Non-Functioning

[Jenrae]

MrsWeasley.....I am so sorry for what you are going through.

 

I am hoping that the reason you have not been back on the board is that your hubby came to his senses and you all are talking it over. Marriage is difficult, and yes, sometimes a mate may think the only solution is divorce, then they can have a change of heart. I pray that is the case here. I will be praying for your marriage, and you!

 

With that said, I pray you will take some of the advice you have been given and prepare yourself either way.

 

Hugs to you! Feel free to contact me if you just want someone to talk to.

[applethyme]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Cammie]

[Former divorce attorney here.]

 

You have received good advice above.

 

First and foremost, get a lawyer ASAP.  You can contact your local BAR to get a low cost referral if required.

 

Most moms are first and foremost concerned about custody - don't be.  A stay at home mom will generally be found to be the "primary parent."  Remember custody can mean two different things.  "Legal custody" is the ability to make important decisions about the kids (schooling, health, etc.)  "Physical custody" is where the kids will live.  Many times parents will share "legal custody" but one parent will have "physical custody" while the other parent has "visitation" or "parenting time."  Courts are more and more fair about custody/parenting time issues. Many will try and push a joint-custody arrangment.  Some require that both parents agree before they will order join custody.    PLEASE don't let him scare you into thinking he is going to "go after custody of the kids." Routinely men use this as a tactic to try and force a financial settlement.  Don't do it.

 

In most states you will be getting spousal support - at least for a while.  But you might also be required to start looking for work to show that you are moving towards self-sufficiency.  Start thinking about going back to school. What do you want to do with your life?  What do you need to study to do that?  How long will it take before you can start earning money in that career?

 

You will get child support if you have physical custody of the kids. 

 

In many states (if not all) you can get temporary spousal support and child support before the divorce is even finalized - get your attorney to work on this ASAP.

 

Most states will look towards a fair and even distribution of the assets - and will often look beyond whose name is on the property.

 

Don't use your attorney as a counselor (that will get expensive.)  If you need to talk, find a friend, get a therapist, join a support group.  Let your relationship with the lawyer be about the legal issues.

 

You WILL get through this.  You WILL be better for it.  You WILL be a great example to your children.  You WILL respect the kid's needs in this process.  You WILL come out a better, stronger, more independent person.

 

 

[MrsWeasley]

Thanks for all the support and advice. I'm reading even though I haven't responded. I still feel awful, but just having you all give me a starting place has helped me get out of bed. 

 

My husband missed watching the littles the other day and came home late saying his phone died and he had to work overtime. We talked last night: I asked him if he was serious about the divorce, and he started with telling me that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but then started talking about how much better he thought things would be for me if we divorced, especially divorcing sooner than later, and then how he thought I should have an affair (?!). He's still sleeping here. He hasn't moved any of his stuff. I have no idea what to make of any of this. I don't know if he's seeing someone else. It wouldn't be the first time he was unfaithful. Maybe this sounds pathetic, but getting divorced sounds worse than him discreetly having a girlfriend. I just want him to stay. We need him. I don't understand why he'd do this to our kids. Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

This I know for sure: all the financial records from the last three years (basically once we bought the house) have been moved, and I can't find it. I still have access to things like the online banking and credit card accounts that I knew about. There is a Target card and one other card that I didn't know about, but no large payments have been made on them, so I'm not sure why he didn't tell me or if it means anything that he didn't.

 

I have a consult with a lawyer. The idea of trying to pick a lawyer overwhelmed me, so I eventually picked a family law firm near somewhere I'll be dropping off two of my kids tomorrow based solely on proximity and trying to keep some sort of forward motion going on this. This was probably a mistake, but the more I try to read divorce laws and different types of divorces, the more confused and overwhelmed I feel. Plus the information I'm reading about lawyer fees is freaking me out even more. Other than trying to gather up financial information, I haven't done anything else with money and am hoping the consult might clarify this tomorrow. Well, my baby's dental office called about an outstanding bill I paid. 

 

Talking to a lawyer makes me feel awful, like nauseous, the whole time, with guilt, with feeling like choosing to do this is sabotaging reconciliation. It's like all my anxiety has been funneled into freaking out about this appointment.  

 

My husband's computer is a chromebook: I don't think it has a hard drive to copy or a way to copy it...why do I want to copy this? Is there something I should do to keep him from copying mine? 

 

If you do very little school in the summer (and don't count those days towards your legal minimum), does it help or hurt to have a bunch of summer days with very scanty schoolwork? I live in a state that has almost no oversight. I keep a binder of the kids' work that I then cull at the end of the year to just a few things for posterity, but that's it. Not sure how much more thorough I should be, especially since I can't imagine being able to homeschool after a divorce.

 

We have not announced anything to the kids. Should I put the kids in counseling before we announce? 

 

I've never left the baby even overnight. I can't imagine having him, or really any of the kids, only half of the time, especially since I'll probably have to work during some of my time with me. It just sounds awful. I'm just trying not to think about it.

 

A few of you talked about separating and then reconciling: for those of you who managed to salvage your relationship, how did you win your partner back? I've been reading some of the marriage builders site, but I'm having a hard time seeing us in how the author talks about relationships. The last time we tried marriage counseling, he would fail to show up, fall asleep during it, and complain about the cost, so I worry if I mention counseling it will push him further away.

 

Thanks again.

 

[Seasider]

(((Hugs)))

 

I say this gently...

 

Given what you've said above, ask your lawyer about a private investigator. Your husband is having an affair. I'm sorry but I don't think you can "win" him back if he is uncooperative regarding counseling and urging you to be unfaithful.

