Help my mom with a snappy come back; 2019 UPDATE in the OP

[elegantlion]

Sounds like a case for "well bless your heart, don't you remember from last year?" Then shut up and smile. 

 

I think there is a lot of body language that can convey that this line of questioning is inappropriate. Like smiling kind of a pensive smile and looking someone directly in the eyes. Don't cross your arms or step back as that might be assumed that this does bother her. 

 

I don't think she needs to really answer either question. 

[Corraleno]

I have a niece who was born 5 or 6 months after my brother & SIL were married. My mother, who is very judgmental and legalistic and passive aggressive, made a photo album/scrapbook for my niece when she was 12 or so. It included photos of her parents when they were young, as well as engagement and wedding photos, followed by photos of niece from infancy to her current age. My mother purposely falsified the dates on the engagement and wedding photos, so it would look like they were married well before they got pregnant. And then she pulled aside my SIL and whispered not to worry, because the secret was safe and niece would never know of their sin. Which was hilarious, because this was not a secret at all, the whole family — including niece — knew, and no one cared one whit.

 

The real kicker though, is that my half-brother was born 7 months after my mother married my step-father. He weighed 9.5 lbs and she still claims she got pregnant on her wedding night and he was a preemie!  :laugh:

Edited July 14, 2017 by Corraleno

[zoobie]

One year more than the last time you asked. Why do you choose to make an issue over this every year? It's really old news.

 

It's not rude or snarky. It's honest and to the point. This woman needs a life. Is she super good at her job? That's pretty ballsy of her to insult her boss and his wife every year.

[MercyA]

I love you guys. She is not planning on saying anything snarky. I was upset when I heard that someone was being mean to her, and told her I'd ask about come backs here because I thought it would make her smile. She's going through kind of a stressful time right now, unrelated to this woman's remarks. 

 

I really appreciate all of your feedback and ideas. Answers to some questions:

 

I'm not sure what the scenerio could be that forces interaction about anniversaries and child birthdays but I'd avoid this woman or just pretend she's not talking. 

 

I think this interaction usually occurs while my mom is going through a checkout line. So, she can't walk away or ignore her, at least not very easily!

 

Wait, she needles her boss's wife about their personal business? Who does that?! (and keeps their job?)

 

My dad just found out about this, too, even though it's been going on for years. It's not something my mom would want someone fired for. My mom is more concerned about unkind comments that have been made to other people.

 

TBH, I'd try to find a way for her to be fired, but that's me, and I'm not very nice when it comes to people being mean to my elderly parent.

 

My dad doesn't have the final say in firings.

 

The owner often employs people with disabilities or other issues and has a hard time letting them go because he worries about them. This woman has worked for him for well over 20 years.

 

You said there is some mental issue, so I would hope that I would play it off w/ humor or w/ a non-answer answer (like another year older as PP's have mentioned). But I can be snarky and usually call people out on such bad behavior. 

 

I probably shouldn't have mentioned a mental issue. There is something not quite right there, but I am not sure exactly what the trouble is. I've edited my original post. 

 

Your mom works with her? 

 

She works with her a couple hours a week, but I'm guessing these interactions usually happen when my mom is a customer.

 

But harassing others, especially the boss's wife, is inappropriate regardless.  Why doesn't your dad write her up?

 

He's just been made aware of it. He's written her up for other things. I'm not sure about this. 

 

I wonder if this woman is jealous of your mom, who has a loving, long-term marriage and happy healthy kids. Does this woman have to work and your mom doesn't? Is she unhappily married/widowed/divorced? Do her kids not spend much time with her?

 

I think so, too. Yes, she has to work and my mom doesn't (although my mom has worked part-time most of my life). This woman has never been married and has no children.

 

I am not one for snarky comments.  I don't think it helps anyone, or moves anyone forward. 

 

I think this is wise. Just to be clear, thus far my mom has just been answering her directly and cheerfully.

 

This woman needs a life. Is she super good at her job? That's pretty ballsy of her to insult her boss and his wife every year.

 

See my comment above about the owner being unwilling to let people go because he worries about what will become of them, particularly if they are disabled or have other issues.

