Is it possible to have an amicable divorce?

[Home'scool]

If both parties realize that they have grown into different people. No one cheated, no substance abuse involved. Kids are over 18. 

 

I would really love to hear some divorce stories right now where people didn't end up hating each other, managed to be civil, the assets got split evenly, and no one ended up bankrupt or in a slum only able to afford to eat cat food.

[MiMi 4under3]

Yes!

 

I know a couple who divorced very peacefully in one sitting with the same lawyer.

 

They grew out of romantic love, but still love each other as good friends. They still sometimes go out to dinner or a party together, and are very kind and loving towards one another. The mom will sometimes stay over the dad's house when he's with the kids in order to have extra "family" time, even though both of them have new partners.

 

Unless you were told, you'd never know they were divorced!

[zoobie]

My kids have friends whose parents divorced, and they are friendly. They seem amicable at family events. DH went to a concert with them and our older kids, and he had no idea they were divorced until partway through. Both live in the area. Dad kept the family house, and mom bought one with her new partner in the same area. Mom and dad both had professional careers pre-divorce, and they split kid/household responsibilities fairly evenly before the divorce. They share 50/50 custody.

[ktgrok]

My divorce was amicable. I mean, sure there were some tears in the beginning, as it was hard to admit divorce was the best option. But we have never fought, or been mean or spiteful to each other. We sold the house, paid off our debts, then split the rest down the middle. We have a teenager together (he was 6 at the time) and we have never argued over custody, or anything like that. We always do what is best for our son, and wish each other well. Honestly, I don't get drama filled divorce. If you wanted drama, stay married. The whole point of being divorced is you don't have to get all wrapped up in what each other does anymore. My ex makes decisions I disagree with all the time, but it's not my problem anymore. So no drama. 

 

Edited to add: I wouldn't say we are good friends or anything. I mean, we don't hang out together, etc. But we are fine together. He stops in on the holidays to pick up our son and my family says hi, gives him a hug, whatever. His parents love seeing my children (the ones not related to them by blood) and are perfectly nice. It's like seeing an aquaitance, not a good friend, but we do care about each other, because we are parents together. 

 

 

[Matryoshka]

Yes.  My parents had friends growing up that had a very amicable divorce.  The husband later ended up remarrying the wife's good friend (with her blessing).  She remarried too.  Both families all got together for every holiday.

 

A friend of mine and her dh are divorcing, and from what I can tell it's going to be amicable.  She's building a new house for herself in the back acreage, so they'll still be living next door to each other...

[Julie Smith]

I know a couple, no kids. We meet them at a board game event and they invited us to his house. He hosts a weekly open house board game event.

 

I assumed they were married since they were always together. I once said something that let them know I assumed they were married and she was surprised that I said such a thing.

 

Turns out they were married and are now divorced. No idea why they divorced since they are always together hanging out.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I suspect it is somewhat easier when there aren't custody issues involved.  There is only one couple in my family who divorced.  There were a lot of hard feelings in the beginning, but over time they became civil towards each other. 

[Julie Smith]

I know a couple, no kids. We meet them at a board game event and they invited us to his house. He hosts a weekly open house board game event.

 

I assumed they were married since they were always together. I once said something that let them know I assumed they were married and she was surprised that I said such a thing.

 

Turns out they were married and are now divorced. No idea why they divorced since they are always together hanging out.

[Minerva]

Yes!

 

My ex-husband and I are very good friends. When we first divorced we worked really hard at being extra nice to each other (hold your tongue!). I think we both went the extra mile to be generous with money and stuff (we didn't have much so that part was easy). We never had kids together which also simplified things greatly. Both of us had parents who divorced when we were kids and did an ugly job of it. We were determined not to make the same mistakes.

 

At first it wasn't easy, we were merely amicable, but after time our rancor subsided and we were able to remember what we liked about each other. We are both remarried now and like each other's spouses and recognize how dysfunctional our own union was.  There are times when I marvel that I was ever married to him (think Peter Pan), but even though he was a lousy husband he is a great friend. 

