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my MIL is killing me...JAWM

SparklyUnicorn

By SparklyUnicorn,
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SparklyUnicorn

SparklyUnicorn

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She insists on planning the details of the trip down to how many times per minute I'd like to inhale and exhale.  Today she has e-mailed several times to ask the weirdest questions.  Such as...Do I want to look at catalogs when I'm there?  If she rents a violin will I play it for her?  WTH

 

**cry**

 

My BIL too.  Do we want breakfast at the hotel when we visit him or should he make us breakfast?  I said we will eat at the hotel because I know he isn't a morning person and that's less work for him.  After going back and forth 100,000 times he is going to make us breakfast because he insists.  Why ask then?

 

I'm already on edge over this.

 

 

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MEmama

MEmama

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Ugh.

 

As bad it sounds, though, I'd rather deal with a planner than the MIL who refuses to make plans and then interjects at the last possible moment--while dinner is cooking, for example--with her own needs, which simply must be accommodated ASAP, regardless of the inconvenience it causes everyone around her.

 

I've already promised DS we will continue to be normal, rational people when we visit him.

 

Sorry the whole trip is so stressful on you. :(

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marbel

marbel

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Sounds intense. 

 

I'm not sure if it's better or worse than my MIL situation.  She'll talk about things we can do, but we never actually go do anything.  We just sit around their house talking about things we could do, if we ever just got up and did them.  There is always meal prep, eating the meal, and then cleanup getting in the way. 

 

In any case, hope you manage to have a good time.  Can we look forward to occasional commentary from you while on the trip?  Selfish question, I know.

Edited by marbel
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SparklyUnicorn

SparklyUnicorn

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So, are you going to play violin for her? That's kind of a sweet request (assuming you play, that is!) Look at catalogs though?! For what?!

 

I hope you can have a nice visit anyway & not too crazy. 

 

No I don't want to play for her.  I don't really play for anyone.

 

The catalog thing does sort of have a reason.  Years ago when I would visit before we were married they'd all sit at the table in the morning and read newspapers and I'd just be sitting there staring into space until one day she just handed me a catalog.  So that was the thing.  I looked at catalogs.

 

Things are much different now though.  My FIL passed away.  His brother lives far away.  My husband might like to read a newspaper, but it would just be him.  And my kids are old enough now where I'd have people to talk to.  It's kinda sweet I suppose.  It's just all these little constant do I want that and do I want this added up.  It's kinda stressing me out. 

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SparklyUnicorn

SparklyUnicorn

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I'd wish a sudden violent stomach bug upon you so you'd have to cancel, but 1. I don't want you to suffer just as much by NOT going as you would by actually going, and 2. I want to hear stories when you get back!

 

😂ðŸ¿ðŸ™„

 

Oh gawd I hope not!

 

This time I did buy insurance for the trip though.  I have never done that.

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Okra

Okra

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Deep breath…..everything is going to be okay.  You hit the nail on the head, she's trying to be thoughtful.  Just keep repeating that to yourself.  If the irksome things she does is coming from a place where she is trying to be nice sometimes it is easier to deal with.

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MerryAtHope

MerryAtHope

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 It's just all these little constant do I want that and do I want this added up.  It's kinda stressing me out. 

 

Totally get that--too many little decisions to make (and not important ones or plan-altering ones like visiting historical sites or something)! I like to just "go" and "relax" and not have time all planned out. 

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Emmalm

Emmalm

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Oh my! She probably just really wants to make sure you have a good time, and wants to have a good relationship with you. It is hard when they don't realize that what they are doing makes it harder! Can you make things into, I don't know, crazy word problems for your kids or something? Like, "If I play the violin for 37 minutes and then eat 10 m&m's, how many catalogues can we look at before bedtime?" I bet there is some laughter to be had!

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momacacia

momacacia

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Oh my goodness, and now she thinks you're all into catalogs! Sheesh! That is a lot to work with.

