Cousin's wedding -- should we go?

[PeachyDoodle]

Here's the situation:

 

Between the two of us, DH and I have close to 40 cousins. We made a decision sometime back not to attend any weddings, showers, etc. of our cousins. There are just too many, and we don't feel that it's fair to go to some and not others. We do send a nice gift and well wishes with our regrets.

 

One of DH's cousins is getting married in November and his mother was very perturbed when DH told her we intended to RSVP with regrets. She says that the parents of the bride will give her a hard time if we don't go. This is probably true, but it doesn't really change our position. Another cousin from MIL's family married a couple of months ago, and no one had any qualms about our absence then, so I'm sure it's this particular aunt and uncle who are the problem. But I would feel very badly if we were to go to this wedding having just skipped the other one. Plus, DH works long hours at an extremely stressful job and really needs his weekends (when he gets them) to recharge. Weekends aren't a guarantee in his business -- it's possible that even if we plan to go, he will have to work instead. Which means I get to go alone. Yay.

 

FWIW, the bride did attend our wedding. However, given that she was 6 at the time (and her mother, who was peeved that I chose a flower girl from my side of the family instead of her daughter, dressed her in a white flower girl dress and had the photographer take pictures of her on our dime) I don't really find that compelling. DH and the bride have never been close and are separated in age by about 15 years.

 

 

[Xahm]

Sounds to me that this just shows you were right to make the decision to say no.

[JFSinIL]

Stick to your guns. Wish them well, send a gift, and that is that.

[bettyandbob]

I don't think this needs to be about "fairness." You don't have a relationship with the couple. Don't go.

[Mama Geek]

Fairness aside, if you don't want to go, don't go.

[EMS83]

Can he arrange to "accidentally" have extra work that weekend?  ;)

[catz]

I think it is totally fine to say no for any reason.

 

That said I don't think you need a "fair " policy that applies to 40 cousins. You may be closer to some. Travel may be more desirable for some than others, relationships may vary, timing, etc. I don't think that rule should stop you from attending any event you would like to go to. If you are not close to anyone and just consistently saying no is best, then carry on.

[PeachyDoodle]

I think it is totally fine to say no for any reason.

 

That said I don't think you need a "fair " policy that applies to 40 cousins. You may be closer to some. Travel may be more desirable for some than others, relationships may vary, timing, etc. I don't think that rule should stop you from attending any event you would like to go to. If you are not close to anyone and just consistently saying no is best, then carry on.

 

That's a good point. It's really more the latter. We are closer to a few cousins. They happen to be on my side and are all married with kids already so it's less of an issue. We did attend some of their weddings/showers, but all but one of those occurred before we were even out of college and the other was seven (eight?) years ago.

 

DH is weighing the hassle of the wedding with the hassle of hearing his mother complain about it for the next two months and beyond. That's really his only concern -- which of these will cause me less stress? LOL

 

I will go along with his decision either way but I do feel bad about picking one over the other since they are really all on the same plane, relationship-wise. DH isn't close with any of his extended family, and naturally I am even less so.

 

[maize]

I don't think you need to go.

 

I also don't understand why you feel you need to be "fair" by not attending any weddings if you don't plan to attend all. I've been at some of my cousins' weddings and not others, same for Dh. We both come from large families and when it comes to events like this you get to those you get to. I haven't even made it to every one of my siblings' weddings, sometimes circumstances just aren't right.

Edited September 16, 2017 by maize

[Elizabeth86]

Dont go. Sending a gift is super generous.

[Elizabeth86]

lol just looked at the poll results. Is it possible we are all in agreement on something?? wow

[Jean in Newcastle]

You made a prior decision on how to handle cousin weddings specifically for this reason.  Stick to it and don't fold just because someone threatens to have a hissy fit. 

[Annie G]

I wouldn't go but it has nothing to do with fairness. I am closer to some family members than others...that's what I would base my decision on. 

 

 

[Pink and Green Mom]

I wouldn't go and I would not give it one more second of thought.

