Does this bother you, re:gift giving

[gingersmom]

I'm super stressed so instead of eating I am planning birthday/holiday gifts for the future.

 

My issue-

 

My darling 19 year old daughter (soon to be 20) asks for things and then doesn't use them.

 

Example: Fitbit she never even set up, Keurig she used once (insists her and roommates will use next year), fujimax instant camera sitting in box in her closet.

 

Grrrr. I have expressed to her on more than one occasion how this makes me feel.

 

I have even threatened to boycott gift giving. She freaked and set I'm setting up the Fitbit, I promise.

 

So I find myself looking at gifts that cost $5 or $10. But I'll still be annoyed if she doesn't use them.

 

Am I overreacting? Would this bother you?

[Guest]

There is a very high likelihood I would give her an Amazon gift card. That way, it is a teensy bit less painful if she doesn't use the thing she got.

 

Yes, it would bother me if it kept happening.

 

My MIL gave a cash sum to every kid amd grandkid for gift-giving. Always the same thing. I actually am kinda gravitating towards this as my older kids grow up, though I still like to give some little nice things I picked out. When DD turned 19, I was unable to visit her at college; I had planned to give her cash, plus a care package. So, a few weeks after her birthday, I asked her if it would be weird or anti-climatic if I just moved the money into her bank account digitally, instead of giving her cash. She didn't mind. It felt sort of weird, but it is actually more useful to her this way because she uses her debit card for most things.

[ashfern]

I agree with Quill. Get her a gift card to Amazon or a restaurant that she eats at regularly.

[snickerplum]

I might take to giving her cash. You know she'll use it, even though it's not as fun to give IMO. I suppose gift cards to a favorite store or restaurant would be good, too.

I understand if you gave her things she didn't want or need and not use them, but I agree it's odd to not use things she specifically asked for. Multiple times.

Has she always done this or is it new?

[displace]

I agree with gift cards. She may be at a stage where she wants something but doesn't need it and won't use it but she doesn't recognize that yet. It took me well into adulthood before I could analyze and know myself well enough to know if I'd use something and be fairly accurate. Plus those examples of gifts are expensive!

[TammyS]

I agree with cash.  I know it doesn't feel nice to us, but I remember when I was that young and broke how even a small cash gift felt awesome, because it gave me some breathing room.

[gingersmom]

 

Has she always done this or is it new?

It's gotten worse (and more expensive/wasteful) as she has gotten older.

[gingersmom]

Plus those examples of gifts are expensive!

I have threatened to rewrap them and regift them to her.

[gingersmom]

I agree with Quill. Get her a gift card to Amazon or a restaurant that she eats at regularly.

Her Uncle gives her an Amazon gift card every year. She still hasn't used last years.

 

I did give her a Francesca's gift card that she actually used.

[maize]

Am I the only one who buys things myself and never uses them?

 

If she is appreciative upon receiving the gift, I think you need to let it go. What she does with it is none of your business.

 

But by all means if gift cards make you feel better give those :)

[zoobie]

Cash or gift card.

 

The still in box would drive me nuts too because she asked for them. It's not worth making a thing over it though. Either reduce the amount, give cash, or give stuff you know she uses (hair, makeup).

[Tanaqui]

Give her cash, or give her a donation to charity in her name.

 

My mother does the same thing. We've started taking her out for her birthday instead of buying her anything tangible, because it's so upsetting to see that she never uses what we carefully picked out. So that's another option.

[Arcadia]

It would bother me.  My relatives give me cash or ask me what I want if they are in the mood to find my very particular item.  My parents have always asked me what I want and they would be annoyed if I didn't enjoy a gift I ask for. If I had asked for a coffee maker, I would give color and sku/model number so no errors there.  My parents would ask me what my kids want and if my kids are uncertain during the shopping trip, my parents give them cash to get later. They had asked toys that get regular play but aren't their favorites which is fine.