 

This reminds me of going to my paternal grandfather's house and we'd all end up looking at his magazines and coffee table books while he watched wild westerns on TV. Thankfully they've since invented smartphones.

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regentrude

regentrude

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Yeah it's like we are celebrities or something.  LOL

 

If my adult kid came home from overseas after years, you bet I would roll out the red carpet and give them the full VIP treatment.

 

Heck, I'd like to do that when my kid comes home from college and I have not seen her for several months.

 

It may be annoying, but I get where she's coming from.

ETA: And I am sure I would bend over backwards to make sure my kid's partner/spouse would have a good time, whatever that may entail.

Edited by regentrude
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TKDmom

TKDmom

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My dad and his wife are coming in a few days, and step-mom is doing the same to me.

"What time do you want us there Sunday morning?"

"Should I make you breakfast? Or would you like us to take you out?"

"Can I make you some meals for the freezer? I'll bring my family cookbook. What would you like?"

"I hope you don't mind...I mailed a package to your house for myself."

 

I think it's anxiety. They've only been married 5 or 6 years, and we don't know each other well. But, dang, she's spiking my own anxiety. I'm hosting! it's ok. I will plan and cook meals. Maybe. Just show up, and we'll figure something out!

 

IDK, maybe I'm not being a good hostess, because I'm not taking all these little details into consideration?

 

eta: once my MIL and FIL came and I forgot to give them any top sheets or blankets. And I was super-stressed about other events. So I probably am a terrible hostess! :lol:

 

Edited by TKDmom
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LucyStoner

LucyStoner

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Your MIL is a special kind of intense Wendy. You deserve all the wife points in the world for dealing with these trips. I hope things go well. And that your husband adequately appreciates you. I would have boycotted long ago. :P

Edited by LucyStoner
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Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

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Ugh.

 

As bad it sounds, though, I'd rather deal with a planner than the MIL who refuses to make plans and then interjects at the last possible moment--while dinner is cooking, for example--with her own needs, which simply must be accommodated ASAP, regardless of the inconvenience it causes everyone around her.

 

I've already promised DS we will continue to be normal, rational people when we visit him.

 

Sorry the whole trip is so stressful on you. :(

 

Not my in-laws, but a different relation is just like this. 

 

Hate it. 

 

Really, really hate it.

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Suzanne in ABQ

Suzanne in ABQ

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Yeah it's like we are celebrities or something.  LOL

 

 

I must say, you ARE a celebrity in my house!  Well, at least your bacon is.  When my dh walks by and sees one of your posts, he always says, "Bacon!"

 

When my 11yodd walks by, she shouts, "Bacon!" and starts jumping from foot to foot, waiving her arms around, trying to BE the bacon!  

 

We just love you.   :lol:

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GoodGrief

GoodGrief

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Posted (edited)

I signed in just to say that I CRACKED UP at the catalog explanation!! :-D

 

Some people are not great natural hosts, and it leads to them getting weird about the details. Both my mother in law and my dad's wife (to a lesser extent) are like that, and I HATE it, because it makes me feel like I am under constant scrutiny. Also, the truth is that (for my MIL, anyway), they really don't want to meet your every need. It's really more about them getting praise and reassurance that they are hosting well. So it's kind of high maintenance and annoying. I could see my MIL doing the violin rental thing, then crowing to her friends about how she went out of her way to rent a violin for me because I love to play so very much. Which may sound cynical, but I came to realize it is an accurate assessment of her hosting style.

 

My MIL got it in her head that I was cheesecake-obsessed after I ate it once in their presence. She would make a point of bringing me cheesecakes (making an over-the-top presentation each time), so I did end up eating it quite a bit in front of them, because they kept bringing it!  I heard her tell my young daughter that cheesecake was "Mommy's VERY favorite food", LOL!!

Edited by Gr8lander
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Melissa in Australia

Melissa in Australia

Posted
Posted

So wish my MIL would have  made a fuss about me....... instead when I visited her FIL took me strawberry picking and he ended up getting into a huge fight with MIL because she had partly funded the ticket so I had become her property and should have just stayed sitting by her side for the whole 3 weeks.