 

You don't seem the type but I feel compelled to say - this is the wrong time for a "revenge" hookup. Stay on the straight and narrow, care for your kids, don't fear seeing the attorney. It's not the attorney that's making you nauseated, it's the fact that once you do, the status quo will change. But it must change. Because you are not being valued in this relationship. His realizing that you will not be a limp bystander might be the slap in the face that wakes him up.

 

Take care of yourself!

[milovany]

... and then how he thought I should have an affair (?!)...

First, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Second, write the above in the notebook you should start keeping regarding your interactions with him. Third, write that the records have been moved, too, and that you can't find them. Tell the lawyer this, too.

 

Don't try to plan the future right now, like whether or not you'll be able to homeschool post-divorce. No one knows that right now (and there are plenty of divorced homeschooling moms). Right now, focus on your lawyer helping you create a strong situation for your kids and you.

 

ETA: I agree that you should change your username if that's your real last name or even a real life nickname or play on your real name. PM an admin to do so. Then IM every person who typed out your username in their post(s) and ask them to remove your name from any/all their posts.

[Arcadia]

Given what you've said above, ask your lawyer about a private investigator. Your husband is having an affair.

I agree. His telling you to have an affair is so that he doesn't look like the only "bad guy" in the divorce courts if divorce is filed on the grounds of adultery.

One of my cousin is a serial womanizer. Luckily for his ex-wife and his kids, he didn't fight for custody and didn't contest the spousal and child support.

 

ETA:

My cousin paid for his kids college education as part of the divorce settlement. He abandoned his first wife when the kids were elementary school aged.

[Liz CA]

It sounds like Seasider is on to something as painful as it is.

Your husband knows you don't want to separate and feels like he is holding all the cards right now. He has his cake and eats it too. He feels like he can control you with vague statements and string you along as in "I don't really know what I want."

 

He needs to lose the privilege of your company, of your kindness and the many things you probably do for him to make his life easier, i.e., laundry, meals, etc.

 

I know this will be very hard for you but I strongly suggest you ask him to leave the house. He has announced divorce intentions, he has hidden paperwork and there is a strong suspicion he is involved with another woman. You might ask him - as an offer - to accompany you to counseling. If his response is similar to what you described, you go by yourself first and find out how the children can be included in counseling. You may not have told your dc anything yet but it's likely they know that something is going on. Your asking him to go to counseling with you may seem futile in your mind, but document it and his response because if it goes to court, it shows your willingness to repair the relationship - and his unwillingness to do so.

 

Don't fret about the attorney's appointment. This appointment should clarify a lot of things for you and give you some guidance. 

And as someone else posted, sometimes when a man realizes that the woman means business and that she won't be a pushover and can be talked into anything, it is a wake-up call for him. By doing all of the above things, you are NOT minimizing your chances for a reconciliation but you are improving them. But you also need to know that there are no guarantees.

The one thing you know is that you will find a way through this. Joining divorce care groups, as someone already suggested, is an excellent way to make some new friends and get support. If you have a church you attend, find out if there is a Woman's Care Group.

 

Finally, when life hits us with the big stuff, remember to just do the next thing, if it's feeding the kids or washing your hands, concentrate on the next thing, the next minute or two and don't get anxious about the next week or year.

Begin to see yourself as a whole person that deserves to be valued. If you want to utilize some proven CBT methods, you can say your name and state something positive, i.e.: "Mrs. Weasley, you are strong and courageous, smart and resourceful. Mrs. Weasley, you and your children will be fine. Tomorrow's attorney appointment will be very helpful."

May sound funny but many studies have proven it works.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[jelbe5]

Oh Dear Sister,

 

I am so sorry for your pain and for this situation. I am so sorry to hear your husband has been unfaithful to you in the past. No, it is not okay for him to have a discreet girlfriend. No, you do not need him if he is going to abuse you this way. This is mental and emotional abuse. You are worthy of so much more! You deserve to be loved and cherished and an equal partner in a committed relationship. Please go forward with your meeting with the lawyer. Do you have a friend or family member who can go with you to be a help in hearing what the lawyer has to say? And as a previous poster suggested, please make an appointment with a doctor for a complete checkup and testing for sexually transmitted diseases. I am praying for strength and wisdom for you during this difficult time.

[Guest]

(((Hugs)))

 

I say this gently...

 

Given what you've said above, ask your lawyer about a private investigator. Your husband is having an affair. I'm sorry but I don't think you can "win" him back if he is uncooperative regarding counseling and urging you to be unfaithful.

 

You don't seem the type but I feel compelled to say - this is the wrong time for a "revenge" hookup. Stay on the straight and narrow, care for your kids, don't fear seeing the attorney. It's not the attorney that's making you nauseated, it's the fact that once you do, the status quo will change. But it must change. Because you are not being valued in this relationship. His realizing that you will not be a limp bystander might be the slap in the face that wakes him up.

 

Take care of yourself!

Everything she said. Repeat those words to yourself until you believe them. He is treating you terribly and you and your children deserve better. If he won't coorperate with counseling he has made his choice. You do what you have to do to protect your children and yourself, now, and if he shows a desire for reconciliation you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

:gentle hugs:

[Guest]

And what Liz and Adrianne said, too. Smart ladies on here.

[tm919]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. :( I can't add much to what was already said, just *hugs*. 

[Liberty]

I got through my divorce and can share some of my thoughts, especially in light of the things you just discovered.  I withdrew all the money out of the accounts and put in new accounts in just my name only hours before he went to the bank to do the same thing.  I'm so thankful I did that.  Eventually, I did have to divide up as part of the divorce settlement, but at least I wasn't left penniless during that time.  I'm not saying you should do that, but that advice about buying cash cards at the grocery store was a good idea, if you don't want him to catch wind just yet.  