 

I would give a grocery gift card if you are worried about wasted gifts. She has to eat after all.   I would give an amazon gift card if you think she might want to get something herself later and you are okay with her buying stuff she might not use.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

Once it's hers, it doesn't really matter if she uses it.

 

But I know I might consider giving less expensive gifts in the future since they aren't being used.

[Annie G]

My youngest dd is exactly like that. She doesn't want gift cards- she wants the gift she requested. In her defense, when the kids were little I asked them what they wanted for birthday and Christmas because I was too tired to try to think of special gifts and would rather just get them what they wanted. So our tradition means it's perfectly ok to request a certain gift. 

 

But she often doesn't use the item. As in, never. Sometimes it sits in original packaging, meaning that she doesn't even bother to open it.

 

Yes, it bothers me. But it's her gift and if she wants something and then never uses it, well...that's her choice.  I guess it's not really different than asking for a gift and then exchanging it or giving it away a year later. 

 

Giving a gift card just isn't a solution for this kid, and I understand how some of you are shaking your heads at that.  But trust me. 

 

Having said that, this year all of the kids transitioned to getting money for their birthdays so I only have to deal with this at Christmas now.  And pretty soon that won't even be an issue- when our kids are out on their own, they get checks for Christmas. 

 

OP, I feel your pain. 

[vonbon]

You're probably not going to like my response...

 

I think once you give a gift, it's gone.  That's what defines a gift, vs. something that's attached to expectations or a pay back (emotional or whatever.)  

 

You are attaching an expectation to what she does with the gift and perhaps it's building resentment?  When I feel resentment, I know it's a signal that it's time to change something in the relationship or make new boundaries.  

 

Who ever said parents have to get what children ask for?  That was a new concept to me when I married into DH's family (they did typed-up Christmas wish lists and all.)  In a way, it's nice because the gift doesn't go to waste.  [Editing to say: Supposedly it's not ***supposed*** to go to waste!  LOL]  So I get it.  

 

My parents have never asked us children what we've wanted.  It was their prerogative to give what they wanted to give.  Many of those gifts have gone unused--  LOL!  (I realize this is the opposite of what you've written, OP.)  

 

You can: 

- Stop buying expensive gifts for her if the dollar amount bothers you when they're not used.

- Divorce yourself from your expectations regarding use.  Let her let it sit on the shelf, unused, and be OK with that.

- Give her what you want to give vs. what she asks for.  You still have to let go.

 

I would suggest making something for her instead of buying, but, with artistic gifts, I find that it's even harder to divorce myself from my creative "babies" (gifts) than from store-bought things.  Someone in my life asked for a print of a painting I did.  I love her and would give it, but she is the type to put it in a garage sale or thrift store a few years later when her whim changes.  I couldn't truly let it go without the expectation that she'd keep it, so I've never given her a copy.  

 

You've already expressed your dismay, so...Looks like you get to be the one to change.  (Said with humor/warmth.)

Edited May 20, 2016 by vonbon

[gingersmom]

Give her cash, or give her a donation to charity in her name.

 

My mother does the same thing. We've started taking her out for her birthday instead of buying her anything tangible, because it's so upsetting to see that she never uses what we carefully picked out. So that's another option.

I was just thinking of a charity donation. She would really like that.

 

Talking about your mother just reminded me of my grandmother. I was visiting her with my mother and she gives me this beautiful and obviously expensive bracelet. I go to show to my mother who exclaims she gave that to my grandmother within the last year.

 

My grandmother insisted I keep it :)

 

I think my daughter is channeling her great grandmother. I can just see her regifting my presents.

[HS Mom in NC]

Has she been sent the message that asking for cash isn't acceptable, so she has to name something for you to buy or if she doesn't you'll be upset?  Does she even want gifts?  Some people just aren't into stuff.  If they have people insisting on buying them them things, including expensive things, they're stuck between a rock and a hard place.  If they say, "No, there isn't anything I really want or need, so don't buy me anything" they're often scolded or at least argued with, so what else can they do?