[Alice]

I voted no, but I agree that I wouldn't worry about it being fair or not fair. I just wouldn't go if it doesn't work for your family and it's not a relative you have a particularly close relationship with. Dh has 20+ first cousins and they have the kind of family culture where you go to everyone's weddings and then also go to weddings of cousins kids (I don't even know how many of those there are). We've gone when we could, but not gone when we couldn't. We didn't really think of it as being fair or not fair, just what we were able to do or what we couldn't do. 

[Seeking Squirrels]

I voted no, but not due to fairness. DH has a ton of cousins and most of them we would politely decline. Two cousins we're closer to and would attend. I would base it off of the personal relationship, not the technical familial relationship. Events like that take time, money, and preparation to attend, I'm not going to do it for someone I'm not close to. 

[medawyn]

I'm not sure I've ever seen the Hive in complete agreement before!

[katilac]

Another vote for no, but not due to fairness. 

[Catwoman]

Another NO vote here. :)

[J-rap]

I wouldn't change my mind and attend just because one aunt and uncle complained louder than the others.  I'd go because I sincerely wanted to go.  So if you don't really want to, or it's not practical, then don't go.

[Catwoman]

Okay, fess up.

 

Who voted yes and messed up our unanimous poll results?

[heartlikealion]

Here's the situation:

 

Between the two of us, DH and I have close to 40 cousins. We made a decision sometime back not to attend any weddings, showers, etc. of our cousins. There are just too many, and we don't feel that it's fair to go to some and not others. We do send a nice gift and well wishes with our regrets.

 

One of DH's cousins is getting married in November and his mother was very perturbed when DH told her we intended to RSVP with regrets. She says that the parents of the bride will give her a hard time if we don't go. This is probably true, but it doesn't really change our position. Another cousin from MIL's family married a couple of months ago, and no one had any qualms about our absence then, so I'm sure it's this particular aunt and uncle who are the problem. But I would feel very badly if we were to go to this wedding having just skipped the other one. Plus, DH works long hours at an extremely stressful job and really needs his weekends (when he gets them) to recharge. Weekends aren't a guarantee in his business -- it's possible that even if we plan to go, he will have to work instead. Which means I get to go alone. Yay.

 

FWIW, the bride did attend our wedding. However, given that she was 6 at the time (and her mother, who was peeved that I chose a flower girl from my side of the family instead of her daughter, dressed her in a white flower girl dress and had the photographer take pictures of her on our dime) I don't really find that compelling. DH and the bride have never been close and are separated in age by about 15 years.

 

Not so much about the fairness, but this.

 

[Harriet Vane]

Don't go.

 

First of all, don't let other people's temper tantrums control your choices.

 

Second, I don't understand the "fair" policy. If there is someone with whom you are close, go to any event you desire and enjoy. If you're not close, don't go. If your schedule doesn't work, don't go. If you feel like painting your toenails that weekend, don't go. There's no rule that says one-size-fits-all for attending extended family events.

[Rebel Yell]

I didn't vote yes, but how about you go and wear white like she did at your wedding and have her photographer take photos of YOU to make up for her mother's idiocy at your wedding?

 

And I wouldn't go because we aren't close, but I wouldn't have a rule to go to no weddings if we couldn't go to all. I've gone to weddings so casual acquaintances and distant relative because it was convenient,many had to miss weddings of dear friends and families due to cost or other circumstances.

[justasque]

...

One of DH's cousins is getting married in November and his mother was very perturbed when DH told her we intended to RSVP with regrets. She says that the parents of the bride will give her a hard time if we don't go. This is probably true, but it doesn't really change our position. ...

 

I guess I would focus on this part.  WHY will the parents of the bride give her a hard time?  That seems odd, especially if you aren't close with the bride and groom.  I would probe a bit more about this aspect with your dh and your MIL.  Ask a bit, listen a bit, and see if you can get a fuller understanding of MIL's concerns.  Perhaps you can find a way to put your MIL at ease that the brides' parents' issues aren't hers to bear.  That would be a win-win.  Your MIL would be happy, and you could skip the wedding and be happy.

