Do you want a funeral or ceremony of some kind?

[OrganicJen]

If my family want to have some sort of gathering to remember me I don't care, however I'm sickened at even the thought of people looking at my dead body, my body being dressed up and made to look like I'm sleeping, or any such service where I'm on display in some manner. To me personally I feel like it's a desecration of my corpse and I would want my family to find another way to say their goodbyes and remember me.

[foxbridgeacademy]

DH's best friend (talked to him/played xBox daily) died last weekend unexpectedly.  He wanted to be cremated and to not have any memorial.  Dh and their other friends would probably have benefited from some kind of get together but those were his wishes.  

 

I always thought we'd do the same, cremation and no fuss but seeing how torn up DH is (they were like brothers) I think we'll at least let whoever wants to have a memorial type thing.

[marbel]

 A good friend of mine died unexpectedly at age 34.  We had met at work, and worked together for some years, then she moved to a different state and died shortly after that. (sorry for long background.)  I went to her funeral, and then when I got back home, to the city where we'd met and worked together, other colleagues wanted to have some sort of 'thing' as a memorial.  We ended up meeting in a bar, which was appropriate, actually, since this group had done a lot of socializing there.  I told them about the funeral, etc.  it was helpful for those folks who wouldn't/couldn't have flown from CA to TX for the funeral but wanted some sort of closure.  Honestly, it wasn't till after the funeral that it really hit me that she was gone.

[SparklyUnicorn]

ppl should party when I go

 

I like the idea of donating my body to a medical uni...

 

But really the ppl left behind should do what they want/need to do.  I'll be dead, what do I care?

 

 

[Annie G]

If my family feels they need a funeral or a ceremony or something to help them with closure then it's ok with me. But don't do it for me and do NOT put my body on display. 

 

My sister held a bbq 18 months after her husband passed and then tossed his ashes in the ocean he loved so much. Perfect.  I would love that. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

http://www.sciencecare.com/

 

This strikes me as the most straightforward way.  Especially if you live in a state that allows preregistration. 

 

I seriously think I'll do this.

 

 

[OrganicJen]

I don't mean to make light of death, but I had to chuckle a little that some people have mentioned being cremated and having a barbeque.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Eh, why not make light of death?  It's a fact of life.  We pretend it's not...but it is.

 

So might as well crack some jokes about it. 

[guilfordlake]

No, I do not want a funeral or ceremony of any kind. If people want to take it upon themselves to gather together and tell stories, that's up to them. But it won't be planned or organized by myself or dh. He's of the same mindset.

[HomeAgain]

I don't mean to make light of death, but I had to chuckle a little that some people have mentioned being cremated and having a barbeque.

 

:laugh:

 

We are not the most solemn people. Death is a fact of life in our circles, lol, and it's met head on with jokes and reminiscing.  Even our kids have already thrown in their .02, trying to decide what will go on our memorial stone in the garden - everything from bad puns to inside jokes.  (They've also divvied up the good stuff, deciding who gets what from the house.  Good to know they'll be all set.  :lol: )

 

The bbq is totally going to be one last bit of fun, and something his friends will most certainly appreciate. :D

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Eh, why not make light of death?  It's a fact of life.  We pretend it's not...but it is.

 

So might as well crack some jokes about it. 

My grandmother's funeral was the funniest event I have ever been to.   She lived a long and productive life and while I was sad she was gone we all had been expecting it.  Also, the minister had known her a long time.  She had tutored his kids, acted like a surrogate parent when his own parents kind of abandoned him for a bit, supported his wife through health issues, etc.  He had years of stories to tell and 90% of them were funny. He was a brilliant storyteller, as was my grandmother.  She would have appreciated all those funny moments preserved and shared.  We laughed through nearly the entire ceremony.  It was a great send off.

[happi duck]

If my family want to have some sort of gathering to remember me I don't care, however I'm sickened at even the thought of people looking at my dead body, my body being dressed up and made to look like I'm sleeping, or any such service where I'm on display in some manner. To me personally I feel like it's a desecration of my corpse and I would want my family to find another way to say their goodbyes and remember me.

Ita!

 

This was what especially bothered me when my father's wishes weren't respected.