 

However, my ex beat me to the punch with some financial papers.  The ones he hadn't hid (or had forgotten about), I immediately hid at a friend's house.  Another thing I did was start a spreadsheet to track everything.  I kept the spreadsheet on a computer he had no access to.  You really do need to think of this as espionage work, in a way.  Get your computer in a safe place, or locked up tight somehow. Password protect everything.  Whatever you can gain access to, don't hesitate.  Be discreet.  It does appear he has gotten a head start on you, but that doesn't mean you need to continue being blindsided.  Take control.  You can do it!!

 

I understand you are feeling like you can't survive without him.  I felt that way too.  It has now been almost two years and I can't believe how well things have gone for me.  You and your children will get through this.  There is a light at the end of your tunnel.

 

 

 

[Scarlett]

Thanks for all the support and advice. I'm reading even though I haven't responded. I still feel awful, but just having you all give me a starting place has helped me get out of bed.

 

My husband missed watching the littles the other day and came home late saying his phone died and he had to work overtime. We talked last night: I asked him if he was serious about the divorce, and he started with telling me that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but then started talking about how much better he thought things would be for me if we divorced, especially divorcing sooner than later, and then how he thought I should have an affair (?!). He's still sleeping here. He hasn't moved any of his stuff. I have no idea what to make of any of this. I don't know if he's seeing someone else. It wouldn't be the first time he was unfaithful. Maybe this sounds pathetic, but getting divorced sounds worse than him discreetly having a girlfriend. I just want him to stay. We need him. I don't understand why he'd do this to our kids. Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

This I know for sure: all the financial records from the last three years (basically once we bought the house) have been moved, and I can't find it. I still have access to things like the online banking and credit card accounts that I knew about. There is a Target card and one other card that I didn't know about, but no large payments have been made on them, so I'm not sure why he didn't tell me or if it means anything that he didn't.

 

I have a consult with a lawyer. The idea of trying to pick a lawyer overwhelmed me, so I eventually picked a family law firm near somewhere I'll be dropping off two of my kids tomorrow based solely on proximity and trying to keep some sort of forward motion going on this. This was probably a mistake, but the more I try to read divorce laws and different types of divorces, the more confused and overwhelmed I feel. Plus the information I'm reading about lawyer fees is freaking me out even more. Other than trying to gather up financial information, I haven't done anything else with money and am hoping the consult might clarify this tomorrow. Well, my baby's dental office called about an outstanding bill I paid.

 

Talking to a lawyer makes me feel awful, like nauseous, the whole time, with guilt, with feeling like choosing to do this is sabotaging reconciliation. It's like all my anxiety has been funneled into freaking out about this appointment.

 

My husband's computer is a chromebook: I don't think it has a hard drive to copy or a way to copy it...why do I want to copy this? Is there something I should do to keep him from copying mine?

 

If you do very little school in the summer (and don't count those days towards your legal minimum), does it help or hurt to have a bunch of summer days with very scanty schoolwork? I live in a state that has almost no oversight. I keep a binder of the kids' work that I then cull at the end of the year to just a few things for posterity, but that's it. Not sure how much more thorough I should be, especially since I can't imagine being able to homeschool after a divorce.

 

We have not announced anything to the kids. Should I put the kids in counseling before we announce?

 

I've never left the baby even overnight. I can't imagine having him, or really any of the kids, only half of the time, especially since I'll probably have to work during some of my time with me. It just sounds awful. I'm just trying not to think about it.

 

A few of you talked about separating and then reconciling: for those of you who managed to salvage your relationship, how did you win your partner back? I've been reading some of the marriage builders site, but I'm having a hard time seeing us in how the author talks about relationships. The last time we tried marriage counseling, he would fail to show up, fall asleep during it, and complain about the cost, so I worry if I mention counseling it will push him further away.

 

Thanks again.

I don't think thisis the time to be reading about saving your relationship. Especially on MB. That site is very hardcore, with no deviation from the party line and what you really need right now is an attorney. And let the attorney recommend a PI.

 

I too feel he is having an affair. Please please don't accept this because you feel you can't live without him. When you feel trapped you lose hope for the future. You are valuable, your children need you and you all deserve better than a man who would put you through this.

 

An attorney can help you see your future as less scary. You have legal rights and he can't walk away with legal consequences.

 

What I did immediately....I filed for divorce and asked for legal residency of the home and cs and temporary spousal support. Xh had to go find an apt and I had enough to continue on just like before until the divorce was final. This gave me valuable time to be able to think straight. Edited to add.....my attorney requested an emergency hearing and I had an order in place about three weeks after I first consulted.

 

When you file, your husband will be ordered to not sell property and to not incur further debt. And he wIll also be ordered by the court to provide all financial info.

 

Do you have a credit card you can put the retainer on? Family you can borrow from? A good attorney is vital right now.

 

I am very sorry. I remember well how hard this is. It will get better. You must trust me on this.

[MommaOfalotta]

I have been thinking about you a lot Mrs. Weasley. I have been checking back for an update and I just read your post. I'm so sorry :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I really don't have any advice., except from my own experience.

 

As for the questions on reconciliation? I don't feel I "won" him back. I feel he never wanted the divorce and although we put each other through hell while separated, when I finally broke down and said I wanted to work on things he came running. Our months of separation basically included me trying to punish him for everything he had done (I was soo ANGRY) and when that fizzled out and I had made a mess of things, I crumbled and admitted I didn't hate him, I was heartbroken.

 

Long story short, we reconciled after the worst of the worst. Affairs (quite a few, and on my end :ack2:  :banghead: ) losing our home, breaking just about every vow and promise we ever made to each other. We were extremely young, immature, and stupid.. but we still made it through.

