Son does not want to go to college, ASD, motivation issues

[Janeway]

Son really is a 10th grader, but I call him a 9/10th grader because he is a September birthday. When I wanted to enroll him back in to school, they insisted that he has to go up to 10th grade. I figure if I call him a 9th grader now, he can take advantage of a senior year that is all DE.

 

Son says he does not want to go to college. Not at all. He has ASD, of the Aspergers variety, only it is just called ASD now. He says he plans to teach karate for a living. I suggested that he consider a business degree or maybe even exercise science or something. Nope. He just wants to teach karate for a living and eventually, own his own dojo. He is the same one who did not want to return to public school or private.

 

I get the feeling that he has a fear of going to school. Maybe taking a DE class will start to open him up. He does go to an outsourced class. I am unsure of what to think or which direction to go. I know it is early, but, my husband and I are first generation graduated from college. We do not want to spend our lives financially supporting our children. Our children have lots of activities and how can I get him to understand that all this comes to halt when he is an adult unless he can pay for it himself? I feel like, maybe, his cooshie life has led him to feel like he does not need a drive. I grew up with next to nothing. I barely had toys and I did not like farm life or rural life. I was very motivated to go to college and have a different future.

 

Shouldn't he, by now, be considering what he might want to do in the future? It seems like everyone around me with kids his age are talking about how their child is interested in this or that or this future or that. But he just sits here and wants to do his extracurricular for the rest of his life.

 

 

[Caroline]

I'm confused as to why you don't think he has plans for the future. He says he wants to be a karate instructor and own his own dojo. That's plans. That's reasonable plans.

[Janeway]

I'm confused as to why you don't think he has plans for the future. He says he wants to be a karate instructor and own his own dojo. That's plans. That's reasonable plans.

He would not even be able to afford his own apartment on those wages. I had not exactly planned on him living here the rest of his life. Oh, and he watches Top Gear and thinks he will get a car from there on his karate teacher wages..such as a Ferrari.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Janeway

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm confused as to why you don't think he has plans for the future. He says he wants to be a karate instructor and own his own dojo. That's plans. That's reasonable plans.

 

Agreed.

 

The way for him to learn that his expensive activities must stop after high school unless he can afford them is for you to tell him that. You could teach him about budgeting, personal finance, life skills...this is part of that ongoing conversation.

 

They don't all have to go to college. They don't all have to go to college right away, either, even if they end up there under their own motivation and power later...some young people need to try something else for awhile until THEY come to believe that college (or other training) will obviously get them closer to their dreams than what they're doing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My ASD son changed a lot from when he was in 9th or even 10th grade.  The more you push him, the more rigid he is going to become.  My ASD son is going to college this year - a year later than originally planned because he needed that time.  Aspies can be late bloomers.  Pushing him is absolutely the wrong way to deal with someone with ASD.  Have you gotten any help from people who know ASD? 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

He would not even be able to afford his own apartment on those wages. I had not exactly planned on him living here the rest of his life. Oh, and he watches Top Gear and thinks he will get a car from there on his karate teacher wages..such as a Ferrari.

 

Again, if he may not live at home after high school graduation, you'll need to tell him that he'll have to go to work at a job that will support him.

 

That does NOT mean college, or having a professional career plan for the rest of his life. He can absolutely pursue his martial arts dreams. He'll just have to work a bread-and-butter job, as well.

 

He could be a fast food restaurant manager, a waiter, a dock worker at FedEx, a retail cashier, or a Rent-a-Center delivery guy...(these are some of the jobs my 18yos have held). He wouldn't be well-to-do but he could live on his own.

 

Edited: I agree with Jean that this is not necessarily a conversation for right now. He's not moving out in the next six months! He doesn't have to have a plan yet. This is a conversation for 11th grade. It's OK if he's not there yet. He's not grown up yet.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Tibbie Dunbar

[ktgrok]

I agree that they are very much late bloomers. My son is now 17 and JUST starting to fathom the realities of the outside world. Like..in the past few weeks, lol. 

 

I think DE will help a lot. Can he take one class to start with? 

 

Also, can you have him talk to his karate instructor about the realities of the job? It would mean more coming from him than you, you know?

[kiana]

Almost every martial arts instructor I know has a "day job" to pay the bills. 

 

But kids do a lot of maturing and even if, at 18, he still doesn't want to go to college, that doesn't mean that he's never going to go. There are a lot of 18 year olds (or 19 year olds who flunked out of college) who go work at a gas station or a fast food joint for a few years, and then later decide "Man, I wish I had gone to college" and go back. I have a lot of them in my classes and they're often some of my very best students, because they've seen what life is like without a degree. 

 

That also doesn't mean that, at 18, you need to give him a rent-free place to live with internet access and his karate fees paid. My parents made me start paying rent after I dropped out of college, and although at the time I was pissed, I understand now and am grateful. 