 

My own parents, recognizing how well we divorced have become friends again (after decades of hating each other). It's the darnedest thing. 

[OneStepAtATime]

If both parties are respectful, there are no piles of underlying resentment/anger/bitterness, and no one has mental health problems, such as narcissism, etc. and there are no issues with custody/extreme child rearing differences when kids are involved well, yes, absolutely it is possible as others have mentioned.  

[Home'scool]

I am now breathing easier .....

 

I don't know if this is what life holds for me, but if it does I would like it to be as peaceful as possible. Right now counseling is there to help us see our way through this to whatever end makes sense. When we are home together there is no real tension or animosity. We still go out to eat or spend the day visiting my oldest who live 2 hours away. No arguing or bickering.

 

We have been married 26 years. I have been a stay at home mom for most of those. My husband makes decent money. At 3:00 a.m. I picture myself living in a cardboard box trying to make ends meet, but I am hoping the reality is if we do split we can come to a financial settlement that will allow us both the live comfortably without worrying about keeping the lights on. I am willing to work, it is just at this point I make small change compared to him and do not really see my ability to make lots more due to the years I was out of the workforce and my age (50).

 

This may all be for nothing. I want to grow old together - he is the one with doubts. I have come to realize, though, that I cannot be the one making all the changes in order to try to make him happy. We will only be happy growing old together if he can accept what I want from life too.

 

Keep the positive stories coming though!!

 

 

[Tanaqui]

Sure, I know people who have done it. (One of them eventually remarried after the kid was grown up, which was... admittedly a little odd, though not at all surprising to anybody.)

[Farrar]

My parents' divorce was mostly amicable. They were both angry at each other for various things for some time. They didn't walk away feeling all happy at first. Certainly, they both did things wrong that led to the divorce in the first place. But they split the assets without any major fighting. Even when some things happened with assets that were very unfair, they both moved past it and aren't holding grudges or anything. They kept their communication mostly pretty good all things considered. Didn't talk nasty about the other to us or try to use us as pawns. They didn't play games or hold bitterness. They're friendly now, many years later. Both my dad and and wife are friends with their former spouses. He and his wife have several times done trips with her ex-husband and his current wife (and their daughter's family). My mom (and formerly her husband before he passed away) have been to his house, have hung out with him and his wife. They had a good time all together at my brother's wedding.

 

Basically, yes, it may not be a smooth path, but I've seen many divorces that aren't bitter and angry, where people move on and become friends.

 

Hugs to you. I hope that however it works out, that you're happy.

 

 

[Tsuga]

Under the circumstances you laid out, I think so but only if they are both being honest with themselves and each other.

[Lawyer&Mom]

My dad and step-mom got married in her ex-husband's backyard. It's been decades since their divorce and they remain close friends. So yes, it can be done. On the other hand, my mom and dad are amicable, and friendly, but not really friends. And that's okay too.

[Sarah CB]

My parents did.  They divorced almost 30 years ago.  Dad was generous with child support and alimony so mom went back to school and became an RN.  For the last 8 or so years we have had two family vacations together each year.  Every summer, everyone - mom, dad, my sister and her family, dh's family, etc. would come to our house and stay for a week - same with Christmas.  Things have changed somewhat with our move across Canada, but we're hoping to play some family destination vacations soon.  Mom and Dad get along really well.  They're friends on FB and they play Friends with Words together.  It's been really nice for my kids to have time with them together and we have some lovely family photos.  

[Home'scool]

I guess maybe "friends" is not really the right word. If we do need to get divorced I would like it to go smoothly and with mature regard for what we had.

 

I have spoken with a few girlfriends and their divorces were horror stories. They had to get financial info behind the husbands back, the husband tried to hide money, etc. In one case the father and his only son no longer speak. Both situations had the husband having affairs so I guess that can color things.

 

A woman I work with keeps telling me I will get NO alimony and to be prepared to get nothing and have to work for the rest of my life, etc., but I have to also remember her situation was different too. They were married for less than 20 years. She made close to the same amount he made. He is kind of a dead-beat dad.