 

Thanks again, all! I knew you would have some good responses and you haven't let me down.  :)

 

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE this post either, as it contains information that will definitely need to be deleted later. 

Edited July 14, 2017 by MercyA

[theelfqueen]

My mom was still in High school when she married my dad and she was NOT pregnant. My parents were married in January of one year, my oldest brother was born the NEXT September (ie. 21 months later not 9)... people are always trying to catch them out or something "oh he was born in SEPTEMBER? Yeah the NEXT September. They married when they did because my dad had Army leave and was concerned he was about to be sent to Vietnam (he wasn't). It's so WEIRD.

 

[SKL]

"Well that's one good thing about having a kid right after getting married.  Everyone remembers my anniversary AND his birthday!"

[SKL]

My mom told me that when her first was born (1.5 years after the wedding), her older female relatives counted out the months on their fingers to determine if it was a shotgun wedding, LOL.  It wasn't funny at the time, I'm sure, but it's kinda funny now.  :P

[gardenmom5]

Oof. That's so gross. And yes, people who do things like this usually have issues of their own. That doesn't make it OK.

 

The only thing I can ever come up with in situations like that is to turn it around on the person, put them on the spot. "Why do you feel the need to make a point of this every year? Do you think it's funny?" Do it right in the situation in front of whatever other people, deflate their attempt at "humor" or whatever the heck it is. Expose the awkwardness and let them own it. For that reason I would not try to be "snappy" because I feel that can be read as a continuation of the game the person is trying to play.

I agree this woman has issues.   and putting her on the spot with "why do you ask?"  or "why do you ask every year?"  and a hard stare.

 

OP your mom sounds very sweet - but that does NOT mean she has to put up with being treated this way.

are there other registers she can use so she can avoid this woman?

as for the business owner who doesn't like firing people because he worries about them.  . . if this woman making these types of comments to her supervisors WIFE - what is she saying to other customers????  and how many customers has she offended so badly they won't come back, or are telling their friends what a gossipy snotty biddy is working there so they need to find a new store?

 

I have a niece who was born 5 or 6 months after my brother & SIL were married. My mother, who is very judgmental and legalistic and passive aggressive, made a photo album/scrapbook for my niece when she was 12 or so. It included photos of her parents when they were young, as well as engagement and wedding photos, followed by photos of niece from infancy to her current age. My mother purposely falsified the dates on the engagement and wedding photos, so it would look like they were married well before they got pregnant. And then she pulled aside my SIL and whispered not to worry, because the secret was safe and niece would never know of their sin. Which was hilarious, because this was not a secret at all, the whole family — including niece — knew, and no one cared one whit.

 

The real kicker though, is that my half-brother was born 7 months after my mother married my step-father. He weighed 9.5 lbs and she still claims she got pregnant on her wedding night and he was a preemie!  :laugh:

 

sounds like my grandmother . . . . I was 'the third' and had to put up with comments, from her,  about having 1dd nine months after I got married. "what will people say???" (um, we had s3x on our wedding night?) . . this from the woman whose "favorite-grandchild" - miscarried her FOURTH pregnancy the day after she got married - ten months before I got married.  (she'd had a previous miscarriage and two abortions. . so no kids. my grandmother knew about the abortions.)

my grandmother would do this to other people too.  very mean, very petty, very gossipy - and it was all so she could feel superior.

I wouldn't tolerate this.

[gardenmom5]

Ditto. It takes the wind out of their sails if they can't get a reaction. I was the girl who was bullied a lot and learned to say nothing but "thank you". It isn't as fun for someone when they can't piss you off.

 

my mom was really big on "not reacting" . . . some, if words don't provoke a reaction, get violent.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I would go the George Costanza route.

"The jerk store called and they are all out of YOU."

 

Probably not the most diplomatic approach.

[MercyA]

OP your mom sounds very sweet - but that does NOT mean she has to put up with being treated this way.

are there other registers she can use so she can avoid this woman?

 

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's a small store in a small town.

as for the business owner who doesn't like firing people because he worries about them.  . . if this woman making these types of comments to her supervisors WIFE - what is she saying to other customers????  and how many customers has she offended so badly they won't come back, or are telling their friends what a gossipy snotty biddy is working there so they need to find a new store?