[cjzimmer1]

Well at 17 my neurotypical kid was having a hard time figuring out what he wanted to with his life, it wouldn't surprise me in the least for anyone to not know at that age. We told DS he had to get a job when he graduated. As it turned out DH has a co-worker whose town e is the hiring manager at a large professional company town. I practically had to write his résumé and shove home out the door when I dropped him off for his interview but it has worked out well for him. He really really likes his job and there is lots of room for advancement including in his major. The CC is two blocks away and he walks from school to work. But this all came together a month ago. DS was 18 1\2 before he really figured it out and then everything g fell together in short order. I think you have lots of time yet.

[JustEm]

He would not even be able to afford his own apartment on those wages. I had not exactly planned on him living here the rest of his life. Oh, and he watches Top Gear and thinks he will get a car from there on his karate teacher wages..such as a Ferrari.

Umm my dh supports 6 people and we own our own house on a kung fu instructor's salary. Your ds may not get a Ferrari but he can certainly live on those wages. I would continue to encourage him to take some business classes if he wants to eventually run his own business but it certainly isn't necessary.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I get why you are worried.  Hang in there.  I agree with the others, he is almost certainly going to move at a slower pace maturationally, so honestly sweating this out right now is going to be unproductive for you.  And pressing and pushing him to give up his dream right now with an ASD child is also unproductive and may cause him to really dig in his heals.

 

People have had successful careers without immediately going to college.  And many never need to go.  Does a degree help?  Yes, in many instances especially in today's day and age they can be very necessary.  But not always and not for everyone and not immediately.  Your son many very well need time to explore his options and follow his dreams and have time to mature.  He may eventually want to get a degree.

 

Is your primary concern financial and physical independence for your son?  Or is there also a significant emotional/social component to your worries, given that you and your DH are first generation college graduates?  My suggestion, either way, is to work hard on life skills right now.  Financial planning, taking care of his belongings, chores around the house that would keep him functional as in independent adult, how to take care of a car (teach him how to manage the upkeep of your vehicle if you have vehicles), and how to handle public transportation, etc.  Time will tell if his dream of owning a dojo will be possible but in the meantime the life skills are going to get him further down the road.

 

I would also explore technical training colleges in your area.  See if there is anything there that is appealing to him.  Perhaps getting a start in a technical career would give him the income and time to mature to start building the funds and connections and resources to open his own dojo.

 

And have him research the details of owning a dojo, maybe interview those that do, and make a list of things he needs to be preparing to be able to do that.  In other words, support his dream while you help him prepare for other options or ways to survive in the meantime.

 

Good luck and best wishes.  

Edited September 5, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[TechWife]

I think expecting someone who is ASD to function independently just because he turned 18 is unrealistic. I've read, in more than one place, that people with Asperger Syndrome often are several years behind their peers from a maturity standpoint and a social standpoint. While my son, who is on the spectrum, is in college, we don't expect him to graduate in four years and we are uncertain whether or not he will be able to hold down a full time job when he does graduate. Supporting an adult is not something we planned to do, but it is something we are now taking into consideration. It's just the reality of having a son with ASD.

 

If he is like other people with ASD I know and know of, the more he is pushed to do things he is not yet mature enough to do, the more he will dig his heels in and the harder it will be for him to move forward, even when it becomes apparent, at a later time, that he might be ready to do so. People who are ASD aren't like the rest of us, they just aren't. We should not expect them to do things on our timetable. It's hard and it can be heartbreaking as well. But, I think you really need to adjust your expectations.

[Guest]

A lot of this is going to come down to YOUR boundaries.  Tenth grade might be a little young but in 11th, he is going to start taking tests, start seeing other kids looking at colleges and so on.  That might or might not benefit him.  

 

My son is now 21 and not remotely interested in college.  Not EVEN.  He is brilliant but doesn't like school.  God in His mercy has provided my son a mentor who treats my son like his own, and has brought him along in a field where my son will be able to make a living.  My son almost threw THAT over until we got VERY real with him.

 

You can't live here and not work or be in school.

You can't live here when you are 22.

You can't live here rent free.

You can't have internet here.  

You need to pay your own phone, car insurance, gas.  If you eat what we eat, I'll buy.  You buy your own special food.

 

He started looking around at jobs he could get with his (lack of education) and was smacked down.  He had always worked at way-above-minimum-wage jobs, lifeguarding and so on, and couldn't get his head around minimum wage, at ALL.  

 

He grabbed hard at the mentor's job and has been working much harder at it.  This is a job where he CAN advance without a degree.  

 

I have a young-man friend who wanted to do the whole karate dojo thing, and he is doing it.  As a side-business.  He finally went back to trade school so he could have a beyond-minimum wage trade, and that lets him live his dream at least part of the time.  People will always need plumbers.  

