prior to her 20th b-day to her 19 y.o. on/off bf of almost 4 years.  I would be helpful and supportive if after talking and working through my concerns my younger children were to choose to marry young (over 18 under 25).  Why? because I value my relationship with my child and, here's the important part, I can't tell the future and it IS their life. 

[MomtoCandJ]

You are doing the right thing. My sister had just turned 20 & BIL was 21. My mom was apprehensive but totally supportive. My parents gave them a beautiful wedding. Less than a year later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and two years after that she passed away. My sister has wonderful memories and photos of their wedding day. They have 4 awesome kids & have been married for 22 years. Anything that a naysayer could have said means absolutely nothing today.

I’m also glad dh and I got married when we did because my dad passed away 25 days later of a massive heart attack. My wedding pictures are the last pictures we have of him and I refuse to have my dress cleaned because my dad’s foot prints are all over my train

[Mbelle]

I think you are doing the right thing.  

 

[sassenach]

Thank you so much for the support, it really makes me feel much better.

 

Just to be clear, we knew it was headed this way and we had many - many - conversations about why it would be better to wait, about potential difficulties, both practical and emotional. DD very clearly knew our feelings on the matter.

 

So, pros or cons of young marriage aside, I just don't see the point of continuing to try to make them change their minds. If this was an abusive or destructive relationship, we would have to distance ourselves so we wouldn't be part of it. But that is not the case, and I am not going to subtly jab them over and over again because they didn't take my advice.

 

Oh, and yes, they are doing pre-marital counseling. Very willingly.

 

One friend in particular thinks that by us continuing to pay for college and paying for wedding stuff we are "making it too easy" for them. I said, "well, I'm sure they are going to struggle plenty, so don't worry!" :glare:

It’s kind of like when you start homeschooling. At some point you just have to make it clear that you are no longer inviting other’s opinions. “Friend, I hear you, but this topic is closed for discussion. I am not going to have this conversation with you anymore. Our decision is firm.†Edited January 1, 2018 by Sassenach

[Moonhawk]

Thanks for supporting them, even though you have reservations. Supporting them and having them see you as going into this new chapter with them, not against them or undermining them from the start,will make all the difference later. It doesn't have to be overly enthusiastic, and that probably wouldn't see genuine anyway, but you are communicating a whole lot of love and encouragement to your kid by taking this approach, and that is a great basis for the next phase of your relationship with them. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

Thank you for supporting them and continuing to support your child’s education.

[Amber in SJ]

I was in a similar situation with my eldest.  My 18 yo dd was seriously dating a young man who was about to go on a two year mission for our church.  All of my mom friends told me I needed to tell her to break up with him so he could concentrate on his mission & she could date while he was gone.  What they didn't know is I know my daughter better than anyone.  If those words had left my lips she would have dragged that boy to Vegas just to show me.  

 

I felt like it was more important to keep the lines of communication open.

 

You are making your choice to support them emotionally based on your knowledge of your daughter.  No one else knows her like you do, so no one else should be second guessing your decision.  Being loving & supportive is never the wrong choice.

 

All of that being said, I'd see if they would be open to pre-marital counseling or a couples class for engaged couples.

 

Amber in SJ

 

 

Edited January 1, 2018 by Amber in SJ

[Lizzie in Ma]

My oldest and her husband were in a relationship since they were 16.  They were married in August of this year at 20 and 21.  I can't imagine not being supportive and I'd be happy to kick anyone's a** who opened their big mouth with an unwelcome opinion.

They live with us and will until my sil graduates in two years.

[Katy]

I wish I'd met & married DH earlier. Being single in your 20's isn't as idealistic as some people make it seem.  There's so much growing up to do between 18 & 25 that I really think the idea that it's easier to be married or it's easier to be single is ridiculous. You're going to get hurt no matter what happens, life is hard that way.  The hurts are so much easier to take when you're in a supportive and healthy relationship rather than being alone.

 

If your DD's relationship was abusive or there was mental illness or addiction involved I might refuse to be supportive, but that's not a factor here, so supportive is the only thing that matters. 

[marbel]

I know people who married young and have wonderful, long-lasting marriages.  And others who don't.

 

The bolded is the B.S. that my parents kept saying to try and discourage me from getting married. I'm middle-aged now and I am *SOOOOO* glad that I married my first serious boyfriend and didn't waste my 20's bed-hopping with "bad boys" like so many of my sorority sisters did. I missed out on all sorts of drama and heartbreak because I was sensible enough to realize a good guy when I had one.
 

 

I married my first boyfriend and knew it was a mistake all along, but I was stupid; it was doomed from the start, and I knew it even if I wouldn't admit it. So I was divorced by age 25.

 

Then I spent the rest of my 20s and early 30s drinking, barhopping, and doing all the things that go along with that.  I am not proud of those years of my life.  But I did learn a lot, and I'm glad those years are over.