[JFSinIL]

I guess I would focus on this part.  WHY will the parents of the bride give her a hard time?  That seems odd, especially if you aren't close with the bride and groom.  I would probe a bit more about this aspect with your dh and your MIL.  Ask a bit, listen a bit, and see if you can get a fuller understanding of MIL's concerns.  Perhaps you can find a way to put your MIL at ease that the brides' parents' issues aren't hers to bear.  That would be a win-win.  Your MIL would be happy, and you could skip the wedding and be happy.

 

justasque is a wise woman.

Make sure MIL has a good comeback when the self-entitled mother of the bride gives her a hard time "Well, the kids [you and hubby] are grown and I can't order them to do anything.  How about those hurricanes" and "You can ask invite them [you and hubby] but I have no control over whether or not they can attend.  Have some bean dip" etc.

Edited September 17, 2017 by JFSinIL

[gardenmom5]

while I think the hard and fast "I won't go to any" is silly  (no one makes it to every single wedding unless it is their own child.  work happens, travel happens, previous commitments happen, children happen, etc.) - I see no reason to go to one for no other reason than to shut up the aunt and uncle.

 

and boy do I get you about the aunt co-opting the photographer.  my narcissistic sil did the exact same thing - only she had pictures taken of her entire family!   (her married children and grandchildren.)  very gauche.  but she also did "look at me routines" the whole time while the gifts were being opened at her dd's bridal shower, and another dd's  twin-baby shower.  (at least someone pulled her out of the room that one.)

[shawthorne44]

Where is the option for No, and why are you even considering it?

[FaithManor]

Stick to your decision. Changing course now will only make things more difficult in the future.

 

We have friends with a similar rule. They each come from huge families so they would go broke and be constantly ovetscheduled if they went to all of the weddings and showers. They do send cards with a personal message.

[PeachyDoodle]

I guess I would focus on this part.  WHY will the parents of the bride give her a hard time?  That seems odd, especially if you aren't close with the bride and groom.  I would probe a bit more about this aspect with your dh and your MIL.  Ask a bit, listen a bit, and see if you can get a fuller understanding of MIL's concerns.  Perhaps you can find a way to put your MIL at ease that the brides' parents' issues aren't hers to bear.  That would be a win-win.  Your MIL would be happy, and you could skip the wedding and be happy.

 

MIL's concerns aren't unjustified. Aunt and Uncle will definitely give her a hard time. They will take it as a personal affront that anyone would dare miss their special snowflake's big day. They are just that kind of people. They will give DH a hard time too, but he doesn't see them that often so that doesn't really bother him. The situation is complicated by the fact that MIL currently lives with Aunt and Uncle since she sold her home a few months ago. Her new place will be ready the same weekend as the wedding.

 

MIL has always been close to this particular brother and his wife. She has three other brothers, with whom she is much less close. She has always been close to her two nieces, one of whom is the bride. She thinks of them as the daughters she never had. None of this changes the fact that DH doesn't and never has had the kind of relationship with this family that she does.

 

The policy was supposed to make things like this easier. We know that we will get invited to these events, and frankly we're not interested in attending any of them, so the idea was to be able to say, "Sorry, we just don't do that" and avoid having to explain why we went to this one and not that one. And because we didn't want to be forced into attending something just so we didn't have to listen to the whining. See how well that worked? :glare:

 

If there was something we DID want to attend, we'd be the first to break our own policy. Those would typically involve my family, though, LOL. Then we'd just not tell MIL about it. :lol:

 

[BusyMom5]

I didn't vote- I think this has nothing to dow ith fairness and I certainly would not skip one wedding b/c I couldn't attend all of them!  We also have 40 cousins between us.  Sometimes we go, sometimes we don't.  Somtimes I get a nicer gift, sometimes I don't.  It just isn't practical to send a big gift for every wedding and baby (think of hte future!  Second weddings, ect.).  I say do what you want- with my closer cousins I try to go.  If hte wedding is far away we don't.  Same for baby showers, I have a cousin due in 4 months and I hope to be able to go to her shower!  I skipped the other ones, but hers will be closeby (an hourish), and she's one of my closer cousins.  I'm not going to sit around feeling bad b/c I didn't make it to her sisters or SIL's showers.  I have visited to see babies when I can, but I think with big families everyone just has to realize that it isn't always practical to go to every one.  My parents do try to go to as many as possible... there is one a few days after my due date, I got an invite, but I won't be going.  My parents RSVPed that they would attend if possible- but their new grandbaby came first ;)  

[wintermom]

Emotional blackmail is not cool, but sounds like it's going to be inevitable with the people involved.  I think your dh is wise in his choice of what to do. Leave the decision up to him, as he'll be the primary recipient of the hassle.