Giving cash usually works for every situation.  It doesn't have an expiration date, you can redeem it for goods and services just about anywhere and it can be saved for later at a time in your life when you do know what you want or when what you want isn't in the price range of a typical gift, but lucky you, you've been stashing it away all along and it's added up.

 

I agree that once you give a gift it's no longer your concern.

[Kerileanne99]

What I would do:

Give her those reload able Visa cards and find a good location to keep them if they go unspent...and then congratulate myself ifor discovering a lovely, sneaky way to save for college! Those cards might just come in handy when she needs books, last minute whatevers:)

Edited May 20, 2016 by Kerileanne99

[elinnea]

Once it's hers, it doesn't really matter if she uses it.

 

But I know I might consider giving less expensive gifts in the future since they aren't being used.

 

 

Exactly this.  

[gardenmom5]

simplify.  maybe she doens't actually know what she wants.  give a gift card to amazon. (or a visa gift card.) then it is HER problem, and dont' take it personally. 

[Tita Gidge]

I don't think it's over-reacting to be frustrated / irritated by this. But I agree with those who said once you've given a gift, you have to let go of expectations. This is something I've had to learn to do, myself. It's taken a decade, LOL. I'm still working on it!

 

In your situation I see two options:

 

1. Continue to give the requested gifts, without expectation; or,

2. Change the type of gift you're giving her.

 

I get a lot of gift cards, but I rarely use them. I have gift cards that expire all the time, unless I remember to re-gift them to someone. I don't keep up with which gift cards I have, and I never have them on hand when I'm at the store in question, and I never remember to bring them anyhow. This is true of places I frequent (grocery, gas).  So I probably wouldn't get her a gift card either. I get burned on Visa gift cards often because they expire. I've lost hundreds this way, which is no better than the situation you're in now.

 

In your shoes I'd probably give something consumable. Instead of a grocery gift card, a basket of something. If she has a best friend or a boyfriend, send a restaurant gift card to THEM with instructions to treat her to dinner and a movie. Instead of an amazon gift card, make a "donation" to her car payment, electric bill, etc. - this frees up her own cash if she really wants a Fitbit/etc. You can pay them directly most times.  There's always cash, too.

[Sherry in OH]

Is there an event or show coming to your area that she would love attending?  Ask her to reserve that date on her calendar for a mother-daughter day out.  

[TammyS]

Give her cash, or give her a donation to charity in her name.

 

My mother does the same thing. We've started taking her out for her birthday instead of buying her anything tangible, because it's so upsetting to see that she never uses what we carefully picked out. So that's another option.

 

I like this idea, and I think you could apply it to any "experience" you want to make the gift more, or less, lavish as is appropriate at the time.  Dinner, concert, sporting event, skiing, tubing, etc.  You could take her and do it with her, or pay for her and a friend(s).

[Bluegoat]

If I had to guess she thinks she will really use these things, and hasn't realized that a lot of gimmicky things sound cool but aren't actually that useful, or don't end up fitting into your habits and lifestyle.  With the Fitbit - I mean, how many people buy themselves gym memberships and never even go, or only go for a month.  Good intentions and all.

 

That being said, if I were her mom I wouldn't really like spending good money on stuff that won't get used, and I'd probably tell her all this straight out.  There are some good ideas above, I might go with gift cards for something I know she does.  If she likes clothes, say, I'd get one for a shop she likes.  Or a hair salon, cell phone card, whatever.  What does she spend her personal money on now? 

[ktgrok]

Honestly, don't ask me the last time I used my grain mill or bread machine, lol. I do love my kuerig though!

 

I'd try to find the humor in it. Everyone has weird quirks. This is hers. Heck, I'd be tempted to smuggle the unopened presents out of her room and stick bows on them and put them under the tree or something, as a practical joke. (and still get her a regular gift). 