 

 

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My parents had a very amicable divorce. Too amicable. They stayed best friends the whole time they were divorced. A couple of years later they got remarried. Yes, back to each other. Crazy kids.

[OneStepAtATime]

I am now breathing easier .....

 

I don't know if this is what life holds for me, but if it does I would like it to be as peaceful as possible. Right now counseling is there to help us see our way through this to whatever end makes sense. When we are home together there is no real tension or animosity. We still go out to eat or spend the day visiting my oldest who live 2 hours away. No arguing or bickering.

 

We have been married 26 years. I have been a stay at home mom for most of those. My husband makes decent money. At 3:00 a.m. I picture myself living in a cardboard box trying to make ends meet, but I am hoping the reality is if we do split we can come to a financial settlement that will allow us both the live comfortably without worrying about keeping the lights on. I am willing to work, it is just at this point I make small change compared to him and do not really see my ability to make lots more due to the years I was out of the workforce and my age (50).

 

This may all be for nothing. I want to grow old together - he is the one with doubts. I have come to realize, though, that I cannot be the one making all the changes in order to try to make him happy. We will only be happy growing old together if he can accept what I want from life too.

 

Keep the positive stories coming though!!

I am glad you are in counseling. Hopefully, whatever happens, that will help you both get through this with mutual respect.

 

I would encourage you, given the scenario you described, to maybe look into some online or lical courses to get you up to speed on skills that might be very marketable in today's day and age. Just because you are 50 doesn't mean there isn't something out there that you might actually really enjoy doing that you can also make a decent living at. I would think it a better scenario to work on getting marketable skills right now, before a possible divorce becomes a reality. Also, it might honestly revive your marriage.

 

Best wishes.

[Home'scool]

I would encourage you, given the scenario you described, to maybe look into some online or lical courses to get you up to speed on skills that might be very marketable in today's day and age. Just because you are 50 doesn't mean there isn't something out there that you might actually really enjoy doing that you can also make a decent living at. I would think it a better scenario to work on getting marketable skills right now, before a possible divorce becomes a reality. Also, it might honestly revive your marriage.

 

 

I am working right now and have been for about 4 years. I work at a local law firm as a secretary. I feel better knowing I have a foot back into the workforce and do have current skills that are marketable and references if needed. It is just the reality that I make about 20K per year and my husband makes about 200K.

[shawthorne44]

A friend of mine, a lawyer, represented his wife when they divorced.  They had no kids and no stuff, so that helped.  The judge was confused because the paperwork looks very different when someone has a lawyer and when they don't.  her paperwork was for with lawyer, his was for without lawyer.   So the judge expected 3 people minimum.  Judge asked her if she really thought thought her future ex-husband could represent her interests.  She said Yes.  So they proceeded and were done, and then they celebrated their divorce by having lunch.  

[Anne in CA]

I can think of two couples who had such an easy divorce process that they were able to live together peacefully in their homes after their divorce until the homes sold.In both cases they did not have much to split up and they had grown apart. One couple had three children with only a 15yo left at home and the other had no children, only pets.

 

IME the couples who have nasty divorces even though they did not seem to hate each other and there was not adultery/ abuse involved had trouble when the man got competitive during the divorce. At first the women gave in over things and was nice trying to keep open the possibility of reconciliation and to keep things easy for the kids. But instead of being grateful the men involved, to a one, got meaner and meaner and  determined to leave the woman with NOTHING they didn't have to. I have worked with countless women over the years who work in an office M-F and then wait tables on the weekends because they tried to be nice during their divorce. Most of those women have ex husbands who are very, very well off, but they screwed them in the divorce and then won't help them at all. You can be nice AFTER you get what you need for the rest of your life. 

 

So, IME, I beg any woman considering divorce to figure out what is really fair and go for it, rather than try to be "nice", because there is something in many men where they may not be jerks the rest of the time, but they do not want to share their retirement or financial security with the woman who gave birth to their children and raised them. They alienate their children and families and they simply do not care.

[umsami]

I can think of two couples who had such an easy divorce process that they were able to live together peacefully in their homes after their divorce until the homes sold.In both cases they did not have much to split up and they had grown apart. One couple had three children with only a 15yo left at home and the other had no children, only pets.