[Rosie_0801]

I have such mixed feelings.  I have written down some suggestions and we already have a plot.  But honestly, I HATE funerals and for those of you that say it is for the living...which ones of the living?  People grieve in SO many different ways..  If one of my children or my husband would die, I would be forced to have a funeral for them, but honestly, all I would want to do would be to get in a car and drive far, far away.  I don't want to be forced to have a viewing where I stand in line and tell everyone how glad I am they came and hear sorry they all are...  It was hard for my dad.  It would be excruciating for someone really close to me that wasn't older.  My husband's grandmother was 102.  That one was fine.  We were celebrating her life...  My cousin who committed suicide at 25 not so much...  I felt so sorry for his mom...  She wasn't even really there.  So which "for the living" are funerals for and how do you truly accommodate that?  To me, death stinks no matter how you slice it.  Just the way it is.  No matter which way you go, you will have made it hard for someone either the person who needs closure or the person who doesn't want fanfare.  You cannot please both. 

 

Nah. As a grieving wife or mother, you can get away with sobbing in a corner and getting other people to do the work. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I've been googling body donation and body farms a bit. Fascinating how things have changed over the years.

 

 

[Julie Smith]

I'm thinking of donating my body to the local medical school. They have a memorial ceremony once a year and invite the families of all those who have donated. My family is free to do whatever else they fancy.

Diong that is starting to be common in our family.

[3 ladybugs]

I have no idea what I want to happen to me when I am gone. I guess I should think about that some more. For years I have always assumed that I would be buried and if I went first, I would be buried with the ashes of our 3 lost children. Conversely for my DH. 

 

However I have a guilty pleasure (strange word but honestly I do like these videos) of this You Tube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/OrderoftheGoodDeath and she brings up some good points about things to think about before one dies. So now I am pondering that. The water cremation seems interesting. 

 

However, I also like the idea of a tombstone. So who knows what I will do. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would like to follow the customs of our church.

They are meaningful and teach well.

No eulogy in the service.

Visitation the night before at the funeral home.  Viewing available but optional.

 

Service at the back of the church with the casket there, at the beginning of the funeral.  Then the casket is wheeled to the front of the church and the funeral proceeds.  Then a *brief* coffee reception at the parish hall.  Then a procession to the cemetery for the graveside service.  Then a long reception at someone's home.  Specific, encouraging Bible readings at the funeral and graveside service.  Happy memories at the home.

[MeghansMom]

I wish to be cremated. I want to be a tree. No seriously.

 

I don't wish to have a public memorial. Just a private one for my immediate family.

 

 

[Guest]

I don’t care at all -whatever those left behind wish to do is fine by me. Well, maybe not selling my organs on the black market, lol. But anything normal. Have a ceremony. Have a candle-lit service and sing hymns. Or folk songs! Whatever. But DH and I already own a plot where our baby girl is buried, so I do expect something there to represent me, if only my name and dates.

[TechWife]

:laugh:

 

We are not the most solemn people. Death is a fact of life in our circles, lol, and it's met head on with jokes and reminiscing.  Even our kids have already thrown in their .02, trying to decide what will go on our memorial stone in the garden - everything from bad puns to inside jokes.  (They've also divvied up the good stuff, deciding who gets what from the house.  Good to know they'll be all set.  :lol: )

 

The bbq is totally going to be one last bit of fun, and something his friends will most certainly appreciate. :D

 

 

We have an inside joke of sorts on my father's marker. In his later years, when everyone would ask him how he was doing, he'd respond "Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful." That's what we had put on his marker under the info required by the veterans cemetery (family gets three lines, with a character limit on each line). 

SaveSave

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've been googling body donation and body farms a bit. Fascinating how things have changed over the years.

 

Oh now I haven't heard of body farms.  That sounds a bit iffy.  LOL

[Ausmumof3]

I think, though I could be wrong, that if you want to donate your body to science, that you have to set that up before you die. And a family member can veto it after you're gone. They will honor the wishes of the living over the dead. And there might be fees for getting the body to the university (or wherever it goes.). Something I read ages ago led me to believe that you couldn't just have someone die and then quickly call a university to come get the body. It needed to be arranged ahead of time.

 

So, if one is serious about leaving one's body to science, one might want to find out how to do that in advance or it might not happen after one is dead.