 

My advice? Be prepared for a totally different dh. He may appear/become very insensitive and coldhearted. Things he may do/say will HURT and shock you. He may seem like a totally different person when all of this starts going down. Do not respond by trying to seek revenge or, like he suggested, having an affair of your own. Do not be afraid to speak from your heart, though. I know you are supposed to be "cold" or "mean" during a divorce, but if I would have kept that stubborn attitude up, we would not be married today. Don't be a doormat. Cover yourself legally and follow your lawyers advice (mine was very specific, for example "Do not, under any circumstances, be intimate with him!") but don't be afraid to tell him you don't want the divorce, etc. Being honest may save you from a divorce and if it doesn't, you're not going to have regrets later.

 

Still thinking of you, and praying for your family. My advice is only from my situation. Be honest, be vocal about not wanting the divorce, but legally cover yourself and follow your lawyers advice. I hate this so much for you. :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[plansrme]

Please, for your sake, assume that everything that comes out of his mouth right now is a lie.  Phone died?  Liar.  Overtime?  Show me the time card.  Maybe he is telling the truth, but I would assume he is not for now.

 

And go get yourself some cash, and hide it from him.  Just FYI, it sucks not to have any ready money even for the few weeks it takes to get an emergency support order in place, so get yourself some.  Also, find the title to your car and your spare key, and hide those.  Get yourself a credit card while you still can.  

 

 

[lllll]

...

 

Talking to a lawyer makes me feel awful, like nauseous, the whole time, with guilt, with feeling like choosing to do this is sabotaging reconciliation. It's like all my anxiety has been funneled into freaking out about this appointment.  

 

...

 

It might help to think about this as 'collecting information' and 'researching'.  Kind of like you did for hs'ing.  You're not sabotaging anything.  (Your dh certainly is though.)  You're just collecting information so you can make the best decisions for your kids and yourself.  And some of that information is in a form that happens to need some explanation from other people (lawyer, possible PI).  Just like you did here on the WTM boards with hs'ing.  You read and learned and collected information so you could make better decisions about hs'ing and do the best you could to help your kids.  And now you need to do that in another area of your life - for your kids' sake.

 

You might also think about what would have to change in order for you to take him back.  And how that might look IRL.  One of the most helpful things someone said to me when I was dealing with my ex, was to ask yourself 'What's changed' when you're tempted to take him back just to relieve the pain.  IOW, try to separate what you wish things were like from the reality of how things really are.  And you might have to do that over and over and over again.  But, one day, you'll suddenly realize that you are having to do it less and less.  And you'll know you're going to make it. 

 

:grouphug:

[Pink and Green Mom]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  :grouphug:

 

I for one am very proud of you that you have made that appointment with an attorney.  Nothing says you have to hire this one if you don't feel it is a good fit.  But you have made the first step in protecting yourself and your children and the first step is always the hardest.

[Rosie_0801]

 

 

Overtime?  Show me the time card.  

 

​Actually, don't. Don't bother asking anything he'll lie about. They only use it to inflate their egos or feed their victim complexes. Stuff like that is good to use to practice not caring.

[MedicMom]

[quote name="MrsWeasley" post="6453675" timestamp=

 

A few of you talked about separating and then reconciling: for those of you who managed to salvage your relationship, how did you win your partner back? I've been reading some of the marriage builders site, but I'm having a hard time seeing us in how the author talks about relationships. The last time we tried marriage counseling, he would fail to show up, fall asleep during it, and complain about the cost, so I worry if I mention counseling it will push him further away.

 

Thanks again.

 

You can only reconcile if both parties are willing. He sounds like he doesn't have a pattern of being willing to work on this marriage.

And the more I read the more I'm thinking there is a third person involved here...

[MommaOfalotta]

Also, my lawyer was able to get me child support immediately. We were just separated and I was getting regular child support from the get go. I didn't know that was possible but it sure helped.

[Alessandra]

Please, for your sake, assume that everything that comes out of his mouth right now is a lie. Phone died? Liar. Overtime? Show me the time card. Maybe he is telling the truth, but I would assume he is not for now.

 

And go get yourself some cash, and hide it from him. Just FYI, it sucks not to have any ready money even for the few weeks it takes to get an emergency support order in place, so get yourself some. Also, find the title to your car and your spare key, and hide those. Get yourself a credit card while you still can.

Get cash now. You need gas for the car to visit attorneys, at the very least. If you have access to bank accounts, get the money out.

 

If you dh has hidden papers, it is not the end of the world. He can be ordered to produce them, or they can be obtained from IRS, institutions. What is a worry though is extra accounts that you may not know about. For example, a new credit card that dh runs up could be considered a marital debt. Is you dh employed, or self-employed? I hope employed.

 

It is great thet you gave an attorney appointment. Make sure to see a number of attorneys before deciding on one.

 

Not trying to be brusque, but I have to run soon. Consider public school for your school age kids. Schools can be very supportive. Our local elementary has a group for kids of divorced/divorcing parents, led by a good counselor.

 

Don't worry about a private detective, unless lawyer recommends. Most states are no fault in terms of divorce.

 

I love the idea of a divorce group. Check local churches, ymcas, Jewish centers. Go for the best group, not necessarily lined up with your affiliation, if any.

 

Adding. He wants a divorce soon-- girlfriend is pregnant?? Then you have a card in you deck -- not too soon.

[Supertechmom]

if he suggested you have an affair, I would likely say he has consulted an attorney.  In my state, if the wife has an affair which gives a basis for a divorce, then she doesn't get alimony.  Also when my sister went through her divorce any reconciliation started everything over again.  Including finances and such.  Her ex waffled between you should have an affair and we should get back together until the very end.  Stay strong.  Be very sure of the divorce law in your state.