 

IME the couples who have nasty divorces even though they did not seem to hate each other and there was not adultery/ abuse involved had trouble when the man got competitive during the divorce. At first the women gave in over things and was nice trying to keep open the possibility of reconciliation and to keep things easy for the kids. But instead of being grateful the men involved, to a one, got meaner and meaner and  determined to leave the woman with NOTHING they didn't have to. I have worked with countless women over the years who work in an office M-F and then wait tables on the weekends because they tried to be nice during their divorce. Most of those women have ex husbands who are very, very well off, but they screwed them in the divorce and then won't help them at all. You can be nice AFTER you get what you need for the rest of your life. 

 

So, IME, I beg any woman considering divorce to figure out what is really fair and go for it, rather than try to be "nice", because there is something in many men where they may not be jerks the rest of the time, but they do not want to share their retirement or financial security with the woman who gave birth to their children and raised them. They alienate their children and families and they simply do not care.

 

Yes to this.

 

I know two women who were "nice" during divorce, and walked away with basically nothing.  One woman had been married 30 years, and left with no interest in the house, and $30k.  She had been a SAHM too, and now basically rents a room in somebody's home and works as a maid, while her husband lives it up in their house.  

[Home'scool]

I know two women who were "nice" during divorce, and walked away with basically nothing.  One woman had been married 30 years, and left with no interest in the house, and $30k.  She had been a SAHM too, and now basically rents a room in somebody's home and works as a maid, while her husband lives it up in their house.

 

 

This. This keeps me up at night

[OneStepAtATime]

I am working right now and have been for about 4 years. I work at a local law firm as a secretary. I feel better knowing I have a foot back into the workforce and do have current skills that are marketable and references if needed. It is just the reality that I make about 20K per year and my husband makes about 200K.

That does put you in a better position than many.  I just meant that if you were also working on additional skill sets there might be something out there that you would really feel passionate about that makes good money.  

 

I do understand about the disparity in earnings, though.  DH and I started out in the same field and even though he was younger he still was making more money than I was.  Now, the gap is enormous.  I will never catch up and would never have been able to catch up, even if I had not stepped away from my career to raise kids and run the family business with my mother.  If we were ever to divorce, I would be in a similar scenario.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes to this.

 

I know two women who were "nice" during divorce, and walked away with basically nothing.  One woman had been married 30 years, and left with no interest in the house, and $30k.  She had been a SAHM too, and now basically rents a room in somebody's home and works as a maid, while her husband lives it up in their house.  

My best friend's parents divorced and even though her mom had still been working off and on, he walked away with nearly everything.  She was working 3 jobs to keep a house and raise three kids.  It nearly killed her physically and emotionally.  He was taking long trips out of town, bought a mansion, etc.  She couldn't even afford shoes for the kids that first fall after the divorce.  He had put everything in his name long before they ever even talked about divorce.

 

OP, are there any assets in your name?  Have you looked at the laws regarding divorce where you live?

[myfunnybunch]

If both parties realize that they have grown into different people. No one cheated, no substance abuse involved. Kids are over 18.

 

I would really love to hear some divorce stories right now where people didn't end up hating each other, managed to be civil, the assets got split evenly, and no one ended up bankrupt or in a slum only able to afford to eat cat food.

Yes. My ex and I navigated our divorce peacefully, sharing a mediating attorney to draw up custody and financial agreements. We'd mostly decided everything fairly ahead of time, and just needed someone to draw up and file the necessary legal paperwork. We still manage to peacefully co-parent our now-adult daughter with mild-moderate developmental disabilities.

[PeachyDoodle]

My inlaws did.

 

DH was in college and his older brother was already graduated and living on his own. MIL had what I can only describe as a mid-life crisis. There were even some suggestions of infidelity (after they had separated, but before they were divorced, so not sure that's really infidelity or not? FIL was still trying to reconcile but MIL was clearly not interested). Even then they were able to split everything up with very little disagreement (at least that we ever knew about). For the first few years, we still did holidays and such together.