 

Oh, she has absolutely has offended other people. I agree with you. It's wrong and it should be stopped. There are (or should be) consequences for acting like a jerk.

[MercyA]

Ditto. It takes the wind out of their sails if they can't get a reaction. I was the girl who was bullied a lot and learned to say nothing but "thank you". It isn't as fun for someone when they can't piss you off.

 

I'm sorry you were bullied. :( That stinks. (I'd use another word, but my mom might read this thread later.  ;)  )

[MercyA]

I would go the George Costanza route.

"The jerk store called and they are all out of YOU."

 

Probably not the most diplomatic approach.

 

:laugh: Here's the link for my mom's benefit:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oApBlWipc2A

[Bambam]

When asked, 'How many years have you been married?" - Answer with, "not long enough". 

 

Ignore any questions about any children's ages, I find that extremely rude for someone to ask that once they are adults. None of your business.

[Paige]

How about, "Yes, I was 8 months pregnant when we married. It was quite scandalous at the time. Thank goodness today it is not a big deal and people are kinder to young women with happy surprises."

[winterbaby]

I've been thinking about this more, with the comment (though edited) about "issues" and the employer's soft spot for people with differences, which is admirable.

 

Is it possible that this woman has special needs in the area of social learning? That she may think this is a great cute inside joke she has with your mom or something like that, and similar for her comments to others? Then it would call for a different approach - snappy comebacks would make her think everything was still on the humorous level, or would just go straight past her; and the "ugh WTH?" approach I gave would be cruel. Maybe it needs to be explained to her like to a kid: "you know, it can be really hurtful to people when you make personal comments like that...." From your description of it I can't tell if she is trying to be cute or trying to be catty. So maybe this suggestion is off the mark, but I just thought I'd bring it up.

[Tanaqui]

Wow, they're heading up on their 50th anniversary? That's wonderful!

 

This woman is completely absurd. How're gonna try to embarrass somebody who has been married nearly half a century because she was pregnant during the ceremony? I'd call it ancient history, but people care about that! This woman is really only embarrassing herself, poor thing.

 

(And I'm doing the math here - 50 years ago was 1967, add 5 years... by the 70s, was it really so outre to have a child born very soon after the wedding? Wasn't it all free love and wall to wall hippies for a while there?)

 

If your mother feels like saying something, I'd just say "He was born a month after the wedding, and he was the best wedding present we got!" Like, this is just so stupid. I don't think I could even keep a straight face for five years of this.

[MercyA]

I've been thinking about this more, with the comment (though edited) about "issues" and the employer's soft spot for people with differences, which is admirable.

 

Is it possible that this woman has special needs in the area of social learning? That she may think this is a great cute inside joke she has with your mom or something like that, and similar for her comments to others? Then it would call for a different approach - snappy comebacks would make her think everything was still on the humorous level, or would just go straight past her; and the "ugh WTH?" approach I gave would be cruel. Maybe it needs to be explained to her like to a kid: "you know, it can be really hurtful to people when you make personal comments like that...." From your description of it I can't tell if she is trying to be cute or trying to be catty. So maybe this suggestion is off the mark, but I just thought I'd bring it up.

 

I appreciate your thoughts, winterbaby, but we are pretty sure she is actually just being catty. She is capable of carrying on a normal, pleasant conversation and, based on other comments she's made, is well aware of what might be hurtful to people.  :(

 

I admire the owner for employing people with differences, too. This is the same owner who hired a teenage shoplifter--and she ended up being one of their best employees! But I don't think this woman should be allowed to be rude and unkind.

Edited July 15, 2017 by MercyA

[MercyA]

Hey! I hit 5,000 posts! Whoot!  :)

[kesmom]

I also like "why do you ask?"

 

 

[Anne in CA]

I am so proud of your mom for not punching this person. They deserve to be punched, and she has been nothing but gracious.

 

"Why do you keep asking???? Are you trying to make some nutty point?"

 

 

[Liz CA]

"Are you having issues with your memory? I'm getting a little concerned. You ask me the same questions over and over again.....do you have a family history of dementia? I'm worried about you! At our age, you know. Things happen!" 

