Want to send ds6 to school but can't

[lovinmyboys]

I feel so stuck. I wish I could send ds6 to school. He makes every day so difficult and won't do anything he is supposed to do. I actually think he would enjoy going to school. He likes doing academic things and he does much better with structure.

 

There are 2 problems though. First, I don't think I could make him go to school. I could if I had another adult here to take care of my other kids while I forced him to go. Dh won't take off work to be that other adult and I don't really have anyone else to ask.

 

Second, Dh says if one kid goes to school then all 3 school age kids have to. I am not really into all of them going to school this year for various reasons.

 

I would love to send ds6 and really have time to work with my other two. My ds8 is a little behind but I think he could catch up if I could work with him without ds6 around. Ds10 is interested in going to school next year in 6th grade, but doesn't want to start 5th in the middle of the year. He is not behind.

 

I just don't know what to do. Having an "explosive" child is just so difficult and I feel like no one understands. He is a sweet kid and never violent or destructive. He just will not do anything (and I mean anything) he doesn't want to do. He has been hard his whole life and I am just tired. I am sure it makes me a bad parent, but I just want a break from him. I want someone else to make him do the things he doesn't want to do. He is finally old enough for school and I would like him to go.

[StephanieZ]

Seems to me like your dh doesn't get a vote, since he's not willing to take the time to help you in the mornings, etc.

 

So, I'd just sweetly ignore dh's idea about one vs all kids going to school.

 

Sign the kid up. Be positive. Let him pick out a favorite lunch box, book bag, and fill the pack with tasty treats. Get him up, and get him out the damn door. You can do it. You can do it even with other kids around. Give all the kids a pile of candy and a handful of iPods/whatevers . . . to distract them. Then get that kiddo out the door.

 

You might be surprised. School might be perfect for him. Might improve everything. If nothing else, you'll get a break/rest and be better able to parent him after and before school hours.

 

Second choice: enroll all the kids. 

 

If you can't handle them well all at home, you've GOT to get them into school. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Agreeing with StephanieZ. I think you can put him in school and make him go. You have the right not to hs a child against your will and possibly against his best interest.

[mommytobees]

I like to call that child a Spirited child. He's full of life and spirit and you have to either contain it OR find a way to utilize it.

 

What is his money?

 

At that age, my son's money was electronics time. One task = a 15-min coin. Math + English + Reading + ______ = 1 hour of electronic time to do whatever he wanted. 

 

My daughter's money was crafting with mommy. 1 task = 15-min-with-mommy coin.

 

The other idea I would focus on with him is he may need to do LESS school, but still be busy. Science experiments, special construction toys, and art can all be "busywork" for him to do during school time.

 

Kris

[scrapbookbuzz]

Deep breath, mama. Then take two more and release slowly. Then find 15 minutes for yourself to take a walk, get outside, wherever you can go to be alone, to clear your head. 

Sleep on it for 24 hours. I think you'll find you'll have the perspective you need then.

[Farrar]

What Stephanie and Tibbie said.

 

Children aren't a unit - they're unique. They need unique solutions. This kid might need school (and needs you to try it with him). Your 8 yo needs your attention to catch up. Your 10 yo needs to start anew in middle school if he goes and not be forced into an awkward social situation.

 

Help your dh think of it this way - if one kid was sick, you wouldn't make everyone take the medicine even though they were well. If one kid was allergic to nuts, you wouldn't ban them for everyone (maybe from the house, but not for life). If one kid excelled at basketball, you wouldn't force the kid who hated it to play too.

 

You can send him to school. If it takes a month of dragging the family to the school every morning to get him there, then it's what it takes.

 

Hugs. I hope it works out.

[gardenmom5]

your dh isn't schooling them - you are.  he isn't trying to get this kid to be cooperative, you are.  his opinion is moot.

 

I understand how difficult and exhausting a refuses to cooperate kid can be.  I ended up with dudeling in school - and I literally work  with him  sitting next to me to do most of his assignments when he gets home.  he's in 6th grade!  and he still will not engage or cooperate if he's not interested.   my day is such - I have to get 'everyday' things done during the day so if need be, I can focus 100% on him until he goes to bed.

 

let someone else work with him during the day, and you can be more efficient about focusing your energy on your other children who also have needs.

Edited October 11, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Miss Peregrine]

I put a kid in school this year. Without Dh's input. I have done it all without help since the beginning of time so I don't see why he would get a say. He is not happy with my choice but it wasn't his to make. 

I have to say that she is doing so much better than she was at home. I now have time to spend with my youngest, who is delayed.

 

I am paying a price in getting her to and from, but I don't want to homeschool her anymore. 