 

But it's not like that for everyone.  I know some lovely single women in their 20s and 30s who are living great lives. Some are still hoping to marry; some have figured it's not going to happen for them and they seem to be content with that.

 

Point is it's different for everyone. 

 

Seems like Goldberry knows her daughter well and is being supportive in all the right ways.  I would see if I could encourage premarital counseling. My second/last/permanent husband and I did that, and it was well worth the time.  Having an objective person give advice and warnings is a lot different from parents giving it.  

 

 

[J-rap]

Personally, I don't think we can ever really know whether something was a mistake or not, since we don't know what would have happened otherwise. Maybe things would have been better. Or maybe things would've been worse*. 

 

*Yes, there are some exceptions to this... if you happen to have married some seriously abusive guy who permanently locks you in the basement and tortures you every day etc, then things probably couldn't really have been worse. But, for the most part, we don't know what the alternative life path would've been, and "the grass is always greener" just isn't. 

 

Great point.

[Starr]

I've never understood why parents would give more financial help for education to an unmarried child than a married one. 

[marbel]

I've never understood why parents would give more financial help for education to an unmarried child than a married one. 

 

I don't know that I would treat married/unmarried kids differently in this way, but I can see why people might.

 

Getting married is an adult thing to do.  In general, adults aren't or shouldn't be financially dependent on their parents.  Students are a gray area, in a way, because legally the child is an adult but still somewhat dependent on parental support.

 

I should add that I'm talking about typical attitudes which I have observed in the US.  

 

When I went back to college in my late 20s to finish my bachelor's, I wasn't married but was living on my own. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my dad to pay for my return to college.  I was self-supporting and I did it.  Of course, that was over 30 years ago when my state U tuition was actually affordable.

 

ETA: Just to be clear, I'm talking about my own experiences and observations, not saying this is the proper attitude for all.

Edited January 1, 2018 by marbel

[HS Mom in NC]

It sounds like there are boundaries issues with your friends and family.  Don't confuse them by beginning conversations with them about all the details (if you are.) If they're asking general "what's up with you these days" type questions, keep it brief, general, and upbeat about the wedding and move on to another topic quickly because they have a history of not being able to handle that topic of conversation well.
 

[HS Mom in NC]

My father got married in his early 20s, early 30s and early 40s.  All ended in divorce within the first 8 years. He had a drinking problem in the first marriage and was sober for the other two.

 

My mother married in her early 20s and early 30s.  One ended in divorce and the second she said would have if he hadn't worked the night shift.

 

Oldest sibling married in his late 20s.  He's divorced.

I have a step-sister whose has 3 sets of kids from 3 marriages-one in her late teens (after having a baby,) one in her mid 20s, one in her 30s, (he died) and she's married to her 4th now in her mid 40s.
 

My in-laws married at 19 and 20 and hate each other. They're still married.

I got married at 20 (husband was 26) and am still married.  The first 12 were great, then there was some mental illness, it was really hard for about 10 years, and it's OK now. 

 

There's just no way to categorize young marriage (among legal adults) as good or bad-it just depends on the situation.  And older marriage isn't categorically any better.  Sorry folks, but there are plenty of disastrous older marriages just like there are plenty of good ones.  Every decision in life has trade offs, and every individual handles life circumstances differently, so people need to stop trying to tell others what's best for them and deal with their own marriages.

I do advocate federal and state law that only allows legal adults to marry.  Marriage is adult behavior and there's no way legal standards can apply to every individual out there, so I would gladly support political candidates serious about ending all the exceptions for minors.  You can wait until you're a legal adult to marry even if you're pregnant and your parents support the idea of getting married. Don't play the morality card for minor aged marriage when you voluntarily had sex before marriage and got pregnant.  It's not the end of the world to be born out of wedlock anymore.  Parents can get married when they're both 18.
 

Edited January 1, 2018 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[goldberry]

There's so much growing up to do between 18 & 25 that I really think the idea that it's easier to be married or it's easier to be single is ridiculous. You're going to get hurt no matter what happens, life is hard that way.  The hurts are so much easier to take when you're in a supportive and healthy relationship rather than being alone.

 

So much yes.

 

 

I don't know that I would treat married/unmarried kids differently in this way, but I can see why people might.

 

Getting married is an adult thing to do.  In general, adults aren't or shouldn't be financially dependent on their parents.  Students are a gray area, in a way, because legally the child is an adult but still somewhat dependent on parental support.

 

I totally agree that adults should not be financially dependent.  It wasn't automatic we were still going to pay for school, DH and I discussed it at length.  We just both agreed that the reason we were helping in the first place was to encourage a path that would lead to future good things for her, hopefully a path that would leave her less likely to need help in the future.  We still want to encourage that. That doesn't change because she gets married.  And, we're not doing anything "extra" than what we were going to be doing anyway.  There was already a plan in place, and we are just sticking with the plan.

Edited January 1, 2018 by goldberry