[Scarlett]

I didn't suggest a PI to help with your divorce. It is to help you see him for what he is. Some people need to see reality bfore they can move forward. I did. My XH was a big fat liar and I never could tell what was reality. Once I got proof I never saw him the same way again. Made it much easier to get determined to protect my half of our assets and our child.

 

Incidentally it did help with my divorce though.

[Valley Girl]

Talking to a lawyer makes me feel awful, like nauseous, the whole time, with guilt, with feeling like choosing to do this is sabotaging reconciliation.

 

 

 

I can't offer any helpful advice, but I had to comment on what you said here. First, I'm so sorry you and your kids are facing this situation.  That said, you're not sabotaging reconciliation by taking the nuts-and-bolts practical and very NECESSARY steps that posters who have BTDT are advising. Your DH dealt this hand to you. That's on him. Your job now is to protect your and your children's futures. Don't feel guilty about doing what you NEED to do. Get the pieces in place now so you have some choices and power and control in this situation later. I can only imagine how devastated you are right now. But your kids are depending on you. And I'm betting you will find reserves of strength you never knew you had. Peace.

 

[NorthwestMom]

I am so sorry.

 

He is having an affair.

 

There is no reconciliation possible when one partner is lying and betraying the other. It's out of your control. Seeing a lawyer will not affect your chances of reconciliation in any way - because your Dh is the one sabotaging the relationship. He would have to absolutely stop what he is doing and commit to working on the marriage 100% for reconciliation to be possible.

 

Please visit survivinginfidelity.com.  There is a ton of great advice on that site.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[plansrme]

​Actually, don't. Don't bother asking anything he'll lie about. They only use it to inflate their egos or feed their victim complexes. Stuff like that is good to use to practice not caring.

 

I don't mean that literally.  I mean, "Assume he is lying unless you have hard evidence that he is telling the truth."  I don't care if he is working overtime or not, but I think the OP needs to assume that he is up to no good until he gives her reason to believe otherwise.  If he says he will take care of her and the kids without her getting a court order, she needs to not believe it.  "Oh, I would never drain the accounts?"  Nope.  

 

OP, if you are on his health insurance at work, you can get a court order saying that he can't drop you or the kids during their next open enrollment.  Open enrollments even for calendar year plans can start in October, so you might want to get that taken care of soon.  Make sure, if you get the order, that a copy goes to the employer's HR department.  

[Truscifi]

You can't "win him back". It doesn't work that way. He has to want to make it work as much as you do, and it doesn't sound like he does. Honestly, it sounds like he is trying to sabotage any efforts you might make to make out decently in the divorce he is already planning.

 

I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

First, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Second, write the above in the notebook you should start keeping regarding your interactions with him. Third, write that the records have been moved, too, and that you can't find them. Tell the lawyer this, too.

 

Don't try to plan the future right now, like whether or not you'll be able to homeschool post-divorce. No one knows that right now (and there are plenty of divorced homeschooling moms). Right now, focus on your lawyer helping you create a strong situation for your kids and you.

 

ETA: I agree that you should change your username if that's your real last name or even a real life nickname or play on your real name. PM an admin to do so. Then IM every person who typed out your username in their post(s) and ask them to remove your name from any/all their posts.

 

LOVE this advice!! Document, document, document. Take photos.

 

You are not a wife at this point. You are now a grizzly bear.

 

You can do this: compartmentalize the sweet, kind part of yourself that cares for him -- and go grizzly!

 

That's your new motto: Keep Calm & Go Grizzly!!

 

In this situation harnessed anger is your best friend (and a good lawyer).

 

Alley

[Little Nyssa]

((Hugs))

[gardenmom5]

 

 

You might also think about what would have to change in order for you to take him back.  And how that might look IRL.  One of the most helpful things someone said to me when I was dealing with my ex, was to ask yourself 'What's changed' when you're tempted to take him back just to relieve the pain.  IOW, try to separate what you wish things were like from the reality of how things really are.  And you might have to do that over and over and over again.  But, one day, you'll suddenly realize that you are having to do it less and less.  And you'll know you're going to make it. 

 

:grouphug:

 

this.

 

dh was trying to counsel the daughter of a very good friend, with whom he grew up.  she divorced- then wanted to remarry her ex.  one thing he kept asking her over and over and over - do you trust him?  no, but I love him. :svengo:  he was unable to get through to her, the guy wasn't trustworthy. at. all. and she needed to walk away. she did remarry him - and sadly divorced him again in less than a year and it was much harder than the first time.

 

if you can't trust him (and you can't) - let that be your guide.  if he isn't trust worthy - NOTHING he says or does can be trusted no matter how you may feel.  let your head rule right now, you need to protect yourself and your children. he does NOT have your (or your children's) interests at heart - only you can do that.

and - his saying "you should have an affair (don't), and divorce would be better for you" is a man who has no respect for you, even as the mother of his children. it does sound like a man who is trying to assuage his own guilt and that he *knows* he's being a disgusting pig.

you deserve better than him.

[zoobie]

YOU are not sabotaging anything. YOU should not feel guilty for anything. You shouldn't have to dig for financial records. They're YOUR finances too.

 

Please find a therapist for yourself as well as an attorney. He fell asleep during marriage counseling? No words.

 

I'm so sorry. Just keep swimming, mama. You can do this. :grouphug:

[Miss Mousie]

Oh Dear Sister,

 

I am so sorry for your pain and for this situation. I am so sorry to hear your husband has been unfaithful to you in the past. No, it is not okay for him to have a discreet girlfriend. No, you do not need him if he is going to abuse you this way. This is mental and emotional abuse. You are worthy of so much more! You deserve to be loved and cherished and an equal partner in a committed relationship. Please go forward with your meeting with the lawyer. Do you have a friend or family member who can go with you to be a help in hearing what the lawyer has to say? And as a previous poster suggested, please make an appointment with a doctor for a complete checkup and testing for sexually transmitted diseases. I am praying for strength and wisdom for you during this difficult time.