[fairfarmhand]

My youngest is my challenging child, and my oldest was also one.

 

Here's what helped me.

 

Time just with mom first thing doing fun things. He needs his love and attention bank filled up first thing or he will try to get my attention in other not so nice ways.

 

Relax academic expectations for him, he's just six. My son did Starfall.com and counting games pretty much when he was 6. We read lots of books together. That was it.

 

For structure, I started running the house on a loose schedule. My son had my attention first thing for x number of minutes. He knew he could count on that. You may need to add in extra Time Just With Mom Fun sessions several times a day, but with two challenginging kids, I had to make a huge effort for positive interactions.

 

Also, come alongside him when he has to do stuff. So he doesn't want to clean his room. So you say, "How bout I help you?" And you help him. It's frustrating to always have to do this, but I imagine when he was 3 you did this stuff. Look at it like his ability to cooperate is at the level of  age 3 instead of 6.

 

Get in the habit of complimenting him.

 

One huge thing is to care for yourself. Sleep right. Eat right. Learn to take a break when you're stressed so you don't say and do things that will exacerbate the situation.

 

Even if you put him ins school, he needs these things.

[lovinmyboys]

Yeah, I probably wouldn't have even brought it up with Dh except that I wanted his help getting him physically to school. I could just enroll him. Of course, two could play that game and Dh may just enroll the other kids. (Normally I don't think he would do anything like that, but for some reason we have been unable to have a rational conversation about this).

 

I definitely want him to go to school. I get sad thinking about the good things he would be missing by not homeschooling and I don't want him to feel singled out by being the only one going to school (he doesn't want to go). But I am just so done using all of my energy to get him to do things.

 

I appreciate the suggestions on dealing with him. I do most of them. I really feel like I do my best and I think it is the right thing, but then he still acts the way he does. I don't know why. At this point I just feel too tired to try to figure it out. Maybe he will outgrow it. In the meantime, someone else can deal with it 35 hours a week.

 

If he doesn't want to go to school, he won't get out of bed, won't eat, probably will strip naked, will unbuckle in the car, will dump out his backpack and lunch. If he doesn't want to do something he will do anything in his power to not do it. No reward or punishment will make him do it. I don't know why. Other than that he is a perfectly typical 6yr old.

[BooksandBoys]

My five year old is your six year old. A nonviolent boy who refuses to cooperate. Ever. His entire life.

I'm hopeful for change someday. ;-)

 

He is in school this year while my oldest is still being HS'd. Getting him out the door has involved interesting methods, including carrying him into school multiple times in 8 weeks. Mostly, he cooperates at drop-off now because I found his currency: Paw Patrol paraphernalia. He's never had currency before (and punishments are the worst disaster of all!!). He earns stickers for getting out of the car of his own power. Stickers earn Paw Patrol stuff. Yes, I've still had to carry him since starting that, but mostly it's better.

As to getting ready in the morning, he requires my full, always upbeat, happy and completely firm attention. I must ignore my other two almost completely to be successful. Even if we are late, I must pretend we are relaxed and happy because if he catches wind of stress, he'all completely shut down. I'm getting REALLY good at this! I keep the comb and toothbrush at the table to do that for him (no way can I get him to go take care of this things himself). I dress him if necessary. I take food in the car to supplement the breakfast he often refuses to eat at home. We listen to his favorite music in the car. I stop the music several minutes before arrival so he can wrap his brain around it being time to get out of the car. He sits in the seat nearest the passenger door to make exiting easy.

 

I also cut hearts out of paper every night and put them in his lunch and snack. He lives for the hearts. Sometimes I make really intricate ones because he loves them so. I've never been a mom who does things like that, but you do what you have to do.

 

Edited to add: I miss him when he's gone. He's struggling in school, so I'm constantly considering whether I need to bring him home. But I am much more relaxed with him in school.

Edited October 11, 2016 by BooksandBoys

[Miss Mousie]

Is there something else that happens away from home that he *does* want to do?  Martial arts, maybe?  Something that might buy you an hour, even two....

 

Do you know your husband's reasons for his all-or-nothing view?

 

I'm sorry it's so hard, and so exhausting.  :grouphug:

 

[Paige]

Does he have a diagnosis? If you literally can't get him to school but don't want to teach him, you could look into signing him up for PS with an IEP that gets him a tutor that comes to the house until his emotional issues have been dealt with in a way that means he cooperates. Then the burden would be off of you except for supervising HW. 

[gingersmom]

Have you tried OT with your son?

 

Can you hire someone to come in the morning and help with other kids while you get one off to school?

 

Would he be more willing to go on a school bus?