[Word Nerd]

Her reasoning is irrelevant. Don't let her guilt-trip you into attending a wedding you wouldn't otherwise go to.

[PeachyDoodle]

Emotional blackmail is not cool, but sounds like it's going to be inevitable with the people involved.  I think your dh is wise in his choice of what to do. Leave the decision up to him, as he'll be the primary recipient of the hassle.

 

DH is leaning towards RSVPing "yes" and then inventing an emergency the day of. I'd typically consider that bad form, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception.

 

[catz]

I think "this event would mean quite a bit to MIL if we showed" is a valid reason to chose to go to something if you want to.  There are plenty of events I've been to that I've been luke warm to attending that we attended because my parents or DH's parents were happy we chose to attend.  Since it is your DH's family, I think having it be his call is good.  That said, I wouldn't do it purely for emotional black mail reasons.  But more because MIL would truly appreciate and enjoy your presence, you have an overall good relationship, and it happens to work for you in terms of finances and timing.

 

That said, if this involved substantial travel and overnight stays, etc, if we did something like this we might say "We're traveling for this wedding, but you won't see us over the holidays" or whatever made sense in that time frame. 

[justasque]

MIL's concerns aren't unjustified. Aunt and Uncle will definitely give her a hard time. They will take it as a personal affront that anyone would dare miss their special snowflake's big day. They are just that kind of people. They will give DH a hard time too, but he doesn't see them that often so that doesn't really bother him. The situation is complicated by the fact that MIL currently lives with Aunt and Uncle since she sold her home a few months ago. Her new place will be ready the same weekend as the wedding.

 

MIL has always been close to this particular brother and his wife. She has three other brothers, with whom she is much less close. She has always been close to her two nieces, one of whom is the bride. She thinks of them as the daughters she never had. None of this changes the fact that DH doesn't and never has had the kind of relationship with this family that she does.

 

The policy was supposed to make things like this easier. We know that we will get invited to these events, and frankly we're not interested in attending any of them, so the idea was to be able to say, "Sorry, we just don't do that" and avoid having to explain why we went to this one and not that one. And because we didn't want to be forced into attending something just so we didn't have to listen to the whining. See how well that worked? :glare:

 

If there was something we DID want to attend, we'd be the first to break our own policy. Those would typically involve my family, though, LOL. Then we'd just not tell MIL about it. :lol:

 

 

I see - so it's quite complicated, especially for your MIL who is actually living with these people.  

 

If you truly don't want to attend, I think you need to sit down with MIL and Aunt & Uncle, at the same time (perhaps taking them out to a restaurant dinner), and say, "We are so sorry, but for a lot of reasons we don't want to get into, we cannot attend the wedding.  I know you would love for us to be there, but we can't.  We are excited for Bride and Groom, and of course we'll be sending a nice gift.  We're looking forward to seeing the pictures.  We hope you understand, and won't give us a hard time about our decision.  It is just not going to work for us right now.  We love you all very much, and don't want any hard feelings between us."  Do not get drawn in to giving specific reasons for not attending.  "It's a lot of little things - nothing big or scary, we just can't.  I am sorry.  Please understand."

 

That said, if it's not really that much of a hardship to go, then it would be a nice gesture of understanding that your MIL is in an awkward position, and that it would mean a lot to her if you went.  You don't need to stay till the bitter end, and I wouldn't spend a fortune on new clothes or anything like that.  Just go and be gracious.  

[justasque]

DH is leaning towards RSVPing "yes" and then inventing an emergency the day of. I'd typically consider that bad form, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception.

 

 

Absolutely not.  This would be a very bad idea.  They'd be out time and money, and should the "emergency" be found to be trumped-up, it would create major drama.  Dh needs to man up - either gently and lovingly explain that you are choosing not to go, making sure to be very understanding and sympathetic about MIL's position, or decide to suck it up and go.