I believe there are certain things that need to be done at the end of life to keep the body useful to medical science.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I believe there are certain things that need to be done at the end of life to keep the body useful to medical science.

 

I don't think so.  Seems there are some reasons for being rejected that seem common (from company to company who handles this sort of thing) and those are IV drug use, HIV, Hep C, and severe obesity.  But I haven't read about anything in particular that needs to be done. 

[Liz CA]

Interesting.  I do too.  I don't want to see anyone else's either.  My parents don't understand that.  When my mom's sister died, she looked bad.  They had her in a different room and only opened the casket upon request.  My mother insisted she not only see it but tried to get everyone else to too.  I don't get it.  

 

 

It really depends. For some people they feel they have to see the body to believe the person is dead.

Having said that, I don't want anyone gawking at me when I am dead. :)

But when it all comes down to it, I probably don't care one way or another since I won't be here.

[Liz CA]

I don’t care at all -whatever those left behind wish to do is fine by me. Well, maybe not selling my organs on the black market, lol. But anything normal. Have a ceremony. Have a candle-lit service and sing hymns. Or folk songs! Whatever. But DH and I already own a plot where our baby girl is buried, so I do expect something there to represent me, if only my name and dates.

 

 

This reminded me about the "dash" between the dates being the most important thing. :)

[Rosie_0801]

Um... absolutely not...  I do not cry in front of ANYONE.  Period. 

 

 But for me...just me and only me...no one sees me cry. 

 

Then I recommend swooning and confining yourself to your room, a la Mrs Bennet. If they're all used to you being stoic, it should work a treat.

[AimeeM]

I do want a funeral if I pass, yes.

 

With that said, I pretty firmly believe that the very least the dead deserves is to have their wishes respected with regards to end of life care and ceremonies. 

[solascriptura]

I haven't really thought it through, although I'm pretty sure there will be a ceremony.

 

My mom passed away in October after a ten-month fight with pancreatic cancer. Knowing her time was limited, we were able to make some wonderful memories (chemo was effective for a while for her, so she had some good stretches).

 

Right when she found out (last December), she started making plans for a huge 80th birthday party in July. She catered the event at the senior center where she volunteered and asked that all meal donations go to support the center as a fundraiser. She invited the community and relatives and close friends. We had people driving and flying in from all over the country, and she got to spend great time with the people dear to her. It was also a reason for them to travel to see her while she was, seemingly, well to say what they wanted to and give her a last hug. She assumed, in December, she would not live to see her 80th bday and wanted the fundraiser to take place anyway, as her memorial.

 

Since she did live past her birthday, she planned a memorial that was basically an old-fashioned hymn sing with a short tribute from the pastor. We had a lunch before the service for family (again, I was astounded and touched at how many flew in). I asked that everyone who wanted to would wear red, since that was her favorite color, and the sanctuary was a sea of red, with red roses up front. (The arrangement that made me cry was four single red roses—one representing each of her three best lifetime friends and one representing her.)

 

She had requested to be cremated, and the remains were not at the memorial. (Yes, the pastor asked if I wanted them front and center, and I said no.)

 

Both events' intent was to celebrate life and community; my mom made it clear she didn't want the focus to be on her or on death.

 

We will have a graveside service with just my brother and me and our families this spring.

 

Anyway, her requests were unorthodox, but I'm glad I went with them. I would have underestimated how meaningful those events would be to me.

This all sounds lovely. A true celebration of your mother’s life.

[Elizabeth86]

It really depends. For some people they feel they have to see the body to believe the person is dead.

Having said that, I don't want anyone gawking at me when I am dead. :)

But when it all comes down to it, I probably don't care one way or another since I won't be here.

I always said this too, but I didn't get to see my brothers body and I still don't have complete closure because of it.

[regentrude]

The one thing I know is that I do not want to be buried in a cemetery with a headstone. I do not want to saddle my children with the feeling that they have to return periodically to this inconvenient place just because that's where the grave is, or feel guilty if they don't. I would like my ashes to be dispersed in nature. 

And absolutely no open casket anything; I find these distasteful.

Edited December 24, 2017 by regentrude

[BarbecueMom]

In the context of writing wills, this question has come up lately.