 

Yeah. "Let me write it down for you so you don't have to ask next year."

[snickerplum]

Buy a pocket calendar. Mark the dates she's curious about. When she asks pull it out, smile and say "I knew you would ask. You ask every year. I've marked the dates for you since you are interested and seem to forget. You can keep it. Feel free to fill it in with other dates as well." Keep smiling and wait for for a few seconds, just one enough to let the awkwardness build. "Ok, then, bye."

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Scarlett]

I have thought about this all day and I like your moms idea the best.

[SKL]

"Why, do you have a present for us / him?"

[Guest]

 

my mom was really big on "not reacting" . . . some, if words don't provoke a reaction, get violent.

Yup. Another random former bullied child confirming that this is true. Sis and I got bullied so much that we spelled the only dismissive comment the school ever made about it to us as one word:

 

EEEEEEEEEEEnorem!

 

(Adultese translation: The school's bullying policy was to tell bullied children to "just ignore them" and do a lot of victim blaming, i.e., "Mrs IEF's mother, you may not be aware of the fact that your child is coming to school in some sort of cockamamie hand made costumes instead of wearing her real clothes that come from real stores like real people wear. Then she disrupts class by complaining when the other children laugh at her crazy getups. Please address this issue at once and don't let it happen again." which is why my mom stopped sewing for us and we had to wear yucky uncomfortable storebought clothes that we hated but I digress....)

 

 

I'd like to believe nothing like this could ever happen to your mother but I think we all know better about domestic violence, workplace harrassment, etc. to really think bullying magically goes away the minute anyone turns eighteen.

[Audrey]

You could try the 'cut her off at the pass approach' combined with the 'wear 'em down' and 'big ol' charm' approaches.

 

Instead of waiting for her to ask, as soon as she addresses your mother, just put on your biggest ol' girl smile and say "Why, bless your heart! Did you know my anniversary is in 4 weeks! 45 years! Can you believe it! 1972 was such a banner year for us! A wedding and our baby in the same year! What joy it was!"

 

Then say that every. single. time. she sees this woman.  Eventually, the woman will get sick of it and probably start looking for ways to avoid your mom.  Then, your mom can have a little fun with her and go track her down to let her know about the upcoming events.  You know... just in case she might forget. ;)

 

[luuknam]

my mom was really big on "not reacting" . . . some, if words don't provoke a reaction, get violent.

 

Seconding this. And if you don't react then, if you don't cry when kicked, they get confused, and try harder. Eventually, one of them just lied and said in a loud voice I was crying. That was... different. I probably should've just done what my dad said to do and punched a bully in the nose. But anyway, not applicable to OP. 

 

Hey! I hit 5,000 posts! Whoot!  :)

 

 

Me too! Well, at some point today... not entirely sure when. 

[Nan in Mass]

How about "Old enough that I prefer not to think about it!" said with a big smile?

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

"How long have you been married now?"

"That depends. Do you mean in the biblical sense or in the legal sense?"

 

What a loony woman!!!

[momacacia]

Umm, takes 9 months to make a baby. Lots of couples have firstborns same age as years married. Just had to get preggers in first 3 months. Or is it just so obvious that there's a big celebration for each event at the workplace?

 

And I'm with Jackie in AR. Speak kindly, don't get emotional, but take the issue "up." Or at least say, "why don't you ask Bob/Dh about that? Let's stop I his office right now. Come on." And Walk that way.

[nrg]

You ask me this every year! So, I made you this reminder card you can look at ...

[gardenmom5]

As kids yes...I was more referring to the two adults in the op. If the other woman would seriously react with violence than she has a bigger issue.

The employee has been doing this for years. She wants a reaction. While it's unlikely she'd be physically violent, there's no reason to think she wouldn't step up her pettiness.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I like the "go ask the boss" because I think it's pretty obvious she's jealous of your mom and dad's relationship and is trying to strike out and belittle your mom.

[Remudamom]

Say "Honey, I'm really concerned about your need to know details of my personal sex life.  Perhaps a copy of 50 Shades of Gray might satisfy you?"