 

We had lunch with them two weeks ago, along with MIL's mother and FIL's new wife, at FIL and new wife's new home. Totally amicable and a nice time.

[elegantlion]

We pretty much did even though ex had some circumstances that made it harder for him to be a bu**head. My motto has been that he is the father of my child and he's a decent dad and ds will need a good relationship with his father. I could never live with him again, but I don't hate him. 

[AnnE-girl]

It's possible to be amicable, but given your situation, I'd be very hesitant to try to do it without a lawyer of your own. I've heard enough horror stories about people who try to things on their own, and then end up finally getting a lawyer for post-judgment issues because they didn't have an advocate who knew the law.

[Minerva]

((Hugs)) I would be working towards an amicable separation at the same time you are learning your state laws and finding an advocate. The disparity in your bank accounts and your doubts are red flags to me. I sincerely hope you can end this (or even better, fix it) without being too hurtful to each other, but it's important to protect yourself. 

[Farrar]

Yes to this.

 

I know two women who were "nice" during divorce, and walked away with basically nothing.  One woman had been married 30 years, and left with no interest in the house, and $30k.  She had been a SAHM too, and now basically rents a room in somebody's home and works as a maid, while her husband lives it up in their house.  

 

I agree that you should not be "nice" when it comes to assets and/or child custody issues.

 

When I've seen divorces be really nasty though, most of the time it seems to be 50% substantive issues and 50% bitter, angry attitudes and lack of boundaries. And sometimes it's hard for me to know how much of the angry attitudes feed into the issues and how much they'd be there no matter what. Some people are just angry, angry years later. On the other hand, sil had a somewhat nasty divorce, but even though he really did her wrong (like, in every possible way) she decided to move on, to be civil even when she thinks he's being a terrible dad, and to just do the best she can and not focus on it. And she's happy, remarried, second kid, it's not the consuming fact for her anymore, even though it wasn't "amicable."

[Elvis and Miss Kitty]

My ex and I divorced last year due to cheating on his part (we were married for 25 years). When we divorced, I got a very good lawyer, I also got 1/2 his 401k, a new house in another state, a new car, all the furniture from my old residence, child support as long as my disabled son lives with me, and alimony until I reach full retirement age.

He got to keep the old house (with the big mortgage), and all the bills.  His girlfriend (who was 20 years younger than him) left him when her husband found out they were living together.

All that being said, we are now very good friends.  He stays some nights in a spare room, comes over for dinner and we talk and text regularly.  We get along better now than we have since he left.

[Ripley]

My divorce was amicable. Our kids are out of town, and we've met for dinner every night! People who just meet us are always surprised to learn we're divorced. 

 

I'm pretty sure his family and workplace still think we're married* :lol: He doesn't like the blemish on his social record. I'm nice enough to still show my face at the annual holiday parties to maintain his façade, to send his nieces and nephews gifts, and to make sure the kids call his family on every major holiday.  He's nice enough to have given me full legal and physical custody, and to match my (former) income so I could retire. We each got what mattered most to us, which really is what kept the actual divorce so amicable!

 

The only contention between us was dividing his retirement. I retired in my mid-30s, at his request that I stay home full-time to homeschool. I wanted him to contribute 10% of his monthly income into an IRA for me, the same as goes into his TSP.  He has mandatory retirement at 53ish, and like heck I was going to stay home all these years raising our kids by myself, then have to go work for minimum wage in my 50s/60s until I dropped dead. He countered with an offer of 5% for however long I had a homeschool student. 

 

I told him it was the only hill I was prepared to fight and die on.  He's in the same bracket as your husband, OP, and there is no reason he couldn't and shouldn't help me retire - especially since he'll be a double dipper AND the preference for me to stay home and homeschool is HIS. I let him sleep on it for a few weeks, and he came around. Most of it was him not wanting the cost of going from pro-se to represented, and the hassle of going from uncontested to contested - but ego aside, whatever; he's funding my retirement. We ended up with me getting 50% of his retirement on the day he retires (not just 50% for the years of our marriage).  If he ever re-marries, she's gonna be pissed; as his retirement draws nearer, so will he. But for now we're amicable! OP, like you, this literally kept me up at night.  It's a valid concern!