 

Everything said above is good and true, except the bolded.  You can take a friend TO the appointment, but he or she cannot be part of the meeting itself.  Doing so would waive attorney-client privilege and give your husband access to everything said or written in that meeting. 

 

[Anne in CA]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but it sounds like he is seeing someone and does intend to divorce. He has seen a lawyer who told him it looks bad that he is the only one committing adultery. He has seen a lawyer who is helping him hide financial information. That is why you need a really great lawyer, because you need someone who will MAKE him give over the documents he is hiding. A weak lawyer will say there is very little they can do, a good lawyer will make him give you the documents and know how to demonstrate his dishonesty to the judge. If the lawyer you are consulting does not tell you they are going to get the missing financial documents, RUN. 

 

You ARE worth a husband who wants to be with you. You are worth a good settlement. You and your children deserve to live a good life without poverty, or despair. You cannot win him back by letting him have all the money and joint custody of your kids. He has lost respect for you, and men cannot love someone they do not respect. At this point standing up for yourself is your only home. Your self esteem MATTERS, not just to you but to your kids. They deserve a mom who deserves a good life. 

[Garga]

His phone did not die. Even if it did, he could use someone else's. Everyone has a phone in their pocket.

 

He did not work overtime. He swung by to tell the girlfriend what was going on. I know this because he wants you to have an affair, too. He doesn't see affairs as a bad thing. He sees them as liberating and exciting and he wants you to have one, too, because they're just so much fun. Also, if you do, it will weaken your case in the courts.

 

He blew off watching the littles. Document this. Right from the get-go he's failing his kids.

 

He told you he doesn't know what he wants, yet he's hidden the financial records. He's sure enough that he wants a divorce and he's sure enough that he doesn't want you to have a chance at a fair trial, because he's already hiding documents from you.

 

He fell asleep during counseling because he was completely, totally shutting down when it came to working on the marriage. He has checked out a long time ago.

 

Oh, this is so sad. So sad. It's like the others said, he is not your friend anymore. He probably hasn't been for a long time. It's time to let this man go. It will break your heart, it will, but you will get through it and on the other side you'll see that it's for the best. You are being treated very, very poorly and it's hard to see it clearly when you're so close to the situation.

[Scarlett]

His phone did not die. Even if it did, he could use someone else's. Everyone has a phone in their pocket.

 

He did not work overtime. He swung by to tell the girlfriend what was going on. I know this because he wants you to have an affair, too. He doesn't see affairs as a bad thing. He sees them as liberating and exciting and he wants you to have one, too, because they're just so much fun. Also, if you do, it will weaken your case in the courts.

 

He blew off watching the littles. Document this. Right from the get-go he's failing his kids.

 

He told you he doesn't know what he wants, yet he's hidden the financial records. He's sure enough that he wants a divorce and he's sure enough that he doesn't want you to have a chance at a fair trial, because he's already hiding documents from you.

 

He fell asleep during counseling because he was completely, totally shutting down when it came to working on the marriage. He has checked out a long time ago.

 

Oh, this is so sad. So sad. It's like the others said, he is not your friend anymore. He probably hasn't been for a long time. It's time to let this man go. It will break your heart, it will, but you will get through it and on the other side you'll see that it's for the best. You are being treated very, very poorly and it's hard to see it clearly when you're so close to the situation.

This is all very true. Please listen.

[Arcadia]

He can easily re-route his pay into another bank account that is not joint. If he is paid every two weeks, that would leave you and your kids without cash fast.

 

Buy necessities like groceries, gas cards and get some cash before he siphon off whatever cash is in your joint accounts. Overpay your utilities bills so that there is an excess to tide over future months.

 

ETA:

He might want to block access to all cash flow so that you have no ready cash to lawyer up. People don't think rationally so you have to protect yourself and your kids.

:grouphug:

[KungFuPanda]

Make sure you know your state's specific laws. I have friends who divorced in MD. The surprising thing was that they had to live apart for a year before they could even file. Financially, that's tough.

[swellmomma]

Your husband is having an affair, the fact he told you to go have one raises huge red flags.  Get std testing done asap.  Get to that lawyer, it is just a consult, it may not be the lawyer you choose but it will help you calm yourself and learn what to do next.  He is already hiding assets because he has been planning this.  Given that he is having an affair, I doubt he will push for the kids.  He wants out to be with the other woman.  Do not let your fears about sharing custody slow you down now.  I was terrified of that when I left my husband.  In the end he didn't even bother to see them for 10 years.  Now he only sees them 3-4 times a year.  OUr custody (which he signed onto years before our divorce finalized) is I have full physical and legal custody.  His visitation is set to open and generous based on mutual agreement.  WHich essentially means he contacts me when he wants to see them and asks my permission.  99% of the time I say yes.  He rarely contacts them in between visits, his wife talks to them more than he does.Especially not that they are adopting new kids.  

ANyway, I am not saying your situation is the same as mine, just saying it is a common fear but you never know what the future will bring and how custody will be worked out so do not let your fear of that slow down your progress. Most important word you will ever learn in this situation is document.  document EVERYTHING, no emotion in it.  THings like July 6th scheduled to watch younger children while oldest goes to x appt.  Did not show up, did not phone.  July 7th told me I should have an affair.  Bank statements of last 3 years no longer where they have previously been stored.  July 8th met with lawyer named blah blah for consult.  TOld to do xyz. Do NOT make it July 6th selfish sob failed his kids and screwed me over. that will not be useful, but unemotional documentation will be used to show patterns of behaviour etc.