[Anne in CA]

Generally when two people cannot have a rational discussion it is because one person cant articulate something important to them, so they dig in and don't care how irrational they sound. He may have a good reason for feeling the way he does, he may not, but he can't tell you the real reason whether it's because he can't bring it to the front of his mind to articulate it, or whether it's because he knows the real reason isn't good and doesn't want you to know it. IME, if you fight about it enough he will break down and tell you, but it will cause chaos for everyone in the house until then. 

 

The six year old needs something more than school. He needs some kind of behavioral therapy and you need some help. Whenever you are doing your best and it's not enough you have every right to some help. If your dh won't help, you need to find help somewhere else. 

[MomatHWTK]

Look at resources that are geared toward helping you understand ADHD and ASD. For us, a lot of issues were alleviated by DH and I understanding DS' thought process and changing our approach. It doesn't make all the issue go away, but it helps. Basically, you learn to speak the child's language. Then, as he matures you can help him begin to understand yours. 

 

(i.e. We use the dependence on structure to create "rules" for doing certain things.)

 

Undoing rules that the child has internalized on his own has been our greatest challenge. One of my children will absolutely not read for pleasure b/c in his world reading=school. He has become more flexible over time (comics, graphic novels and magazines are non-school reading).  We had to realize why he was reacting the way that he was and adjust our approach to see improvements. Also, for a child who suffers from rigid thinking, it is VERY important to choose your battles.

 

Therapy and medication may be necessary at some point. It wouldn't hurt to get an evaluation to find out exactly what you are facing. Getting an eval doesn't mean you have to follow every recommendation. 

 

A starting point for your research: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-sense-autistic-spectrum-disorders/201608/cognitive-rigidity-the-8-ball-hell

Edited October 11, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[Lady Florida.]

 

 

let someone else work with him during the day, and you can be more efficient about focusing your energy on your other children who also have needs.

 

So much this. I have a friend whose youngest was born with severe physical disabilities (her oldest is the same age as ds and we used to be in a playgroup when they were young). She tried to do all and be all but she just couldn't and it was stressful for their whole family. She ended up going back to work and they hired a nurse, and took a lot of criticism for it. However, she said she could either be a mother or a nurse but she couldn't be both. She chose mother.

 

It sounds like you can either be your son's mother or teacher but not both, and you want to be his mother. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

 

If he doesn't want to go to school, he won't get out of bed, won't eat, probably will strip naked, will unbuckle in the car, will dump out his backpack and lunch. If he doesn't want to do something he will do anything in his power to not do it. No reward or punishment will make him do it. I don't know why. Other than that he is a perfectly typical 6yr old.

 

It sounds like there's more going on with him. You say this is about school but in your OP you said he's been hard all of his life and is an "explosive" child. Have you explored looking into a diagnosis? If he ends up with a label, so be it. Labels can help both you and the child understand why he is the way he is. Often a child with differences needs a different approach as traditional parent styles might not work with them. A label can help you learn what that approach might be. It can also help the child understand he's not a bad kid.

Edited October 12, 2016 by Lady Florida.

[lovinmyboys]

Yes it isn't really about school. He has been hard from day one. I just thought school would give us a break from each other and he is now old enough to go. And I actually think he will like it once he tries it.

 

I think one reason Dh doesn't want to send him is because it isn't about school and he thinks I need to learn to deal with him (not exactly the wording I am looking for). He thinks ds will still not behave at home even if I send him to school. I actually agree with that, but sending him to school would let the rest of the family function for those hours.

 

It is really hard to talk about ds like this because he is just a young child and a very sweet one. I don't like making it sound like he is an uncontrollable monster.

 

I have talked to the pediatrician but it wasn't very helpful. I may make another appointment. Ds really is very normal most of the time. It is just when things don't go his way or he has to do something he doesn't want to do that he becomes very difficult. What my other kids might whine about or try to argue their way out of, he flat out refuses. He is never violent or destructive. He just won't do it. If he doesn't want to get in the car, he won't. I just don't know what the diagnosis for that would be. When I filled out one questionnaire, it asked a lot about violence. He honestly has never phyiscally hurt anyone.

[mommyto4]

My third son has been a very challenging child.  This year was even worse.  I was thinking about putting him in school, but was not at all convinced he would do better there.  My wise husband told me to unschool him -- and it has been wonderful.  I can focus on my other two while he plays or reads or does some workbook pages of his own choosing or creates his own games or draws or whatever!  He is happier, and I can survive a day!  He still does co-op once a week at our house and has to listen to read alouds and do his AWANA work.  

 

I do hope this won't last for too long and he will want to start back on the curriculum I have picked out for him.  But right now, unschooling is working for our family.  