 

On one hand, I don't really care.  Do what you need to do, loved ones.   Not totally sold on cremation, but don't like open casket.  Just do not for any reason put my name on one of those "mobile memorial" stickers on a car's back windshield.  I will haunt whoever does that.

 

But the part that's throwing me off about all this is being a non-religious household in a family that is entirely of one faith.  DH's entire extended family is Baptist - both sides.  My paternal grandfather was a minister (Disciples of Christ), and my maternal extended family is a mish-mash of Catholic and Baptist.  We are possibly the only pointedly not religious (as opposed to "not going to church on Sundays") household in the family.  Most are very active in their church.  We are sort of in the closet about this.

 

If something happened to DH or my kids, I would have zero comfort in a religious funeral service.  It would confuse my children that barely know what goes on in a church - they mostly know that other people go there on Sundays and it has something to do with a religion prominent in European history.  But having a secular memorial service would be like dropping a huge grief-bomb on extended family.  It would crush his grandparents, who have already buried a daughter and grandson, and that hope of a reunion of believers in heaven is what gives them comfort.  A funeral that intentionally omits that would be traumatic for them.  A funeral that focused on it would be traumatic for me.

 

I've already had a lifetime of religious ceremonies and traditional to-dos to appease others.  I would refuse that the last thing I do for my spouse or child be one of them.

 

(Side Note:  I am curious how non-religious funerals work.  I've never actually been to a secular service.  Who leads the thing?  Especially when you are an introvert with very few people you are close to or see regularly.)

[Garga]

I always said this too, but I didn't get to see my brothers body and I still don't have complete closure because of it.

DH and I would like to be cremated, but we'd do our very, very, very best to hold it off long enough for our parents and children to see us before the cremation, if they choose to for closure. Not like an official viewing and not with embalming. But rather like on tv when they call someone in to identify a body--those bodies have not been embalmed. They're kept cold so they don't decompose too fast before they can be identified. The body would be ready to be cremated, and just the closest of family would look at it before it happens.

 

I'm 99% sure that even when you're cremated, you can go in and see the body before it happens. I read a book about a woman whose husband died, and she was able to go in and wash him and arrange his hair and help put some clothes on him before the cremation. You just have to be fast before it starts to decompose and stink (sorry to be blunt.). After she cared for him, she waited for the cremation to be done. It can take hours from what I recall. I read this book about a decade ago, so it's a bit fuzzy and things may be different now or different in different areas of the country.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Garga

[Garga]

Once I found out that they do things like sew the eyelids shut and use giant straight pins to keep the mouth closed, I decided on no viewing. The embalming process is horrible enough without knowing about the sewing and pins. And now whenever there is a funeral with an open casket, all I can think about is how the body has its eyes sew shut and needles sticking in the jaw. I just can't bear the thought of that happening to the body of someone I love. I can't imagine looking at my sons or husband and thinking of those needles in them. I would never be able to get that idea out of my mind and it would feel like they were in constant pain with needles in their faces, even though that's completely illogical.

 

Cremation without embalming seems much more respectful of the body to me.

 

And, as I said before, when someone I love has died, I feel a huge draw to be with others. It's a bit strange how powerful the draw is to be with others. It's sort of like when I gave birth--I normally greatly dislike being touched; I don't hug, I don't lightly touch people on the arm, etc. But as I was giving birth, there was a nurse there, and I had to touch her. I reached out and grabbed her hand and hung on to her through the contractions and she stood there and held my hand. Other than boyfriends, my husband, and my children, I have never once in my life wanted to hold someone's hand. But in that time, I was like a different person and needed that touch. It's like that with death. I normally am pretty introverted and don't rely on others, but when someone dies, I need to be with others.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Garga

[Liz CA]

This thread reminded me how funeral customs change over time.

In my grandmother's stack of photos, there were several "strange" looking ones. When I asked her, she'd say: "Oh that's xyz in his casket."

Not only did they have open caskets but people took pictures.

[Rosie_0801]

(Side Note:  I am curious how non-religious funerals work.  I've never actually been to a secular service.  Who leads the thing?  Especially when you are an introvert with very few people you are close to or see regularly.)

 

Much the same way, except it is a secular celebrant instead of a religious one, and they play secular music and read secular poems instead of hymns and holy book excerpts.