From this point on you have to think of yourself and your kids in an "us vs him" sort of way.  Circle the wagons and protect your family, and do what you need to do.  He has chosen to not be part of that family unit anymore, he has become the enemy. ANd that does not mean you need to act like a b*tch to him in the house, but he is no longer your partner, that ended when he made his announcement, and solidified it with his comments last night.  It's time to rise up and be momma bear for your kids and protect their stability, and nail his balls to the wall in court.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have been thinking of you and praying for you constantly. Thank you for coming back to update and check in. We will be here every day, lots of us, anytime you need to talk.

 

Please listen to Garga, especially, and the others. His words and actions are screaming out about who he is, what he's doing, and the reality of your immediate future. You must get there first. Beat him to the punch. Get the lawyer, stake your claim, protect your kids and their interests, FAST, while he's still hemming and hawing and trying to influence you to do things his way.

 

That calm before the storm, when he makes you feel guilty and confuses you and manipulates you (while he's still somewhat there physically) -- that time can be as short as a week. Or days. And he's working behind the scenes already.

 

This is war. There might be peace later. There might be genuine friendship or even trust, someday, but all of that is on the other side of the battle that you must win. He is not your friend. He is not safe. You cannot trust him in this moment so you have no time to consider him. You must protect yourself and your children. You are strong and able -- you'll see.

[Scarlett]

He can easily re-route his pay into another bank account that is not joint. If he is paid every two weeks, that would leave you and your kids without cash fast.

 

Buy necessities like groceries, gas cards and get some cash before he siphon off whatever cash is in your joint accounts. Overpay your utilities bills so that there is an excess to tide over future months.

While it is true he could do any number of things like the above, a judge will smack him so hard he won't know what hit him. Judges do not take kindly to men sabotaging the welfare of children. Utilities are not to be shut off, money to run the household and feed the children is not to be diverted.

 

Still best to file and get immediate legal protection.

[lauraw4321]

I know you feel like it would be better to keep your marriage. It would not. You deserve so much better. Your children deserve so much better. You can do this. You will not lose your children. Play whatever mental game you have to to protect yourself. Tell yourself your real husband has been abducted by aliens and you have to defeat this imposter. You are a mama bear protecting your kids. You have the strength.

[KungFuPanda]

 

This is war. There might be peace later. There might be genuine friendship or even trust, someday, but all of that is on the other side of the battle that you must win. He is not your friend. He is not safe. You cannot trust him in this moment so you have no time to consider him. You must protect yourself and your children. You are strong and able -- you'll see.

THIS! You have to trudge through the fog and act now. There is no waiting for your head to clear or until you feel like getting dressed. See if you can find those documents in a box he thinks you'll never explore. See if you can get copies from their source. He's taking action while you are off-balance. Your future may depend upon you acting aggressively while making him believe you are an ineffective puddle all day. No woman has EVER wished she got less out of her divorce settlement. PLENTY regret not finding the strength to act much sooner.

[Jenrae]

Excellent advise given up thread.

 

Protect yourself by preparing as advised.

 

If you want marriage counseling to try and save this marriage, call the local churches. Many of them offer counseling services, sometimes with lay people that have been trained or they will often cover the cost off therapy with a professional counselor.

 

You can arrange for this and THEN ask your husband if he is interested in trying to see if the marriage can be saved. IF he is willing to go to counseling and put the effort into communicating, MAYBE the marriage can be saved, but he has to want it.

 

(Hopefully you have a friend that could call around and find counseling services, so you have less on your plate. If not, I would be happy to do this for you, just contact me.)

 

Yes, marriages can be salvaged after an affair, but it takes repentence on the part of the guilty party and time and healing for the victim. This can ONLY happen if HE wants to fix the marriage.

 

Hugs to you!!

[Faithful_Steward]

Thanks for all the support and advice. I'm reading even though I haven't responded. I still feel awful, but just having you all give me a starting place has helped me get out of bed. 

 

My husband missed watching the littles the other day and came home late saying his phone died and he had to work overtime. We talked last night: I asked him if he was serious about the divorce, and he started with telling me that he wasn't sure what he wanted to do [Translation: He hasn't yet decided which strategy will be most advantageous for HIM] , but then started talking about how much better he thought things would be for me if we divorced, especially divorcing sooner than later, and then how he thought I should have an affair [Translation: He is having an affair and thinks he will look better in the divorce if you are also cheating] (?!). He's still sleeping here. He hasn't moved any of his stuff. I have no idea what to make of any of this. I don't know if he's seeing someone else. It wouldn't be the first time he was unfaithful. Maybe this sounds pathetic, but getting divorced sounds worse than him discreetly having a girlfriend. ["Discreet" girlfriends can lead to sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, and child support payments. Just imagine taking a few hundred dollars from your family budget and handing it over to another woman and her child every month for the next twenty years.] I just want him to stay. We need him. [Financially? Because he sure doesn't sound like an emotionally supportive husband/father. Look, either way he is going to be supporting you and your children financially. You don't have to accept his behavior because you are afraid.] I don't understand why he'd do this to our kids. [He cares about himself more than your kids. :( ]Nothing makes sense anymore.(hugs)

 

This I know for sure: all the financial records from the last three years (basically once we bought the house) have been moved, and I can't find it. I still have access to things like the online banking and credit card accounts that I knew about. There is a Target card and one other card that I didn't know about, but no large payments have been made on them, so I'm not sure why he didn't tell me or if it means anything that he didn't.