[MercyA]

(((hugs))) Be sure to reassure your mom. She might be feeling more insecure about her past than she indicates. (Inappropriate) guilt/shame about long-past errors is a contributor to many cases of depression among the elderly. 

 

I'm so sorry I didn't respond to this sooner, Stephanie. You are so sweet to be concerned for my mom, but I really believe she made peace with this a long time ago. It was never a big secret or anything in our family. 

 

She's not easily embarrassed or cowed. I think she's more annoyed with this woman generally acting like a jerk than acting like a jerk towards her. 

 

But, still, I have commiserated with her and reassured her. And I know these come backs and other thoughts will make her smile.  :)

Edited July 28, 2017 by MercyA

[Remudamom]

deleted.  double post

Edited July 16, 2017 by Remudamom

[MercyA]

Umm, takes 9 months to make a baby. Lots of couples have firstborns same age as years married. Just had to get preggers in first 3 months. Or is it just so obvious that there's a big celebration for each event at the workplace?

 

And I'm with Jackie in AR. Speak kindly, don't get emotional, but take the issue "up." Or at least say, "why don't you ask Bob/Dh about that? Let's stop I his office right now. Come on." And Walk that way.

 

Her anniversary is on a day that is especially easy to remember, and my brother's birthday is just over a month later. 

 

I like your idea!  :thumbup1:

[Cinder]

I've only skimmed the responses. I think your mom should just say something like, "You ask that every year. It's getting kind of old." And then just continue on with her business.

[maize]

You ask me this every year! So, I made you this reminder card you can look at ...

I like this one best!

 

Give her the card when she asks the first question, and include the info for both (married in ....; son born in ...)

 

"Now you'll never have to ask me again, bless your heart."

Edited July 16, 2017 by maize

[MercyA]

Bumping because I updated the OP.  :)

[MommyLiberty5013]

Love the update! Thanks for checking back with it. I am so glad your mom got a laugh. That's special.

[Valley Girl]

In reference to your update, a withering stare is always appropriate.

 

ETA: You're too nice, so you might have to practice that a bit.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[sassenach]

Am I the only one who didn't read that as passive aggressive anything? My aunt still asks me how old I am, how old my kids are, how many years I've been married, etc, at every occasion. She's not trying to make any point, it's just her usual script. 

 

Unless she adds more to it than what was written in the OP, I'm not seeing anything to be offended by. (And if it adds to my credibility, I was a teen mom who married the dad.)

[MercyA]

In reference to your update, a withering stare is always appropriate.

 

ETA: You're too nice, so you might have to practice that a bit.

 

Ha! You give me too much credit.  ;)

 

Honestly, I think I'll just try to avoid her for now. 

[MercyA]

Am I the only one who didn't read that as passive aggressive anything? My aunt still asks me how old I am, how old my kids are, how many years I've been married, etc, at every occasion. She's not trying to make any point, it's just her usual script. 

 

Unless she adds more to it than what was written in the OP, I'm not seeing anything to be offended by. (And if it adds to my credibility, I was a teen mom who married the dad.)

 

I hear you, and usually I'm in favor of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I understand that in many cases this would be nothing more than guileless, harmless chit chat. However, my mom has known this woman for over 20 years, and if she thinks this is a deliberate dig, I'm inclined to believe her, especially since this person has been much more openly malicious to others.  :(

[Misha]

Maybe something like, "You've asked this consistently and I'm wondering why it brings you such pleasure to allude to the fact that I was pregnant when I was married? I'd like to know why you choose to behave in this manner." 

 

If I was nicer, that's what I might say. 

 

 

I'm so sorry that your mom is dealing with this. 

 

 

Edited to correct typo.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Misha

[Katy]

That's a great update.

[Alexigail]

I see there's an update, but I wanted to say I was listening to Dear Prudence this week and she had a great suggestion for a response:

 

"You must be so embarrassed to have said that." 

 

Said with sympathy, this lets the person know they've committed a faux pas but does not require you to stoop to their level of nastiness. I thought this was great advice. Another one I've used in situations like this is "what a strange thing to say".  

[luuknam]

"You must be so embarrassed to have said that." 

 

 

I'm really not a fan of people telling other people how they must be/are feeling.