 

 

 

* plausible because we haven't lived together in years

[Rosie_0801]

Amicable becomes less likely when they remarry.

 

You have to plan for batshit crazy even if you don't want to be doing batshit crazy, until your youngest is 18.

[Pink and Green Mom]

This. This keeps me up at night

 

I am an attorney who knows absolutely nothing about divorce law but please, I beg of you.  If you even think divorce may be in your future please have a consultation with the best divorce lawyer in your town/general area.  The sooner, the better.

 

I know of someone who went through what she thought would be an amicable divorce.  Her husband, unbeknownst to her, had consulted with several of the top divorce attorneys in the area.  None of them could represent her when the time came for her to need a lawyer because of the fact that they had consulted with her husband, and he refused to waive the conflict issue (I heard this second hand but do believe it to be accurate). 

 

Please be sure to protect yourself.  I don't know what kind of firm you work at, but I truly believe divorce calls for a specialized divorce attorney, not a legal generalist.

[ThisIsTheDay]

If your husband will be eligible to collect Social Security benefits, you may be able to collect based on his earnings.

 

http://www.wiserwomen.org/index.php%3Fid%3D219%26page%3DSocial_Security_and_Divorce:_What_You_Need_to_Know

 

Re an amicable divorce.  My parents had one.  They didn't fight while married, never fought when the split up.  They got along pretty well.  If neither was dating, we'd spend holidays together.  There was one weekend when my mom babysat my dad's girlfriend's kid so my dad and his gf could spend the weekend away together.  The little kid's dad -- my dad's gf's ex-husband--came to our house to pick him up.  Another time, my dad and my mom's boyfriend took the day off together to replace our water heater while the rest of us were gone.

 

The only time things were not so good was when one of my dad's girlfriends freaked out about how well everyone got along. They ended up being married for awhile.  She thought my parents should have no contact and no friendship (and no courtesy) toward each other.

 

The friendly relationship between my parents was huge for us kids.  We've had decades of low stress, no drama. Graduations, weddings, babies--my parents made all of that easy, and I appreciate that.

[Cammie]

I am a former divorce attorney.

 

Yes, amicable is possible.  HOWEVER, so is being too "nice" and unwilling to make an issue that you get less than what you are due in the divorce.

 

PLEASE at lease make one appointment with a local divorce attorney to help you understand the law in your state regarding division of assets and support.

 

If you are negotiating for yourself, you NEED to know your rights.  You also need to make sure that you have all the necessary financial information.  Attorneys would perform discovery and get all of that for you.

 

There is being "nice" and there is being "niave."  You can have an attorney, be nice, get what is your due.  Those are not mutually exclusive.

 

 

[Danestress]

If both parties realize that they have grown into different people. No one cheated, no substance abuse involved. Kids are over 18. 

 

I would really love to hear some divorce stories right now where people didn't end up hating each other, managed to be civil, the assets got split evenly, and no one ended up bankrupt or in a slum only able to afford to eat cat food.

 

 

Sure, lots of people divorce amicably, depending on how you define "amicable."  There will almost always be pain, fear, regret, anger, and anxiety.  But many people work out agreements they can live with and refrain from the greed and anger that is so destructive to themselves and their families.

 

In my experience, how amicable a divorce is has little to do with the details.  It's more about personalities.  People with more money that they could ever spend, even after funding all their grandchildren's college degrees and buying awesome vacation homes with cash, will still fight about the money.  People who have nothing but "cups and saucers" will want to pay lawyers to divide the cups.  But other people manage to patch together parenting arrangements and divisions of assets with a good deal of compromise and patience.  