 

I have a consult with a lawyer. The idea of trying to pick a lawyer overwhelmed me, so I eventually picked a family law firm near somewhere I'll be dropping off two of my kids tomorrow based solely on proximity and trying to keep some sort of forward motion going on this. This was probably a mistake, but the more I try to read divorce laws and different types of divorces, the more confused and overwhelmed I feel. Plus the information I'm reading about lawyer fees is freaking me out even more. Other than trying to gather up financial information, I haven't done anything else with money and am hoping the consult might clarify this tomorrow. Well, my baby's dental office called about an outstanding bill I paid. [You're doing fine. This is a good step.]

 

Talking to a lawyer makes me feel awful, like nauseous, the whole time, with guilt, with feeling like choosing to do this is sabotaging reconciliation. It's like all my anxiety has been funneled into freaking out about this appointment. [This isn't your fault. This wasn't your idea. ]  

 

My husband's computer is a chromebook: I don't think it has a hard drive to copy or a way to copy it...why do I want to copy this? Is there something I should do to keep him from copying mine? 

 

If you do very little school in the summer (and don't count those days towards your legal minimum), does it help or hurt to have a bunch of summer days with very scanty schoolwork? I live in a state that has almost no oversight. I keep a binder of the kids' work that I then cull at the end of the year to just a few things for posterity, but that's it. Not sure how much more thorough I should be, especially since I can't imagine being able to homeschool after a divorce. [Don't worry about it right now.]

 

We have not announced anything to the kids. Should I put the kids in counseling before we announce? 

 

I've never left the baby even overnight. I can't imagine having him, or really any of the kids, only half of the time, especially since I'll probably have to work during some of my time with me. It just sounds awful. I'm just trying not to think about it. [This is why you need a good lawyer. Don't just resign yourself to 50/50 custody, especially with }a man who shows so little regard for his children. Fight for what is best for your children. ]

 

A few of you talked about separating and then reconciling: for those of you who managed to salvage your relationship, how did you win your partner back? I've been reading some of the marriage builders site, but I'm having a hard time seeing us in how the author talks about relationships. The last time we tried marriage counseling, he would fail to show up, fall asleep during it, and complain about the cost, so I worry if I mention counseling it will push him further away. [in every way that matters, he's already gone.]

 

Thanks again.

 

I agree with the previous posters who suggested putting some money aside. Fill up your car with gas, buy diapers, and get groceries. I would insist he leave the house, but that's just me. It might be good for him to experience a little discomfort. At the very least it will probably flush out the girlfriend.

 

Start looking into the local public school's enrollment policies. A divorce does NOT mean you can no longer HS, but knowledge is better than worrying about the unknown.

 

Jobs to consider with no employment history and a HS education:

Bank Teller

Waitress

Substitute Teacher (some districts require a 2 yr degree, but many don't)

Teacher's aide (same as above)

Office work in doctor/dentist office

 

If you do separate, you may be able to go back to school for free or close to it. You will likely qualify for the Pell Grant, which can be enough to cover tuition and books at a state college. Between child support, alimony, and financial aid, you may be able to go to school while staying at home with your little ones. If you pick a mom-friendly career field, you could be in a very good place in a few short years. Don't fear the future. Get a good lawyer and fight for your family.

[FloridaLisa]

Talking to a lawyer makes me feel awful, like nauseous, the whole time, with guilt, with feeling like choosing to do this is sabotaging reconciliation. It's like all my anxiety has been funneled into freaking out about this appointment. 

 

 

It's fine to pray for reconciliation but that is for all intents and purposes out of your control. So pray for that but also, based on the truth of the situation, you need to take steps to care for you and your children.  Your dh may make you feel guilty and you may easily succumb because you are the type to be faithful. BUT, the covenant of trust has been broken. You should stay loyal to a husband with whom you've made a covenant but when he has broken that covenant (in many ways) then you need to protect you and your children. 

 

 Maybe this sounds pathetic, but getting divorced sounds worse than him discreetly having a girlfriend. I just want him to stay. We need him. I don't understand why he'd do this to our kids. Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

 

That doesn't sound pathetic. It sounds like a broken heart and a girl who has loved life as she now knows it. The unknown is always scary but it is not WORSE. Do not look way down the road. Look at this week. I pray that your husband realizes the ding-dong he's being and all that he's giving up. But if he doesn't, you are strong enough to take one step at a time. God has not got you this far to drop you now. 

 

 

If you do very little school in the summer (and don't count those days towards your legal minimum), does it help or hurt to have a bunch of summer days with very scanty schoolwork? I live in a state that has almost no oversight. I keep a binder of the kids' work that I then cull at the end of the year to just a few things for posterity, but that's it. Not sure how much more thorough I should be, especially since I can't imagine being able to homeschool after a divorce.

 

 

 

 

Do not worry about school. Do not. If you want to have a day of reading or masterly activity or some good tv time because you're a mess and can barely get cereal on the table, that's OKAY. You won't feel like this forever. But right now, life as you know it has been hit by a mack truck and taking care of you and your family and processing your emotions is at the top of the list. 

 

Big hugs to you. 

[Junie]

OP, More hugs for you and your dc.  Just because.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

[Okra]

Hugs.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  BUT, please listen to the ladies on this board.  It is not better for him to quietly have an affair while being married to you.  He is most likely having an affair right now.  It is so hard, but please make certain that you have cash, a lawyer, and financial records.   

 

You might not feel strong right now, but you will find your strength through this.  Even though it feels that life is terrible right now, eventually, everything really will be better, and you will be okay.

[J-rap]

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.  I wrote something here a couple days ago but when I hit "post," a system problem came up and it was lost.

I just want to say that my prayers are with you, and you can do this. You can do whatever you need to do to move beyond this terrible situation and live a good life with your children.  You may not feel strong, but you will learn to be strong, and you'll meet some fabulous people along the way.  It's going to be okay.