 

I might also sit down and if the gift wasn't opened a month or so later, say something like "hey, I see you're having second thoughts about ______, I've got the receipt, why don't we go return it and you can get something more useful to you?"

 

(also...anyone know where my fitbit is? This thread reminded me I haven't worn it in a week and have no idea where I put it!)

[SparklyUnicorn]

One of my kids does this all the time.  He's much younger, but yes he'll beg for a certain thing and not stop talking about it.  So I get it and then he quickly loses interest.  I try not to take it personally because really it probably isn't at all personal.

 

Re: the Keurig, does she have a filter thing to use regular coffee in?  I wonder if she'd use it more if she did.  The little coffee things are SO expensive. 

[HomeAgain]

I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

Very rarely do I give my kids what they ask for.  Need, would get use out of, would enjoy, yes.  But I think the last time we got a specific gift was a Nintendo DS 10 years ago.  It was promptly left at the park and stolen.  Which developed the policy in our house of buying anything once, replacements only if outgrown/worn out. :laugh:

 

Look for something your daughter doesn't know she needs.  :)  Next year, my kid (eek!  He'll be 18! :crying: ) is getting a set of small tools - drill, flashlight, stud finder, and level.  Figure when he's out on his own it'll get more use than the new D&D books he's been eyeing. 

[Mimm]

I have a relative with a shopping problem who buys all kinds of things she doesn't use. I try to remind myself that it's her money and none of my business but really, the waste of it bothers me. If it was actually my own money being spent on stuff not being used, I would definitely stop giving things as gifts and find something else to give.

[Haiku]

If it bothers you, give her cash and be done with it. I don't think you should complain to your dd about your feelings on how she uses her gifts. Gifts don't have strings. If they have strings, they aren't gifts.

[SparklyUnicorn]

If it bothers you, give her cash and be done with it. I don't think you should complain to your dd about your feelings on how she uses her gifts. Gifts don't have strings. If they have strings, they aren't gifts.

 

Yep.  That's what I thought too. 

[J-rap]

Hmmm, I'd be a little irked too.  Does she say why she doesn't use those things?  I guess I'd probably go with a Target gift card (or something similar) next time.

[Eliz]

It would bother me too.  My budget is tight.  If I give an expensive gift that someone actually requested, I would be hurt if the person didn't use the gift.  In our family, money is too tight to be wasted this way.  I would either give smaller gifts or cash.  

[Serenade]

DH and I almost always age our gifts before using them.  It's kind of gotten to be a joke.

[OneStepAtATime]

1.  Give cash in a thoughtful card since even gift cards don't get used.

 

2.  Does she have some executive function issues?  Like, if it takes time to think through and set up these things or learn how to use them, does it maybe get overwhelming to her so she keeps putting off getting them working?  If someone were to help her set up her Fitbit, for instance, might she use it then?  

 

(FWIW, DH gave me a Fitbit.  I didn't ask for it but I did want one.  I did not use it until he took the time to set it up.  I just was so busy with other things I kept putting it off.  Setting it up just seemed like one more thing on my plate I didn't want to deal with and I didn't have the energy/interest to dig in and find out how to get it set up.  DH got frustrated and finally set it up for me.  Once he set it up, I tried using it and actually got into a good routine.  I used it daily for months and months.  Then I misplaced it, got out of that routine, and when I found it again I just didn't bother using it anymore.  It sits on my nightstand gathering dust.  Is that logical?  No.  But that is how it is.  Maybe I will start using it again and maybe I won't.  I hope DH doesn't take it personally, because honestly it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.)

 

3.  I agree, once you give the gift, if it truly is a gift you need to walk away from expectations of how the recipient uses that gift.  At the same time, if she is the one asking and then isn't using the gift and this is bothering you I say tell her you love her but you will be giving cash from now on.  Maybe instead of gifts you could give time.  Maybe plan a special outing or something.