 

And I don't see this as emotional blackmail on your MIL's part - she is in an awkward situation, and has asked you to go to a party where you will be presumably well-fed.  You can sympathize with her position,and decide to either go or not go.  Do not create more drama where there needs to be less.  You won't be doing either yourself or your MIL any favors by leading her on and promising what you know you will not be delivering.

[Word Nerd]

DH is leaning towards RSVPing "yes" and then inventing an emergency the day of. I'd typically consider that bad form, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception.

 

 

That would still be bad form and would be quite unfair to the cousin, which is ostensibly the reason for not attending in the first place. Your DH needs to make a decision and stick with it, then refuse to debate the matter further. 

Edited September 17, 2017 by Word Nerd

[catz]

Absolutely do not RSVP yes with no intention to go.  That could cost them a bunch of money if there is a meal involved.  You will not catch less heat for doing that, even if you had a legit excuse.

 

It is way more complex if your MIL is living with them.  If she is planning on living with them long term (ETA - I just noticed she has a new place in the works) and you have a decent relationship with her, this is a family you probably want to have a good working relationship with.  I see why she is in an awkward situation and would like you to come.  That on it's own is a different type of relationship than with other generic cousins. 

Edited September 17, 2017 by WoolySocks

[KungFuPanda]

In my family, weddings and funerals are the only times we really get EVERYONE together. The photos are better at weddings. It's never just about the bride and groom and more about banking those large extended family occasions that are rarer and rarer. It's often the last photographs you get of elderly relatives with small children and events like this tend to stick in your memory better than a weekend at home in front of the television. I get needing a break from real life, but as weddings don't happen every weekend I'd make the effort to go. Heck, make it extra fun and dress your youngest as a ring bearer and get some payback photos!

 

Eta: Attending family events is how you GET closer to extended family. If these people aren't toxic, you're very likely to ENJOY the occasion and have some lovely conversations.

Edited September 17, 2017 by KungFuPanda

[Bluegoat]

I don't think you are under any obligation to go, if you don't want to.  

 

I can see why your MIL wishes you might - it's a stupid pain for her, and not her fault.

 

I'd try and figure out a way to make it simpler for her - invent a serious work thing or something, and I might even consider going, especially if I could figure out a way to add it to some fun event

 

I don't think you need to do that - if you feel like you want to do that for MIL, you can - I would not worry at all though about whether the means you are being inconsistent with your general policy - I don't think that needs to influence your decision.  It's really ok not to be totally consistent about things like family weddings, there are just so many variables involved.  Most people understand that.

[vonfirmath]

I don't think this needs to be about "fairness." You don't have a relationship with the couple. Don't go.

 

Agreed. I'd say Say No -- but for the reason you mentioned. No relationship with the cousin. Not because it is not fair to attend every cousins wedding.

 

We were at the wedding of my husband's cousin who he had a close relationship with growing up even though we have not attended all the cousins' weddings on my side -- who we were NOT close to.  If invited (and I am able), I will attend the weddings of the younger two of my best friend's kids. I have remained close to them even as they grew up. I was not invited to the oldest's wedding but would not have attended if invited because we do not have the relationship. 

[Rachel]

DH is leaning towards RSVPing "yes" and then inventing an emergency the day of. I'd typically consider that bad form, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception.

 

Don't do that. The bride and groom will end up upset that they forked over $x for each of you for a meal you didn't eat. Just send your regrets, if the bride is given a hard time by her own parents I'm sure it's nothing new.

 

I have gone to some weddings of my cousins and not others. I've sent some baby presents and not others. I can't keep track of who got what when. I think they all understand.

[foxbridgeacademy]

No I wouldn't go.  If the brides parents give her a hard time then she and her new husband to be needs to stand up to them.  If it weren't your absence then they would likely give her a hard time about something else. you are not responsible for these people's bad behavior and that's what MIL should be told clearly.  

 

As for the RSVP yes then invent an emergency thing.... they already know you don't want to go so it will just tick them off more and won't fool anyone.  Be honest and firm.