 

I wish we had done some of these things much earlier, but we were just spinning and lost.  It doesn't have to be mean, but it does have to be a time of setting expectations.  I would require your son to get a summer job, and start having the talks about budgeting and so on.  Look at apartments on Craigslist and see how much they cost.  Talk about why the IRS allows what, 50cents a mile?, for car expense.  (It costs a lot more than the price of gas to own a car....)  Prepare a budget like you are looking at how he can merge right into his post-high school life.  Don't be dramatic about it.  Just matter of fact.  

 

Reality is a really good teacher, but much harsher when one is not prepared for her.  

[gardenmom5]

Son really is a 10th grader, but I call him a 9/10th grader because he is a September birthday. When I wanted to enroll him back in to school, they insisted that he has to go up to 10th grade. I figure if I call him a 9th grader now, he can take advantage of a senior year that is all DE.

 

Son says he does not want to go to college. Not at all. He has ASD, of the Aspergers variety, only it is just called ASD now. He says he plans to teach karate for a living. I suggested that he consider a business degree or maybe even exercise science or something. Nope. He just wants to teach karate for a living and eventually, own his own dojo. He is the same one who did not want to return to public school or private.

 

I get the feeling that he has a fear of going to school. Maybe taking a DE class will start to open him up. He does go to an outsourced class. I am unsure of what to think or which direction to go. I know it is early, but, my husband and I are first generation graduated from college. We do not want to spend our lives financially supporting our children. Our children have lots of activities and how can I get him to understand that all this comes to halt when he is an adult unless he can pay for it himself? I feel like, maybe, his cooshie life has led him to feel like he does not need a drive. I grew up with next to nothing. I barely had toys and I did not like farm life or rural life. I was very motivated to go to college and have a different future.

 

Shouldn't he, by now, be considering what he might want to do in the future? It seems like everyone around me with kids his age are talking about how their child is interested in this or that or this future or that. But he just sits here and wants to do his extracurricular for the rest of his life.

he's what?  15? give him a break.  I would be surprised if half of those kids his age actually end up doing what they say they want to do now vs something else.  I only have one of my four adults who is actually majored in what she said she wanted to major in at that age. classics - but when I asked her what she'd do with it - she had no clue. (she's a computer nerd).   even my most disciplined and plans everything to the smallest detail child didn't major in what she thought she wanted to major at that age.

btw: my girls both attended a top tier uni that does NOT allow students to declare a major until their jr year. - because that is how many kids change their majors.

 

what is his anxiety level like?  (my aspie has terrible anxiety we work hard to control.)  that can be a huge game changer.

 

he wants to teach karate - what is his belt level? does he eventually plan on his own dojo? (I have a friend who does - he also has a MS degree)  point out he needs to know business.  teaching karate would  be a great option while he's studying business.    has he actually taught a full class with planning etc? 

 

start teaching him about money NOW.  real life living expenses etc. how much does his karate cost?  let him know - and how much tax you pay on what you earn before you even have that much to pay the dojo fees.  I've one friend who started giving her dd a full allowance.  she had to pay for her clothes, school expenses, toiletries, etc. from that.  if the money was gone and she still had expenses that month - well, that was a learning experience and she'd just have to figure something out.

[gardenmom5]

Umm my dh supports 6 people and we own our own house on a kung fu instructor's salary. Your ds may not get a Ferrari but he can certainly live on those wages. I would continue to encourage him to take some business classes if he wants to eventually run his own business but it certainly isn't necessary.

 

that depends upon the area you live, and what is your COL.  how many students - how much does  rent/tulities for your facility cost.  do you have enough students to hire additional instructors so you have multiple classes.  etc.  businesses take time to build, you don't have an established one overnight.

[Rebel Yell]

He might not need a college degree but if he plans to have his own business it would be very helpful to have some business classes. Diamond (21) has an Associate in small business management from community college. She has plans to have a dance school. SweetChild will either get an Associate or Business Certificate, which at our CC is the same classes as Associate without the "core" classes such as history, Composition, science etc. and electives. She will also get her license to be a makeup artist.

 

Personal,finance or business classes are a good idea for anyone who wants to go into business for themselves or make smarter decisions for whomever they end up working for.

[catz]

I think this is ok for a 15 year old.  I have a very smart but scattered 15 year old with a fall birthday and I've never regretted holding him at the correct grade level even though according to test scores he's beyond high school.  Maturity, focus, and intent can take a while. 

 

That said, if this is an interest area of his can you set him up with a volunteer assistant teaching opportunity at a dojo?  Does he like working with kids?  If he hasn't done assisting, he may not even like it.

 

I would educate him for college prep regardless covering life skills and reality lessons along the way.  I definitely think requiring him to take a few DE classes to "graduate" would be a good idea and I'm definitely doing that for my own kid.  My own kid does want to go to college but has no direction on it at all.  He wants to study SOMETHING. 