 

Julie

[Ausmumof3]

It sounds like he is all round difficult but I will say I found six and seven the hardest for kids just not wanting to do stuff. In part I think at this age the general curriculum expectations ramp up a little earlier than a lot of kids are ready for the increase.

 

Is he mostly difficult about school work or does it feel like a more general engagement in a battle of wills?

[maize]

I sent just my six year old to school this year and it is working out well.

[Valley Girl]

Generally when two people cannot have a rational discussion it is because one person cant articulate something important to them, so they dig in and don't care how irrational they sound. He may have a good reason for feeling the way he does, he may not, but he can't tell you the real reason whether it's because he can't bring it to the front of his mind to articulate it, or whether it's because he knows the real reason isn't good and doesn't want you to know it. IME, if you fight about it enough he will break down and tell you, but it will cause chaos for everyone in the house until then. 

 

The six year old needs something more than school. He needs some kind of behavioral therapy and you need some help. Whenever you are doing your best and it's not enough you have every right to some help. If your dh won't help, you need to find help somewhere else. 

 

That's a great point. OP, is it possible your DH is afraid that putting your son in school will result in him GETTING a diagnosis? Maybe that's why he's pushing to enroll all the kids, hoping you'll reconsider and keep them all home? Or does he simply feel that having some in PS and some at home will create even more chaos? Just some ideas. It's so blasted hard on everybody when you have one who just won't cooperate on any level.

 

[luuknam]

It is just when things don't go his way or he has to do something he doesn't want to do that he becomes very difficult. What my other kids might whine about or try to argue their way out of, he flat out refuses. He is never violent or destructive. He just won't do it. If he doesn't want to get in the car, he won't. I just don't know what the diagnosis for that would be. When I filled out one questionnaire, it asked a lot about violence. He honestly has never phyiscally hurt anyone.

 

Best I can tell you don't have to be violent/destructive to be diagnosed with ODD:

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oppositional_defiant_disorder

 

FWIW, ODD would be a last resort kind of diagnosis - after ruling out anything else that might make a kid refuse to do stuff. But if you need a diagnosis to get services, that's one you might look into.

Edited October 11, 2016 by luuknam

[Tanaqui]

Second, Dh says if one kid goes to school then all 3 school age kids have to. I am not really into all of them going to school this year for various reasons.

 

Your child has two parents. It looks like you're the parent who is in charge of schooling. If the two of you can't agree, your vote trumps his, because you're dealing with this all day.

 

I'm curious how long it would take to get him to and from school every day. Is it really so long that it's not feasible to either bring the other two with you or leave them alone?

[Acadie]

I think it's interesting that you mention that structure helps him. School might be beneficial in that case--and it's possible experienced teachers may have insight on what might help him overall.

 

But if school ends up not being a good fit for him right now, thankfully you know you can always go back to homeschooling. And you will have had a break!

 

I wonder if emphasizing the positive possibilities in your thinking about it, and in your conversations with your husband and son, might shift this a bit. Or if the other two won't budge, at least in your mind, it might help you find clarity about whether you want to give it a try, and how to implement that. 

 

It's tough to feel stuck. What if the goal were simply to shift the energy around this and see how it goes? Sometimes I feel like when I'm at the end of my rope my kids can sense it, and they rise to the occasion where they seemed unable to before. 

 

Amy

 

 

[lovinmyboys]

Your child has two parents. It looks like you're the parent who is in charge of schooling. If the two of you can't agree, your vote trumps his, because you're dealing with this all day.

 

I'm curious how long it would take to get him to and from school every day. Is it really so long that it's not feasible to either bring the other two with you or leave them alone?

It is about a 7 minute round trip so I could leave the other kids home alone. It is hard to explain but it is so much easier to deal with him when I can focus only on him. It would be a full time job in the morning getting him in the car and to school. Ideally the other kids wouldn't need my attention. I can do it myself. I would probably just tell the other kids to stay in their rooms and play/read until I get home. (I also have a 4yr old, who is super laid back, but not as self sufficient as my older kids).

[lovinmyboys]

It sounds like he is all round difficult but I will say I found six and seven the hardest for kids just not wanting to do stuff. In part I think at this age the general curriculum expectations ramp up a little earlier than a lot of kids are ready for the increase.

 

Is he mostly difficult about school work or does it feel like a more general engagement in a battle of wills?

I feel like the ramping up of expectations has been really hard for him. He was so, so, so hard at age 4, but 5 was better and I thought we were past the difficult stage. I think, in reality, 5 was an easier age because he was still preschool age, but totally able to handle it. He understood why he had to do most of the things I made him do. While he used to fight the car seat, by 5 he understood that it kept him safe. He understood why he needed to brush his teeth, etc. I don't think he yet sees why he should learn to read, or add, or write.