 

My advice is to see an attorney as soon as possible.  You do not have to desire a divorce to see an attorney.  You do not have to be close to moving out to do so.  You don't have to wait for your husband to indicate that you are at 'the end' before you take steps to inform and protect yourself.  A lot of people talk to family and friends and end up with tons of misinformation.   Ask one of the attorneys at your firm whom you really trust to give you a referral.  You don't need to "big gun" divorce attorney.  You need someone who is experienced in family law - an attorney whose practice is mostly in that area. Plan on paying a consultation fee, but go prepared to get your money's worth.  The fact that you walk into an attorney's office is privileged and confidential, as I am sure you know, so for that fee, you can come out with some knowledge that might put your mind at lease, and might help you make good decisions in case your marriage does end, and no one will ever need to know you went.

 

See an attorney who lives in YOUR jurisdiction who knows the law where you live, who can give you advice on what to do now to prepare yourself for the possible worst.  Ask all you questions.  Does it matter whose name the money is in (probably not).  Can you expect alimony?  What is the likely range of time?   What factors would come into play in determining the amount of Alimony?  How can you find out what assets and debt you really have?  How might they be divided?  How can you make sure you will have enough to live on if he tries to cut you off?  

 

If you have access to finances yourself, try to get a picture of what you have.  How is the house titled?  Does it matter? Who is on the mortgage? Did you have a premarital agreement?   What kinds of debt do you have?  Who will be responsible for paying those? If you go in with a lot of information, you can hopefully get a better picture of what might happen.  You might feel reluctant to do so, because it might feel like you are giving up on our marriage, but you can get the knowledge you need, and simultaneously work on your marriage.   

[G5052]

I am an attorney who knows absolutely nothing about divorce law but please, I beg of you.  If you even think divorce may be in your future please have a consultation with the best divorce lawyer in your town/general area.  The sooner, the better.

 

I know of someone who went through what she thought would be an amicable divorce.  Her husband, unbeknownst to her, had consulted with several of the top divorce attorneys in the area.  None of them could represent her when the time came for her to need a lawyer because of the fact that they had consulted with her husband, and he refused to waive the conflict issue (I heard this second hand but do believe it to be accurate). 

 

Please be sure to protect yourself.  I don't know what kind of firm you work at, but I truly believe divorce calls for a specialized divorce attorney, not a legal generalist.

 

Yes, I'm at the age where some of my friends have divorced at 20+ years of marriage.  

 

Last weekend we found out about the divorce of some very good friends at our previous church. There was one child left at home, and she had just finished graduate school after years of not working. It's also in one of the most expensive areas of the country. I may not be using the correct language, but they basically got an agreement such that she gets some alimony while she's seeking employment. That part took months to hammer out because she has to report on an ongoing basis, and it ends as soon as she gets to a certain income level.  

 

Even if it seems like it may go smoothly, you need your own lawyer, and the best you can get.  You need to consult this person very early on too.

 

Years ago friends divorces smoothly with one lawyer.  No kids.  While he was on business, she moved out to a trailer park with their travel trailer and all of her stuff and left a letter with how she wanted things divided.  He was good with that, and there were no fights at all.  That's a very unusual situation though.

[catz]

I have a couple friends that went through mediation instead of court for their divorce and have very amicable divorces.  I also have a couple other friends that practice mediation and advertise their law services that way so they deal in amicable divorces every day.  Needless to say, I think it's very possible.  I think it requires quite a bit of maturity, compromise, and grace on both sides. 

 

ETA - I just wanted to add that there are 2 lawyers involved in these mediation arrangements. 

[ktgrok]

I want to say this, because sometimes it sounds like the choice is get a lawyer or be amicable. That's crazy. If it is going to be amicable, it will still be amicable after you have a good lawyer. 

[Anne in CA]

Absolutely. I believe a good lawyer KEEPS things from getting out of hand.

[Tammyla]

 I do believe it is possible, but firmly believe both parties need a good attorney representing them.  

[Garga]

Yes. I have a friend who's a judge. He estimates he's done a couple thousand divorces. He says that a number of them come in on the day of the divorce cheery and happy and friendly toward each other. They don't hate each other but for whatever reasons don't want to remain married.

[Home'scool]

If it does go that route I do plan on getting a lawyer or a divorce mediator. And I plan on being informed of all that I should be able to get so that I don't end up a bag lady.