I also know people who drifted for a year or 2 and then went to college.  Sometimes a little more maturity helps.  I have friends that just graduated a super bright kid this spring at 17 from B&M school and he has zero interest in college.  He's working at a coffee shop.

[Innisfree]

Check out Temple Grandin's new book, The Loving Push. It's all about getting kids and young adults on the spectrum launched.

[ktgrok]

Also, if he doesn't like college because he doesn't like the monotonous nature of school, the hoops to jump through, etc...look at Western Governors University, or similar. Classes are competency based, and many involve passing industry certifications. If you can prove you can do the work, you don't have to keep doing the class...take the tests and move on. My Aspie might like something like that. 

[Janeway]

Again, if he may not live at home after high school graduation, you'll need to tell him that he'll have to go to work at a job that will support him.

 

That does NOT mean college, or having a professional career plan for the rest of his life. He can absolutely pursue his martial arts dreams. He'll just have to work a bread-and-butter job, as well.

 

He could be a fast food restaurant manager, a waiter, a dock worker at FedEx, a retail cashier, or a Rent-a-Center delivery guy...(these are some of the jobs my 18yos have held). He wouldn't be well-to-do but he could live on his own.

 

Edited: I agree with Jean that this is not necessarily a conversation for right now. He's not moving out in the next six months! He doesn't have to have a plan yet. This is a conversation for 11th grade. It's OK if he's not there yet. He's not grown up yet.

He can live here after graduation. But, it is preferable that he is not still living here at 30 or 40.

[KungFuPanda]

Does his karate teacher have a day job? Can he talk to him? Does he understand that very few karate instructors support themselves solely with their art and those who do have to run Tiny Dragon daycare-like programs. Does he work well with kids? Or Joe's he just enjoy it at the upper levels?

 

I get it. I teach dance classes, but it's definitely a side-gig that doesn't make much past supporting my own dance expenses. It's always a good idea to have a job with benefits.

[kbutton]

Others have had good suggestions to help enlighten him about life. I would like to note that not everyone knows what they want to do and needs help figuring it out. If you dissuade him about the dojo because you think it's best for him not to pursue that route, then he might be in this position thereafter.

 

I was first generation college bound and had NO IDEA what I wanted to do. My parents assumed college would help me figure that out...ha! They can do some career assessments, but it's not like knowing on your own. It was awful. And my alma mater had a lot of driven, successful students as the noram. I mean, I ended up doing fine, and I did graduate with a degree I used and enjoyed--after starting undeclared, running out of classes, declaring *something* to have a track, and then changing...twice. One of those changes was less than a year before I was supposed to be finished taking classes (I had enough credits and test-outs to graduate early). 

 

So, give him space, and gently get him on track to evaluating what the dojo idea has to offer--pros, cons, etc. I was a hot mess a huge part of school from the pressure of finishing something that was not going to be a good fit, and then I ended up splitting my junior and senior years into two years part time to get the sequence from my last switch to work out. You don't want an Aspie in full freak out mode in college. It was bad enough as a neurotypical person. 

[AK_Mom4]

DS24 knew what he wanted to do at age 10.  He is working his way towards his goal now.

DD22 knew what she wanted to do (play music all day) by age 13.  She got a degree and found a job that lets her do that (high school music teacher).

DS20 still has no clue what he wants to do, but has eliminated a bunch of ideas by trying different things.  He is plugging away on his degree now.

 

DD15 - arguably my most normal kid - is a highly academically advanced tenth grader.  She has no idea what she wants to do when she finishes high school.  I am hoping she will choose college - and she probably will as that is the route all the others have gone.  She thinks science might be "OK" but would prefer to be an artist of some sort.

 

 

Let it slide for now.  Maybe he will change his mind.  Maybe he won't.  I do know people that support themselves just teaching martial arts classes, so that's not necessarily a bad goal.

[regentrude]

I'm confused as to why you don't think he has plans for the future. He says he wants to be a karate instructor and own his own dojo. That's plans. That's reasonable plans.

 

You can't live on being a karate instructor and you cannot possibly earn enough to open your own dojo unless you have a main source of income otherwise.

This is a "reasonable" plan only if you have some other credentials or skills to fall back on for finances and in case of career ending injury.

 

I am saying this as the mother of a son with similar plans.

Edited September 5, 2016 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

I am a pretty academically oriented person, and didn't start thinking I might like university until grade 10.  So, that isn't that unusual IMO.

 

That being said, there are a lot of options esides university, even if a martial arts instructor isn't a realistic goal for him.  What does he like about the idea - teaching, being physically active, owning his own business? 