[fairfarmhand]

. I don't think he yet sees why he should learn to read, or add, or write.

 

Then wait.

 

This doesn't mean that you do nothing with him.

 

Just wait for a bit.

 

Let him count pennies. Sneak schooly stuff in there, but don't make it school.

 

Read books. Doodle his name.

 

He's probably super immature in this area and needs to wait until he sees the need.

 

Sometimes once the pressure is off and it's HIS idea, it's effortless.

[Lady Florida.]

It is really hard to talk about ds like this because he is just a young child and a very sweet one. I don't like making it sound like he is an uncontrollable monster.

 

 

 

:grouphug: Of course he isn't. He's a six year old boy who might be in need of help to understand and control his behavior. You and your dh might also be in need of help to help him. 

 

I say this as the mother of a now-adult son with severe ADHD, both inattentive and impulsive type. He was six when diagnosed (and ADHD is not something one outgrows any more than one outgrows diabetes). By then dss was grown and out of the house and ds is my only. If there were other children I was trying to homeschool or if I couldn't handle homeschooling ds even as an only child, I would have sent him to school. I know you're not the one who needs to be convinced school might be what he needs, but maybe you should consider looking into more about his behavior.

 

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to talk about. If a child has a deadly allergy, a physical disability, or a chronic illness, people don't question your parenting skills. When it comes to emotional and behavioral disabilities they look to the parents and wonder what you did wrong to "create" such a child. BTDT, dealt with the ignorant people who thought it could be fixed if we were just better parents. We as parents need to not buy into that, and treat these problems as any other medical problem. Your son might not have a problem, but there's no shame in trying to find out and there's no shame in finding out he does.  :grouphug:

Edited October 12, 2016 by Lady Florida.

[Seasider]

You will only have to "make" him go until he realizes that he actually likes it. Make it through that learning curve and you will be set.

 

As for your dh, well, get away from the term homeschooling. Call it parent-directed education. You are making educational decisions for each child based on his or her individual needs. It's not a one-size-fits-all enterprise.

[Lecka]

There are a lot of kids who have a hard time going into school in the morning! You would not be the only one!

 

I have had some struggles in this area, too.

 

For me it is worth it bc I believe my son benefits from school, and I believe he benefits from knowing there are things where I am going to make him do it. It does something for my basic adult authority with him. Just the most basic level of adult authority is helped, and then it does help to make other things easier where I do need him to just do things bc I am the parent and he is the child.

 

I am huge on offering choices and I like to be child-led in many ways, but sometimes he needs to do things, too.

 

It sounds like it is hard but that he is not physical towards you.

 

I think then you need to be mentally strong and most important don't be embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, and many people seeing you will have had their own difficult drop-outs at some point! They are not all looking down on you or anything.

 

You will be okay! It is hard, but you can do it!

 

That is if you decide it is the right decision for your family.

[idnib]

:grouphug: 

 

It seems you should be able to leave the 10 yo and the 8 yo alone while you take the 6 yo to school, unless the school is really far away or has an really long drop-off line.

Edited October 11, 2016 by idnib

[StephanieZ]

I don't understand why you'd need a second adult to manage the other kids if the other kids are well enough behaved to leave at home, alone, while you take their brother to school?

 

Why not just let the siblings sleep in until you're about ready to leave, then wake them up with donuts & juice boxes in hand -- and tell them donuts are for in the car while we drop off little brother to school? Crappy breakfast foods won't kill them in the few weeks/months it takes to get your son acclimated to school. Just feed them really healthy lunches, lol.

 

If they are mature and well behaved enough to be trusted at home alone, then it sounds to me like the older kids could be asked to play nicely, sleep in, eat their cereal, whatever . . . while you take 60 min each school morning to focus solely on getting the 6 yo ready for school and then get him delivered. 

 

(I'm not keen on the idea of you leaving the house -- in a car  --while the others are at home, though. You never know when an accident could happen at home or in the car. Sounds too young to me. I'd pop them in the back seat for the ride.)

[displace]

I agree with a PP that you should maybe try to understand your DH's POV on why it's all or nothing (unless I missed that?). Frequently my DH would assume something about me - he didn't want me to be stressed over something, he thought it would be too much work, etc. But the reality is that you are dealing with the day to day things. You have an idea if an hour of struggle with brick and mortar school commute time is worth five hours of alone time with the others. Your DS's behavior may not improve once he's home for the day, but you not needing to handle it all day long while trying to focus and multitask and homeschool at the same time may be beneficial. We are all different. Some moms can have a lot of kids and homeschool them all well. Some can homeschool one well. Some can teach learning disabilities and some cannot. All of our situations and personalities are different. It may be a better day over all to use public school, or it may make life harder. But you are the judge of that.