 

ETA:  By the way, making her feel guilty may actually compound the problem.  Does she hate feeling like a failure?  Maybe gifts from you, especially ones she asked for, inadvertently put pressure on her and she avoids dealing with the gifts subconsciously because she doesn't want to fail you.  Illogical but I have done that before.

Edited May 20, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[maize]

My husband often leaves gifts unopened and unused, in his case it is tied in with anxiety and a desire to keep new things new. If I buy him something like a new shirt, I have to take it out of its packaging and hang it in his closet or it will never get worn. Years ago his parents gave him an ipod as a gift and it sat unopened for two years before I finally opened it and loaded some things on it for him. It has nothing to do with lack of gratitude or lack of desire to use the item but there is stuff going on inside his head that makes him uncomfortable with using new stuff.

[vonfirmath]

Has she been sent the message that asking for cash isn't acceptable, so she has to name something for you to buy or if she doesn't you'll be upset?  Does she even want gifts?  Some people just aren't into stuff.  If they have people insisting on buying them them things, including expensive things, they're stuck between a rock and a hard place.  If they say, "No, there isn't anything I really want or need, so don't buy me anything" they're often scolded or at least argued with, so what else can they do?

 

Giving cash usually works for every situation.  It doesn't have an expiration date, you can redeem it for goods and services just about anywhere and it can be saved for later at a time in your life when you do know what you want or when what you want isn't in the price range of a typical gift, but lucky you, you've been stashing it away all along and it's added up.

 

I agree that once you give a gift it's no longer your concern.

 

My husband is a "doesn't want stuff" person. Sometimes he comes up with something to get him. More often we go out to eat/a baseball game or something.  His parents used to (As a teenager) get him a handful of gift cards -- grocery, Eddie Bauer, Barnes & Noble.  Now they just send money.  (which mostly gets used at fast food and Barnes & Noble. Occasionally to buy a video game)

Edited May 20, 2016 by vonfirmath

[vonfirmath]

If it bothers you, give her cash and be done with it. I don't think you should complain to your dd about your feelings on how she uses her gifts. Gifts don't have strings. If they have strings, they aren't gifts.

 

My parents remind me of this all the time when I feel guilty about getting rid of something they gave me. "We don't give gifts with strings. Once it is yours, it is yours" -- even down to when my they gave my sister a car and she turned around and gave it to a family they knew that had no car and needed transportation.

[Miss Peregrine]

1. Give cash in a thoughtful card since even gift cards don't get used.

 

2. Does she have some executive function issues? Like, if it takes time to think through and set up these things or learn how to use them, does it maybe get overwhelming to her so she keeps putting off getting them working? If someone were to help her set up her Fitbit, for instance, might she use it then?

 

(FWIW, DH gave me a Fitbit. I didn't ask for it but I did want one. I did not use it until he took the time to set it up. I just was so busy with other things I kept putting it off. Setting it up just seemed like one more thing on my plate I didn't want to deal with and I didn't have the energy/interest to dig in and find out how to get it set up. DH got frustrated and finally set it up for me. Once he set it up, I tried using it and actually got into a good routine. I used it daily for months and months. Then I misplaced it, got out of that routine, and when I found it again I just didn't bother using it anymore. It sits on my nightstand gathering dust. Is that logical? No. But that is how it is. Maybe I will start using it again and maybe I won't. I hope DH doesn't take it personally, because honestly it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.)

 

3. I agree, once you give the gift, if it truly is a gift you need to walk away from expectations of how the recipient uses that gift. At the same time, if she is the one asking and then isn't using the gift and this is bothering you I say tell her you love her but you will be giving cash from now on. Maybe instead of gifts you could give time. Maybe plan a special outing or something.

 

ETA: By the way, making her feel guilty may actually compound the problem. Does she hate feeling like a failure? Maybe gifts from you, especially ones she asked for, inadvertently put pressure on her and she avoids dealing with the gifts subconsciously because she doesn't want to fail you. Illogical but I have done that before.

This.