 

Perhaps he doesn't know right now, but it might be the case that university won't get him a job that he will really enjoy, and it would be wise to seriously consider other options.  People can do very well without a university degree, Especially if they find something they are well-suited to and work hard at, they may well do better than with a degree that isn't all that well lined up with ability or interest.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Chiming in again to say that my Aspie has benefitted greatly from the disability services office at his college.  They have a program specifically for young people with ASD.  There are real challenges.  There are real benefits.  How to address those needs to be different for someone with ASD to some extent.  I understand from talking to others that we are "spoiled" in a way by how good this program is, but I think it would be very difficult without it. 

[wapiti]

Shouldn't he, by now, be considering what he might want to do in the future? It seems like everyone around me with kids his age are talking about how their child is interested in this or that or this future or that. But he just sits here and wants to do his extracurricular for the rest of his life.

 

I'd guess that most 15 year olds don't know what they want to do with their lives yet and/or will change their ideas several times between now and early adulthood.  As long as he's keeping up with the academics, let him explore EC(s) deeply.  Maybe he needs direction about how to further that exploration.

Edited September 5, 2016 by wapiti

[regentrude]

typed response and it vanished...so here again:

 

I would just smile and nod for now. He is 15. Chances are, he will  think more about the realities and change his mind between now and then.

Ask me how I know this :)

 

What helped here was to take the career wish seriously and brainstorm viable solutions and plans.

Dismissing his plan will  back fire. But he may listen to parents who discuss the necessary steps he can realistically take.

It also does nto have to be college - but he needs to acquire some skill to fall back on to pay the bills and live on in case his plan does not work out.

Edited September 5, 2016 by regentrude

[KungFuPanda]

If it helps, my daughter wanted to go into film production when she was that age. She's in college now and not film school. She changed her mind on her own. We just had to wait her out. I wouldn't intervene too much unless he's still considering this as a senior.

[creekland]

So many kids don't have a solid idea about life at that age.  Quite honestly, very few do.

 

Our school has 9th graders research a job they think they would like.  They have to get all the info about it, from average salaries to education needed and all sorts of costs (insurance, licenses, etc).  They even interview people currently doing their job to get "real life" data.  This gives them a realistic idea of a path for that job.

 

In later years, they shadow someone (can be same job or different) to see if that job appeals to them.

 

Junior year they make a budget.  They can only use the average starting salary they get from their desired job.  They have to factor in college loans, rent, car costs including insurance, food, clothing, furniture, electric/gas bills, water bills, and anything else one regularly pays for.

 

That opens so many eyes... it's a very useful multiple year project IME.  It doesn't take long before dreams of corvettes pass and more realistic ones start to appear.

 

But in 9th or beginning 10th grade?  It's not there for most yet, much less those who aren't neurotypical.

[Pawz4me]

I don't think it's at all unusual for neurotypical tenth graders to not know what they want to do or to have an unrealistic idea of how they can support themselves post high school.  I suspect it's certainly not unusual for kids on the spectrum since even the high functioning ones tend to lag a year or more behind in social maturity.

 

I can only tell you about our own experience and POV. DS17 is in the process of being officially diagnosed (he will be -- both his psychiatrist and the psychologist have told us he is on the spectrum, it's just a matter of the psychologist analyzing all the testing details and finishing up the paper work). In addition to being on the spectrum it won't surprise me at all if he's also either highly or even profoundly gifted. So he's quite high functioning. But he's just now beginning to really solidify his college planning. We think he will eventually be able to achieve whatever he wants and live an independent life. But you know--he IS on the spectrum. So maybe he'll always need some level of support from us. We'd certainly never say never to whatever help he needs from us, whether he's 18 or 81 (not that we'll be around when he's 81, but you understand the point).

[JustEm]

that depends upon the area you live, and what is your COL. how many students - how much does rent/tulities for your facility cost. do you have enough students to hire additional instructors so you have multiple classes. etc. businesses take time to build, you don't have an established one overnight.

Well of course all those things are factors but there are factors involved in going to college, starting an entry level job of any kind, and advancing in a career in order to live sufficiently on your own. OP ds currently has a career path that she doesn't agree with but it doesn't mean it's not a legitimate career path. Dh has been supporting at least himself since he was 19 on an instructor's salary in an average COL area. So it isn't necessarily a terrible career path.

[Carrie12345]

He can live here after graduation. But, it is preferable that he is not still living here at 30 or 40.

 

Have you been paying attention to how many 20-somethings with degrees (even advanced degrees) are still living at home because their entry wages are so low?  I think you're grossly overestimating the initial worth.

 

The owner of my kids' dojo does very well.  I know this because I know how much I pay, how many students he has, what his rent is (I've looked into renting in the same strip,) and how many instructors he has.  And because he's pretty open about it!  He's doing much, much better than my master degreed sister, though both are following their passions.  

 

In my opinion and experience, you'd better bank on a passion-driven career for an Aspie or you very well may have a boomerang "child" in 20 years.  I'm trying to picture my 18yo Aspie (who still doesn't have definitive career plans, 2 years into college) in a Just For The Money job, and it's cracking me up.  He'd never survive that.