 

Personally, if DH was adamant about all or nothing, if you want to continue homeschooling the olders I'd continue trying but I'd hire out help if possible, like a mother's helper to distract DS. If your DH has never cared for all the children at the same time while trying to accomplish things I'd have him do a trial run to see how hard it is. Have DH do a practice school day on a Saturday or Sunday (and give the kids a weekday break), so he can have a taste of what's going on. It might help you both brainstorm new ideas.

Edited October 12, 2016 by displace

[Mimm]

Agreeing with StephanieZ. I think you can put him in school and make him go. You have the right not to hs a child against your will and possibly against his best interest.

 

:iagree:

 

I have a very stubborn husband who insisted I continue to homeschool a child when I knew it was the wrong choice for her and I regret listening to him. I should have put my foot down and insisted. It would have been so much better for her, for me, and for her sister. We (me and oldest child) are still recovering from a damaged relationships. I don't think your husband's opinion means nothing, but you guys disagree and someone needs to compromise and frankly, it ought to be him in this situation. You are the one there, seeing what's going on every day.

 

Homeschooling a spirited child is such hard work. Heck, just parenting them when they aren't in school is hard enough, without adding homeschooling to it. I'm not sure why your husband feels that if one goes, they all need to go. Each of your children are unique and have their own needs.

[QueenCat]

Does he have a diagnosis? If you literally can't get him to school but don't want to teach him, you could look into signing him up for PS with an IEP that gets him a tutor that comes to the house until his emotional issues have been dealt with in a way that means he cooperates. Then the burden would be off of you except for supervising HW. 

 

The school isn't going to do an IEP until he is a student there. And it's a process, not something that's just given, even with diagnosis. They'll do a variety of things on site before they'll go to the expense of doing homebound.

[lovinmyboys]

To clarify, school is just a few minutes away. I asked Dh to go in late the first few days so that it would be a more pleasant morning for everyone. You are right that I don't really "need" Dh. It is just easier. I just brought ds somewhere he didn't want to go. I am emotionally drained, but it was fine. He yelled some in the car and then went limp when we got here. Now that he is in his class he is doing great. I'm sure it would be the same at school. Once he got there he would be fine. I just was hoping the first impression of him wouldn't be that.

 

Thank you everyone for all the advice and encouragement. I feel like I don't have a lot of support IRL. It is nice to know that others out there get it.

Edited October 11, 2016 by lovinmyboys

[lovinmyboys]

Then wait.

 

This doesn't mean that you do nothing with him.

 

Just wait for a bit.

 

Let him count pennies. Sneak schooly stuff in there, but don't make it school.

 

Read books. Doodle his name.

 

He's probably super immature in this area and needs to wait until he sees the need.

 

Sometimes once the pressure is off and it's HIS idea, it's effortless.

This is another option. Ideally he wouldn't have to go to school, but I can only handle so many outbursts in a day. Maybe he isn't ready. He is so smart, and believe it or not mature in other areas. I just feel like he should be learning to read now. Maybe it won't matter if he doesn't read until next year. Otoh, in general, I do think 6yr olds should be making some sort of academic progress.

[Paige]

The school isn't going to do an IEP until he is a student there. And it's a process, not something that's just given, even with diagnosis. They'll do a variety of things on site before they'll go to the expense of doing homebound.

 

That's not necessarily true. If you come in with a diagnosis and a doctor saying he or she does not advise full time school, they should immediately refer the child to the homebound team for review. It may not be approved, but they will look at it.

 

This is exactly what happened to me this year. I sent written notice that I had a child that I believed should be evaluated for an IEP. We had a meeting (not enrolled), I gave them the doctor's report, and we discussed how they could accommodate her anxiety if I enrolled her.The doctor had said she advised that my DD not attend school yet and they called me and said homebound full time or part time was an option I could consider. All of this was before my child was enrolled. We ultimately decided to send her to 1 class a day as a homeschooled student but homebound was an option from the beginning without them ever having met my DD and her never being enrolled before. 

Edited October 11, 2016 by Paige

[PeterPan]

Have you ever considered evals?  Has anyone suggested to you explanations for his behaviors?  ODD and ASD would be the most probable diagnoses.  Maybe there are more.  

 

When you say you couldn't get him to school, I personally believe you.  Until someone has btdt with a dc like that, they don't get that you LITERALLY MEAN you wouldn't be able to get him to school.  