[heartlikealion]

Yes, it would bother me. I've done similar, not gotten around to using certain things, but usually they are not very expensive items (my scrapbooking stuff. Guilty!). Santa gave ds a video game and ds only played it for a few minutes. It was not cheap. It was a download. We think he was scared of it, but he had asked for it and doesn't scare that easily. I noticed the game rating later and said I would not have been on board with it had I known sooner.

 

I agree about scaling back on the gift and also agree that an Amazon card might be the way to go.

 

Does she not use the camera because she relies on her cell phone camera? Maybe she could sell the camera/return it?

 

 

[StephanieZ]

Why not give her cold hard cash? It will eventually get spent. Just put a crisp bill in a nice card. 

 

If you find something she'd like that's inexpensive and thoughtful, then add that to the cash/card. A box of fancy chocolates, a jar of fancy jelly beans, or another favorite edible would be good. Similarly, some of her favorite lotion/lip stuff/hair brush/etc -- something you know she uses and likes and could use one more of. :) 

 

(Gift cards annoy me because I have to keep track of them. The only ones I like are Amazon ones but that's because they are equivalent to cash for me there since I use Amazon nearly daily and can just put the card on the account as soon as I get it so it can't be lost.)

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

When you give someone something they want but they don't use it right away, you have still given them something they want.  Now they have the capability to use it sometime, and you've shown great thoughtfulness as well.  You've given potential.  You've given capacity.  You've give the means to the end.

 

The only exception I would say is something where the technology is changing quickly.  For something like a fitbit, if they are not going to use it right away, there isn't much point--a version that has more features/a better price/a sleeker design is inevitably right around the corner.  So I'd tend to avoid those.

[bibiche]

DS and I were just discussing this topic while shopping for a gift for his friend. So I will repeat what I told him: we try to be thoughtful and give a gift that the other person will like and hope that this is indeed the case. However, once the gift is given we are no longer involved and have no right to be insulted if the gift is not used in the manner in which we would like it to be used.

 

For example, if I spend hours and hours making a quilt for someone and later find that the recipient of my gift is using said quilt as the liner for their kitty litter box... oh well. I simply have no right to say how my gift should be used.

 

I guess it's kind of like selling a house that you loved. You might drive by and say "Egad! Why did they chop down all my beautiful rhododendrons and what the heck is that monstrosity they erected in the garden!" but you can't go and tell them you don't like what they did. Not your house anymore. Not your gift anymore.

[Carol in Cal.]

DH and I almost always age our gifts before using them.  It's kind of gotten to be a joke.

Vintage gifts!

[OneStepAtATime]

DS and I were just discussing this topic while shopping for a gift for his friend. So I will repeat what I told him: we try to be thoughtful and give a gift that the other person will like and hope that this is indeed the case. However, once the gift is given we are no longer involved and have no right to be insulted if the gift is not used in the manner in which we would like it to be used.

 

For example, if I spend hours and hours making a quilt for someone and later find that the recipient of my gift is using said quilt as the liner for their kitty litter box... oh well. I simply have no right to say how my gift should be used.

 

I guess it's kind of like selling a house that you loved. You might drive by and say "Egad! Why did they chop down all my beautiful rhododendrons and what the heck is that monstrosity they erected in the garden!" but you can't go and tell them you don't like what they did. Not your house anymore. Not your gift anymore.

:lol:

 

This reminds me of something:  My grandmother sold her house years ago and she had a TON of trees in her little bitty yard.  I was visiting my grandmother for the summer right after that sale.  I got a panicked call from a family friend/former neighbor begging me to drive my grandmother to town by a different route than we normally went because we would have to pass her old house.  The new owner was whacking down nearly every tree.   :scared:   I took "the scenic route" for over a week before finally realizing she was going to eventually see all those trees gone and have to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't her house anymore and they were no longer her trees.  :) 

 

:grouphug:  OP.  I know this is frustrating/hurtful, but I would let it go and switch to giving cash or doing things together as the gift.  Best wishes.