[Guest]

Well one thing I know *I* will never do is try to "make" a kid go to college against his or her desires. It is an utter waste of money and the time and effort of that kid. I've seen this scenario with a relative.

 

Also, I would recommend making son aware of real expenses through many conversations. If he has lived a "cushie" life with no awareness of what it takes to live, to have a car that operates (let alone looks cool), etc., now is the time to teach him. No need to be mean about it, just teach him.

[gardenmom5]

Have you been paying attention to how many 20-somethings with degrees (even advanced degrees) are still living at home because their entry wages are so low?  I think you're grossly overestimating the initial worth.

 

even a decent paying job . . .  depending upon the COL where you are.

 

dd moved home- saved money by not paying rent, and bought her own house.

 

 dsil and 2dd moved somewhere with a MUCH cheaper COL.  4hrs by plane.   because housing prices here are so high. 

[Guest]

Oh, and for the record, I had no clue what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I went to college a) because my parents made me and b) because what else?  and c) because I knew I would have better options with a degree than without one.  

 

I graduated college with a major and a minor and I still didn't know what I wanted to do.  Ended up teaching high school and loving it, for 5 years.  Then started my own business.  Hated it.  Went back for an MBA, got it.  STILL didn't have a passion or a dream job in mind.  Totally was blessed with a wonderful opportunity to use the MBA in a field I knew nothing about, and had a blast for 8 years.  Mommed the next 20.  And now...I still don't know what i want to be when I grow up.  

 

BUT I always paid my bills, on time; always was responsible for myself; I "launched" (as they call it now).  Did some weird jobs along the way, lived in some rather...odd...apartments.  

 

One of my college roommates knew from the time she was 10 she wanted to teach high school math, get married, have 5 kids named (insert 5 names) and travel the world.  And you know what?  That is exactly what has happened for her.  :0)  

 

And I guess we both are pretty happy.  We both have had struggles along the way, not necessarily the same kind, but neither way of life has been care-free or an unmitigated upward arc.  

 

I think some kids take a little bit more...fuel... to get them launched.  That's what you need to provide.  Not necessarily a kick in the rear or out of the house...but you really don't want your kid not to launch at some point.  With my son, we have had to de-feather the nest a little bit...but it has worked wonders.

 

 

[Caroline]

This is all going to depend on where you live. Maybe he will need a second job to live on until he gets established. No one said otherwise. But there are people who do live on being a karate instructor. I know some.

 

You can't live on being a karate instructor and you cannot possibly earn enough to open your own dojo unless you have a main source of income otherwise.

This is a "reasonable" plan only if you have some other credentials or skills to fall back on for finances and in case of career ending injury.

 

I am saying this as the mother of a son with similar plans.

[regentrude]

This is all going to depend on where you live. Maybe he will need a second job to live on until he gets established. No one said otherwise. But there are people who do live on being a karate instructor. I know some.

 

 

Awesome!

My DS is heavily involved in martial arts, and every single martial arts instructor we know has a full time day job. 

 

Low COL here does not help, since that usually means incomes are low, too, and people simply can't pay a lot for classes. But his sensei in the big city also can't live on his dojo.

[gardenmom5]

Awesome!

My DS is heavily involved in martial arts, and every single martial arts instructor we know has a full time day job.

 

Low COL here does not help, since that usually means incomes are low, too, and people simply can't pay a lot for classes. But his sensei in the big city also can't live on his dojo.

That may also depend upon population density. 2dd lives in a lower col area - but high population.

 

So, rural vs small city surrounded by rural vs major metro. (which doesn't equal expensive ).

[Audrey]

College isn't the be-all-end-all for success in life. It guarantees nothing, except maybe a lifetime of paying off student loans. If you son has other plans for a career path, maybe it would help him more to explore the possibilities and realities of that instead of pushing him in the direction of your choosing. People generally encounter more success when they are invested in paths of their own choosing.

[Wheres Toto]

Where my kids take Tai Kwan Do, the owners don't have second FT jobs, but the owners are also MMA fighters.  They offer a ton of classes in TKD, jujitsu, kickboxing/fitness, etc.  and have a lot of students.  HCOL area but high population density with martial arts being very popular.

[amy g.]

I'll preface by saying that I'm the opposite in that nothing would make me happier than to have my children and their spouses and children live with me forever. However they rebel by being fiercely independent.

 

I do not believe it is reasonable to expect 15 year olds to know what they want to do with their lives. Some do know, but I really think they are the minority.

 

With my kids, I followed their interest and talent buy repeated that I expected them to change their focus, so our investment didn't mean they had to be locked into always pursuing what they were passionate about as teenagers. Rather, we supported those passions as a way for them to learn life skills and discover new things to be interested in.

 

My child on the spectrum was adamant, at your son's age that she did not want to go to college. I helped her start a corporation centered around her interests, so she would have a non college path going forward. I also insisted she take one community college class. She really did not want to.