 

It is just so hard to think of the family split up, that if it does split I would like to still be able to attend any of my daughter's events (weddings, grandchildren's bday parties etc) with my husband there and not have to make my girls choose between us, etc. And I guess after 26 years married and 31 years together I would still like to be able to talk to him and wish the best for him and not have animosity towards the person I still believe is my soul mate, the person I was supposed to marry, and the father of my children.

 

 

[Wheres Toto]

Amicable becomes less likely when they remarry.

 

You have to plan for batshit crazy even if you don't want to be doing batshit crazy, until your youngest is 18.

 

Yep.  Unfortunately this is very true.  Not that we were totally amicable before, but it really hit the fan when ex got remarried and his new wife decided she didn't feel like paying for college, and that everything had to be "fair" between dd and her kids, despite the extreme differences in parental circumstances and divorce decrees.  It was absurd that we were back in court, with lawyers, more than 10 years after the divorce.  

 

We had equal incomes and joint custody so things weren't that hard to split.  The main problem was ex had a lawyer who lied about all kinds of stuff, didn't do what she was supposed to do, and created issues where there weren't any.  He used to lay all kinds of crap on our daughter, including telling her he thought we'd get back together right up until I was pregnant with her brother.

 

My parents were amicable in all the time in my memory.  My mother would never bad mouth my dad, and I tried to follow the same possible no matter how hard it was at times.  Now that she's an adult, she doesn't need me to say anything, she knows what's going on.

 

I agree with do NOT be nice.  I was too nice out of guilt and things would have probably been better for everyone if it was kept strictly professional (I know, hard when you were married but still).

[Farrar]

Amicable becomes less likely when they remarry.

 

You have to plan for batshit crazy even if you don't want to be doing batshit crazy, until your youngest is 18.

 

Well, I'll disagree. I have several times seen remarriage help a couple be more amicable. It's a few years down the road and they know they're settled - it's easier to move on from "I wasted my time with you" when you know you're with someone new who is really more right for you. Of course, I've seen it the other way too where the new spouse is drama, drama. But I don't think this is inevitable.

[Grantmom]

 

I want to grow old together - he is the one with doubts. 

 

I am only sharing this because you said the above, and if this is not at all relevant to where you are in this process, please completely ignore this post.  But, if you are still in a place where you want to stay married, a great book to read is Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis.  And the bonus in the book is that even if your marriage does not make it, the book has some really helpful steps that can help you feel empowered and like you have your life back.  Just sharing in case it is helpful.  Please ignore if not.

[aggieamy]

My kids have friends whose parents divorced, and they are friendly. They seem amicable at family events. DH went to a concert with them and our older kids, and he had no idea they were divorced until partway through. Both live in the area. Dad kept the family house, and mom bought one with her new partner in the same area. Mom and dad both had professional careers pre-divorce, and they split kid/household responsibilities fairly evenly before the divorce. They share 50/50 custody.

 

Are you talking my family?  :)

 

DH is divorced and we all get along well.  I'm emailing his ex-wife's mother right now a funny story about DD.  It can be done.  I think what makes it easier is that I take care of a lot of the communication between the two families and ex-wife and I get along well.  I kinda think she and DH should have worked on the relationship a bit and they would have still been married but ah well.  This worked out better for me.

 

There is a shared custody situation and everything is drawn out in the court papers to a T and now ten years later none of that is actually happening.  Public schools only?  Nope. Strict division of holidays?  Nope ... we'll bring her over to your mom's after breakfast and then just drop her off sometime Saturday when you're in the area.  You pay for this, I pay for that?  Nope.  

 

I think the best advice I have is to be flexible but go into it knowing that some people get nasty after a divorce.  DH and his ex put a lot of effort into being civil and getting along.  It was tough when I came into the relationship for me because I was a little bit jealous of that and I had to get over that.  If you are talking about splitting now then have him start a retirement fund for you NOW.  Start having him contribute to it substantially.  Beef up your professional skills NOW.  Hopefully it won't matter and you'll be spending Christmas together for another 25+ years.