 

Right now you're saying you're overwhelmed and assume it means you're a bad parent.  In our house, that behavior was coming from the autism.  We have an ABA team that comes into our home, stress is down, life is better.  

 

So no matter what, it's not your fault, clearly.  You're a functioning, effective, diligent parent with other complaint children.  I would get *private* evals, find out what is *actually* going on, *then* go to the ps and fight for his IEP.  Unfortunately, the IEP process is only about determining whether you qualify for services, not what is actually going on.  With the hardest, most complex questions, you're less likely to get correct information without private evals.  Private evals help you advocate better and supervise the IEP process to make sure he gets everything he SHOULD be getting.

 

I suggest you come over to LC and talk evals.   :)

 

 

SaveSave

Edited October 11, 2016 by OhElizabeth

[PeterPan]

The whole thing of putting all the kids in is a red herring.  The ps evals aren't the answer when the question is this complex.  First private evals, then go through the ps for an IEP if you decide you want their services.  If your insurance will kick in behavioral hours at home, you don't need the ps.  Some states have disability scholarships.  It's an increasingly available thing!  Our state has an AMAZING disability scholarship program, which I use to pay for in-home ABA and tutoring for my ds.  If I wanted, I could use the funding and never teach him at all.  I kid you not.  I could just fund every single hour, and I'd still be choosing the curriculum, the workers, etc.  But I would do nothing.

 

ABA is mind-boggling effective (and POSITIVE) for behavioral problems.  I can't emphasize enough how important it is to get right words so you can have more options.  Merely plunking him in the ps, with his level of challenging behavior, is likely to lead to about 2 years of agony in the IEP process as they do things and redo it, before you finally cave and get the private evals anyway.  They're likely to put him in an ED room if he's that oppositional.  Is he a flight risk?  They'll observe him for a grading period, but if he's aggressive, oppositional, etc., they're going to have to take steps.  They have tools in their mainstream/inclusive rooms and tools that are saved for smaller, dedicated units.  So think through what it REALLY means.  It's not like he's just gonna magically do for them for 8 hours a day what he doesn't do for you.  He might, but the novelty will wear off, the demands will increase, and his weaknesses and challenges will begin to show.  And that process of them bringing in those supports takes a while.  You might not like how they get there or how long it takes.  It might frustrate you to realize that they'll make their OWN situation better but not give a rip about YOURS.  They won't necessarily work on social skills and social thinking and self-regulation and all the supports he needs in the home as well to make your home life better.  

 

That's why we ended up going for in-home services, because I felt like, NO MATTER WHAT, I wanted to be able to live with my ds at home.  Like ok, be honest, some days you're not sure that has to be on the table.  But I'm just saying I decided if I put him in a school that cost $30K a year (we have them here) and they solved school but DIDN'T improve my problems at home, I was still screwed.  I decided I wanted home fixed and then the rest would follow.  And for us it HAS.  For us, the in-home team was the solution.  Might not be a perfect or long-term solution, but for right now it's actually really stellar.  

[PeterPan]

He is finally old enough for school and I would like him to go.

 

Then just take him.  Take him tomorrow morning and enroll him.  Does your ps provide busing?  If they do, and if it's safe, I would use that and *not* drive him.  The reasons are one, that it's complicating how you deal with the other kids, and two it prolongs the struggle.  The fact that you cannot get him to comply and go on the bus despite clear structure and routine will be very important in the IEP process.  They may provide alternate bussing or an aide.

 

Stop compensating and acting like the problem is YOU.  The problem is he needs more than typical supports.  Figure out who you want to give them and make it happen.  If you want the ps to provide them, then get the NOLO book on the IEP process, schedule private evals, do them BEFORE signing any paperwork for evals with the ps (this step is very important!!), and then use your private evals to advocate for what should happen in the ps.

 

If that's what you want, make it happen.  

[Janeway]

My husband does not simply order me to what to do. We are partners in this marriage. 

 

I think you need to work on the marital issues. And I also think your son just needs to go back to school. Your children are individuals. They are not units where everyone needs to be doing the exact same thing. What happens when he gets in trouble? All children are punished? On birthdays..do they all get equal presents on each others birthdays? Do they all eat the same exact amount of the same exact things and have the same exact bedtimes? 

 

Please address the marital issues (((hugs)))). 

[eternalsummer]

I can see where your DH is coming from.  While it makes sense to you that your kids are individuals and some may need to be home and others not, etc., from what you say the reason you want to send him to school is because he makes your life difficult, and you'd like him to be gone for 8 hours a day.  That is a valid feeling, but alas your son may very well interpret it (correctly) as you don't want him around, and you do want the other kids around.