 

 

yes that is a run on sentence

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Allearia

Allearia

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LOL about the catalogs. That's actually one of the things I do when I go to my moms house, she gets all these catalogs with random bizarre things. But I would be very surprised if she gathered them throughout the year and saved them as a special treat for my visit.

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Hen

Hen

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Gr8lander,

 

your cheesecake story reminded me of one of the Anne books....she was a teacher in a town and once, when invited to dinner, she praised the pumpkin preserves.  It got out that it was her "favorite" and then, at every dinner she was invited to, they served her pumpkin preserves and made a big deal about it.  Even at a house where she thought she'd get relief because the mom couldn't cook it, there was some that a neighbor lent her.  They also sent her home with jars of it. Anne and the housekeeper buried the jars in the night. :laugh:

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SparklyUnicorn

SparklyUnicorn

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I signed in just to say that I CRACKED UP at the catalog explanation!! :-D

 

Some people are not great natural hosts, and it leads to them getting weird about the details. Both my mother in law and my dad's wife (to a lesser extent) are like that, and I HATE it, because it makes me feel like I am under constant scrutiny. Also, the truth is that (for my MIL, anyway), they really don't want to meet your every need. It's really more about them getting praise and reassurance that they are hosting well. So it's kind of high maintenance and annoying. I could see my MIL doing the violin rental thing, then crowing to her friends about how she went out of her way to rent a violin for me because I love to play so very much. Which may sound cynical, but I came to realize it is an accurate assessment of her hosting style.

 

My MIL got it in her head that I was cheesecake-obsessed after I ate it once in their presence. She would make a point of bringing me cheesecakes (making an over-the-top presentation each time), so I did end up eating it quite a bit in front of them, because they kept bringing it!  I heard her tell my young daughter that cheesecake was "Mommy's VERY favorite food", LOL!!

 

This happened to me with salmon.  She somehow got in her mind that I love salmon and even made it for my birthday.  I don't really even like salmon.  I'll eat it, but I won't pick it if I have a choice.

 

That and various types of wine which I only drank because she poured them without asking if I actually wanted it.  One needs to drink to get through any encounter with her so I drank it.  Then she started shipping these wines to me, and I don't really like wine!  LOL 

 

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marbel

marbel

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<snip>

 

 

My MIL got it in her head that I was cheesecake-obsessed after I ate it once in their presence. She would make a point of bringing me cheesecakes (making an over-the-top presentation each time), so I did end up eating it quite a bit in front of them, because they kept bringing it!  I heard her tell my young daughter that cheesecake was "Mommy's VERY favorite food", LOL!!

 

Oh my goodness. 

 

I first met my (future) in-laws at Christmas.  One of the foods on the Christmas dinner table was pickled peaches.  I'd never had those before, so I tried them, and liked them.  I mean, they were OK.  So then every meal for YEARS included pickled peaches "because Margaret likes them so much."  I grew to hate them. But then we visited while I was pregnant (with the first grandchild!), and could legitimately say "oh, sorry, but pickled peaches are not appetizing right now."   They disappeared from my life forever at that point.

 

Hosting my in-laws is hard.  My MIL works so hard at not being any trouble  that she is so much trouble.  Coffee or tea?  "Whichever is easier." They are equally easy.  "Oh, well, whatever you are having."  I'm having tea and your son is having coffee. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE? 

 

Really, please express a preference if you are offered a choice.  Why is that so hard.

 

OK, I can't resist one more:  the onion incident.

 

We were grilling something and she commented that sometimes she would grill an onion.  Oh, I said, we do that all the time, why didn't I think of it!?  So I got out an onion to slice and put on the grill.   She about had a fit.  "I didn't mean you needed to make an onion!  I was just saying what we do sometimes!  Don't go to the trouble to make an onion!"   At that point my husband walked in, saw the onion, and said, "oh good, I was thinking we need an onion."  I still had to reassure her that grilled onions were a thing in my house and I was not reacting to a perceived demand for onion.