[happypamama]

I'd give her cash.

 

Maybe she thinks she will want something, but without actually having it, she doesn't know if she'll actually use it, and then it turns out that it's more hassle than it's worth, or it's too expensive to keep using (like the Keurig -- sounds great in theory, but maybe it's actually more expensive to buy the little cups than she thought?).  Or maybe she thinks that she should ask for a thing, rather than cash, and so she's grasping at straws to find something to ask for?  Or maybe she really could use cash for small incidentals or pizza with friends or whatever, but those are things that are hard to request.  

 

The past several years, I haven't had something big that I've wanted.  Mostly, I get cash for gifts, and I like being able to save it until I know what I really, really want/need.  And sometimes that's little stuff, and sometimes it's bigger things like sneakers or a new computer.  But when I needed the computer or sneakers, I was really, really glad to be able to buy just what I wanted.  One year when things were tight, and gas was high, a cash gift from a relative went into our entertainment fund, to be used to buy gas and entrance fees to things that were fun to do with the kids but which we couldn't have afforded otherwise; we were able to tell the kids that So-and-So had provided this opportunity for them.  So I would give her cash from now on and let her decide what to do with it, whether that's big stuff or small things.

[Carol in Cal.]

The other thing I might do is stop asking her what she wants.

It sounds like you could think of some clever stuff for her other than that, and like when she says what she wants you feel obligated to buy it, even though it sounds like it's beyond your budget.

 

I'd be inclined to shop at places where returns are very easy, like Nordstrom or REI or LLBean, and get something that is in your price range that you think she will enjoy, and then just release the whole question of what happens next.  Or I'd get crazy consumable stuff, like a lavish basket of art supplies, or an insane variety of chocolate.  Once when my brother took up playing percussion in a marching band I gave him a huge gift bag full of drum-related Christmas ornaments for Christmas--probably 8-10 of them.  The fact that there were so many, and that they were all that one theme, made this a great gift.

[happi duck]

Gifts are my love language and I would be sad to be given cash or (most) gift cards. "Here, buy your own gift. You're too difficult." <-- this is what I'd feel was communicated.

 

What's your philosophy of gift giving? What do you want to communicate? Is your DD getting that message?

[Haiku]

Gifts are my love language and I would be sad to be given cash or (most) gift cards. "Here, buy your own gift. You're too difficult." <-- this is what I'd feel was communicated.

 

Some people are difficult, and their reactions to gifts that were thoughtfully selected and given with love are consistently irritating. Ask me how I know.

 

We give that person money. It's better than giving nothing, which is how we felt at times.

Edited May 20, 2016 by TaraTheLiberator

[lllll]

I'm super stressed so instead of eating I am planning birthday/holiday gifts for the future.

 

My issue-

 

My darling 19 year old daughter (soon to be 20) asks for things and then doesn't use them.

 

Example: Fitbit she never even set up, Keurig she used once (insists her and roommates will use next year), fujimax instant camera sitting in box in her closet.

 

Grrrr. I have expressed to her on more than one occasion how this makes me feel.

 

I have even threatened to boycott gift giving. She freaked and set I'm setting up the Fitbit, I promise.

So I find myself looking at gifts that cost $5 or $10. But I'll still be annoyed if she doesn't use them.

 

Am I overreacting? Would this bother you?

 

I would stop giving gifts, even cash, for a while.  Not as a "boycott" or anything like that.  But just to kind of 'reset' things with her. 

 

It just sounds like the gifts aren't that important to her, yet she sees they're very important to you, so she's feeling pressured somehow.  I'd work on removing that pressure and straightening out the relationship.

 

Fwiw, one of my dd's is similar.  She even tells us NOT to give her gifts because she doesn't "need" anything.  So we take her somewhere and bake her a cake and stuff like that.  That makes her happy and it's actually easier for us, too.  

 

Maybe you need to figure out how your dd enjoys celebrating things if it's not with gifts??