[umsami]

So for Muslims, after whichever prayer you die closest to (of the 5 daily prayers), the people in your local mosque will do a special funeral prayer.  It's short, takes less then 5 minutes.  I don't think there's a concept of an eulogy or anything.   They just kind of announce....OK after the asr prayer we're going to do janazah (funeral) prayers for the father of So-and-so who died yesterday or whatever.  

 

In Egyptian culture, the then do something called the 'azza (which I'm probably saying wrong), where basically women go visit the women of the family who died, men go visit the men.  Every single one I've been to has involved a TV with Qur'an playing.... tea/strong coffee....food....and just sitting there with the wife of the person who died. There's a little small talk...but not much....probably more for people who speak Arabic. :)

 

 

My will specifies that I want my kids to each take $100 and do some good with it.  After that it's up to them. 

Edited December 24, 2017 by umsami

[HS Mom in NC]

Yes, I have my funeral mostly planned. I have it in writing so no one is confused about what I want. I wrote something to be read, the theme the pastor will preach on is The God Who Hears, and the music is listed. I'm the only Christian in my family. No viewing.  No open casket. I'll be cremated with the Scandinavian dragon's head my brother made for my kayak. I want Viking Blod (A Danish honeyed Meade) served at some point. I'd like the seats to be covered in the quilts I made the people who attend. I showed a picture of that that I saw on FB to my family.

No, I don't think it's up to the people left behind to decide unless that's what the deceased said they want. Let me explain badly that can go.

Two months ago oldest went to a funeral of an elderly man, Bill, she had helped care for (her former art teacher's dad) when art teacher needed a break from caring for him full time for years. Art teacher isn't assertive.  His sister, a drunk and deadbeat who never helped care for him, insisted on planning the funeral.  Bill was a WWII vet.  He didn't volunteer to go to war. She went on an on about how thrilled he was to serve his country.  In reality he said he only served because he was drafted. Bill was a lifelong Democrat who hated Ronald Reagan.  Sister read lots of Reagan quotes during the ceremony.  Bill and his kids aren't religious at all.  Sister had lots of Bible verses read during the service and a pastor speak.  So, basically, his funeral was a mockery.  Everyone who actually knew him knew he would've hated every minute of it. Not cool.  That didn't do anyone any good.

Funerals are memorials.  Remembering the deceased and doing what they would want should be the focus.  Focusing on yourself and your own preferences rather than the deceased is selfish.  We buried my husband's sister 3 weeks ago with just family.  Her pastor was there and spoke about her and her Christian faith that go her through her 11 year battle with cancer.  Her husband spoke about her and how great she was.  At her memorial (much larger crowd) a week later the pastor, a very close friend, her husband, her 16 year old son, a co-worker friend, and her father spoke all about her.  They shared some of their favorite memories of her and the mark she made on their lives.  It was a very well done memorial and true to her and her memory.  

[Scarlett]

Yes.

 

My mother didn't want anything. Her body was cremated; the [organization that did the cremation; I don't know what that's called] picked her body up from home and that was it. No nothin'. Had I known those were her wishes I would have organized something (I lived 14 hours away), because her friends and family *needed* to get together. I think it's selfish for people to say they want nothing, unless they actually have not a single friend or family member.

Me too. It is akin to asking your mate to never remarry if you die first.

 

My mom has a lot of friends, far and wide. She wants to be cremated and is of the mind,'I don't care, I will be dead'. But I already know we will have a memorial.

[Laura Corin]

I believe there are certain things that need to be done at the end of life to keep the body useful to medical science.

There are things that can't be done and still have the body useful for our local medical school: certain cancer treatments, recent major surgery, open wounds, some infectious diseases, autopsy, organ donation except for corneas, long wait or embalming. Personally I would donate organs if possible; if not, then body to science.

 

There are no collection fees if you live locally.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Pawz4me]

In the context of writing wills, this question has come up lately.

 

On one hand, I don't really care.  Do what you need to do, loved ones.   Not totally sold on cremation, but don't like open casket.  Just do not for any reason put my name on one of those "mobile memorial" stickers on a car's back windshield.  I will haunt whoever does that.