 

After all that, I am pretty sure she didn't eat any of the damn onion. 

Edited by marbel
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Valley Girl

Valley Girl

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If I remember from previous posts, your relationship with your MIL is difficult to say the least. Reading this new post, though, I started to wonder if maybe she's looking for YOUR approval? In any case, I hope the trip doesn't turn out to be so stressful for you. It stinks to spend the time and money to travel only to end up dreading the whole thing.

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SparklyUnicorn

SparklyUnicorn

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If I remember from previous posts, your relationship with your MIL is difficult to say the least. Reading this new post, though, I started to wonder if maybe she's looking for YOUR approval? In any case, I hope the trip doesn't turn out to be so stressful for you. It stinks to spend the time and money to travel only to end up dreading the whole thing.

 

I doubt she is looking for my approval.  She comes across as someone who thinks she is pretty superior.  I'm trying to be positive and assume she is just excited we are coming, but what I really believe is she thinks she is superior and that's just her being her superior self.

 

But interestingly, my husband told me that she said to him she knows she is a PITA and has made arrangements so that nobody will end up taking care of her in old age because she knows she is impossible to please.  So that's pretty big of her I think.

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SparklyUnicorn

SparklyUnicorn

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Just to give you an idea, she often gets herself into trouble by overstepping.  Even legally overstepping.  A house is for sale and she just wants to look inside?  She picks the lock and goes inside thinking it's not a big deal because she just wants to see it.

 

Someone once was pointing while talking to her so she bit his finger. 

 

Last time she visited she went through my closets, cupboards, and fridge and rearranged them.  What was especially stupid about that was we were moving within that month.  When my husband told her to knock it off she locked herself in our bedroom for 2 days.

 

I don't think I'm imagining that she is a little bit "special".

 

 

Edited by SparklyUnicorn
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Mimm

Mimm

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Yikes, that would drive me nuts. I'm a very play it by ear person. I mean yeah, I have some vacation days that involve, "Hey, lets go here and hit up that museum and see a movie, then we'll grab Mexican food for dinner." But other days the plan is, "Let's just hang around the house and bbq for dinner." I like do-nothing time in my vacation.

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zoobie

zoobie

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Posted

Just to give you an idea, she often gets herself into trouble by overstepping.  Even legally overstepping.  A house is for sale and she just wants to look inside?  She picks the lock and goes inside thinking it's not a big deal because she just wants to see it.

 

Someone once was pointing while talking to her so she bit his finger. 

 

Last time she visited she went through my closets, cupboards, and fridge and rearranged them.  What was especially stupid about that was we were moving within that month.  When my husband told her to knock it off she locked herself in our bedroom for 2 days.

 

I don't think I'm imagining that she is a little bit "special".

 

Wow. Maybe she needs her crap rearranged while you're visiting? You know, if you get bored and run out of catalogs. ;)

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Seasider

Seasider

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I signed in just to say that I CRACKED UP at the catalog explanation!! :-D

 

Some people are not great natural hosts, and it leads to them getting weird about the details. Both my mother in law and my dad's wife (to a lesser extent) are like that, and I HATE it, because it makes me feel like I am under constant scrutiny. Also, the truth is that (for my MIL, anyway), they really don't want to meet your every need. It's really more about them getting praise and reassurance that they are hosting well. So it's kind of high maintenance and annoying. I could see my MIL doing the violin rental thing, then crowing to her friends about how she went out of her way to rent a violin for me because I love to play so very much. Which may sound cynical, but I came to realize it is an accurate assessment of her hosting style.

 

My MIL got it in her head that I was cheesecake-obsessed after I ate it once in their presence. She would make a point of bringing me cheesecakes (making an over-the-top presentation each time), so I did end up eating it quite a bit in front of them, because they kept bringing it! I heard her tell my young daughter that cheesecake was "Mommy's VERY favorite food", LOL!!

Well count your blessings it's cheesecake and not... sardines?

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