 

That one class lead to another and then to a honors scholarship and then to a 2 year degree and then to a transfer to our state flagship. She is already looking into graduate schools.

 

I think your son may just be a late bloomer. We found our local CC a great place for kids to catch up in maturity.

 

With that said, I don't that I would have pushed her to start school if she had to take out loans to do so. I would hate to have her graduate with debt and the possibility of not being able to repay it.

 

I guess there are just no easy answers in parenting, are there?

[LucyStoner]

A neurotypical 9th/10th grader might not have the most fleshed out/concrete plan for transitioning into their adult life. A lot of changes take place between 15 and 18. The idea that he should have this stuff all figured out is rather silly even leaving aside the fact that he has an ASD.

 

There are other options after high school besides college or low wage job. He could do a service year with Americorps. He could join Job Corps for job training (thinking of learning a well paid day job while he gets his MA teaching going).

 

I think the worst place to be for a young adult who doesn't want to go to college is college. Not going to college right out of high school doesn't preclude school later on. Nor does going to college right out of high school ensure success. I know plenty of college dropouts with little to show for their time in college besides student loan debt. Waiting until he WANTS to go (if ever) will potentially save a lot of stress. And money.

Edited September 5, 2016 by LucyStoner

[G5052]

Mine didn't have a clue until very close to his 12th grade graduation. He nearly made National Merit and had stellar SAT's and APs.

 

We did interest surveys, shadowed various friends in different fields, and talked about it, but I didn't push.

 

He also wanted to go to the CC instead of one of the public Ivies he got into because he wanted to explore. He definitely had the capability to start college then and was willing to work hard and see where it would go. And that worked. He has a major and is thrilled with it.

 

I work full-time, and the majority of my work is in a field I didn't study at all in college. What is related to what I did study, didn't exist when I finished graduate school. Not at all. DH also works in an entirely different field than he trained for and is in an area didn't exist 10 years ago. 

 

Certainly you can guide and encourage, but IMHO they have to "own" it.

Edited September 5, 2016 by G5052

[G5052]

 

My DS is heavily involved in martial arts, and every single martial arts instructor we know has a full time day job. 

 

 

Same here. My oldest has his black belt and the highest international credential in Aikido, and everyone we've ever met had a day job other than the national head of his branch of that martial art and one sensei who is retired.

[Guest]

You can't live on being a karate instructor and you cannot possibly earn enough to open your own dojo unless you have a main source of income otherwise.

This is a "reasonable" plan only if you have some other credentials or skills to fall back on for finances and in case of career ending injury.

 

I am saying this as the mother of a son with similar plans.

I agree on the day job - but there are plenty of good day jobs that don't require college, or very little. Of the martial arts instructors I know one works construction and is working toward becoming an electrician and the other was a nurse in the Airforce before he became a general contractor in retirement. Neither wanted to spend the time to open their own full schools but instead teach classes at local facilities, but it would be entirely possible. Both have children and wives who don't work, and have made a nice living for themselves.

 

I agree entirely a day job is needed, but I'd really push someone toward something like a welding certification (invaluable up here, there are never enough skilled, active cert welders) or other training based jobs if they didn't like academics. There is no reason both cannot be done, and at some point the day job could even be stopped if they were frugal, saved well, and their school had a good body of students.

 

Going straight into it after high school is unlikely though, only because it would benefit him to apprentice under someone else for awhile before trying to open his own dojo, all belts aside!

Edited September 5, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Ausmumof3]

My sons martial arts guy works as some kind of student counsellor during the day. You can tell because he is absolutely awesome at dealing with the kids and any issues that come up respectfully firmly but with a bit of fun so a day job can definitely help with the skills for the dojo.

 

I know it's fairly typical for many kids to be uncertain but also I know a lot of ASD adults who have ended up living at home long term. If you want him to live independently you might need to do more planning to help get him started. I wouldn't necessarily push college but spending some time outlining you phase out plan for paying for stuff could be helpful. It would probably also be helpful if he could try to get into a bit of part time work? Does his dojo ever let the kids help out with instruction and stuff? Could he work as some kind of sports coach or lifeguard for the experience of getting kids to do and learn stuff? I think rather than discouraging the dojo thing it would be helpful to make plans that will help him toward achieving it and will supply some life skills along the way to fall back on if it doesn't work out.

[MomatHWTK]

IMO and experience, a child with ASD is going to be behind from a maturity standpoint. My child does not want to go to college. I am not pressuring him to do so. I am providing him with high school classes and waiting. He's not going to be on the traditional college track or the traditional student time frame. If your child knows something he wants to do, encourage it! Don't turn it into a negative by tieing other expectations and requirements to it. You'll end up killing whatever ambition he might have. 