 

But the part that's throwing me off about all this is being a non-religious household in a family that is entirely of one faith.  DH's entire extended family is Baptist - both sides.  My paternal grandfather was a minister (Disciples of Christ), and my maternal extended family is a mish-mash of Catholic and Baptist.  We are possibly the only pointedly not religious (as opposed to "not going to church on Sundays") household in the family.  Most are very active in their church.  We are sort of in the closet about this.

 

If something happened to DH or my kids, I would have zero comfort in a religious funeral service.  It would confuse my children that barely know what goes on in a church - they mostly know that other people go there on Sundays and it has something to do with a religion prominent in European history.  But having a secular memorial service would be like dropping a huge grief-bomb on extended family.  It would crush his grandparents, who have already buried a daughter and grandson, and that hope of a reunion of believers in heaven is what gives them comfort.  A funeral that intentionally omits that would be traumatic for them.  A funeral that focused on it would be traumatic for me.

 

I've already had a lifetime of religious ceremonies and traditional to-dos to appease others.  I would refuse that the last thing I do for my spouse or child be one of them.

 

(Side Note:  I am curious how non-religious funerals work.  I've never actually been to a secular service.  Who leads the thing?  Especially when you are an introvert with very few people you are close to or see regularly.)

 

I can relate to this totally. We're a family of agnostics/athiests amid a larger family (both sides) of Christians, most of them Baptists. Who's wishes and needs get met? Should the immediate family (spouse, children) have to put themselves through even more (not to mention lots of extra money spent) so that mourning rituals of parents and siblings of the deceased get met?

 

This is why I think the deceased's wishes, if there are any, should absolutely be the driver. It's not selfish. It's common sense. There's really no possible way to meet the needs of all mourners, so why not do whatever the deceased wanted and accept that w/o complaint? (Actually, IRL I've never heard anyone complain about whatever service--or no service--that a deceased person or their family had, so maybe this discussion is kind of moot anyway.)

[SparklyUnicorn]

There are things that can't be done and still have the body useful for our local medical school: certain cancer treatments, recent major surgery, open wounds, some infectious diseases, autopsy, organ donation except for corneas, long wait or embalming. Personally I would donate organs if possible; if not, then body to science.

 

There are no collection fees if you live locally.

 

One site I came across even had an option for one's body to be used for stuff like testing weapons, car crashes, etc.  So at that point they probably aren't that picky.

 

Dunno I would want my body tested with weapons because I'm anti weapon, but I'd still agree to that verses saddling my family with funeral debt.  It's stupid that it essentially costs money to die.

[kbutton]

Yes.

 

My mother didn't want anything. Her body was cremated; the [organization that did the cremation; I don't know what that's called] picked her body up from home and that was it. No nothin'. Had I known those were her wishes I would have organized something (I lived 14 hours away), because her friends and family *needed* to get together. I think it's selfish for people to say they want nothing, unless they actually have not a single friend or family member.

 

My grandmother didn't want an obit, but the family wanted people to know who would want to come. They decided a death notice (just a line or two in the paper) would work. It was awesome to have the support of people who read it in the paper and sent messages or came.

 

My grandmother went first, and we all were kind of grateful because she would not have allowed us to have a proper funeral for my grandfather. He was buried with military honors (imported to numerous family members who also served in the armed forces). It was very nice.

 

For my own funeral, I would like to have a liturgical style funeral even though it's not normally a "thing" in the denomination we currently attend. They'll have to make one up, lol! I found it comforting to recite beliefs out loud when my grandparents died (even though I couldn't recite all of them as they believed a bit differently). 

[ScoutTN]

Memorial service at my church with great music (hymns) and a clear gospel message. A service which reflects the meaning of my life, and therefore is mostly about Jesus, not about me.

 

Nice visitation with food where people can sit and talk and laugh and cry together.

 

Absolutely no body or casket for the church service. Simple graveside service for family and very close friends only. As simple a burial as possible. I like the Orthodox traditions and the "green" burials.

[J-rap]

I don't really care how my family wants to deal with my death, funeral or not.  However, I wouldn't want it to be opposed to something I believe strongly.  So, since I'm a Christian, for example, I wouldn't mind if they did nothing at all, but I wouldn't want them to hold a ceremony that was specifically anti-Christian.