Popular Post Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted September 8, 2015 I swear. I swear I'm going to change my user name to Murphy bc the weirdest crap freakin happens to me that you just can't comprehend unless you are here. So. My geriatric miniature poodle has been very very bad off the last week. As in panting and pacing non-stop pain. Poor guy. His arthritis and such just suddenly seemed to get a lot worse. So we upped his pain medicine twice. Finally today he was acting normal again. No more pacing and panting in pain. Wanted to play ball again. Awesome. He goes upstairs for the first time in a week and we hear him going about investigating and making sure nothing major has changed but didn't think anything of him being up there the entire time the kids watched a movie. (His favorite place to sleep is up there and last we checked he was rearranging the blankets around it.) Then I send the kids to go to bed and one of my girls calls me screaming her head off that something awful is wrong with him and I run up there thinking omg, it was one of those sunshine brief improvements right before death situations, iykwim. Well the dog felt so much better he decided to dig through her toy box and get one of her life sized dolls out to hump. And he humped it so well that the doll's ribbony loops of hair got tangled in his penis and he couldn't retract his penis when done with her and had apparently been silently panting a bug-eyed scream of horror for a while hidden in the back of her walkin closet terrified to move and make it worse. No barking or anything. Good heavens. I screamed for scissors pronto and as delicately as possible flipped him over so I could cut only what needed cut off. But his penis still hasn't retracted. I've applied an ice pack because I just couldn't think wth else to do. So I'm sitting here cradling my stupid too damned old to be that horny neutered dog like a baby while holding an ice pack to his inflamed and possibly forever damaged penis. On the plus side, my BFF just came in the door and after she finished laughing her butt off, noted that she has never seen animals as well trained as mine bc her dog would be foaming at the mouth and need sedation. Please excuse the several edits. Note I'm also holding an ice pack on my dogs privates. 63 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Murphy, Murphy, Murphy. Do you live near a city that has a pet emergency clinic? I would call them. Sounds like something else is going on with your dog than pain and humping. Honestly, Martha. How disturbing. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Murphy, Murphy, Murphy. Do you live near a city that has a pet emergency clinic? I would call them. Sounds like something else is going on with your dog than pain and humping. Honestly, Martha. How disturbing.The pain medication were upped by the vet we saw twice last week. Blood work, X-rays and so forth have been done. And yes, I've called my vet, but they have not called me back yet. And yes. I'm rather disturbed by this too! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I worked for a vet for 5 years. We never saw anything quite that bizarre. Poor puppy. I hope he recovers this evening. Have you taken him out to see if he needs to pee. I don't know if that would help or not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I just lost my cider through my nose!!!!!!! Omg, that is hilarious. nope, didn't happen here. So sorry for your dog. And you. :lol: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Oh, your poor old guy! Hope he returns to normal quickly & that there's no lasting damage. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Put lubricant on it. It may help it retract. We had a male dog with a retraction problem and this is what I read on the Internet. (I'm sorry. I am also laughing my butt off and feel a little bad about that.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 My vet called back. I don't think I have ever been so flustered and red-faced while explaining something to a vet. Vet was honest that this was not a call he had ever had before. Vet said to not use ice and to try to get him to walk it off and go potty. Dog hasn't wanted to move, much less walk. He is mostly laying here acting both relieved to be rescued and wanting to dig a hole to bury himself in. If it isn't improved and or he hasn't peed and walking about by morning, I should bring him in. Sigh. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 The list of Reasons We Don't Have Pets just got longer. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm so sorry for your dog. How absolutely horrible. I hope he gets moving soon. And thanks for sharing this, I'm so sorry, but I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 The list of Reasons We Don't Have Pets just got longer.Girl pets don't have penis problems. (Two girl cats and a girl dog here.) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I've had this happen, at the vet clinic I worked at. Yes, you need to use lubricant. Usually what has happend is part of the prepuce (doggy foreskin) has gotten rolled under, as in rolled in on itself, and that's preventing the penis from retracting. Lube and actually pulling out that bit that has rolled in was what was needed. There is a name for it, want to say phimosis? Edited to add: paraphimosis. http://www.petmd.com/blogs/thedailyvet/pmahaney/2013/june/paraphimosis-pet-emergency-or-owner-embrassment-30463 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 That did not happen to us. I'm very sorry for your dog!!! If only dogs could remember things years later and laugh about them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 I've had this happen, at the vet clinic I worked at. Yes, you need to use lubricant. Usually what has happend is part of the prepuce (doggy foreskin) has gotten rolled under, as in rolled in on itself, and that's preventing the penis from retracting. Lube and actually pulling out that bit that has rolled in was what was needed. There is a name for it, want to say phimosis? Edited to add: paraphimosis. http://www.petmd.com/blogs/thedailyvet/pmahaney/2013/june/paraphimosis-pet-emergency-or-owner-embrassment-30463 Okay. Another new adventure. Like KY stuff mentioned on TV? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm sorry for your dog (and for you having to deal with it), but your post might just be the funniest one I have ever read on TWTM. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm sorry for your dog (and for you having to deal with it), but your post might just be the funniest one I have ever read on TWTM. My thoughts exactly! I'm trying not to laugh out loud and wake up the entire household. :lol: I do hope you're able to resolve the issues very soon, MurphyMartha. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 I've had this happen, at the vet clinic I worked at. Yes, you need to use lubricant. Usually what has happend is part of the prepuce (doggy foreskin) has gotten rolled under, as in rolled in on itself, and that's preventing the penis from retracting. Lube and actually pulling out that bit that has rolled in was what was needed. There is a name for it, want to say phimosis? Edited to add: paraphimosis. http://www.petmd.com/blogs/thedailyvet/pmahaney/2013/june/paraphimosis-pet-emergency-or-owner-embrassment-30463 I looked at the link ... Um. Way, way more penis is out that that itty bit of pink nub shown in the picture. Like the entire thing. But I texted my husband to bring some lube home. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 But I texted my husband to bring some lube home. I hope you explained why and aren't just getting his hopes up :-) I feel bad for laughing, but I'm afraid I am. I hope doggy feels much better. Poor dolly... scarred for life I imagine. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 My thoughts exactly! I'm trying not to laugh out loud and wake up the entire household. :lol: I did laugh way too loud. My husband was upstairs (with twists and turns in the route from my office to his office upstairs), and he heard me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Dh was on his way home from Texas when I texted him. Because I refuse to call when I know he is driving. So he called me to laugh about the funny autocorrect of whatever my text was supposed to be because it said "bring home KY please" No. That's correct. I need you to come home with some feminine lubricant. And hung up on him. Because he is driving damn it. And I'm sorta laughing so I don't cry at this point and ending up doing both. Because really this is just the perfect addition to a bunch of other stuff going on and I don't need his mouthiness at the moment. *deep breathing* 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghansMom Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 How bad is it that I laughed hysterically reading your post? And still giggling uncontrollably while I type my own? And I am filled with glee at the thought of sharing it with some of my friends? Seriously though I hope you dog is okay... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Dh comes in the door in record time with a confused concerned smile and a bottle of salted caramel flavored lubricant. He is all fun and games about how his bride of 22 years still manages to surprise him. Then he is all fun and laughing his butt off and shaking his head about the kind of stuff that can only happen in our house and hugging me in sympathy for my trials. It's all fun and games until I get to the part about HIM using the salted caramel lube to cajole the penis back in. Oh and we are out of latex gloves, but I have some grocery plastic bags if that helps. He couldn't get it back in all the way despite rather forceful to my eye efforts and half the bottle of lube. And the dog did not like salted caramel. As soon as we stopped, he went to town trying to work things out (in?) on his own and promptly gagged on the carpet. He did however walk outside to pee and poop. What a craptastic day where that is progress. Crap like this is why June Cleaver was always needing to share a drink with her husband by 4 in the afternoon. 38 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Nope. Never happened to me. Also I've never had to lube my dog. Prayers you're not scarred too much. :eek: (Also, yes I died laughing. This is nearly as good as one of those Amazon reviews for Veet.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Oh. Oh my. I am laughing my butt off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I feel so bad for your poor little dog, but this is truly the funniest thing I have ever read on WTM. :lol: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggie96 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm so sorry for your troubles! I am laughing so hard that I just woke DH up accidentally. Then, I HAD to read it to him, and he commented, "This is why we don't have a dog." He promptly rolled over and went back to sleep. Lol 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TianXiaXueXiao Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I can't believe how calm and collected you are that you could write this entire story out with such expression. Thank you for the much needed comic relief. I'm so sorry for your pooch and your dd's dolly. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Oh my. I'm so sorry for your trauma (and your dog's), but I have tears from laughing! It is REEAALLY early here too, and I'm snickering quietly into my coffee trying to not wake people up. The salted Caramel KY did me in though. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Vet was honest that this was not a call he had ever had before. I'm so sorry, but this got me! *giggles* Hope your poor doggy is better soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 That is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. I'm sorry that you and your poor dog! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 So, Martha, how's your dog's penis this morning?? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I hope he's better, but the salted caramel is just too funny. :lol: I think this is one for the WTM record books. How is your dd feeling about her doll? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I hope he's better, but the salted caramel is just too funny. :lol: I think this is one for the WTM record books. How is your dd feeling about her doll? Yep. This is probably going to be a WTM epic:) What? Have a problem that just won't go away? Well, did you try the caramel salted KY? That solves everything! Seriously though, poor doggie. I hope things have sorted themselves out this morning. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMommy Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 So, Martha, how's your dog's penis this morning?? That is one thing I never expected to read on this forum! I really am sorry for you and your poor dog Martha, but I can't stop laughing! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I am so so so sorry for your dog. And yet I'm thankful for the laugh this morning. Oh. my. goodness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I am so so so sorry for your dog. And yet I'm thankful for the laugh this morning. Oh. my. goodness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Oh my! Trying not to laugh while reading this so I don't have to explain it to the kids. What happened to the doll? And how's the dog this morning? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 No. That did not happen to me this weekend. I've had some doozies happen to me, but that would rank way up there. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 That is quite the unique experience. I hope doggy is better today. Poor guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Oh my. Well we don't have a dog so . . . Nope, never had this happen. I hope you and your dog are feeling better this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 So, how did you explain this to your daughter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 The poor little guy. Hope he's back to rights this morning. The first time that happened (minus the doll) to my dog, he also patiently endured a cold pack to the privates with no effect. I took him to the vet and was a little embarrassed when the vet flipped everything back into place in about 2 seconds. I was able to handle it from then on. The worst was when it happened at the airport. Not something you like to do in front of people, I assure you. :o 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Dh comes in the door in record time with a confused concerned smile and a bottle of salted caramel flavored lubricant. He is all fun and games about how his bride of 22 years still manages to surprise him. Well you can hardly fault the man, between your request for KY and your deep breaths. What I want to know is if you're going to go with the increased dose of pain meds for Geriatric Poodle again today? Seeing as how it resulted in improved vigor and all yesterday. Of course, you might want to lock down all the long haired dolls in the house first. And tell friends to leave their female dogs at home when they come to visit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 The list of Reasons We Don't Have Pets just got longer. Yes, same here. Next time the girls present a well-researched case for "Why We Need A Dog" I just might unleash this one on them. Disallowing a female dog as an argument, if they can listen to that story and come up with good reasons and probably a signed contract that they will deal with it if it happens, they just might win a dog. :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 O.M.G. It hasn't even been two weeks since my hysterectomy. I am about to seriously bust a gut here! I am clutching my pillow to my abdomen and trying to wipe the tears before I have to explain anything. Martha - I hope your dog is much better this morning. This thread has to win a WTM award. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Took dog to vet this morning and paid with money I don't have. Damn it. But got that fixed. Kids were fascinated by that appointment and crowded around to watch. Yay for sex ed. It's not possible for there to be enough coffee in my day. 45 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Well, that didn't happen to any of us that weekend, but the rest of us have now had the experience of compulsively checking an internet homeschool forum for the status of a geriatric dog penis. I mean, that's a new one. :laugh: I'm sorry it ended with an unexpected vet bill (I've got horses; I know how bad those bills hurt!), but I'm glad your pup is ok! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 So, how did you explain this to your daughter? *confused* Explain what. She was right there. So it was rather obvious what had happened while I was flipping him over and carefully trimming doll hair out of the way. She thought it was gross and ugly and stupid. I tend to agree with her. Sadly this dog has a history of cat and doll assault. He used to hump one of our cats all the time. That was an interesting conversation starter when I'd be sharing a cuppa and conversation with someone in the living room and that would happen. And everyone who wasn't in the know thought it was cute how he would go running through a room with a doll in his mouth carrying it away caveman style to some private room. Like the kitchen. Thankfully this was never the result before. I don't know if he just picked the wrong doll or was unusually vigorous due to happy pain pills. The doll is fine. A few strands of her loopy hair are no longer loopy and she's been put through the washer. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Oh, Martha.... :lol: YOU WIN. Dh comes in the door in record time with a confused concerned smile and a bottle of salted caramel flavored lubricant.He is all fun and games about how his bride of 22 years still manages to surprise him.Then he is all fun and laughing his butt off and shaking his head about the kind of stuff that can only happen in our house and hugging me in sympathy for my trials.It's all fun and games until I get to the part about HIM using the salted caramel lube to cajole the penis back in.... Crap like this is why June Cleaver was always needing to share a drink with her husband by 4 in the afternoon. I must have missed that particular episode... (Glad to hear your pooch is back to business.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm sorry for you, but THANK YOU for sharing this with us. Salted caramel lube......LMAO. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.