[Seasider]

This is another option. Ideally he wouldn't have to go to school, but I can only handle so many outbursts in a day. Maybe he isn't ready. He is so smart, and believe it or not mature in other areas. I just feel like he should be learning to read now. Maybe it won't matter if he doesn't read until next year. Otoh, in general, I do think 6yr olds should be making some sort of academic progress.

I know a family who had a young son who is much like you describe. He was disagreeable but smart. Turns out he was dyslexic. His behavioral issues were fueled by his frustration. Getting him a good diagnosis and some proper instruction/therapy changed his life (and that of his family).

[Lecka]

If this is behavior you only see around reading or school/academic subjects requiring some certain common elements ---- I think that is very different than really not doing anything that is not on his terms in any area of life.

 

If you think about it or observe and see it seems to be all day long but is more just relating to times you try academics, it is really different than if it is with anything.

[38carrots]

This is another option. Ideally he wouldn't have to go to school, but I can only handle so many outbursts in a day. Maybe he isn't ready. He is so smart, and believe it or not mature in other areas. I just feel like he should be learning to read now. Maybe it won't matter if he doesn't read until next year. Otoh, in general, I do think 6yr olds should be making some sort of academic progress.

 

Maybe now is the time to re-examine those assumptions. What are the advantages of early academics in general (evidence based) and for your particular child? Is your child thriving on early academics and on your belief that he should be learning to read now?

 

The most academically successful countries in the word have play-based programs until children are 7 to 7.5 years old. Early reading in particular is not correlated with higher literary later in life.

 

One of the biggest advantages of homeschooling is flexibility and an individualized approach to each child's education. If learning to read makes your very young child miserable, why do you feel it is beneficial for him to make him?

 

[38carrots]

Some years ago, when I was starting to homeschool, advice on homeschooling board swould center around how to make homeschooling work for this child. What changed that now the majority of the advice is to send him to school?

 

What kind of message about learning and education will this child receive? That school / learning is a punishment? That he is separated from his family, against his will, so that he could do what? "Learn to read"?

 

This child, mature in many areas, seems to be emotionally immature. This is the child who needs to be with his mother and his siblings for proper emotional development. And yet he's the one to be send away, to be around equally emotionally immature peers for most of his day? Learning to read, but at what cost to his emotional and social development? And, I'd argue, academic development as well, as there are no guarantees that he will be supported academically either.

 

Has this world gone entirely mad???

Edited October 12, 2016 by 38carrots

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Some years ago, when I was starting to homeschool, advice on homeschooling board swould center around how to make homeschooling work for this child. What changed that now the majority of the advice is to send him to school?

 

What kind of message about learning and education will this child receive? That school / learning is a punishment? That he is separated from his family, against his will, so that he could do what? "Learn to read"?

 

This child, mature in many areas, seems to be emotionally immature. This is the child who needs to be with his mother and his siblings for proper emotional development. And yet he's the one to be send away, to be around equally emotionally immature peers for most of his day? Learning to read, but at what cost to his emotional and social development? And, I'd argue, academic development as well, as there are no guarantees that he will be supported academically either.

 

Has this world gone entirely mad???

 

Whoa. Back up the truck.

 

The people responding who say "send him if you want to" are people who have raised children who needed to be homeschooled, at great personal cost and inconvenience, I might add. There are also people who can understand how a GOOD mother might require support, or even "just" respite, to be the best mother she can be to a child with issues. Or she might need school in order to get the ball rolling on evaluations.

 

The mother is concerned about the child's development, and she needs some help. School suggests itself as the handiest potential solution, so she's talking about it. I don't think you should act like she's trying to palm off her responsibilities, or like the board has tilted in favor of inappropriate academics over relationship. From where I'm sitting, neither of those appear to be true at all.

[38carrots]

Whoa. Back up the truck.

 

The people responding who say "send him if you want to" are people who have raised children who needed to be homeschooled, at great personal cost and inconvenience, I might add. There are also people who can understand how a GOOD mother might require support, or even "just" respite, to be the best mother she can be to a child with issues. Or she might need school in order to get the ball rolling on evaluations.

 

The mother is concerned about the child's development, and she needs some help. School suggests itself as the handiest potential solution, so she's talking about it. I don't think you should act like she's trying to palm off her responsibilities, or like the board has tilted in favor of inappropriate academics over relationship. From where I'm sitting, neither of those appear to be true at all.

 

:confused1:

 

I think it is totally fine for me to believe (and express my belief, on a homeschooling board, no less) that school is not "the handiest potential solution."

 

Not that it matters, but I have one of those highly spirited children. It is not like I don't know about having a "challenging" child at home.