 

There are plenty of options to get a college education and degree now. Not everyone is going to be ready to go at 18. Particularly for and ASD, you can't convince them to be ready for the next step just because you think they should be. 

 

ETA: Whether our children live with us the rest of their lives isn't always a choice. I guess it is. If your child cannot support himself and you feel your job is done you can legally put him on the street. My SN sister has lived with or near my parents all her life. She receives social security disability and on occasion qualifies for subsidized housing. But yes, someone in her family or in social services will have to provide some structure for her for her entire life. That's what special needs trusts and planning are for. 

 

The idea that you are going to take a child with known, diagnosed limitations and just launch them like any other child is ridiculous. You should be reading every book on the topic, learning about adult transition services and talking with your child's health care professionals about his status. If you don't want him living with you, then you need to start finding out how SN children transition into adulthood, not putting the onus on your child to overcome his limitations so you don't have to worry.

 

It is possible he will bloom late and find his way, but he may not. You don't have those limitations and you and your DH both have college degrees? Find a way to provide for the child you've brought into the world. 

 

 

Edited September 5, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[Rebel Yell]

I do want to add that I agree it IS common for many martial arts instructors to have day jobs, and many dance teachers as well. However, many of the dojos and dance schools have the potential to be more financially successful without gouging or ripping off students, if they had better business skills. The most successful dance studio owner I know on person outgrew her studio space twice in three years. She does have an extra job while she plows through student loans, but with no loans she could support herself and staff at the dance school. BUT she also has a business degree, and that has helped tremendously.

 

Editing to add, my point being that even a few business courses can help boost success.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Rebel Yell

[StephanieZ]

He can live here after graduation. But, it is preferable that he is not still living here at 30 or 40.

 

LOL. This makes great sense. :)

 

Others have given great advice specific to ASD, and I don't know much of anything about that, so I'll stick to the basics. ;)

 

Unless there is some financial reason he needs to go to college right away, then I think not pushing is definitely better for any kid. My )eldest two so far) kiddos have each had very strong financial incentives to go to college immediately after graduating high school because they are eligible for some very specific (HUGE) scholarships that require enrollment immediately after graduation from high school. I have mixed feelings about that incentive, because I do believe that for many kids, a gap year -- just working or doing other constructive things to "find themselves" and more over find some motivation . . . can be very beneficial. So, unless there are similar huge financial or other reasons why he must go to college right after graduation, your son's situation seems perfect for an unstructured gap year. 

 

Just make it clear to him, starting at least 2 years ahead of time, that upon high school graduation, he's an adult, and he's responsible for his bills, etc. Between now and then, ease him towards seeing the real costs of his activities/gas/driving/etc. For instance, this summer, we transitioned our two drivers from the "mom and dad keep the tank full no matter how much you drive" to "mom and dad give you $x/wk +/- $y/per task we assign. . . and you, teen driver, are responsible for keeping your tank full." This helped my teens begin to understand the costs of deciding to drive an extra 30 miles a day because they just feel like a Walmart run to get chocolate chips, etc. Of course, they don't understand the full costs yet since we provide insurance/vehicle/maintenance, but it's a start, and it definitely helped reduce their urge to driver everywhere all day long, lol. Similarly, my mom gave my brother and I large allowances beginning in early teen years. These covered our social lives, our clothes, hair/makeup/shoes, etc. I had an expensive hobby -- had a horse -- and Mom gave me a separate monthly allowance to cover that, too. I even wrote the monthly board checks, etc. Those sorts of habits can really help them learn to manage their money and begin to see it as "their expenses" and not just stuff that magically appears. Our college girl had a very loose budget first year, as she was adjusting to college and living in dorms with a meal plan . . . This year, I moved her to a more formal and much larger budget that covers pretty much everything. So, if she is frugal on gas or on shopping, then she has more flexibility to spend more on a road trip, etc. In your shoes, I'd move towards that a year or so ahead of graduation. Give him $x/mo to cover his hobbies, clothes, shoes, etc . . . And he will understand that upon graduation, he has to come up with that $x to keep doing all that stuff. 

 

I'd envision him graduating and getting some crappy day job to support himself while teaching karate. That might go in the direction he hopes, or it might motivate him to get some other education or training to be able to better afford the life he's been used to. I'd definitely insist he work some summers between now and then. In my family growing up, we were pretty spoiled during the school year with those cushy allowances, but all $ stopped during summers. I worked FT every summer starting when I was 14; so did my brother. Not every community has easy jobs available for young teens, but most places you can scrounge up something if you are determined, certainly by age 16. 

 

Those working experiences might help him realize, on his own, that $8/hr doesn't go very far, and that he'd really rather get some training or education to earn more. 

 

Alternatives, such as vocational training (electrician/plumber/mechanic/etc) could be a faster track to a decent living wage to support himself. You might want to start exploring those options. In 1-2 years doing something like that, he could likely get a decent job.